Archives for summer

Making Summer a Time to Connect With Your Spouse—And Your Kids!

Summer brings longer days and brighter sunshine. In books and movies, it’s a time for love- spending days relaxing and taking romantic strolls. The reality may look a little different for parents. As a parent, I feel very torn this time of year. Part of me is singing Hallelujah at the thought of no more rousing sleepy children up for school and fighting to get homework done.  But the other part of me is thinking about months with little routine and kids who may be bored and constantly hungry!

With some creative thinking, summertime can be quality family time you may be missing during the school year AND quality time with your partner in different ways than you can during the winter months.

  • Take advantage of warm weather and go outdoors- Do something fun with your partner, like playing mini golf, hiking, dining on an outdoor patio or renting a jet ski together. Take a similar creative view and find family activities that you can only do in the summer-visit a water park, head to the beach or go to an outdoor concert.
  • Take advantage of less running- Throughout the school year, our time tends to be filled with the practicalities of homework and chauffeuring. The summer can bring a break from all that. Enjoy more leisurely family dinners on weeknights without having to eat in between activities. Take the kids to a farmer’s market and try a new fruit or vegetable. Extra time with your partner can allow for coming home from work when it is still light outside and do something as simple as sitting out in the backyard and catching up on your day.
  • Take the vacations with and without the kids- Enjoy a family getaway at places with a range of activities (from roller coasters to museums) so family members with different interests find something each one likes. Living in the northeast corridor affords lots of opportunities for spouses to visit a winery, a historic site or the city.
  • On a rainy day, stay home and look through old photos and have an indoor ‘picnic’. Take out family albums and tell your spouse or kids about where you grew up and what activities your family did.  Put your digital photos up on the TV and view the more recent ones on a big screen.  Then spread out an old blanket or tablecloth on the living room floor and have an indoor ‘picnic’ free from ants!
  • Allow each family member to have a say in the activity or alternate choosing the activity. It’s possible to unconsciously cater to one child’s needs and interests and the rest of the family gets dragged along.  Each day let a different family member choose the activity or put out options to vote on (and the parents make the final decision).  Explain that a family is a system that needs to work together to function at its best – each member can sometimes lead and sometimes follow, but always with a positive attitude.
  • Allow for miscommunication and mishaps. Having expectations can cause disappointment when the reality doesn’t live up to what we envisioned.  Taking that one step further – we often don’t verbalize these expectations to the other(s) so they have no idea what we had in mind!  No wonder arguments can break out in the middle of something that’s supposed to be fun.  Communicate ahead of time and be adaptable when needed.  Keep your focus on the fact that everyone’s safe, healthy and you are all together.  After all, that’s the whole point

Save Yourself From An Argument On Your Next Vacation

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Imagine: you and your partner have planned a trip to a great summer destination. You each pack your own bags, arrive together, and unpack when you get to your room. Your bag contains: books, boardgames, movies, candles, an eye mask, massage oil, and an assortment of teas. You’ve been looking forward to lazy days lounging around indoors so you can unwind on this trip. You look over as your partner unpacks her bag and can’t believe your eyes! Her bag contains: a snorkel, flippers, sport glasses, daypack, hiking boots, cycling shoes, shorts & helmet. What?!

Now your thoughts begin to run wild: “She isn’t planning on spending any time with me this trip. She prefers doing activities to being with me. She’s here to enjoy the locale, not to enjoy MY company. How could she not know we’re here to lounge and RELAX?!?” Maybe your partner’s thoughts begin to run wild as she can see what things you’ve packed. She may be telling herself: “She isn’t planning on spending any time with me this trip. She prefers lounging around to being with me. She’s here for R&R, not to enjoy MY company. How could she not know we’re here to have fun exploring TOGETHER?!?”

What can get generated by this stuff we’re telling ourselves? Feelings! Both partners may come to feel hurt, disappointed, concerned, sad, annoyed. And if there’s any similarity between this scenario and your childhood, this situation is being exacerbated by your history of past hurts. And all this on a vacation you’ve spent effort and money to make happen!

Not verbalizing what you’re thinking BEFOREHAND, gets couples in alot of trouble. In addition to the time it takes to plan your trip, book your flight, & arrange for the house to be taken care of, add in time to talk about your expectations. Touch on…

• When we first arrive, I want to…
• During the trip, I’d like to…
• It’s not a big deal to me if we don’t get to…
• My intention for this vacation is…
• How you and I can enjoy each other’s company is…
• I imagine how much time we’ll spend with others vs. by ourselves is…

A 30 minute conversation before you leave could save you from conflict, arguing, and hurt feelings when you’re there. It will allow for more time for what you’ve traveled for: to enjoy each other, to relax and/or feel excited, and to reconnect with yourself.

Summer’s Coming: What Are You Going To Do With Your Kids??

The weather is warming up quickly.  Summer camp registration is well underway.  Before you know it, the pool will be open and it will be time for the beach, picnics and barbeques.  It won’t be long before your kids come home from school shouting, “School’s out for summer!!”

Do those words bring you a feeling of excitement and happy anticipation as thoughts of summer stretch out before you?  Or do they bring you a feeling of dread?

For many of us, knowing that we’ll have to help our young children and teens occupy the long days of summer can be daunting.  It can be a source of worry, stress and tension.  For the next two months, you will be expected to play the role of events coordinator to your children – who seem to feel entitled to fabulous vacations, extravagant daytrips, specialty camps, and movies – all arranged for and paid for by you!  Maybe you have a teen who needs to get a summer job and is dragging his/her feet.  Perhaps you dread the expected and all-too-common refrains of,  “I’m bored.  There’s nothing to do.  I don’t want to go outside.”  Then again, maybe it’s the inevitable bickering between siblings who are together all day that makes you cringe.

In addition to these unpleasant prospects, you’d like it if your children’s brains didn’t turn to mush over the 10 weeks of summer vacation.  How do you get them to read or practice some type of academics?  On top of that, you still have your own responsibilities.  How are you going to get your own work done?!  Is it possible for you to enjoy the summer with the kids home from school?

You CAN enjoy the summer with your kids.  It does take a healthy dose of planning and patience.  Try some of these ideas:

  • Invite your kids to try a hobby or sport that you enjoy, like golf or cycling.  Pick something that you can do together.  That way you’ll be having fun alongside your kids.
  • Make time for yourself to get things done AND to relax and recharge. Schedule dinner or drinks with friends, or perhaps a weekend away, to ensure you have time for both work and play.
  • Structure your days at home with the kids.  Set a routine so that you spend mornings reading together on the couch, make time to go to the pool after lunch every day, or take a regular evening walk after dinner.  The school year/day is highly structured and that works well for kids.  Make sure you implement some structure into your summer too.  That way the kids will know what to expect and will relax into the routine.
  • Hire help. Take advantage of neighborhood teens who are looking for extra income and have more time over the summer.  You can hire them at a moderate cost to provide temporary or long term childcare or household help.
  • Involve your kids in planning larger trips.  Research vacations, day trips or activities that are within your budget and then have each child choose one or more of their favorites and put it on the calendar.  Knowing that some bigger fun is planned can help kids get through the days at home.
  • Check community resources.  Many communities provide fun options that can be entertaining and economical when money is a concern.  Do you have a town pool?  Does the recreation department offer summer camp?  Perhaps your library has free programs for children.  How about the local churches?  You can enrich your child’s religious education by enrolling them in one or more vacation bible schools.
  • Swap with other parents. Set up a regular schedule or agreement where each parent takes a turn watching all the kids so the other parent(s) can have time to themselves.  Your kids will have built-in social time with playmates and you’ll have time to focus on your own tasks – or just relax!

To learn more about how to make summer fun for the whole family, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.

Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com