Archives for want

The FIRST Step in Getting What You Want

June 30, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Events, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Couple Having BreakfastWhen I first talk to clients about how to set goals I am always met with strange looks and disbelief.  The conversation usually begins with people telling me what’s not going well in their lives, what’s difficult for them, or what they have too much or too little of.  I always ask them, “What do you want instead?”  Often, just naming what they do want is a stretch for people.

I ask them to describe to me, being specific and using plenty of detail, what they want. I hear things like, “I want to trust my spouse again.”  “ I want to land a great job.”  And “I want my kids to listen to me.”  We then take these statements and make them a lot more specific.

For example, “I want to trust my spouse again” becomes “I want to feel calm and loved when my spouse is talking to or texting someone I don’t know.”  “I want to land a great job” becomes “I want to be offered a job in my career with a great salary and benefits in a city I want to be in doing what I love to do.”  “I want my kids to listen to me” becomes “I want my kids to hear my directions and calmly, directly follow through with what I just asked.”

Now come the strange looks and disbelief: I instruct clients to put that same statement in the present tense.  Say it and write it as if it’s happening NOW – even if it isn’t.  Why is this important?  Because what we tell ourselves unfolds in our lives.  So, if your goals are stated in the future tense, they will remain in the future.  You will always be striving or longing for them.  Those goals now become “I DO feel calm and loved when my spouse is talking or texting someone I don’t know.  “I AM offered a job in my career with a great salary and benefits in a city I want to be in doing what I love to do.”  “My kids HEAR my directions and they calmly, directly follow through with what I just asked.”

Go ahead and write your own goals down.  They can be about any area of your life.  Make them specific, positive, and in the PRESENT (as if they are already happening).  It may feel awkward because you’re writing things that haven’t happened yet.  My response to that is that it’s okay to feel awkward.  There’s no harm in doing it anyway.  Then, put the goals away someplace special.  You can choose to read them again if you wish, but you don’t have to: the power of goal setting is that you have first created in your mind what you long for in your world.  Everything we do and have was first created in our mind.  This exercise does that for you.

Goal setting in this way is EXTREMELY POWERFUL, even though it appears benign and inconsequential.  Write your own goals down today.  Then, be patient and watchful for clues and you’ll see them unfolding in your life!

Of course you will still take action on these goals: many small steps taken one at a time.  But you’ve done the most basic and important piece first by setting out for yourself exactly where you’re headed!  When you know where you’re headed, you are SO much more likely to get there.

To learn more or schedule an appointment call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

You Want It? You’ve Got It! Learn How To Ask For The Things You Want

January 2, 2014 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Most people are good at complaining and making negative comments about the things they aren’t happy with. It’s so easy to nag, pressure, nitpick and criticize. The critical comments roll off our tongues so easily. We often make them without giving them a second thought. Think about it – how many times have you voiced a complaint out of frustration? How often have you grumbled a comment at your spouse or partner like, “You’re never home?” When you stop and think about it, will that comment make your spouse want to be home more often? Most likely it will not. Asking for what you want in a different way can have dramatically different results – and just might get you the things you are hoping for.

Perhaps we don’t realize that our critical comments won’t get us what we really want. In fact, negative comments, complaints and criticisms are likely to cause arguments and drive our partners further away. How can we change the way we handle these situations so that we get the results we want?

Learn to ask for things effectively. There are three simple steps.

  1. Identify exactly, specifically what you want. (For example, instead of focusing on the fact that your spouse is never home, think of a time you’d like him or her to be home – perhaps for dinner together on Wednesday nights.)
  2. Keep the request brief.
  3. Put it into words so that your spouse is much more likely to oblige. Asking kindly is far more likely to be successful than making an insistent demand would be.

You’ll find that asking for what you want in this simple and direct manner will have wonderful results. Your comments will no longer become a point of contention or cause an argument. Instead, you’ll find that when you stop criticizing and complaining and ask specifically for what you want that you will be far more likely to get it.

Many clients I’ve worked with in the past have found this to be very powerful in areas of their lives where they used to feel powerless. Now they know what they want and can verbalize it. I’ve had clients tell me they’re amazed that now that they ask for things differently from their spouses, their spouses give them much more of what they want. In fact, one of my clients wrote in a testimonial on my website: “I can’t believe it was this easy all along, I just had to ask differently!”

Of course using these three simple steps to ask for what you want is not a magic spell. There will still be times when your spouse says, “no.” Even so, your relationship will benefit. Instead of becoming an argument or cold war, you can both move on. In cases where your spouse won’t or can’t do or give the things you are asking of him/her find a healthy way to get that need met elsewhere.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center, call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com and use our online scheduler to find an appointment right now.

Share Your Passion: Teach Your Children To Love What You Love

January 14, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

children learningWhat is it you love to do?  Are you passionate about a sport, hobby, career or music? As parents, we want our kids to love the same things we do.  We want them to experience the same joy we experience.  Is there a way to make this happen? Can we teach our children to share our passion for something?

It’s likely that you know someone with his/her own passion who has been unable to get his/her kids involved. Maybe the child refuses to try. Or maybe the child participates, and even excels, at something the parents love, but doesn’t really feel any passion for it him/herself. The child might only participate because he/she has been pressured into it or feels it’s one way to get attention and praise.

That’s not what we want for our children. We expose them to the sport or hobby we are passionate about with good intentions: to share our excitement and joy with them. We long for them to feel the same enthusiasm that we do. We want them to incorporate this into their lives as they grow into adulthood. And naturally, we want them to excel at it, to go beyond the limits we reached ourselves.

We cultivate in our children a love for something by making it fun for them. We can do this by ensuring that there’s no pressure to perform or excel in competition.  We can help them enjoy the learning process and teach them it’s okay to make mistakes. We should allow kids to experience our hobby the way that they naturally do, even though this might not necessarily be our way. It’s important to put aside your own agenda and goals. Really notice what your kids are experiencing and respond:

  • Is your child relaxed and laughing?  Great, continue.
  • Is your child getting stressed or tense?  Ask them what help they need and do your best to give it to them.
  • Does your child need a break?  Then, by all means, take a break!  This is not a race or competition.

Your goal at this early stage isn’t to develop her/him into a world class athlete or musician. Your goal is to grow your child’s love for this activity.

If teaching your child has been challenging at times, hire someone else to teach him/her. Enroll your child in a class or program with other children the same age. You don’t have to be the teacher, you only have to expose your child to it and make it a fun experience.

To make things fun for your children, you must also be connected with them. When I say connect with your child, I’m talking about sharing in his/her small accomplishments with enthusiasm, not criticism.  Don’t focus on what needs to be done differently. You want them to feel happy, curious, and eager to try. Here’s how to connect with your child’s learning experience:

  • Notice and comment on times your child is trying his/her best.
  • Give praise when a task is performed correctly.
  • Do the activity yourself so you can model how much happiness this brings you.
  • Attend and watch practices and performance.
  • Don’t check email while you are there.
  • Don’t just drop off and pick up.

Showing interest in your child’s learning experience will show him/her your love for this endeavor and will also show your love for him/her.

To learn how to grow your child’s interests without pushing them too hard, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com 

The FIRST Step in Getting What You Want

May 9, 2011 by admin in Therapist | Leave a comment

When I first talk to clients about how to set goals I am always met with strange looks and disbelief.  The conversation usually begins with people telling me what’s not going well in their lives, what’s difficult for them, or what they have too much or too little of.  I always ask them, “What do you want instead?”  Often, just naming what they do want is a stretch for people.

I ask them to describe to me, being specific and using plenty of detail, what they want. I hear things like,  “I want to trust my spouse again.”  “ I want to land a great job.”  And “I want my kids to listen to me.”  We then take these statements and make them a lot more specific. Read More

Containing Our Emotions: When It’s Helpful To Hold Back

April 9, 2011 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

I usually write about allowing our feelings to be felt, to be talked about, and to be shown. Today, I’ve been thinking about the opposite: containing them – and how to know when to do what!

Containing our emotions means to hold back how we’re feeling from someone else.  It’s what we do when we know something’s going on inside of us because we have a strong emotion(s) about something, but we choose not to let it show on the outside.  We deliberately decide not to say anything.  We choose to stay quiet.  We limit what our face expresses by refraining from rolling our eyes or frowning.  We still our body and do not shrug our shoulders, cross our arms, or tap our feet. Read More