Busting The Myths of Marriage That Cause Disappointment

February 20, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed recently and came across an article that intrigued me but, as I read it, made me increasingly angry. It was entitled “10 Signs You’re Going to Marry Your Boyfriend Someday”. As a marriage and family therapist, of course I find these articles interesting and they often do have good tips. But this was inadvertently promoting a false reality of what marriage “should” be. Let’s take a closer look at some of the signs the author points to as proof you have found your perfect mate.

“You’ll feel attracted to him all the time.”- We all know that feeling when everything’s new. We call it the Romance stage of relationships. In this initial phase, everything feels good and we can’t get enough of our partner in all ways, including physically. Sex is new and therefore is erotic and exciting. But is it realistic to believe that in a long-lasting marriage, we will feel attracted to our partner all the time? The reality beyond this myth is that as the relationship develops and goes through different stages (such as the Power Struggle phase where the relationship is experiencing more conflict) our attraction likely ebbs and flows. When we are in conflict, or when our relationship is struggling under stress, or simply because we’ve been together so long, it makes sense that we don’t feel a daily attraction to our partner. But sex and intimacy can be great in your relationship – with realistic expectations!

“You’ll feel like you can work anything out without a fight”- Sure, we may have disagreements at the beginning, but we are much more willing to overlook our partner’s faults or annoying habits and we tend to find most things about our partner endearing, leaving us little to fight about. The reality beyond this myth is that arguing is a normal part of every healthy relationship. As two separate individuals with our own unique perspectives on life, we will naturally disagree at times. And just as intimacy is affected by increased stressors, naturally, increased stressors give us more to fight about. The key to success in the relationship is not so much about the content of the fighting, or even how you fight; but it is about learning how to repair after the fight. Repair includes coming together after the fight and being able to have an effective conversation, hug, or shift your focus back onto what you do appreciate about your partner.

“You’ll Feel Like His Little Quirks Are More Adorable Than Irritating”-Sure, at the beginning his little quirks are adorable, because all the good feelings of a new love make us look at everything about our partner in a positive light. The reality beyond this myth is that we wouldn’t be human if we weren’t irritated by our partner at times. As compatible as we may be with any person, being in a committed relationship, living with another person, and sharing our lives with another person involves feeling irritated at times. Feeling irritated with our partner is as normal and healthy as fighting! Again, the key is to nurture the fondness and admiration you have for your partner’s other traits.

When I take a closer look at this article, I notice the author has only been married for a few months, and I wonder if she would have a different perspective years into her own marriage. The danger in an article like this is that all these positive thoughts and feelings that are occurring in the Romance stage of the relationship and are not necessarily going to continue through the life of the marriage. If we believe they will, we are often left feeling disappointed and disillusioned, and perhaps even thinking our partner is not the “right’ one. Rather, let’s teach couples to have an understanding that it is normal for these positive feelings to ebb and flow, just as other emotions come and go like the ocean’s tide. Of course, this doesn’t mean a relationship beyond the Romance stage is destined for a life of lack of sex, fighting and discord. On the contrary, once we move through the stages of Power Struggle and Commitment to making our relationship work, we ultimately reach an even better place that we refer to as Mature Love. Mature love has the same positivity as Romance; in fact, we can be having even better sex and better connection, love and friendship in this stage because we have come to accept that both our partner and ourselves are flawed. But, we love them despite these flaws!

If you want to learn more about how to work through the Stages of Relationships and how to have realistic expectations of a long term relationship, contact us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or 908-246-3074.

Make Your Relationship Your New Year’s Resolution

January 16, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

It is a New Year and a great time for self-reflection, growth and making positive changes in our lives! It also becomes a great time to look at our relationships, and see how we can make them more satisfying and stronger. Often, when we reflect on how to improve our relationship we focus on our partner. Haven’t we all made comments like “If only my husband would help more around the house, things would be so much better between us.” Or “If my wife could just be more interested in having sex than sleeping, our relationship would be great!” We erroneously think that in order for our relationship to improve, our partner should be doing things differently.

One of the first concepts we teach couples when they come to our office is “Stages of Relationships” from Imago Relationship Therapy. While it may be at different paces, almost all couples will go through various stages over the course of their relationship, beginning with Romantic Love and moving into the Power Struggle stage-the one that usually drives them to seek therapy. Regardless of the power struggle that is occurring and causing them difficulty in their marriage, there is a pattern of blame that is usually happening. Each partner is focusing outwards, pointing fingers and wanting to tell us all their partner is doing wrong, or not doing right! When we begin moving them on the next stage “being committed to working on the relationship”, a key factor is to move the focus from outward to inward. In order for a relationship to improve, each partner needs to look at their own contribution to the relationship, and how their actions are affecting the relationship. Below are three things YOU can do in this new year to improve your relationship.

Improve your speaking and listening skills-While it’s no secret that relationships need good communication, we often don’t pay attention to how we speak to our partner or how well we really listen. When you want to talk about something that your partner is doing that is bothering you, ask yourself how you speak to your partner about it. Think of the difference in these two statements—“You never appreciate anything I do around here!” OR “I would like to talk to you about something. Is now a good time? I have really been feeling unappreciated lately and when I do things around the house, it would make me happy to hear you express your thanks.” Imagine the defensive reaction you may get from the first statement as opposed to the willingness to listen you may get from the second.
Practice gratitude and appreciation for your partner-Just as couples love to come into our office and talk about all the things their partner is doing wrong, they are also generally talking a lot about these grievances at home too. So often in relationships, we spend so much time talking to our partner about our frustrations with them, we forget to ever tell them the things they do right. Expressing the things we love and appreciate about our partner goes such a long way in improving a relationship, and strengthening the fondness, affection and connection. Plus, neuroscience is now showing us that the brain reinforces neural connections that get used often. So, if you’re noticing and remarking positive behaviors, that is what will grow in importance to your brain thus making you feel better. When you’re more positive, your partner is highly likely to make positive changes (consciously or unconsciously) as well.
Look for more ways to connect with your partner-In therapy, we teach how to “bid (or ask) for connection”. Think about how you connect with your partner. Do you ask to spend time together? Do you call or text during the day just to check in and see how their day is going? Do you do nice gestures for your partner, such as picking up their dry cleaning on your way home? Do you reach out to touch or hold your partner? Connection can be done in so many ways; it can be verbal or non-verbal. We need to think outside the box about doing more than just the occasional “date nights” or special celebrations on Valentine’s Day and anniversaries and, instead, look for ways we can connect with our partner on a daily basis. These daily connections, even thought they may seem small, are what keeps a solid foundation of friendship, love and intimacy strong in our relationship.

If you’re ready to focus on what you can do to improve your intimate relationship, call us at (908) 246-3074 or visit our website www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment. We’re here to help you create the best relationship possible this year.

Validation Does Not Equal Agreement

November 18, 2017 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Has your partner ever said to you “You’re being too sensitive”, “It’s silly to feel that way”, or “Don’t be sad, just cheer up.”? Often, responses like these to our partner’s emotions are said out of caring and a desire to make our partner feel better. After all, when we love someone, we never want to see them feeling sad, angry, or disappointed. But, in saying these things, we are missing out on the opportunity to do something that can make a relationship so much stronger and more satisfying—we are missing the opportunity to validate our partner!

Validation means telling your partner you understand. It’s phrases like “I get it” or “You make sense” or “I can see your point”. It’s simple to do, but many couples get caught in the traps that prevent validation from happening. One of the biggest obstacles is that people assume that validation equals agreement. Yet, this is not the case at all. Let’s look at an example: A couple is having a discussion about their child wanting to go to college out of state. The mother feels she should stay closer to home because she is concerned she will be too homesick and not able to come home as easily. The father feels it will be good for their daughter and allow her to gain some independence. Think about the reaction the father may get if he says to his wife “You are being ridiculous for worrying. Of course, she will be just fine.” Although his intention would be to get his partner to stop worrying, it likely has the effect of making her feel dismissed or as if her feelings are unimportant. In contrast, consider this validating statement –“I can understand your concern about her being so far away; she tends to get homesick when she is gone”. Can you see how this statement would make his wife feel very differently? It is likely that with this validation, it would help to make his wife feel heard and understood. While the husband disagrees and feels completely differently, he can still relay his understanding of his wife’s feelings. (NOTE: He did not say “You’re right” or “I agree” or “Yes, she should stay in state”. THOSE would be agreements.) Validation communicates that we are accepted and understood for our point of view, even if there is not agreement or a decision.

Since validation seems easier said than done, here are some tips on engaging in this important pattern of communication:

Listen for the sake of listening-Listening is a skill that takes practice. But in order to validate, we need to be sure we are listening effectively. Very often, when we listen to our partner, we are thinking about what we want to say in response. By doing this, we prevent ourselves truly hearing our partner. Try putting your own thoughts and opinions on the back burner while your partner is speaking and listen just for the sake of listening. This will allow for more understanding of your partner’s viewpoint. In addition, being fully present while listening is equally important. Be sure to put down the phone, turn off the television and provide your partner with your full attention.

Try to put yourself into your partner’s shoes-Validation requires you to look at the world from your partner’s lens rather than what we are used to doing, which is viewing it from our own. We all have biological differences, personality differences and past experiences that affect the way we view present issues. If you are disagreeing with your partner about something, it is likely because you both are viewing it from your own lenses. When you are able to look at it from your partner’s lens and be willing to see it how they may see it, it allows for you to validate it. Again, you may disagree, but be able to say a validating statement such as “You make sense to me” when understanding our partner’s viewpoint.

Validation is a skill, like many others in a relationship, that will take practice. But it enhances closeness, lets defenses loosen and fall away, and paves the way for coming to a solution you both can feel good about. It’s not easy, but it can have a powerful, uniting effect. If you and your partner need help with this skill, or other relationship skills, please feel free to call us at 908-246-3074 or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

What is the One Crucial Skill You May Not be Teaching Your Children?

October 19, 2017 by admin in Family, Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

If you’re focused on your kids’ academics and sports, you may be missing the boat. More than ever, society defines success for our children as good grades, how many activities/sports they participate in, and even how many friends they have. Beyond participation, we’re taught they need to excel in order to succeed in life. Consequently, we invest tons of time, energy and money into these areas of our child’s development. We bend over backwards to chauffeur them to activities, to study with them, hire tutors and send them to the best schools, or to hire private coaches and get them on the travel teams. Of course, these are worthwhile and valuable aspects of life. But, if your relationship with their other parent is suffering in the meantime, you’re missing the boat on a crucial aspect of your child’s development.

There’s a meme on social media that states something like “Don’t worry about watching your children’s behavior. Worry about your children watching yours.” Regardless of their age, our children ARE watching us: how we love their other parent, argue with their other parent, and how we handle our own emotions. (They’re also observing how we manage other areas of our life (spiritual, health and fitness, involvement with extended family, career, financial et cetera). If your relationship with their other parent is limping along or in conflict, that can have a huge impact on what a child learns about relationships and have repercussions well into their adulthood. We may not be aware of the lessons we are teaching, but as their parents, we are unconsciously modeling for them how to act and react. If we are easily annoyed with, or contemptuous of, our spouse, kids learn that’s how married couples view one another. If we play the victim and feel sorry for ourselves, kids learn that’s how to handle feelings of hurt or loneliness. If we turn to alcohol, overeating, or another compulsive behavior to numb our own emotions, kids learn that’s how to handle painful feelings.

While we may be busy raising children who are achieving academically, or who are involved in many activities, as parents we may be missing the opportunity to develop something much more important to a child’s development –their ability to establish and maintain healthy relationships. Who cares if they become a prize winner, champion or professional success if their personal life is in shambles? Or if they’re lonely? Or in conflict with those closest to them? I bet we all could think of at least one person in history who made a significant contribution to society but who left a wake of hurt in their personal relationships and/or was depressed, addicted, and even suicidal. It is likely that these people did not have enough skills in interpersonal relationships and dealing with emotion, even though they were what society defines as “successful”.

Our children are watching and learning how we handle interpersonal interactions every day. Therefore, they need us to develop OUR ability to handle conflict well, to give and receive love, and to deal with our own emotions effectively. Our schools have begun to teach these skills, but not nearly enough. Do not underestimate the amount they are observing and concluding just from witnessing you.

Ask yourself how you rate on the following statements:

I am actively engaged in learning how to be a better spouse, parent and/or friend.
I take responsibility for all relationship conflicts when they arise.
I recognize when I need support and am continually seeking help.
I read/listen to something instructional or inspirational for at least 30 minutes each day.
I acknowledge my feelings, express them appropriately, and decide what’s the best course of action.

I’m suggesting you spend as much time and effort on yourself as you do on your children because BOTH of you benefit – you’ll have a better relationship with their other parent, your kids will be watching positive and healthy interactions, and you’ll feel calmer and better able to handle what life throws at you. Success in sports and academics is not the be-all end-all for our children. Success in relationships (intimate, familial, collegiate) will have a tremendous impact on your future adult-child’s happiness and success in life, for we are humans who live in community and need one another.

The ‘Bad’ Emotions: What to do with Anger & Sadness

September 15, 2017 by admin in Emotions, Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

by Meredith Keller & Debby Deroian

Some emotions have a very bad reputation! Sadness, fear, shame and jealousy are all considered negative and things we ‘shouldn’t’ feel. We get these messages from society, from mass media and from our families (both when growing up and presently). The reality is that no emotion is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ because humans are endowed with the ability to feel ALL emotions. They can serve to process loss, to keep us safe and to guide us to do the right thing. The trick with painful emotions is in HOW you express (or act on) them. In this article, we’ll focus on anger and sadness.

It was our parents or caregivers who originally taught us (intentionally or unintentionally) how to deal with ‘bad’ emotions. How often have you heard a parent say to a crying child “Don’t cry. It will be okay”? Or how about when a child expresses fear and we say, “Don’t worry; you have nothing to be afraid of”? As parents, we don’t do this with malintent, of course. We don’t want to see our child sad, afraid or in pain because we experience the pain alongside them. But, what many parents fail to realize is: by trying to prevent our children from experiencing any painful emotions, we are only hindering their ability to learn how to deal with them effectively. One thing is certain; they will feel a variety of feelings throughout their lives, no matter how much we try to protect them.

Consider a scenario where a child is crying and a caregiver handles it in a different way. “I understand why you feel sad about your friend being mean to you.” This statement sends out a completely different message: “It’s okay to feel what you feel and I am with you right now”. Taking it one step further, the parent could help the child come up with a course of action such as “Let’s go together to talk to your friend and his/her parent about what happened.”

Regardless of how we learned to manage our emotions, as adults we are faced with feeling a wide range of them, and being able to manage them in healthy ways is key to strong relationships. So what are some ways we can manage our emotions when they arise?

-Find constructive ways to deal with them, not destructive

Anger is a great example. Let’s say we are angry at our partner for forgetting our birthday. If we have never learned how to manage anger in a healthy way, we may approach our partner with harshness or berating. OR we don’t speak to them for days. This certainly doesn’t remove our anger; in fact, it tends to have the opposite effect of fueling the anger. On the other hand, we could go to our partner and say, “I want to let you know I am really angry that you forgot my birthday.” Think about how the outcome might be different. Speaking aloud your feelings or writing them down are constructive ways to deal with them.

-Learn how to self-soothe

This is again, a hard thing as adult to know how to do, especially if we had the caregivers who jumped in to try to make us feel better immediately and weren’t comfortable with our painful emotions. While it is important, especially in relationships, for our partners to validate our emotions, we are all ultimately responsible for being able to manage our own emotions in a healthy way. Learning techniques, such as relaxation, breathing, connecting with a Higher Power, or any method that allows you to deescalate will be incredibly useful in relationships, and all aspects of our daily lives.

-Check in with yourself to see if you are expressing the emotion underneath anger

Often, we mask one emotion with another (because one might be more acceptable or ‘easier’ to feel than another). Let’s look at the above example of our partner forgetting our birthday. We may feel really hurt. But hurt or disappointment may be emotions we don’t think we should have a right to feel. We may tell ourselves “I’m being silly. It’s only a birthday and I’m sure he/she just had a busy day and forgot.” But since we don’t want to allow ourselves to feel the hurt, we allow it to come out as anger instead because anger is a less vulnerable feeling than admitting we are hurt. It would be okay to say, “I was hurt and disappointed that you forgot my birthday this year.”

Managing our emotion is a skill that, like many others, can be learned in adulthood and practiced. If you’d like help in learning how to manage your emotions, please contact us at 908-246-3074, or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment. We are blessed to have the privilege of helping people like you lead more peaceful, centered lives. We look forward to hearing from you.

Tools to Communicate So Your Partner Can Actually Hear You

August 14, 2017 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

by Meredith Keller & Debby Deroian

Most every couple has experienced that argument in which you escalate one another until you are caught in a negative cycle of defensiveness, anger and/or hurt feelings. When couples get caught up in these types of arguments, the original issue has little to no chance of being resolved. These interactions are characterized by a) very little listening, b) each partner focusing on what they want their partner to change, and c) blame, shame & criticism. This is ineffective communication at its finest. So how can we learn new ways to talk, and equally as important, listen to our partners to have effective communication instead?

Constructive speaking includes:

Asking your partner if now is a good time to talk-Timing is key. Even though a topic is on your mind at the moment, now is not always a good time for your partner. This can be difficult because we might feel a burning desire to say it immediately. But if your partner has just walked in the door from work, or has had a tough day with the kids, it is important to remember they won’t be in the most receptive frame of mind. A simple question like “I would really like to talk to you about something, is now a good time?” can set you up for having a productive conversation. Just as important, of course, is being able to take no for an answer.
Talk about yourself-As we talked about, during arguments, the fingers are generally pointed towards our partners in blame. Rather than talking about your partner, talk about yourself using statements such as “I think, I feel, I’d like…” These “I” statements will go a long way to ward off reactions like defensiveness and help your partner be able to actually hear what it is you’re saying.
Verbalize how this conversation may be connected to your past-Sometimes our partner doesn’t understand where our strong feelings are coming from. If we can verbalize how a present issue is similar to, or even the opposite of, your past, it can assist your partner in understanding why a given topic is important to you.

Constructive listening includes:

Responding to your partner’s request for a dialogue- If you are not in a good space for really listening (if you’re cold, tired, hungry, preoccupied, or your foot hurts (!)), you can say no to your partner’s request for dialogue. However, it is important that you do offer up a different time, such as “How about tomorrow morning before I leave for work?” You want to be sure that your partner does not feel dismissed and you can accomplish this even if “now” is not the right time. However, if you are in a good space at that moment, turn towards them by saying “Yes”.
Listening to understand-Listening is a very hard skill. It’s one that most of us assume we do correctly but, in fact, are often doing incorrectly. For example, rather than listening to understand, we wait (or not) for the chance to respond. Our partner may be speaking, but all we are doing is thinking about what we want to say next. Instead, go in with the intention of taking turns speaking, so the listener can focus on just the listening knowing that they will get their turn. We have two ears and only one mouth – we can choose to listen more than speak.
Validate-Validation means stating what you can understand about what your partner is saying if you were in their shoes. Many couples get very stuck on this because they have the false idea that understanding equals agreement. It is okay if you don’t agree with your partner; but you can still find one thing about what they are saying that makes sense to you and tell them what that is! Validation during listening will go such a long way in making your partner feel not only heard, but understood-something that we all long for in a relationship.

Talking and listening in this way has the power to deepen your knowledge and understanding of one another. It moves you closer to each other, and over time, being closer is what builds fondness and enables people to work together. When you practice and learn a new way to talk and listen, connection, friendship and intimacy deepen, ultimately improving the relationship for both of you. If you and your partner need help implementing some of these effective communication strategies, please feel free to call us at 908-246-3074, or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Why Is It Couples Come to Hate the Very Trait that First Drew Them To Their Partner?

May 24, 2017 by admin in Divorce, Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Imagine a love story where opposites attract: the popular guy becomes drawn to the shy bookworm, or the rich sophisticated woman falls for the hardworking blue collared man. In the movies, the ending is always the same-the couple brings out the best in each other with their opposite qualities and they live happily ever after. But for many couples, the trait that first drew them to their partner becomes a source of friction between them later on. Can the old adage “opposites attract” transfer into a solid, long-lasting relationship?

The reverse would seem to be closer to the truth: we want a partner who is similar, who has the same likes and dislikes, who enjoys the same activities. Yet, for many couples, they were drawn to a partner who has traits that are in fact opposite of theirs. In my and my husband’s story, I was first drawn to his athletic ability. It was exciting and not an ability I thought I had. With him, I was now mountain biking, rock climbing and going to the gym – things I had never done before and, turns out, I love doing. This is why we often hear new lovers say “He/she completes me!” They’re being exposed to new ways of being. These differences are so attractive in the beginning stage of a relationship when you feel loved and accepted. When we’re feeling connected and cherished, we are open to newness and dissimilarity in our loved one.

But often, that fondness for difference doesn’t last. The relationship naturally moves out of that beginning phase and into a stage of challenge and difficulty. At some point, and unintentionally, I began to resent my husband spending time doing sports. It became the source of arguments between us. The very quality/talent/trait I once found so endearing had become a source of conflict. I was angry that he spent so much time cycling and working out. Why the change? Because in this difficulty stage, we are, at times, feeling challenged, hurt, lonely or scared (for reasons not connected to any trait). The relationship feels SO different from how it used to. And when we have these painful feelings, we unconsciously revert to our old ways of coping and our old ways of behaving in the world. For me, it was to return my focus to academics and career. At this stage, that characteristic in our partner is threatening, not exhilarating, because that trait wasn’t something our parents encouraged in us as children. We can come to hate the very trait we used to love in this person.

I overcame this by trying to understand my husband, turning my attention toward what this was bringing up in me and by changing my perspective. I thought about the role athleticism played in his childhood – it was a source of joy and his escape from a not-so-great adolescence. For him, it was more than just going on a ride – he did it to feel good and feel accomplished. Next I had to explore myself – I was discouraged from doing many sports and adventures as a kid. My parents balked when I asked to play ice hockey (granted, it was the 70’s and not the young-girl-power movement we’re seeing today). From numerous experiences like that, I learned it’s not emotionally safe (and wasn’t developed in me) to be athletic and adventurous. When feeling hurt as an adult, I turned to what had felt emotionally safe (what had been accepted by others) and turned away from the trait my husband exemplified. Lastly, I changed my perspective. I realized that my husband has been modeling for me an aspect that needed to be developed in me (athleticism) AND I came to know its value (to take care of my body with exercise and to have fun and excitement). After a long journey, and many of my own therapy sessions spent talking about this, I am grateful. He has been showing me all along how to do something I need to develop in myself.

Here are how opposites can have successful long-term relationships:

-Understand how this trait operated in your partner’s childhood or adolescence

-Reflect on what messages you heard growing up about this trait and whether it was emotionally safe to do or not

-Consider how this trait is a good and valuable one that you may need to develop

If differences in personalities are causing you difficulty in your relationship, we can help you implement these strategies, as well as others, to create a mutually satisfying relationship for both partners. Please feel free to call us at 908-246-3074, or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

My Teens Are Driving Me Crazy! And They Aren’t Even Mine: A Step Parent’s Frustration

March 16, 2017 by admin in Divorce, Family, Marriage, Relationships, Remarriage | Comments Off

“You’re not my real mother, so why should I listen to you?”
“I hate you! I wish my father NEVER EVEN MET YOU!”
“If it wasn’t for you, my parents would still be together.”
If you’re a step parent of teens, it’s likely you’ve heard statements like these at times. How can a (newly remarried) couple navigate the intense feelings of their teens while keeping their marriage healthy and strong? Working together as a team is always the first order of business, especially with teenagers whose job it is to test parental boundaries. But there are also helpful ways for the step parent to make the road smoother. If you are the step parent of a teenager, here are three tips to keep in mind:
Don’t take it personally
Teenagers, experiencing a multitude of changes in their bodies and raging hormones, are emotional creatures under any circumstances. They are likely experiencing many feelings around this time of change in their family, especially if they are still holding on to hope of their parents getting back together. While divorce is hard on children of all ages, if a divorce occurred when the child is older, they often have a harder time. It’s harder for them to accept that their parents won’t be together anymore and they may feel their family has been torn apart. It’s normal for children to have a deep-seated desire for their parents to ultimately get back together. This, then, makes it seems as if the step parent is the person getting in the way of their fantasy. As a step parent, you may end up being the target of their anger, betrayal, and other painful emotions. It can help to know that the painful emotions your step child is feeling likely has little to nothing to do with you personally.
Don’t attempt to compete with the biological parent
With younger children, there tends to be more of an acceptance of a step parent as long as you are loving and attentive. But with teenagers, this acceptance of a new parental figure in their lives doesn’t usually come easily and you can inadvertently end up ‘competing’ with the bio parent. If there is a good relationship with their other biological parent, chances are loyalty will be fierce. It is important to never say anything bad about your step child’s biological parent, as much as it may be tempting at times. If the relationship with your new partner and their ex isn’t so amicable, be sure to keep those conversations away from children at all times! They need to know and believe that their loyalty to their biological parent is absolutely okay. As the newcomer, try to remind children that you are never looking to replace their biological parent. To avoid seeming to compete with your partner’s ex, always respect the role the bio parent plays in the teen’s life. Another important way to stay away from a competing stance is by sharing big decisions and important information with the biological parent. For example, if your teenager gets in trouble in school, be sure to work with your partner AND THEIR EX to decide on how discipline will be handled. If your teenager sees that parenting is being done in conjunction with both of their biological parents, they will have a clearer understanding that you as the step parent are not trying to be a replacement parent.

Talk openly and honestly with your ‘new’ teenager
While getting teenagers to talk is generally challenging, they tend to appreciate when adults are able to be honest with them. While they are by no means your peer and the parent/child roles need to be reinforced, talking honestly with them about issues in the family will help. For example, if you as the step parent are struggling to relate to them or finding it hard to find a common interest, don’t be afraid to confide this struggle to them. Doing so will not only open avenues of communication, but will have the added bonus of letting them see that you are human and doing your best.

While being the step parent of an adolescent can bring its own unique set of challenges, some simple actions can go a long way in keeping peace in your blended family. These attitudes and actions can even help to get you on your way to a strong healthy relationship with your new stepchild. At Couples Therapy Center of NJ, we help remarried couples with parenting issues to develop healthy communication AND grow a strong, stable family. And if you can’t get your spouse to come in with you, that’s okay. We also see individual clients because good work on the marriage (and family) can take place even if we never meet your partner.

How to Handle Different Parenting Styles: “I’m Tired of Always Being the Bad Guy”

January 19, 2017 by admin in Family, Marriage, Relationships | Leave a comment

Image result for images of parenting styles

One of you thinks spanking is necessary at times and the other thinks there’s never a justification to hit

One of you thinks kids need a good amount of discipline and the other thinks kids learn best in a loving environment

One of you thinks kids need to have chores and the other thinks kids should be allowed to be kids

One of you wants to track your child’s phone and the other thinks kids are trusted until proven wrong

If these disagreements in your relationship sound familiar, you aren’t alone. Many couples may hold similar values and morals, but simply have different parenting styles. Of course you and your child’s other parent are going to have different ideas – you were raised in different homes, maybe in a different city/culture/religion and definitely by different parents! While your personalities may mesh well in other aspects of your relationship, often simply having different personalities create very different types of parents, with different ideas of how strict or lenient children should be raised.

These differences can cause couples a lot of distress, where arguments abound and tensions run high. This is especially true if one parent is always feeling like they need to act as the disciplinarian or the ‘bad guy’. Sometimes the other parent then becomes the ‘fun parent’. Anger and resentment can easily build if this becomes a pattern.

The good news is that different parenting styles is not always a bad thing! The good cop/bad cop routine can work well for couples at times, and often, a good balance can be found between a stricter parent and a more laid-back parent. With some simple tips, you can find this healthy balance, and turn your different parenting styles into a positive for you and your family.

Develop the ability to carve out time to talk about these topics WHEN YOU ARE NOT PRESSED TO DECIDE AND AWAY FROM THE KIDS-To help eliminate the ‘bad guy’ and ‘fun parent’ roles, having these conversations away from the kids will allow you to come to an agreement on decisions and then present a united front.
Try to be flexible with your point of view-Get more information about healthy parenting from books, blogs, your child’s teachers/guidance counselors, and other reliable sources. Share what you find with your partner without pressuring them to comply. There isn’t only one right way to parent, and the more both partners can be flexible and open to trying different parenting techniques, the more likely you can be to strike a happy balance that both partners can live with.
Get into your own therapy- Spending time exploring the issues that being a parent may be triggering in you will be worthwhile. People bring their own upbringing and childhood into all aspects of their adult lives especially parenting, and you don’t want to blindly act out your issues on your kids. While the level of discipline that occurred in your household growing up may have worked well enough, that doesn’t mean it was optimal. Remember every child is also different and may not respond the same to different methods of discipline.
Begin couples therapy focusing on parenting- Couples counseling will give you a safe place for these discussions. You will both gain an understanding of where the other’s views came from. This leads to empathy and caring, which moves couples closer to each other. It’s from this closer vantage point that parents feel more like partners.

You may find that with some work and time, your parenting differences will be a helpful thing for your partner- the strict parent may learn to loosen the reins just a little bit, and the laid-back parent may find that sometimes more discipline is necessary and appropriate. While you don’t always have to be on the same exact page on every discipline matter, seek to find a healthy balance.

If you have are having trouble with opposing parenting styles in your relationship, we can teach you how to implement these tips and have productive conversations about these issues. Call us at 908-246-3074, or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com. Doing it sooner rather than later could save your years of unnecessary hassle and make your current relationship stronger than ever.

Three Myths About Marriage

December 19, 2016 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Here are three of the most popular myths about marriage:

1. I’ll never feel lonely again
2. If we have good sex, we’ll have a good marriage
3. My spouse should make me happy

We assume that securing a life partner will ‘cure’ us of feeling lonely (and a host of other painful emotions). But as humans, we’re endowed with the ability to experience ALL EMOTIONS from time to time throughout our lives. It’s normal to feel painful emotions (including loneliness) from time to time, whether or not we’re partnered up.

Great sex is awesome and might imply that the rest of the ways to connect with our partner will also be good. However, good sex is very different from the skills needed for a good marriage: the ability to express and receive love in several ways, the tools to communicate effectively, and the desire and effort to resolve differences in a healthy way.

We’re sold the idea that if we choose the right spouse, he or she will complete us/fulfill what’s been missing/make us feel happy. In reality, it’s our job to get our own needs met, to find our own happiness and purpose, and to be able to meet life on life’s terms. It is not our partner’s job to fill our lives or to make us feel good.

I hope this new perspective normalizes why your own marriage hasn’t been meeting these popular myths – your marriage isn’t supposed to be! Instead, having a spouse can be a unique and wonderful intimate relationship to add to an already full and fulfilling life.

If these myths are causing issues in your marriage, we can help you to set realistic expectations for your partner. Please feel free to contact us at 908-246-3074, or email us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment.

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