Archives for angry

Save Yourself From An Argument On Your Next Vacation

June 2, 2015 by admin in Family, Relationships | Comments Off on Save Yourself From An Argument On Your Next Vacation

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Imagine: you and your partner have planned a trip to a great summer destination. You each pack your own bags, arrive together, and unpack when you get to your room. Your bag contains: books, boardgames, movies, candles, an eye mask, massage oil, and an assortment of teas. You’ve been looking forward to lazy days lounging around indoors so you can unwind on this trip. You look over as your partner unpacks her bag and can’t believe your eyes! Her bag contains: a snorkel, flippers, sport glasses, daypack, hiking boots, cycling shoes, shorts & helmet. What?!

Now your thoughts begin to run wild: “She isn’t planning on spending any time with me this trip. She prefers doing activities to being with me. She’s here to enjoy the locale, not to enjoy MY company. How could she not know we’re here to lounge and RELAX?!?” Maybe your partner’s thoughts begin to run wild as she can see what things you’ve packed. She may be telling herself: “She isn’t planning on spending any time with me this trip. She prefers lounging around to being with me. She’s here for R&R, not to enjoy MY company. How could she not know we’re here to have fun exploring TOGETHER?!?”

What can get generated by this stuff we’re telling ourselves? Feelings! Both partners may come to feel hurt, disappointed, concerned, sad, annoyed. And if there’s any similarity between this scenario and your childhood, this situation is being exacerbated by your history of past hurts. And all this on a vacation you’ve spent effort and money to make happen!

Not verbalizing what you’re thinking BEFOREHAND, gets couples in alot of trouble. In addition to the time it takes to plan your trip, book your flight, & arrange for the house to be taken care of, add in time to talk about your expectations. Touch on…

• When we first arrive, I want to…
• During the trip, I’d like to…
• It’s not a big deal to me if we don’t get to…
• My intention for this vacation is…
• How you and I can enjoy each other’s company is…
• I imagine how much time we’ll spend with others vs. by ourselves is…

A 30 minute conversation before you leave could save you from conflict, arguing, and hurt feelings when you’re there. It will allow for more time for what you’ve traveled for: to enjoy each other, to relax and/or feel excited, and to reconnect with yourself.

What Was THAT All About?! Why Your Partner is Freaking Out Over Nothing and What You Can Do About it

April 7, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

smallincidentstriggerHave you ever seen someone have a very strong reaction to something that seems minor? From your perspective, you’re wondering what the big deal is. Why are they getting so upset?

Of course, this happens all the time in marriages and other intimate relationships. We see our spouse “freak out” over something small. Often, we don’t even know what triggered their anger or upset. When one partner witnesses the other get upset about something that seems trivial, it can be very confusing. Many times, people in my office will tell me that their partner got very upset – and they had no idea why.

So, why ARE they getting so upset? It boils down to this – their apparent “overreaction” is actually 20% triggered by whatever just happened and 80% triggered by something from the upset person’s past. In other words, the incident that just occurred touched upon something deeper inside that person. It may have brought to the surface an old hurt that hasn’t been worked through fully. This old hurt could be something that happened earlier in the current relationship, during a former relationship, or during childhood. As gifted Imago Master Trainer, Maya Kollman M.A., taught me, “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”

This may help the witnessing partner to keep things in perspective. It’s likely that when you see someone very upset, her/his own past issue has been activated. Of course, the exception to this is if you did something to intentionally hurt your partner, or did something that was abusive, neglectful, or unacceptable to them. In these cases, the level of upset would be proportionate to the level of pain you inflicted and is quite different from what I’m discussing in this article. What I’m describing here are those times when a partner has intense reactions to minor events – where the reaction is way out of proportion to the actual incident.

So, how does knowing that the reaction may be rooted in the past help your relationship? What do you do when your partner is having a strong reaction to something that seems minor to you? Use the basic Imago tool of mirroring. With mirroring, you paraphrase your partner’s comments back to him/her. For example you would say, “I hear that you’re very angry that the dishwasher was loaded that way.” Mirroring is different from agreeing. Just because you reflect back what was said doesn’t mean you agree. OR, you may decide to acknowledge your 20% responsibility for the trigger by saying something like, “Yes, I did try to fit as much as I could in the dishwasher and the dishes didn’t come out clean.”  When dealing with a very upset person, the most important role you can take is that of a calm witness and understanding presence. Try to stay with them through their upset (unless they are attacking or shaming you).

Realizing that they are not just reacting to the dishes, but also to something from their past that hasn’t been resolved yet will help you to remain a calm witness for them. In this example, perhaps your partner grew up in a filthy house and hated that filth because they felt uncared for. Having dishes come out of the dishwasher dirty would touch upon that historical hurt and cause a major reaction to a minor incident. Keeping the historical perspective in mind will help you to stop taking things so personally and help you begin to understand your partner better. Knowing the reaction was triggered by something out of your partner’s past will help you to stay calm and mirror your partner’s words. In turn, your unruffled presence and mirroring will have a calming effect. This is one more way we can show love to our partner.

To schedule an appointment or to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Rules for Fair Fighting: How to Keep Your Head in the Middle of a Heated Argument

January 29, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

You’re seeing red. You’re in the middle of a heated argument with your spouse when the gloves come off:

  • Do things get ugly?
  • Are you screaming your head off?
  • Does the argument veer off the original topic until you’ve covered just about everything you’ve ever been upset about?
  • Do you follow your partner around the house because you just have to finish the discussion now?
  • Do you bring up the things you know will most hurt your partner?
  • Are you so angry that you forget the kids are within earshot OR right there witnessing the whole thing?

Our feelings ARE intense, particularly in the middle of an argument. Anger seems to take over, compelling us to do and say things we’d never say otherwise. When our emotions are in full swing it’s almost as if we can’t think straight. In fact, this isn’t far from the truth. When emotions fire from the most primitive part of our brain, the thinking functions of our logical neo-cortex are compromised. We go into fight or flight mode. The rational part of our brain no longer works in its full capacity and our cognitive skills aren’t fully functional.

Sometimes the rational side does peek through while all this is going on, even if it’s a fleeting thought such as:

  • I’m acting like a 3 year old!
  • I’ve lost control of myself.
  • What were we originally arguing about?
  • If anyone else knew I get like this, they’d be shocked.

It’s important to know that all partners get angry with each other at times. Anger is an intense emotion that is okay to feel, just like all of our emotions. However, we need to make a distinction between feeling anger and acting on it. All feelings are okay, but not all actions are.

In moments of anger, the adult in you must stop the three year-old in you from acting out. Since you want things to be different in your relationship, you must act differently. You must deliberately choose what to do and say, even when you’re enraged.

This is why we all need ground rules around fighting. This is even more important if you grew up seeing abusive or violent arguing. Here are the rules for fair fighting:

  • Don’t name call or curse. Talk about your anger directly. Say, “I’m enraged at you right now!”
  • Don’t leave or hang up abruptly.  Exit like an adult with, “I can’t talk about this right now. I’m too angry. I’ll be back in (give a time.)”
  • Don’t chase your partner around the house. Give him/her the space needed and talk about it later when you’re both calmer.
  • Don’t bring up all the other incidents you’re still upset about. Learn to say, “That’s a different topic for another discussion.”
  • Don’t let things get physical. Stay in control of your body and if that feels too hard to do, get yourself into anger management treatment.

And most importantly:

  • Start couples counseling so  you can both learn to discuss issues calmly.

Next time you’re in an argument, choose one rule to adhere to. You NEED to control yourself. That means finding FAIR ways to handle any anger between you and your partner. Remember: if you want your relationship to get better, you must begin to do things differently.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

 

Reactions: How Your Own Responses May be Adding To Your Relationship Troubles

November 7, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

When you’re upset, do you tend to pull yourself inside or express yourself outwardly? Do you clam up or rain down imaginary hail on everyone around you? Which is your ‘go to’ reaction? And, could your reactions be making things worse? What you say or do may be ADDING TO the conflict and REDUCING the passion in your relationship.

If you pull energy inward, you may…

  • become quiet or mumble
  • make your body smaller by cowering
  • move behind something
  • leave the room
  • appear unaffected
  • block out what you’re hearing
  • construct a protective shell

If you expand energy outward, you may…

  • get louder or shout
  • make your body larger by standing up
  • use big hand and arm gestures
  • pace or stomp around the room
  • have an urgent need to talk about the issue NOW
  • follow or chase your partner around the house to get things resolved

Whether people contain their reactions or react outwardly, it is often because INSIDE they’re upset, frustrated or any number of painful feelings such as hurt, fear, rejection, or jealousy. We often have painful feelings because one or more of our needs are going unmet.

Needs such as…

  • being heard and validated
  • being understood and empathized with
  • getting affection and sexual stimulation
  • feeling valued and important
  • being loved and cared for.

Now, think about it from your partner’s perspective: if your reactions are any of the above, you may, in fact, be interfering with getting your own needs met. Here are a few examples: It’s going to be extremely difficult for your partner to validate you when you’re screaming. It’s also going to be difficult for your partner to understand you if you’re not telling her/him what you’re upset about. It’s going to be difficult for your partner to reach out to be affectionate if you are stomping around the room. Likewise it’s going to be difficult for your partner to express caring if you’re blocking out what’s being said.

In other words, your reaction may be ADDING TO the conflict and REDUCING the passion in your relationship. You may be getting in your own way and preventing yourself from getting your needs met and therefore contributing to your relationship troubles! How can you avoid doing this?

Next time you feel yourself getting upset, try to step back and think. What’s upsetting you?
Is it a need you have that’s not getting met? Then take it to the next level by asking yourself: “Will my reaction help me get that need met or will it ensure the opposite – that I don’t get that need met?”

You CAN control your reaction to a large extent. If you normally react inwardly and keep a neutral expression, make sure your partner sees that you feel hurt. If you normally clam up or leave, make sure you speak up (in a non-attacking way) and let your partner know what you are feeling. If you normally react outwardly and become louder, larger or more intimidating, try to react in a less dramatic fashion, so that your partner hears you and gets your point. This will give your partner the chance to see your needs and meet them rather than pushing him/her away. Don’t let your own reactions increase the conflict and reduce the passion in your relationship. You can create a happy, loving relationship where your needs are being met.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center, call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com and use our online scheduler.

Improving Your Communication In 5 Simple Steps

July 10, 2012 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment
  • Do you find that many of your conversations quickly change direction?
  • Do you start out talking about one thing, and before you know it you are talking about something completely different?
  • Do your conversations tend to become emotional instead of logical?
  • Do you often end up feeling frustrated because you didn’t get what you wanted out of the exchange?

Improving Your Communication In 5 Simple StepsThis is normal. It’s not out of the ordinary for conversations to take sudden turns. It’s also not unusual for emotions to get involved without warning. Many times we begin a conversation thinking one thing and come away thinking another. And most of us have also come out of a conversation to find that we have committed to something we didn’t really want to do.

Conversations don’t have to be a mystery. They don’t have to end with you feeling unhappy, dissatisfied or frustrated with the outcome. You can increase your likelihood of getting what you want and need out of an exchange with these five simple, yet powerful tips.

That’s right, just five things! These simple steps can help you communicate more effectively. They will help keep your discussions on track, allow you to take into account what’s NOT being said, become more aware of yourself, and become more aware of the other person.

1. Define your goal/intention.

Do you want to:

  • persuade?
  • build trust and safety?
  • ask for something you want?
  • gain information?

Be clear on what you’re hoping to accomplish without being rigid. When conversations start to veer, stay on task by saying, “That’s a different subject. Let’s get back to…”

2. Notice non-verbal cues.

Much of our communication happens without words. Non-verbal signals account for 65% of what we communicate to others, tone of voice accounts for 30% and the words we speak, only 5%. Look for non-verbal evidence of annoyance or guardedness. Does the person you are speaking to have arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed, mouth frowning, or poor eye contact? Is there evidence of the opposite? Does the person have a soft, neutral face, open stance turned toward you or a smile?

3. Truly Listen.

Give the person who is speaking your undivided attention. In order to truly listen you must remain quiet, look at the speaker, and take in what they’re trying to say. You should NOT be multi-tasking or trying to formulate your next sentence. You will find that when you really listen, people will tell you about who they are as a person and how to connect with them.

4. Pay Attention to your Tone of Voice.

Become more aware of your own tone of voice and that of the person you are speaking with. If the person trails off at the end of the sentence, talks in a pressured, hurried way, or speaks very softly, he/she may be feeling unimportant. Is the tone of voice communicating unspoken anger? Is the tone of voice communicating caring and concern? Pay attention and it will give you a clue to how the other person is feeling.

5. Think Before You Speak.

Many, many people have gotten into BIG trouble by saying the first thing that came to mind. Slow down, especially if you’re nervous, tense or angry. Pause. Think first about what you really want to communicate before putting it into words.

Being aware of these five simple tips can make a huge difference in your conversations. But doing these five things on a regular basis takes insight and practice. We can help you with this. In fact, Couples Therapy Center has always taught clients to be more effective communicators because that enhances all relationships.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Yikes! Your Partner Is Angry With You: What Should You Do?

October 31, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

You’re making a conscious effort to be more and more mindful lately.  You’re noticing what’s going on in the present moment.  You’re paying closer attention to your partner and his/her cues.  Perhaps you are even making gentle observations about your partner’s behavior and asking him/her about it.  Being mindful can really go a long way towards changing old habits in your marriage.

But what’s next?  What do you do when your spouse is showing signs of upset on the outside AND tells you they are upset on the inside?  And what if his/her upset or anger is about you??

You may have been hoping your partner wasn’t angry with you.  Most of us want to sidestep conflict.  It’s uncomfortable.  Angry people are scary on some level. Read More