Divorce

Why Is It Couples Come to Hate the Very Trait that First Drew Them To Their Partner?

May 24, 2017 by admin in Divorce, Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off on Why Is It Couples Come to Hate the Very Trait that First Drew Them To Their Partner?

Imagine a love story where opposites attract: the popular guy becomes drawn to the shy bookworm, or the rich sophisticated woman falls for the hardworking blue collared man. In the movies, the ending is always the same-the couple brings out the best in each other with their opposite qualities and they live happily ever after. But for many couples, the trait that first drew them to their partner becomes a source of friction between them later on.  Can the old adage “opposites attract” transfer into a solid, long-lasting relationship?

The reverse would seem to be closer to the truth: we want a partner who is similar, who has the same likes and dislikes, who enjoys the same activities. Yet, for many couples, they were drawn to a partner who has traits that are in fact opposite of theirs.  In my and my husband’s story, I was first drawn to his athletic ability.  It was exciting and not an ability I thought I had.  With him, I was now mountain biking, rock climbing and going to the gym – things I had never done before and, turns out, I love doing.  This is why we often hear new lovers say “He/she completes me!”  They’re being exposed to new ways of being.  These differences are so attractive in the beginning stage of a relationship when you feel loved and accepted.  When we’re feeling connected and cherished, we are open to newness and dissimilarity in our loved one.

But often, that fondness for difference doesn’t last.  The relationship naturally moves out of that beginning phase and into a stage of challenge and difficulty.  At some point, and unintentionally, I began to resent my husband spending time doing sports.  It became the source of arguments between us. The very quality/talent/trait I once found so endearing had become a source of conflict.  I was angry that he spent so much time cycling and working out.  Why the change?  Because in this difficulty stage, we are, at times, feeling challenged, hurt, lonely or scared (for reasons not connected to any trait).  The relationship feels SO different from how it used to.  And when we have these painful feelings, we unconsciously revert to our old ways of coping and our old ways of behaving in the world.  For me, it was to return my focus to academics and career.  At this stage, that characteristic in our partner is threatening, not exhilarating, because that trait wasn’t something our parents encouraged in us as children.  We can come to hate the very trait we used to love in this person.

I overcame this by trying to understand my husband, turning my attention toward what this was bringing up in me and by changing my perspective.  I thought about the role athleticism played in his childhood – it was a source of joy and his escape from a not-so-great adolescence.  For him, it was more than just going on a ride – he did it to feel good and feel accomplished.  Next I had to explore myself – I was discouraged from doing many sports and adventures as a kid.  My parents balked when I asked to play ice hockey (granted, it was the 70’s and not the young-girl-power movement we’re seeing today).  From numerous experiences like that, I learned it’s not emotionally safe (and wasn’t developed in me) to be athletic and adventurous.  When feeling hurt as an adult, I turned to what had felt emotionally safe (what had been accepted by others) and turned away from the trait my husband exemplified.  Lastly, I changed my perspective.  I realized that my husband has been modeling for me an aspect that needed to be developed in me (athleticism) AND I came to know its value (to take care of my body with exercise and to have fun and excitement).  After a long journey, and many of my own therapy sessions spent talking about this, I am grateful.  He has been showing me all along how to do something I need to develop in myself.

Here are how opposites can have successful long-term relationships:

-Understand how this trait operated in your partner’s childhood or adolescence

-Reflect on what messages you heard growing up about this trait and whether it was emotionally safe to do or not

-Consider how this trait is a good and valuable one that you may need to develop

 

If differences in personalities are causing you difficulty in your relationship, we can help you implement these strategies, as well as others, to create a mutually satisfying relationship for both partners. Please feel free to call us at 908-246-3074, or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

My Teens Are Driving Me Crazy! And They Aren’t Even Mine: A Step Parent’s Frustration

March 16, 2017 by admin in Divorce, Family, Marriage, Relationships, Remarriage | Comments Off on My Teens Are Driving Me Crazy! And They Aren’t Even Mine: A Step Parent’s Frustration

“You’re not my real mother, so why should I listen to you?”
“I hate you! I wish my father NEVER EVEN MET YOU!”
“If it wasn’t for you, my parents would still be together.”
If you’re a step parent of teens, it’s likely you’ve heard statements like these at times. How can a (newly remarried) couple navigate the intense feelings of their teens while keeping their marriage healthy and strong? Working together as a team is always the first order of business, especially with teenagers whose job it is to test parental boundaries. But there are also helpful ways for the step parent to make the road smoother. If you are the step parent of a teenager, here are three tips to keep in mind:
Don’t take it personally
Teenagers, experiencing a multitude of changes in their bodies and raging hormones, are emotional creatures under any circumstances. They are likely experiencing many feelings around this time of change in their family, especially if they are still holding on to hope of their parents getting back together. While divorce is hard on children of all ages, if a divorce occurred when the child is older, they often have a harder time. It’s harder for them to accept that their parents won’t be together anymore and they may feel their family has been torn apart. It’s normal for children to have a deep-seated desire for their parents to ultimately get back together. This, then, makes it seems as if the step parent is the person getting in the way of their fantasy. As a step parent, you may end up being the target of their anger, betrayal, and other painful emotions. It can help to know that the painful emotions your step child is feeling likely has little to nothing to do with you personally.
Don’t attempt to compete with the biological parent
With younger children, there tends to be more of an acceptance of a step parent as long as you are loving and attentive. But with teenagers, this acceptance of a new parental figure in their lives doesn’t usually come easily and you can inadvertently end up ‘competing’ with the bio parent. If there is a good relationship with their other biological parent, chances are loyalty will be fierce. It is important to never say anything bad about your step child’s biological parent, as much as it may be tempting at times. If the relationship with your new partner and their ex isn’t so amicable, be sure to keep those conversations away from children at all times! They need to know and believe that their loyalty to their biological parent is absolutely okay. As the newcomer, try to remind children that you are never looking to replace their biological parent. To avoid seeming to compete with your partner’s ex, always respect the role the bio parent plays in the teen’s life. Another important way to stay away from a competing stance is by sharing big decisions and important information with the biological parent. For example, if your teenager gets in trouble in school, be sure to work with your partner AND THEIR EX to decide on how discipline will be handled. If your teenager sees that parenting is being done in conjunction with both of their biological parents, they will have a clearer understanding that you as the step parent are not trying to be a replacement parent.

Talk openly and honestly with your ‘new’ teenager
While getting teenagers to talk is generally challenging, they tend to appreciate when adults are able to be honest with them. While they are by no means your peer and the parent/child roles need to be reinforced, talking honestly with them about issues in the family will help. For example, if you as the step parent are struggling to relate to them or finding it hard to find a common interest, don’t be afraid to confide this struggle to them. Doing so will not only open avenues of communication, but will have the added bonus of letting them see that you are human and doing your best.

While being the step parent of an adolescent can bring its own unique set of challenges, some simple actions can go a long way in keeping peace in your blended family. These attitudes and actions can even help to get you on your way to a strong healthy relationship with your new stepchild. At Couples Therapy Center of NJ, we help remarried couples with parenting issues to develop healthy communication AND grow a strong, stable family. And if you can’t get your spouse to come in with you, that’s okay. We also see individual clients because good work on the marriage (and family) can take place even if we never meet your partner.

Ways to Stop an Ex from Damaging Your Relationship: Three Guidelines for Communication

September 20, 2016 by admin in Divorce, Relationships, Remarriage | Comments Off on Ways to Stop an Ex from Damaging Your Relationship: Three Guidelines for Communication

by Debby Deroian, Practicum Student-Therapist under the supervision of Meredith Keller LPC, ACS

aggressive lionessImagine: You and your partner are finally having a much needed date night.  This took a month to happen due to several cancellations with work and kids’ schedules! You are in the middle of dinner when your partner’s phone rings, and as soon as you hear the dreaded ringtone you feel annoyed. Your partner answers the phone call from their ex, the anger rises in you and you know date night will be ruined. If this scenario sounds familiar, you may be (unintentionally) allowing an ex to communicate in a way that interferes with your current relationship. Over time, continued arguments and resentments over an ex can start to do damage to your relationship.

With the commonality of divorce and remarriage, subsequent marriages bring a new set of hurdles.  Learning to deal with exes, especially those that may be more demanding, can be one of the biggest challenges for remarried couples. Of course, exes do need to remain part of your life when you share children, so learning to balance your relationship with your ex and your current partner can be tricky, but is very doable.  How can you avoid this potential damage?  Prevent an ex from being in the middle of your relationship by setting solid guidelines for communication such as…

  • Talk about how and when to communicate with the ex
  • Talk about what and what NOT to communicate with the ex
  • Keep the power

First, boundaries are key. Not only is it important to set boundaries around means of communication with your ex, but equally important is that both partners feel like they have a say in defining those boundaries. Let’s say your partner replies to emails or texts from their ex anytime and every time, but this interferes with your time together.  You and your partner discuss how and when this type of communication will take place that you both feel okay with.  Perhaps you decide together that any communication will not take place when the two of you are enjoying alone time, or when you are enjoying family time.  Try to be as specific as possible in deciding how and when to communicate: such as date nights are a definite no, but if we are out running errands together you can reply. Try to respect your partner’s feelings as much as possible.  While an ex certainly may not cooperate with this, your partner can implement the boundaries by continuing to let their ex know when they are unavailable and that they’ll get back to them at a more convenient time- (unless it’s a health or safety emergency with one of the kids). Eventually, the ex will learn they can’t have 24/7 access to their former partner.

Talk about appropriate communication. While you want to have an amicable relationship with your ex, there is necessary communication and there is communication that may make your partner uncomfortable. Talk openly about what each one of you feels is appropriate for the type of relationship you should have with an ex. Discuss with each other what and what NOT to communicate about.  For example, it’s ok to say, “I don’t feel comfortable when your ex calls and wants to chat about his/her personal life with you.”  Or, “When we have an argument, I don’t want you telling your ex about it.”  Again, there may be some compromise necessary, but if you listen to (and try to understand) how your partner feels, it will go a long way in keeping your relationship healthy and strong.  The goal here is making your partner feel like you and your current relationship is the priority.

Keep the power.   We all know that there are some exes out there that want to try to maintain power over their former partner. They may be doing things such as purposely calling or texting when they know you might be enjoying some kid-free time or trying to maintain an inappropriate relationship.  Even if this is happening, you have the power to control only your own behavior. They only have the power that you allow them to have. Remember, if you let a phone call at an inopportune time cause a fight, the only night that will be ruined is yours!

If you’re having trouble with an ex, we can help you (and your partner) set and maintain boundaries like these.  Call us at 908-246-3074 or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment.  Doing it sooner rather than later could save you years of unnecessary hassle and make your current relationship stronger than ever.