Relationships Are SO DIFFICULT At Times: Does It Mean We Chose The Wrong Partner?

At times, your marriage brings joy and fulfillment. At other times, it can be full of frustration, conflict or boredom. During these difficult times, you may wonder, “Is this all there is?” or “Why is this so hard?” These thoughts or feelings can be especially discouraging when you compare this to a time earlier in your relationship when things felt wonderful. Rest assured – there is more to marriage. In fact, through these conflicts and difficult times you can grow to experience a hidden reward of marriage: it can help you grow into your whole self. That’s right; one reward of your unique partnership is that it can actually help you grow as an individual.

The early euphoria of the relationship, and the times of conflict in marriage, are often rooted in the same thing – aspects of our true selves that were lost to us during childhood. With our partner’s help we can recognize and recapture these lost qualities, grow as individuals and strengthen our marriage. Using the principles of Imago Relationship Therapy, we will begin by briefly describing how what we learn in childhood affects our marriage.
When we are born, our spirit becomes housed in our body. And our body has four ways of expressing our spirit to others: thinking, sensing (our bodily senses), feeling, and acting (moving our body and taking action). One duty of parenting is to help children develop all four of these areas of expression. A parent does this by noticing and encouraging a child to express him/her self by thinking, sensing, feeling, and acting. Unfortunately, many parents directly or indirectly discourage their child’s expression in one or more of these areas. When this happens repeatedly, these forms of expression can become lost to us. Each of us still has the capacity to think, sense, feel, and act, however, as children we may have learned that it’s not OK to express ourselves that way. We may have only developed the parts that our parents encouraged us to.

In adulthood, we become involved in committed relationships. During the first stage, the Romantic Stage, we feel wonderful, we feel loved, and we feel loving. Some of this attraction is because the other person has access to the parts of ourselves that are lost to us (and vice versa). For example, one partner may love the fact that his wife takes action and is accomplished because his “acting” is all or partially lost to him. At the same time, the wife may love that her husband is intellectual because her “thinking” is all or partially lost to her. Men and women in the early stages of love sometimes say, “He/she completes me”. This is because when we’re with our new partner, we have access to all four ways of expressing ourselves again. It is safe to experience thinking, sensing, feeling, and acting.

During the second stage of the relationship, the Power Struggle, conflicts enter our relationship and we feel hurt. We wonder, “What happened? Things used to feel so great.” We then revert back to what we learned in childhood: only using those parts which were approved of. In addition, we disapprove of our partner for using the means of expression that have been lost to us. Since using those forms of expression resulted in disapproval when we were children, we now disapprove of others who use them. As a result, you now hate the very thing that you used to love about him/her.

A committed relationship provides you with a unique opportunity to grow into your whole self. Your partner is inviting you (unwittingly) to regain the parts of yourself that were lost to you. First, your partner notices what is lost to you. He or she often presents it in a negative way. For example, when your partner may mutter, “Why are you so ditsy?”, he is noticing that “thinking” is lost to you. Your partner can also be the one to show you how to develop it. In this example, your partner may carefully think things through. He can be a model for how you can grow this lost part. Although no one likes to have shortcomings pointed out to them, these situations are actually opportunities to grow into an individual who is effective at using all four means of expression.

You may notice that your partner has already helped you grow as an individual. You may also notice that some areas have been more challenging for you or are hot buttons in your relationship. We are trained in helping individuals identify their lost parts, overcome obstacles, and grow into wholeness. Our therapists are skilled in assisting couples as they talk this out together in order to turn conflict into a growth opportunity.

Remember, your marriage is an opportunity for you to grow into all four ways of expressing your self and to be whole again.

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.