Events

My Mother Turns 75 This Month: How the family plans to express our appreciation of her

November 2, 2015 by admin in Events, Family, Giving Thanks, Holidays, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off on My Mother Turns 75 This Month: How the family plans to express our appreciation of her

Mom On Carousel

My brother, sister and I are throwing a party in her honor. As fun as it will be connecting with family and friends, there’s one aspect of her birthday celebration I’m most excited about: a scrapbook of notes from those who love her and photos of them with her. When I realized this scrapbook is really about the appreciation people feel for my mother, I decided to share this with my followers. This coincides nicely with Thanksgiving approaching because it’s typically the time of year when we reflect on that which we’re grateful for. I’ll tell you how we’re doing it and it may inspire you to do the same for your loved one.

We mailed out blank white cards for people to use if they wish and instructed them to mail them to me (with a photo, if they can find one) in advance of the party. Then I’ve been sliding the notes and photos into the sheets of the book. It’s not fancy but the love and appreciation that it contains is astounding. I’ve been surprised and touched by what I’ve received.

For one, my cousin sent me an old photo I don’t remember ever seeing: It’s my mother age 6 or so riding a horse on a carousel. She’s in her 1940’s Sunday best and smiling from ear to ear. The photo is adorable, nostalgic, and touching. My heart was overcome with fondness to think of my cousins and aunt and uncle making time to find that old photo for this project.

Also, beautiful, funny and sentimental notes are arriving. They’ve described their appreciation for my mother helping their aging or ill parent AND just how much that meant to them. One person wrote about her gratitude when my mother sat with HER during a recovery. A former neighbor wrote about how his wife looked forward to walking to my mother’s house to retrieve items they picked up for each other on their last trip to the grocery store and looked forward to the companionship. My note is about how I admire my mother’s sense of adventure. She was and, to a lesser extent now, is always up for an outing, a social event, or going to the beach or the mountains. I love that about her and I’m sure it’s part of what made me in the person I’ve become: willing to explore, be active and to try new things.

I’m so excited to present the book of gratitude (and love) to her at the party. She’ll briefly look through it that day but I imagine the true scope of the book will reveal itself later when she has quiet time at home to savor each note. She’ll take in all the words of love and appreciation people feel for her, but so rarely express. This is true for most of us: we hardly make the time to tell those we love or admire how we feel about them. We have busy lives. We’re doing THINGS but not making time to connect with others.

I hope you’re considering doing something like this for your loved one even if the relationship isn’t always wonderful. My mother’s and my relationship certainly isn’t. We’ve had, and continue to have, our share of ups and downs, disagreements, misunderstandings and hurts. Yet the process of compiling this book has reminded me of the value of expressing the positives we do feel.

Here’s how you can create something similar.
• Purchase a scrapbook that contains clear sheets you can slide things into
• Ask friends and family if they’d be willing to write a brief note about the person you have in mind
• Give them ideas of what to write about (a fond or hilarious memory, something they appreciate or admire about this person, or words of love)
• Ask them to include a photo if possible
• Instruct them as to how to get the notes and photos to you
• Slide them into the scrapbook pages & use photo safe tape to hold the photos in place
• Present the completed book to your loved one
• Allow them to look through the book privately if they prefer

November is a great time to reflect on what we’re thankful for, including the people in our lives. May you find a way to express to those you love exactly what you love about them.

Get a Grip: How to Keep Emotional Reactions From Hurting Your Marriage

July 7, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Events, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

couple-fightingYour emotions have a huge impact on your marriage.  Whether your reaction to these emotions is to show them on the outside OR to keep outside of your awareness, your reaction might be driving your partner away.  After many times of reacting similarly, a pattern sets in.  This pattern may be a big contributor to the difficulties in your marriage.

People react differently when they have an emotion inside. Some people are overreactors and some are underreactors.  An overreactor is very obvious.  When they’re emotionally triggered by something, they can react with their body.  They might clench their fists or jaw, stomp around, point, or stand up to appear bigger.  You can see their emotions in their face: anger, sadness, crying, or disappointment.  They can also react with their voice by yelling, raging, cursing, using sarcasm, bemoaning, complaining, or non-stop talking.

An underreactor is trickier to see.  These people tend to shut down and close off from others.  They may not even know they are feeling anything.  Underreactors may leave the room or the house, curl up their shoulders, go off to bed, or turn to some distraction like the computer.  It might show up if they say very little, are silent, or speak quietly. Often you can hardly tell by their face that anything is going on because there’s hardly any change in their expression.  Many times you can hardly tell that an underreactor is having any feeling at all because they hardly show it.  They’re just as upset on the inside as an overreactor; it’s just that it isn’t evident on the outside.

Your emotion (or what looks like your lack of emotion) is deeply affecting your spouse.  You are so closely connected to your spouse, even if you currently feel distant, that your spouse can pick up on your feelings.  And it DOES affect us to be in the presence of someone who feels angry, sad, or disappointed.  Unless your spouse can stay calm and connected to you, your spouse likely has difficulty with your emotion and your reaction to your emotion.  So, when you have a painful feeling, your spouse reacts to it.

Whether your spouse is an underreactor or overreactor will determine just how your spouse reacts to your emotion.  Now, the two of you are experiencing painful emotions and reacting to them.  For most couples in conflict or with great distance between them, this pattern is a big problem in and of itself.

All humans have emotions.  We definitely have emotions when it comes to our spouse because we are so connected to this person.  Rather than continuing to freak out OR to shut down:

  1. Stop and think before you overreact or underreact.
  2. Notice what it is you are feeling.
  3. Think about how you would like to react instead that will not cause a secondary problem.
  4. Reach out to talk to someone who supports your marriage and will help you sort through things.

This skill ALONE will have a profound effect on your spouse and everyone around you.  Plus it’s your duty as an adult to know how to handle yourself and your emotional reaction to what life throws your way.  You’re going to continue to have feelings about life’s events.  Here at the Couples Therapy Center, we teach people what to do with their emotions: how to identify them, how emotions are showing up in your body as tension or illness, AND how to react to them in a way that keeps your relationship intact!  Taking these steps can go a long way to achieving a stronger, more peaceful relationship.  Here, you’ll learn the skills needed to stop overreacting or underreacting. Once you learn to react appropriately to all that life throws your way, you’ll find more peace and harmony both in your life and with your spouse.

To schedule an appointment to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

The FIRST Step in Getting What You Want

June 30, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Events, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Couple Having BreakfastWhen I first talk to clients about how to set goals I am always met with strange looks and disbelief.  The conversation usually begins with people telling me what’s not going well in their lives, what’s difficult for them, or what they have too much or too little of.  I always ask them, “What do you want instead?”  Often, just naming what they do want is a stretch for people.

I ask them to describe to me, being specific and using plenty of detail, what they want. I hear things like, “I want to trust my spouse again.”  “ I want to land a great job.”  And “I want my kids to listen to me.”  We then take these statements and make them a lot more specific.

For example, “I want to trust my spouse again” becomes “I want to feel calm and loved when my spouse is talking to or texting someone I don’t know.”  “I want to land a great job” becomes “I want to be offered a job in my career with a great salary and benefits in a city I want to be in doing what I love to do.”  “I want my kids to listen to me” becomes “I want my kids to hear my directions and calmly, directly follow through with what I just asked.”

Now come the strange looks and disbelief: I instruct clients to put that same statement in the present tense.  Say it and write it as if it’s happening NOW – even if it isn’t.  Why is this important?  Because what we tell ourselves unfolds in our lives.  So, if your goals are stated in the future tense, they will remain in the future.  You will always be striving or longing for them.  Those goals now become “I DO feel calm and loved when my spouse is talking or texting someone I don’t know.  “I AM offered a job in my career with a great salary and benefits in a city I want to be in doing what I love to do.”  “My kids HEAR my directions and they calmly, directly follow through with what I just asked.”

Go ahead and write your own goals down.  They can be about any area of your life.  Make them specific, positive, and in the PRESENT (as if they are already happening).  It may feel awkward because you’re writing things that haven’t happened yet.  My response to that is that it’s okay to feel awkward.  There’s no harm in doing it anyway.  Then, put the goals away someplace special.  You can choose to read them again if you wish, but you don’t have to: the power of goal setting is that you have first created in your mind what you long for in your world.  Everything we do and have was first created in our mind.  This exercise does that for you.

Goal setting in this way is EXTREMELY POWERFUL, even though it appears benign and inconsequential.  Write your own goals down today.  Then, be patient and watchful for clues and you’ll see them unfolding in your life!

Of course you will still take action on these goals: many small steps taken one at a time.  But you’ve done the most basic and important piece first by setting out for yourself exactly where you’re headed!  When you know where you’re headed, you are SO much more likely to get there.

To learn more or schedule an appointment call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.