Archives for ask

You’re Ready for Couples Counseling: Now How Do You Ask Your Spouse?

January 15, 2014 by admin in Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

Have things been distant between you and your spouse for some time? Have you felt unhappy or stuck in the relationship? Are you finally ready to reach out to a professional rather than continue to stick your head in the sand, hoping things will magically improve? Are you ready to take that step BUT the thought of suggesting counseling to your partner fills you with dread?

We often hear from people who want to begin therapy but aren’t sure if their spouse is willing. Some don’t know how to approach their partner and as a result, stay stuck in the same unhappy or unhealthy patterns for far longer than they could have. Keep in mind, though that if you’ve been feeling distant and unhappy for some time, there’s a good chance that your partner has been feeling this distance as well. Perhaps he/she also longs for things to be different.

When approaching your partner about therapy, there are certain things you should be mindful of.

  • Be careful not to assume that he or she will say ‘no.’ In fact, your partner may be pleased to know that you are concerned and invested enough in the marriage to reach out for help. After all, the life you’ve built together is at stake.
  • Talk to your spouse about the fact that you want to improve things and you know that couples therapy is the place to start.
  • Don’t blame or criticize your partner for the issues. Make it clear that you realize you’ve BOTH unintentionally created this situation and it needs to get fixed now before it gets any worse.
  • If your spouse isn’t immediately agreeable to getting started, give him/her a little more time to get used to the idea. Sometimes a spouse needs to think about it before they’re ready to begin. In the meantime, keep communicating that you love him/her and want to make things better.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

You Want It? You’ve Got It! Learn How To Ask For The Things You Want

January 2, 2014 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Most people are good at complaining and making negative comments about the things they aren’t happy with. It’s so easy to nag, pressure, nitpick and criticize. The critical comments roll off our tongues so easily. We often make them without giving them a second thought. Think about it – how many times have you voiced a complaint out of frustration? How often have you grumbled a comment at your spouse or partner like, “You’re never home?” When you stop and think about it, will that comment make your spouse want to be home more often? Most likely it will not. Asking for what you want in a different way can have dramatically different results – and just might get you the things you are hoping for.

Perhaps we don’t realize that our critical comments won’t get us what we really want. In fact, negative comments, complaints and criticisms are likely to cause arguments and drive our partners further away. How can we change the way we handle these situations so that we get the results we want?

Learn to ask for things effectively. There are three simple steps.

  1. Identify exactly, specifically what you want. (For example, instead of focusing on the fact that your spouse is never home, think of a time you’d like him or her to be home – perhaps for dinner together on Wednesday nights.)
  2. Keep the request brief.
  3. Put it into words so that your spouse is much more likely to oblige. Asking kindly is far more likely to be successful than making an insistent demand would be.

You’ll find that asking for what you want in this simple and direct manner will have wonderful results. Your comments will no longer become a point of contention or cause an argument. Instead, you’ll find that when you stop criticizing and complaining and ask specifically for what you want that you will be far more likely to get it.

Many clients I’ve worked with in the past have found this to be very powerful in areas of their lives where they used to feel powerless. Now they know what they want and can verbalize it. I’ve had clients tell me they’re amazed that now that they ask for things differently from their spouses, their spouses give them much more of what they want. In fact, one of my clients wrote in a testimonial on my website: “I can’t believe it was this easy all along, I just had to ask differently!”

Of course using these three simple steps to ask for what you want is not a magic spell. There will still be times when your spouse says, “no.” Even so, your relationship will benefit. Instead of becoming an argument or cold war, you can both move on. In cases where your spouse won’t or can’t do or give the things you are asking of him/her find a healthy way to get that need met elsewhere.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center, call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com and use our online scheduler to find an appointment right now.

Getting What You Want: How Asking the Right Way Can Help You Get It

December 4, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Most people are good at complaining and making negative comments about the things they aren’t happy with. It’s so easy to nag, pressure, nitpick and criticize. The critical comments roll off our tongues so easily; we often make them without giving them a second thought. Think about it – how many times have you voiced a complaint out of frustration? How often have you grumbled a comment at your spouse or partner like, “You’re never home?” When you stop and think about it, will that comment make your spouse want to be home more often? Most likely it will not. Asking for what you want in a different way can have dramatically different results – and just might get you the things you are hoping for.

Perhaps we don’t realize that our critical comments won’t get us what we really want. In fact, negative comments, complaints and criticisms are likely to cause arguments and drive our partners further away. How can we change the way we handle these situations so that we get the results we want?

Learn to ask for things effectively. There are three simple steps.

  1. Identify exactly, specifically what you want. (For example, instead of focusing on the fact that your spouse is never home, think of a time you’d like him or her to be home – perhaps for dinner together on Wednesday nights.)
  2. Keep the request brief.
  3. Put it into words so that your spouse is much more likely to oblige. Asking kindly is far more likely to be successful than making an insistent demand would be.

You’ll find that asking for what you want in this simple and direct manner will have wonderful results. Your comments will no longer become a point of contention or cause an argument. Instead, you’ll find that when you stop criticizing and complaining and ask specifically for what you want that you will be far more likely to get it.

Many clients I’ve worked with in the past have found this to be very powerful in areas of their lives where they used to feel powerless. Now they know what they want and can verbalize it. I’ve had clients tell me they’re amazed that now that they ask for things differently from their spouses, their spouses give them much more of what they want. In fact, one of my clients wrote in a testimonial on my website: “I can’t believe it was this easy all along, I just had to ask differently!”

Of course using these three simple steps to ask for what you want is not a magic spell. There will still be times when your spouse says, “no.” Even so, your relationship will benefit. Instead of becoming an argument or cold war, you can both move on. In cases where your spouse won’t or can’t do or give the things you are asking of him/her find a healthy way to get that need met elsewhere.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center, call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com and use our online scheduler to find an appointment right now.

Focus On Family: Children Need Affection

October 18, 2011 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

We love our children deeply, in a way that is difficult to measure.  Much of our time is spent caring for them, thinking of them, teaching them, and helping them grow.  Since we invest so much of our time, thoughts and caring in our children, most parents would probably say, “Of course my child knows I love him/her.”  But how often do we really express our love and affection to our children?

This month, I’ll focus on one important way of expressing love for our children: appropriate physical affection.

A parent can show affection to their child in many ways, including Read More