The Art of Gift Giving: The Platinum Rule

November 21, 2011 by admin in Holidays | Leave a comment

Remember hearing the Golden Rule when you were a child? It simply means treat others as you would like to be treated. It is a great standard. Well, it’s since been upgraded to the Platinum Rule. The Platinum Rule means treat others as they would like to be treated. Wow, what a difference! The best way we can treat another is the way they would like! This tenent fits so beautifully with Imago Relationship Therapy. Imago teaches that each person has his or her unique way of seeing the world. One person cannot claim to know what is true for another person until the other person communicates it to us.

What does this have to do with gift giving? A few weeks ago, someone dear to me read aloud an article listing gift ideas for your Valentine. What struck me was: how could we choose a gift for someone from a list written by someone else? Reminds me of the Golden Rule: buying gifts that, to us, sound like a great idea. Read More

Giving Thanks for Your Partner: How Appreciating the Good Can Transform Your Relationship

November 15, 2011 by admin in Giving Thanks | Leave a comment

Are you taking your partner for granted OR, even worse, focusing on what she/he isn’t doing or saying? If you wish your partner would change, and have already asked, pleaded or begged for these changes to be made, it’s time to stop. Not only will this fail to bring about the changes you desire, it will actually hurt your relationship! Instead of focusing on what is wrong in your relationship, taking time to appreciate what is right can dramatically improve the way you feel about your partner AND your relationship.

Lots of us take our partner (and our relationship) for granted. Our significant other is just ‘there’: living alongside of us and doing whatever they do. Or maybe it goes beyond taking him/her for granted. Maybe you’re locked in conflict and actively dislike your partner. You may be reading this and thinking, “Gratitude and appreciation?! For MY partner? No way! Not when she/he doesn’t _______!” Read More

The Importance of Sex in Marriage

November 14, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Remember the intensity of sex at the beginning of your relationship? Sex was fun, passionate and, likely, more frequent than it is now. The fact that this romantic stage of relationship fades is a normal, and certainly disappointing, course of a committed relationship. Once the intensity wears off or the frequency dies down, you may view sex any number of ways: as something you miss, something you no longer have the time or desire for, or something you’re relieved not to have to do. Read More

Different From Your Partner? How This Can Be A Strength Rather Than A Problem

November 9, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Do you sometimes wish your partner acted, thought, or did things more like you? Instead of being frustrated by your differences, it would be a better use of your time and energy to acknowledge your partner’s strengths and find ways they can benefit your relationship.

Everyone has areas of natural talent and areas where they are weaker. However, our society mistakenly emphasizes that we need to excel in most areas, be “well-rounded” or – at the very least – competent at most things. But since humans are meant to be in relationships with others, we really don’t have to be good at everything, or even good at most things. As humans, we’ve always lived in communities. We are interdependent: connected with and relying on one another. Instead of trying so hard to be good at everything, we should focus on using our own strengths in conjunction with our partner’s. Read More

Yikes! Your Partner Is Angry With You: What Should You Do?

October 31, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

You’re making a conscious effort to be more and more mindful lately. You’re noticing what’s going on in the present moment. You’re paying closer attention to your partner and his/her cues. Perhaps you are even making gentle observations about your partner’s behavior and asking him/her about it. Being mindful can really go a long way towards changing old habits in your marriage.

But what’s next? What do you do when your spouse is showing signs of upset on the outside AND tells you they are upset on the inside? And what if his/her upset or anger is about you??

You may have been hoping your partner wasn’t angry with you. Most of us want to sidestep conflict. It’s uncomfortable. Angry people are scary on some level. Read More

Vulnerable Language: An Important Way to Connect With Loved Ones

October 23, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

It is so easy to be careless with our words, even though words have tremendous power to either connect us or distance us from others. Choosing words more carefully can improve communication and result in a closer connection with those we love. A more careful way of communicating is by using Vulnerable Language. Using Vulnerable Language means using words that show our true thoughts and feelings to the listener.

We are vulnerable when we use feeling words such as, “I felt (happy, hurt, scared) when …” Speaking these words allows the listener to see into our internal world. Sharing our feelings with those who respect us can increase closeness and encourage true understanding. However, not every feeling word is vulnerable. Some feeling words, like anger and frustration, are not vulnerable because they keep us distant from the listener. Read More

Focus On Family: Children Need Affection

October 18, 2011 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

We love our children deeply, in a way that is difficult to measure. Much of our time is spent caring for them, thinking of them, teaching them, and helping them grow. Since we invest so much of our time, thoughts and caring in our children, most parents would probably say, “Of course my child knows I love him/her.” But how often do we really express our love and affection to our children?

This month, I’ll focus on one important way of expressing love for our children: appropriate physical affection.

A parent can show affection to their child in many ways, including Read More

Can You Avoid Impending Arguments? How Mindfulness Can Help

October 9, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

You can tell there’s a storm brewing in your relationship. Your partner looks angry – you can see it. You know he/she is getting close to the boiling point. What do you do? Do you leave (or run!)? Do you brace yourself for the fight that’s coming? Do you attack first?

You don’t have to do any of these things. Instead, by being mindful of what’s going on with your partner, you (and your partner) can learn to avoid arguments.

Yes – by being mindful you can help avoid fights and diffuse tension. How? Mindfulness can be used to help bring your attention to the situation before it escalates.

The easiest way to bring your partner’s attention to what you see is to simply comment on what you’re noticing on the outside. You might say: Read More

Finding Holiday Happiness: How To Cope with Feelings of Lonliness and Sorrow

September 23, 2011 by admin in Holidays | Leave a comment

Everywhere we go we are bombarded with advertising and store merchandising in celebration of the holidays. Images of being surrounded warmly by friends and family abound. While these images paint a beautiful picture of joy and the holiday spirit, the reality is that some people feel happy, while others do not. Many people feel loneliness and grief for their losses during the holiday season. Although there is no media blitz shouting it to the world, it is actually quite common to feel sadness this time of year. And denying that you truly feel this way may actually increase your feelings of sadness or inadequacy. For some, trying to avoid these feelings causes depression, anxiety, stress or illness. Others, in response to the massive marketing campaigns with jingling bells and falling snow, try to avoid feelings of loneliness by overcompensating with abundant or expensive gifts. Read More

Old Hurts: How Being Mindful Can Help You Move Past Them

September 9, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

There are many people who think that their past doesn’t have any influence on them today. They may feel this way because their childhood was years or decades ago, or perhaps because they’ve created a different life for themselves now. Others might discount the importance of their childhood on their present because they no longer live with their parents or may have told themselves they moved beyond it. However, it is not accurate to believe our past is completely in the past. Why? Because our crucial development took place in childhood and hurts or events from our past can have a negative influence on our current relationships without us even being aware of it. Read More

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