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We Tried Couples Therapy and it Didn’t Work!

March 5, 2020 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Therapist | Comments Off on We Tried Couples Therapy and it Didn’t Work!

Did you try couples therapy hoping things would get better but instead they got worse? Did the session devolve into the same argument or you were deeply hurt in the session? Does couples therapy even work? If previous efforts to use couples therapy have been unsuccessful, our hearts go out to you. You took a risk to try to get help and instead were met with disappointment, maybe even judgement. Are you not wanting to go through that again but don’t know where else to turn for help? As specialists in couples work, we have a few things for you to consider…

First, did you choose a therapist who specializes in couples work? As in all fields, therapists have a range of specialties and capabilities. How do you know which therapist is skilled? Too many well-meaning therapists who have only been trained to work with individuals agree to see couples. They may invite their client’s spouse to join in the sessions OR the client may request their partner comes in. The concern with individual therapists is the therapist may not be knowledgeable about the complicated dynamics in long-term relationships. They know how to validate and empathize with individual clients but not know how to handle the interactions between a couple. They may not know how to redirect couples headed toward an argument, or assist couples with communicating effectively about conflict. They may not know to go underneath the content, identify the meaning this subject has, and address it at that level. Perhaps they don’t realize the need to develop good interactions that currently exist between them, such as friendship and intimacy, or recognize the importance of fondness and admiration in a healthy relationship. There are many skills necessary in treating couples versus treating individuals, so it is crucial to look for a specialist in couples work. Things to ask a potential therapist…

· Do you have specific training in marriage and relationships above and beyond your master’s degree?

· Do you hold a certification in one or more couples therapy methods, if so, which one(s)?

· Do you let couples argue during the session in order to see how they interact?

· Do you teach couples skills in communication and positive interactions?

Second, did you choose a therapist who uses an evidenced based approach? An evidenced based theory is one which has been thoroughly researched and shown to be effective. At Couples Therapy Center of NJ, we use the Gottman method, which is backed by decades of research by Doctors John & Julia Gottman to be effective with working with couples. One of Gottman’s key finding (that’s been replicated many times over in the literature on couples) is: couples need a ratio of 5 positive to every 1 negative emotion expressed during a conflict. The Gottman Method specifically addresses this by teaching couples to successfully repair a conflict and exit the negative-affect state early, before it becomes a problem. When choosing a therapist be sure to ask…

· Which couples therapy theory do you use?

· What is the research showing it’s effectiveness?

Third, did both people start the therapy willing to improve the relationship? For some couples, one client may be ambivalent about the relationship – not sure they want to repair things. In those cases, our therapists here help the couple to talk through their dynamics in a productive way and to identify what each person brings to the relationship (the good and the bad). It is through this process of exploration that the couple comes to their own conclusion about whether they want to repair and stay together. For other couples, one partner is already ‘checked out’ of the relationship and intends to divorce. In their mind, that partner wants to be able to say “We tried everything to save the marriage – even couples counseling.” In these instances, no amount of skill on the part of the therapist or research done on the therapy style can overcome an unwilling client. At our center, during the first meeting, we ask each partner to say what results they’re hoping for from couples therapy. It becomes clear at this point what each person’s agenda is. If the couple is ambivalent but agrees to continue couples meetings, the focus changes to improving their ability to communicate and how to help their children. When choosing a therapist, ask…

· How do you handle if one partner is ambivalent about the relationship?

· What if my partner says they don’t want to repair things?

If you had a bad experience in couples therapy, we feel for you and hope that asking yourself these questions gave you more insight into that process. We hope you’ll consider this process again, this time being sure to ask the above questions of a future therapist. Ultimately, couples therapy can be an experience that leads to incredible growth and happiness in your relationship.  If you want to work with therapists who specialize in relationships, please reach out to us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or 908-246-3074.

I Don’t Just Want a Therapist-I Want an Effective Therapist!

October 21, 2018 by admin in Relationships | Comments Off on I Don’t Just Want a Therapist-I Want an Effective Therapist!

Perhaps you’re looking for a therapist  to work with. But how do you know who is good? As in all fields, therapists have a range of ability and capabilities. How do you know, as the person calling, who is effective or who has specific training and focus? Today we are providing two tips to help with the process. First, look for a therapist who uses an evidenced based approach, which mean the theory they follow has been thoroughly researched and shown to be effective with the populations served. For example, here at our center we use the Gottman method, which is backed by decades of research by John & Julia Gottman to be effective with working with couples. The other method we use is EMDR, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. and that method too has decades of research, showing its effectiveness healing people with trauma or intense loss or grief in their past.

The second thing to look for and ask about – is this therapist committed to honing their skill in one or two specific areas of specialty? Above and beyond our master’s degrees, therapists are required to get continuing education units each year, and they can choose to focus all those units on one specialty. You want a therapist who has really homed in on, and studied thoroughly, and has a lot of training and practice on one or maybe two area of specialty.  I would caution you to be hesitant when a therapists list 6 or 8 specialties. Two at the most are what a therapist can become very skilled in. Ask them- do you have a certification to work with a specific type of client or use a specific type of therapy to treat a certain problem.

These are the two things to look for and ask about when searching for a therapist-are they using an evidence based approach and does that therapist have additional education, maybe even a certification to work with the problems that you are needing help with. We hope this is helpful and good luck with your search to connect with a therapist!

Hurt By Hearsay? How Therapy Rebuilds Your Sense of Safety

September 29, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

close-up-18753_1280Gossip – sometimes it seems we’re surrounded by it.  We hear it all the time.  It glares at us from nearly every grocery store headline.  Have you seen so-and-so’s new haircut?  What was he/she thinking?  And what about those two?  Can you believe they did that?!

On the surface, gossiping can seem like harmless, idle chatter.  It goes on all the time – and not just on the newsstands.  I’m sure we’ve all been in a situation where the conversation turned to pointing out the flaws or misfortunes of others behind their backs.  But think twice before you chime in – gossiping about someone else can hurt YOU, in ways you may not even suspect.  Believe it or not, gossiping about others leads to unease, insecurity, and even to deciding not to trust anyone ever again.

Initially, sharing negative information about someone else can make you feel close to the person you’re talking to.  But, deep down you know that he/she has the capability to talk hurtfully about you when you’re not around.  The temporary closeness you feel is not true intimacy.  In fact, there’s very little closeness here.  Being genuinely connected to another person involves each person sharing their feelings ABOUT THEMSELVES, not feelings they have about another person.  If this is the way your family communicated when you were growing up, it’s likely you rarely had a sense of relationships being safe and trustworthy.

And don’t forget the flip side of gossip.  Sadly, almost all of us have had some time in our life when WE were the one who was being talked about.  Think back to how you felt: mildly embarrassed, completely betrayed, hurt, humiliated, mortified?  Whether we are the one doing the talking or the one being talked about, gossip chips away at our sense of trust, safety, comfort, and security.

If you find it hard to trust that others won’t turn on you, or if you have ever been betrayed or gossiped about, it can be a huge relief to talk to a therapist who is bound by law to keep sessions confidential . For some, the experience of safety and trust they feel with their therapist is quite new.  Not only are therapists bound by law to do this, we also WANT to keep what you say confidential.  We want to give you the experience of feeling secure and knowing that you will not be mocked, made fun of, or talked negatively about for something you said, did, or thought.

Once you feel this genuine security that therapy can provide, you can begin to open up.  Finally, there is someone you can share your inner world with.  What a relief to talk about the thoughts you have rarely, if ever, verbalized! Your therapist will be there for you to share the feelings you really feel about people and situations.  But this is not done with the intention of bad-mouthing someone else. Instead, it is done with the intention of learning about yourself and why that person triggers an intense reaction in you.  As a result, you will learn to handle these situations better in the future.

Feeling safe to finally open up to someone again is both powerful and beautiful. It sets the stage for you to put an end to feelings of insecurity, to learn to banish toxic talk, and to learn to trust again.

Don’t you deserve to create this type of relationship for yourself again?

Maintaining a happy, healthy, long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world.  Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results.  Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily.  The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help.   We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships.  We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you?  No problem!  We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment.  Don’t wait any longer.  Start making positive changes today.

What Your Therapist Won’t Say: Keeping it Confidential

September 8, 2014 by admin in Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

719 office chairs for couplesCan you keep a secret?  For many people, keeping something confidential can be quite difficult.  Think back – was there ever a time when someone confided in you and you had a hard time keeping it private?  Or how about a time when you trusted a close friend or family member with a secret of your own, only to discover that your secret had been revealed?  Having your confidences exposed in this way can be devastating.  It can leave you feeling embarrassed, hurt, and betrayed.  Sadly, some people make the decision not to trust anyone ever again.  That decision may leave you feeling protected, but you also end up feeling isolated.  Therapy offers you the chance to try trusting again.  Because your confidences are protected legally and ethically, anything you discuss with your therapist will stay between you.  Your secrets ARE safe here and this is very valuable and healing on many different levels.

When you begin therapy here at Couples Therapy Center of NJ you will sign a ‘Consent to Treat’ form.  This simple form spells out the legal mandate regarding patient confidentiality – but in reality, it is much more.  Client confidentiality is not simply an ethical and legal mandate, but it is an emotional pact you are making with your therapist.  This pact has VAST healing potential in and of itself and lays the foundation of trust which your relationship with your therapist is built upon.  From here, your sense of safety will grow and your healing can begin.

For some of you, this confidentiality clause marks the first time someone has agreed to keep private what you tell him/her and you know they will actually do it!  This is not just because your therapist is bound ethically and legally to keep your confidences, but also because your therapist WANTS to protect your privacy.  Your therapist here at Couples Therapy Center of NJ knows that you deserve to feel safe and protected.  So many of us have not had that in our past.

A good therapist truly longs to help you and to give you new, positive experiences of being in relationships.  Keeping your confidences is one way to do that.  There ARE people in the world who are safe and trustworthy and we want to be that person for you.  It’s possible that your therapist here may even be the FIRST person in your world you grow to trust and feel safe with.

The safety and trust you begin to develop with your therapist will also touch you on a deeper level.  It’s not just that your therapist will keep what you tell her/him private, but that she/he will still accept you, even knowing about your deeper thoughts and feelings.  If you’re like most people, you have things about yourself that you don’t like or accept.  Most people feel shame or embarrassment about some aspect of their emotional world, their thoughts and fantasies, or their bodies.  When we feel shame, we tend to keep those parts of ourselves hidden from the world because we’re convinced that others won’t like them either.  We believe that others would reject us if they knew certain things about us.

Many times we don’t feel safe telling someone else what is going on inside of us because we fear we’ll be mocked or talked about.  We may not even feel comfortable telling our spouse!  Instead of letting our true self shine through, we put up a façade and show others little of our true selves.  Therapy gives us a chance to share our real self, slowly, step by step.

With a therapist, one can slowly test the waters.  You can tell your therapist one smaller aspect about yourself to see how the therapist reacts.  When your therapist reacts with calm and understanding, you will learn that this part of you is accepted by another.  It’s a huge relief to be accepted by someone who comes to know you more deeply.  Now these areas of shame inside can begin to heal.  The confidentiality, safety, and trust between a client/couple and therapist can start the healing process.  From this beginning, couples will grow and heal until they, too, create a cocoon of safety and trust where they can share their innermost selves with one another.

Maintaining a happy, healthy long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Does Your Relationship Feel Difficult? Let Us Guide You Through This Stage And On To Create an Even Better Relationship Together

July 20, 2014 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

head-316654_640Do you sometimes wonder if you married the wrong person?  Have you asked yourself: How could I have been so clueless?  Why didn’t I listen to my friends (or my mother) who warned me?  What was I attracted to, anyway?  When the difficult stage of a relationship hits, people think they should…

  • change their partner (nag, beg, manipulate, demand, threaten)
  • stay in an unhappy marriage and get fulfillment elsewhere OR
  • leave.

Couples therapy offers a third option: to guide you through this difficult, but expected, stage so you grow and mature as individuals and as a couple.  It’s a chance to work through these difficulties, to re-create the relationship so you’re both better at giving and receiving love and to find new and better ways to communicate.  

People commonly think one was either lucky/smart and chose a ‘good partner’ or one was unlucky/stupid and chose a ‘bad partner.’  Turns out it’s way more nuanced (and unconscious) than that!  The reality is that we were drawn to our spouse because they were at the same level of development we were back then.  We’re supposed to not only love, but also be in conflict with this person because the conflict points to the areas we most need to work on.  Oh, why aren’t we told to expect this challenging stage BEFORE walking down the aisle!

So, you’re in this difficult stage that all relationships get to – what do you do now?

  • Take good care of your body with exercise and enough sleep and healthy food  – you’re not the greatest spouse, either, when you’re less than healthy.
  • Connect with a therapist (your former one or get started now) – you need support and guidance to move forward.
  • Make time for sex and fun as a couple – it will help you weather this difficult stage and remind you why you got together in the first place.
  • Become curious about your role in the relationship – how do you act out that adds to the conflict or distance between you two?
  • Get a new perspective – realize that the conflicts are an opportunity to learn and grow.
  • Refresh your communication tools – it’s likely they’ve gotten sloppy after months or years with the same person.

Maintaining a happy, healthy long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world.  Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results.  Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily.  The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help.   We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships.  We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you?  No problem!  We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment.  Don’t wait any longer.  Start making positive changes today.

The FIRST Step in Getting What You Want

June 30, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Events, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Couple Having BreakfastWhen I first talk to clients about how to set goals I am always met with strange looks and disbelief.  The conversation usually begins with people telling me what’s not going well in their lives, what’s difficult for them, or what they have too much or too little of.  I always ask them, “What do you want instead?”  Often, just naming what they do want is a stretch for people.

I ask them to describe to me, being specific and using plenty of detail, what they want. I hear things like, “I want to trust my spouse again.”  “ I want to land a great job.”  And “I want my kids to listen to me.”  We then take these statements and make them a lot more specific.

For example, “I want to trust my spouse again” becomes “I want to feel calm and loved when my spouse is talking to or texting someone I don’t know.”  “I want to land a great job” becomes “I want to be offered a job in my career with a great salary and benefits in a city I want to be in doing what I love to do.”  “I want my kids to listen to me” becomes “I want my kids to hear my directions and calmly, directly follow through with what I just asked.”

Now come the strange looks and disbelief: I instruct clients to put that same statement in the present tense.  Say it and write it as if it’s happening NOW – even if it isn’t.  Why is this important?  Because what we tell ourselves unfolds in our lives.  So, if your goals are stated in the future tense, they will remain in the future.  You will always be striving or longing for them.  Those goals now become “I DO feel calm and loved when my spouse is talking or texting someone I don’t know.  “I AM offered a job in my career with a great salary and benefits in a city I want to be in doing what I love to do.”  “My kids HEAR my directions and they calmly, directly follow through with what I just asked.”

Go ahead and write your own goals down.  They can be about any area of your life.  Make them specific, positive, and in the PRESENT (as if they are already happening).  It may feel awkward because you’re writing things that haven’t happened yet.  My response to that is that it’s okay to feel awkward.  There’s no harm in doing it anyway.  Then, put the goals away someplace special.  You can choose to read them again if you wish, but you don’t have to: the power of goal setting is that you have first created in your mind what you long for in your world.  Everything we do and have was first created in our mind.  This exercise does that for you.

Goal setting in this way is EXTREMELY POWERFUL, even though it appears benign and inconsequential.  Write your own goals down today.  Then, be patient and watchful for clues and you’ll see them unfolding in your life!

Of course you will still take action on these goals: many small steps taken one at a time.  But you’ve done the most basic and important piece first by setting out for yourself exactly where you’re headed!  When you know where you’re headed, you are SO much more likely to get there.

To learn more or schedule an appointment call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

What Makes Your Therapist Tick?

June 16, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

images1When people learn that I’m a therapist, they often ask me how I can spend all day listening to other people’s problems. Many people imagine that my job is very difficult and draining. For some people it might be, but it’s not that way for me. I do this job because I love it. I was drawn to doing this type of work and it’s perfect for me. Why?

Because I notice people and their relationships. I can feel what they’re feeling. I can feel their painful feelings and I know how to help them feel better. I may be in a restaurant and notice a couple at another table who haven’t said more than two words to each other the whole meal. I can see the discouragement and disconnection on their faces. The passion and excitement is gone and I feel for them.

I notice how couples talk to one another. I recognize the small jabs they take at each other as criticisms disguised as jokes . I can feel how much it hurts them to be criticized by their partners and have to be ‘on guard’ in front of them. I also hear some couples’ constant bickering. It’s almost as if their only way to communicate is to argue or debate over every little thing. There’s a tension that goes along with always debating with someone. People who are always challenged don’t feel free to say what they’re really thinking for fear that their partner will take issue with it.

People tell me about their compelling need to check up on their spouse: reading their texts or emails and looking at their call log for evidence that their love is elsewhere. It is so unsettling not to be able to trust your spouse, who is the person you love most in the world and who is supposed to love you back.

I also see couples who spend most of their free time apart. Their interests lie outside of their marriage to the point that they hardly do anything fun and enjoyable together as a couple. I feel the loneliness and distance they feel in their marriage.

And then there’s divorce. Divorce is so painful. There is so much loss. There is the loss of the life you built together, the loss of the dreams you shared for your future, the loss of the person you once were deeply in love with, the loss of friends and the loss of your partner’s family. There is the financial setback as well, which includes the astronomical cost of the divorce proceedings and the cost of running a household with no other adult. There is the impact on the kids to consider. Divorce can feel devastating for children who long for their parents to be together or who feel caught in the middle of warring parents. Kids can feel uncertain and anxious after their world has been turned upside down. Kids feel the grief and sadness of their family breaking apart. Many people think things are going to be better once they divorce. In reality, it can take years to recover and feel okay again.

If you see yourself in what I’ve described, I want you to know that I feel what you feel. I can help you. I know that it doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to continue to feel these things. I know how to help with these problems. In fact, I love helping people with these problems and knowing that I’ve been part of their recovery process!

I give you the understanding and empathy you have been longing for. I give you the information that you need about how to deal with your difficult feelings and how to be a better spouse. We talk about what you want in your life and how you can take steps to get it. To finally get it! My work is so rewarding in this way. That’s why I do what I do. And it’s not just me. Here at the Couples Therapy Center, I have very carefully selected therapists who are similar to me in their ability to be understanding, empathetic, to feel what others feel, to have the same outlook on clients and know how to help them as I do.

To schedule an appointment call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Stopping Triangulation: How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Involving a Third Person in Your Problems

June 2, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

people-154111_640Most of my clients have some kind of challenge in their relationships with others. The struggle may be with a spouse, a friend, a family member, a co-worker, a child, a neighbor, or a landlord. No matter who the struggle is with, we often discuss what someone else said or did and how my client felt hurt or angry about it during our sessions. When we dig deeper, many times I find that a big part of the problem is triangulation. Triangulation is when a third person gets involved in a conflict. It might feel good temporarily, but it will hurt you in the long run.

Think of an imaginary triangle of three people. An issue may come up between two of them: maybe something one person said or did that upset the other. Triangulation occurs when one of the two individuals involved in the issue ‘invites’ a third person into the debate or argument. By ‘invite’ I mean talks to the third person about the individual they have the issue with or talks about the issue itself. The original issue has little or nothing to do with the third person! The problem here is when we use this as a way to vent our feelings.

This is what talking behind someone’s back is all about. Let’s say it starts when you take issue with what someone said. You then ‘invite’ a third person in by talking about it with them INSTEAD of talking directly to the person you had the issue with.

This feels good temporarily because it gives you a chance to vent your feelings and feel understood by someone else. And putting someone else down is a means of getting revenge.

Triangulation, however, is NOT helpful in the long run. It complicates the original problem because now another person’s thoughts and feelings are involved. More importantly, it denies us the means to solving the issue. The best way of solving an issue is talking directly to the person who hurt or angered us. So, what do you do instead?

First, realize who the issue is really with. Identify which two people the original debate, hurt or anger is between.

Second, don’t ‘invite’ a third person into the discussion (in other words, don’t triangulate). It is OK, and quite beneficial, if you do choose to talk to a very specific 3rd person: that person being your therapist. It is a therapist’s job to help you figure out your personal relationships. Talking to your therapist is different from triangulation because the therapist’s intention is to help you decide how you’re going to resolve the issue. Your therapist will offer you tools and ideas for solving the problem and your therapist will encourage you to talk directly to the person involved in order to get it worked through.

Are you not in therapy, but you can see how you triangulate? Sorting this out is one of the many benefits of being in a supportive therapy relationship. We are here to help you find solutions to your problems.

Call us at  908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to find out how we can work with you to find tools and ideas that will help you productively work through the issues in your relationships.

What Your Therapist Won’t Say: Keeping it Confidential

July 9, 2011 by admin in Therapist | Leave a comment

Can you keep a secret?  For many people, keeping something confidential can be quite difficult.  Think back – was there ever a time when someone confided in you and you had a hard time keeping it private?  Or how about a time when you trusted a close friend or family member with a secret of your own, only to discover that your secret had been revealed?  Having your confidences exposed in this way can be devastating.  It can leave you feeling embarrassed, hurt, and betrayed.  Sadly, some people make the decision not to trust anyone ever again.  That decision may leave you feeling protected, but you also end up feeling isolated.  Therapy offers you the chance to try trusting again.  Because your confidences are protected legally and ethically, anything you discuss with your therapist will stay between you.  Your secrets ARE safe here and this is very valuable and healing on many different levels. Read More