Holidays

My Mother Turns 75 This Month: How the family plans to express our appreciation of her

November 2, 2015 by admin in Events, Family, Giving Thanks, Holidays, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off on My Mother Turns 75 This Month: How the family plans to express our appreciation of her

Mom On Carousel

My brother, sister and I are throwing a party in her honor. As fun as it will be connecting with family and friends, there’s one aspect of her birthday celebration I’m most excited about: a scrapbook of notes from those who love her and photos of them with her. When I realized this scrapbook is really about the appreciation people feel for my mother, I decided to share this with my followers. This coincides nicely with Thanksgiving approaching because it’s typically the time of year when we reflect on that which we’re grateful for. I’ll tell you how we’re doing it and it may inspire you to do the same for your loved one.

We mailed out blank white cards for people to use if they wish and instructed them to mail them to me (with a photo, if they can find one) in advance of the party. Then I’ve been sliding the notes and photos into the sheets of the book. It’s not fancy but the love and appreciation that it contains is astounding. I’ve been surprised and touched by what I’ve received.

For one, my cousin sent me an old photo I don’t remember ever seeing: It’s my mother age 6 or so riding a horse on a carousel. She’s in her 1940’s Sunday best and smiling from ear to ear. The photo is adorable, nostalgic, and touching. My heart was overcome with fondness to think of my cousins and aunt and uncle making time to find that old photo for this project.

Also, beautiful, funny and sentimental notes are arriving. They’ve described their appreciation for my mother helping their aging or ill parent AND just how much that meant to them. One person wrote about her gratitude when my mother sat with HER during a recovery. A former neighbor wrote about how his wife looked forward to walking to my mother’s house to retrieve items they picked up for each other on their last trip to the grocery store and looked forward to the companionship. My note is about how I admire my mother’s sense of adventure. She was and, to a lesser extent now, is always up for an outing, a social event, or going to the beach or the mountains. I love that about her and I’m sure it’s part of what made me in the person I’ve become: willing to explore, be active and to try new things.

I’m so excited to present the book of gratitude (and love) to her at the party. She’ll briefly look through it that day but I imagine the true scope of the book will reveal itself later when she has quiet time at home to savor each note. She’ll take in all the words of love and appreciation people feel for her, but so rarely express. This is true for most of us: we hardly make the time to tell those we love or admire how we feel about them. We have busy lives. We’re doing THINGS but not making time to connect with others.

I hope you’re considering doing something like this for your loved one even if the relationship isn’t always wonderful. My mother’s and my relationship certainly isn’t. We’ve had, and continue to have, our share of ups and downs, disagreements, misunderstandings and hurts. Yet the process of compiling this book has reminded me of the value of expressing the positives we do feel.

Here’s how you can create something similar.
• Purchase a scrapbook that contains clear sheets you can slide things into
• Ask friends and family if they’d be willing to write a brief note about the person you have in mind
• Give them ideas of what to write about (a fond or hilarious memory, something they appreciate or admire about this person, or words of love)
• Ask them to include a photo if possible
• Instruct them as to how to get the notes and photos to you
• Slide them into the scrapbook pages & use photo safe tape to hold the photos in place
• Present the completed book to your loved one
• Allow them to look through the book privately if they prefer

November is a great time to reflect on what we’re thankful for, including the people in our lives. May you find a way to express to those you love exactly what you love about them.

How to Give a Meaningful Gift That Can Help You Reconnect With Your Partner

December 20, 2013 by admin in Emotions, Holidays, Relationships | Leave a comment

You’re online or in a store shopping for a present for your partner and you don’t have a clue what would make a good gift. Maybe you don’t know what he or she wants. Maybe one of you is out of work or you are feeling the recession in some other way. Maybe there’s a chill in the relationship and neither of you is feeling particularly motivated to buy a gift. Whatever the case, you want to get something and you want it to be something that your partner will appreciate.

I’ve written before on how to find the perfect gift. If you are looking to buy something for your partner you can:

  • Do the re-romanticizing exercise to get a list of the exact things your partner wants.
  • Listen closely to what your partner says when you’re out at a store, reading the paper, or out with friends.
  • Find out if your partner keeps a file of wish list items (on paper or stored with online retailers). 
  • Ask your partner’s friends, or the kids, if they know what your partner wants.

But you don’t have to spend a lot of money to give your partner a meaningful gift. How about a gift that is thoughtful rather than material? Have you ever received a gift that was created by someone that reflects the relationship, history, or values that the two of you share? These can be the most precious gifts of all. In a culture marked by consumerism and disposable goods, gifts like this can be a welcome departure from buying more THINGS and spending more MONEY.

To create a meaningful gift:

  • Create an album of photos of the good times you’ve shared together.
  • Do the Flooding Exercise to shower your partner with appreciations.
  • If you’re artistic, draw, paint, or sculpt a symbol of your union.
  • If you’re musical, compose something for him/her.
  • If you’re poetic, personalize lyrics of an existing song and sing it (or have it sung by a professional if your singing sounds like nails on a chalkboard).
  • If you’re physical, give your partner an amazing massage on a date night that you’ve planned. Include massage oil and music in an uninterrupted and relaxing space.
  • If you’re visual, create a paper chain and write the name of a special place, a memory, or a joke the two of you share on each link.

What if there IS tension and distance between the two of you right now? Sure, it’d be emotionally easier to give a new tie or even a new car. For one, at least you got them something. Secondly, a hot new toy can serve as a distraction from what’s going on in your relationship. I want you to consider going out on a limb instead. If you create a meaningful gift, it will be as if you’re extending an olive branch or peace offering to your partner. Even if your partner has been giving you the cold shoulder or has been nitpicking at you, underneath their hard shell, he or she is likely longing to be close to you. You partner may have difficulty admitting it, but it’s likely that he or she is dying to receive your love and attention.

Imago therapists like to say, “The conflict is a cry for connection.” A meaningful gift can be a great way to help move past the conflict and connect with one another. Be the one to extend your hand to connect – even for a moment. Be the person who is brave enough to admit that, you too, want this closeness. Be the change you want to see by giving a truly meaningful gift.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

 

Valentine’s Day and The Myth That Couples Should Always Be Close

February 26, 2013 by admin in Emotions, Family, Holidays, Relationships | Leave a comment

The common (and incorrect) assumption about relationships is that if we just find the right person, then we’ll always be close. We start in Romantic Love where we can’t get enough of each other. During this early stage of love, we are each other’s most passionate supporter and in sync sexually. Most people believe that as time goes on, if we’ve chosen the right person, we’ll learn more and more about each other, we’ll come to agree on most things, and we’ll get closer and more intimate with each passing year. The myth is that we shouldn’t argue or disagree, there should always be harmony, and that if our partner cares enough he/she will know all about us – our wishes and needs. It follows, then, that we shouldn’t need to verbalize our wishes and needs because, ‘if she/he really cared, she/he would just know’. These myths have gotten many couples in a lot of conflict.

Part of what characterizes real love is quite different from that misconception. Real love vacillates between closeness and distance, between moments of love and moments of hurt/loneliness/hopelessness. It moves from one to the other and back again the way a fan moves from side to side countless times. It’s normal for people in long-term relationships to sometimes love and sometimes hate, yes, even hate, the other. (Actually hate is closer to love than you’d expect. Hate, although it’s painful and difficult, indicates that we DO care enough to have a strong opinion. It indicates that we are invested in this person and what he/she does and thinks and feels. The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is, in fact, disinterest, not caring, and not being impacted by the other.)

Real love is a relationship in which we experience intense feelings, not lack of feelings. We are sometimes close, intimate, understanding and empathetic and other times we are angry, hurt, lonely, and distant. And of course, the other in-between feelings also exist in real love: peacefulness, contentedness, frustration, happiness, sadness – and the list goes on. Remember that feelings come and go. Relationships, on the other hand, require commitment and personal responsibility to weather the storms and last for the long-term.

What makes a good, strong relationship is the ability to move FROM distance BACK TO closeness. How do couples do that? They do it with:

  • a new perspective on how relationships are meant to help us grow those unfinished parts of ourselves
  • tools such as listening, understanding, and empathy
  • the support of others.

These are all the tools you’ve seen me writing about for years. You can find many of these articles on my website.

So whether this Valentine’s Day was one of the best celebrations of your love, one of the worst times between you, OR somewhere in between, know that you can expect your relationship to move from one state to another as time progresses. If things are great right now, its likely that you will have a rupture coming up and the opportunity to re-establish closeness following that. If things are crappy right now, your challenge is to learn to move closer to each other again. Recognizing that it’s a myth that couples should always be close (AND learning what IS true for long-term relationships) can help you to do what you need to do to bring back the closeness, love, and fondness you long for.

To find out more, come work with us here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

It’s Mid-January and Your Resolutions Have Already Fallen To The Wayside: What Happened?

January 23, 2013 by admin in Holidays, Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

You said, “Next year I’m going to do things differently. Next year is the year I’ll finally stop doing ____ or start doing _____”. You start out with a firm resolve to make the changes last.

But will they last? Many people begin the year strong and then eventually fall back into old patterns. It’s not easy to make permanent, lasting change. But it IS possible. How?

Contrary to what you may believe, change is not simply a matter of having strong willpower. Making improvements is not only about toughing it out. Lasting change happens when you’re in a supportive relationship. You need someone to support you, to be there when you stumble, and to help you get back on track. Permanent, lasting change happens when you are in relationship with someone:

  • trustworthy and genuine
  • accepting of you as you are
  • who makes you feel safe when you are with them
  • who is there for you even when you stumble or fail, encouraging you to get back up
  • who is able to put aside their own “stuff” when they are supporting you
  • who challenges you or confronts you when that’s what you need
  • whose primary motive for helping you is your growth, rather than their gain

You don’t have to be in a ‘relationship’ per say. Do you know someone, including a friend or professional, who can give you this kind of support? It could be a:

  • spouse
  • mentor
  • friend
  • clergy member
  • coach
  • therapist

Here at Couples Therapy Center, we have therapists who can provide this kind of support for you so your resolutions last beyond January and become permanent changes.

We do this by truly listening to you and by seeking to understand you – without judgment. Together you and your therapist will learn WHY you think, feel and behave the way you do. As you talk about what you want to change and come to understand why, you will come to accept yourself. Over time, you will have created a healthy, supportive, caring relationship. Out of this relationship, you will grow and be able to make the changes in your life that you desire.

Remember: people mistakenly believe they can change if they have enough willpower. That’s not true. People change deeply and permanently when they’re in a caring relationship with a spouse, caregiver, friend, coach, or therapist. It is this relationship that sets the foundation for change.

To find a supportive relationship or learn how to transform your existing relationship into one that can help you bring about lasting change, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Light up Your Partner’s Holiday With A Gift That’s Just Right

November 29, 2011 by admin in Holidays | Leave a comment

You know it’s coming soon: an important holiday and you need to buy your partner a gift.  But what to buy? You have NO IDEA.  You’re wondering what it is they’d like, you’re trying to guess, and as the date gets closer, the stress is setting in.  You want to get him/her just the right thing, but you don’t know what that is!

You CAN light up your partner’s holiday with a gift that’s just right.  It starts with an Imago teaching that says each person has his or her unique way of seeing the world.  Therefore, one person cannot claim to know how the other sees the world until the other person communicates it to him/her.  What does this have to do with gift giving?  More than you think! Read More

The Art of Gift Giving: The Platinum Rule

November 21, 2011 by admin in Holidays | Leave a comment

Remember hearing the Golden Rule when you were a child?  It simply means treat others as you would like to be treated.  It is a great standard.  Well, it’s since been upgraded to the Platinum Rule.  The Platinum Rule means treat others as they would like to be treated.  Wow, what a difference!  The best way we can treat another is the way they would like!  This tenent fits so beautifully with Imago Relationship Therapy.  Imago teaches that each person has his or her unique way of seeing the world.  One person cannot claim to know what is true for another person until the other person communicates it to us.

What does this have to do with gift giving?  A few weeks ago, someone dear to me read aloud an article listing gift ideas for your Valentine.  What struck me was: how could we choose a gift for someone from a list written by someone else?  Reminds me of the Golden Rule: buying gifts that, to us, sound like a great idea.  Read More

Finding Holiday Happiness: How To Cope with Feelings of Lonliness and Sorrow

September 23, 2011 by admin in Holidays | Leave a comment

Everywhere we go we are bombarded with advertising and store merchandising in celebration of the holidays.  Images of being surrounded warmly by friends and family abound.  While these images paint a beautiful picture of joy and the holiday spirit, the reality is that some people feel happy, while others do not.  Many people feel loneliness and grief for their losses during the holiday season.  Although there is no media blitz shouting it to the world, it is actually quite common to feel sadness this time of year.  And denying that you truly feel this way may actually increase your feelings of sadness or inadequacy.  For some, trying to avoid these feelings causes depression, anxiety, stress or illness.  Others, in response to the massive marketing campaigns with jingling bells and falling snow, try to avoid feelings of loneliness by overcompensating with abundant or expensive gifts. Read More