Archives for family

Making Summer a Time to Connect With Your Spouse—And Your Kids!

June 21, 2018 by admin in Uncategorized | Comments Off on Making Summer a Time to Connect With Your Spouse—And Your Kids!

Summer brings longer days and brighter sunshine. In books and movies, it’s a time for love- spending days relaxing and taking romantic strolls. The reality may look a little different for parents. As a parent, I feel very torn this time of year. Part of me is singing Hallelujah at the thought of no more rousing sleepy children up for school and fighting to get homework done.  But the other part of me is thinking about months with little routine and kids who may be bored and constantly hungry!

With some creative thinking, summertime can be quality family time you may be missing during the school year AND quality time with your partner in different ways than you can during the winter months.

  • Take advantage of warm weather and go outdoors- Do something fun with your partner, like playing mini golf, hiking, dining on an outdoor patio or renting a jet ski together. Take a similar creative view and find family activities that you can only do in the summer-visit a water park, head to the beach or go to an outdoor concert.
  • Take advantage of less running- Throughout the school year, our time tends to be filled with the practicalities of homework and chauffeuring. The summer can bring a break from all that. Enjoy more leisurely family dinners on weeknights without having to eat in between activities. Take the kids to a farmer’s market and try a new fruit or vegetable. Extra time with your partner can allow for coming home from work when it is still light outside and do something as simple as sitting out in the backyard and catching up on your day.
  • Take the vacations with and without the kids- Enjoy a family getaway at places with a range of activities (from roller coasters to museums) so family members with different interests find something each one likes. Living in the northeast corridor affords lots of opportunities for spouses to visit a winery, a historic site or the city.
  • On a rainy day, stay home and look through old photos and have an indoor ‘picnic’. Take out family albums and tell your spouse or kids about where you grew up and what activities your family did.  Put your digital photos up on the TV and view the more recent ones on a big screen.  Then spread out an old blanket or tablecloth on the living room floor and have an indoor ‘picnic’ free from ants!
  • Allow each family member to have a say in the activity or alternate choosing the activity. It’s possible to unconsciously cater to one child’s needs and interests and the rest of the family gets dragged along.  Each day let a different family member choose the activity or put out options to vote on (and the parents make the final decision).  Explain that a family is a system that needs to work together to function at its best – each member can sometimes lead and sometimes follow, but always with a positive attitude.
  • Allow for miscommunication and mishaps. Having expectations can cause disappointment when the reality doesn’t live up to what we envisioned.  Taking that one step further – we often don’t verbalize these expectations to the other(s) so they have no idea what we had in mind!  No wonder arguments can break out in the middle of something that’s supposed to be fun.  Communicate ahead of time and be adaptable when needed.  Keep your focus on the fact that everyone’s safe, healthy and you are all together.  After all, that’s the whole point

Parenting in The Age of Social Media Frenzy

March 22, 2018 by admin in Family, Relationships, Teens, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Parenting in The Age of Social Media Frenzy

When young couples dream of having children, they dream about such things like holding their newborn infant for the first time, watching them take their first steps and experiencing countless moments of pure joy and love for a child they’ve created together. And while all those things do happen, the reality  we come to understand is that parenting is hard! And parenting in today’s world of technology is even harder! As a mother of four kids, I often find myself saying ‘I wish I was a parent years ago before phones and social media existed. It was probably so much easier.’ Of course, parenting in any generation came with its own set of issues, but the advent and influence technology and social media has on our children has certainly caused many extra layers of complexity as we raise our young children into pre-teens and especially through the rough  teenage years.  Let’s take a closer look at some of the pitfalls we can run into navigating our children through these social media times.

-“But mom everyone has a phone except me!”-It seems like the “appropriate” age to provide your child with a phone keeps getting younger and younger. So how do you determine when is it the right time to put the phone in your child’s hands? First, as difficult as it may be, try not be swayed by the ‘but everyone else has one’ argument. Generally, when kids make that statement, we realize their idea of everyone is likely to be skewed. No one knows your child better than you, so base your decision on them personally.  There is no right age and as parents, we have to be comfortable with the timing. It is also important to remember that allowing your kids to have a phone and allowing them to join social media sites can be two different things!  Consider…

  • Are they responsible enough to take care of a phone?
  • What are the needs they (and you) have that the phone would serve?
  • How would you guide them in making decisions on who to friend, who to accept, and what to post?

Understand the lure of the smartphone.  These devices are designed to get users addicted by offering variable reward.  Meaning, we don’t know if each time we check, there will be a new message or ‘friend’ for us.  Sometimes there is and this gives us a dopamine hit which feels good.  Other times, there isn’t.  It’s the possibility of ‘reward’ that keeps us coming back (adults too).  It is a powerful force and you will need to set consistent guidelines for its use.

-“I guess I wasn’t invited to Julia’s party that everyone is posting about”-Being an adolescent is hard enough with issues such as trying to fit in and make friends. Years ago, kids may have heard about a party they were left out of after the fact. But in today’s social media age, kids are seeing all social activities every other kid is doing on any given day. This provides a lot of opportunity for them to feel left out or bad about themselves, ultimately potentially affecting their self-esteem. As parents, it is important to teach our kids how to feel confident in themselves and not compare their social lives to anyone else’s or base their worth on how many followers they have. This is a tough lesson; after all, how many of us have seen a Facebook post about a night out that we weren’t included in and felt badly? We need to share the lessons we remind ourselves with our kids…

  • Focus on the friends you have
  • Not everyone gets invited to every event and how to accept that
  • One’s worth is not determined by how many (often superficial) online friends one has

– “I’ll put down the phone in a minute. I just want to send this Snap”-We have likely all read countless articles about how much time adolescents spend on their phones today, and how detrimental that can be. But how much time is too much? And how do we get our kids to actually enjoy other activities when the lure of social media is so huge? As with the “right” age, there is also no magical amount of screen time that is appropriate. Again, every child is different and you want to consider how much time is appropriate for your child. But, engaging them in other activities is certainly an important element in this dilemma. It’s hard enough to connect with our adolescents, but even harder when having to fight for their attention with the screen. So don’t hesitate to make certain activities technology free!  Consider…

  • Involving them in other (offline) activities
  • Establish phone-free times, such as mealtime
  • Make family movie nights – take turns who chooses the film and make special snacks for the occasion
  • Initiate in-person conversation with your kids (riding together in the car is a great time for this).

The technology won’t stop evolving, and parenting will always be hard! But with some focus on the rewards, we can all get to continue experiencing those daily moments of pure joy we dream about. If you need help with parenting in these tough times, please feel free to contact us at 908-246-3074 or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

What is the One Crucial Skill You May Not be Teaching Your Children?

October 19, 2017 by admin in Family, Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off on What is the One Crucial Skill You May Not be Teaching Your Children?

If you’re focused on your kids’ academics and sports, you may be missing the boat.  More than ever, society defines success for our children as good grades, how many activities/sports they participate in, and even how many friends they have. Beyond participation, we’re taught they need to excel in order to succeed in life.  Consequently, we invest tons of time, energy and money into these areas of our child’s development.  We bend over backwards to chauffeur them to activities, to study with them, hire tutors and send them to the best schools, or to hire private coaches and get them on the travel teams.  Of course, these are worthwhile and valuable aspects of life. But, if your relationship with their other parent is suffering in the meantime, you’re missing the boat on a crucial aspect of your child’s development.

There’s a meme on social media that states something like “Don’t worry about watching your children’s behavior.  Worry about your children watching yours.” Regardless of their age, our children ARE watching us: how we love their other parent, argue with their other parent, and how we handle our own emotions.  (They’re also observing how we manage other areas of our life (spiritual, health and fitness, involvement with extended family, career, financial et cetera).  If your relationship with their other parent is limping along or in conflict, that can have a huge impact on what a child learns about relationships and have repercussions well into their adulthood.  We may not be aware of the lessons we are teaching, but as their parents, we are unconsciously modeling for them how to act and react.  If we are easily annoyed with, or contemptuous of, our spouse, kids learn that’s how married couples view one another.  If we play the victim and feel sorry for ourselves, kids learn that’s how to handle feelings of hurt or loneliness.  If we turn to alcohol, overeating, or another compulsive behavior to numb our own emotions, kids learn that’s how to handle painful feelings.

While we may be busy raising children who are achieving academically, or who are involved in many activities, as parents we may be missing the opportunity to develop something much more important to a child’s development –their ability to establish and maintain healthy relationships.  Who cares if they become a prize winner, champion or professional success if their personal life is in shambles? Or if they’re lonely? Or in conflict with those closest to them?  I bet we all could think of at least one person in history who made a significant contribution to society but who left a wake of hurt in their personal relationships and/or was depressed, addicted, and even suicidal.  It is likely that these people did not have enough skills in interpersonal relationships and dealing with emotion, even though they were what society defines as “successful”.

Our children are watching and learning how we handle interpersonal interactions every day. Therefore, they need us to develop OUR ability to handle conflict well, to give and receive love, and to deal with our own emotions effectively.  Our schools have begun to teach these skills, but not nearly enough.  Do not underestimate the amount they are observing and concluding just from witnessing you.

Ask yourself how you rate on the following statements:

  • I am actively engaged in learning how to be a better spouse, parent and/or friend.
  • I take responsibility for all relationship conflicts when they arise.
  • I recognize when I need support and am continually seeking help.
  • I read/listen to something instructional or inspirational for at least 30 minutes each day.
  • I acknowledge my feelings, express them appropriately, and decide what’s the best course of action.

I’m suggesting you spend as much time and effort on yourself as you do on your children because BOTH of you benefit – you’ll have a better relationship with their other parent, your kids will be watching positive and healthy interactions, and you’ll feel calmer and better able to handle what life throws at you.  Success in sports and academics is not the be-all end-all for our children.  Success in relationships (intimate, familial, collegiate) will have a tremendous impact on your future adult-child’s happiness and success in life, for we are humans who live in community and need one another.

Inspire Your Kids To Love The Sports You Love

November 21, 2014 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Families loving sportsWhen we first had children, we wanted to get them involved with skiing, but wondered how we could pass our love of the sport along to them. After all, how do you explain to any beginner that spending most of the day trying (with some, but not much, success) will indeed pay off when they’re experts? How do you explain to them that this learning process will take not just days or weeks but years to master?  How do you convince them that the fun and excitement to be had will make them feel fully alive like nothing else on Earth?  There are several key concepts that can help you encourage your children to love what you love and they can be applied to any sport, hobby or whatever you are passionate about.  Here, we’re using skiing as an example, but these same concepts can be used to help share YOUR passion with your children.  Here’s how to inspire children…

 

#1 – Make it fun.  Your children are beginners and don’t yet know the fun that awaits them up on top of the mountain.  We need to make the shuffling on flat beginner terrain – actually the whole experience- fun for them.  If that includes time spent climbing piles of snow outside the lodge and then sliding down on cafeteria trays, let them.  True, the cost per run ratio is pretty poor at that moment, but you are allowing them to find joy in simply being on the hill.  It will come, in good time, that they’ll find as much joy actually doing the sport.  At this early stage, shoot for a fun experience.

 

#2 – Have patience and understanding for your child’s developmental stage.  Starting around age 18 months, children are working on exploring their world.  Their task at this stage is trying something, maybe succeeding or failing, looking for whether you are around and paying attention, and then trying again.  Expect any new activity to be touch and go.  Their behavior will not be goal directed: they are simply exploring and curious about what the outcome may be. You may plan to get a certain number of runs in, but for kids this age, that’s not where their brain is at.
Later, during early childhood, they want to emulate you.  Be the model for what you’d like them to become.  If you’re on a snowboard, don’t be surprised when they say they want to do that.  On the other hand, if you drop them off at the base lodge, then drive into town for a big breakfast and shopping, they’ll ask to go.  So, be aware of what you’re modeling for your kids because surely they’ll want to do that too.

 

One thing that is consistent throughout all developmental stages is their wish for your attention and approval, no matter whether they’re ‘succeeding’ or not.  Our children desperately want us to notice them and be pleased by their exploration and emulation of us.  Be ‘around’ for them, notice them, and delight in whichever developmental stage they’re at.

 

#3 – Watch your language.  I’m not talking about swearing.  Notice what you say about skiing, whether your comments be related to the gear, the weather, the traveling, the expense, or the terrain.  Kids listen to everything we say, even when it seems as if they’re not.  Over time, our way of thinking becomes theirs, especially at the younger ages.  The reason is that neuropathways are being created in a child’s developing brain.  When they hear, or see, the same behavior from us again and again, their brains ‘learn’ this way of thinking.  So, if we complain again and again about carrying all the heavy gear, eventually they will too.

 

#4 – No matter how technical your ability is, have a professional teach your kids.  This was a difficult one for us.  We’ve been skiing for years; we know how to carry our skis properly, stand up from falling, initiate turns, et cetera.  The expense of hiring someone else to teach what we were perfectly capable of teaching was a hard pill to swallow.  What we weren’t capable of doing was keeping our emotions under control.  Most kids act differently (read: better) for most anyone who is not their parent. Teaching our own loved ones can be exasperating.  One moment things are fine and next thing you know, you’re one of those parents you swore you’d never be: yelling at your kids on the slopes.  Now, no one’s having fun AND you’re paying for this whole miserable experience!  Delegate the teaching, no matter how proficient you are, to a neutral 3rd party instructor (who, by the way, is also an expert at dealing with young children’s antics.)

 

#5 – Go to places that cater to young children.  It’s not about you anymore.  We chose a smaller hill as our home mountain when we moved the family back East because of their excellent children’s programs, not because of the mountain’s acreage or vertical rise.

 

#6 – Connect your children with other kids doing the same activity.  It’s not realistic to think that any kid over the age of 8 would want to ski with their parents.  They’d rather be with friends (which is developmentally normal).  Whether you sign them up for ski school with their friend OR you find a season-long program where they ski with the same kids and the same coach every day, have them be with their peers.  Skiing, like most sports, is a social endeavor as much as an athletic one.  They’ll be so much more eager to go there when they have social connections on the hill.

 

You can inspire your children to love your sport or hobby as much as you do.  But it takes countless instances of you being understanding of their developmental needs and setting them up for success.  Becoming proficient at a new activity or hobby can take many years. When they develop a love for it, the reward will pay off for them for decades.  And, one day they will want to ski with you again -perhaps when they become parents themselves and can appreciate all the hard work and investment you gave to get them there.  And if you see them doing the same things for their own children that you once did for them, you’ll know that you did, indeed, inspire them.
Developing good relationships with your kids can be challenging, especially with all the pressures in today’s fast-paced world.  Maybe you’ve tried family counseling before with little to no results.  Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily.  The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help.   We are experts in building healthy relationships – of all types.  We serve families and adolescents in addition to couples.  Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment.  Most people wait months, even years, before coming in.  Instead, reach out to us to start making positive changes today.

How Saying ‘No’ to Others Can Mean Saying ‘Yes’ to You and Your Relationship

February 21, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

How Saying ‘No’ to Others Can Mean Saying ‘Yes’ to You and Your Relationship Your boss asks – or rather pressures – you to work this weekend.  A deadline is quickly approaching and your contribution is crucial. But, you already had plans with your family.  You feel stuck choosing between your job and your family.

Your parents or in-laws seem to make plans for you most weekends. It’s either some social function, asking you to help them at their house or just expecting your company. You wonder why your time has come to be determined by other people.

It can be hard to say ‘no’. Life presents many requests and demands on our time: career, household, parents, kids, in-laws, committees, groups – the list goes on and on. When you say ‘yes’ but really wanted to say ‘no’, you often end up feeling guilty, defeated and resentful. Sometimes even signing up for the fun things we WANT to do can leave us feeling overwhelmed!

So, how do you say ‘no’?

First, you (and your spouse if you’re married) must create time to reflect on what is truly important to you. Before you can live the life you long to have, first you have to create it in your minds. Then, write it down. Once you have this mission statement in writing, it will serve as a guide for making everyday decisions.

  • What do you value?
  • Where do you want to invest your time and energy?
  • What brings you joy and meaning?

Second, notice your initial, gut reaction when someone makes a request of you.  Your very first feeling can be very telling.

  • Does your heart sink?
  • Do you feel inspired and excited?
  • Do you dread telling your spouse?
  • Are you eager to tell you spouse?

Third, learn the ‘YES, NO, YES’ response. Use this when want to say ‘no’ but are finding it difficult. The first ‘YES’ is about being true to what you (and your spouse) really value. When you are asked to do something, go back to your mission statement.  If your boss is asking you to work this weekend but you have plans with your family, see what’s in your mission statement about this.  Does it say, “We spend time together as a family doing what we all enjoy”?  That’s what you’d be saying the first ‘yes’ to. ‘Yes’ to yourself, ‘yes’ to your relationship and ‘yes’ to your family.

The ‘NO’ is declining a request. This is hard for many people. It takes courage. Often, when it’s difficult, we acquiesce and then feel resentful or angry.  Sometimes, we get verbally aggressive because we believe it’s the only way people will listen to us. However, it is possible to say ‘no’ calmly and respect the other person when it’s sandwiched between two “YES’s”.

The last ‘YES’ is a ‘yes’ to the other person. Although this isn’t your obligation or responsibility, it’s a gesture of caring. It’s a way for you to maintain your boundaries while offering another option.  For example, suppose your in-laws expect you to cut their lawn because it’s getting harder for them to do it themselves, but you and your partner want to veg out at home after a long work-week.  In this case, your last ‘yes’ could be offering to call a lawn maintenance company for them.

It IS possible to say ‘no’ to the things you really don’t want to be doing. Actually, this is a crucial skill: to know ourselves and what’s truly important and then to lead our lives in accordance with those values.  The ‘YES, NO, YES’ response will help you and your partner to accomplish this.

To find out more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Focus on Family: New Habit For The New School Year

September 11, 2010 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Focus on FamilyEach new school year brings with it a fresh start for you and your family.  I would like you to consider a habit that will have a positive effect on your child’s success; eat dinner as a family most nights of the week.  This simple act of sharing a meal brings countless rewards for children.  It builds relationships within your family and builds your child’s self-esteem. These two ingredients make for a child who is successful academically, socially, and physically. Read More