Relationships: Finding Harmony, Even During Hardships

November 15, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships | Leave a comment

Every once in awhile, something unprecedented happens and we suddenly find ourselves out of our normal routine and dealing with either minor inconveniences or extreme difficulties caused by circumstances beyond our control. Many of us found ourselves in just such a situation recently when Hurricane Sandy blew through.

During the aftermath of the storm, our lives were disrupted. Most of our normal activities were put on hold. Families found themselves spending hour upon hour together with no one leaving for work or school and without the distractions of lights in other rooms, TV, Internet or phone. In addition, many found themselves living with extended family and friends who don’t normally live with them as they sheltered together to help cope with the storm’s destruction.

Extended time together, along with limited or no essentials such as water, heat, and electricity magnifies the normal family dynamics. If things are good, situations like this can help you pull together even more. If things are not so good, the additional stress can bring out the difficulties that were already brewing. Family patterns arise even more intensely under this type of stress. The same is true for couples.

If couples and families were working well together, it’s likely that there was harmony doing tasks like:

getting generators running
finding alternate ways to cook and stay warm
cleaning up together
helping loved ones and neighbors and those in hardest hit communities
taking on projects
identifying who is good at which task and divvying up chores
modeling for your children resiliency, gratitude, and philanthropy
increased sex/physical closeness

If there was discord, the tension likely got worse and included:

more arguing
more disagreements (about the big stuff AND the small stuff)
emotional distance

How can we ensure that we will work together when difficulties arise and avoid breaking apart? First, we need to recognize some things that are essential in order to have harmony in marriage:

know that your partner is different from you and value his/her strengths
have gratitude that this person is your partner in life
be able to ask clearly for what you want and, if your partner can’t give it, find another healthy way to get it
take good care of yourself
view your marriage as a source of strength, companionship, and passion rather than focusing on what’s lacking
nurture the relationship by asking, “What does the relationship need?” as opposed to “What do I need from this relationship?”
allow yourself to receive the love that your partner is already giving
know that the occasional argument/hurt/anger is normal even in healthy relationships – it’s your ability to repair afterwards which makes the difference.

Experiencing hardship can strain any relationship. Learning to find harmony in these situations and in your everyday life will help you weather hardships and grow together.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center, call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com and use our online scheduler.

Reactions: How Your Own Responses May be Adding To Your Relationship Troubles

November 7, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

When you’re upset, do you tend to pull yourself inside or express yourself outwardly? Do you clam up or rain down imaginary hail on everyone around you? Which is your ‘go to’ reaction? And, could your reactions be making things worse? What you say or do may be ADDING TO the conflict and REDUCING the passion in your relationship.

If you pull energy inward, you may…

become quiet or mumble
make your body smaller by cowering
move behind something
leave the room
appear unaffected
block out what you’re hearing
construct a protective shell

If you expand energy outward, you may…

get louder or shout
make your body larger by standing up
use big hand and arm gestures
pace or stomp around the room
have an urgent need to talk about the issue NOW
follow or chase your partner around the house to get things resolved

Whether people contain their reactions or react outwardly, it is often because INSIDE they’re upset, frustrated or any number of painful feelings such as hurt, fear, rejection, or jealousy. We often have painful feelings because one or more of our needs are going unmet.

Needs such as…

being heard and validated
being understood and empathized with
getting affection and sexual stimulation
feeling valued and important
being loved and cared for.

Now, think about it from your partner’s perspective: if your reactions are any of the above, you may, in fact, be interfering with getting your own needs met. Here are a few examples: It’s going to be extremely difficult for your partner to validate you when you’re screaming. It’s also going to be difficult for your partner to understand you if you’re not telling her/him what you’re upset about. It’s going to be difficult for your partner to reach out to be affectionate if you are stomping around the room. Likewise it’s going to be difficult for your partner to express caring if you’re blocking out what’s being said.

In other words, your reaction may be ADDING TO the conflict and REDUCING the passion in your relationship. You may be getting in your own way and preventing yourself from getting your needs met and therefore contributing to your relationship troubles! How can you avoid doing this?

Next time you feel yourself getting upset, try to step back and think. What’s upsetting you?
Is it a need you have that’s not getting met? Then take it to the next level by asking yourself: “Will my reaction help me get that need met or will it ensure the opposite – that I don’t get that need met?”

You CAN control your reaction to a large extent. If you normally react inwardly and keep a neutral expression, make sure your partner sees that you feel hurt. If you normally clam up or leave, make sure you speak up (in a non-attacking way) and let your partner know what you are feeling. If you normally react outwardly and become louder, larger or more intimidating, try to react in a less dramatic fashion, so that your partner hears you and gets your point. This will give your partner the chance to see your needs and meet them rather than pushing him/her away. Don’t let your own reactions increase the conflict and reduce the passion in your relationship. You can create a happy, loving relationship where your needs are being met.

Sex: An Expression of Many Parts of Yourself

October 26, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

If you’ve been with your partner a long time, it’s likely that your sex life is vastly different now than it used to be. Couples in long-term relationships tell me all the time that they’re having less (or no) sex, and that it’s plain vanilla – the same tried and true position, or quick and to the point because of the kids and schedules.

When I talk about ‘sex’ I’m including all types of intimate contact. This includes:

holding hands
back scratches
foot rubs
kissing
oral and anal sex
masterbation
intercourse

In other words, any interaction between consenting adults. People engage in sex for many different reasons:

adult play
stress relief
expression of power and aggression
expression of sexuality
physical relief
a ‘reset button’ (a means to repair after a conflict)
love and closeness

Sex is a form of play for adults. Think of the ways kids know instinctively how to play. They climb on the playground, have pillow fights, dress-up and role-play both tender and aggressive characters. Sex can be an adult-version of play which serves many purposes:

physical stimulation
role-play and fantasy
a chance to be aggressive
a chance to relax, laugh, and have fun.

Hearing that sex is a chance to be aggressive may surprise you. Many people, especially women, are uncomfortable with their aggressive side. By aggression during sex, I don’t mean abuse, shaming or forcing someone to do something they don’t want to. I mean a healthy expression of aggression like taking control, being on-top, and making sure to get your own needs met. Sexual play gives us the chance to explore and express this assertive and powerful side of ourselves.

On the other side is passivity and submission. Again, I’m not talking about being unwantedly intruded upon or forced to do something you’re not into. Healthy passivity is allowing yourself to lay back, to receive pleasure, to let go emotionally and physically, to be held, and to receive love. Often it’s men who are uncomfortable with this side of themselves. Many times, if men are conflicted about this side of themselves they don’t allow it to be seen elsewhere and the only time they allow it to show up is during sex when they’re in connection with someone they trust.

Other people do the opposite: they only feel comfortable acting out these conflicted sides of themselves with a total stranger or someone they know they’ll never see again. If you’ve done this, I invite you to consider sharing this side of yourself with your long-term partner. Find the courage to let your partner know about these other sides of you. It can be highly erotic to discover something new about someone you’ve been with for a long time and thought you knew fully. Take it slowly until you know it’s safe emotionally. You could begin simply by telling your partner what you’d like or showing them without words. If you’re scared, preface it with “Please don’t laugh at me, but there’s something I’ve been thinking about…” Who knows, maybe the two of you will end up laughing together to relieve the tension. Maybe it will be a big hit – the new thing! Or maybe a big flop. The expression and the exploration is the best part here.

Sex with a long-term partner can be a safe place for all different aspects of ourselves to be expressed, explored, and played with. I keep choosing words with double meanings – DO take this both ways! Just talking about sex should be fun and playful.

Using sex to express other sides of yourself in the safety of someone you trust, even if you expresses things that don’t seem to be what men and women are typically ‘supposed to’ like, is good and healthy and normal. It’s an intimacy builder and a form of adult play. And we all need more play in our lives!

Health and Marriage: How Caring For Your Body Can Enhance Your Relationship

May 15, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Do you find that you are often sleepy, exhausted, or just plain out of energy? Do you feel insecure about your body and uncomfortable about being naked in front of your partner? Do you wish that you and your partner shared an activity that would help you both improve your health AND give you a chance to talk and connect?

Your body needs care. This is a fact that you cannot ignore. People who do not care for their bodies properly often end up with illness, injury, or their body breaking down. We often put the things we “should” do to keep our bodies healthy last on our list of priorities. After all, there are only so many hours in a day and we have many other important things to tend to. But, for the sake of your health AND your relationship, it’s essential that you don’t ignore your body

Getting the exercise you need to stay healthy doesn’t have to feel like blood, sweat and tears. It doesn’t mean you have to lift weights in a sweaty gym or run your heart rate up so high that you feel like your heart is going to burst out of your chest – unless you like that – and there are people who do!

My guess is that all people who exercise long-term do so not just for the health benefits, but also because they enjoy it. That’s the key to making your workout a permanent part of your lifestyle: finding some way to move your body that you enjoy. What would make working out more fun for you? Here are a few ideas:

Take a class to improve your skills or learn something new.
Is there a sport you like? Check out your recreation department or YMCA for adult teams/leagues.
Hire a personal trainer to work out with you both, together. (This can be a great source of shared laughter!)
Find a way to work out with your spouse. Reminisce about ways you used to exercise together when you first fell in love and find ways to do them again.
Think back to which healthy activities you loved to do as a kid and incorporate them into your routine.
If there’s a sport your kids compete in, look for ways you can get more involved.
Remember that sex is a form of exercise. Are you having the type and frequency of sex you most enjoy or is there a need to communicate with your partner to make it better?

When trying something new or just beginning a workout routine, start small. You want these healthy changes to last, so that they become an enjoyable part of your life, rather than a burden.

Being healthy can have many positive effects on your relationship such as:

feeling better about being naked together
being more sexually responsive
feeling more energetic and adventurous
spending time together playing, having fun, and talking
reduced medical expenses which leads to more money for saving and playing.

You’ll improve your health AND your relationship. Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help you discover new ways to get healthy together. We have resources for area fitness centers, physical trainers, nutrition experts, and medical weight loss centers. And, as always, we can help you improve your connection with one another as you incorporate this new activity into your lives.

To learn more about how we can help, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Sex In Marriage: Keeping the Passion Alive, Post Children

April 17, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Remember when you were newlyweds and you couldn’t get enough of each other?

You’d dress up for dates so that you looked and felt sexy and then eagerly anticipate returning home together? And other evenings when you weren’t going anywhere, you’d slip something sexy on to spice things up in the bedroom? But now you are parents, and things have changed dramatically. Where did the excitement, passion, and anticipation go? How do we, as parents, maintain our sexual selves?

In our culture, good parents are presented as nurturing, self-sacrificing, and asexual. There is a disconnect between being a parent and being a sexual being. Many parents pass down this sense of detachment from their own sexuality in several ways:

disapproving of a child’s first sexual exploration (masturbation)
not speaking of sex
avoiding direct and factual discussions of the body

If you are like many couples, you probably enjoyed being sexual together early in your relationship. You could plan elaborate dates and spend time on foreplay. You took time to relax and explore one another during sex. It was hot. You felt sexy; you needed and wanted sex. Then you became parents and your sex life took a backseat.

It can be all too easy to put sex on the backburner, but in a world full of career, childrearing, running a household, and giving to others, sex can be a respite from the demands of everyday life. Both the mundane and the stress of daily living are transcended during sex play between married partners. It’s a way to close the door on the world and explore oneself and one’s partner with the only purpose being to experience pleasure and express love. It is a means for couples to connect in a way that they don’t with anyone else.

Most couples counseling emphasizes talking as the primary way to communicate. While talking is important, our bodies can communicate as much or more than our words. Sexual touch is a powerful communicator. It reminds us that ‘We really are connected. We DO love one another. It is safe to let go in front of my partner. He still desires me. She still gets excited at my touch.’ After an argument or disconnect, sex can feel like hitting the reset button for the marriage. It lets us know that, ‘We hit a rough patch, but now we’re connected once again.’

How do we bring good sex back into marriage? Finding new ways to think about sex can help.

Value your partner as a person who is different from you – think of him/her as a mystery to be rediscovered.
Think of foreplay as beginning hours or days before you plan to be together; flirt, enjoy each other’s company and let the anticipation build.
Value sex as a way to reconnect after an argument or rupture.
Remember that as a human, you are a sexual being and this is a gift.
Remember that having a strong marriage is an essential part of being a good parent; make sure you focus on your partner too, rather than just your children.
Talk to your physician about any physical issues that may be interfering with sex.
Talk to your therapist about any emotions that may be interfering.

To learn more about how to pump up the passion after you’ve had children, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

How Saying ‘No’ to Others Can Mean Saying ‘Yes’ to You and Your Relationship

February 21, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Your boss asks – or rather pressures – you to work this weekend. A deadline is quickly approaching and your contribution is crucial. But, you already had plans with your family. You feel stuck choosing between your job and your family.

Your parents or in-laws seem to make plans for you most weekends. It’s either some social function, asking you to help them at their house or just expecting your company. You wonder why your time has come to be determined by other people.

It can be hard to say ‘no’. Life presents many requests and demands on our time: career, household, parents, kids, in-laws, committees, groups – the list goes on and on. When you say ‘yes’ but really wanted to say ‘no’, you often end up feeling guilty, defeated and resentful. Sometimes even signing up for the fun things we WANT to do can leave us feeling overwhelmed!

So, how do you say ‘no’?

First, you (and your spouse if you’re married) must create time to reflect on what is truly important to you. Before you can live the life you long to have, first you have to create it in your minds. Then, write it down. Once you have this mission statement in writing, it will serve as a guide for making everyday decisions.

What do you value?
Where do you want to invest your time and energy?
What brings you joy and meaning?

Second, notice your initial, gut reaction when someone makes a request of you. Your very first feeling can be very telling.

Does your heart sink?
Do you feel inspired and excited?
Do you dread telling your spouse?
Are you eager to tell you spouse?

Third, learn the ‘YES, NO, YES’ response. Use this when want to say ‘no’ but are finding it difficult. The first ‘YES’ is about being true to what you (and your spouse) really value. When you are asked to do something, go back to your mission statement. If your boss is asking you to work this weekend but you have plans with your family, see what’s in your mission statement about this. Does it say, “We spend time together as a family doing what we all enjoy”? That’s what you’d be saying the first ‘yes’ to. ‘Yes’ to yourself, ‘yes’ to your relationship and ‘yes’ to your family.

The ‘NO’ is declining a request. This is hard for many people. It takes courage. Often, when it’s difficult, we acquiesce and then feel resentful or angry. Sometimes, we get verbally aggressive because we believe it’s the only way people will listen to us. However, it is possible to say ‘no’ calmly and respect the other person when it’s sandwiched between two “YES’s”.

The last ‘YES’ is a ‘yes’ to the other person. Although this isn’t your obligation or responsibility, it’s a gesture of caring. It’s a way for you to maintain your boundaries while offering another option. For example, suppose your in-laws expect you to cut their lawn because it’s getting harder for them to do it themselves, but you and your partner want to veg out at home after a long work-week. In this case, your last ‘yes’ could be offering to call a lawn maintenance company for them.

It IS possible to say ‘no’ to the things you really don’t want to be doing. Actually, this is a crucial skill: to know ourselves and what’s truly important and then to lead our lives in accordance with those values. The ‘YES, NO, YES’ response will help you and your partner to accomplish this.

To find out more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Receiving Love From Your Partner: It May Be Closer Than You Think

February 6, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Does the love/caring seem to be missing from your relationship?

Do you suspect that you both still love each other even though you don’t show it?

Many couples still have love between them even though it may not be apparent on a daily basis. In so many relationships, the love is buried under layers and layers of unresolved issues. If you look really hard you can see it, even if the only evidence is that your partner is still with you, contributes financially or loves your kids. If deep down you still love and care about your spouse, but lately all you see are the hurts between you, we can help.

In our intimate relationship, both joy and hurt are part of the journey. Yet it is our natural reaction to pull away from the things that hurt us, whether they are physical or emotional. Although it is extremely scary to be vulnerable to these hurts, the alternative is even worse: isolation. While others can’t hurt us when we isolate ourselves, we also are not open to the love and caring that is being shown to us. This is a profound paradox. Our hearts are protected, but they are also closed to receiving love.

So, how do we open ourselves to love in a relationship that sometimes hurts? We must uncover the love that has been buried. Start by recognizing it. The love may be difficult to see, but it is likely that there are ways your spouse is expressing it in her or his own way. It may be directly or indirectly shown through:

Saying “I love you”
Spending time with you
Buying gifts or small trinkets when he/she is thinking of you
Doing a task for you such as making your coffee just the way you like it
Going to work everyday
Being a good parent to your children
Making love to you

Allow yourself to notice the things he/she is doing or has done that communicate his/her love. Be mindful that his/her way of showing you love may be quite different from your way of showing love. Acknowledge the goodness that exists right here and now. It is closer than you think. By opening yourself to love, you will feel the divine joy and closeness that you deserve. And what greater pleasure is there on this journey than to love and be loved?

To learn how to open yourself to receiving love, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

When Your Relationship Feels Flat: How Humor Can Help

January 25, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Is the fun, light-hearted side of your relationship missing? Do things feel dull and blah between you and your partner? Do you have more fun with people other than your spouse? Have things felt this way for a while? It’s likely that things were dramatically different at the beginning of your relationship: it used to be fun. You used to love being together, touching, talking and kissing. You used to play and laugh with each other. But, not recently. You don’t know where that side of your spouse went. Come to think of it, you don’t know where that side of YOU went!

And as much as you may not feel like laughing when things are this dull and distant, humor can really help your relationship.

When was the last time you kidded around with your partner?
When was the last time you shared an inside joke?
When was the last time you were both bent over in hysterical laughter?

There is tremendous value in bringing that fun, humor-filled attitude back into your life. Humor connects people. Sharing jokes between you brings you closer and helps bond you. In addition, laughter helps us to see our lives more clearly. Sometimes we need a reminder that BOTH difficulty and joy exist in our relationships. It can be challenging to keep joy and playfulness in your heart when your relationship is going through difficulties. Remember though, that your relationship does have joy and goodness even in the midst of hard times. Life offers us plenty of moments of quirkiness, ironies,and absurdities.

Start by laughing at yourself. As humans, we make plenty of mistakes. There are so many idiosyncracratic things about each of us. Keep in mind that I’m not talking about self-deprecating humor; humor in which we put ourselves down. Instead, imagine that you can see yourself from another angle: a funny, jovial or playful way of seeing yourself.

Joke, laugh, and have fun with your partner. Be aware, though, that joking with your partner can be tricky. It’s a slippery slope to mocking and shaming. Teasing can easily turn to ridicule. We might try to excuse it away by saying, “It’s only a joke!” or “Can’t you take a joke?” However, some teasing is really criticism deeply disguised, so you have to be mindful about how your partner might feel. The goal here is to use humor to bring you and your partner closer to each other, not an opportunity to put your partner down. You don’t want to create more resentment and distance.

Find something neutral to introduce the humor back into your relationship. Laugh together at things you both find funny. It could be:

the silly things your kids do and say
a hilarious show or movie
a comedian whose humor you both like
something absurd that happened at work
a funny website
your pet’s curiosity and reactions to things
playing with your kids and your pets

Bringing laughter back into your lives can help change the tone of your relationship.

To find out more about how having fun together can help to bring you closer, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Share Your Passion: Teach Your Children To Love What You Love

January 14, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

What is it you love to do? Are you passionate about a sport, hobby, career or music? As parents, we want our kids to love the same things we do. We want them to experience the same joy we experience. Is there a way to make this happen? Can we teach our children to share our passion for something?

It’s likely that you know someone with his/her own passion who has been unable to get his/her kids involved. Maybe the child refuses to try. Or maybe the child participates, and even excels, at something the parents love, but doesn’t really feel any passion for it him/herself. The child might only participate because he/she has been pressured into it or feels it’s one way to get attention and praise.

That’s not what we want for our children. We expose them to the sport or hobby we are passionate about with good intentions: to share our excitement and joy with them. We long for them to feel the same enthusiasm that we do. We want them to incorporate this into their lives as they grow into adulthood. And naturally, we want them to excel at it, to go beyond the limits we reached ourselves.

We cultivate in our children a love for something by making it fun for them. We can do this by ensuring that there’s no pressure to perform or excel in competition. We can help them enjoy the learning process and teach them it’s okay to make mistakes. We should allow kids to experience our hobby the way that they naturally do, even though this might not necessarily be our way. It’s important to put aside your own agenda and goals. Really notice what your kids are experiencing and respond:

Is your child relaxed and laughing? Great, continue.
Is your child getting stressed or tense? Ask them what help they need and do your best to give it to them.
Does your child need a break? Then, by all means, take a break! This is not a race or competition.

Your goal at this early stage isn’t to develop her/him into a world class athlete or musician. Your goal is to grow your child’s love for this activity.

If teaching your child has been challenging at times, hire someone else to teach him/her. Enroll your child in a class or program with other children the same age. You don’t have to be the teacher, you only have to expose your child to it and make it a fun experience.

To make things fun for your children, you must also be connected with them. When I say connect with your child, I’m talking about sharing in his/her small accomplishments with enthusiasm, not criticism. Don’t focus on what needs to be done differently. You want them to feel happy, curious, and eager to try. Here’s how to connect with your child’s learning experience:

Notice and comment on times your child is trying his/her best.
Give praise when a task is performed correctly.
Do the activity yourself so you can model how much happiness this brings you.
Attend and watch practices and performance.
Don’t check email while you are there.
Don’t just drop off and pick up.

Showing interest in your child’s learning experience will show him/her your love for this endeavor and will also show your love for him/her.

To learn how to grow your child’s interests without pushing them too hard, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

The Importance of Sex in Marriage

November 14, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Remember the intensity of sex at the beginning of your relationship? Sex was fun, passionate and, likely, more frequent than it is now. The fact that this romantic stage of relationship fades is a normal, and certainly disappointing, course of a committed relationship. Once the intensity wears off or the frequency dies down, you may view sex any number of ways: as something you miss, something you no longer have the time or desire for, or something you’re relieved not to have to do. Read More

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