Defining Imago: What is it and how can it improve your relationship?

March 28, 2014 by admin in Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Do you ever wonder if you married the wrong person? Are you sometimes frustrated that you can’t seem to discuss anything important without it escalating into an argument? Do you wonder why your partner changed from the person you fell in love with? Do you rarely have fun and laugh together anymore? Do you feel that, except for the children, your marriage was a mistake? If you answered yes to any of these questions, know that you are not alone.

You can probably recall the beginning of your relationship when you were in love. You may have noticed the relationship “just felt right” or you may have seen your new spouse as “the only one for me.” When these initial feelings subside, as they do in all marriages, it leaves us wondering what happened. In place of the fondness, we might feel angry, lonely, hurt, or sad. People react to this tremendous change any number of ways.

Some become angry, pleading, demanding or quiet. Others spend more time doing things without their spouse because they feel better elsewhere. We may view our spouse as our adversary and words become weapons. Resentments build. Some couples consider divorce. Welcome to the Power Struggle. This is a normal stage of marriage, but it certainly doesn’t feel normal. In fact, it feels awful.

All of us want love and attention. When we received these things from our spouse early in the relationship it felt wonderful. Now we find ourselves feeling hurt and angry. In response, we do what we used to do as children to get love and attention: yell, scream, withdraw, and pout. The power struggle is a cry for connection. It occurs, in part, because we are doing what we know how to do in order to get love and attention. Ironically, doing these things gets us the opposite of what we want. Although we long for connection, we are unconsciously sabotaging ourselves from getting it.

As adults, we need to find new ways to get the love, attention, and connection we desire. Imago Relationship Therapy helps us accomplish this by teaching couples to use language as a tool of connection and by helping couples reconnect in fun and meaningful ways.

Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt created Imago out of their therapeutic work with couples and work on their own relationship. Their book, Getting The Love You Want, details this process and is a New York Times bestseller.

Imago therapy teaches couples to choose words with the intention of connecting with their spouse. “Connection,” in this case, means talking openly about ourselves with our partner and listening when they talk openly about themselves. The marriage is a safe place. It is safe because both partners seek to understand each other in an environment free of blame, shame, and criticism. We feel connected to our spouse, we have their attention, and we feel loved.

In my work with couples, I help them create a loving and connected relationship by:

Defining their ideal relationship
Getting into the habit of appreciating one another and noticing what’s going well
Choosing words with the purpose of increasing connection
Learning to truly listen to their partner and step into his/her shoes
Finding the caring and empathy they had for one another when they first got together
Making time for fun and sexual connection so spending time together is pleasurable
Approaching and resolving conflict as a team working for the benefit of the marriage.

Couples can awaken the love and closeness they used to feel for one another. As Cindy Ricardo, a wise, fellow Imago therapist wrote, “Imago: Create the relationship of your dreams.”

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Rules for Fair Fighting: How to Keep Your Head in the Middle of a Heated Argument

January 29, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

You’re seeing red. You’re in the middle of a heated argument with your spouse when the gloves come off:

Do things get ugly?
Are you screaming your head off?
Does the argument veer off the original topic until you’ve covered just about everything you’ve ever been upset about?
Do you follow your partner around the house because you just have to finish the discussion now?
Do you bring up the things you know will most hurt your partner?
Are you so angry that you forget the kids are within earshot OR right there witnessing the whole thing?

Our feelings ARE intense, particularly in the middle of an argument. Anger seems to take over, compelling us to do and say things we’d never say otherwise. When our emotions are in full swing it’s almost as if we can’t think straight. In fact, this isn’t far from the truth. When emotions fire from the most primitive part of our brain, the thinking functions of our logical neo-cortex are compromised. We go into fight or flight mode. The rational part of our brain no longer works in its full capacity and our cognitive skills aren’t fully functional.

Sometimes the rational side does peek through while all this is going on, even if it’s a fleeting thought such as:

I’m acting like a 3 year old!
I’ve lost control of myself.
What were we originally arguing about?
If anyone else knew I get like this, they’d be shocked.

It’s important to know that all partners get angry with each other at times. Anger is an intense emotion that is okay to feel, just like all of our emotions. However, we need to make a distinction between feeling anger and acting on it. All feelings are okay, but not all actions are.

In moments of anger, the adult in you must stop the three year-old in you from acting out. Since you want things to be different in your relationship, you must act differently. You must deliberately choose what to do and say, even when you’re enraged.

This is why we all need ground rules around fighting. This is even more important if you grew up seeing abusive or violent arguing. Here are the rules for fair fighting:

Don’t name call or curse. Talk about your anger directly. Say, “I’m enraged at you right now!”
Don’t leave or hang up abruptly. Exit like an adult with, “I can’t talk about this right now. I’m too angry. I’ll be back in (give a time.)”
Don’t chase your partner around the house. Give him/her the space needed and talk about it later when you’re both calmer.
Don’t bring up all the other incidents you’re still upset about. Learn to say, “That’s a different topic for another discussion.”
Don’t let things get physical. Stay in control of your body and if that feels too hard to do, get yourself into anger management treatment.

And most importantly:

Start couples counseling so you can both learn to discuss issues calmly.

Next time you’re in an argument, choose one rule to adhere to. You NEED to control yourself. That means finding FAIR ways to handle any anger between you and your partner. Remember: if you want your relationship to get better, you must begin to do things differently.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Sex in Marriage: Where Has The Passion Gone?

January 21, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

If you and your spouse have been together for some time, it’s possible that you’ve been having the same, uninspired sex for a while now: same positions, same day/time/place, same techniques. It may be enjoyable and comforting to be together, you may like the physical release, or both, but it’s definitely not as hot as when you first got together. This is fairly common and it’s a big disappointment for many, many couples. They are left wondering: where has the passion gone?

Then, add to the mix an attractive acquaintance, long-time friend, or even a stranger and you might find yourself becoming sexually aroused around someone other than the person you committed yourself to. Many people take this attraction to the next level and an affair starts. Even when there’s no affair, people are surprised they’ve become attracted to another person. Most people never intended that to happen. There are multiple reasons affairs can start. Perhaps…

your sexual needs weren’t being met in your marriage.
you were craving feeling wanted, desired, and sexy again.
you were angry at your spouse and wanted covert, or overt, revenge.
you liked who you were when you were with this other person.
it was scarier to allow yourself to be deeply vulnerable with your spouse than to have a more limited relationship.
it was scarier to deeply love and be loved by a long-term partner than to have a sex-only relationship.

Let’s go back to your primary partnership. The relationship with your long-term partner certainly didn’t start out this way. If you are like many couples, you probably were ecstatic being sexual together early in your relationship: tender, loving and on fire all at the same time. You were discovering your partner, his/her preferences, his/her body, and who this new person was. This mystery was exciting and sexy. Bridging your two worlds to connect was thrilling and hot.

But now, the intense, passionate sex has subsided with your spouse because she/he is familiar. A fellow Imago therapist, Esther Perel, describes this in her compellingly titled book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic. And, no, it has nothing to do with the mating habits of apes living in zoos.

So how do we bring attraction and hot sex back into marriage?

Re-envision your partner as a mystery to be rediscovered.
Don’t assume you know all about your partner. Be curious about the sides of him/her that you don’t typically ask about.
Make a ‘sex date’ once a week for erotic touch or talk, not necessarily intercourse. Don’t discount this one. It makes your sex life at least as important as other parts of your lives together, which was likely the case at the beginning of your relationship when things were hot.
Remember that having a strong marriage is an essential part of being a good parent. Make sure you focus on your partner as well as your children.
Talk to your physician about any physical issues that may be interfering with sex.
Talk to your therapist about any emotions that may be interfering.

To learn more about how to pump up the passion and/or to work though an affair, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

How to Give a Meaningful Gift That Can Help You Reconnect With Your Partner

December 20, 2013 by admin in Emotions, Holidays, Relationships | Leave a comment

You’re online or in a store shopping for a present for your partner and you don’t have a clue what would make a good gift. Maybe you don’t know what he or she wants. Maybe one of you is out of work or you are feeling the recession in some other way. Maybe there’s a chill in the relationship and neither of you is feeling particularly motivated to buy a gift. Whatever the case, you want to get something and you want it to be something that your partner will appreciate.

I’ve written before on how to find the perfect gift. If you are looking to buy something for your partner you can:

Do the re-romanticizing exercise to get a list of the exact things your partner wants.
Listen closely to what your partner says when you’re out at a store, reading the paper, or out with friends.
Find out if your partner keeps a file of wish list items (on paper or stored with online retailers).
Ask your partner’s friends, or the kids, if they know what your partner wants.

But you don’t have to spend a lot of money to give your partner a meaningful gift. How about a gift that is thoughtful rather than material? Have you ever received a gift that was created by someone that reflects the relationship, history, or values that the two of you share? These can be the most precious gifts of all. In a culture marked by consumerism and disposable goods, gifts like this can be a welcome departure from buying more THINGS and spending more MONEY.

To create a meaningful gift:

Create an album of photos of the good times you’ve shared together.
Do the Flooding Exercise to shower your partner with appreciations.
If you’re artistic, draw, paint, or sculpt a symbol of your union.
If you’re musical, compose something for him/her.
If you’re poetic, personalize lyrics of an existing song and sing it (or have it sung by a professional if your singing sounds like nails on a chalkboard).
If you’re physical, give your partner an amazing massage on a date night that you’ve planned. Include massage oil and music in an uninterrupted and relaxing space.
If you’re visual, create a paper chain and write the name of a special place, a memory, or a joke the two of you share on each link.

What if there IS tension and distance between the two of you right now? Sure, it’d be emotionally easier to give a new tie or even a new car. For one, at least you got them something. Secondly, a hot new toy can serve as a distraction from what’s going on in your relationship. I want you to consider going out on a limb instead. If you create a meaningful gift, it will be as if you’re extending an olive branch or peace offering to your partner. Even if your partner has been giving you the cold shoulder or has been nitpicking at you, underneath their hard shell, he or she is likely longing to be close to you. You partner may have difficulty admitting it, but it’s likely that he or she is dying to receive your love and attention.

Imago therapists like to say, “The conflict is a cry for connection.” A meaningful gift can be a great way to help move past the conflict and connect with one another. Be the one to extend your hand to connect – even for a moment. Be the person who is brave enough to admit that, you too, want this closeness. Be the change you want to see by giving a truly meaningful gift.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Getting What You Want: How Asking the Right Way Can Help You Get It

December 4, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Most people are good at complaining and making negative comments about the things they aren’t happy with. It’s so easy to nag, pressure, nitpick and criticize. The critical comments roll off our tongues so easily; we often make them without giving them a second thought. Think about it – how many times have you voiced a complaint out of frustration? How often have you grumbled a comment at your spouse or partner like, “You’re never home?” When you stop and think about it, will that comment make your spouse want to be home more often? Most likely it will not. Asking for what you want in a different way can have dramatically different results – and just might get you the things you are hoping for.

Perhaps we don’t realize that our critical comments won’t get us what we really want. In fact, negative comments, complaints and criticisms are likely to cause arguments and drive our partners further away. How can we change the way we handle these situations so that we get the results we want?

Learn to ask for things effectively. There are three simple steps.

Identify exactly, specifically what you want. (For example, instead of focusing on the fact that your spouse is never home, think of a time you’d like him or her to be home – perhaps for dinner together on Wednesday nights.)
Keep the request brief.
Put it into words so that your spouse is much more likely to oblige. Asking kindly is far more likely to be successful than making an insistent demand would be.

You’ll find that asking for what you want in this simple and direct manner will have wonderful results. Your comments will no longer become a point of contention or cause an argument. Instead, you’ll find that when you stop criticizing and complaining and ask specifically for what you want that you will be far more likely to get it.

Many clients I’ve worked with in the past have found this to be very powerful in areas of their lives where they used to feel powerless. Now they know what they want and can verbalize it. I’ve had clients tell me they’re amazed that now that they ask for things differently from their spouses, their spouses give them much more of what they want. In fact, one of my clients wrote in a testimonial on my website: “I can’t believe it was this easy all along, I just had to ask differently!”

Of course using these three simple steps to ask for what you want is not a magic spell. There will still be times when your spouse says, “no.” Even so, your relationship will benefit. Instead of becoming an argument or cold war, you can both move on. In cases where your spouse won’t or can’t do or give the things you are asking of him/her find a healthy way to get that need met elsewhere.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center, call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com and use our online scheduler to find an appointment right now.

Relationships: Finding Harmony, Even During Hardships

November 15, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships | Leave a comment

Every once in awhile, something unprecedented happens and we suddenly find ourselves out of our normal routine and dealing with either minor inconveniences or extreme difficulties caused by circumstances beyond our control. Many of us found ourselves in just such a situation recently when Hurricane Sandy blew through.

During the aftermath of the storm, our lives were disrupted. Most of our normal activities were put on hold. Families found themselves spending hour upon hour together with no one leaving for work or school and without the distractions of lights in other rooms, TV, Internet or phone. In addition, many found themselves living with extended family and friends who don’t normally live with them as they sheltered together to help cope with the storm’s destruction.

Extended time together, along with limited or no essentials such as water, heat, and electricity magnifies the normal family dynamics. If things are good, situations like this can help you pull together even more. If things are not so good, the additional stress can bring out the difficulties that were already brewing. Family patterns arise even more intensely under this type of stress. The same is true for couples.

If couples and families were working well together, it’s likely that there was harmony doing tasks like:

getting generators running
finding alternate ways to cook and stay warm
cleaning up together
helping loved ones and neighbors and those in hardest hit communities
taking on projects
identifying who is good at which task and divvying up chores
modeling for your children resiliency, gratitude, and philanthropy
increased sex/physical closeness

If there was discord, the tension likely got worse and included:

more arguing
more disagreements (about the big stuff AND the small stuff)
emotional distance

How can we ensure that we will work together when difficulties arise and avoid breaking apart? First, we need to recognize some things that are essential in order to have harmony in marriage:

know that your partner is different from you and value his/her strengths
have gratitude that this person is your partner in life
be able to ask clearly for what you want and, if your partner can’t give it, find another healthy way to get it
take good care of yourself
view your marriage as a source of strength, companionship, and passion rather than focusing on what’s lacking
nurture the relationship by asking, “What does the relationship need?” as opposed to “What do I need from this relationship?”
allow yourself to receive the love that your partner is already giving
know that the occasional argument/hurt/anger is normal even in healthy relationships – it’s your ability to repair afterwards which makes the difference.

Experiencing hardship can strain any relationship. Learning to find harmony in these situations and in your everyday life will help you weather hardships and grow together.

Reactions: How Your Own Responses May be Adding To Your Relationship Troubles

November 7, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

When you’re upset, do you tend to pull yourself inside or express yourself outwardly? Do you clam up or rain down imaginary hail on everyone around you? Which is your ‘go to’ reaction? And, could your reactions be making things worse? What you say or do may be ADDING TO the conflict and REDUCING the passion in your relationship.

If you pull energy inward, you may…

become quiet or mumble
make your body smaller by cowering
move behind something
leave the room
appear unaffected
block out what you’re hearing
construct a protective shell

If you expand energy outward, you may…

get louder or shout
make your body larger by standing up
use big hand and arm gestures
pace or stomp around the room
have an urgent need to talk about the issue NOW
follow or chase your partner around the house to get things resolved

Whether people contain their reactions or react outwardly, it is often because INSIDE they’re upset, frustrated or any number of painful feelings such as hurt, fear, rejection, or jealousy. We often have painful feelings because one or more of our needs are going unmet.

Needs such as…

being heard and validated
being understood and empathized with
getting affection and sexual stimulation
feeling valued and important
being loved and cared for.

Now, think about it from your partner’s perspective: if your reactions are any of the above, you may, in fact, be interfering with getting your own needs met. Here are a few examples: It’s going to be extremely difficult for your partner to validate you when you’re screaming. It’s also going to be difficult for your partner to understand you if you’re not telling her/him what you’re upset about. It’s going to be difficult for your partner to reach out to be affectionate if you are stomping around the room. Likewise it’s going to be difficult for your partner to express caring if you’re blocking out what’s being said.

In other words, your reaction may be ADDING TO the conflict and REDUCING the passion in your relationship. You may be getting in your own way and preventing yourself from getting your needs met and therefore contributing to your relationship troubles! How can you avoid doing this?

Next time you feel yourself getting upset, try to step back and think. What’s upsetting you?
Is it a need you have that’s not getting met? Then take it to the next level by asking yourself: “Will my reaction help me get that need met or will it ensure the opposite – that I don’t get that need met?”

You CAN control your reaction to a large extent. If you normally react inwardly and keep a neutral expression, make sure your partner sees that you feel hurt. If you normally clam up or leave, make sure you speak up (in a non-attacking way) and let your partner know what you are feeling. If you normally react outwardly and become louder, larger or more intimidating, try to react in a less dramatic fashion, so that your partner hears you and gets your point. This will give your partner the chance to see your needs and meet them rather than pushing him/her away. Don’t let your own reactions increase the conflict and reduce the passion in your relationship. You can create a happy, loving relationship where your needs are being met.

Sex: An Expression of Many Parts of Yourself

October 26, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

If you’ve been with your partner a long time, it’s likely that your sex life is vastly different now than it used to be. Couples in long-term relationships tell me all the time that they’re having less (or no) sex, and that it’s plain vanilla – the same tried and true position, or quick and to the point because of the kids and schedules.

When I talk about ‘sex’ I’m including all types of intimate contact. This includes:

holding hands
back scratches
foot rubs
kissing
oral and anal sex
masterbation
intercourse

In other words, any interaction between consenting adults. People engage in sex for many different reasons:

adult play
stress relief
expression of power and aggression
expression of sexuality
physical relief
a ‘reset button’ (a means to repair after a conflict)
love and closeness

Sex is a form of play for adults. Think of the ways kids know instinctively how to play. They climb on the playground, have pillow fights, dress-up and role-play both tender and aggressive characters. Sex can be an adult-version of play which serves many purposes:

physical stimulation
role-play and fantasy
a chance to be aggressive
a chance to relax, laugh, and have fun.

Hearing that sex is a chance to be aggressive may surprise you. Many people, especially women, are uncomfortable with their aggressive side. By aggression during sex, I don’t mean abuse, shaming or forcing someone to do something they don’t want to. I mean a healthy expression of aggression like taking control, being on-top, and making sure to get your own needs met. Sexual play gives us the chance to explore and express this assertive and powerful side of ourselves.

On the other side is passivity and submission. Again, I’m not talking about being unwantedly intruded upon or forced to do something you’re not into. Healthy passivity is allowing yourself to lay back, to receive pleasure, to let go emotionally and physically, to be held, and to receive love. Often it’s men who are uncomfortable with this side of themselves. Many times, if men are conflicted about this side of themselves they don’t allow it to be seen elsewhere and the only time they allow it to show up is during sex when they’re in connection with someone they trust.

Other people do the opposite: they only feel comfortable acting out these conflicted sides of themselves with a total stranger or someone they know they’ll never see again. If you’ve done this, I invite you to consider sharing this side of yourself with your long-term partner. Find the courage to let your partner know about these other sides of you. It can be highly erotic to discover something new about someone you’ve been with for a long time and thought you knew fully. Take it slowly until you know it’s safe emotionally. You could begin simply by telling your partner what you’d like or showing them without words. If you’re scared, preface it with “Please don’t laugh at me, but there’s something I’ve been thinking about…” Who knows, maybe the two of you will end up laughing together to relieve the tension. Maybe it will be a big hit – the new thing! Or maybe a big flop. The expression and the exploration is the best part here.

Sex with a long-term partner can be a safe place for all different aspects of ourselves to be expressed, explored, and played with. I keep choosing words with double meanings – DO take this both ways! Just talking about sex should be fun and playful.

Using sex to express other sides of yourself in the safety of someone you trust, even if you expresses things that don’t seem to be what men and women are typically ‘supposed to’ like, is good and healthy and normal. It’s an intimacy builder and a form of adult play. And we all need more play in our lives!

Sex In Marriage: Keeping the Passion Alive, Post Children

April 17, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Remember when you were newlyweds and you couldn’t get enough of each other?

You’d dress up for dates so that you looked and felt sexy and then eagerly anticipate returning home together? And other evenings when you weren’t going anywhere, you’d slip something sexy on to spice things up in the bedroom? But now you are parents, and things have changed dramatically. Where did the excitement, passion, and anticipation go? How do we, as parents, maintain our sexual selves?

In our culture, good parents are presented as nurturing, self-sacrificing, and asexual. There is a disconnect between being a parent and being a sexual being. Many parents pass down this sense of detachment from their own sexuality in several ways:

disapproving of a child’s first sexual exploration (masturbation)
not speaking of sex
avoiding direct and factual discussions of the body

If you are like many couples, you probably enjoyed being sexual together early in your relationship. You could plan elaborate dates and spend time on foreplay. You took time to relax and explore one another during sex. It was hot. You felt sexy; you needed and wanted sex. Then you became parents and your sex life took a backseat.

It can be all too easy to put sex on the backburner, but in a world full of career, childrearing, running a household, and giving to others, sex can be a respite from the demands of everyday life. Both the mundane and the stress of daily living are transcended during sex play between married partners. It’s a way to close the door on the world and explore oneself and one’s partner with the only purpose being to experience pleasure and express love. It is a means for couples to connect in a way that they don’t with anyone else.

Most couples counseling emphasizes talking as the primary way to communicate. While talking is important, our bodies can communicate as much or more than our words. Sexual touch is a powerful communicator. It reminds us that ‘We really are connected. We DO love one another. It is safe to let go in front of my partner. He still desires me. She still gets excited at my touch.’ After an argument or disconnect, sex can feel like hitting the reset button for the marriage. It lets us know that, ‘We hit a rough patch, but now we’re connected once again.’

How do we bring good sex back into marriage? Finding new ways to think about sex can help.

Value your partner as a person who is different from you – think of him/her as a mystery to be rediscovered.
Think of foreplay as beginning hours or days before you plan to be together; flirt, enjoy each other’s company and let the anticipation build.
Value sex as a way to reconnect after an argument or rupture.
Remember that as a human, you are a sexual being and this is a gift.
Remember that having a strong marriage is an essential part of being a good parent; make sure you focus on your partner too, rather than just your children.
Talk to your physician about any physical issues that may be interfering with sex.
Talk to your therapist about any emotions that may be interfering.

To learn more about how to pump up the passion after you’ve had children, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Focus on Family: Keeping Your Cool With The Kids

March 21, 2012 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Have you ever felt so frustrated at your kids that you’ve reacted in ways you NEVER thought you would? Have you done things like:

screamed your head off at them?
hit them and then felt terrible afterwards?
said things to them in anger that you didn’t really mean?
found yourself thinking, “This is not the kind of parent I ever thought I’d be?”

In today’s hectic world many parents are under a lot of stress and, as a result, there are times when they overreact to their children. Because we’re so close to those we love, our loved ones sometimes end up getting the bulk of our anger/discontent, even when they aren’t the cause of it. But you can learn to manage your emotions about life so that you don’t take things out on your kids.

It’s not uncommon for parents to be upset or preoccupied about one thing when something else the kids do or say pushes them over the edge. It may be totally unrelated to what’s going on, but the next thing you know, your unsettled emotions are spilling over onto your kids.

Let’s say you’re stressed about work. You have an important project and the deadline is getting closer and closer. Your boss is breathing down your neck and the client is putting more and more pressure on you. You’re concerned and maxed out. You come home and before you know it you are yelling at your teen for something he/she did. Many times it’s about something that started out relatively small, like your teen eating junk food before dinner or not turning off the TV when you tell her to.

In that moment, or later, you realize that you overreacted and took your emotions out on your child. You feel regretful and know that isn’t the kind of parent you want to be. So, how do you become the loving parent that you’d like to be; the parent who is a fun companion when it’s appropriate and a caring disciplinarian when it’s needed? You do this by becoming more aware of what’s going on inside yourself. Turn your attention inward and become aware of what you’ve been feeling by asking yourself:

Am I overreacting to something relatively minor?
Am I preoccupied with a concern that’s unrelated to my kids?
What’s been on my mind, and in my heart, recently?
Was my child’s action or lack of action the final straw for me today?
How can I take care of my own needs so that I don’t take things out on my child/children?

As parents, it’s crucial that we be mindful of ourselves or we can end up inadvertently dumping our anger or stress out onto our kids. We need to make sure we’re not releasing emotion on them that’s really about something else. Our kids are going to do things that are irritating and bothersome. However, we can become more loving parents,by asking, “How can I do a better job of taking care of my needs so that I don’t take my own stress out on my child/children?”

In order to find out better ways to handle your emotions, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

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