Archives for teenagers

Parenting in The Age of Social Media Frenzy

March 22, 2018 by admin in Family, Relationships, Teens, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Parenting in The Age of Social Media Frenzy

When young couples dream of having children, they dream about such things like holding their newborn infant for the first time, watching them take their first steps and experiencing countless moments of pure joy and love for a child they’ve created together. And while all those things do happen, the reality  we come to understand is that parenting is hard! And parenting in today’s world of technology is even harder! As a mother of four kids, I often find myself saying ‘I wish I was a parent years ago before phones and social media existed. It was probably so much easier.’ Of course, parenting in any generation came with its own set of issues, but the advent and influence technology and social media has on our children has certainly caused many extra layers of complexity as we raise our young children into pre-teens and especially through the rough  teenage years.  Let’s take a closer look at some of the pitfalls we can run into navigating our children through these social media times.

-“But mom everyone has a phone except me!”-It seems like the “appropriate” age to provide your child with a phone keeps getting younger and younger. So how do you determine when is it the right time to put the phone in your child’s hands? First, as difficult as it may be, try not be swayed by the ‘but everyone else has one’ argument. Generally, when kids make that statement, we realize their idea of everyone is likely to be skewed. No one knows your child better than you, so base your decision on them personally.  There is no right age and as parents, we have to be comfortable with the timing. It is also important to remember that allowing your kids to have a phone and allowing them to join social media sites can be two different things!  Consider…

  • Are they responsible enough to take care of a phone?
  • What are the needs they (and you) have that the phone would serve?
  • How would you guide them in making decisions on who to friend, who to accept, and what to post?

Understand the lure of the smartphone.  These devices are designed to get users addicted by offering variable reward.  Meaning, we don’t know if each time we check, there will be a new message or ‘friend’ for us.  Sometimes there is and this gives us a dopamine hit which feels good.  Other times, there isn’t.  It’s the possibility of ‘reward’ that keeps us coming back (adults too).  It is a powerful force and you will need to set consistent guidelines for its use.

-“I guess I wasn’t invited to Julia’s party that everyone is posting about”-Being an adolescent is hard enough with issues such as trying to fit in and make friends. Years ago, kids may have heard about a party they were left out of after the fact. But in today’s social media age, kids are seeing all social activities every other kid is doing on any given day. This provides a lot of opportunity for them to feel left out or bad about themselves, ultimately potentially affecting their self-esteem. As parents, it is important to teach our kids how to feel confident in themselves and not compare their social lives to anyone else’s or base their worth on how many followers they have. This is a tough lesson; after all, how many of us have seen a Facebook post about a night out that we weren’t included in and felt badly? We need to share the lessons we remind ourselves with our kids…

  • Focus on the friends you have
  • Not everyone gets invited to every event and how to accept that
  • One’s worth is not determined by how many (often superficial) online friends one has

– “I’ll put down the phone in a minute. I just want to send this Snap”-We have likely all read countless articles about how much time adolescents spend on their phones today, and how detrimental that can be. But how much time is too much? And how do we get our kids to actually enjoy other activities when the lure of social media is so huge? As with the “right” age, there is also no magical amount of screen time that is appropriate. Again, every child is different and you want to consider how much time is appropriate for your child. But, engaging them in other activities is certainly an important element in this dilemma. It’s hard enough to connect with our adolescents, but even harder when having to fight for their attention with the screen. So don’t hesitate to make certain activities technology free!  Consider…

  • Involving them in other (offline) activities
  • Establish phone-free times, such as mealtime
  • Make family movie nights – take turns who chooses the film and make special snacks for the occasion
  • Initiate in-person conversation with your kids (riding together in the car is a great time for this).

The technology won’t stop evolving, and parenting will always be hard! But with some focus on the rewards, we can all get to continue experiencing those daily moments of pure joy we dream about. If you need help with parenting in these tough times, please feel free to contact us at 908-246-3074 or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

My Teens Are Driving Me Crazy! And They Aren’t Even Mine: A Step Parent’s Frustration

March 16, 2017 by admin in Divorce, Family, Marriage, Relationships, Remarriage | Comments Off on My Teens Are Driving Me Crazy! And They Aren’t Even Mine: A Step Parent’s Frustration

“You’re not my real mother, so why should I listen to you?”
“I hate you! I wish my father NEVER EVEN MET YOU!”
“If it wasn’t for you, my parents would still be together.”
If you’re a step parent of teens, it’s likely you’ve heard statements like these at times. How can a (newly remarried) couple navigate the intense feelings of their teens while keeping their marriage healthy and strong? Working together as a team is always the first order of business, especially with teenagers whose job it is to test parental boundaries. But there are also helpful ways for the step parent to make the road smoother. If you are the step parent of a teenager, here are three tips to keep in mind:
Don’t take it personally
Teenagers, experiencing a multitude of changes in their bodies and raging hormones, are emotional creatures under any circumstances. They are likely experiencing many feelings around this time of change in their family, especially if they are still holding on to hope of their parents getting back together. While divorce is hard on children of all ages, if a divorce occurred when the child is older, they often have a harder time. It’s harder for them to accept that their parents won’t be together anymore and they may feel their family has been torn apart. It’s normal for children to have a deep-seated desire for their parents to ultimately get back together. This, then, makes it seems as if the step parent is the person getting in the way of their fantasy. As a step parent, you may end up being the target of their anger, betrayal, and other painful emotions. It can help to know that the painful emotions your step child is feeling likely has little to nothing to do with you personally.
Don’t attempt to compete with the biological parent
With younger children, there tends to be more of an acceptance of a step parent as long as you are loving and attentive. But with teenagers, this acceptance of a new parental figure in their lives doesn’t usually come easily and you can inadvertently end up ‘competing’ with the bio parent. If there is a good relationship with their other biological parent, chances are loyalty will be fierce. It is important to never say anything bad about your step child’s biological parent, as much as it may be tempting at times. If the relationship with your new partner and their ex isn’t so amicable, be sure to keep those conversations away from children at all times! They need to know and believe that their loyalty to their biological parent is absolutely okay. As the newcomer, try to remind children that you are never looking to replace their biological parent. To avoid seeming to compete with your partner’s ex, always respect the role the bio parent plays in the teen’s life. Another important way to stay away from a competing stance is by sharing big decisions and important information with the biological parent. For example, if your teenager gets in trouble in school, be sure to work with your partner AND THEIR EX to decide on how discipline will be handled. If your teenager sees that parenting is being done in conjunction with both of their biological parents, they will have a clearer understanding that you as the step parent are not trying to be a replacement parent.

Talk openly and honestly with your ‘new’ teenager
While getting teenagers to talk is generally challenging, they tend to appreciate when adults are able to be honest with them. While they are by no means your peer and the parent/child roles need to be reinforced, talking honestly with them about issues in the family will help. For example, if you as the step parent are struggling to relate to them or finding it hard to find a common interest, don’t be afraid to confide this struggle to them. Doing so will not only open avenues of communication, but will have the added bonus of letting them see that you are human and doing your best.

While being the step parent of an adolescent can bring its own unique set of challenges, some simple actions can go a long way in keeping peace in your blended family. These attitudes and actions can even help to get you on your way to a strong healthy relationship with your new stepchild. At Couples Therapy Center of NJ, we help remarried couples with parenting issues to develop healthy communication AND grow a strong, stable family. And if you can’t get your spouse to come in with you, that’s okay. We also see individual clients because good work on the marriage (and family) can take place even if we never meet your partner.