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We Are Here to Help

March 28, 2020 by admin in Relationships | Comments Off on We Are Here to Help

During the COVID-19 pandemic, we are thinking of you and your families.

As a nation, we have been ‘Overcome By Events’ including:

·         Adjusting to a temporary new normal

·         A loss of our usual stress relievers:  going to the gym, spending time with friends, worshiping together

·         Being with family 24/7 without breaks

·         Parents helping kids with online schoolwork

·         Parents helping kids with their feelings and worries and smaller losses (i.e. not being able to play with friends)

·         Concern for our aging loved ones and those with health issues

·         Heartache for the elderly who we can’t visit

·         Sadness and deep concern those who have become ill

·         Our jobs being cut back or eliminated

For many, the pandemic is bringing out feelings of worry and fear.  Together with the above-mentioned events, the stage is set for couples to have a higher level of conflict. They may likely engage in arguments over small things, misinterpretations, intense verbal conflicts, and at worst, escalating to physical fights (my grocery store now has a security guard at check out). Couples may have less time to connect with one another due to disrupted routines and children home all day.

There is something you and your partner CAN do right now to help you both feel better. Share with each other the things you DO have that you are grateful for, such as:

·         Gratefulness for our own health

·         Tremendous gratitude for our ‘front line’ workers such as (but not limited to) those working in healthcare, sanitation, shipping, Fire and Police, scientists making tests and working on a cure, food warehouses and grocery stores, gas stations…the list goes on

·         Happy to have our loved ones safe and close

·         Thankful to live in the technological age where many of us can work remotely, do a teleconference with our therapist, and video chat with loved ones far away

·         Grateful to have phones to stay in touch with and basic utilities such as water and power

Please reach out to us at 908-246-3074, or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com  if you need help, either as a couple or an individual.  If needed, we will adjust our fees and some insurance companies are waiving the member’s co-payment.  We are thinking of you and here for you during this challenging time.

 

You Want It? You’ve Got It! Learn How To Ask For The Things You Want

January 2, 2014 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Most people are good at complaining and making negative comments about the things they aren’t happy with. It’s so easy to nag, pressure, nitpick and criticize. The critical comments roll off our tongues so easily. We often make them without giving them a second thought. Think about it – how many times have you voiced a complaint out of frustration? How often have you grumbled a comment at your spouse or partner like, “You’re never home?” When you stop and think about it, will that comment make your spouse want to be home more often? Most likely it will not. Asking for what you want in a different way can have dramatically different results – and just might get you the things you are hoping for.

Perhaps we don’t realize that our critical comments won’t get us what we really want. In fact, negative comments, complaints and criticisms are likely to cause arguments and drive our partners further away. How can we change the way we handle these situations so that we get the results we want?

Learn to ask for things effectively. There are three simple steps.

  1. Identify exactly, specifically what you want. (For example, instead of focusing on the fact that your spouse is never home, think of a time you’d like him or her to be home – perhaps for dinner together on Wednesday nights.)
  2. Keep the request brief.
  3. Put it into words so that your spouse is much more likely to oblige. Asking kindly is far more likely to be successful than making an insistent demand would be.

You’ll find that asking for what you want in this simple and direct manner will have wonderful results. Your comments will no longer become a point of contention or cause an argument. Instead, you’ll find that when you stop criticizing and complaining and ask specifically for what you want that you will be far more likely to get it.

Many clients I’ve worked with in the past have found this to be very powerful in areas of their lives where they used to feel powerless. Now they know what they want and can verbalize it. I’ve had clients tell me they’re amazed that now that they ask for things differently from their spouses, their spouses give them much more of what they want. In fact, one of my clients wrote in a testimonial on my website: “I can’t believe it was this easy all along, I just had to ask differently!”

Of course using these three simple steps to ask for what you want is not a magic spell. There will still be times when your spouse says, “no.” Even so, your relationship will benefit. Instead of becoming an argument or cold war, you can both move on. In cases where your spouse won’t or can’t do or give the things you are asking of him/her find a healthy way to get that need met elsewhere.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center, call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com and use our online scheduler to find an appointment right now.

Getting What You Want: How Asking the Right Way Can Help You Get It

December 4, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Most people are good at complaining and making negative comments about the things they aren’t happy with. It’s so easy to nag, pressure, nitpick and criticize. The critical comments roll off our tongues so easily; we often make them without giving them a second thought. Think about it – how many times have you voiced a complaint out of frustration? How often have you grumbled a comment at your spouse or partner like, “You’re never home?” When you stop and think about it, will that comment make your spouse want to be home more often? Most likely it will not. Asking for what you want in a different way can have dramatically different results – and just might get you the things you are hoping for.

Perhaps we don’t realize that our critical comments won’t get us what we really want. In fact, negative comments, complaints and criticisms are likely to cause arguments and drive our partners further away. How can we change the way we handle these situations so that we get the results we want?

Learn to ask for things effectively. There are three simple steps.

  1. Identify exactly, specifically what you want. (For example, instead of focusing on the fact that your spouse is never home, think of a time you’d like him or her to be home – perhaps for dinner together on Wednesday nights.)
  2. Keep the request brief.
  3. Put it into words so that your spouse is much more likely to oblige. Asking kindly is far more likely to be successful than making an insistent demand would be.

You’ll find that asking for what you want in this simple and direct manner will have wonderful results. Your comments will no longer become a point of contention or cause an argument. Instead, you’ll find that when you stop criticizing and complaining and ask specifically for what you want that you will be far more likely to get it.

Many clients I’ve worked with in the past have found this to be very powerful in areas of their lives where they used to feel powerless. Now they know what they want and can verbalize it. I’ve had clients tell me they’re amazed that now that they ask for things differently from their spouses, their spouses give them much more of what they want. In fact, one of my clients wrote in a testimonial on my website: “I can’t believe it was this easy all along, I just had to ask differently!”

Of course using these three simple steps to ask for what you want is not a magic spell. There will still be times when your spouse says, “no.” Even so, your relationship will benefit. Instead of becoming an argument or cold war, you can both move on. In cases where your spouse won’t or can’t do or give the things you are asking of him/her find a healthy way to get that need met elsewhere.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center, call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com and use our online scheduler to find an appointment right now.

What Makes Your Therapist Tick?

April 11, 2011 by admin in Therapist | Leave a comment

When people learn that I’m a therapist, they often ask me how I can spend all day listening to other people’s problems.  Many people imagine that my job is very difficult and draining.  For some people it might be, but it’s not that way for me.  I do this job because I love it.  I was drawn to doing this type of work and it’s perfect for me.

Why?  Because I notice people and their relationships.  I can feel what they’re feeling.  I can feel their painful feelings and I know how to help them feel better . I may be in a restaurant and notice a couple at another table who haven’t said more than two words to each other the whole meal.  I can see the discouragement and disconnection on their faces.  The passion and excitement is gone and I feel for them. Read More

Stopping Triangulation: How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Involving a Third Person in Your Problems

February 9, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Most of my clients have some kind of challenge in their relationships with others. The struggle may be with a spouse, a friend, a family member, a co-worker, a child, a neighbor, or a landlord. No matter who the struggle is with, we often discuss what someone else said or did and how my client felt hurt or angry about it during our sessions. When we dig deeper, many times I find that a big part of the problem is triangulation. Triangulation is when a third person gets involved in a conflict. It might feel good temporarily, but it will hurt you in the long run.

Think of an imaginary triangle of three people. An issue may come up between two of them: maybe something one person said or did that upset the other. Triangulation occurs when one of the two individuals involved in the issue ‘invites’ a third person into the debate or argument. By ‘invite’ I mean talks to the third person about the individual they have the issue with or talks about the issue itself. The original issue has little or nothing to do with the third person! The problem here is when we use this as a way to vent our feelings. Read More

What Was THAT All About?! Why Your Partner is Freaking Out Over Nothing and What You Can Do About It

August 10, 2010 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

Being upsetHave you ever seen someone have a very strong reaction to something that seems minor?  From your perspective, you’re wondering what the big deal is.  Why are they getting so upset?
Of course, this happens all the time in marriage and other intimate relationships.  We see our spouse “freak out” over something small.  Often, we don’t even know what triggered their anger or upset.  When one partner witnesses the other get upset about something that seems trivial, it can be very confusing.  Many times, people in my office will tell me that their partner got very upset – and they had no idea why. Read More