Stopping Triangulation: How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Involving a Third Person in Your Problems

June 2, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Most of my clients have some kind of challenge in their relationships with others. The struggle may be with a spouse, a friend, a family member, a co-worker, a child, a neighbor, or a landlord. No matter who the struggle is with, we often discuss what someone else said or did and how my client felt hurt or angry about it during our sessions. When we dig deeper, many times I find that a big part of the problem is triangulation. Triangulation is when a third person gets involved in a conflict. It might feel good temporarily, but it will hurt you in the long run.

Think of an imaginary triangle of three people. An issue may come up between two of them: maybe something one person said or did that upset the other. Triangulation occurs when one of the two individuals involved in the issue ‘invites’ a third person into the debate or argument. By ‘invite’ I mean talks to the third person about the individual they have the issue with or talks about the issue itself. The original issue has little or nothing to do with the third person! The problem here is when we use this as a way to vent our feelings.

This is what talking behind someone’s back is all about. Let’s say it starts when you take issue with what someone said. You then ‘invite’ a third person in by talking about it with them INSTEAD of talking directly to the person you had the issue with.

This feels good temporarily because it gives you a chance to vent your feelings and feel understood by someone else. And putting someone else down is a means of getting revenge.

Triangulation, however, is NOT helpful in the long run. It complicates the original problem because now another person’s thoughts and feelings are involved. More importantly, it denies us the means to solving the issue. The best way of solving an issue is talking directly to the person who hurt or angered us. So, what do you do instead?

First, realize who the issue is really with. Identify which two people the original debate, hurt or anger is between.

Second, don’t ‘invite’ a third person into the discussion (in other words, don’t triangulate). It is OK, and quite beneficial, if you do choose to talk to a very specific 3rd person: that person being your therapist. It is a therapist’s job to help you figure out your personal relationships. Talking to your therapist is different from triangulation because the therapist’s intention is to help you decide how you’re going to resolve the issue. Your therapist will offer you tools and ideas for solving the problem and your therapist will encourage you to talk directly to the person involved in order to get it worked through.

Are you not in therapy, but you can see how you triangulate? Sorting this out is one of the many benefits of being in a supportive therapy relationship. We are here to help you find solutions to your problems.

Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to find out how we can work with you to find tools and ideas that will help you productively work through the issues in your relationships.

What’s Your Limit? Find Out How Much Love, Success and Happiness You Can Handle and What’s Stopping You From Having MORE

May 19, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

I recently read a FABULOUS book that I’m eager to share with you. The title is, “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks and it’s chock full of new learnings that can have a profound influence on you. It certainly did for me. According to the book, there is only one thing that is holding you back from receiving more love, success, and money in your life. What do you think that one thing is? It’s the limit you’ve unconsciously created for yourself.

When asked that question, some people will think the thing holding them back is an external situation such as a dead end job or a limited amount of resources. For others, it’s blaming someone else’s faults for their own limitations, like a difficult boss or a shortcoming of your spouse’s. While these may seem like the things that are responsible for holding you back, according to Gay, they are not. What is actually holding you back is not something outside of yourself. It is not caused by your environment and it is not about those you associate with. In fact, and we know this as therapists, what holds each person back is his or her own beliefs – both conscious and unconscious.

Gay calls this the “Upper Limit Problem” and defines it as a glass ceiling you have created for yourself. This glass ceiling limits the quantity of love, success, and money in your life. You are used to living below this ceiling because you’ve done so for many years. Yet when life presents us with more than we are accustomed to and the quantity approaches this Upper Limit, we freak out and do something to sabotage the goodness presented to us.

We are not comfortable with MORE love, money and success than we’ve been used to having. When we sabotage, we do it unconsciously. Perhaps if we’re experiencing love and affection with our spouse as we approach the Upper Limit, we become uncomfortable and pick a fight.

This has happened to me. My husband and I were making the bed together, putting on brand new, very soft flannel sheets. I was delighted to think that in a few hours, we’d be climbing into the softness and comfort. I was also pleased that he and I were doing this task together. In a larger sense, we were working together for the greater good of our marriage and our family. Apparently it was too much goodness for me: rather than say aloud that I felt delighted and appreciative, I picked a fight about something else. Next thing I know, we’re arguing and I ruined a wonderful moment between us. And it happened so fast: I just reacted by picking the fight without thinking through what I was about to say and without noticing that I was feeling good. I had an unconscious reaction as I approached my Upper Limit of how much love I am used to. My Upper Limit Problem was that I stopped myself from receiving the love that was available to me. Unfortunately, many of us do this without realizing it.

Another example you may have heard about is lottery winners. Hendricks writes “One study found that over 60 percent of them had blown the money within two years and returned to the same net worth as before they won the lottery. Add to their financial woes the large number of divorces, family squabbles, and conflicts with friends that lottery winners often experience, and you have a classic example of the Upper Limit Problem at work.”

I also see the Upper Limit Problem with my clients in therapy when I ask them what it is they want in their lives. Often, after clients have talked about what is not going well for them or couples bemoan the state of their marriage, I ask people what they’d like instead. Many, many people don’t know. To use Hendricks’ wording, they are communicating to me, “Meredith, I don’t know what is above my Upper Limit because I’ve never let myself receive that much love, or success or money. I don’t even know what that much goodness would look like in my life.” We need to become aware of what upper limits we’ve set for ourselves so that we can break through our self-imposed glass ceilings and achieve greater happiness. How have you freaked out when more goodness, success or love came your way?

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

What Does It Mean To Love Your Spouse?

April 14, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

In my therapy practice I often hear married couples say, “We’ve fallen out of love” or “I’m not sure I love her/him anymore.” These statements are made with great sadness and a clear sense of hopelessness. The couples, who feel that the romantic love is gone from their relationships, begin to doubt the value of their marriages and question their choice of partners. This sense of doubt is strengthened by the messages society sends about our partner being our soul mate, “other half” or someone who completes us.

In reality, it is normal to experience different feelings for our partners as a marriage progresses. Feelings of caring can seem to fade; at times we may dislike or even hate someone we love. Although these feelings are upsetting and confusing, they are completely normal. In order to better understand them, it helps to clarify the definition of love. In spite of the impression conveyed by Hollywood and fairytales, love is not a feeling. “Falling in love” is not love, nor is needing someone or having someone need you. Love is not sacrificing yourself, being a martyr for someone else, always doing things for others or spending money on others.

What is love, then? Love is caring deeply about another person’s growth. According to M. Scott Peck, M.D., love is “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” Love is an action you take – something that you do- to nurture yourself or someone else. When a person is treated lovingly, they feel validated and cared for. Love grows from this nurturance. People do not grow when they are criticized, blamed or shamed. They grow when they are loved.

When we think about what it means to love our spouse, it helps to consider another question. How do we love someone? We love them through our actions: doing something with the purpose of nurturing his or her growth. The action might be temporarily putting aside the things that occupy us and focusing completely on our spouse so they feel attended to. The action might be to truly listen when they speak; hear their words, look at them, and respect their view, even when it differs from your own. The action might be spending time together, whether you are doing something your spouse enjoys or something you both enjoy. The action might simply be spending quiet time together while feeling connected, such as taking a walk, cuddling, sitting on a park bench next to one another, or spending time in spiritual worship.

In couples groups and private sessions, we teach partners a new way to act with love using the Imago dialogue. During the dialogue, each partner has time to talk while the other partner simply listens. The listener then confirms what she/he heard and offers a statement of understanding. The Imago dialogue is a form of love as a willful action. Its purpose is to nurture one another by attending to them lovingly.

Loving our spouse helps him/her grow toward the best he/she can be. As they grow, they are more likely to love us back in this same way. Love is action. Ultimately, the action of loving our spouse brings growth, intimacy and joy for both partners.

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

What Was THAT All About?! Why Your Partner is Freaking Out Over Nothing and What You Can Do About it

April 7, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Have you ever seen someone have a very strong reaction to something that seems minor? From your perspective, you’re wondering what the big deal is. Why are they getting so upset?

Of course, this happens all the time in marriages and other intimate relationships. We see our spouse “freak out” over something small. Often, we don’t even know what triggered their anger or upset. When one partner witnesses the other get upset about something that seems trivial, it can be very confusing. Many times, people in my office will tell me that their partner got very upset – and they had no idea why.

So, why ARE they getting so upset? It boils down to this – their apparent “overreaction” is actually 20% triggered by whatever just happened and 80% triggered by something from the upset person’s past. In other words, the incident that just occurred touched upon something deeper inside that person. It may have brought to the surface an old hurt that hasn’t been worked through fully. This old hurt could be something that happened earlier in the current relationship, during a former relationship, or during childhood. As gifted Imago Master Trainer, Maya Kollman M.A., taught me, “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”

This may help the witnessing partner to keep things in perspective. It’s likely that when you see someone very upset, her/his own past issue has been activated. Of course, the exception to this is if you did something to intentionally hurt your partner, or did something that was abusive, neglectful, or unacceptable to them. In these cases, the level of upset would be proportionate to the level of pain you inflicted and is quite different from what I’m discussing in this article. What I’m describing here are those times when a partner has intense reactions to minor events – where the reaction is way out of proportion to the actual incident.

So, how does knowing that the reaction may be rooted in the past help your relationship? What do you do when your partner is having a strong reaction to something that seems minor to you? Use the basic Imago tool of mirroring. With mirroring, you paraphrase your partner’s comments back to him/her. For example you would say, “I hear that you’re very angry that the dishwasher was loaded that way.” Mirroring is different from agreeing. Just because you reflect back what was said doesn’t mean you agree. OR, you may decide to acknowledge your 20% responsibility for the trigger by saying something like, “Yes, I did try to fit as much as I could in the dishwasher and the dishes didn’t come out clean.” When dealing with a very upset person, the most important role you can take is that of a calm witness and understanding presence. Try to stay with them through their upset (unless they are attacking or shaming you).

Realizing that they are not just reacting to the dishes, but also to something from their past that hasn’t been resolved yet will help you to remain a calm witness for them. In this example, perhaps your partner grew up in a filthy house and hated that filth because they felt uncared for. Having dishes come out of the dishwasher dirty would touch upon that historical hurt and cause a major reaction to a minor incident. Keeping the historical perspective in mind will help you to stop taking things so personally and help you begin to understand your partner better. Knowing the reaction was triggered by something out of your partner’s past will help you to stay calm and mirror your partner’s words. In turn, your unruffled presence and mirroring will have a calming effect. This is one more way we can show love to our partner.

To schedule an appointment or to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Defining Imago: What is it and how can it improve your relationship?

March 28, 2014 by admin in Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Do you ever wonder if you married the wrong person? Are you sometimes frustrated that you can’t seem to discuss anything important without it escalating into an argument? Do you wonder why your partner changed from the person you fell in love with? Do you rarely have fun and laugh together anymore? Do you feel that, except for the children, your marriage was a mistake? If you answered yes to any of these questions, know that you are not alone.

You can probably recall the beginning of your relationship when you were in love. You may have noticed the relationship “just felt right” or you may have seen your new spouse as “the only one for me.” When these initial feelings subside, as they do in all marriages, it leaves us wondering what happened. In place of the fondness, we might feel angry, lonely, hurt, or sad. People react to this tremendous change any number of ways.

Some become angry, pleading, demanding or quiet. Others spend more time doing things without their spouse because they feel better elsewhere. We may view our spouse as our adversary and words become weapons. Resentments build. Some couples consider divorce. Welcome to the Power Struggle. This is a normal stage of marriage, but it certainly doesn’t feel normal. In fact, it feels awful.

All of us want love and attention. When we received these things from our spouse early in the relationship it felt wonderful. Now we find ourselves feeling hurt and angry. In response, we do what we used to do as children to get love and attention: yell, scream, withdraw, and pout. The power struggle is a cry for connection. It occurs, in part, because we are doing what we know how to do in order to get love and attention. Ironically, doing these things gets us the opposite of what we want. Although we long for connection, we are unconsciously sabotaging ourselves from getting it.

As adults, we need to find new ways to get the love, attention, and connection we desire. Imago Relationship Therapy helps us accomplish this by teaching couples to use language as a tool of connection and by helping couples reconnect in fun and meaningful ways.

Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt created Imago out of their therapeutic work with couples and work on their own relationship. Their book, Getting The Love You Want, details this process and is a New York Times bestseller.

Imago therapy teaches couples to choose words with the intention of connecting with their spouse. “Connection,” in this case, means talking openly about ourselves with our partner and listening when they talk openly about themselves. The marriage is a safe place. It is safe because both partners seek to understand each other in an environment free of blame, shame, and criticism. We feel connected to our spouse, we have their attention, and we feel loved.

In my work with couples, I help them create a loving and connected relationship by:

Defining their ideal relationship
Getting into the habit of appreciating one another and noticing what’s going well
Choosing words with the purpose of increasing connection
Learning to truly listen to their partner and step into his/her shoes
Finding the caring and empathy they had for one another when they first got together
Making time for fun and sexual connection so spending time together is pleasurable
Approaching and resolving conflict as a team working for the benefit of the marriage.

Couples can awaken the love and closeness they used to feel for one another. As Cindy Ricardo, a wise, fellow Imago therapist wrote, “Imago: Create the relationship of your dreams.”

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

How to Know if Your Relationship is Worth Working On

March 21, 2014 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Many couples come to us when they are experiencing difficulties and ask, “Is this relationship worth saving or are we just not a good match? Maybe my partner isn’t the ‘right’ person for me and I should just cut my losses now.” When things are difficult, it often feels like we made a mistake and married the wrong person. We sometimes think we’d be better off alone or with a ‘better’ partner. So – how do you know if your relationship is worth trying to save?

If you have kids together, the answer is usually yes – of course you should try to work it through. Your kids desperately need you and their other parent living together in harmony. Divorce is very painful and disruptive and you owe it to your kids to get these issues resolved. Plus, you must figure out how to get along even if your marriage does end in divorce because you’ll still need to parent together, to make decisions together, and to celebrate the child’s accomplishments together.

There are two other quick measures that can help gauge whether your relationship is worth saving:

1. If you felt intense attraction at the beginning of the romance, the two of you are a good Imago match.

According to Imago Relationship Therapy, you felt this intense attraction early in the relationship because your unconscious deliberately chose this person to give you the opportunity to finish your developmental growth. It is only in a marriage or a long-term relationship that we get this unique opportunity to learn and grow into wholeness. If you felt intense attraction when you were newly in love, in most cases it is worth trying to work through the difficulties.

Of course, it is important that we don’t allow ourselves to be abused or mistreated in the hope of completing our growth. Take for example, a woman who grew up with an alcoholic parent. As an adult, the woman keeps finding herself dating alcohol or drug abusers even though she hates this and desperately wants to attract a good partner. Is there an opportunity buried within this problem? Yes, there is. The woman can decide to work on becoming conscious about why she does what she does and she can develop new healthy ways of coping with people who exhibit the traits that abusers exemplify. However, it would be unhealthy for her to continue to live with the chaos, unpredictability, vagueness, lies, and violence that can also come with these relationships. People rarely grow under these conditions.

The second determining factor that’s a good measure of whether a relationship is worth saving is:

2. If both partners are willing to work on the relationship.

If both are willing to put in the effort to try to fix things (even major difficulties like affairs, mental illness, and addictions) the relationship is worth the effort. Any of these things can be worked through if BOTH partners are willing to:

gain insight into the issue.
understand how his/her partner feels.
resolve to make changes.

But don’t be fooled into thinking your partner isn’t willing to work on the relationship just because he/she isn’t willing to AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME. Your partner may need a little time to get to a place where he or she is ready to put in the work of repairing the relationship. An elderly couple I met in the Imago community of therapists told me that one reason their marriage lasted for decades is that neither of them wanted a divorce at the same time. It is natural for partners’ interest in improving things to vacillate and alternate. Their desire to work things out may not always be in sync, but this doesn’t mean they don’t (or won’t) both have an interest in making things better. As long as there’s no ongoing abuse, know that it could take your partner some time before he/she is ready.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.comor go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Focus on Family: Showing Love By Listening

March 17, 2014 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Listening shows children we love them. As parents, we listen to our kids by paying attention to the words they are saying and by repeating back to them what we’ve heard them say. In Imago Therapy, this is called “mirroring.” Parents do this by saying, “What I heard you say was…” Parents can also help by remarking on what the child has said that makes sense to them. Listening, repeating, and understanding helps kids feel valued by their parents. There are times this is all that’s needed to help your child cope with something challenging.

As a parent myself, I have witnessed firsthand how listening and mirroring has helped my child. Once on vacation, my daughter wanted us to buy her a hermit crab after her friend got one. My first thought was, “Oh no, not another pet to clean up after.” I held that thought inside of me and said to my daughter and husband, “Let’s talk together about it tomorrow.” On our drive out of town, we took turns talking. My husband began by saying his thoughts. Then my daughter stated why she wanted a hermit crab: “We could buy it colored rocks and all we’d have to do is feed it. I REALLY, REALLY want one.” I mirrored her by saying, “I know you REALLY, REALLY want a hermit crab. I heard you say we could buy it colored rocks and all we would have to do is give it food. Did I get it?” She responded “Yes.” She added more and I mirrored that too. When it was my turn I told her that I understood her wish because I liked having a hermit crab as a pet when I was a child. Soon, we were onto a different subject. A few days passed. My husband and I realized that she hadn’t mentioned the hermit crab again. We were amazed because she had been so adamant! We were further amazed when she saw the friend with the hermit crab again and made no further mention of her wish for one as a pet.

What I realized was this: my daughter had felt heard and understood. And that was enough. By choosing not to say anything at first, I gave her the “space” to fully tell us how she saw things. She felt loved by us in this way. The content of her wish (wanting the hermit crab) wasn’t nearly as important as the process of being listened to. All children want their parents’ love and attention more than they want any material thing. Just as you do with your spouse, give your child the gift of being truly heard.

To schedule an appointment to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Relationships Are SO DIFFICULT At Times: Does It Mean We Chose The Wrong Partner?

March 10, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Woman Looking at a Man Sitting Beside Her

At times, your marriage brings joy and fulfillment. At other times, it can be full of frustration, conflict or boredom. During these difficult times, you may wonder, “Is this all there is?” or “Why is this so hard?” These thoughts or feelings can be especially discouraging when you compare this to a time earlier in your relationship when things felt wonderful. Rest assured – there is more to marriage. In fact, through these conflicts and difficult times you can grow to experience a hidden reward of marriage: it can help you grow into your whole self. That’s right; one reward of your unique partnership is that it can actually help you grow as an individual.

The early euphoria of the relationship, and the times of conflict in marriage, are often rooted in the same thing – aspects of our true selves that were lost to us during childhood. With our partner’s help we can recognize and recapture these lost qualities, grow as individuals and strengthen our marriage. Using the principles of Imago Relationship Therapy, we will begin by briefly describing how what we learn in childhood affects our marriage.
When we are born, our spirit becomes housed in our body. And our body has four ways of expressing our spirit to others: thinking, sensing (our bodily senses), feeling, and acting (moving our body and taking action). One duty of parenting is to help children develop all four of these areas of expression. A parent does this by noticing and encouraging a child to express him/her self by thinking, sensing, feeling, and acting. Unfortunately, many parents directly or indirectly discourage their child’s expression in one or more of these areas. When this happens repeatedly, these forms of expression can become lost to us. Each of us still has the capacity to think, sense, feel, and act, however, as children we may have learned that it’s not OK to express ourselves that way. We may have only developed the parts that our parents encouraged us to.

In adulthood, we become involved in committed relationships. During the first stage, the Romantic Stage, we feel wonderful, we feel loved, and we feel loving. Some of this attraction is because the other person has access to the parts of ourselves that are lost to us (and vice versa). For example, one partner may love the fact that his wife takes action and is accomplished because his “acting” is all or partially lost to him. At the same time, the wife may love that her husband is intellectual because her “thinking” is all or partially lost to her. Men and women in the early stages of love sometimes say, “He/she completes me”. This is because when we’re with our new partner, we have access to all four ways of expressing ourselves again. It is safe to experience thinking, sensing, feeling, and acting.

During the second stage of the relationship, the Power Struggle, conflicts enter our relationship and we feel hurt. We wonder, “What happened? Things used to feel so great.” We then revert back to what we learned in childhood: only using those parts which were approved of. In addition, we disapprove of our partner for using the means of expression that have been lost to us. Since using those forms of expression resulted in disapproval when we were children, we now disapprove of others who use them. As a result, you now hate the very thing that you used to love about him/her.

A committed relationship provides you with a unique opportunity to grow into your whole self. Your partner is inviting you (unwittingly) to regain the parts of yourself that were lost to you. First, your partner notices what is lost to you. He or she often presents it in a negative way. For example, when your partner may mutter, “Why are you so ditsy?”, he is noticing that “thinking” is lost to you. Your partner can also be the one to show you how to develop it. In this example, your partner may carefully think things through. He can be a model for how you can grow this lost part. Although no one likes to have shortcomings pointed out to them, these situations are actually opportunities to grow into an individual who is effective at using all four means of expression.

You may notice that your partner has already helped you grow as an individual. You may also notice that some areas have been more challenging for you or are hot buttons in your relationship. We are trained in helping individuals identify their lost parts, overcome obstacles, and grow into wholeness. Our therapists are skilled in assisting couples as they talk this out together in order to turn conflict into a growth opportunity.

Remember, your marriage is an opportunity for you to grow into all four ways of expressing your self and to be whole again.

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

What Many Wives Don’t Know About Sex

February 20, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Sex-in-Marriage Are you married to a loyal and loving partner who’s been asking you for more sex? Does the thought of more sex make you roll your eyes or leave you feeling completely uninspired? Often, in relationships, there are times when one partner has a higher sex drive than the other. In some cases, it is the woman who wants more intimacy in the bedroom, but many times, it is the man who is asking for more. There could be a deeper meaning underneath his wish that many wives don’t even consider: for true and caring men, sex can be the most important way they show and receive love.

For these men, sexual intimacy is their opportunity to be as close as possible to you. They may not show love as easily with words, gifts, or by doing things around the house. Instead, they may show their love sexually. They want to please you and see you excited and enjoying yourself. They want to share fun and playfulness and eroticism with you. They’ve been wanting YOU specifically; wanting access to you in a world in which you’re not preoccupied with the kids, your work, running the household, caring for elderly parents and any number of other responsibilities. They want all of you because they love you.

Because sex can be such an important expression of love to many men, it is important that you allow yourself the time to enjoy sex and alone time with your husband. It’s easy to say “no” or turn away from his advances. After all:

Is it going to take time away from the kids? Yes.
Is it going to take time away from taking care of the house? Yes.
Is it going to take time away from your other responsibilities? Yes.
Is it inconvenient and messy? Yes.
Does it lack the spontaneity it used to have? Yes.
Do you need to work harder at it to make it happen? Most likely, yes.

So, is it worth all the inconvenience? YES! All of these minor obstacles and inconveniences are easily overcome and the payoffs are HUGE.

If your husband feels connected to you, he’ll do most anything for you.
If you’re experiencing sex on a regular basis, you’ll feel happier and more relaxed.
You’ll like your body more because sex can be a reminder of the amazing ways it works and how good it can make you feel.

Perhaps most importantly, sex generates more closeness between the two of you. In turn, this generates a sense of partnership which generates a loving and fun attitude toward each other. When all of these things fall into place, the two of you feel like you can conquer any obstacle together, just like you felt when you first were attracted to one another.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Why We Resist The Very Change We Say We Want

February 5, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Many of us long for something to be better in our lives, like a happier marriage, having more money or being more fit. But why is it we remain stuck? We often expend lots of energy, including just thinking about it, yet little really changes. What may be going on is that the thing we want is also something we fear. Why would we fear something that sounds good, like having a happy marriage or financial wealth? We are afraid because we fear what is unknown. We don’t know what to expect, and even if we are unhappy with the way things are currently, at least we know how things will be. Like the old adage says, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” No matter how unhappy we may be, we’d rather stay with the status quo than take the chance on something different that may be better out of fear that it will, in fact, bring hardships yet unknown. We may be resisting the very change we say we want.

Many couples say they want a happy relationship, but on some level, they fear it as well. They don’t know what to expect from a marriage that is peaceful and may imagine an empty, one-dimensional relationship like we’ve seen portrayed on shows such as Ozzie and Harriet or the Cleavers. Couples fear that they will lose the capacity to feel a whole range of emotions, hurtful ones included, and that subsequently, they will lose a part of themselves. These couples imagine that they will sacrifice genuine emotion for peacefulness and will wind up acting fake or being falsely happy.

Most people want more money, but, often, they are afraid of what their lives would be like if they had it. Perhaps they have negative beliefs about ‘rich people’ and consider them self-centered, lacking morals, or wasteful. Because of these beliefs, they fear that if they have money they will take on these negative qualities as well. They are afraid that people will judge them negatively or people will be fake and use them. While they may like the idea of having money on the surface, on a deeper level, they fear that having money will change them for the worse.

One reason people fear change is that when thinking about change, many people focus on what they’ll be giving up instead of what they will gain. Overeaters may worry that they’ll lose the soothing effect food has on them when they’re upset or worry that they’ll lose the pleasure they get from the taste and texture of certain foods. Perhaps they’re afraid of the attention they may get when they look great.

When you’re ready to explore all aspects of what you want to change, here’s what you’ll need:

1. A good relationship with a spouse, friend or therapist – we change when we’re connected to a supportive person.

2. To talk about what you’re afraid might happen if you make the change.

3. To decide on a measurable step to take toward this change – actually doing something differently.

4. A specific and positive end goal.

5. To maintain your support system so you stay committed even when you aren’t feeling motivated.