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How to Handle Different Parenting Styles: “I’m Tired of Always Being the Bad Guy”

January 19, 2017 by admin in Family, Marriage, Relationships | Leave a comment

Image result for images of parenting styles

 

 

 

 

One of you thinks spanking is necessary at times and the other thinks there’s never a justification to hit

One of you thinks kids need a good amount of discipline and the other thinks kids learn best in a loving environment

One of you thinks kids need to have chores and the other thinks kids should be allowed to be kids

One of you wants to track your child’s phone and the other thinks kids are trusted until proven wrong

If these disagreements in your relationship sound familiar, you aren’t alone. Many couples may hold similar values and morals, but simply have different parenting styles. Of course you and your child’s other parent are going to have different ideas – you were raised in different homes, maybe in a different city/culture/religion and definitely by different parents! While your personalities may mesh well in other aspects of your relationship, often simply having different personalities create very different types of parents, with different ideas of how strict or lenient children should be raised.

These differences can cause couples a lot of distress, where arguments abound and tensions run high. This is especially true if one parent is always feeling like they need to act as the disciplinarian or the ‘bad guy’.  Sometimes the other parent then becomes the ‘fun parent’.  Anger and resentment can easily build if this becomes a pattern.

The good news is that different parenting styles is not always a bad thing!  The good cop/bad cop routine can work well for couples at times, and often, a good balance can be found between a stricter parent and a more laid-back parent.  With some simple tips, you can find this healthy balance, and turn your different parenting styles into a positive for you and your family.

  • Develop the ability to carve out time to talk about these topics WHEN YOU ARE NOT PRESSED TO DECIDE AND AWAY FROM THE KIDS-To help eliminate the ‘bad guy’ and ‘fun parent’ roles, having these conversations away from the kids will allow you to come to an agreement on decisions and then present a united front.
  • Try to be flexible with your point of view-Get more information about healthy parenting from books, blogs, your child’s teachers/guidance counselors, and other reliable sources.  Share what you find with your partner without pressuring them to comply.  There isn’t only one right way to parent, and the more both partners can be flexible and open to trying different parenting techniques, the more likely you can be to strike a happy balance that both partners can live with.
  • Get into your own therapy- Spending time exploring the issues that being a parent may be triggering in you will be worthwhile. People bring their own upbringing and childhood into all aspects of their adult lives especially parenting, and you don’t want to blindly act out your issues on your kids. While the level of discipline that occurred in your household growing up may have worked well enough, that doesn’t mean it was optimal. Remember every child is also different and may not respond the same to different methods of discipline.
  • Begin couples therapy focusing on parenting- Couples counseling will give you a safe place for these discussions.  You will both gain an understanding of where the other’s views came from.  This leads to empathy and caring, which moves couples closer to each other.  It’s from this closer vantage point that parents feel more like partners.

You may find that with some work and time, your parenting differences will be a helpful thing for your partner- the strict parent may learn to loosen the reins just a little bit, and the laid-back parent may find that sometimes more discipline is necessary and appropriate. While you don’t always have to be on the same exact page on every discipline matter, seek to find a healthy balance.

 

If you have are having trouble with opposing parenting styles in your relationship, we can teach you how to implement these tips and have productive conversations about these issues. Call us at 908-246-3074, or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com. Doing it sooner rather than later could save your years of unnecessary hassle and make your current relationship stronger than ever.

Navigating the Blurred Lines of Step Parenting

November 15, 2016 by admin in Remarriage, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Navigating the Blurred Lines of Step Parenting

by Debby Derioan, Student-Therapist under the Supervision of Meredith Keller, LPC, ACS

Keeping your cool

 

Our culture has shown us only two possible extremes for being a step parent—effortless as in the Brady family from TV or torturous as in the wicked stepmother.  Who doesn’t recall The Brady Bunch—the iconic television example of the happy couple who easily blended their two families? Sure, they had some small problems along the way, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed in under a half hour. On the reverse side of that, fantasy in children’s fairy tales and movies portrays  the evil stepmother. Yet somewhere in the middle of these two extremes lies the reality.

The reality is: step parenting is hard, takes time, and the stresses can challenge even the strongest of relationships.  But, with a lot of love, compromise and communication, you can find the middle ground that will keep your relationship strong and your blended family together. So, how do we walk that fine line that represents the middle ground?

  • Make sure your expectations of step parenting are realistic.
  • Communicate with you partner and set your protectiveness to the side.
  • Be on the same team as your partner.

First, false expectations can set us up for disaster! Most of us dream about getting remarried and starting a new life with that false vision from TV. It is easy to think we will love a stepchild just as much as our biological children.  After all, we deeply love their parent.  And, of course, we hope and expect they will love us in return.

It is important to remember that developing a blended family is a slow progression.  Developing a relationship with a stepchild takes time as well and a good dose of patience. Remember that a biological parent begins their bond with their child from the day they enter the world, and regardless of the age of a stepchild, you are starting behind to build a relationship. In addition, loyalty issues children have toward their other biological parent that may inhibit them from wanting to get to close to you. Or perhaps there will be jealousy because they’ve had their parent to themselves for a while, and they feel threatened by having to now share him or her with someone else.  Heading into step parenting with realistic expectations of the time and patience it will take to develop a new family unit and a good relationship with your stepchildren will go a long way in easing the pressure you will likely feel for an instant love and bond.

Communication with your partner on this subject is crucial!  This subject can be especially touchy between partners. As parents, our instinct is to protect and defend our children. So often, this could lead to defensiveness when discussing discipline or a conflictual conversation with your partner regarding the children.  A conflictual conversation can then lead to the sense that the child is being prioritized over our partner. While our child needs will often come first, it is possible to balance that with our partner’s needs if it is being discussed with open and honest communication. Listening to understand is key. Feeling heard and understood can ease a lot of the defensiveness and allow for more constructive conversations about touchy topics.

Be on the same team and work together with your partner to navigate the difficulties you may run into in the day-to-day duties of step parenting. When it comes to parenting a stepchild, roles can be very fuzzy, not clearly discussed in advance, and not necessarily agreed upon.  For example, can a step parent feel comfortable with discipline if it’s not their biological child? Perhaps you and your partner want to divide roles following the rule ‘your child, you make the decisions and handle all discipline’; or perhaps you want to truly co-parent and both are responsible for all children regardless who is a biological parent and who is a step parent. There is no right or wrong answer, and each couple must decide what works best for them. The key is for you and your partner to be on the same page regarding roles and other aspects of parenting.  Be on the lookout for the tendency to automatically defend ‘your’ child and instead make every attempt to stay united with your partner.

It’s by being realistic, communicating, and parenting together that you’ll have the best chance of creating a healthy blended family.

If you are having trouble navigating the complexities of a blended family, we can help teach you strategies like these. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment.  Doing it sooner rather than later could save you years of unnecessary hassle and make your current relationship stronger than ever.

Infidelity: How Working Through it Can STRENGTHEN a Marriage

November 25, 2013 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

We think we should be strong enough to survive alone. Regarding
marriage, we think that if we are betrayed by an unfaithful partner, we should
leave. Well-meaning friends tend to tell the spouse who was betrayed, “You
should leave the bastard!” as if that’s the right, and only, response.

But, leaving immediately is a poor solution because…

1) It oversimplifies the issue. Anyone who has experienced
infidelity (and marriage) for themselves knows the choices are not so black or
white.

2) The ability to work through conflict is actually a higher level
skill than surviving on one’s own. It takes more maturity to resolve
issues than it does to escape them.

3) It indicates that the cheating partner is solely to blame,
ignoring all the tension and distance that led up to the affair. It places all
the responsibility for the affair on the partner who was unfaithful and implies
that the other person was an innocent victim. Although the partner who was
unfaithful DID MAKE bad choices and going through a rough patch in a marriage
doesn’t excuse actually having an affair, it’s highly unlikely that the
cheating partner is 100% the source of the problem.

When both partners work through the aftermath of an affair, it can
ultimately lead to a stronger marriage. A good recovery needs several
things to happen.

First, the couple needs to find a way to discuss their feelings about
what happened. The one cheated on needs to let their spouse know how
shocked, devastated, betrayed and angry they feel. Also, the cheater needs to
talk about their feelings about the marriage leading up to the affair.

This is very hard to do. Some couples scream, shout, or let
the spouse know in some other unproductive way how they are feeling. When this
happens, the feelings don’t get talked about in a way that allows the partner
to hear and take them in. That’s why, during this first stage of shock and
intense feelings, you need the support and help of a skilled couples
counselor like those here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey. A
good couples counselor will help both partners to get out what needs to be
expressed in a productive way. They will also help the other partner
to withstand this stage of intense feelings and find a way to have empathy for
their partner. Understanding and empathy for one
another are crucial to the repair process.

In the second stage, the couple explores what led up
to the infidelity. Affairs happen for numerous reasons and do not always
indicate that things were ‘bad’ in the marriage. They will look at
what was going on in their relationship, whether it was lack of connection,
hostility, having lost touch with oneself, falling into a role they believed
they needed to be in, or an unmet longing to feel desired, wanted, and
cherished. Couples need to ask, “What was occurring between us at that time?
How did we each contribute to the state of the marriage back then? How were we
each behaving that got in our own way of getting our needs met?”

Notice a very important shift here: from ‘you’ to ‘us’. A
knowledgeable couples therapist will lead the couple in exploring, not from a
place of blame and criticism but from a wish to learn from what has happened.
This will help the couple to honestly and maturely face what was going
on. This shift indicates a new perspective in the partners: The affair
happened to us. We were both involved in some way in this
unfolding, whether one partner was actively driving the other away with
negative behavior, being inactive in the relationship by not reaching out to
make things better, or if something else was going on. This shift is a
different way of saying, “something wasn’t right between us.” Often,
prior to an affair happening, the couple had tried numerous ways to make things
better but wasn’t successful. Then, one of them unconsciously upped the ante –
the affair raised the stakes. What they were trying wasn’t working so they
forced a change by committing the infidelity. In doing so, whether they knew it
or not, their relationship HAD to change then.

The third stage is all about creating a new relationship with your
‘old’ spouse. The two of you can’t go back to how things were before.
After all, that’s what lead to the infidelity in the first place. During this
third stage the sense of partnership, union, or ‘we’ is evident as the
couple discusses what needs to be different between them in order for them to
move forward together. Again, the counselor moves the couple away from
blaming the other (you need to change X) to help them jointly take
responsibility for the climate between them.

At this point, it’s also important that the relationship gets repaired
on a sexual level as well because the betrayal deeply impacted that
part of each spouse. A repaired sexual relationship is one in which each person
has asked him/herself, “What parts of my sexuality was I suppressing in my
marriage and could only experience with the ‘other’ person? How can I bring
more of my whole self into my sexual connection with my spouse?” Both partners find
the courage to express fantasies, alternate sides of personality, and
non-politically correct impulses in the marital sex. THAT takes real courage. Working
with an accepting therapist who knows that humans are complicated
beings with all sorts of deeper, shameful impulses that are okay to allow to
show up in a long-term union can help couples repair sexual
relationships and achieve this intimacy.

Although it can seem like it’s the ultimate betrayal, infidelity doesn’t have
to be a deal breaker. In fact, marriages can become stronger, leading
to new beginnings and deeper connections. Here at Couples
Therapy Center we can help.

To
learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call
908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.