Archives for life

How Saying ‘No’ to Others Can Mean Saying ‘Yes’ to You and Your Relationship

December 12, 2013 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Your boss asks – or rather pressures – you to work this weekend. A deadline is quickly approaching and your contribution is crucial. But, you already had plans with your family. You feel stuck choosing between your job and your family.

Your parents or in-laws seem to make plans for you most weekends. It’s either some social function, asking you to help them at their house or just expecting your company. You wonder why your time has come to be determined by other people.

It can be hard to say ‘no’. Life presents many requests and demands on our time: career, household, parents, kids, in-laws, committees, groups – the list goes on and on. When you say ‘yes’ but really wanted to say ‘no’, you often end up feeling guilty, defeated and resentful. Sometimes even signing up for the fun things we WANT to do can leave us feeling overwhelmed!

So, how do you say ‘no’?

First, you (and your spouse if you’re married) must create time to reflect on what is truly important to you. Before you can live the life you long to have, first you have to create it in your minds. Then, write it down. Once you have this mission statement in writing, it will serve as a guide for making everyday decisions.

  • What do you value?
  • Where do you want to invest your time and energy?
  • What brings you joy and meaning?

Second, notice your initial, gut reaction when someone makes a request of you. Your very first feeling can be very telling.

  • Does your heart sink?
  • Do you feel inspired and excited?
  • Do you dread telling your spouse?
  • Are you eager to tell you spouse?

Third, learn the ‘YES, NO, YES’ response. Use this when you want to say ‘no’ but are finding it difficult. The first ‘YES’ is about being true to what you (and your spouse) really value. When you are asked to do something, go back to your mission statement. If your boss is asking you to work this weekend but you have plans with your family, see what’s in your mission statement about this. Does it say, “We spend time together as a family doing what we all enjoy”? That’s what you’d be saying the first ‘yes’ to: ‘Yes’ to yourself, ‘yes’ to your relationship and ‘yes’ to your family.

The ‘NO’ is declining a request. This is hard for many people. It takes courage. Often, when it’s difficult, we acquiesce and then feel resentful or angry. Sometimes, we get verbally aggressive because we believe it’s the only way people will listen to us. However, it is possible to say ‘no’ calmly and respect the other person when it’s sandwiched between two “YES’s”.

The last ‘YES’ is a ‘yes’ to the other person. Although this isn’t your obligation or responsibility, it’s a gesture of caring. It’s a way for you to maintain your boundaries while offering another option. For example, suppose your in-laws expect you to cut their lawn because it’s getting harder for them to do it themselves, but you and your partner want to veg out at home after a long workweek. In this case, your last ‘yes’ could be offering to call a lawn maintenance company for them.

It IS possible to say ‘no’ to the things you really don’t want to be doing. Actually, this is a crucial skill: to know ourselves and what’s truly important and then to lead our lives in accordance with those values. The ‘YES, NO, YES’ response will help you and your partner to accomplish this.

To find out more, come work with us here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, emailgetsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.comor go towww.couplestherapycenterofnj.com

When Your Relationship Feels Flat: How Humor Can Help

January 25, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

HumorIs the fun, light-hearted side of your relationship missing?  Do things feel dull and blah between you and your partner?  Do you have more fun with people other than your spouse?   Have things felt this way for a while?  It’s likely that things were dramatically different at the beginning of your relationship: it used to be fun.  You used to love being together, touching, talking and kissing.  You used to play and laugh with each other.  But, not recently.  You don’t know where that side of your spouse went.  Come to think of it, you don’t know where that side of YOU went!

And as much as you may not feel like laughing when things are this dull and distant, humor can really help your relationship.

  •  When was the last time you kidded around with your partner?
  • When was the last time you shared an inside joke?
  • When was the last time you were both bent over in hysterical laughter?

There is tremendous value in bringing that fun, humor-filled attitude back into your life.  Humor connects people.  Sharing jokes between you brings you closer and helps bond you.  In addition, laughter helps us to see our lives more clearly.  Sometimes we need a reminder that BOTH difficulty and joy exist in our relationships.  It can be challenging to keep joy and playfulness in your heart when your relationship is going through difficulties.  Remember though, that your relationship does have joy and goodness even in the midst of hard times.  Life offers us plenty of moments of quirkiness, ironies,and absurdities.

Start by laughing at yourself.  As humans, we make plenty of mistakes.  There are so many idiosyncracratic things about each of us.  Keep in mind that I’m not talking about self-deprecating humor; humor in which we put ourselves down.  Instead, imagine that you can see yourself from another angle: a funny, jovial or playful way of seeing yourself.

Joke, laugh, and have fun with your partner.  Be aware, though, that joking with your partner can be tricky.  It’s a slippery slope to mocking and shaming. Teasing can easily turn to ridicule.  We might try to excuse it away by saying, “It’s only a joke!” or “Can’t you take a joke?”  However, some teasing is really criticism deeply disguised, so you have to be mindful about how your partner might feel.  The goal here is to use humor to bring you and your partner closer to each other, not an opportunity to put your partner down.  You don’t want to create more resentment and distance.

Find something neutral to introduce the humor back into your relationship.  Laugh together at things you both find funny.  It could be:

  • the silly things your kids do and say
  • a hilarious show or movie
  • a comedian whose humor you both like
  • something absurd that happened at work
  • a funny website
  • your pet’s curiosity and reactions to things
  • playing with your kids and your pets

Bringing laughter back into your lives can help change the tone of your relationship. 

To find out more about how having fun together can help to bring you closer, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.  Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com 

Being Thankful: How It Creates Happiness

December 12, 2011 by admin in Giving Thanks | Leave a comment

During difficult times, it’s easy to lose sight of the positive aspects of our lives and focus solely on what’s going wrong.  This can be because what’s going wrong is right in our face, demanding our attention.  There is, however, a great deal to be gained from paying attention to what is good in our lives, especially during more difficult times.

Focusing on the things we are thankful for is important since the things we pay attention to grow in importance.  When we spend time thinking about what we are grateful for, we’ll notice these things appearing more frequently in our lives.  Noticing things that make you happy will automatically increase your feelings of pleasure and appreciation. Read More

The Importance of Sex in Marriage

November 14, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Remember the intensity of sex at the beginning of your relationship?  Sex was fun, passionate and, likely, more frequent than it is now.  The fact that this romantic stage of relationship fades is a normal, and certainly disappointing, course of a committed relationship.  Once the intensity wears off or the frequency dies down, you may view sex any number of ways: as something you miss, something you no longer have the time or desire for, or something you’re relieved not to have to do. Read More