Testimonials

Being in couples therapy with you has changed our relationship.  We’ve learned so many skills and we have more insight into our partner and ourselves.  You’ve also provided a calm place for us to work on our biggest issues. It’s been hard work at times and it’s been well worth it.

Before working with you, we would argue bitterly.  I would make a snide remark to Tanya and the next thing we know, we’re in a big fight.  Or, Tanya would spend extra time working and I’d get very upset because she was avoiding me.  I tried everything to get her to open up but nothing worked.  I even would push her hot buttons just to get a reaction.  That worked to get a reaction, but left us feeling distant from each other.  She tried everything to avoid triggering my anger but nothing worked.  We were locked in conflict.

Through our work in therapy with you, we each learned more about ourselves.  For me, I am noticing when I feel upset and now am choosing not to react to it. Instead of focusing on my wife and what she’s doing, I’m focusing on myself and what I need when I’m upset.  When I do this, I can then go about getting what I need in a healthy way – like asking for it calmly.  I’m staying neutral and even-keeled.  For my wife, she is more interested in being with me and, in turn, she’s more proactive such as planning a date night.  Because I’m calmer, it’s made it safer for her to communicate more.  Because I’m more even tempered, it’s made her WANT to do things I ask of her. We are excited to be going away on a vacation, together!  These are things we’ve longed for and they’re finally coming true.

Thank you!

John & Tanya
Iselin, NJ

Our work together has made a big difference in my life and I want to thank you for all you’ve done to help me.  With your guidance, caring, and support, I’ve learned to deal with my problems much more effectively, and now I find that I am much happier and calmer.

Before working with you, I would react hastily when I got angry.  Instead of solving my problems, my quick, angry responses would prolong them.  I found myself wanting revenge on those I felt had wronged me. I also felt isolated from my parents, who seemed to live in their own world.

Through our work together, I’ve learned to take a deep breath, calmly step back, and think things through before reacting.  I find that I can now understand the other person’s point of view.  I can also deal with my parent’s issues in a better way.  I no longer let it affect me negatively the way it used to.  In addition, I find that I am choosing healthier relationships and can actually have arguments calmly and rationally.  You taught me to have more insight into others than I did before and I don’t take the bait or let myself get goaded into arguments as often.  Instead of feeling angry, wronged, and attacked, I have learned how to stop conversations where I feel criticized and find out where it’s coming from.  Without our work together, these changes would not have happened.

Thank you, Meredith!

Monica M.
Princeton, NJ

I came to you wanting help with my relationship and I’m amazed at how much more I learned than I expected.  I operate so differently now and my relationships are light-years ahead of what they used to be.  Even though we met one on one, without my girlfriend, there has been a huge change in my relationships.

When I first came to you, I had problems in my relationship with my girlfriend.  I used to not communicate to her.  I would just say ‘yes’ to please her.  Or I would say “Fine” when she asked to talk about how things are going between us.  I even avoided telling her how I felt about her.  I was trying to avoid talking about anything serious because I thought it would automatically lead to conflict.  At the time, I was just trying to avoid hurting her feelings.  Now I realize how nervous and unsure that made her.  Another problem I had before was that I didn’t know what I really wanted.  Or, I would know but wouldn’t ask my girlfriend for it because I always assumed her answer would be ‘no’.  My relationships were really stressful.  Not only with my girlfriend, but with other people too.

Thanks to all the work we did, things are so much better.  I’m now able to communicate.  It allows me and my girlfriend to talk on a deeper, closer level and I feel less stressed and more relaxed about it.  I know it’s OK when a more serious talk comes up.  I’ve learned that when stuff shows up, it’s better to get it out and get it resolved right then.  If I see something I don’t like, I’ll say something.  It’s no longer building up inside me.  I don’t do this 100% of the time because I’m still working on it.  But I’m doing it WAY more than before and it’s been really good.

I’m also able to ask for what I want and I was surprised at how easy it was!  It just comes out.  And my girlfriend has made changes I asked for!  Once I saw the results of asking for what I want, I knew it was a good thing.  I still can’t believe how easy it is to do (and that the answer can be ‘yes’) once you taught me how to do it effectively.

Another important thing I learned to do from working with you is to end relationships in a good way.  I used to stop them abruptly without any ending.  Or, and I learned this through you, I would do things to drive the person away so that they would end it, not me (again to avoid conflict).  After we discussed this pattern, I now have the ability to end a relationship that’s not working for me and, as you say, ‘end well’.  I can talk to the person about it. We can have a calm discussion.  We can leave the relationship feeling OK and I know that if I were to see her again, things wouldn’t be awkward.  We’ve had some kind of ‘closure’.

Coming into therapy, I had no idea how much I would learn from you.  I am so grateful that I had you to show me what I was doing and how it was negatively effecting me.  Then, you gave me all these tools to use so I now know good ways to deal with things as they come up.  All this stuff I can use in all areas of my life: relationships, family, at work.  I had no idea this kind of help was out there and I’m so glad to have found you to teach me.

Thank you, Meredith.

Sean

We want to take this opportunity to thank you for the tremendous impact working with you has had on our relationship.

Maria and I married relatively young and were extremely happy during the “honeymoon” phase of our relationship.  Unfortunately we both brought all of the unresolved issues of our childhood into the relationship and these very quickly began to cause major stress to our marriage.  Add to this the fact that under stressful situations I withdraw and Maria does the opposite and you had the perfect scenario for constant bickering, fighting and general unhappiness.

We both loved each other but it seemed there was always something in the way.  We constantly misinterpreted each others words, body language and intentions.  I felt trapped with a wife who didn’t listen and didn’t understand me and Maria felt trapped with a defensive, non-communicative and uncaring husband.  These feelings generated resentment and a selfishness borne of the feeling that “if my spouse doesn’t put me first then I’ll put myself first”.  This in turn brought out the worst in both of us.  We were trapped in a seemingly endless downward spiral.  We were both very guarded when talking to each other.  Many times I would imagine the worst about what was being discussed, created all sorts of negative scenarios, attributed the wrong meaning to words/actions or give exorbitant significance to even the smallest things Maria said or did.  She in turn did the same. These were the destructive “stories” of our relationship.

It was very rare when we felt connected.  Instead, feeling disconnected became the norm and I began to see Maria as the enemy.  We felt as if no one could help us because our problems and issues were so “unique”.  We tried both couples counseling and family counseling.  None worked, partly because I didn’t believe in therapy and partly because the therapists kept trying to address the problems in our marriage as if the causes were isolated to each of our individual issues.  After 23 years of marriage we were both terribly unhappy, feeling trapped and with nowhere to go even though be both still loved each other.

Two and a half years ago, in desperation, Maria convinced me to go to a couple’s weekend that was a workshop for something called Imago.  This Imago weekend opened up a new way to interact with each other.  We learned that our relationship issues were not “unique” and that as adults we found mates who helped us resolve our unresolved childhood issues.  We learned to communicate with each other by each putting aside ones own issues while intently and empathically listening to the other.  The key being that you gave importance to your partner’s feelings first and trusted that by doing so the time would come when you to would have your feelings addressed in the same manner.  Equally important was the concept that our relationship wasn’t just the sum total of our interactions but a living, breathing entity created by those interactions, almost like a child.  And like a child, it had to be cared for so that it could grow and strengthen the bond between us.

All of these ideas were very new to us and could only be used to really affect change within us and within our relationship by working closely with an experienced therapist whose patient was the relationship.  We met you at that couples weekend and our work with you has profoundly changed each of us and our relationship.  We have never been happier.  You’ve helped us make profound breakthroughs with the issues of our childhood that were directly impacting the relationship.  You helped us dispel our fears and anxieties and create a new relationship based on trust, empathy and a deep and abiding desire to do what’s best for our partner and the relationship.  I am no longer the defensive, uncaring, uncommunicative husband and Maria now listens and understands me better than anyone ever has.  She is no longer the enemy but my dearest and most trusted friend.  Our relationship has grown and matured to the point that we both are beginning to understand what real love is and how it can generate tremendous happiness and strength for each of us.  We now look forward, with great anticipation, to the rest of our lives together, knowing that as we continue to live by what we’ve learned with you, our relationship will continue to grow and strengthen and we’ll be happy as we grow older together.

I write these words as a way of expressing our deep and heartfelt thanks to you for what you’ve helped us accomplish for ourselves and the relationship and in the hopes of inspiring you to continue your work; giving other suffering couples the opportunity to escape their own demons and build relationships of trust, safety and enduring love.

Again, thank you so much.

Gil and Maria

I wrote you something to capture what it was like to work with you.  I wanted to write how I was feeling when I first came into your office.  It’s about me having lost people I loved, my family, and women I loved.  It’s also about finding love again.  And how talking out these things with you helped me to get through them.  I no longer feel alone in the world.  I’ve started to let people in again.  Not fully, but it’s a start.  The title is ‘Everyday Life’.

Here it is:

Everyday life can take you for a ride.
There’s days you don’t know who is even on your side.
You have lost your faith and all your hope.
You’re not sure these days that you can even cope.
You don’t know what happened or if this lost is real.
Your insides hurt this is how you feel.
You’re all alone and you need to get out.
Searching for answers is what it’s about.
The one you love is gone from your being.
The pain in your heart is all you’re seeing.
Looking for answers and what you should do.
Wondering why they are no longer with you.
You’re a lost soul with no one to love.
You pray for answers from God above.
With your mind in a spin you take a long walk.
Reaching out for anyone you just want to talk.
There is so much pain and hurt inside.
Many a day you have sat and cried.
Your family and friends say you will be all right
But the turmoil inside is in one big fight.
When in your life you get to this kind of place.
Maybe you should take a long look at your face.
When standing there looking deep in that mirror.
A lot of the answers soon will be clear.
You find in your heart a place you can go.
Just to sit and talk to someone you know.
When you can do this it will be ok.
It’s the help you need to be on your way.
These are my words that come from my heart.
I looked in that mirror and made a new start.
All I can say is thanks to a new friend.
I am happy in love and starting again.
Sometimes it’s ok to just say goodbye.
And feel in your heart no reason to cry.
When you’re able to do this just like all of the rest.
You will know that the talking was a success.
Thank you for everything so far.

Sincerely,

Ron
Piscataway, NJ