Solving the Most Common Relationship Issues: My Partner Doesn’t Emotionally Support Me

July 18, 2019 by admin in Emotions, Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Does this situation sound familiar to you? You have a terrible day at work, which includes making a mistake your boss noticed and having a disagreement with a co-worker. You come home feeling exhausted, frustrated, and concerned about your job security. You can’t wait to talk to your partner about your bad day so they can make you feel better. But as you relay your experience, you are met with “you’re just overreacting and feeling worried for nothing. Stop being crazy, it will be fine.” If this experience sounds familiar, you aren’t alone. Many couples are struggling to meet their partner’s emotional needs. Often, it isn’t coming from a place of bad intentions, but rather lack of knowledge.

Think about what we learn about emotions from our culture. People are expected to be one of two things-neutral or happy of course! But the reality is, as humans, we can all feel a wide spectrum of emotions -sadness, fear, disappointment , frustration…just to name a few. It can be hard to see someone we love feeling these difficult emotions. We want our partner to be happy. How can couples respond in a way that’s emotionally supportive?

-Moderate Your Own Emotions-While we want our partner to support us, as mature adults we are responsible for managing our own emotions. If you are feeling highly escalated, think about some ways you can bring yourself back down to a calmer place before approaching your partner. Take a walk, listen to some soothing music, pet the dog-whatever activity helps deescalate you. Once you are feeling calmer, you will be in a better place to seek the support you need from your partner.

-Be clear with your needs-It’s easy to feel confused at times about what exactly your partner needs from you when they vent about their emotions. I know in my marriage there are times when I simply want to “vent” without any advice from my partner, but there are times I am seeking his advice. When I became frustrated with him for doing the wrong thing, he once said to me “well how am I supposed to know if this is one of the times you just need to vent?” Great question! Let your partner know how exactly they can emotionally support you. Be clear in your communication with phrases like “I just want someone to give me a hug and tell me they’re sorry I’m feeling sad.”

-Validate each other-The skill of validation is a tough one, but one of the most important ones you will use in a healthy relationship. Validation is simply saying to someone “you make sense to me.” Often, we do the opposite. We invalidate each other’s feelings with statements like “you are just being crazy” or “you worry too much”. This happens because we wouldn’t feel that way if we were in that situation. But validation does not equal agreement! While you may not feel that emotion in that particular situation, that doesn’t mean it isn’t a valid emotion for your partner. Knowing that your partner has their own lens with which they view the world, try to understand that they have a different perspective and are entitled to their own feelings. The more you can validate your partner, the more likely your partner is to feel emotionally supported (and the more likely you are to receive it in return).

Learning how to be an emotionally supportive partner and learning how to seek the support you need are crucial skills for staying connected to your partner! For more information, or help with these skills, contact us for an appointment at 908-246-3074 or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Making Summer a Time to Connect With Your Spouse—And Your Kids!

June 21, 2018 by admin in Uncategorized | Comments Off

Summer brings longer days and brighter sunshine. In books and movies, it’s a time for love- spending days relaxing and taking romantic strolls. The reality may look a little different for parents. As a parent, I feel very torn this time of year. Part of me is singing Hallelujah at the thought of no more rousing sleepy children up for school and fighting to get homework done. But the other part of me is thinking about months with little routine and kids who may be bored and constantly hungry!

With some creative thinking, summertime can be quality family time you may be missing during the school year AND quality time with your partner in different ways than you can during the winter months.

Take advantage of warm weather and go outdoors- Do something fun with your partner, like playing mini golf, hiking, dining on an outdoor patio or renting a jet ski together. Take a similar creative view and find family activities that you can only do in the summer-visit a water park, head to the beach or go to an outdoor concert.
Take advantage of less running- Throughout the school year, our time tends to be filled with the practicalities of homework and chauffeuring. The summer can bring a break from all that. Enjoy more leisurely family dinners on weeknights without having to eat in between activities. Take the kids to a farmer’s market and try a new fruit or vegetable. Extra time with your partner can allow for coming home from work when it is still light outside and do something as simple as sitting out in the backyard and catching up on your day.
Take the vacations with and without the kids- Enjoy a family getaway at places with a range of activities (from roller coasters to museums) so family members with different interests find something each one likes. Living in the northeast corridor affords lots of opportunities for spouses to visit a winery, a historic site or the city.
On a rainy day, stay home and look through old photos and have an indoor ‘picnic’. Take out family albums and tell your spouse or kids about where you grew up and what activities your family did. Put your digital photos up on the TV and view the more recent ones on a big screen. Then spread out an old blanket or tablecloth on the living room floor and have an indoor ‘picnic’ free from ants!
Allow each family member to have a say in the activity or alternate choosing the activity. It’s possible to unconsciously cater to one child’s needs and interests and the rest of the family gets dragged along. Each day let a different family member choose the activity or put out options to vote on (and the parents make the final decision). Explain that a family is a system that needs to work together to function at its best – each member can sometimes lead and sometimes follow, but always with a positive attitude.
Allow for miscommunication and mishaps. Having expectations can cause disappointment when the reality doesn’t live up to what we envisioned. Taking that one step further – we often don’t verbalize these expectations to the other(s) so they have no idea what we had in mind! No wonder arguments can break out in the middle of something that’s supposed to be fun. Communicate ahead of time and be adaptable when needed. Keep your focus on the fact that everyone’s safe, healthy and you are all together. After all, that’s the whole point

Mindfulness in Relationships: Advanced Couples Techniques

May 15, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Mindfulness has been a buzzword lately. It means being in the present moment – noticing where you are, what’s around you and what you’re feeling. It’s being aware of what’s right here, right now without judgment, without wishing it were different in some big or small way.

I’m going to show you how mindfulness applies to relationships, but first let’s start with some examples of the opposite of mindfulness. Not being mindful would be thinking about (and perhaps, regretting) the past or planning (and perhaps, anxious about) the future. You might be staying in the present, but instead of taking it for what it is, be caught up in your own narrative (or the meaning you make of) the present event. It can be distraction, only half paying attention or wishing this moment was over to get to the next moment. Pause to consider how often you may do that last one. It could be begrudgingly loading the dishwasher so you can ‘get to’ sitting on the couch, or wishing you weren’t standing on line and you were already at the counter, or watching the clock at work so you can ‘get to’ the end of the day. All these are examples of ways we can individually not be mindful.

In my work with couples, I’ve expanded the concept of mindfulness to apply to relationships. It’s an advanced concept because it stretches people not only to be present in the moment with their partner, but to do so without judgment of one’s partner. Judgment here means longing for them or the situation to be different in some big or small way.

One type of the opposite of mindfulness in relationships is wishing your partner was different in behavior or character. Here are some examples: You and your partner are sitting on the back deck sipping wine together but you’re wishing he/she would talk more. You and your partner are texting while at work and you wish he/she would send you loving/sexy texts without being prompted. You’re affectionate and like having sex but dislike that it only happens if you initiate. Your partner makes a nice dinner but burns the garlic bread. You think your partner works too much, talks to much, eats too much and so on. All these are examples of wanting him/her to be/do something else than they are presently.

Another type of the opposite of mindfulness in relationships is being caught up in your own narrative, or your interpretation of the present event. Here are examples of this: Your partner says they don’t have time today to investigate a billing error you found and you say to yourself “She never makes time for things that take effort.” Your partner forgets something important you told her and you say to yourself “She never pays attention when I tell her something.” Your partner is out for the evening and doesn’t return your text and you say to yourself “I wonder who she’s really with.” All these are examples of not taking what your partner is saying or doing at face value, but instead allowing your thinking to layer on a story, or narrative, over it. Often, this thinking comes from past occurrences (you’re bringing the past into the present moment) or from future concerns (bringing the future into the present moment).

What if you could be in the present moment in interactions with your partner without judgment and without bringing in the past or future? It would mean you’re accepting of him/her as they are right now – an imperfect human being (as we all are). You would be aware of, and okay with, what IS occurring rather than what (according to you) SHOULD BE occurring. This is, of course, excluding abuse. I’m not implying you should be okay with being abused. Putting that aside, mindfulness in relationships would mean noticing what your partner is doing or saying right here and right now and being at peace with it. You would feel centered and calm with the current reality because you are no longer wrestling against it (either silently or aloud). This would require you to find your center and your sense of peace in order to handle what life (and your partner) presents in that moment. In other words, if you are able to say calm and focused in the present, it will be easier to accept your partner’s actions or words, simply for what they are.

It’s important to remember that being mindful does not negate that you still may have specific needs you would like your partner to meet. You can still make requests of your partner. The purpose of marriage is to grow into our best selves and (if we’re not too highly defended) our partner can be our best critic because they know us very well and still love us. You can both continue to ask for what you’re needing and wanting, but the key is to be okay if your partner cannot, or is not yet ready to, give that. They might be ready in the future, but for now, you can be in the present moment with him/her without judgment. Think of what a gift this would be to your relationship – to love and accept one another as we are now. It’s what we’re all longing for as humans – to be known and, despite having faults, still loved.

Make Your Relationship Your New Year’s Resolution

January 16, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

It is a New Year and a great time for self-reflection, growth and making positive changes in our lives! It also becomes a great time to look at our relationships, and see how we can make them more satisfying and stronger. Often, when we reflect on how to improve our relationship we focus on our partner. Haven’t we all made comments like “If only my husband would help more around the house, things would be so much better between us.” Or “If my wife could just be more interested in having sex than sleeping, our relationship would be great!” We erroneously think that in order for our relationship to improve, our partner should be doing things differently.

One of the first concepts we teach couples when they come to our office is “Stages of Relationships” from Imago Relationship Therapy. While it may be at different paces, almost all couples will go through various stages over the course of their relationship, beginning with Romantic Love and moving into the Power Struggle stage-the one that usually drives them to seek therapy. Regardless of the power struggle that is occurring and causing them difficulty in their marriage, there is a pattern of blame that is usually happening. Each partner is focusing outwards, pointing fingers and wanting to tell us all their partner is doing wrong, or not doing right! When we begin moving them on the next stage “being committed to working on the relationship”, a key factor is to move the focus from outward to inward. In order for a relationship to improve, each partner needs to look at their own contribution to the relationship, and how their actions are affecting the relationship. Below are three things YOU can do in this new year to improve your relationship.

Improve your speaking and listening skills-While it’s no secret that relationships need good communication, we often don’t pay attention to how we speak to our partner or how well we really listen. When you want to talk about something that your partner is doing that is bothering you, ask yourself how you speak to your partner about it. Think of the difference in these two statements—“You never appreciate anything I do around here!” OR “I would like to talk to you about something. Is now a good time? I have really been feeling unappreciated lately and when I do things around the house, it would make me happy to hear you express your thanks.” Imagine the defensive reaction you may get from the first statement as opposed to the willingness to listen you may get from the second.
Practice gratitude and appreciation for your partner-Just as couples love to come into our office and talk about all the things their partner is doing wrong, they are also generally talking a lot about these grievances at home too. So often in relationships, we spend so much time talking to our partner about our frustrations with them, we forget to ever tell them the things they do right. Expressing the things we love and appreciate about our partner goes such a long way in improving a relationship, and strengthening the fondness, affection and connection. Plus, neuroscience is now showing us that the brain reinforces neural connections that get used often. So, if you’re noticing and remarking positive behaviors, that is what will grow in importance to your brain thus making you feel better. When you’re more positive, your partner is highly likely to make positive changes (consciously or unconsciously) as well.
Look for more ways to connect with your partner-In therapy, we teach how to “bid (or ask) for connection”. Think about how you connect with your partner. Do you ask to spend time together? Do you call or text during the day just to check in and see how their day is going? Do you do nice gestures for your partner, such as picking up their dry cleaning on your way home? Do you reach out to touch or hold your partner? Connection can be done in so many ways; it can be verbal or non-verbal. We need to think outside the box about doing more than just the occasional “date nights” or special celebrations on Valentine’s Day and anniversaries and, instead, look for ways we can connect with our partner on a daily basis. These daily connections, even thought they may seem small, are what keeps a solid foundation of friendship, love and intimacy strong in our relationship.

If you’re ready to focus on what you can do to improve your intimate relationship, call us at (908) 246-3074 or visit our website www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment. We’re here to help you create the best relationship possible this year.

Validation Does Not Equal Agreement

November 18, 2017 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Has your partner ever said to you “You’re being too sensitive”, “It’s silly to feel that way”, or “Don’t be sad, just cheer up.”? Often, responses like these to our partner’s emotions are said out of caring and a desire to make our partner feel better. After all, when we love someone, we never want to see them feeling sad, angry, or disappointed. But, in saying these things, we are missing out on the opportunity to do something that can make a relationship so much stronger and more satisfying—we are missing the opportunity to validate our partner!

Validation means telling your partner you understand. It’s phrases like “I get it” or “You make sense” or “I can see your point”. It’s simple to do, but many couples get caught in the traps that prevent validation from happening. One of the biggest obstacles is that people assume that validation equals agreement. Yet, this is not the case at all. Let’s look at an example: A couple is having a discussion about their child wanting to go to college out of state. The mother feels she should stay closer to home because she is concerned she will be too homesick and not able to come home as easily. The father feels it will be good for their daughter and allow her to gain some independence. Think about the reaction the father may get if he says to his wife “You are being ridiculous for worrying. Of course, she will be just fine.” Although his intention would be to get his partner to stop worrying, it likely has the effect of making her feel dismissed or as if her feelings are unimportant. In contrast, consider this validating statement –“I can understand your concern about her being so far away; she tends to get homesick when she is gone”. Can you see how this statement would make his wife feel very differently? It is likely that with this validation, it would help to make his wife feel heard and understood. While the husband disagrees and feels completely differently, he can still relay his understanding of his wife’s feelings. (NOTE: He did not say “You’re right” or “I agree” or “Yes, she should stay in state”. THOSE would be agreements.) Validation communicates that we are accepted and understood for our point of view, even if there is not agreement or a decision.

Since validation seems easier said than done, here are some tips on engaging in this important pattern of communication:

Listen for the sake of listening-Listening is a skill that takes practice. But in order to validate, we need to be sure we are listening effectively. Very often, when we listen to our partner, we are thinking about what we want to say in response. By doing this, we prevent ourselves truly hearing our partner. Try putting your own thoughts and opinions on the back burner while your partner is speaking and listen just for the sake of listening. This will allow for more understanding of your partner’s viewpoint. In addition, being fully present while listening is equally important. Be sure to put down the phone, turn off the television and provide your partner with your full attention.

Try to put yourself into your partner’s shoes-Validation requires you to look at the world from your partner’s lens rather than what we are used to doing, which is viewing it from our own. We all have biological differences, personality differences and past experiences that affect the way we view present issues. If you are disagreeing with your partner about something, it is likely because you both are viewing it from your own lenses. When you are able to look at it from your partner’s lens and be willing to see it how they may see it, it allows for you to validate it. Again, you may disagree, but be able to say a validating statement such as “You make sense to me” when understanding our partner’s viewpoint.

Validation is a skill, like many others in a relationship, that will take practice. But it enhances closeness, lets defenses loosen and fall away, and paves the way for coming to a solution you both can feel good about. It’s not easy, but it can have a powerful, uniting effect. If you and your partner need help with this skill, or other relationship skills, please feel free to call us at 908-246-3074 or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

The ‘Bad’ Emotions: What to do with Anger & Sadness

September 15, 2017 by admin in Emotions, Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

by Meredith Keller & Debby Deroian

Some emotions have a very bad reputation! Sadness, fear, shame and jealousy are all considered negative and things we ‘shouldn’t’ feel. We get these messages from society, from mass media and from our families (both when growing up and presently). The reality is that no emotion is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ because humans are endowed with the ability to feel ALL emotions. They can serve to process loss, to keep us safe and to guide us to do the right thing. The trick with painful emotions is in HOW you express (or act on) them. In this article, we’ll focus on anger and sadness.

It was our parents or caregivers who originally taught us (intentionally or unintentionally) how to deal with ‘bad’ emotions. How often have you heard a parent say to a crying child “Don’t cry. It will be okay”? Or how about when a child expresses fear and we say, “Don’t worry; you have nothing to be afraid of”? As parents, we don’t do this with malintent, of course. We don’t want to see our child sad, afraid or in pain because we experience the pain alongside them. But, what many parents fail to realize is: by trying to prevent our children from experiencing any painful emotions, we are only hindering their ability to learn how to deal with them effectively. One thing is certain; they will feel a variety of feelings throughout their lives, no matter how much we try to protect them.

Consider a scenario where a child is crying and a caregiver handles it in a different way. “I understand why you feel sad about your friend being mean to you.” This statement sends out a completely different message: “It’s okay to feel what you feel and I am with you right now”. Taking it one step further, the parent could help the child come up with a course of action such as “Let’s go together to talk to your friend and his/her parent about what happened.”

Regardless of how we learned to manage our emotions, as adults we are faced with feeling a wide range of them, and being able to manage them in healthy ways is key to strong relationships. So what are some ways we can manage our emotions when they arise?

-Find constructive ways to deal with them, not destructive

Anger is a great example. Let’s say we are angry at our partner for forgetting our birthday. If we have never learned how to manage anger in a healthy way, we may approach our partner with harshness or berating. OR we don’t speak to them for days. This certainly doesn’t remove our anger; in fact, it tends to have the opposite effect of fueling the anger. On the other hand, we could go to our partner and say, “I want to let you know I am really angry that you forgot my birthday.” Think about how the outcome might be different. Speaking aloud your feelings or writing them down are constructive ways to deal with them.

-Learn how to self-soothe

This is again, a hard thing as adult to know how to do, especially if we had the caregivers who jumped in to try to make us feel better immediately and weren’t comfortable with our painful emotions. While it is important, especially in relationships, for our partners to validate our emotions, we are all ultimately responsible for being able to manage our own emotions in a healthy way. Learning techniques, such as relaxation, breathing, connecting with a Higher Power, or any method that allows you to deescalate will be incredibly useful in relationships, and all aspects of our daily lives.

-Check in with yourself to see if you are expressing the emotion underneath anger

Often, we mask one emotion with another (because one might be more acceptable or ‘easier’ to feel than another). Let’s look at the above example of our partner forgetting our birthday. We may feel really hurt. But hurt or disappointment may be emotions we don’t think we should have a right to feel. We may tell ourselves “I’m being silly. It’s only a birthday and I’m sure he/she just had a busy day and forgot.” But since we don’t want to allow ourselves to feel the hurt, we allow it to come out as anger instead because anger is a less vulnerable feeling than admitting we are hurt. It would be okay to say, “I was hurt and disappointed that you forgot my birthday this year.”

Managing our emotion is a skill that, like many others, can be learned in adulthood and practiced. If you’d like help in learning how to manage your emotions, please contact us at 908-246-3074, or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment. We are blessed to have the privilege of helping people like you lead more peaceful, centered lives. We look forward to hearing from you.

Why Is It Couples Come to Hate the Very Trait that First Drew Them To Their Partner?

May 24, 2017 by admin in Divorce, Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Imagine a love story where opposites attract: the popular guy becomes drawn to the shy bookworm, or the rich sophisticated woman falls for the hardworking blue collared man. In the movies, the ending is always the same-the couple brings out the best in each other with their opposite qualities and they live happily ever after. But for many couples, the trait that first drew them to their partner becomes a source of friction between them later on. Can the old adage “opposites attract” transfer into a solid, long-lasting relationship?

The reverse would seem to be closer to the truth: we want a partner who is similar, who has the same likes and dislikes, who enjoys the same activities. Yet, for many couples, they were drawn to a partner who has traits that are in fact opposite of theirs. In my and my husband’s story, I was first drawn to his athletic ability. It was exciting and not an ability I thought I had. With him, I was now mountain biking, rock climbing and going to the gym – things I had never done before and, turns out, I love doing. This is why we often hear new lovers say “He/she completes me!” They’re being exposed to new ways of being. These differences are so attractive in the beginning stage of a relationship when you feel loved and accepted. When we’re feeling connected and cherished, we are open to newness and dissimilarity in our loved one.

But often, that fondness for difference doesn’t last. The relationship naturally moves out of that beginning phase and into a stage of challenge and difficulty. At some point, and unintentionally, I began to resent my husband spending time doing sports. It became the source of arguments between us. The very quality/talent/trait I once found so endearing had become a source of conflict. I was angry that he spent so much time cycling and working out. Why the change? Because in this difficulty stage, we are, at times, feeling challenged, hurt, lonely or scared (for reasons not connected to any trait). The relationship feels SO different from how it used to. And when we have these painful feelings, we unconsciously revert to our old ways of coping and our old ways of behaving in the world. For me, it was to return my focus to academics and career. At this stage, that characteristic in our partner is threatening, not exhilarating, because that trait wasn’t something our parents encouraged in us as children. We can come to hate the very trait we used to love in this person.

I overcame this by trying to understand my husband, turning my attention toward what this was bringing up in me and by changing my perspective. I thought about the role athleticism played in his childhood – it was a source of joy and his escape from a not-so-great adolescence. For him, it was more than just going on a ride – he did it to feel good and feel accomplished. Next I had to explore myself – I was discouraged from doing many sports and adventures as a kid. My parents balked when I asked to play ice hockey (granted, it was the 70’s and not the young-girl-power movement we’re seeing today). From numerous experiences like that, I learned it’s not emotionally safe (and wasn’t developed in me) to be athletic and adventurous. When feeling hurt as an adult, I turned to what had felt emotionally safe (what had been accepted by others) and turned away from the trait my husband exemplified. Lastly, I changed my perspective. I realized that my husband has been modeling for me an aspect that needed to be developed in me (athleticism) AND I came to know its value (to take care of my body with exercise and to have fun and excitement). After a long journey, and many of my own therapy sessions spent talking about this, I am grateful. He has been showing me all along how to do something I need to develop in myself.

Here are how opposites can have successful long-term relationships:

-Understand how this trait operated in your partner’s childhood or adolescence

-Reflect on what messages you heard growing up about this trait and whether it was emotionally safe to do or not

-Consider how this trait is a good and valuable one that you may need to develop

If differences in personalities are causing you difficulty in your relationship, we can help you implement these strategies, as well as others, to create a mutually satisfying relationship for both partners. Please feel free to call us at 908-246-3074, or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

How to Handle Different Parenting Styles: “I’m Tired of Always Being the Bad Guy”

January 19, 2017 by admin in Family, Marriage, Relationships | Leave a comment

Image result for images of parenting styles

One of you thinks spanking is necessary at times and the other thinks there’s never a justification to hit

One of you thinks kids need a good amount of discipline and the other thinks kids learn best in a loving environment

One of you thinks kids need to have chores and the other thinks kids should be allowed to be kids

One of you wants to track your child’s phone and the other thinks kids are trusted until proven wrong

If these disagreements in your relationship sound familiar, you aren’t alone. Many couples may hold similar values and morals, but simply have different parenting styles. Of course you and your child’s other parent are going to have different ideas – you were raised in different homes, maybe in a different city/culture/religion and definitely by different parents! While your personalities may mesh well in other aspects of your relationship, often simply having different personalities create very different types of parents, with different ideas of how strict or lenient children should be raised.

These differences can cause couples a lot of distress, where arguments abound and tensions run high. This is especially true if one parent is always feeling like they need to act as the disciplinarian or the ‘bad guy’. Sometimes the other parent then becomes the ‘fun parent’. Anger and resentment can easily build if this becomes a pattern.

The good news is that different parenting styles is not always a bad thing! The good cop/bad cop routine can work well for couples at times, and often, a good balance can be found between a stricter parent and a more laid-back parent. With some simple tips, you can find this healthy balance, and turn your different parenting styles into a positive for you and your family.

Develop the ability to carve out time to talk about these topics WHEN YOU ARE NOT PRESSED TO DECIDE AND AWAY FROM THE KIDS-To help eliminate the ‘bad guy’ and ‘fun parent’ roles, having these conversations away from the kids will allow you to come to an agreement on decisions and then present a united front.
Try to be flexible with your point of view-Get more information about healthy parenting from books, blogs, your child’s teachers/guidance counselors, and other reliable sources. Share what you find with your partner without pressuring them to comply. There isn’t only one right way to parent, and the more both partners can be flexible and open to trying different parenting techniques, the more likely you can be to strike a happy balance that both partners can live with.
Get into your own therapy- Spending time exploring the issues that being a parent may be triggering in you will be worthwhile. People bring their own upbringing and childhood into all aspects of their adult lives especially parenting, and you don’t want to blindly act out your issues on your kids. While the level of discipline that occurred in your household growing up may have worked well enough, that doesn’t mean it was optimal. Remember every child is also different and may not respond the same to different methods of discipline.
Begin couples therapy focusing on parenting- Couples counseling will give you a safe place for these discussions. You will both gain an understanding of where the other’s views came from. This leads to empathy and caring, which moves couples closer to each other. It’s from this closer vantage point that parents feel more like partners.

You may find that with some work and time, your parenting differences will be a helpful thing for your partner- the strict parent may learn to loosen the reins just a little bit, and the laid-back parent may find that sometimes more discipline is necessary and appropriate. While you don’t always have to be on the same exact page on every discipline matter, seek to find a healthy balance.

If you have are having trouble with opposing parenting styles in your relationship, we can teach you how to implement these tips and have productive conversations about these issues. Call us at 908-246-3074, or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com. Doing it sooner rather than later could save your years of unnecessary hassle and make your current relationship stronger than ever.

Receiving Love From Your Partner: It May Be Closer Than You Think

February 6, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Does the love/caring seem to be missing from your relationship?

Do you suspect that you both still love each other even though you don’t show it?

Many couples still have love between them even though it may not be apparent on a daily basis. In so many relationships, the love is buried under layers and layers of unresolved issues. If you look really hard you can see it, even if the only evidence is that your partner is still with you, contributes financially or loves your kids. If deep down you still love and care about your spouse, but lately all you see are the hurts between you, we can help.

In our intimate relationship, both joy and hurt are part of the journey. Yet it is our natural reaction to pull away from the things that hurt us, whether they are physical or emotional. Although it is extremely scary to be vulnerable to these hurts, the alternative is even worse: isolation. While others can’t hurt us when we isolate ourselves, we also are not open to the love and caring that is being shown to us. This is a profound paradox. Our hearts are protected, but they are also closed to receiving love.

So, how do we open ourselves to love in a relationship that sometimes hurts? We must uncover the love that has been buried. Start by recognizing it. The love may be difficult to see, but it is likely that there are ways your spouse is expressing it in her or his own way. It may be directly or indirectly shown through:

Saying “I love you”
Spending time with you
Buying gifts or small trinkets when he/she is thinking of you
Doing a task for you such as making your coffee just the way you like it
Going to work everyday
Being a good parent to your children
Making love to you

Allow yourself to notice the things he/she is doing or has done that communicate his/her love. Be mindful that his/her way of showing you love may be quite different from your way of showing love. Acknowledge the goodness that exists right here and now. It is closer than you think. By opening yourself to love, you will feel the divine joy and closeness that you deserve. And what greater pleasure is there on this journey than to love and be loved?

To learn how to open yourself to receiving love, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

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