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Inspire Your Kids To Love The Sports You Love

November 21, 2014 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Families loving sportsWhen we first had children, we wanted to get them involved with skiing, but wondered how we could pass our love of the sport along to them. After all, how do you explain to any beginner that spending most of the day trying (with some, but not much, success) will indeed pay off when they’re experts? How do you explain to them that this learning process will take not just days or weeks but years to master?  How do you convince them that the fun and excitement to be had will make them feel fully alive like nothing else on Earth?  There are several key concepts that can help you encourage your children to love what you love and they can be applied to any sport, hobby or whatever you are passionate about.  Here, we’re using skiing as an example, but these same concepts can be used to help share YOUR passion with your children.  Here’s how to inspire children…

 

#1 – Make it fun.  Your children are beginners and don’t yet know the fun that awaits them up on top of the mountain.  We need to make the shuffling on flat beginner terrain – actually the whole experience- fun for them.  If that includes time spent climbing piles of snow outside the lodge and then sliding down on cafeteria trays, let them.  True, the cost per run ratio is pretty poor at that moment, but you are allowing them to find joy in simply being on the hill.  It will come, in good time, that they’ll find as much joy actually doing the sport.  At this early stage, shoot for a fun experience.

 

#2 – Have patience and understanding for your child’s developmental stage.  Starting around age 18 months, children are working on exploring their world.  Their task at this stage is trying something, maybe succeeding or failing, looking for whether you are around and paying attention, and then trying again.  Expect any new activity to be touch and go.  Their behavior will not be goal directed: they are simply exploring and curious about what the outcome may be. You may plan to get a certain number of runs in, but for kids this age, that’s not where their brain is at.
Later, during early childhood, they want to emulate you.  Be the model for what you’d like them to become.  If you’re on a snowboard, don’t be surprised when they say they want to do that.  On the other hand, if you drop them off at the base lodge, then drive into town for a big breakfast and shopping, they’ll ask to go.  So, be aware of what you’re modeling for your kids because surely they’ll want to do that too.

 

One thing that is consistent throughout all developmental stages is their wish for your attention and approval, no matter whether they’re ‘succeeding’ or not.  Our children desperately want us to notice them and be pleased by their exploration and emulation of us.  Be ‘around’ for them, notice them, and delight in whichever developmental stage they’re at.

 

#3 – Watch your language.  I’m not talking about swearing.  Notice what you say about skiing, whether your comments be related to the gear, the weather, the traveling, the expense, or the terrain.  Kids listen to everything we say, even when it seems as if they’re not.  Over time, our way of thinking becomes theirs, especially at the younger ages.  The reason is that neuropathways are being created in a child’s developing brain.  When they hear, or see, the same behavior from us again and again, their brains ‘learn’ this way of thinking.  So, if we complain again and again about carrying all the heavy gear, eventually they will too.

 

#4 – No matter how technical your ability is, have a professional teach your kids.  This was a difficult one for us.  We’ve been skiing for years; we know how to carry our skis properly, stand up from falling, initiate turns, et cetera.  The expense of hiring someone else to teach what we were perfectly capable of teaching was a hard pill to swallow.  What we weren’t capable of doing was keeping our emotions under control.  Most kids act differently (read: better) for most anyone who is not their parent. Teaching our own loved ones can be exasperating.  One moment things are fine and next thing you know, you’re one of those parents you swore you’d never be: yelling at your kids on the slopes.  Now, no one’s having fun AND you’re paying for this whole miserable experience!  Delegate the teaching, no matter how proficient you are, to a neutral 3rd party instructor (who, by the way, is also an expert at dealing with young children’s antics.)

 

#5 – Go to places that cater to young children.  It’s not about you anymore.  We chose a smaller hill as our home mountain when we moved the family back East because of their excellent children’s programs, not because of the mountain’s acreage or vertical rise.

 

#6 – Connect your children with other kids doing the same activity.  It’s not realistic to think that any kid over the age of 8 would want to ski with their parents.  They’d rather be with friends (which is developmentally normal).  Whether you sign them up for ski school with their friend OR you find a season-long program where they ski with the same kids and the same coach every day, have them be with their peers.  Skiing, like most sports, is a social endeavor as much as an athletic one.  They’ll be so much more eager to go there when they have social connections on the hill.

 

You can inspire your children to love your sport or hobby as much as you do.  But it takes countless instances of you being understanding of their developmental needs and setting them up for success.  Becoming proficient at a new activity or hobby can take many years. When they develop a love for it, the reward will pay off for them for decades.  And, one day they will want to ski with you again -perhaps when they become parents themselves and can appreciate all the hard work and investment you gave to get them there.  And if you see them doing the same things for their own children that you once did for them, you’ll know that you did, indeed, inspire them.
Developing good relationships with your kids can be challenging, especially with all the pressures in today’s fast-paced world.  Maybe you’ve tried family counseling before with little to no results.  Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily.  The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help.   We are experts in building healthy relationships – of all types.  We serve families and adolescents in addition to couples.  Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment.  Most people wait months, even years, before coming in.  Instead, reach out to us to start making positive changes today.

Summer’s Coming: What Are You Going To Do With Your Kids??

April 27, 2012 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

The weather is warming up quickly.  Summer camp registration is well underway.  Before you know it, the pool will be open and it will be time for the beach, picnics and barbeques.  It won’t be long before your kids come home from school shouting, “School’s out for summer!!”

Do those words bring you a feeling of excitement and happy anticipation as thoughts of summer stretch out before you?  Or do they bring you a feeling of dread?

For many of us, knowing that we’ll have to help our young children and teens occupy the long days of summer can be daunting.  It can be a source of worry, stress and tension.  For the next two months, you will be expected to play the role of events coordinator to your children – who seem to feel entitled to fabulous vacations, extravagant daytrips, specialty camps, and movies – all arranged for and paid for by you!  Maybe you have a teen who needs to get a summer job and is dragging his/her feet.  Perhaps you dread the expected and all-too-common refrains of,  “I’m bored.  There’s nothing to do.  I don’t want to go outside.”  Then again, maybe it’s the inevitable bickering between siblings who are together all day that makes you cringe.

In addition to these unpleasant prospects, you’d like it if your children’s brains didn’t turn to mush over the 10 weeks of summer vacation.  How do you get them to read or practice some type of academics?  On top of that, you still have your own responsibilities.  How are you going to get your own work done?!  Is it possible for you to enjoy the summer with the kids home from school?

You CAN enjoy the summer with your kids.  It does take a healthy dose of planning and patience.  Try some of these ideas:

  • Invite your kids to try a hobby or sport that you enjoy, like golf or cycling.  Pick something that you can do together.  That way you’ll be having fun alongside your kids.
  • Make time for yourself to get things done AND to relax and recharge. Schedule dinner or drinks with friends, or perhaps a weekend away, to ensure you have time for both work and play.
  • Structure your days at home with the kids.  Set a routine so that you spend mornings reading together on the couch, make time to go to the pool after lunch every day, or take a regular evening walk after dinner.  The school year/day is highly structured and that works well for kids.  Make sure you implement some structure into your summer too.  That way the kids will know what to expect and will relax into the routine.
  • Hire help. Take advantage of neighborhood teens who are looking for extra income and have more time over the summer.  You can hire them at a moderate cost to provide temporary or long term childcare or household help.
  • Involve your kids in planning larger trips.  Research vacations, day trips or activities that are within your budget and then have each child choose one or more of their favorites and put it on the calendar.  Knowing that some bigger fun is planned can help kids get through the days at home.
  • Check community resources.  Many communities provide fun options that can be entertaining and economical when money is a concern.  Do you have a town pool?  Does the recreation department offer summer camp?  Perhaps your library has free programs for children.  How about the local churches?  You can enrich your child’s religious education by enrolling them in one or more vacation bible schools.
  • Swap with other parents. Set up a regular schedule or agreement where each parent takes a turn watching all the kids so the other parent(s) can have time to themselves.  Your kids will have built-in social time with playmates and you’ll have time to focus on your own tasks – or just relax!

To learn more about how to make summer fun for the whole family, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.

Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Focus on Family: How To Get Kids Motivated

April 3, 2012 by admin in Family | Leave a comment
  • It’s a beautiful spring day, but instead of spending it outside your child has been sitting in front of the TV for hours.
  • You know your child is smart but he/she only puts forth minimal effort and doesn’t seem to care about schoolwork and getting into college.
  • Getting your child to do his/her chores had become such a battle that lately you just do them yourself – it’s so much easier.

Focus on Family: How To Get Kids MotivatedYou’ve tried everything to motivate your kids but nothing seems to work. You’ve asked nicely, you’ve demanded, you’ve threatened and you’ve punished but it’s either the same old battle or you’ve just given up.

The good news here is that things CAN change. Kids can develop new ways of acting. Even habits that have been in place for years can be unlearned and replaced by new habits. Make no mistake, it takes a lot of patience, optimism, and commitment on the part of the parents, but the rewards are well worth it. In my personal experience, introducing something new in my household is initially met with resistance. It can take several weeks, months, or even up to a year before the new habit is in place and it can feel like a long haul until we get there. Often, we feel tired out; tired of working on it and tired of having to find energy and resolve especially when:

  • it’s late at night
  • we’re stressed about something else
  • the family is hungry or irritable
  • the adults could do it faster themselves.

We have to call forth strength to continue to help our kids get motivated, but it IS possible.

Positive reward motivates kids very effectively. Think about what motivates adults to go to work: the paycheck, the benefits, or the feelings of importance and contribution to the world. For each of us it’s different.

What would motivate your child to do what you ask? What does your child light up over? What have you seen your child go through substantial effort to get? Here are some possibilities:

  • use of electronics: TV, phone, computer, video games, texting
  • spending time together: doing the activity WITH YOU
  • time with friends
  • gifts: money, small trinkets/candy, large items that are earned over time
  • recognition and praise: words of acknowledgment, posting the achievement on the fridge or framing it for the living room wall

As your child’s needs and interests change, so will the things that motivate him/her. Keep your eye out for new motivators. Here are two that worked with my kids at different ages.

When my daughter asked for her first phone, it felt way too early for us to get her one. But then it dawned on us that this could be a major motivator. We agreed that if she got certain grades or above, we’d get her a phone. In order for her to keep it, she needed to maintain those grades. It worked: we found ourselves at the phone store two days after the first report card came home. She felt proud of what she had accomplished and we were relieved we no longer had to remind her to do her homework daily. It wasn’t a perfect fix (she still needs gentle reminders from time to time) but the battling has stopped.

My son is younger. We struggled to get him to be responsible with chores like making his bed, brushing his teeth, wiping the sink when he’s done, and scooping the cat litter. When we noticed that he was regularly asking us for cash to buy gum or soda – and he was stoked when we gave him as little as a dollar- we decided to tie the two together. When he did all his chores, he earned $1 that day. Because he was younger and needed a more immediate reward we chose something he got right away rather than something that would take him a few months to earn. At first his tasks weren’t done perfectly: making the bed looked more like pulling the covers up in a haphazard fashion! But we settled for that because we wanted him to get used to the new routine and feel successful. As he got older, we guided him to do a better job. And as he continues to get older, we add new tasks and increase the reward to match.

Another powerful motivator is the idea of doing tasks together. When your kids want your time and attention this works well. Begin by doing a task with them so it’s enjoyable rather than boring. If you want your child to:

  • get up from the TV and go outside, offer to play catch or take a walk with him.
  • read, go to a bookstore and choose a book you’ll BOTH read (aloud or concurrently) and then talk about it.
  • cook one dinner a week, start by choosing a recipe and cooking it together.

Over time, a new habit will form. You’ll be able to give your child more and more independence and the new behavior will become routine.

To learn more about how to motivate your child, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.

Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Focus on Family: Keeping Your Cool With The Kids

March 21, 2012 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Have you ever felt so frustrated at your kids that you’ve reacted in ways you NEVER thought you would? Have you done things like:

  • screamed your head off at them?
  • hit them and then felt terrible afterwards?
  • said things to them in anger that you didn’t really mean?
  • found yourself thinking, “This is not the kind of parent I ever thought I’d be?”

Keeping your coolIn today’s hectic world many parents are under a lot of stress and, as a result, there are times when they overreact to their children. Because we’re so close to those we love, our loved ones sometimes end up getting the bulk of our anger/discontent, even when they aren’t the cause of it. But you can learn to manage your emotions about life so that you don’t take things out on your kids.

It’s not uncommon for parents to be upset or preoccupied about one thing when something else the kids do or say pushes them over the edge.  It may be totally unrelated to what’s going on, but the next thing you know, your unsettled emotions are spilling over onto your kids.

Let’s say you’re stressed about work. You have an important project and the deadline is getting closer and closer.  Your boss is breathing down your neck and the client is putting more and more pressure on you.  You’re concerned and maxed out.  You come home and before you know it you are yelling at your teen for something he/she did. Many times it’s about something that started out relatively small, like your teen eating junk food before dinner or not turning off the TV when you tell her to.

In that moment, or later, you realize that you overreacted and took your emotions out on your child. You feel regretful and know that isn’t the kind of parent you want to be.  So, how do you become the loving parent that you’d like to be; the parent who is a fun companion when it’s appropriate and a caring disciplinarian when it’s needed?  You do this by becoming more aware of what’s going on inside yourself.  Turn your attention inward and become aware of what you’ve been feeling by asking yourself:

  • Am I overreacting to something relatively minor?
  • Am I preoccupied with a concern that’s unrelated to my kids?
  • What’s been on my mind, and in my heart, recently?
  • Was my child’s action or lack of action the final straw for me today?
  • How can I take care of my own needs so that I don’t take things out on my child/children?

As parents, it’s crucial that we be mindful of ourselves or we can end up inadvertently dumping our anger or stress out onto our kids. We need to make sure we’re not releasing emotion on them that’s really about something else. Our kids are going to do things that are irritating and bothersome. However, we can become more loving parents,by asking, “How can I do a better job of taking care of my needs so that I don’t take my own stress out on my child/children?”

In order to find out better ways to handle your emotions, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

The FIRST Step in Getting What You Want

May 9, 2011 by admin in Therapist | Leave a comment

When I first talk to clients about how to set goals I am always met with strange looks and disbelief.  The conversation usually begins with people telling me what’s not going well in their lives, what’s difficult for them, or what they have too much or too little of.  I always ask them, “What do you want instead?”  Often, just naming what they do want is a stretch for people.

I ask them to describe to me, being specific and using plenty of detail, what they want. I hear things like,  “I want to trust my spouse again.”  “ I want to land a great job.”  And “I want my kids to listen to me.”  We then take these statements and make them a lot more specific. Read More

Focus on Family: Allowing Children What They Need

November 11, 2010 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

girl with bunny

What do our kids really need to grow up to be healthy and successful?  There is a lot of pressure for kids to excel in school and at test taking, to join numerous extra-curricular activities, and from themes in the media to be advanced, and even sexy.  In the past, I’ve touched on some of the things children need, including love, attention, affection, to be heard, and to be disciplined with respect.  My focus now is on noticing what your kids are telling you they need. Read More