Solving the Most Common Relationship Issues: My Partner Doesn’t Emotionally Support Me

July 18, 2019 by admin in Emotions, Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Does this situation sound familiar to you? You have a terrible day at work, which includes making a mistake your boss noticed and having a disagreement with a co-worker. You come home feeling exhausted, frustrated, and concerned about your job security. You can’t wait to talk to your partner about your bad day so they can make you feel better. But as you relay your experience, you are met with “you’re just overreacting and feeling worried for nothing. Stop being crazy, it will be fine.” If this experience sounds familiar, you aren’t alone. Many couples are struggling to meet their partner’s emotional needs. Often, it isn’t coming from a place of bad intentions, but rather lack of knowledge.

Think about what we learn about emotions from our culture. People are expected to be one of two things-neutral or happy of course! But the reality is, as humans, we can all feel a wide spectrum of emotions -sadness, fear, disappointment , frustration…just to name a few. It can be hard to see someone we love feeling these difficult emotions. We want our partner to be happy. How can couples respond in a way that’s emotionally supportive?

-Moderate Your Own Emotions-While we want our partner to support us, as mature adults we are responsible for managing our own emotions. If you are feeling highly escalated, think about some ways you can bring yourself back down to a calmer place before approaching your partner. Take a walk, listen to some soothing music, pet the dog-whatever activity helps deescalate you. Once you are feeling calmer, you will be in a better place to seek the support you need from your partner.

-Be clear with your needs-It’s easy to feel confused at times about what exactly your partner needs from you when they vent about their emotions. I know in my marriage there are times when I simply want to “vent” without any advice from my partner, but there are times I am seeking his advice. When I became frustrated with him for doing the wrong thing, he once said to me “well how am I supposed to know if this is one of the times you just need to vent?” Great question! Let your partner know how exactly they can emotionally support you. Be clear in your communication with phrases like “I just want someone to give me a hug and tell me they’re sorry I’m feeling sad.”

-Validate each other-The skill of validation is a tough one, but one of the most important ones you will use in a healthy relationship. Validation is simply saying to someone “you make sense to me.” Often, we do the opposite. We invalidate each other’s feelings with statements like “you are just being crazy” or “you worry too much”. This happens because we wouldn’t feel that way if we were in that situation. But validation does not equal agreement! While you may not feel that emotion in that particular situation, that doesn’t mean it isn’t a valid emotion for your partner. Knowing that your partner has their own lens with which they view the world, try to understand that they have a different perspective and are entitled to their own feelings. The more you can validate your partner, the more likely your partner is to feel emotionally supported (and the more likely you are to receive it in return).

Learning how to be an emotionally supportive partner and learning how to seek the support you need are crucial skills for staying connected to your partner! For more information, or help with these skills, contact us for an appointment at 908-246-3074 or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

My Partner Makes Me Want to Scream!

January 29, 2019 by admin in Emotions, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Have you ever had one of those conversations where your partner says something minor that leaves you enraged or bursting into tears? What do you do when your partner triggers intense emotions in you? The first response in most of us is to want our partner to stop it. We want our partner to change so we don’t have to feel that distress. Another thing we tend to do is distract ourselves; we pull out a smart phone, look for something to eat, make a drink, or do some other compulsive behavior. We want to numb the pain we are feeling. At times what we want is to stuff our feelings away. It is like shoving them in a bottle and putting a cork in it. We want to contain them and hope that they will go away. Unfortunately, that is a myth. Now we are walking around with bottled up painful emotions, and that cork can blow at any time! When it does, that’s when we get triggered by something minor. We have an intense response to a very small event because our emotions have been locked away. The other problem with these unhealthy methods of dealing with your painful emotions is that any further conversation with your partner at this time will likely lead to arguments. You will not be able to effectively discuss anything when flooded with intense emotions. When your partner makes you want to scream, how do you deal with it in a better way? We want to share our 3-step method to help bring you back to a calm, peaceful centered place, and deal with these intense emotions in a healthy manner.

The first thing you can do is first simply notice your emotion(s). Rather than pull out your phone or distract yourself, pay attention and ask what am I feeling right now? Maybe your emotion shows up as a physical sensation. For some people, they might have a nervous habit of picking nails, they may fear feel in their gut, or tension or stress in their jaw or shoulders. Maybe you experience strong emotion in another way. Your first action is to pause and simply notice what you are feeling right now.

Step two is to name the feeling. Often people call most of their feelings ‘frustration’. However, there is a wide range of painful experiences we can have. Give yourself a second to consider exactly what the feeling is at the time. Perhaps its loneliness, rejection, sadness or loss. It could be fear, concern, worry, shame or embarrassment. Naming the emotion can be difficult, but helpful in better understanding what’s going on inside of you.

The third step is to give yourself a healthy way to get those emotions out. For some people it means talking to someone they trust. If you do this, be careful who you pick. For example, don’t pick someone who is quick to talk about themselves or quick to give you advice. You likely won’t feel heard or satisfied. Find someone who is a good listener so you are able to really get the painful emotions out. Another healthy way people get emotions out is by engaging in an activity. Some people express themselves by creating art, writing about it, or creating or listening to music. Some people get emotions out simply by crying, walking or running, even cleaning. All these suggestions are ways to get emotions out that get them released in a healthy way; a way that isn’t going to damage other people and is not stuffing them down and hoping they go away.

If your partner was the one who triggered these emotions, you need at least 20 minutes to do this 3- step technique to bring yourself back to center before talking with them. Once you are coming from a calm peaceful place you will be able to approach your partner about what you are unhappy with, and have a productive and effective conversation. Do you need the tools to have a productive and effective conversation with your partner? If so, call us at 908-246-3074, or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment with one of our relationship experts.

The ‘Bad’ Emotions: What to do with Anger & Sadness

September 15, 2017 by admin in Emotions, Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

by Meredith Keller & Debby Deroian

Some emotions have a very bad reputation! Sadness, fear, shame and jealousy are all considered negative and things we ‘shouldn’t’ feel. We get these messages from society, from mass media and from our families (both when growing up and presently). The reality is that no emotion is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ because humans are endowed with the ability to feel ALL emotions. They can serve to process loss, to keep us safe and to guide us to do the right thing. The trick with painful emotions is in HOW you express (or act on) them. In this article, we’ll focus on anger and sadness.

It was our parents or caregivers who originally taught us (intentionally or unintentionally) how to deal with ‘bad’ emotions. How often have you heard a parent say to a crying child “Don’t cry. It will be okay”? Or how about when a child expresses fear and we say, “Don’t worry; you have nothing to be afraid of”? As parents, we don’t do this with malintent, of course. We don’t want to see our child sad, afraid or in pain because we experience the pain alongside them. But, what many parents fail to realize is: by trying to prevent our children from experiencing any painful emotions, we are only hindering their ability to learn how to deal with them effectively. One thing is certain; they will feel a variety of feelings throughout their lives, no matter how much we try to protect them.

Consider a scenario where a child is crying and a caregiver handles it in a different way. “I understand why you feel sad about your friend being mean to you.” This statement sends out a completely different message: “It’s okay to feel what you feel and I am with you right now”. Taking it one step further, the parent could help the child come up with a course of action such as “Let’s go together to talk to your friend and his/her parent about what happened.”

Regardless of how we learned to manage our emotions, as adults we are faced with feeling a wide range of them, and being able to manage them in healthy ways is key to strong relationships. So what are some ways we can manage our emotions when they arise?

-Find constructive ways to deal with them, not destructive

Anger is a great example. Let’s say we are angry at our partner for forgetting our birthday. If we have never learned how to manage anger in a healthy way, we may approach our partner with harshness or berating. OR we don’t speak to them for days. This certainly doesn’t remove our anger; in fact, it tends to have the opposite effect of fueling the anger. On the other hand, we could go to our partner and say, “I want to let you know I am really angry that you forgot my birthday.” Think about how the outcome might be different. Speaking aloud your feelings or writing them down are constructive ways to deal with them.

-Learn how to self-soothe

This is again, a hard thing as adult to know how to do, especially if we had the caregivers who jumped in to try to make us feel better immediately and weren’t comfortable with our painful emotions. While it is important, especially in relationships, for our partners to validate our emotions, we are all ultimately responsible for being able to manage our own emotions in a healthy way. Learning techniques, such as relaxation, breathing, connecting with a Higher Power, or any method that allows you to deescalate will be incredibly useful in relationships, and all aspects of our daily lives.

-Check in with yourself to see if you are expressing the emotion underneath anger

Often, we mask one emotion with another (because one might be more acceptable or ‘easier’ to feel than another). Let’s look at the above example of our partner forgetting our birthday. We may feel really hurt. But hurt or disappointment may be emotions we don’t think we should have a right to feel. We may tell ourselves “I’m being silly. It’s only a birthday and I’m sure he/she just had a busy day and forgot.” But since we don’t want to allow ourselves to feel the hurt, we allow it to come out as anger instead because anger is a less vulnerable feeling than admitting we are hurt. It would be okay to say, “I was hurt and disappointed that you forgot my birthday this year.”

Managing our emotion is a skill that, like many others, can be learned in adulthood and practiced. If you’d like help in learning how to manage your emotions, please contact us at 908-246-3074, or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment. We are blessed to have the privilege of helping people like you lead more peaceful, centered lives. We look forward to hearing from you.

Does Intimacy Mean Sharing Absolutely Everything?

October 12, 2015 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Comments Off

What is Intimacy? Is it tender and emotional sex each and every time? Is it sharing everything with one another? Is it constant closeness and togetherness? Popular belief says that those things make up intimacy, but that’s misleading AND unrealistic in a long-term partnership. For how could we possibly be together with our partner all the time? Quit work, neglect the kids, and abandon our responsibilities? Of course not. And sharing absolutely everything isn’t the ideal either. We know that too much familiarity dampens eroticism.

Couples therapy promotes intimacy but it certainly needs defining first. Yet, before I do that, I’m going to say more about what intimacy is NOT. Here are three pretty obvious ways to know when you are not in intimate connection with your partner. In fact, these actions are common and ineffective means of dealing with difficult emotions that sometimes arise in relationships…

1. Being preoccupied with changing something about your partner
2. Reacting in a habitual (often defensive) way to your partner
3. Exiting the partnership (doing things to get away from or avoid your partner)

Instead, intimacy is allowing your essence, your soul or spirit, to be seen by your partner. This means being open and vulnerable about what you truly think and feel but doing so without a motive or agenda. It also means allowing your true self to be present and show up fully in any situation, including during sex. You’re conscious and aware. And when your partner is available in an open and vulnerable way with you, you remain curious, non judgmental, and try to be understanding. You’re focused on what your partner is saying rather than on your thoughts about what he/she is saying. You’re in the present moment rather than focused on the past or future. This includes when difficult emotions arise.

It’s a myth that closeness occurs only when partners are feeling happy and peaceful together. Closeness can also occur when painful emotions are present and handled with vulnerability, understanding and empathy. This can be very hard to do at first, especially when one partner may be feeling hurt, sad, lonely, or rejected. Often our first instinct is to do one or more of those three behaviors I listed earlier. Remember – those behaviors hamper closeness and intimacy. Instead, sharing painful feelings in a healthy way can build a relationship and deepen intimacy.

Here are three ways to practice intimacy and closeness…
1. Ask for an Imago Dialogue (the structure to talk and listen in an open, understanding way)
2. Learn to tolerate your own painful emotions and to contain your reactions when your partner is bearing his or her soul to you
3. Learn to give and receive love in various ways (via your body, your words, and your actions).

When you view intimacy this way, you’ll have an accurate and realistic picture of what it is. All humans need closeness with at least one other person. It is my hope that you use these guidelines to get started or to deepen intimacy with the person you love most in the world.

Save Yourself From An Argument On Your Next Vacation

June 2, 2015 by admin in Family, Relationships | Comments Off

Imagine: you and your partner have planned a trip to a great summer destination. You each pack your own bags, arrive together, and unpack when you get to your room. Your bag contains: books, boardgames, movies, candles, an eye mask, massage oil, and an assortment of teas. You’ve been looking forward to lazy days lounging around indoors so you can unwind on this trip. You look over as your partner unpacks her bag and can’t believe your eyes! Her bag contains: a snorkel, flippers, sport glasses, daypack, hiking boots, cycling shoes, shorts & helmet. What?!

Now your thoughts begin to run wild: “She isn’t planning on spending any time with me this trip. She prefers doing activities to being with me. She’s here to enjoy the locale, not to enjoy MY company. How could she not know we’re here to lounge and RELAX?!?” Maybe your partner’s thoughts begin to run wild as she can see what things you’ve packed. She may be telling herself: “She isn’t planning on spending any time with me this trip. She prefers lounging around to being with me. She’s here for R&R, not to enjoy MY company. How could she not know we’re here to have fun exploring TOGETHER?!?”

What can get generated by this stuff we’re telling ourselves? Feelings! Both partners may come to feel hurt, disappointed, concerned, sad, annoyed. And if there’s any similarity between this scenario and your childhood, this situation is being exacerbated by your history of past hurts. And all this on a vacation you’ve spent effort and money to make happen!

Not verbalizing what you’re thinking BEFOREHAND, gets couples in alot of trouble. In addition to the time it takes to plan your trip, book your flight, & arrange for the house to be taken care of, add in time to talk about your expectations. Touch on…

• When we first arrive, I want to…
• During the trip, I’d like to…
• It’s not a big deal to me if we don’t get to…
• My intention for this vacation is…
• How you and I can enjoy each other’s company is…
• I imagine how much time we’ll spend with others vs. by ourselves is…

A 30 minute conversation before you leave could save you from conflict, arguing, and hurt feelings when you’re there. It will allow for more time for what you’ve traveled for: to enjoy each other, to relax and/or feel excited, and to reconnect with yourself.

SERENITY NOW: Why George Costanza’s Father Had Half of it Right

September 22, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

If you’re like most of us, your partner can trigger you like no one else can – with the possible exception of your mother! Sometimes all it takes is a few words or the wrong look and your reaction is immediate and intense – you’re angry, upset, hurt and reacting with a lot of emotion.

Think of a time when your partner said or did something that triggered your emotions. Now measure your emotional intensity on a scale of 0 to 10 with the following:

0 = you feel no emotions other than calm and peaceful
5 = your emotions are moderately strong, whether it’s frustration, sadness, rejection, isolation or something else
10 = your emotions are the most intense you can feel and you act impulsively, doing and thinking things that shock even you.

What number did you get to from 0 to 10? Was your emotion instant or gradually building?

Did you find yourself reacting with words or behaviors (exploding or shutting down)? Can you feel your self get triggered with:

a rising up in your chest
tension in your jaw
moving anxiously

Can you hear yourself get triggered with:

defensiveness
blaming
shaming
criticism
slipping into silence

What would it be like to keep your cool instead? This seems easy to consider when you’re calm, but can be very difficult to actually begin doing. Although you should address whatever your spouse did or said that triggered you, the time for doing so is not when your emotions are heightened.

Here are some things that can help stop or slow down those instant reactions in the moments when you feel triggered:

take a deep breath
drink a glass of water or make yourself a hot, soothing, non-alcoholic drink
go into the bathroom to remove yourself for a minute
say a prayer
imagine yourself settling back down
Have a phrase you tell yourself silently to settle yourself down to a 1 or 2 such as
- “I can stay calm and be okay right in this moment.”
- “I could react right now but I’m choosing not to.”
- “To react right now would only do more damage.”
- “Just because my spouse is emotional (at a 5 or above), I can stay at a much lower number.”

Remember George Costanza’s father yelling, “SERENITY NOW”on Seinfeld? Mr. Costanza used a good phrase- he had the right idea- but his emotional intensity was clearly at an 8 or so. Used properly, the phrase you choose should help calm you back down to a much less intense level of emotion.

When you’ve calmed back down to a 0, 1 or 2, it’s a better time to talk about whatever triggered you. Ask your partner for a dialogue. For example, you might say, “I noticed I had a reaction yesterday to ___ and would like to talk to you about it. Is now a good time?”

Your ability to contain your feelings and reactions shows maturity. Keeping your cool is a huge factor in a healthy marriage. It will help you deal effectively and productively with hot button issues and is an essential skill all couples must learn in order to progress in couples counseling.

Maintaining a happy, healthy, long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Get a Grip: How to Keep Emotional Reactions From Hurting Your Marriage

July 7, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Events, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Your emotions have a huge impact on your marriage. Whether your reaction to these emotions is to show them on the outside OR to keep outside of your awareness, your reaction might be driving your partner away. After many times of reacting similarly, a pattern sets in. This pattern may be a big contributor to the difficulties in your marriage.

People react differently when they have an emotion inside. Some people are overreactors and some are underreactors. An overreactor is very obvious. When they’re emotionally triggered by something, they can react with their body. They might clench their fists or jaw, stomp around, point, or stand up to appear bigger. You can see their emotions in their face: anger, sadness, crying, or disappointment. They can also react with their voice by yelling, raging, cursing, using sarcasm, bemoaning, complaining, or non-stop talking.

An underreactor is trickier to see. These people tend to shut down and close off from others. They may not even know they are feeling anything. Underreactors may leave the room or the house, curl up their shoulders, go off to bed, or turn to some distraction like the computer. It might show up if they say very little, are silent, or speak quietly. Often you can hardly tell by their face that anything is going on because there’s hardly any change in their expression. Many times you can hardly tell that an underreactor is having any feeling at all because they hardly show it. They’re just as upset on the inside as an overreactor; it’s just that it isn’t evident on the outside.

Your emotion (or what looks like your lack of emotion) is deeply affecting your spouse. You are so closely connected to your spouse, even if you currently feel distant, that your spouse can pick up on your feelings. And it DOES affect us to be in the presence of someone who feels angry, sad, or disappointed. Unless your spouse can stay calm and connected to you, your spouse likely has difficulty with your emotion and your reaction to your emotion. So, when you have a painful feeling, your spouse reacts to it.

Whether your spouse is an underreactor or overreactor will determine just how your spouse reacts to your emotion. Now, the two of you are experiencing painful emotions and reacting to them. For most couples in conflict or with great distance between them, this pattern is a big problem in and of itself.

All humans have emotions. We definitely have emotions when it comes to our spouse because we are so connected to this person. Rather than continuing to freak out OR to shut down:

Stop and think before you overreact or underreact.
Notice what it is you are feeling.
Think about how you would like to react instead that will not cause a secondary problem.
Reach out to talk to someone who supports your marriage and will help you sort through things.

This skill ALONE will have a profound effect on your spouse and everyone around you. Plus it’s your duty as an adult to know how to handle yourself and your emotional reaction to what life throws your way. You’re going to continue to have feelings about life’s events. Here at the Couples Therapy Center, we teach people what to do with their emotions: how to identify them, how emotions are showing up in your body as tension or illness, AND how to react to them in a way that keeps your relationship intact! Taking these steps can go a long way to achieving a stronger, more peaceful relationship. Here, you’ll learn the skills needed to stop overreacting or underreacting. Once you learn to react appropriately to all that life throws your way, you’ll find more peace and harmony both in your life and with your spouse.

To schedule an appointment to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

What Makes Your Therapist Tick?

June 16, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

When people learn that I’m a therapist, they often ask me how I can spend all day listening to other people’s problems. Many people imagine that my job is very difficult and draining. For some people it might be, but it’s not that way for me. I do this job because I love it. I was drawn to doing this type of work and it’s perfect for me. Why?

Because I notice people and their relationships. I can feel what they’re feeling. I can feel their painful feelings and I know how to help them feel better. I may be in a restaurant and notice a couple at another table who haven’t said more than two words to each other the whole meal. I can see the discouragement and disconnection on their faces. The passion and excitement is gone and I feel for them.

I notice how couples talk to one another. I recognize the small jabs they take at each other as criticisms disguised as jokes . I can feel how much it hurts them to be criticized by their partners and have to be ‘on guard’ in front of them. I also hear some couples’ constant bickering. It’s almost as if their only way to communicate is to argue or debate over every little thing. There’s a tension that goes along with always debating with someone. People who are always challenged don’t feel free to say what they’re really thinking for fear that their partner will take issue with it.

People tell me about their compelling need to check up on their spouse: reading their texts or emails and looking at their call log for evidence that their love is elsewhere. It is so unsettling not to be able to trust your spouse, who is the person you love most in the world and who is supposed to love you back.

I also see couples who spend most of their free time apart. Their interests lie outside of their marriage to the point that they hardly do anything fun and enjoyable together as a couple. I feel the loneliness and distance they feel in their marriage.

And then there’s divorce. Divorce is so painful. There is so much loss. There is the loss of the life you built together, the loss of the dreams you shared for your future, the loss of the person you once were deeply in love with, the loss of friends and the loss of your partner’s family. There is the financial setback as well, which includes the astronomical cost of the divorce proceedings and the cost of running a household with no other adult. There is the impact on the kids to consider. Divorce can feel devastating for children who long for their parents to be together or who feel caught in the middle of warring parents. Kids can feel uncertain and anxious after their world has been turned upside down. Kids feel the grief and sadness of their family breaking apart. Many people think things are going to be better once they divorce. In reality, it can take years to recover and feel okay again.

If you see yourself in what I’ve described, I want you to know that I feel what you feel. I can help you. I know that it doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to continue to feel these things. I know how to help with these problems. In fact, I love helping people with these problems and knowing that I’ve been part of their recovery process!

I give you the understanding and empathy you have been longing for. I give you the information that you need about how to deal with your difficult feelings and how to be a better spouse. We talk about what you want in your life and how you can take steps to get it. To finally get it! My work is so rewarding in this way. That’s why I do what I do. And it’s not just me. Here at the Couples Therapy Center, I have very carefully selected therapists who are similar to me in their ability to be understanding, empathetic, to feel what others feel, to have the same outlook on clients and know how to help them as I do.

To schedule an appointment call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Containing Our Emotions: When It’s Helpful To Hold Back

June 9, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I usually write about allowing our feelings to be felt, to be talked about, and to be shown. Today, I’ve been thinking about the opposite: containing them – and how to know when to do what!
Containing our emotions means to hold back how we’re feeling from someone else. It’s what we do when we know something’s going on inside of us because we have strong emotions about something, but we choose not to let it show on the outside. We deliberately decide not to say anything. We choose to stay quiet. We limit what our face expresses by refraining from rolling our eyes or frowning. We still our body and do not shrug our shoulders, cross our arms, or tap our feet.

Why would we want to do this? We do it to create safety for another person. Let’s say your spouse comes home with a scowl on his face. You’ve known him for a long time, you’re certain he is angry about something and you hope to God it’s not you! In the past, you may have had an emotional reaction to seeing him like this. Maybe it made you curious and you went into interrogation-mode. Maybe you felt frustrated with a long-standing pattern of him scowling and it made you want to roll your eyes in a “there-he-goes-again” sort of way. Maybe you felt scared that he was angry with you and you tried to assuage him by making a joke or offering him something to eat. Maybe your fear of his look made you want to get away: go upstairs, call a friend, do something with the kids – anything! – just to avoid him.

To hold back your emotions means that you keep whatever you’re feeling from showing on the outside. In this case, the wife wouldn’t question her spouse, mock him with or without words, offer him food (or a drink!), or run away from him. Instead, she would notice (with her mind) what she feels and what she has the impulse to do. She would make a mental note of what’s going on inside of her without talking out loud. A mini-light bulb goes off inside her head: “Oh, I’m feeling ______ when he comes home like that!” Then she makes a deliberate decision to keep the feeling from showing with words, a look on her face, a move of her body, or an action she takes.

Containing our emotions from our married partner is an important tool that great relationships have. It’s a valuable tool that comes in handy in some situations, but not all. Just as a hammer is great for putting a nail in the wall but not for screwing in a screw, this is a relationship tool that works great when it’s needed.

How do we know when containment is what’s needed? Containment is needed when we want to create a space for our spouse to open up about him/herself, to work something through, or to get out what’s going on with him/her. It can work especially well when our spouse is hurting or ashamed. At those times, questioning is the last thing most people want. When you contain your feelings (because you see your spouse has a difficult feeling that needs to be worked out), you are doing something important for your partner. Rather than add your feelings to what your spouse is already going through, you keep things separate. Your emotions stay separate from his. This separation gives your spouse the space and time to experience, work though, or talk about what the scowl is about. It creates in your home and your relationship a safety for each spouse to have whatever feeling they have without having to worry about their partner’s reaction to it. It’s hard enough to feel hurt, lonely, discouraged, or hopeless without having to deal with your partner’s feelings about your feelings. It gets complicated, quick! And those kinds of complications set the stage for arguments and feeling misunderstood.

You can ask to talk about your own reactions or feelings at a later time, after your spouse has worked it through or calmed down. But, for now, respect that your spouse is allowed to have his/her feelings. Sit and listen if your partner will talk or give him/her space if that’s what he/she wants: all with the intention of making your relationship a safe place for you both to turn when you need love and comfort.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment, call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

What Was THAT All About?! Why Your Partner is Freaking Out Over Nothing and What You Can Do About it

April 7, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Have you ever seen someone have a very strong reaction to something that seems minor? From your perspective, you’re wondering what the big deal is. Why are they getting so upset?

Of course, this happens all the time in marriages and other intimate relationships. We see our spouse “freak out” over something small. Often, we don’t even know what triggered their anger or upset. When one partner witnesses the other get upset about something that seems trivial, it can be very confusing. Many times, people in my office will tell me that their partner got very upset – and they had no idea why.

So, why ARE they getting so upset? It boils down to this – their apparent “overreaction” is actually 20% triggered by whatever just happened and 80% triggered by something from the upset person’s past. In other words, the incident that just occurred touched upon something deeper inside that person. It may have brought to the surface an old hurt that hasn’t been worked through fully. This old hurt could be something that happened earlier in the current relationship, during a former relationship, or during childhood. As gifted Imago Master Trainer, Maya Kollman M.A., taught me, “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”

This may help the witnessing partner to keep things in perspective. It’s likely that when you see someone very upset, her/his own past issue has been activated. Of course, the exception to this is if you did something to intentionally hurt your partner, or did something that was abusive, neglectful, or unacceptable to them. In these cases, the level of upset would be proportionate to the level of pain you inflicted and is quite different from what I’m discussing in this article. What I’m describing here are those times when a partner has intense reactions to minor events – where the reaction is way out of proportion to the actual incident.

So, how does knowing that the reaction may be rooted in the past help your relationship? What do you do when your partner is having a strong reaction to something that seems minor to you? Use the basic Imago tool of mirroring. With mirroring, you paraphrase your partner’s comments back to him/her. For example you would say, “I hear that you’re very angry that the dishwasher was loaded that way.” Mirroring is different from agreeing. Just because you reflect back what was said doesn’t mean you agree. OR, you may decide to acknowledge your 20% responsibility for the trigger by saying something like, “Yes, I did try to fit as much as I could in the dishwasher and the dishes didn’t come out clean.” When dealing with a very upset person, the most important role you can take is that of a calm witness and understanding presence. Try to stay with them through their upset (unless they are attacking or shaming you).

Realizing that they are not just reacting to the dishes, but also to something from their past that hasn’t been resolved yet will help you to remain a calm witness for them. In this example, perhaps your partner grew up in a filthy house and hated that filth because they felt uncared for. Having dishes come out of the dishwasher dirty would touch upon that historical hurt and cause a major reaction to a minor incident. Keeping the historical perspective in mind will help you to stop taking things so personally and help you begin to understand your partner better. Knowing the reaction was triggered by something out of your partner’s past will help you to stay calm and mirror your partner’s words. In turn, your unruffled presence and mirroring will have a calming effect. This is one more way we can show love to our partner.

To schedule an appointment or to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

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