We Are Here to Help

March 28, 2020 by admin in Relationships | Comments Off

During the COVID-19 pandemic, we are thinking of you and your families.

As a nation, we have been ‘Overcome By Events’ including:

· Adjusting to a temporary new normal

· A loss of our usual stress relievers: going to the gym, spending time with friends, worshiping together

· Being with family 24/7 without breaks

· Parents helping kids with online schoolwork

· Parents helping kids with their feelings and worries and smaller losses (i.e. not being able to play with friends)

· Concern for our aging loved ones and those with health issues

· Heartache for the elderly who we can’t visit

· Sadness and deep concern those who have become ill

· Our jobs being cut back or eliminated

For many, the pandemic is bringing out feelings of worry and fear. Together with the above-mentioned events, the stage is set for couples to have a higher level of conflict. They may likely engage in arguments over small things, misinterpretations, intense verbal conflicts, and at worst, escalating to physical fights (my grocery store now has a security guard at check out). Couples may have less time to connect with one another due to disrupted routines and children home all day.

There is something you and your partner CAN do right now to help you both feel better. Share with each other the things you DO have that you are grateful for, such as:

· Gratefulness for our own health

· Tremendous gratitude for our ‘front line’ workers such as (but not limited to) those working in healthcare, sanitation, shipping, Fire and Police, scientists making tests and working on a cure, food warehouses and grocery stores, gas stations…the list goes on

· Happy to have our loved ones safe and close

· Thankful to live in the technological age where many of us can work remotely, do a teleconference with our therapist, and video chat with loved ones far away

· Grateful to have phones to stay in touch with and basic utilities such as water and power

Please reach out to us at 908-246-3074, or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com if you need help, either as a couple or an individual. If needed, we will adjust our fees and some insurance companies are waiving the member’s co-payment. We are thinking of you and here for you during this challenging time.

We Tried Couples Therapy and it Didn’t Work!

March 5, 2020 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Therapist | Comments Off

Did you try couples therapy hoping things would get better but instead they got worse? Did the session devolve into the same argument or you were deeply hurt in the session? Does couples therapy even work? If previous efforts to use couples therapy have been unsuccessful, our hearts go out to you. You took a risk to try to get help and instead were met with disappointment, maybe even judgement. Are you not wanting to go through that again but don’t know where else to turn for help? As specialists in couples work, we have a few things for you to consider…

First, did you choose a therapist who specializes in couples work? As in all fields, therapists have a range of specialties and capabilities. How do you know which therapist is skilled? Too many well-meaning therapists who have only been trained to work with individuals agree to see couples. They may invite their client’s spouse to join in the sessions OR the client may request their partner comes in. The concern with individual therapists is the therapist may not be knowledgeable about the complicated dynamics in long-term relationships. They know how to validate and empathize with individual clients but not know how to handle the interactions between a couple. They may not know how to redirect couples headed toward an argument, or assist couples with communicating effectively about conflict. They may not know to go underneath the content, identify the meaning this subject has, and address it at that level. Perhaps they don’t realize the need to develop good interactions that currently exist between them, such as friendship and intimacy, or recognize the importance of fondness and admiration in a healthy relationship. There are many skills necessary in treating couples versus treating individuals, so it is crucial to look for a specialist in couples work. Things to ask a potential therapist…

· Do you have specific training in marriage and relationships above and beyond your master’s degree?

· Do you hold a certification in one or more couples therapy methods, if so, which one(s)?

· Do you let couples argue during the session in order to see how they interact?

· Do you teach couples skills in communication and positive interactions?

Second, did you choose a therapist who uses an evidenced based approach? An evidenced based theory is one which has been thoroughly researched and shown to be effective. At Couples Therapy Center of NJ, we use the Gottman method, which is backed by decades of research by Doctors John & Julia Gottman to be effective with working with couples. One of Gottman’s key finding (that’s been replicated many times over in the literature on couples) is: couples need a ratio of 5 positive to every 1 negative emotion expressed during a conflict. The Gottman Method specifically addresses this by teaching couples to successfully repair a conflict and exit the negative-affect state early, before it becomes a problem. When choosing a therapist be sure to ask…

· Which couples therapy theory do you use?

· What is the research showing it’s effectiveness?

Third, did both people start the therapy willing to improve the relationship? For some couples, one client may be ambivalent about the relationship – not sure they want to repair things. In those cases, our therapists here help the couple to talk through their dynamics in a productive way and to identify what each person brings to the relationship (the good and the bad). It is through this process of exploration that the couple comes to their own conclusion about whether they want to repair and stay together. For other couples, one partner is already ‘checked out’ of the relationship and intends to divorce. In their mind, that partner wants to be able to say “We tried everything to save the marriage – even couples counseling.” In these instances, no amount of skill on the part of the therapist or research done on the therapy style can overcome an unwilling client. At our center, during the first meeting, we ask each partner to say what results they’re hoping for from couples therapy. It becomes clear at this point what each person’s agenda is. If the couple is ambivalent but agrees to continue couples meetings, the focus changes to improving their ability to communicate and how to help their children. When choosing a therapist, ask…

· How do you handle if one partner is ambivalent about the relationship?

· What if my partner says they don’t want to repair things?

If you had a bad experience in couples therapy, we feel for you and hope that asking yourself these questions gave you more insight into that process. We hope you’ll consider this process again, this time being sure to ask the above questions of a future therapist. Ultimately, couples therapy can be an experience that leads to incredible growth and happiness in your relationship. If you want to work with therapists who specialize in relationships, please reach out to us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or 908-246-3074.

Broadening Our Definition of Sex

November 12, 2019 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

How do you define ‘sex’? Is it when one or both partners orgasm? For heterosexual couples, PIV only? How about oral sex, mutual masturbation, or sexting – does that ‘count’? Over the years of working with couples, we have heard many partners express feeling unfulfilled with their sex life. If a partner brings this up in session, we dig deeper as to what is causing the dissatisfaction. For many couples, one partner wants sex more frequently. In other couples, one partner is dissatisfied with the level of intimacy and love expressed during sex – as if their partner is there just to get off.

But, one consistent finding is that HOW each partner defines sex can be an issue in and of itself – adding to the perception that it’s unfulfilling.

In helping each partner to understand this better, we ask “How do you define sex”? Very often, for heterosexual couples the person says (using their own language) vaginal penetration with a penis. They may have a partner who defines sex to include other forms of contact, even sexting when one partner is away. But what if sex is any contact (physical or not) that’s both pleasurable and connecting? Here’s how broadening one’s definition of sex to any contact that’s both pleasurable and connecting can help a couple.

It relaxes pressure to perform. Men can feel pressure to get and maintain an erection and ejaculate in an amount of time that’s satisfying for both persons. If sex is not only defined by vaginal penetration, men can feel more relaxed and comfortable knowing that they are providing the intimacy their partner is looking for, even without a long-lasting or firm enough erection.
It allows both persons to let go of orgasm being the ‘goal’ of the encounter. Ironically, letting go of that ‘goal’ is sometimes what’s needed for orgasm to happen! Instead, be relaxed and in the moment noticing physical sensations, sights, sounds, and the scent of one’s partner. If the goal is simply to feel pleasure and connection, so many activities can help you achieve this with your partner, with or without orgasm.
It creates more opportunities for connection if more things ‘count’. If pleasurable contact (such as massage, hair brushing, showering together, sexy talk on the phone, sending a racy photo, masturbating in the presence of one’s partner) are part of this broader definition of sex, partners can come to see their sex life in a more positive light. They can also come to feel that it is more vibrant and fun and intimate than they previously thought.
It highlights the moments in a relationship that do contain love, fondness, play and/or intimacy. While we tend to notice, remember, and even stay focused on the negative moments in our relationship, it is crucial to focus on the positives as well. With a broadened definition of sex, you will likely find you are having more positive interactions to focus on. When we are grateful for what we do have, that builds upon itself and inspires more pleasurable connections.

Broadening our definition of sex can have the effect of creating more intimate moments and increase satisfaction with the relationship as a whole. If you are struggling and feeling unfulfilled with your sex life, please contact us at 908-246-3074 , or email us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? Schedule an individual appointment for yourself. Good things can happen in a relationship even when only one person is in therapy. Remember: we help couples AND individuals to improve their relationships.

Solving The Most Common Relationship Issues: We Argue Over Every Little Thing

September 30, 2019 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Does this scenario sound familiar in your relationship–you and your partner are having a great time spending quality time together on a rare kid-free day. You begin talking about how the kids are doing in school and suddenly you begin disagreeing about how to handle a situation that arose with a teacher. The disagreement escalates, and before you know it, there are raised voices, angry words and a perfectly good day feels ruined. Do you feel that you and your partner are stuck in this pattern of constant arguing and bickering-even over things that feel minor?

Contrary to what may be popular belief, arguing is not a bad thing. Actually, as a couples counselor, it raises a red flag to me when a couple will tell me “We never fight.” That may let me know that the couple is avoiding discussing any conflict or differences due to fear of those discussions escalating into fights. Conflict is a natural part of every relationship. When you have two people with different backgrounds, perspectives and personalities trying to navigate through the many hurdles of a relationship, of course there will be conflict along the way. And these conflicts will likely lead to arguments at times. So, the arguing itself is not the problem; but the WAY you argue and manage your conflict may be!

If you find your relationship is plagued with constant bickering, here are some tips that may help in managing the conflict.

Share opinions respectfully-You likely will disagree on a lot of subjects and that is okay. Share your “side” in a way that doesn’t indicate blame or attack. Use “I” statements to focus on your thoughts and feelings on the subject. It may seem like a minor difference but beginning with the word “you” will automatically feel like attack towards your partner. Think of the difference in the way this sentence would be heard and perceived: “You are so lazy. Why can’t you load the dishwasher correctly!” VS. “I would find it helpful if the silverware was loaded facing out so they don’t need to be rewashed.”
Stay focused on the present subject-How often do you and your partner start out arguing about one subject, and suddenly you are each bringing up grievances from long ago? It is common to want to use what we perceive as past mistakes for “evidence”, and suddenly we are arguing about something that happened years ago. The problem with this is people cannot effectively resolve several issues in one discussion. Limit your talk to just one occurrence or item.
Don’t try to WIN- In other words, allow for the possibility that you may still disagree. Instead, the goal should be increased understanding of your partner and and vise versa. Not every problem is solvable and that is okay! While there may be some conflicts that require an ultimate resolution, many of our day to day conflicts will never be resolved. Instead of arguing to “win”, work to give your opinions and feelings in as calm and neutral manner as you can. When listening, be curious about your partner’s opinions and feelings. This skill sets the two of you up as not adversaries, but allies working to find a commonality. This skill, employed consistently, increases the likelihood of coming to a solution you both feel okay about.
Acceptance-In the end, accepting that our partner is a different person than us is crucial to managing any conflict. The two of you grew up in different families with different rules of engagement and maybe different values. At its most mature level, love is accepting another human, as is – faults and all.

Managing conflict can be one of the toughest challenges in a relationship, but learning these skills can allow you to do so in an effective way that helps bring you even closer to your partner! For more information or help with these skills, please contact us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or at 908-246-3074.

Solving the Most Common Relationship Issues: My Partner Doesn’t Emotionally Support Me

July 18, 2019 by admin in Emotions, Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Does this situation sound familiar to you? You have a terrible day at work, which includes making a mistake your boss noticed and having a disagreement with a co-worker. You come home feeling exhausted, frustrated, and concerned about your job security. You can’t wait to talk to your partner about your bad day so they can make you feel better. But as you relay your experience, you are met with “you’re just overreacting and feeling worried for nothing. Stop being crazy, it will be fine.” If this experience sounds familiar, you aren’t alone. Many couples are struggling to meet their partner’s emotional needs. Often, it isn’t coming from a place of bad intentions, but rather lack of knowledge.

Think about what we learn about emotions from our culture. People are expected to be one of two things-neutral or happy of course! But the reality is, as humans, we can all feel a wide spectrum of emotions -sadness, fear, disappointment , frustration…just to name a few. It can be hard to see someone we love feeling these difficult emotions. We want our partner to be happy. How can couples respond in a way that’s emotionally supportive?

-Moderate Your Own Emotions-While we want our partner to support us, as mature adults we are responsible for managing our own emotions. If you are feeling highly escalated, think about some ways you can bring yourself back down to a calmer place before approaching your partner. Take a walk, listen to some soothing music, pet the dog-whatever activity helps deescalate you. Once you are feeling calmer, you will be in a better place to seek the support you need from your partner.

-Be clear with your needs-It’s easy to feel confused at times about what exactly your partner needs from you when they vent about their emotions. I know in my marriage there are times when I simply want to “vent” without any advice from my partner, but there are times I am seeking his advice. When I became frustrated with him for doing the wrong thing, he once said to me “well how am I supposed to know if this is one of the times you just need to vent?” Great question! Let your partner know how exactly they can emotionally support you. Be clear in your communication with phrases like “I just want someone to give me a hug and tell me they’re sorry I’m feeling sad.”

-Validate each other-The skill of validation is a tough one, but one of the most important ones you will use in a healthy relationship. Validation is simply saying to someone “you make sense to me.” Often, we do the opposite. We invalidate each other’s feelings with statements like “you are just being crazy” or “you worry too much”. This happens because we wouldn’t feel that way if we were in that situation. But validation does not equal agreement! While you may not feel that emotion in that particular situation, that doesn’t mean it isn’t a valid emotion for your partner. Knowing that your partner has their own lens with which they view the world, try to understand that they have a different perspective and are entitled to their own feelings. The more you can validate your partner, the more likely your partner is to feel emotionally supported (and the more likely you are to receive it in return).

Learning how to be an emotionally supportive partner and learning how to seek the support you need are crucial skills for staying connected to your partner! For more information, or help with these skills, contact us for an appointment at 908-246-3074 or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Solving the Most Common Relationship Issues: Differing Methods for Child Rearing

June 3, 2019 by admin in Family, Relationships | Comments Off

How do we discipline our 2-year old when he’s having a temper tantrum in the middle of the store? Do we let our middle schooler have the cell phone she’s been begging us for? How do we handle our teenager who wants to be allowed to go to parties and get in cars with people we’ve never met? These questions are tough enough to answer when raising children, but can be even tougher when you and your spouse can’t agree on the answer! Although we tend to look for a partner who shares similar core values and beliefs, consider that a relationship consists of two different people from two different backgrounds. That can lead to some vastly different approaches when it comes to child rearing. So, how can you work together and make countless decisions without arguments, recriminations and resentments?

Respect each other: It can be hard to really listen to your partner’s opinions when they don’t match your own. However, remember that your partner is NOT a mirror image of you. As strongly as you feel about doing “A”, your partner may feel equally as strong about doing “B”, and have just as many valid reasons. You don’t have to agree, but have respect for your partner as a different person with a different personality than you, a different history and maybe a different culture/religion. Respecting each other will go a long way in smoothing out this common relationship issue.

Listen, listen and listen some more: When your partner is talking about their opinion, be curious and try to cross into their worldview. You might ask clarifying questions. What are the feelings behind their thought? For example, it may be easy to see your partner is angry when they are demanding you punish your child for going to a party they weren’t supposed to attend. But be inquisitive about what else they may be feeling. Perhaps they felt fear that something could have gone wrong. Gaining better insight and understanding into your partner’s feelings will always be helpful in navigating differing ways of child rearing.

Try for compromise: Go for a solution you both feel at least okay with. To get there: both people can identify what they are inflexible about and where there is room for flexibility. Let’s look at an example: your partner feels it is very important for your pre teen to have a cell phone so they can be more social and be able to “fit in” with their friends. But you are strongly against it, believing the use of cell phones only contributes to more problems with friends. If each of you made a list of areas of flexibility and inflexibility perhaps a fair compromise is that your child gets the phone, but is limited to times they are allowed to use it, as well as limits on social media use.

Take it deeper: Often we have a strong opinion when a topic reminds us of our own childhood experience. Be curious about your own history with this item and tell your partner what this reminds you of, good or bad. For example: your partner forbids your teen from using any kind of profanity but you’re more forgiving. When you think back to your childhood, perhaps you were called a prude for following the rules. You think that if your child breaks a social norm once in a while, they’ll be more accepted by peers and this is part of the reason you’re okay with occasional swearing.

Raising children is one of the most challenging jobs we can have, but also the most important to work together on. If you feel your relationship needs help meeting this challenge, contact us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or call 908-246-3074 to schedule an appointment.

The Professional Couple

March 28, 2019 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Therapist | Comments Off

Have you ever wondered: Will therapy work for me? Can our issues be helped with counseling? We’re going to focus on two types of clients who get A LOT out of working with us: the professional couple and the professional ‘single’.

Do you see yourself in the professional couple?

-One or both of you have a strong career(s)

-Your children are high achievers

-Your active with friends, neighbors or at their club

-You have a beautiful home

-Things look ‘perfect’ from the outside, but behind closed doors there is tension or distance

Perhaps others see you as “having it all”, with work success, a lot of friends, nice vacations and wonderful children. But behind closed doors tend to be a different story. As a couple, you are distant from one another, constantly arguing or alternating between the two. Maybe you’ve thought about divorce or developed a “too close” relationship with another person. Perhaps one or both of you lay awake with anxiety. You wonder why, if you have ‘everything’, are you still unhappy?

Very often, you may begin to realize that while you’ve have been putting a lot of time and effort into other things- careers, families or even your social lives-you have stopped making your relationship a priority. The distance that’s evolved between you and your partner wasn’t intentional. You did love one another very much at one time and maybe one or both can still feel that love between you from time to time.

In working with us, you will learn to resolve differences in a healthy way, to renew love and intimacy, and to enjoy each other’s company once again. The result is a relationship with more connection, more and better sex, and a deeper, stronger friendship. Equally important, if you have children, they are now growing up in a happier, healthier home.

If you can relate to some of the struggles of these types of clients, or are interested in achieving some of these results, email us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com , or call us at (908) 246-3074 to schedule an appointment. Don’t fit these descriptions exactly, that’s fine. We do a phone chat prior to scheduling to determine how we can be of service.

8 Demands on Marriage That Contribute to Divorce

February 25, 2019 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Might you have unrealistic expectations for your relationship that are leaving you feeling disappointed in your partner? In general in our culture, we have the expectation that our marriage should meet a wide variety of our needs. Think about the messages we are consistently exposed to whether they come from television shows, romantic novels or what we see from other people on social media. There are eight needs that we are continually expecting our partners to meet. Consider that we are told our partners should…

be our best friend
be a good financial provider
participate in household responsibilities like cooking and cleaning
be a good parent
support us in pursuit of our goals
be our romantic partner
be our erotic partner
be a source of security and stability.

That is a tall order! Believing that any one person can fulfill all those needs for us is a recipe for disappointment! Having these expectations is often leaving us let down by our partners when they fail to meet all these needs. It even leads to thinking that the grass is greener if we move on to another relationship with a ‘better partner’.

Think back to what you may heard about why people married generations ago. People may have married to join two families and make a political alliance. People may have married a partner who was a good worker and knew they would run the family business or family farm well together. People married to procreate. They certainly didn’t expect their partner would meet all these eight needs.

With this information about expectations, ask yourself two questions.

First, how can you accept your partner as is? How can you accept them knowing they have certain strengths, but also certain weaknesses?

Secondly, how can you strengthen your network and your support system around you so that you do have these various eight needs met, but without unrealistically demanding them from any one person?

We hope asking yourself these questions will challenge you to think differently about your marriage. If you would like help thinking differently about your marriage, call us at 908-246-3074, or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment with one of our relationship experts.

It IS Possible to Heal After an Affair!

December 12, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Have you ever heard someone declare “If my partner ever had an affair, our relationship would be over. I would be done!”? Although that’s easy to say, in reality, if you are the one in that situation, it is a lot more complicated, especially if there are children involved. At Couples Therapy Center of NJ, we help couples to figure out if repair and healing is even possible.

When there’s been infidelity, it’s our job to get them through the initial intensity of the revelation and to evaluate whether this relationship is salvageable. We use a three step approach that focuses first on the present, second on the past, and third on the future:

We help the couple deal with intense emotions that they are feeling in the present. An affair brings on many difficult emotions in the relationship, including rage, grief, confusion, guilt and shame. Navigating these intense emotions is an important step in stabilizing the relationship. Stabilization is critical in order for the couple to move to the next step.
We guide couples in looking at the history of the relationship. The purpose is to examine, and learn from, what may have led up to the affair. In this stage, couples make amends and begin healing this huge rupture. If both partners are willing to acknowledge their contributions to the relationship, they can actually grow from this painful experience. It’s not our job to point fingers and lay blame. Instead, we help the couple take ownership of their past behaviors which, in turn, shines a light on what needs to be different going forward.
We focus couples on the future. With our tools and techniques, they co-create a better and stronger relationship. Both partners work on what they need to do differently to rebuild trust and closeness. Often couples who come to our office will say “We just want to go back to the way things were.” Our response is that we would like to help them go forward and not backwards because something about your past lead to the infidelity. We seek to change the dysfunctional pieces together so trust is rebuilt and this never happens again.

It is possible to heal after an affair, and we have helped many couples through this process and onto a better, stronger relationship. Plus, these couples have been able to spare their kids from a painful divorce. If you’d like our help, call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to set an appointment with one of our relationship experts.

I Don’t Just Want a Therapist-I Want an Effective Therapist!

October 21, 2018 by admin in Relationships | Comments Off

Perhaps you’re looking for a therapist to work with. But how do you know who is good? As in all fields, therapists have a range of ability and capabilities. How do you know, as the person calling, who is effective or who has specific training and focus? Today we are providing two tips to help with the process. First, look for a therapist who uses an evidenced based approach, which mean the theory they follow has been thoroughly researched and shown to be effective with the populations served. For example, here at our center we use the Gottman method, which is backed by decades of research by John & Julia Gottman to be effective with working with couples. The other method we use is EMDR, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. and that method too has decades of research, showing its effectiveness healing people with trauma or intense loss or grief in their past.

The second thing to look for and ask about – is this therapist committed to honing their skill in one or two specific areas of specialty? Above and beyond our master’s degrees, therapists are required to get continuing education units each year, and they can choose to focus all those units on one specialty. You want a therapist who has really homed in on, and studied thoroughly, and has a lot of training and practice on one or maybe two area of specialty. I would caution you to be hesitant when a therapists list 6 or 8 specialties. Two at the most are what a therapist can become very skilled in. Ask them- do you have a certification to work with a specific type of client or use a specific type of therapy to treat a certain problem.

These are the two things to look for and ask about when searching for a therapist-are they using an evidence based approach and does that therapist have additional education, maybe even a certification to work with the problems that you are needing help with. We hope this is helpful and good luck with your search to connect with a therapist!

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