Remarriage

My Teens Are Driving Me Crazy! And They Aren’t Even Mine: A Step Parent’s Frustration

March 16, 2017 by admin in Divorce, Family, Marriage, Relationships, Remarriage | Comments Off on My Teens Are Driving Me Crazy! And They Aren’t Even Mine: A Step Parent’s Frustration

“You’re not my real mother, so why should I listen to you?”
“I hate you! I wish my father NEVER EVEN MET YOU!”
“If it wasn’t for you, my parents would still be together.”
If you’re a step parent of teens, it’s likely you’ve heard statements like these at times. How can a (newly remarried) couple navigate the intense feelings of their teens while keeping their marriage healthy and strong? Working together as a team is always the first order of business, especially with teenagers whose job it is to test parental boundaries. But there are also helpful ways for the step parent to make the road smoother. If you are the step parent of a teenager, here are three tips to keep in mind:
Don’t take it personally
Teenagers, experiencing a multitude of changes in their bodies and raging hormones, are emotional creatures under any circumstances. They are likely experiencing many feelings around this time of change in their family, especially if they are still holding on to hope of their parents getting back together. While divorce is hard on children of all ages, if a divorce occurred when the child is older, they often have a harder time. It’s harder for them to accept that their parents won’t be together anymore and they may feel their family has been torn apart. It’s normal for children to have a deep-seated desire for their parents to ultimately get back together. This, then, makes it seems as if the step parent is the person getting in the way of their fantasy. As a step parent, you may end up being the target of their anger, betrayal, and other painful emotions. It can help to know that the painful emotions your step child is feeling likely has little to nothing to do with you personally.
Don’t attempt to compete with the biological parent
With younger children, there tends to be more of an acceptance of a step parent as long as you are loving and attentive. But with teenagers, this acceptance of a new parental figure in their lives doesn’t usually come easily and you can inadvertently end up ‘competing’ with the bio parent. If there is a good relationship with their other biological parent, chances are loyalty will be fierce. It is important to never say anything bad about your step child’s biological parent, as much as it may be tempting at times. If the relationship with your new partner and their ex isn’t so amicable, be sure to keep those conversations away from children at all times! They need to know and believe that their loyalty to their biological parent is absolutely okay. As the newcomer, try to remind children that you are never looking to replace their biological parent. To avoid seeming to compete with your partner’s ex, always respect the role the bio parent plays in the teen’s life. Another important way to stay away from a competing stance is by sharing big decisions and important information with the biological parent. For example, if your teenager gets in trouble in school, be sure to work with your partner AND THEIR EX to decide on how discipline will be handled. If your teenager sees that parenting is being done in conjunction with both of their biological parents, they will have a clearer understanding that you as the step parent are not trying to be a replacement parent.

Talk openly and honestly with your ‘new’ teenager
While getting teenagers to talk is generally challenging, they tend to appreciate when adults are able to be honest with them. While they are by no means your peer and the parent/child roles need to be reinforced, talking honestly with them about issues in the family will help. For example, if you as the step parent are struggling to relate to them or finding it hard to find a common interest, don’t be afraid to confide this struggle to them. Doing so will not only open avenues of communication, but will have the added bonus of letting them see that you are human and doing your best.

While being the step parent of an adolescent can bring its own unique set of challenges, some simple actions can go a long way in keeping peace in your blended family. These attitudes and actions can even help to get you on your way to a strong healthy relationship with your new stepchild. At Couples Therapy Center of NJ, we help remarried couples with parenting issues to develop healthy communication AND grow a strong, stable family. And if you can’t get your spouse to come in with you, that’s okay. We also see individual clients because good work on the marriage (and family) can take place even if we never meet your partner.

Navigating the Blurred Lines of Step Parenting

November 15, 2016 by admin in Remarriage, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Navigating the Blurred Lines of Step Parenting

by Debby Derioan, Student-Therapist under the Supervision of Meredith Keller, LPC, ACS

Keeping your cool

 

Our culture has shown us only two possible extremes for being a step parent—effortless as in the Brady family from TV or torturous as in the wicked stepmother.  Who doesn’t recall The Brady Bunch—the iconic television example of the happy couple who easily blended their two families? Sure, they had some small problems along the way, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed in under a half hour. On the reverse side of that, fantasy in children’s fairy tales and movies portrays  the evil stepmother. Yet somewhere in the middle of these two extremes lies the reality.

The reality is: step parenting is hard, takes time, and the stresses can challenge even the strongest of relationships.  But, with a lot of love, compromise and communication, you can find the middle ground that will keep your relationship strong and your blended family together. So, how do we walk that fine line that represents the middle ground?

  • Make sure your expectations of step parenting are realistic.
  • Communicate with you partner and set your protectiveness to the side.
  • Be on the same team as your partner.

First, false expectations can set us up for disaster! Most of us dream about getting remarried and starting a new life with that false vision from TV. It is easy to think we will love a stepchild just as much as our biological children.  After all, we deeply love their parent.  And, of course, we hope and expect they will love us in return.

It is important to remember that developing a blended family is a slow progression.  Developing a relationship with a stepchild takes time as well and a good dose of patience. Remember that a biological parent begins their bond with their child from the day they enter the world, and regardless of the age of a stepchild, you are starting behind to build a relationship. In addition, loyalty issues children have toward their other biological parent that may inhibit them from wanting to get to close to you. Or perhaps there will be jealousy because they’ve had their parent to themselves for a while, and they feel threatened by having to now share him or her with someone else.  Heading into step parenting with realistic expectations of the time and patience it will take to develop a new family unit and a good relationship with your stepchildren will go a long way in easing the pressure you will likely feel for an instant love and bond.

Communication with your partner on this subject is crucial!  This subject can be especially touchy between partners. As parents, our instinct is to protect and defend our children. So often, this could lead to defensiveness when discussing discipline or a conflictual conversation with your partner regarding the children.  A conflictual conversation can then lead to the sense that the child is being prioritized over our partner. While our child needs will often come first, it is possible to balance that with our partner’s needs if it is being discussed with open and honest communication. Listening to understand is key. Feeling heard and understood can ease a lot of the defensiveness and allow for more constructive conversations about touchy topics.

Be on the same team and work together with your partner to navigate the difficulties you may run into in the day-to-day duties of step parenting. When it comes to parenting a stepchild, roles can be very fuzzy, not clearly discussed in advance, and not necessarily agreed upon.  For example, can a step parent feel comfortable with discipline if it’s not their biological child? Perhaps you and your partner want to divide roles following the rule ‘your child, you make the decisions and handle all discipline’; or perhaps you want to truly co-parent and both are responsible for all children regardless who is a biological parent and who is a step parent. There is no right or wrong answer, and each couple must decide what works best for them. The key is for you and your partner to be on the same page regarding roles and other aspects of parenting.  Be on the lookout for the tendency to automatically defend ‘your’ child and instead make every attempt to stay united with your partner.

It’s by being realistic, communicating, and parenting together that you’ll have the best chance of creating a healthy blended family.

If you are having trouble navigating the complexities of a blended family, we can help teach you strategies like these. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment.  Doing it sooner rather than later could save you years of unnecessary hassle and make your current relationship stronger than ever.

Ways to Stop an Ex from Damaging Your Relationship: Three Guidelines for Communication

September 20, 2016 by admin in Divorce, Relationships, Remarriage | Comments Off on Ways to Stop an Ex from Damaging Your Relationship: Three Guidelines for Communication

by Debby Deroian, Practicum Student-Therapist under the supervision of Meredith Keller LPC, ACS

aggressive lionessImagine: You and your partner are finally having a much needed date night.  This took a month to happen due to several cancellations with work and kids’ schedules! You are in the middle of dinner when your partner’s phone rings, and as soon as you hear the dreaded ringtone you feel annoyed. Your partner answers the phone call from their ex, the anger rises in you and you know date night will be ruined. If this scenario sounds familiar, you may be (unintentionally) allowing an ex to communicate in a way that interferes with your current relationship. Over time, continued arguments and resentments over an ex can start to do damage to your relationship.

With the commonality of divorce and remarriage, subsequent marriages bring a new set of hurdles.  Learning to deal with exes, especially those that may be more demanding, can be one of the biggest challenges for remarried couples. Of course, exes do need to remain part of your life when you share children, so learning to balance your relationship with your ex and your current partner can be tricky, but is very doable.  How can you avoid this potential damage?  Prevent an ex from being in the middle of your relationship by setting solid guidelines for communication such as…

  • Talk about how and when to communicate with the ex
  • Talk about what and what NOT to communicate with the ex
  • Keep the power

First, boundaries are key. Not only is it important to set boundaries around means of communication with your ex, but equally important is that both partners feel like they have a say in defining those boundaries. Let’s say your partner replies to emails or texts from their ex anytime and every time, but this interferes with your time together.  You and your partner discuss how and when this type of communication will take place that you both feel okay with.  Perhaps you decide together that any communication will not take place when the two of you are enjoying alone time, or when you are enjoying family time.  Try to be as specific as possible in deciding how and when to communicate: such as date nights are a definite no, but if we are out running errands together you can reply. Try to respect your partner’s feelings as much as possible.  While an ex certainly may not cooperate with this, your partner can implement the boundaries by continuing to let their ex know when they are unavailable and that they’ll get back to them at a more convenient time- (unless it’s a health or safety emergency with one of the kids). Eventually, the ex will learn they can’t have 24/7 access to their former partner.

Talk about appropriate communication. While you want to have an amicable relationship with your ex, there is necessary communication and there is communication that may make your partner uncomfortable. Talk openly about what each one of you feels is appropriate for the type of relationship you should have with an ex. Discuss with each other what and what NOT to communicate about.  For example, it’s ok to say, “I don’t feel comfortable when your ex calls and wants to chat about his/her personal life with you.”  Or, “When we have an argument, I don’t want you telling your ex about it.”  Again, there may be some compromise necessary, but if you listen to (and try to understand) how your partner feels, it will go a long way in keeping your relationship healthy and strong.  The goal here is making your partner feel like you and your current relationship is the priority.

Keep the power.   We all know that there are some exes out there that want to try to maintain power over their former partner. They may be doing things such as purposely calling or texting when they know you might be enjoying some kid-free time or trying to maintain an inappropriate relationship.  Even if this is happening, you have the power to control only your own behavior. They only have the power that you allow them to have. Remember, if you let a phone call at an inopportune time cause a fight, the only night that will be ruined is yours!

If you’re having trouble with an ex, we can help you (and your partner) set and maintain boundaries like these.  Call us at 908-246-3074 or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment.  Doing it sooner rather than later could save you years of unnecessary hassle and make your current relationship stronger than ever.