During this upcoming talk, I will share ways for you to balance both!  Keep your spouse smiling with these quick, easy ways to feel connected and have fun together – without sacrificing your professional life!

Upcoming Event:  The Workaholic’s Way to Keep a Spouse Smiling

Date:  Tuesday, June 19th, 2012

Time:  8:30 – 9:30 a.m.

Location:  Somerset County Business Partnership, 360 Grove Street, Bridgewater, NJ, 08807

To register for this free workshop, call 908-246-3074 / 800-746-1258 or email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Your body needs care. This is a fact that you cannot ignore. People who do not care for their bodies properly often end up with illness, injury, or their body breaking down. We often put the things we “should” do to keep our bodies healthy last on our list of priorities. After all, there are only so many hours in a day and we have many other important things to tend to. But, for the sake of your health AND your relationship, it’s essential that you don’t ignore your body

Getting the exercise you need to stay healthy doesn’t have to feel like blood, sweat and tears. It doesn’t mean you have to lift weights in a sweaty gym or run your heart rate up so high that you feel like your heart is going to burst out of your chest – unless you like that – and there are people who do!

My guess is that all people who exercise long-term do so not just for the health benefits, but also because they enjoy it. That’s the key to making your workout a permanent part of your lifestyle: finding some way to move your body that you enjoy. What would make working out more fun for you? Here are a few ideas:

• Take a class to improve your skills or learn something new.
• Is there a sport you like? Check out your recreation department or YMCA for adult teams/leagues.
• Hire a personal trainer to work out with you both, together. (This can be a great source of shared laughter!)
• Find a way to work out with your spouse. Reminisce about ways you used to exercise together when you first fell in love and find ways to do them again.
• Think back to which healthy activities you loved to do as a kid and incorporate them into your routine.
• If there’s a sport your kids compete in, look for ways you can get more involved.
• Remember that sex is a form of exercise. Are you having the type and frequency of sex you most enjoy or is there a need to communicate with your partner to make it better?

When trying something new or just beginning a workout routine, start small. You want these healthy changes to last, so that they become an enjoyable part of your life, rather than a burden.

Being healthy can have many positive effects on your relationship such as:

• feeling better about being naked together
• being more sexually responsive
• feeling more energetic and adventurous
• spending time together playing, having fun, and talking
• reduced medical expenses which leads to more money for saving and playing.

You’ll improve your health AND your relationship. Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help you discover new ways to get healthy together. We have resources for area fitness centers, physical trainers, nutrition experts, and medical weight loss centers. And, as always, we can help you improve your connection with one another as you incorporate this new activity into your lives.

To learn more about how we can help, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Do those words bring you a feeling of excitement and happy anticipation as thoughts of summer stretch out before you?  Or do they bring you a feeling of dread?

For many of us, knowing that we’ll have to help our young children and teens occupy the long days of summer can be daunting.  It can be a source of worry, stress and tension.  For the next two months, you will be expected to play the role of events coordinator to your children – who seem to feel entitled to fabulous vacations, extravagant daytrips, specialty camps, and movies – all arranged for and paid for by you!  Maybe you have a teen who needs to get a summer job and is dragging his/her feet.  Perhaps you dread the expected and all-too-common refrains of,  “I’m bored.  There’s nothing to do.  I don’t want to go outside.”  Then again, maybe it’s the inevitable bickering between siblings who are together all day that makes you cringe.

In addition to these unpleasant prospects, you’d like it if your children’s brains didn’t turn to mush over the 10 weeks of summer vacation.  How do you get them to read or practice some type of academics?  On top of that, you still have your own responsibilities.  How are you going to get your own work done?!  Is it possible for you to enjoy the summer with the kids home from school?

You CAN enjoy the summer with your kids.  It does take a healthy dose of planning and patience.  Try some of these ideas:

• Invite your kids to try a hobby or sport that you enjoy, like golf or cycling.  Pick something that you can do together.  That way you’ll be having fun alongside your kids.
• Make time for yourself to get things done AND to relax and recharge. Schedule dinner or drinks with friends, or perhaps a weekend away, to ensure you have time for both work and play.
• Structure your days at home with the kids.  Set a routine so that you spend mornings reading together on the couch, make time to go to the pool after lunch every day, or take a regular evening walk after dinner.  The school year/day is highly structured and that works well for kids.  Make sure you implement some structure into your summer too.  That way the kids will know what to expect and will relax into the routine.
• Hire help. Take advantage of neighborhood teens who are looking for extra income and have more time over the summer.  You can hire them at a moderate cost to provide temporary or long term childcare or household help.
• Involve your kids in planning larger trips.  Research vacations, day trips or activities that are within your budget and then have each child choose one or more of their favorites and put it on the calendar.  Knowing that some bigger fun is planned can help kids get through the days at home.
• Check community resources.  Many communities provide fun options that can be entertaining and economical when money is a concern.  Do you have a town pool?  Does the recreation department offer summer camp?  Perhaps your library has free programs for children.  How about the local churches?  You can enrich your child’s religious education by enrolling them in one or more vacation bible schools.
• Swap with other parents. Set up a regular schedule or agreement where each parent takes a turn watching all the kids so the other parent(s) can have time to themselves.  Your kids will have built-in social time with playmates and you’ll have time to focus on your own tasks – or just relax!

To learn more about how to make summer fun for the whole family, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.

Call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

You’d dress up for dates so that you looked and felt sexy and then eagerly anticipate returning home together? And other evenings when you weren’t going anywhere, you’d slip something sexy on to spice things up in the bedroom?  But now you are parents, and things have changed dramatically. Where did the excitement, passion, and anticipation go? How do we, as parents, maintain our sexual selves?

In our culture, good parents are presented as nurturing, self-sacrificing, and asexual. There is a disconnect between being a parent and being a sexual being. Many parents pass down this sense of detachment from their own sexuality in several ways:

• disapproving of a child’s first sexual exploration (masturbation)
• not speaking of sex
• avoiding direct and factual discussions of the body

If you are like many couples, you probably enjoyed being sexual together early in your relationship. You could plan elaborate dates and spend time on foreplay. You took time to relax and explore one another during sex. It was hot. You felt sexy; you needed and wanted sex. Then you became parents and your sex life took a backseat.

It can be all too easy to put sex on the backburner, but in a world full of career, childrearing, running a household, and giving to others, sex can be a respite from the demands of everyday life. Both the mundane and the stress of daily living are transcended during sex play between married partners.  It’s a way to close the door on the world and explore oneself and one’s partner with the only purpose being to experience pleasure and express love.  It is a means for couples to connect in a way that they don’t with anyone else.

Most couples counseling emphasizes talking as the primary way to communicate. While talking is important, our bodies can communicate as much or more than our words. Sexual touch is a powerful communicator. It reminds us that ‘We really are connected. We DO love one another. It is safe to let go in front of my partner. He still desires me. She still gets excited at my touch.’  After an argument or disconnect, sex can feel like hitting the reset button for the marriage.  It lets us know that, ‘We hit a rough patch, but now we’re connected once again.’

How do we bring good sex back into marriage? Finding new ways to think about sex can help.

• Value your partner as a person who is different from you – think of him/her as a mystery to be rediscovered.
• Think of foreplay as beginning hours or days before you plan to be together; flirt, enjoy each other’s company and let the anticipation build.
• Value sex as a way to reconnect after an argument or rupture.
• Remember that as a human, you are a sexual being and this is a gift.
• Remember that having a strong marriage is an essential part of being a good parent;  make sure you focus on your partner too, rather than just your children.
• Talk to your physician about any physical issues that may be interfering with sex.
• Talk to your therapist about any emotions that may be interfering.

To learn more about how to pump up the passion after you’ve had children, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

You’ve tried everything to motivate your kids but nothing seems to work. You’ve asked nicely, you’ve demanded, you’ve threatened and you’ve punished but it’s either the same old battle or you’ve just given up.

The good news here is that things CAN change. Kids can develop new ways of acting. Even habits that have been in place for years can be unlearned and replaced by new habits. Make no mistake, it takes a lot of patience, optimism, and commitment on the part of the parents, but the rewards are well worth it. In my personal experience, introducing something new in my household is initially met with resistance. It can take several weeks, months, or even up to a year before the new habit is in place and it can feel like a long haul until we get there. Often, we feel tired out; tired of working on it and tired of having to find energy and resolve especially when:

• it’s late at night
• we’re stressed about something else
• the family is hungry or irritable
• the adults could do it faster themselves.

We have to call forth strength to continue to help our kids get motivated, but it IS possible.

Positive reward motivates kids very effectively. Think about what motivates adults to go to work: the paycheck, the benefits, or the feelings of importance and contribution to the world. For each of us it’s different.

What would motivate your child to do what you ask? What does your child light up over? What have you seen your child go through substantial effort to get? Here are some possibilities:

• use of electronics: TV, phone, computer, video games, texting
• spending time together: doing the activity WITH YOU
• time with friends
• gifts: money, small trinkets/candy, large items that are earned over time
• recognition and praise: words of acknowledgment, posting the achievement on the fridge or framing it for the living room wall

As your child’s needs and interests change, so will the things that motivate him/her. Keep your eye out for new motivators. Here are two that worked with my kids at different ages.

When my daughter asked for her first phone, it felt way too early for us to get her one. But then it dawned on us that this could be a major motivator. We agreed that if she got certain grades or above, we’d get her a phone. In order for her to keep it, she needed to maintain those grades. It worked: we found ourselves at the phone store two days after the first report card came home. She felt proud of what she had accomplished and we were relieved we no longer had to remind her to do her homework daily. It wasn’t a perfect fix (she still needs gentle reminders from time to time) but the battling has stopped.

My son is younger. We struggled to get him to be responsible with chores like making his bed, brushing his teeth, wiping the sink when he’s done, and scooping the cat litter. When we noticed that he was regularly asking us for cash to buy gum or soda – and he was stoked when we gave him as little as a dollar- we decided to tie the two together. When he did all his chores, he earned $1 that day. Because he was younger and needed a more immediate reward we chose something he got right away rather than something that would take him a few months to earn. At first his tasks weren’t done perfectly: making the bed looked more like pulling the covers up in a haphazard fashion! But we settled for that because we wanted him to get used to the new routine and feel successful. As he got older, we guided him to do a better job. And as he continues to get older, we add new tasks and increase the reward to match.

Another powerful motivator is the idea of doing tasks together. When your kids want your time and attention this works well. Begin by doing a task with them so it’s enjoyable rather than boring. If you want your child to:

• get up from the TV and go outside, offer to play catch or take a walk with him.
• read, go to a bookstore and choose a book you’ll BOTH read (aloud or concurrently) and then talk about it.
• cook one dinner a week, start by choosing a recipe and cooking it together.

Over time, a new habit will form. You’ll be able to give your child more and more independence and the new behavior will become routine.

To learn more about how to motivate your child, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.

Call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

• screamed your head off at them?
• hit them and then felt terrible afterwards?
• said things to them in anger that you didn’t really mean?
• found yourself thinking, “This is not the kind of parent I ever thought I’d be?”

In today’s hectic world many parents are under a lot of stress and, as a result, there are times when they overreact to their children. Because we’re so close to those we love, our loved ones sometimes end up getting the bulk of our anger/discontent, even when they aren’t the cause of it. But you can learn to manage your emotions about life so that you don’t take things out on your kids.

It’s not uncommon for parents to be upset or preoccupied about one thing when something else the kids do or say pushes them over the edge.  It may be totally unrelated to what’s going on, but the next thing you know, your unsettled emotions are spilling over onto your kids.

Let’s say you’re stressed about work. You have an important project and the deadline is getting closer and closer.  Your boss is breathing down your neck and the client is putting more and more pressure on you.  You’re concerned and maxed out.  You come home and before you know it you are yelling at your teen for something he/she did. Many times it’s about something that started out relatively small, like your teen eating junk food before dinner or not turning off the TV when you tell her to.

In that moment, or later, you realize that you overreacted and took your emotions out on your child. You feel regretful and know that isn’t the kind of parent you want to be.  So, how do you become the loving parent that you’d like to be; the parent who is a fun companion when it’s appropriate and a caring disciplinarian when it’s needed?  You do this by becoming more aware of what’s going on inside yourself.  Turn your attention inward and become aware of what you’ve been feeling by asking yourself:

• Am I overreacting to something relatively minor?
• Am I preoccupied with a concern that’s unrelated to my kids?
• What’s been on my mind, and in my heart, recently?
• Was my child’s action or lack of action the final straw for me today?
• How can I take care of my own needs so that I don’t take things out on my child/children?

As parents, it’s crucial that we be mindful of ourselves or we can end up inadvertently dumping our anger or stress out onto our kids. We need to make sure we’re not releasing emotion on them that’s really about something else. Our kids are going to do things that are irritating and bothersome. However, we can become more loving parents,by asking, “How can I do a better job of taking care of my needs so that I don’t take my own stress out on my child/children?”

In order to find out better ways to handle your emotions, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

“You’re so passive! Why can’t you stand up for yourself?!”

“You’re over-involved with your family. Don’t you consider me!?”

“You’re too emotional! You need to be more logical.”

“You get enraged over the smallest things. You should be more accepting.”

Ever find yourself hating something about your partner? Who hasn’t? Once the initial romance wears off, we get to see many more sides of our partners – both the good and the ugly. Most people dislike some things about their partner for two reasons:

• Our partner’s traits and actions affect us negatively.
• We dislike in our partners the very same traits we dislike in ourselves.

The first statement probably doesn’t surprise you, but the second might be a little hard to swallow. In therapy terms, this is called ‘projection’. The idea is that it’s more palatable to see characteristics we dislike in other people than it is to see them in ourselves. It’s so much easier for the pot to call the kettle black. We tend to hate a trait in others (especially if the person is our spouse) rather than to recognize, “Oh, I do this too, sometimes.”

Let me give you an example. In this scenario, a wife tells her husband that an out of town cousin will stay at their house in a few weeks. It’s going to be on a night when the husband usually works late and she says “If you can be here that night, great.  If not, that’s okay.” Even though she says this, the husband knows it’s important to her that he be there and it’s important to him too. Although it’s not easy, the husband manages to change his work schedule. The morning before the cousin’s arrival, the wife tells him that the plans have changed and her cousin is coming a different night instead.  Right away, the husband feels anger swell up inside him. He yells, “What?!  You didn’t even ask me – you went ahead without talking to me first?! Do you know what I had to do to get coverage for that night!? Change it back!” When the wife refuses and says that he doesn’t have to be there, he moves into attack mode with, “You won’t ask her because you let others dictate your schedule. You can’t stand up for us or for yourself. You’re so passive! You’re weak!”

Why did the husband get so angry in this situation? There are several reasons. The first is totally legitimate: It’s not okay for one spouse to make unilateral decisions about things that affect both partners. It’s not that one spouse needs the other’s permission to do something; it’s just that couples should talk about things before deciding.

There are other valid reasons here, but the reason I want to focus on is this: the husband projected traits that he, himself, wrestles with onto his spouse. One clue to this was the way he labeled her behavior by calling her passive and weak. The husband got angry because, on some level, he realizes there are times he can be passive or fail to stand up for himself.  Since this is hard for him, he becomes enraged when he sees the same trait in his spouse.

How can the husband turn his anger or ‘energy’ into something productive? He can own his own passivity and develop the opposite trait: assertiveness. This is an opportunity for him to grow part of himself. Buried in this conflict is the chance to be different.

In this situation, the husband has the opportunity to be assertive by talking to his wife and cousin. He could say, “I felt hurt when you changed the plans without talking to me first. I was annoyed. I had to go through a lot to make that night available, and then you changed it. I wanted to be there. Next time, please talk to me before you decide what to do.” Instead of resenting his wife’s passivity, he can take this opportunity to grow his own assertiveness.

When you find yourself triggered by something that your partner does or says, you can take it to the next level by being curious about yourself. Ask yourself:

• What is the trait or characteristic that’s angering or hurting me?
• Do I struggle with that same trait sometimes?
• What is this an opportunity for me to learn to be instead?

To find out more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com 

Your parents or in-laws seem to make plans for you most weekends. It’s either some social function, asking you to help them at their house or just expecting your company. You wonder why your time has come to be determined by other people.

It can be hard to say ‘no’. Life presents many requests and demands on our time: career, household, parents, kids, in-laws, committees, groups – the list goes on and on. When you say ‘yes’ but really wanted to say ‘no’, you often end up feeling guilty, defeated and resentful. Sometimes even signing up for the fun things we WANT to do can leave us feeling overwhelmed!

So, how do you say ‘no’?

First, you (and your spouse if you’re married) must create time to reflect on what is truly important to you. Before you can live the life you long to have, first you have to create it in your minds. Then, write it down. Once you have this mission statement in writing, it will serve as a guide for making everyday decisions.

• What do you value?
• Where do you want to invest your time and energy?
• What brings you joy and meaning?

Second, notice your initial, gut reaction when someone makes a request of you.  Your very first feeling can be very telling.

• Does your heart sink?
• Do you feel inspired and excited?
• Do you dread telling your spouse?
• Are you eager to tell you spouse?

Third, learn the ‘YES, NO, YES’ response. Use this when want to say ‘no’ but are finding it difficult. The first ‘YES’ is about being true to what you (and your spouse) really value. When you are asked to do something, go back to your mission statement.  If your boss is asking you to work this weekend but you have plans with your family, see what’s in your mission statement about this.  Does it say, “We spend time together as a family doing what we all enjoy”?  That’s what you’d be saying the first ‘yes’ to. ‘Yes’ to yourself, ‘yes’ to your relationship and ‘yes’ to your family.

The ‘NO’ is declining a request. This is hard for many people. It takes courage. Often, when it’s difficult, we acquiesce and then feel resentful or angry.  Sometimes, we get verbally aggressive because we believe it’s the only way people will listen to us. However, it is possible to say ‘no’ calmly and respect the other person when it’s sandwiched between two “YES’s”.

The last ‘YES’ is a ‘yes’ to the other person. Although this isn’t your obligation or responsibility, it’s a gesture of caring. It’s a way for you to maintain your boundaries while offering another option.  For example, suppose your in-laws expect you to cut their lawn because it’s getting harder for them to do it themselves, but you and your partner want to veg out at home after a long work-week.  In this case, your last ‘yes’ could be offering to call a lawn maintenance company for them.

It IS possible to say ‘no’ to the things you really don’t want to be doing. Actually, this is a crucial skill: to know ourselves and what’s truly important and then to lead our lives in accordance with those values.  The ‘YES, NO, YES’ response will help you and your partner to accomplish this.

To find out more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Do you suspect that you both still love each other even though you don’t show it?

Many couples still have love between them even though it may not be apparent on a daily basis.  In so many relationships, the love is buried under layers and layers of unresolved issues.  If you look really hard you can see it, even if the only evidence is that your partner is still with you, contributes financially or loves your kids. If deep down you still love and care about your spouse, but lately all you see are the hurts between you, we can help.

In our intimate relationship, both joy and hurt are part of the journey.  Yet it is our natural reaction to pull away from the things that hurt us, whether they are physical or emotional.  Although it is extremely scary to be vulnerable to these hurts, the alternative is even worse: isolation. While others can’t hurt us when we isolate ourselves, we also are not open to the love and caring that is being shown to us.  This is a profound paradox.  Our hearts are protected, but they are also closed to receiving love.

So, how do we open ourselves to love in a relationship that sometimes hurts? We must uncover the love that has been buried.  Start by recognizing it. The love may be difficult to see, but it is likely that there are ways your spouse is expressing it in her or his own way.  It may be directly or indirectly shown through:

• Saying “I love you”
• Spending time with you
• Buying gifts or small trinkets when he/she is thinking of you
• Doing a task for you such as  making your coffee just the way you like it
• Going to work everyday
• Being a good parent to your children
• Making love to you

Allow yourself to notice the things he/she is doing or has done that communicate his/her love.  Be mindful that his/her way of showing you love may be quite different from your way of showing love.  Acknowledge the goodness that exists right here and now.  It is closer than you think.  By opening yourself to love, you will feel the divine joy and closeness that you deserve.  And what greater pleasure is there on this journey than to love and be loved?

To learn how to open yourself to receiving love, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.  Call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Is the fun, light-hearted side of your relationship missing?  Do things feel dull and blah between you and your partner?

And as much as you may not feel like laughing when things are this dull and distant, humor can really help your relationship.

•  When was the last time you kidded around with your partner?
• When was the last time you shared an inside joke?
• When was the last time you were both bent over in hysterical laughter?

There is tremendous value in bringing that fun, humor-filled attitude back into your life.  Humor connects people.  Sharing jokes between you brings you closer and helps bond you.  In addition, laughter helps us to see our lives more clearly.  Sometimes we need a reminder that BOTH difficulty and joy exist in our relationships.  It can be challenging to keep joy and playfulness in your heart when your relationship is going through difficulties.  Remember though, that your relationship does have joy and goodness even in the midst of hard times.  Life offers us plenty of moments of quirkiness, ironies,and absurdities.

Start by laughing at yourself.  As humans, we make plenty of mistakes.  There are so many idiosyncracratic things about each of us.  Keep in mind that I’m not talking about self-deprecating humor; humor in which we put ourselves down.  Instead, imagine that you can see yourself from another angle: a funny, jovial or playful way of seeing yourself.

Joke, laugh, and have fun with your partner.  Be aware, though, that joking with your partner can be tricky.  It’s a slippery slope to mocking and shaming. Teasing can easily turn to ridicule.  We might try to excuse it away by saying, “It’s only a joke!” or “Can’t you take a joke?”  However, some teasing is really criticism deeply disguised, so you have to be mindful about how your partner might feel.  The goal here is to use humor to bring you and your partner closer to each other, not an opportunity to put your partner down.  You don’t want to create more resentment and distance.

Find something neutral to introduce the humor back into your relationship.  Laugh together at things you both find funny.  It could be:

• the silly things your kids do and say
• a hilarious show or movie
• a comedian whose humor you both like
• something absurd that happened at work
• a funny website
• your pet’s curiosity and reactions to things
• playing with your kids and your pets

Bringing laughter back into your lives can help change the tone of your relationship. 

To find out more about how having fun together can help to bring you closer, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.  Call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com