Your parents or in-laws seem to make plans for you most weekends. It’s either some social function, asking you to help them at their house or just expecting your company. You wonder why your time has come to be determined by other people.

It can be hard to say ‘no’. Life presents many requests and demands on our time: career, household, parents, kids, in-laws, committees, groups – the list goes on and on. When you say ‘yes’ but really wanted to say ‘no’, you often end up feeling guilty, defeated and resentful. Sometimes even signing up for the fun things we WANT to do can leave us feeling overwhelmed!

So, how do you say ‘no’?

First, you (and your spouse if you’re married) must create time to reflect on what is truly important to you. Before you can live the life you long to have, first you have to create it in your minds. Then, write it down. Once you have this mission statement in writing, it will serve as a guide for making everyday decisions.

• What do you value?
• Where do you want to invest your time and energy?
• What brings you joy and meaning?

Second, notice your initial, gut reaction when someone makes a request of you.  Your very first feeling can be very telling.

• Does your heart sink?
• Do you feel inspired and excited?
• Do you dread telling your spouse?
• Are you eager to tell you spouse?

Third, learn the ‘YES, NO, YES’ response. Use this when want to say ‘no’ but are finding it difficult. The first ‘YES’ is about being true to what you (and your spouse) really value. When you are asked to do something, go back to your mission statement.  If your boss is asking you to work this weekend but you have plans with your family, see what’s in your mission statement about this.  Does it say, “We spend time together as a family doing what we all enjoy”?  That’s what you’d be saying the first ‘yes’ to. ‘Yes’ to yourself, ‘yes’ to your relationship and ‘yes’ to your family.

The ‘NO’ is declining a request. This is hard for many people. It takes courage. Often, when it’s difficult, we acquiesce and then feel resentful or angry.  Sometimes, we get verbally aggressive because we believe it’s the only way people will listen to us. However, it is possible to say ‘no’ calmly and respect the other person when it’s sandwiched between two “YES’s”.

The last ‘YES’ is a ‘yes’ to the other person. Although this isn’t your obligation or responsibility, it’s a gesture of caring. It’s a way for you to maintain your boundaries while offering another option.  For example, suppose your in-laws expect you to cut their lawn because it’s getting harder for them to do it themselves, but you and your partner want to veg out at home after a long work-week.  In this case, your last ‘yes’ could be offering to call a lawn maintenance company for them.

It IS possible to say ‘no’ to the things you really don’t want to be doing. Actually, this is a crucial skill: to know ourselves and what’s truly important and then to lead our lives in accordance with those values.  The ‘YES, NO, YES’ response will help you and your partner to accomplish this.

To find out more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Do you suspect that you both still love each other even though you don’t show it?

Many couples still have love between them even though it may not be apparent on a daily basis.  In so many relationships, the love is buried under layers and layers of unresolved issues.  If you look really hard you can see it, even if the only evidence is that your partner is still with you, contributes financially or loves your kids. If deep down you still love and care about your spouse, but lately all you see are the hurts between you, we can help.

In our intimate relationship, both joy and hurt are part of the journey.  Yet it is our natural reaction to pull away from the things that hurt us, whether they are physical or emotional.  Although it is extremely scary to be vulnerable to these hurts, the alternative is even worse: isolation. While others can’t hurt us when we isolate ourselves, we also are not open to the love and caring that is being shown to us.  This is a profound paradox.  Our hearts are protected, but they are also closed to receiving love.

So, how do we open ourselves to love in a relationship that sometimes hurts? We must uncover the love that has been buried.  Start by recognizing it. The love may be difficult to see, but it is likely that there are ways your spouse is expressing it in her or his own way.  It may be directly or indirectly shown through:

• Saying “I love you”
• Spending time with you
• Buying gifts or small trinkets when he/she is thinking of you
• Doing a task for you such as  making your coffee just the way you like it
• Going to work everyday
• Being a good parent to your children
• Making love to you

Allow yourself to notice the things he/she is doing or has done that communicate his/her love.  Be mindful that his/her way of showing you love may be quite different from your way of showing love.  Acknowledge the goodness that exists right here and now.  It is closer than you think.  By opening yourself to love, you will feel the divine joy and closeness that you deserve.  And what greater pleasure is there on this journey than to love and be loved?

To learn how to open yourself to receiving love, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.  Call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Is the fun, light-hearted side of your relationship missing?  Do things feel dull and blah between you and your partner?

And as much as you may not feel like laughing when things are this dull and distant, humor can really help your relationship.

•  When was the last time you kidded around with your partner?
• When was the last time you shared an inside joke?
• When was the last time you were both bent over in hysterical laughter?

There is tremendous value in bringing that fun, humor-filled attitude back into your life.  Humor connects people.  Sharing jokes between you brings you closer and helps bond you.  In addition, laughter helps us to see our lives more clearly.  Sometimes we need a reminder that BOTH difficulty and joy exist in our relationships.  It can be challenging to keep joy and playfulness in your heart when your relationship is going through difficulties.  Remember though, that your relationship does have joy and goodness even in the midst of hard times.  Life offers us plenty of moments of quirkiness, ironies,and absurdities.

Start by laughing at yourself.  As humans, we make plenty of mistakes.  There are so many idiosyncracratic things about each of us.  Keep in mind that I’m not talking about self-deprecating humor; humor in which we put ourselves down.  Instead, imagine that you can see yourself from another angle: a funny, jovial or playful way of seeing yourself.

Joke, laugh, and have fun with your partner.  Be aware, though, that joking with your partner can be tricky.  It’s a slippery slope to mocking and shaming. Teasing can easily turn to ridicule.  We might try to excuse it away by saying, “It’s only a joke!” or “Can’t you take a joke?”  However, some teasing is really criticism deeply disguised, so you have to be mindful about how your partner might feel.  The goal here is to use humor to bring you and your partner closer to each other, not an opportunity to put your partner down.  You don’t want to create more resentment and distance.

Find something neutral to introduce the humor back into your relationship.  Laugh together at things you both find funny.  It could be:

• the silly things your kids do and say
• a hilarious show or movie
• a comedian whose humor you both like
• something absurd that happened at work
• a funny website
• your pet’s curiosity and reactions to things
• playing with your kids and your pets

Bringing laughter back into your lives can help change the tone of your relationship. 

To find out more about how having fun together can help to bring you closer, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.  Call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com 

It’s likely that you know someone with his/her own passion who has been unable to get his/her kids involved. Maybe the child refuses to try. Or maybe the child participates, and even excels, at something the parents love, but doesn’t really feel any passion for it him/herself. The child might only participate because he/she has been pressured into it or feels it’s one way to get attention and praise.

That’s not what we want for our children. We expose them to the sport or hobby we are passionate about with good intentions: to share our excitement and joy with them. We long for them to feel the same enthusiasm that we do. We want them to incorporate this into their lives as they grow into adulthood. And naturally, we want them to excel at it, to go beyond the limits we reached ourselves.

We cultivate in our children a love for something by making it fun for them. We can do this by ensuring that there’s no pressure to perform or excel in competition.  We can help them enjoy the learning process and teach them it’s okay to make mistakes. We should allow kids to experience our hobby the way that they naturally do, even though this might not necessarily be our way. It’s important to put aside your own agenda and goals. Really notice what your kids are experiencing and respond:

• Is your child relaxed and laughing?  Great, continue.
• Is your child getting stressed or tense?  Ask them what help they need and do your best to give it to them.
• Does your child need a break?  Then, by all means, take a break!  This is not a race or competition.

Your goal at this early stage isn’t to develop her/him into a world class athlete or musician. Your goal is to grow your child’s love for this activity.

If teaching your child has been challenging at times, hire someone else to teach him/her. Enroll your child in a class or program with other children the same age. You don’t have to be the teacher, you only have to expose your child to it and make it a fun experience.

To make things fun for your children, you must also be connected with them. When I say connect with your child, I’m talking about sharing in his/her small accomplishments with enthusiasm, not criticism.  Don’t focus on what needs to be done differently. You want them to feel happy, curious, and eager to try. Here’s how to connect with your child’s learning experience:

• Notice and comment on times your child is trying his/her best.
• Give praise when a task is performed correctly.
• Do the activity yourself so you can model how much happiness this brings you.
• Attend and watch practices and performance.
• Don’t check email while you are there.
• Don’t just drop off and pick up.

Showing interest in your child’s learning experience will show him/her your love for this endeavor and will also show your love for him/her.

To learn how to grow your child’s interests without pushing them too hard, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com 

When painful feelings come, we want them to go away.  Some people try to push these feelings down by blinking back the tears.  Others try to move away from the pain by focusing on something else, constantly keeping busy, or trying to convince themselves they are being irrational.  Some people try to numb the pain in a more extreme way, by using drugs or alcohol.  Still others allow only their anger to come out by becoming physical, yelling, or demeaning others while suppressing painful feelings.

Unfortunately, there is a major drawback to avoiding feelings.  The risk is that, without getting the painful feelings out, they will remain inside of us.  Instead of experiencing these feelings and moving on, we hold them inside and carry them around while they show up again and again.  These painful feelings may be present every day disguised as chronic anger, chronic illness, stoicism, depression, and/or anxiety.  Unrelated events may trigger the painful feelings we have avoided.  Can you think of a time when your reaction was much greater than the situation warranted?  How many times have you and your spouse gotten into a huge argument about something “so stupid” or that later you couldn’t even remember what you were arguing about?  These irrational responses were buried painful feelings that came rushing out after being triggered by a “small” event.

We were all born with the capacity to experience all of our feelings, however, many of us learned to bottle them up.  Think back to the messages you picked up as a child.  Your parents, your peers, or the media may have said, “Boys don’t cry.” “Cheer up. It’s OK.” or “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”  Your caregivers may have communicated similar messages non-verbally, with a look or gesture that showed disapproval.  Or perhaps the people you grew up with didn’t show or talk about their feelings.  For example, you may have never seen your parents cry or get angry.

In spite of the messages we may have received, it is important to experience your painful feelings.  You can tolerate feeling them. It may be a scary experience, but you will survive it.  Feeling sorrow, fear, and despair at times is normal and okay.  It is necessary to experience these feelings so they can be released.  And, you can decide how to release them.

The first step in experiencing painful feelings is to notice what is going on inside of you.  Identify what it is you are feeling by naming it.  Is it disappointment, grief, fear, loneliness, rejection, shame or another feeling?  If it is anger you identify, notice what other feelings are underneath the anger.  Pay attention to what is going on inside your body.  Are there areas of tension, pain or other sensations?  These sensations are where the feelings live in your body.  The next step is to find a safe way to express the feelings.  Healthy ways to release your feelings are by:

• talking about your feelings with someone who’ll listen to you, such as a spouse, friend, or therapist,
• writing about the feelings,
• creating music or art,
• sitting with the feelings with your attention turned toward them, or
• crying.

I am not suggesting that you should turn toward the sadness and feel sad the rest of your life or that you should feel the fear and it overcomes your life.  Rather, experience the pain and move forward.  Amazingly, most feelings only last an average of six minutes!

Even though you may have received messages that painful feelings are not okay, all humans were born with the ability to feel the whole range of our emotions from elation to despair.  Figuring out how to to do this is an important part of growing into a mature adult.  Life becomes much more peaceful and joyful when we notice how we’re really feeling, release it, and move on.

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258 or email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

As we walk through life, both joy and hurt are part of the journey.  Yet, it is our natural reaction to pull away from the things that hurt us, whether they are physical or emotional.  Although it is extremely scary to be vulnerable to these hurts, the alternative is even worse: isolation.  While others can’t hurt us when we isolate ourselves, we also cannot receive love and caring.  This is a profound conundrum.  Our hearts are protected, but they are also closed to love.  And what greater pleasure is there on this journey than to love and be loved?  As M. Scott Peck says, to love is to be fully invested in the spiritual growth of another.  How divine to love and to be loved in this way!  It is exquisite.

So, how do we live with this paradox?  We must open our hearts by carefully choosing a person who feels safe.  If this person is your spouse, how wonderful!  It is important to realize, though, that the person who feels safe may not be your spouse at first.  This may surprise you, especially coming from a marriage counselor.  However, if your marriage has a history of many hurts that have not yet been talked about and worked through, your partner may not feel like a safe person.  You might feel safer being open with your therapist or a trusted friend.  This first experience will teach you what it feels like to be open.  Through this experiment, you can come to know in your heart that you can be open, survive it, and even relish it.  After that, you can begin to open your heart to your spouse.

It is important to recognize that there will be hurt sometimes, even with someone who is safe and even with your spouse.  This is because the other person is human, too, makes mistakes and has faults of his or her own.  He or she may unintentionally do or say something hurtful.  When this happens, and it will, allow yourself to feel the hurt and to talk about it with him or her.  Part of a close relationship is being able to discuss everything that happens between you.  If you both feel heard and understood, talking about a hurt can move the relationship or marriage even closer.  Only then, with openness and vulnerability, can love grow in your marriage.  As humans, we need one another.  We need to love and to be loved.  By opening yourself to love, you will feel the divine joy that you deserve.

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258 or email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Focusing on the things we are thankful for is important since the things we pay attention to grow in importance.  When we spend time thinking about what we are grateful for, we’ll notice these things appearing more frequently in our lives.  Noticing things that make you happy will automatically increase your feelings of pleasure and appreciation.

Appreciating the things you enjoy can become a part of your daily life.  Give daily thanks in the form of a prayer or write five things you are thankful for in a journal each night.

Think about the things you are thankful for.  Watch them grow and increase the joy in your daily life.  What are you thankful for?

· Being hugged
· A nice glass of wine
· A hilarious joke
· A park bench
· Beautiful weather
· Your physical health
· Laughing children
· Ice cream
· Chocolate
· Your mental health
· Take-out
· People who care
· A higher power
· The ecstasy of new romance
· Sex
· Books
· Coffee
· Career
· Modern medicine
· Your intellect
· Your eyesight
· Music that moves you
· Technology that makes your life easier
· Warm clothes from the dryer
· Free time
· Your loved ones

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258 or email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Ask as few questions as possible.  Questioning teens tends to close them down. Instead, make statements that don’t demand a response, such as, “I’ve been wondering what you think about your new coach.”  If you get an exceptionally brief response, that’s OK, because you were just wondering aloud.  Now that they know you are interested, they may tell you more later.

When teaching, be brief.  Keep “lectures” down to three sentences.  Your teens are smart and they’ll get it.  Going on and on will not increase their understanding; it will just tempt them to tune you out faster.

When disciplining, respect your teen.  Let your teen know they are a good kid; it was just their behavior that was a bad choice.

Listen for windows of opportunity.  These are brief statements from your teen which appear to be random.  For example, while driving to music practice, your teen may say out of the blue, “Mrs. Connor (the homeroom teacher) is way too intense.”  All you have to say in response is “Oh, really?”  This lets them know you want to hear more.

Listen (be silent) even when you disagree.  Your teen is exploring their independence by saying their thoughts aloud.  Hear what they have to say.  You can state your opinion at a later time.  If it’s a health or safety issue, though, you should tell your teen your opinion as soon as they’re done talking.

Talking and listening in this way will help your teen see you as less invasive and more mellow.  In turn, it will increase their connection to you.  Your teen wants and needs to be able to talk to you.  Following these guidelines for talking with teens can help create the right environment for him or her to open up.

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258 or email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

You CAN light up your partner’s holiday with a gift that’s just right.  It starts with an Imago teaching that says each person has his or her unique way of seeing the world.  Therefore, one person cannot claim to know how the other sees the world until the other person communicates it to him/her.  What does this have to do with gift giving?  More than you think!

Awhile back, someone dear to me read aloud an article listing gift ideas for loved ones.  I wondered, “How can we choose a gift for someone from a list written by someone else?”  We often end up buying gifts that, to us, sound great.  We even give gifts that we’d secretly (or not so secretly) like to receive ourselves.  If you’ve been there and done that, you probably already know that this rarely makes the recipient happy.

Instead of choosing gifts this way, find out what the person you are buying for likes first.  You can use the re-romanticizing exercise found in Harville Hendrix’s book, Getting The Love You Want.  In this exercise, both of you make a list of gifts or behaviors you’d like to receive.  Your list can also contain things your partner gave you in the past or things your partner hasn’t given you yet.  Make each item as specific as possible.

Now, exchange lists.  When it’s time to do something special for your partner, consult the list.  Since you know your partner wants these things, it’s a super-valuable resource.  It removes the stress and the unknown.

If you’d rather surprise your partner than pick from a list, you can still learn what your partner would truly like.  How?  Start planning early.  Be a detective throughout the year rather than just the weeks leading up to a holiday. Listen closely; your partner may be saying aloud the things he/she would like.  Or, you could simply ask!

So, in order to find the perfect gift you can:

• Do the re-romanticizing exercise and get a list of the exact things your partner wants.
•  Listen closely to what your partner says when you’re out at a store, reading the paper, or out with friends.
•  Find out if your partner keeps a file of wish list items (on paper or stored with online retailers).
•  Ask your partner’s friends, or the kids, if they know what your parnter wants.

The art of gift giving is so much more rewarding when we cherish the ways our partner is different from us and bestow upon them a gift they truly want to receive.

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how to communicate to your partner about these things and more, call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258 or email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

What does this have to do with gift giving?  A few weeks ago, someone dear to me read aloud an article listing gift ideas for your Valentine.  What struck me was: how could we choose a gift for someone from a list written by someone else?  Reminds me of the Golden Rule: buying gifts that, to us, sound like a great idea.  (Or, many people give gifts they’d secretly, or not so secretly, would like to receive themselves.)  The Platinum Rule is lightyears ahead of this and can be applied to gift giving as well.  Both the Platinum Rule and Imago encourage us to find out what the person likes first, before we buy for them.  This also dispels a myth about marriage: if my partner loves me, he/she will know what I like without me having to say it.  A myth that has been at the start of many arguments within relationships.  I’ve been there.

One way to learn what your partner likes is the Reromanticizing exercise found in Harville Hendrix’s book Getting The Love You Want.  To do this exercise: on separate sheets of paper, each of you write a list of gifts or behaviors you would like receiving.  Perhaps they were ones you partner gave you or did for you in the past.  Or they may be ones he/she hasn’t purchased or done for you yet.  Make each item as specific as possible.  Now, exchange lists and use it whenever you need to buy a gift or do something special for your partner.  Note: it’s OK if there are items on your partner’s list that you are unwilling to purchase or do at this time.  You can focus on the other items and talk in couples therapy about why that item is particularly challenging for you.  (These difficult items may be hints as to the lost parts of yourself that your partner is encouraging you to grow.)

If you like to surprise your partner with his or her gift, how do you learn what is it they’d truly like to receive?  Be a detective throughout the year.  Listen closely for your partner to say what they like when you’re out at a store, reading the paper, and out with friends.  Your partner may already be saying aloud the things they like.  Even if it’s months away, you may decide to buy it the now and save it for the holiday.

The art of gift giving is so much more rewarding when we cherish the ways our partner is different from us and bestow upon them a gift they truly want to receive.

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074/800-746-1258 or email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com