Archives for hurt

Rules for Fair Fighting: How to Keep Your Head in the Middle of a Heated Argument

January 29, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

You’re seeing red. You’re in the middle of a heated argument with your spouse when the gloves come off:

  • Do things get ugly?
  • Are you screaming your head off?
  • Does the argument veer off the original topic until you’ve covered just about everything you’ve ever been upset about?
  • Do you follow your partner around the house because you just have to finish the discussion now?
  • Do you bring up the things you know will most hurt your partner?
  • Are you so angry that you forget the kids are within earshot OR right there witnessing the whole thing?

Our feelings ARE intense, particularly in the middle of an argument. Anger seems to take over, compelling us to do and say things we’d never say otherwise. When our emotions are in full swing it’s almost as if we can’t think straight. In fact, this isn’t far from the truth. When emotions fire from the most primitive part of our brain, the thinking functions of our logical neo-cortex are compromised. We go into fight or flight mode. The rational part of our brain no longer works in its full capacity and our cognitive skills aren’t fully functional.

Sometimes the rational side does peek through while all this is going on, even if it’s a fleeting thought such as:

  • I’m acting like a 3 year old!
  • I’ve lost control of myself.
  • What were we originally arguing about?
  • If anyone else knew I get like this, they’d be shocked.

It’s important to know that all partners get angry with each other at times. Anger is an intense emotion that is okay to feel, just like all of our emotions. However, we need to make a distinction between feeling anger and acting on it. All feelings are okay, but not all actions are.

In moments of anger, the adult in you must stop the three year-old in you from acting out. Since you want things to be different in your relationship, you must act differently. You must deliberately choose what to do and say, even when you’re enraged.

This is why we all need ground rules around fighting. This is even more important if you grew up seeing abusive or violent arguing. Here are the rules for fair fighting:

  • Don’t name call or curse. Talk about your anger directly. Say, “I’m enraged at you right now!”
  • Don’t leave or hang up abruptly.  Exit like an adult with, “I can’t talk about this right now. I’m too angry. I’ll be back in (give a time.)”
  • Don’t chase your partner around the house. Give him/her the space needed and talk about it later when you’re both calmer.
  • Don’t bring up all the other incidents you’re still upset about. Learn to say, “That’s a different topic for another discussion.”
  • Don’t let things get physical. Stay in control of your body and if that feels too hard to do, get yourself into anger management treatment.

And most importantly:

  • Start couples counseling so  you can both learn to discuss issues calmly.

Next time you’re in an argument, choose one rule to adhere to. You NEED to control yourself. That means finding FAIR ways to handle any anger between you and your partner. Remember: if you want your relationship to get better, you must begin to do things differently.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

 

Reactions: How Your Own Responses May be Adding To Your Relationship Troubles

November 7, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

When you’re upset, do you tend to pull yourself inside or express yourself outwardly? Do you clam up or rain down imaginary hail on everyone around you? Which is your ‘go to’ reaction? And, could your reactions be making things worse? What you say or do may be ADDING TO the conflict and REDUCING the passion in your relationship.

If you pull energy inward, you may…

  • become quiet or mumble
  • make your body smaller by cowering
  • move behind something
  • leave the room
  • appear unaffected
  • block out what you’re hearing
  • construct a protective shell

If you expand energy outward, you may…

  • get louder or shout
  • make your body larger by standing up
  • use big hand and arm gestures
  • pace or stomp around the room
  • have an urgent need to talk about the issue NOW
  • follow or chase your partner around the house to get things resolved

Whether people contain their reactions or react outwardly, it is often because INSIDE they’re upset, frustrated or any number of painful feelings such as hurt, fear, rejection, or jealousy. We often have painful feelings because one or more of our needs are going unmet.

Needs such as…

  • being heard and validated
  • being understood and empathized with
  • getting affection and sexual stimulation
  • feeling valued and important
  • being loved and cared for.

Now, think about it from your partner’s perspective: if your reactions are any of the above, you may, in fact, be interfering with getting your own needs met. Here are a few examples: It’s going to be extremely difficult for your partner to validate you when you’re screaming. It’s also going to be difficult for your partner to understand you if you’re not telling her/him what you’re upset about. It’s going to be difficult for your partner to reach out to be affectionate if you are stomping around the room. Likewise it’s going to be difficult for your partner to express caring if you’re blocking out what’s being said.

In other words, your reaction may be ADDING TO the conflict and REDUCING the passion in your relationship. You may be getting in your own way and preventing yourself from getting your needs met and therefore contributing to your relationship troubles! How can you avoid doing this?

Next time you feel yourself getting upset, try to step back and think. What’s upsetting you?
Is it a need you have that’s not getting met? Then take it to the next level by asking yourself: “Will my reaction help me get that need met or will it ensure the opposite – that I don’t get that need met?”

You CAN control your reaction to a large extent. If you normally react inwardly and keep a neutral expression, make sure your partner sees that you feel hurt. If you normally clam up or leave, make sure you speak up (in a non-attacking way) and let your partner know what you are feeling. If you normally react outwardly and become louder, larger or more intimidating, try to react in a less dramatic fashion, so that your partner hears you and gets your point. This will give your partner the chance to see your needs and meet them rather than pushing him/her away. Don’t let your own reactions increase the conflict and reduce the passion in your relationship. You can create a happy, loving relationship where your needs are being met.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center, call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com and use our online scheduler.

Open to Love: Freeing Yourself From Being Protected, yet Isolated

December 14, 2011 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

Let me tell you a story I heard from a gifted Imago therapist and trainer named Maya Kollman.  The story is about a woman who loves walking on the beach.  The woman’s bare feet sink into the warm sand with each step. Without shoes, she feels free and natural.  The woman walks like this every day, until she steps on a sharp shell and cuts her foot.  The woman is surprised.  Her foot is bleeding and it hurts.  The next time she walks on the beach, she wears flip-flops to protect her feet from shells.  After several days, the side of her foot brushes against a beached jellyfish.  The woman’s foot stings and itches.  So, the next time she walks on the beach the woman wears sneakers.  This works for several days, until the woman stubs her toe on the rocks of the jetty.  Frustrated, the woman decides to wear boots for her walks on the sand.  She has been hurt so many times and she has finally found a way to keep her feet safe.  However, the woman has become so concerned with protecting her feet that she has lost the wonderful experience of feeling the sand beneath her feet and between her toes.  She misses feeling the texture, coarse and dry or silky and cool, and she misses feeling the connection to nature. Read More

Words Are Crucial: How Speaking Your Unfiltered Thoughts Could Be Impacting Your Relationship

June 9, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Words have so much power.  Depending on how we use them, words have the power to inspire, to hurt, or to heal.  Notice what you say to your partner.  Are you saying words that support and inspire your spouse?  Are you using words that soothe and heal him/her?  Or are you using words that criticize or shame your partner?

We often fail to consider the impact that our words have on others because we spend so much time talking.  We think that our words don’t really matter, or won’t have much of an effect on anyone else.  The rationale is, “I talk all day.  Each thing I say doesn’t really have that much of an impact on others.”  Put that together with the fact that most people are poor listeners and it’s easy to convince ourselves that our words won’t have a very big impact on someone else’s life.  However, this is not true.  Our words DO make a difference to others. Read More

Stopping Triangulation: How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Involving a Third Person in Your Problems

February 9, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Most of my clients have some kind of challenge in their relationships with others. The struggle may be with a spouse, a friend, a family member, a co-worker, a child, a neighbor, or a landlord. No matter who the struggle is with, we often discuss what someone else said or did and how my client felt hurt or angry about it during our sessions. When we dig deeper, many times I find that a big part of the problem is triangulation. Triangulation is when a third person gets involved in a conflict. It might feel good temporarily, but it will hurt you in the long run.

Think of an imaginary triangle of three people. An issue may come up between two of them: maybe something one person said or did that upset the other. Triangulation occurs when one of the two individuals involved in the issue ‘invites’ a third person into the debate or argument. By ‘invite’ I mean talks to the third person about the individual they have the issue with or talks about the issue itself. The original issue has little or nothing to do with the third person! The problem here is when we use this as a way to vent our feelings. Read More

What Was THAT All About?! Why Your Partner is Freaking Out Over Nothing and What You Can Do About It

August 10, 2010 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

Being upsetHave you ever seen someone have a very strong reaction to something that seems minor?  From your perspective, you’re wondering what the big deal is.  Why are they getting so upset?
Of course, this happens all the time in marriage and other intimate relationships.  We see our spouse “freak out” over something small.  Often, we don’t even know what triggered their anger or upset.  When one partner witnesses the other get upset about something that seems trivial, it can be very confusing.  Many times, people in my office will tell me that their partner got very upset – and they had no idea why. Read More

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