Archives for parents

My Mother Turns 75 This Month: How the family plans to express our appreciation of her

November 2, 2015 by admin in Events, Family, Giving Thanks, Holidays, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off on My Mother Turns 75 This Month: How the family plans to express our appreciation of her

Mom On Carousel

My brother, sister and I are throwing a party in her honor. As fun as it will be connecting with family and friends, there’s one aspect of her birthday celebration I’m most excited about: a scrapbook of notes from those who love her and photos of them with her. When I realized this scrapbook is really about the appreciation people feel for my mother, I decided to share this with my followers. This coincides nicely with Thanksgiving approaching because it’s typically the time of year when we reflect on that which we’re grateful for. I’ll tell you how we’re doing it and it may inspire you to do the same for your loved one.

We mailed out blank white cards for people to use if they wish and instructed them to mail them to me (with a photo, if they can find one) in advance of the party. Then I’ve been sliding the notes and photos into the sheets of the book. It’s not fancy but the love and appreciation that it contains is astounding. I’ve been surprised and touched by what I’ve received.

For one, my cousin sent me an old photo I don’t remember ever seeing: It’s my mother age 6 or so riding a horse on a carousel. She’s in her 1940’s Sunday best and smiling from ear to ear. The photo is adorable, nostalgic, and touching. My heart was overcome with fondness to think of my cousins and aunt and uncle making time to find that old photo for this project.

Also, beautiful, funny and sentimental notes are arriving. They’ve described their appreciation for my mother helping their aging or ill parent AND just how much that meant to them. One person wrote about her gratitude when my mother sat with HER during a recovery. A former neighbor wrote about how his wife looked forward to walking to my mother’s house to retrieve items they picked up for each other on their last trip to the grocery store and looked forward to the companionship. My note is about how I admire my mother’s sense of adventure. She was and, to a lesser extent now, is always up for an outing, a social event, or going to the beach or the mountains. I love that about her and I’m sure it’s part of what made me in the person I’ve become: willing to explore, be active and to try new things.

I’m so excited to present the book of gratitude (and love) to her at the party. She’ll briefly look through it that day but I imagine the true scope of the book will reveal itself later when she has quiet time at home to savor each note. She’ll take in all the words of love and appreciation people feel for her, but so rarely express. This is true for most of us: we hardly make the time to tell those we love or admire how we feel about them. We have busy lives. We’re doing THINGS but not making time to connect with others.

I hope you’re considering doing something like this for your loved one even if the relationship isn’t always wonderful. My mother’s and my relationship certainly isn’t. We’ve had, and continue to have, our share of ups and downs, disagreements, misunderstandings and hurts. Yet the process of compiling this book has reminded me of the value of expressing the positives we do feel.

Here’s how you can create something similar.
• Purchase a scrapbook that contains clear sheets you can slide things into
• Ask friends and family if they’d be willing to write a brief note about the person you have in mind
• Give them ideas of what to write about (a fond or hilarious memory, something they appreciate or admire about this person, or words of love)
• Ask them to include a photo if possible
• Instruct them as to how to get the notes and photos to you
• Slide them into the scrapbook pages & use photo safe tape to hold the photos in place
• Present the completed book to your loved one
• Allow them to look through the book privately if they prefer

November is a great time to reflect on what we’re thankful for, including the people in our lives. May you find a way to express to those you love exactly what you love about them.

Inspire Your Kids To Love The Sports You Love

November 21, 2014 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Families loving sportsWhen we first had children, we wanted to get them involved with skiing, but wondered how we could pass our love of the sport along to them. After all, how do you explain to any beginner that spending most of the day trying (with some, but not much, success) will indeed pay off when they’re experts? How do you explain to them that this learning process will take not just days or weeks but years to master?  How do you convince them that the fun and excitement to be had will make them feel fully alive like nothing else on Earth?  There are several key concepts that can help you encourage your children to love what you love and they can be applied to any sport, hobby or whatever you are passionate about.  Here, we’re using skiing as an example, but these same concepts can be used to help share YOUR passion with your children.  Here’s how to inspire children…

 

#1 – Make it fun.  Your children are beginners and don’t yet know the fun that awaits them up on top of the mountain.  We need to make the shuffling on flat beginner terrain – actually the whole experience- fun for them.  If that includes time spent climbing piles of snow outside the lodge and then sliding down on cafeteria trays, let them.  True, the cost per run ratio is pretty poor at that moment, but you are allowing them to find joy in simply being on the hill.  It will come, in good time, that they’ll find as much joy actually doing the sport.  At this early stage, shoot for a fun experience.

 

#2 – Have patience and understanding for your child’s developmental stage.  Starting around age 18 months, children are working on exploring their world.  Their task at this stage is trying something, maybe succeeding or failing, looking for whether you are around and paying attention, and then trying again.  Expect any new activity to be touch and go.  Their behavior will not be goal directed: they are simply exploring and curious about what the outcome may be. You may plan to get a certain number of runs in, but for kids this age, that’s not where their brain is at.
Later, during early childhood, they want to emulate you.  Be the model for what you’d like them to become.  If you’re on a snowboard, don’t be surprised when they say they want to do that.  On the other hand, if you drop them off at the base lodge, then drive into town for a big breakfast and shopping, they’ll ask to go.  So, be aware of what you’re modeling for your kids because surely they’ll want to do that too.

 

One thing that is consistent throughout all developmental stages is their wish for your attention and approval, no matter whether they’re ‘succeeding’ or not.  Our children desperately want us to notice them and be pleased by their exploration and emulation of us.  Be ‘around’ for them, notice them, and delight in whichever developmental stage they’re at.

 

#3 – Watch your language.  I’m not talking about swearing.  Notice what you say about skiing, whether your comments be related to the gear, the weather, the traveling, the expense, or the terrain.  Kids listen to everything we say, even when it seems as if they’re not.  Over time, our way of thinking becomes theirs, especially at the younger ages.  The reason is that neuropathways are being created in a child’s developing brain.  When they hear, or see, the same behavior from us again and again, their brains ‘learn’ this way of thinking.  So, if we complain again and again about carrying all the heavy gear, eventually they will too.

 

#4 – No matter how technical your ability is, have a professional teach your kids.  This was a difficult one for us.  We’ve been skiing for years; we know how to carry our skis properly, stand up from falling, initiate turns, et cetera.  The expense of hiring someone else to teach what we were perfectly capable of teaching was a hard pill to swallow.  What we weren’t capable of doing was keeping our emotions under control.  Most kids act differently (read: better) for most anyone who is not their parent. Teaching our own loved ones can be exasperating.  One moment things are fine and next thing you know, you’re one of those parents you swore you’d never be: yelling at your kids on the slopes.  Now, no one’s having fun AND you’re paying for this whole miserable experience!  Delegate the teaching, no matter how proficient you are, to a neutral 3rd party instructor (who, by the way, is also an expert at dealing with young children’s antics.)

 

#5 – Go to places that cater to young children.  It’s not about you anymore.  We chose a smaller hill as our home mountain when we moved the family back East because of their excellent children’s programs, not because of the mountain’s acreage or vertical rise.

 

#6 – Connect your children with other kids doing the same activity.  It’s not realistic to think that any kid over the age of 8 would want to ski with their parents.  They’d rather be with friends (which is developmentally normal).  Whether you sign them up for ski school with their friend OR you find a season-long program where they ski with the same kids and the same coach every day, have them be with their peers.  Skiing, like most sports, is a social endeavor as much as an athletic one.  They’ll be so much more eager to go there when they have social connections on the hill.

 

You can inspire your children to love your sport or hobby as much as you do.  But it takes countless instances of you being understanding of their developmental needs and setting them up for success.  Becoming proficient at a new activity or hobby can take many years. When they develop a love for it, the reward will pay off for them for decades.  And, one day they will want to ski with you again -perhaps when they become parents themselves and can appreciate all the hard work and investment you gave to get them there.  And if you see them doing the same things for their own children that you once did for them, you’ll know that you did, indeed, inspire them.
Developing good relationships with your kids can be challenging, especially with all the pressures in today’s fast-paced world.  Maybe you’ve tried family counseling before with little to no results.  Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily.  The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help.   We are experts in building healthy relationships – of all types.  We serve families and adolescents in addition to couples.  Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment.  Most people wait months, even years, before coming in.  Instead, reach out to us to start making positive changes today.

Wow! My spouse can be just like my mother/father! How did that happen?

July 28, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

adarve-93816_640Have you ever been going about your daily life, when suddenly something your spouse says or does is so reminiscent of what your mother or father once said or did, you can hardly believe it?  It can be quite surprising – and sometimes unsettling – to see certain traits of your parents in your spouse!

The positive traits are understandable.  It makes sense that we would choose to be with someone who has some of the same positive characteristics of our parents.  On the other hand, the negative traits can be disturbing.

By traits, I mean certain aspects of a person’s character that define who they are most of the time, including in times of crisis.  Some positive traits that you might have seen in your parents – and your spouse – are warmth, bravery, trustworthiness, gentleness, confidence, tolerance, fairness, lending support, being dependable, generous, hardworking and loving.  It seems natural that we would choose to be with someone who has the same positive traits as our parents because we grew up with those things and those parts felt good.

On the other hand, when you see the negative traits of your parents reflected in your spouse it can be very upsetting.  Examples of negative traits include being inflexible, fearful, sneaky, grumpy, attacking, stingy, impatient, intrusive and, at the extreme, neglectful or abusive.  We may wonder, “Why didn’t I see that BEFORE we got married?”  “How could I have chosen someone who says or does things my parent(s) used to do that I hated?”  Or even, “How did this happen?”

Like everyone, your spouse has both positive and negative traits.  Of course, many of his/her traits are quite different from your parent’s.  However, in this article, we’re talking about the traits that are the same.  You were unconsciously drawn to a person with the same traits as your parents because they were familiar.  This is what you grew up with.  This is what you know.

The contact you had (or didn’t have) with your parents was your first experience with being in a relationship.  From that, you learned how people behave.  You learned this on both a conscious level (meaning you know this) and an unconscious level (meaning you aren’t aware of this but it’s affecting your life anyway).  Later in our lives, when we find a person with similar traits, we tend to gravitate towards them because we learned that that’s just how people behave.

It’s shocking to consider that you unconsciously chose to be with a person because they have one or more of the same negative traits you grew up with.  This didn’t happen because you wanted it to, it happened because this is what you learned a relationship feels like.

A good example of this is a woman who keeps getting involved with men who are unavailable.  She hates that she falls in love with men who are this way.  It doesn’t make sense to her until she gains insight into herself and considers that her mother was absent. (It doesn’t matter if it’s the same sex or opposite sex parent.)  Being in a relationship with someone who isn’t around or isn’t emotionally available is familiar to her.  She may not like it, but it’s what she knows and what she has gravitated towards.

The good news here is that once we learn the things our unconscious is drawing us to, we can change them.  We can decide with the conscious, knowing part of our brain to begin to do things differently.  Changing this part of yourself may mean deliberately dating someone different next time or finally learning how to deal effectively with your spouse who has this trait.

The first step to making this change is awareness.  Write down all the positive and negative traits of your parents or caregivers.  Next, write down all the traits of your current or past partners and look for similarities.  As a child, you just had to cope with, or survive living with, the negative traits of your parents.  As an adult, you can learn to deal effectively with people who have these same traits.  You don’t have to live stuck in a time warp!

If this insight intrigues you, call us.  Helping clients to gain insight and do things differently is exactly what the therapists and coaches here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey do every day.  We can help you make positive changes so that you can stop blindly repeating what doesn’t feel right.

Maintaining a happy, healthy long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world.  Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results.  Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily.  The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help.   We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships.  We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you?  No problem!  We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment.  Don’t wait any longer.  Start making positive changes today.

Focus on Family: Showing Love By Listening

March 17, 2014 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Showing Love By ListeningListening shows children we love them. As parents, we listen to our kids by paying attention to the words they are saying and by repeating back to them what we’ve heard them say. In Imago Therapy, this is called “mirroring.” Parents do this by saying, “What I heard you say was…”  Parents can also help by remarking on what the child has said that makes sense to them. Listening, repeating, and understanding helps kids feel valued by their parents. There are times this is all that’s needed to help your child cope with something challenging.

As a parent myself, I have witnessed firsthand how listening and mirroring has helped my child. Once on vacation, my daughter wanted us to buy her a hermit crab after her friend got one. My first thought was, “Oh no, not another pet to clean up after.”  I held that thought inside of me and said to my daughter and husband, “Let’s talk together about it tomorrow.”  On our drive out of town, we took turns talking. My husband began by saying his thoughts. Then my daughter stated why she wanted a hermit crab: “We could buy it colored rocks and all we’d have to do is feed it. I REALLY, REALLY want one.” I mirrored her by saying, “I know you REALLY, REALLY want a hermit crab. I heard you say we could buy it colored rocks and all we would have to do is give it food. Did I get it?” She responded “Yes.” She added more and I mirrored that too. When it was my turn I told her that I understood her wish because I liked having a hermit crab as a pet when I was a child. Soon, we were onto a different subject. A few days passed. My husband and I realized that she hadn’t mentioned the hermit crab again. We were amazed because she had been so adamant! We were further amazed when she saw the friend with the hermit crab again and made no further mention of her wish for one as a pet.

What I realized was this: my daughter had felt heard and understood. And that was enough. By choosing not to say anything at first, I gave her the “space” to fully tell us how she saw things. She felt loved by us in this way. The content of her wish (wanting the hermit crab) wasn’t nearly as important as the process of being listened to. All children want their parents’ love and attention more than they want any material thing. Just as you do with your spouse, give your child the gift of being truly heard.

To schedule an appointment to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email  getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Summer’s Coming: What Are You Going To Do With Your Kids??

April 27, 2012 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

The weather is warming up quickly.  Summer camp registration is well underway.  Before you know it, the pool will be open and it will be time for the beach, picnics and barbeques.  It won’t be long before your kids come home from school shouting, “School’s out for summer!!”

Do those words bring you a feeling of excitement and happy anticipation as thoughts of summer stretch out before you?  Or do they bring you a feeling of dread?

For many of us, knowing that we’ll have to help our young children and teens occupy the long days of summer can be daunting.  It can be a source of worry, stress and tension.  For the next two months, you will be expected to play the role of events coordinator to your children – who seem to feel entitled to fabulous vacations, extravagant daytrips, specialty camps, and movies – all arranged for and paid for by you!  Maybe you have a teen who needs to get a summer job and is dragging his/her feet.  Perhaps you dread the expected and all-too-common refrains of,  “I’m bored.  There’s nothing to do.  I don’t want to go outside.”  Then again, maybe it’s the inevitable bickering between siblings who are together all day that makes you cringe.

In addition to these unpleasant prospects, you’d like it if your children’s brains didn’t turn to mush over the 10 weeks of summer vacation.  How do you get them to read or practice some type of academics?  On top of that, you still have your own responsibilities.  How are you going to get your own work done?!  Is it possible for you to enjoy the summer with the kids home from school?

You CAN enjoy the summer with your kids.  It does take a healthy dose of planning and patience.  Try some of these ideas:

  • Invite your kids to try a hobby or sport that you enjoy, like golf or cycling.  Pick something that you can do together.  That way you’ll be having fun alongside your kids.
  • Make time for yourself to get things done AND to relax and recharge. Schedule dinner or drinks with friends, or perhaps a weekend away, to ensure you have time for both work and play.
  • Structure your days at home with the kids.  Set a routine so that you spend mornings reading together on the couch, make time to go to the pool after lunch every day, or take a regular evening walk after dinner.  The school year/day is highly structured and that works well for kids.  Make sure you implement some structure into your summer too.  That way the kids will know what to expect and will relax into the routine.
  • Hire help. Take advantage of neighborhood teens who are looking for extra income and have more time over the summer.  You can hire them at a moderate cost to provide temporary or long term childcare or household help.
  • Involve your kids in planning larger trips.  Research vacations, day trips or activities that are within your budget and then have each child choose one or more of their favorites and put it on the calendar.  Knowing that some bigger fun is planned can help kids get through the days at home.
  • Check community resources.  Many communities provide fun options that can be entertaining and economical when money is a concern.  Do you have a town pool?  Does the recreation department offer summer camp?  Perhaps your library has free programs for children.  How about the local churches?  You can enrich your child’s religious education by enrolling them in one or more vacation bible schools.
  • Swap with other parents. Set up a regular schedule or agreement where each parent takes a turn watching all the kids so the other parent(s) can have time to themselves.  Your kids will have built-in social time with playmates and you’ll have time to focus on your own tasks – or just relax!

To learn more about how to make summer fun for the whole family, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.

Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Sex In Marriage: Keeping the Passion Alive, Post Children

April 17, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Sex In Marriage: Keeping the Passion Alive, Post ChildrenRemember when you were newlyweds and you couldn’t get enough of each other?

You’d dress up for dates so that you looked and felt sexy and then eagerly anticipate returning home together? And other evenings when you weren’t going anywhere, you’d slip something sexy on to spice things up in the bedroom?  But now you are parents, and things have changed dramatically. Where did the excitement, passion, and anticipation go? How do we, as parents, maintain our sexual selves?

In our culture, good parents are presented as nurturing, self-sacrificing, and asexual. There is a disconnect between being a parent and being a sexual being. Many parents pass down this sense of detachment from their own sexuality in several ways:

  • disapproving of a child’s first sexual exploration (masturbation)
  • not speaking of sex
  • avoiding direct and factual discussions of the body

If you are like many couples, you probably enjoyed being sexual together early in your relationship. You could plan elaborate dates and spend time on foreplay. You took time to relax and explore one another during sex. It was hot. You felt sexy; you needed and wanted sex. Then you became parents and your sex life took a backseat.

It can be all too easy to put sex on the backburner, but in a world full of career, childrearing, running a household, and giving to others, sex can be a respite from the demands of everyday life. Both the mundane and the stress of daily living are transcended during sex play between married partners.  It’s a way to close the door on the world and explore oneself and one’s partner with the only purpose being to experience pleasure and express love.  It is a means for couples to connect in a way that they don’t with anyone else.

Most couples counseling emphasizes talking as the primary way to communicate. While talking is important, our bodies can communicate as much or more than our words. Sexual touch is a powerful communicator. It reminds us that ‘We really are connected. We DO love one another. It is safe to let go in front of my partner. He still desires me. She still gets excited at my touch.’  After an argument or disconnect, sex can feel like hitting the reset button for the marriage.  It lets us know that, ‘We hit a rough patch, but now we’re connected once again.’

How do we bring good sex back into marriage? Finding new ways to think about sex can help.

  • Value your partner as a person who is different from you – think of him/her as a mystery to be rediscovered.
  • Think of foreplay as beginning hours or days before you plan to be together; flirt, enjoy each other’s company and let the anticipation build.
  • Value sex as a way to reconnect after an argument or rupture.
  • Remember that as a human, you are a sexual being and this is a gift.
  • Remember that having a strong marriage is an essential part of being a good parent;  make sure you focus on your partner too, rather than just your children.
  • Talk to your physician about any physical issues that may be interfering with sex.
  • Talk to your therapist about any emotions that may be interfering.

To learn more about how to pump up the passion after you’ve had children, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Wow! My spouse can be just like my mother/father! How did that happen?

May 20, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Have you ever been going about your daily life, when suddenly something your spouse says or does is so reminiscent of what your mother or father once said or did, you can hardly believe it?  It can be quite surprising – and sometimes unsettling – to see certain traits of your parents in your spouse!

The positive traits are understandable.  It makes sense that we would choose to be with someone who has some of the same positive characteristics of our parents.  On the other hand, the negative traits can be disturbing. Read More

Focus On Family: Showing Love By Listening

July 9, 2010 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Focus On Family: Showing Love By ListeningListening shows children we love them.  As parents, we listen to our kids by paying attention to the words they are saying and by repeating back to them what we’ve heard them say . In Imago Therapy, this is called “mirroring”.  Parents do this by saying, “What I heard you say was…”  Parents can also help by remarking on what the child has said that makes sense to them.  Listening, repeating, and understanding helps kids feel valued by their parents.  There are times this is all that’s needed to help your child cope with something challenging. Read More