Save Yourself From An Argument On Your Next Vacation

June 2, 2015 by admin in Family, Relationships | Comments Off

Imagine: you and your partner have planned a trip to a great summer destination. You each pack your own bags, arrive together, and unpack when you get to your room. Your bag contains: books, boardgames, movies, candles, an eye mask, massage oil, and an assortment of teas. You’ve been looking forward to lazy days lounging around indoors so you can unwind on this trip. You look over as your partner unpacks her bag and can’t believe your eyes! Her bag contains: a snorkel, flippers, sport glasses, daypack, hiking boots, cycling shoes, shorts & helmet. What?!

Now your thoughts begin to run wild: “She isn’t planning on spending any time with me this trip. She prefers doing activities to being with me. She’s here to enjoy the locale, not to enjoy MY company. How could she not know we’re here to lounge and RELAX?!?” Maybe your partner’s thoughts begin to run wild as she can see what things you’ve packed. She may be telling herself: “She isn’t planning on spending any time with me this trip. She prefers lounging around to being with me. She’s here for R&R, not to enjoy MY company. How could she not know we’re here to have fun exploring TOGETHER?!?”

What can get generated by this stuff we’re telling ourselves? Feelings! Both partners may come to feel hurt, disappointed, concerned, sad, annoyed. And if there’s any similarity between this scenario and your childhood, this situation is being exacerbated by your history of past hurts. And all this on a vacation you’ve spent effort and money to make happen!

Not verbalizing what you’re thinking BEFOREHAND, gets couples in alot of trouble. In addition to the time it takes to plan your trip, book your flight, & arrange for the house to be taken care of, add in time to talk about your expectations. Touch on…

• When we first arrive, I want to…
• During the trip, I’d like to…
• It’s not a big deal to me if we don’t get to…
• My intention for this vacation is…
• How you and I can enjoy each other’s company is…
• I imagine how much time we’ll spend with others vs. by ourselves is…

A 30 minute conversation before you leave could save you from conflict, arguing, and hurt feelings when you’re there. It will allow for more time for what you’ve traveled for: to enjoy each other, to relax and/or feel excited, and to reconnect with yourself.

Old Hurts: How Being Mindful Can Help You Move Past Them

October 27, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

There are many people who think that their past doesn’t have any influence on them today. They may feel this way because their childhood was years or decades ago, or perhaps because they’ve created a different life for themselves now. Others might discount the importance of their childhood on their present because they no longer live with their parents or may have told themselves they moved beyond it. However, it is not accurate to believe our past is completely in the past. Why? Because our crucial development took place in childhood and hurts or events from our past can have a negative influence on our current relationships without us even being aware of it.

Our brains, how we think, feel, and behave, were largely being formed between birth and our teenage years. More development continued into adulthood, but the majority of our learning and molding occurred in childhood. During these early years, we learned basic, crucial life skills, like trusting others, exploring our world, coming to know ourselves, being competent, having concern for others, and learning to be in close relationships. If we had deep or repeated hurts during this time, it left a scar on us emotionally and may have prevented us from fully learning certain skills or completing certain developmental tasks. Our purpose here is not to blame our parents. They probably did the best they knew how to do at the time. Instead, the reason for looking back to our past is to determine how past hurts are showing up in the present day and learn to move beyond them.

Being mindful can move us beyond past hurts. Mindfulness means being aware of what is happening inside of you in the present: right here and right now. When we are not mindful, we are reacting. Reacting happens when you do or say what your initial impulse is, often without even being aware of what you’re doing or saying.

When we are not mindful, our past hurts can creep into present day situations and influence how we see and react to things. How do you know the present situation is colored by your past? It’s when you freak out or shut down or otherwise feel very unsettled where others around you remain calm. In your intimate relationship, these are the areas that deeply upset you.

Here’s an example of how childhood hurts can crop up, and how being mindful can help you release painful feelings, move on, and improve your relationship.

Imagine two married women were talking (not difficult to imagine, I’m sure). One women casually mentioned that her husband was planning to golf all day that coming weekend. The other was surprised to hear that her friend was okay with that. She certainly wouldn’t be okay with her husband doing the same thing!! She wondered to herself, “How can she be all right with her husband making those plans?!” The surprised feeling was a clue that imagining her partner’s absence for the day was touching on something from her past. It was a trigger for her: her past was intermingling with present day circumstances. Her usual reaction when her husband planned all day outings was to get very upset with him. Without thinking, she would accuse him of doing something wrong. “How can you even think of planning a day of fun and relaxation for yourself and not consider me!?” He would say “It’s not a big deal! I’ll be home by 4:00 and I’ll be home all the next day! You want me around ALL the time. You’re so demanding!” They would end up in a big argument.

When she chooses to be mindful instead of just reacting angrily, the outcome can be very different. Being mindful is slowing down, noticing what’s occurring inside of you, and choosing a different reaction. In this scenario, when her husband made plans the woman actually had to stop herself from accusing her husband. In fact, she couldn’t talk to him at the moment those feelings came up because she would have reacted angrily. Instead of reacting, she paid close attention to the thoughts in her head. She realized she was telling herself, “He should want to be home with me and the kids on weekends. What right does he have to go out and have fun all day? He doesn’t really want to be with us. He doesn’t truly care about us.”

Remember: she didn’t say these thoughts – that would have been reacting/doing. She did nothing on the outside. She asked herself what she was feeling. Feelings are one word each. She felt jealous, rejected, angry, and lonely. Next, she connected it to the past. It came to mind that being home on weekends with her father when she was a girl felt similar, somehow. He was home but unavailable to her because he was working on his model train hobby for hours each day. They had no interaction. She didn’t know it at the time, but she felt lonely as a child.

Now back to the present: even though the circumstances weren’t exactly the same, there was a link between past and present. Naming the feelings and coming to know she felt lonely allowed her to make this connection. What did she do with these feelings? She did exactly the right thing. She ‘sat’ with them. She allowed herself to feel them, even though it is difficult and painful to feel jealousy, rejection and loneliness. She let them come up as opposed to trying to stuff them down. She noticed where they appeared in her body instead of distracting herself from them (by blaming and accusing her husband). She sat and experienced them until they subsided.

She was mindful in the sense that she decided to become curious about herself. Rather than doing or saying anything in the moment, she went inside of herself to explore what was coming up. Instead of telling herself that her husband was the cause of her anger, she made the conscious choice to see what was inside of her that was the source of her anger. It turns out that imaging that her husband was going out was just the trigger that touched on the past hurt.

Now here’s the next big step: deliberately choosing to have a different reaction. In this case, the woman decided to find a new way to react to her husband’s plans to leave the house. Now that she realized that it was loneliness underneath the upset, she could find a better way to get the loneliness soothed. She asked for two things: a hug right then and for time together when he got home. This was a HUGE shift because she moved away from blaming him. She stopped making him out to be the bad guy. She now could see that him going out golfing for a day wasn’t abusive or neglectful. She could remember that there were, indeed, many other times that he made plans to be with her and many other times when he reached out to hold her when they were home. She came to know that her initial upset had much more to do with what she experienced in childhood than it had to do with her husband going out.

Amazingly, because she recognized and could ask CALMLY for what she really wanted, her husband WANTED to be home with her more. I see this often in my work with couples: as one partner becomes calmer, the other partner is drawn to be with them. A shift in one spouse brings about a positive shift in the other spouse. Not necessarily right away, but over time, partners inch closer to one another.

Being mindful is the key to getting relationship problems resolved. In every moment with your partner, you have the ability to be curious about yourself and make a conscious choice to act differently. This is what brings about change in your life. Being mindful means you stop and notice what’s going on inside of yourself BEFORE doing anything. Being curious about yourself and deciding to do things differently will bring about healing for you AND will enable you to get your needs met. As you do things better in the present, you are leaving past hurts behind. You will begin to create the marriage you’ve always longed for: loving, supportive, and a safe haven for you both.

Maintaining a happy, healthy, long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Hurt By Hearsay? How Therapy Rebuilds Your Sense of Safety

September 29, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Gossip – sometimes it seems we’re surrounded by it. We hear it all the time. It glares at us from nearly every grocery store headline. Have you seen so-and-so’s new haircut? What was he/she thinking? And what about those two? Can you believe they did that?!

On the surface, gossiping can seem like harmless, idle chatter. It goes on all the time – and not just on the newsstands. I’m sure we’ve all been in a situation where the conversation turned to pointing out the flaws or misfortunes of others behind their backs. But think twice before you chime in – gossiping about someone else can hurt YOU, in ways you may not even suspect. Believe it or not, gossiping about others leads to unease, insecurity, and even to deciding not to trust anyone ever again.

Initially, sharing negative information about someone else can make you feel close to the person you’re talking to. But, deep down you know that he/she has the capability to talk hurtfully about you when you’re not around. The temporary closeness you feel is not true intimacy. In fact, there’s very little closeness here. Being genuinely connected to another person involves each person sharing their feelings ABOUT THEMSELVES, not feelings they have about another person. If this is the way your family communicated when you were growing up, it’s likely you rarely had a sense of relationships being safe and trustworthy.

And don’t forget the flip side of gossip. Sadly, almost all of us have had some time in our life when WE were the one who was being talked about. Think back to how you felt: mildly embarrassed, completely betrayed, hurt, humiliated, mortified? Whether we are the one doing the talking or the one being talked about, gossip chips away at our sense of trust, safety, comfort, and security.

If you find it hard to trust that others won’t turn on you, or if you have ever been betrayed or gossiped about, it can be a huge relief to talk to a therapist who is bound by law to keep sessions confidential . For some, the experience of safety and trust they feel with their therapist is quite new. Not only are therapists bound by law to do this, we also WANT to keep what you say confidential. We want to give you the experience of feeling secure and knowing that you will not be mocked, made fun of, or talked negatively about for something you said, did, or thought.

Once you feel this genuine security that therapy can provide, you can begin to open up. Finally, there is someone you can share your inner world with. What a relief to talk about the thoughts you have rarely, if ever, verbalized! Your therapist will be there for you to share the feelings you really feel about people and situations. But this is not done with the intention of bad-mouthing someone else. Instead, it is done with the intention of learning about yourself and why that person triggers an intense reaction in you. As a result, you will learn to handle these situations better in the future.

Feeling safe to finally open up to someone again is both powerful and beautiful. It sets the stage for you to put an end to feelings of insecurity, to learn to banish toxic talk, and to learn to trust again.

Don’t you deserve to create this type of relationship for yourself again?

SERENITY NOW: Why George Costanza’s Father Had Half of it Right

September 22, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

If you’re like most of us, your partner can trigger you like no one else can – with the possible exception of your mother! Sometimes all it takes is a few words or the wrong look and your reaction is immediate and intense – you’re angry, upset, hurt and reacting with a lot of emotion.

Think of a time when your partner said or did something that triggered your emotions. Now measure your emotional intensity on a scale of 0 to 10 with the following:

0 = you feel no emotions other than calm and peaceful
5 = your emotions are moderately strong, whether it’s frustration, sadness, rejection, isolation or something else
10 = your emotions are the most intense you can feel and you act impulsively, doing and thinking things that shock even you.

What number did you get to from 0 to 10? Was your emotion instant or gradually building?

Did you find yourself reacting with words or behaviors (exploding or shutting down)? Can you feel your self get triggered with:

a rising up in your chest
tension in your jaw
moving anxiously

Can you hear yourself get triggered with:

defensiveness
blaming
shaming
criticism
slipping into silence

What would it be like to keep your cool instead? This seems easy to consider when you’re calm, but can be very difficult to actually begin doing. Although you should address whatever your spouse did or said that triggered you, the time for doing so is not when your emotions are heightened.

Here are some things that can help stop or slow down those instant reactions in the moments when you feel triggered:

take a deep breath
drink a glass of water or make yourself a hot, soothing, non-alcoholic drink
go into the bathroom to remove yourself for a minute
say a prayer
imagine yourself settling back down
Have a phrase you tell yourself silently to settle yourself down to a 1 or 2 such as
- “I can stay calm and be okay right in this moment.”
- “I could react right now but I’m choosing not to.”
- “To react right now would only do more damage.”
- “Just because my spouse is emotional (at a 5 or above), I can stay at a much lower number.”

Remember George Costanza’s father yelling, “SERENITY NOW”on Seinfeld? Mr. Costanza used a good phrase- he had the right idea- but his emotional intensity was clearly at an 8 or so. Used properly, the phrase you choose should help calm you back down to a much less intense level of emotion.

When you’ve calmed back down to a 0, 1 or 2, it’s a better time to talk about whatever triggered you. Ask your partner for a dialogue. For example, you might say, “I noticed I had a reaction yesterday to ___ and would like to talk to you about it. Is now a good time?”

Your ability to contain your feelings and reactions shows maturity. Keeping your cool is a huge factor in a healthy marriage. It will help you deal effectively and productively with hot button issues and is an essential skill all couples must learn in order to progress in couples counseling.

Words Are Crucial: How Speaking Your Unfiltered Thoughts Could Be Impacting Your Relationship

August 11, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Words have so much power. Depending on how we use them, words have the power to inspire, to hurt, or to heal. Notice what you say to your partner. Are you saying words that support and inspire your spouse? Are you using words that soothe and heal him/her? Or are you using words that criticize or shame your partner?

We often fail to consider the impact that our words have on others because we spend so much time talking. We think that our words don’t really matter, or won’t have much of an effect on anyone else. The rationale is, “I talk all day. Each thing I say doesn’t really have that much of an impact on others.” Put that together with the fact that most people are poor listeners and it’s easy to convince ourselves that our words won’t have a very big impact on someone else’s life. However, this is not true. Our words DO make a difference to others.

Think back to a specific childhood memory. Try to recall an instance when you were with a teacher, a parent, a friend, a sibling, or a bully. Can you recall exactly what that person said to you? Chances are, you can. Now notice the feelings you have in connection to that incident. Do you remember feeling loved, encouraged, threatened, or demeaned? Often, we can remember exactly what someone said to us years, or even decades later, because it had an emotional impact on us. The words that person chose to speak at that time served to inspire, hurt, or heal us.

The words you use now have this same power. The people in your life can feel touched by your supportive words. They can be healed by your loving words. By the same token, they can feel demeaned or hurt by your critical words. That’s why it’s so important that you think about what you say to your partner. Which type of words do you use most with your spouse? It’s important for you to realize that the way you talk to your spouse IS impacting him/her – even if he/she tries not to let you see it. If you look carefully, you might notice a slight smile or see their body relax when you speak words of caring. Or you might see their brow crease or body tense when you speak words of judgment.

Here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey, we teach couples and individuals to be more aware of the words they use. We can show you how to choose your words with deliberation and care so that they will have a positive impact on your relationship. We want you to pick your words knowing full well that they will affect the person you love. We want to help you learn to choose the words that will bring those you love closer rather than drive them away. The words you choose have the power to inspire, to hurt or to heal. Which ones are you choosing? Call or email us. We can set up a time to chat so that you can become more aware of how your words might be impacting the most important relationship of your life. Working with us will help you learn when to filter your thoughts and when to speak your mind so that your words will help and heal your relationship, rather than harm it.

Maintaining a happy, healthy long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Get a Grip: How to Keep Emotional Reactions From Hurting Your Marriage

July 7, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Events, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Your emotions have a huge impact on your marriage. Whether your reaction to these emotions is to show them on the outside OR to keep outside of your awareness, your reaction might be driving your partner away. After many times of reacting similarly, a pattern sets in. This pattern may be a big contributor to the difficulties in your marriage.

People react differently when they have an emotion inside. Some people are overreactors and some are underreactors. An overreactor is very obvious. When they’re emotionally triggered by something, they can react with their body. They might clench their fists or jaw, stomp around, point, or stand up to appear bigger. You can see their emotions in their face: anger, sadness, crying, or disappointment. They can also react with their voice by yelling, raging, cursing, using sarcasm, bemoaning, complaining, or non-stop talking.

An underreactor is trickier to see. These people tend to shut down and close off from others. They may not even know they are feeling anything. Underreactors may leave the room or the house, curl up their shoulders, go off to bed, or turn to some distraction like the computer. It might show up if they say very little, are silent, or speak quietly. Often you can hardly tell by their face that anything is going on because there’s hardly any change in their expression. Many times you can hardly tell that an underreactor is having any feeling at all because they hardly show it. They’re just as upset on the inside as an overreactor; it’s just that it isn’t evident on the outside.

Your emotion (or what looks like your lack of emotion) is deeply affecting your spouse. You are so closely connected to your spouse, even if you currently feel distant, that your spouse can pick up on your feelings. And it DOES affect us to be in the presence of someone who feels angry, sad, or disappointed. Unless your spouse can stay calm and connected to you, your spouse likely has difficulty with your emotion and your reaction to your emotion. So, when you have a painful feeling, your spouse reacts to it.

Whether your spouse is an underreactor or overreactor will determine just how your spouse reacts to your emotion. Now, the two of you are experiencing painful emotions and reacting to them. For most couples in conflict or with great distance between them, this pattern is a big problem in and of itself.

All humans have emotions. We definitely have emotions when it comes to our spouse because we are so connected to this person. Rather than continuing to freak out OR to shut down:

Stop and think before you overreact or underreact.
Notice what it is you are feeling.
Think about how you would like to react instead that will not cause a secondary problem.
Reach out to talk to someone who supports your marriage and will help you sort through things.

This skill ALONE will have a profound effect on your spouse and everyone around you. Plus it’s your duty as an adult to know how to handle yourself and your emotional reaction to what life throws your way. You’re going to continue to have feelings about life’s events. Here at the Couples Therapy Center, we teach people what to do with their emotions: how to identify them, how emotions are showing up in your body as tension or illness, AND how to react to them in a way that keeps your relationship intact! Taking these steps can go a long way to achieving a stronger, more peaceful relationship. Here, you’ll learn the skills needed to stop overreacting or underreacting. Once you learn to react appropriately to all that life throws your way, you’ll find more peace and harmony both in your life and with your spouse.

To schedule an appointment to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

What Makes Your Therapist Tick?

June 16, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

When people learn that I’m a therapist, they often ask me how I can spend all day listening to other people’s problems. Many people imagine that my job is very difficult and draining. For some people it might be, but it’s not that way for me. I do this job because I love it. I was drawn to doing this type of work and it’s perfect for me. Why?

Because I notice people and their relationships. I can feel what they’re feeling. I can feel their painful feelings and I know how to help them feel better. I may be in a restaurant and notice a couple at another table who haven’t said more than two words to each other the whole meal. I can see the discouragement and disconnection on their faces. The passion and excitement is gone and I feel for them.

I notice how couples talk to one another. I recognize the small jabs they take at each other as criticisms disguised as jokes . I can feel how much it hurts them to be criticized by their partners and have to be ‘on guard’ in front of them. I also hear some couples’ constant bickering. It’s almost as if their only way to communicate is to argue or debate over every little thing. There’s a tension that goes along with always debating with someone. People who are always challenged don’t feel free to say what they’re really thinking for fear that their partner will take issue with it.

People tell me about their compelling need to check up on their spouse: reading their texts or emails and looking at their call log for evidence that their love is elsewhere. It is so unsettling not to be able to trust your spouse, who is the person you love most in the world and who is supposed to love you back.

I also see couples who spend most of their free time apart. Their interests lie outside of their marriage to the point that they hardly do anything fun and enjoyable together as a couple. I feel the loneliness and distance they feel in their marriage.

And then there’s divorce. Divorce is so painful. There is so much loss. There is the loss of the life you built together, the loss of the dreams you shared for your future, the loss of the person you once were deeply in love with, the loss of friends and the loss of your partner’s family. There is the financial setback as well, which includes the astronomical cost of the divorce proceedings and the cost of running a household with no other adult. There is the impact on the kids to consider. Divorce can feel devastating for children who long for their parents to be together or who feel caught in the middle of warring parents. Kids can feel uncertain and anxious after their world has been turned upside down. Kids feel the grief and sadness of their family breaking apart. Many people think things are going to be better once they divorce. In reality, it can take years to recover and feel okay again.

If you see yourself in what I’ve described, I want you to know that I feel what you feel. I can help you. I know that it doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to continue to feel these things. I know how to help with these problems. In fact, I love helping people with these problems and knowing that I’ve been part of their recovery process!

I give you the understanding and empathy you have been longing for. I give you the information that you need about how to deal with your difficult feelings and how to be a better spouse. We talk about what you want in your life and how you can take steps to get it. To finally get it! My work is so rewarding in this way. That’s why I do what I do. And it’s not just me. Here at the Couples Therapy Center, I have very carefully selected therapists who are similar to me in their ability to be understanding, empathetic, to feel what others feel, to have the same outlook on clients and know how to help them as I do.

To schedule an appointment call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Stopping Triangulation: How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Involving a Third Person in Your Problems

June 2, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Most of my clients have some kind of challenge in their relationships with others. The struggle may be with a spouse, a friend, a family member, a co-worker, a child, a neighbor, or a landlord. No matter who the struggle is with, we often discuss what someone else said or did and how my client felt hurt or angry about it during our sessions. When we dig deeper, many times I find that a big part of the problem is triangulation. Triangulation is when a third person gets involved in a conflict. It might feel good temporarily, but it will hurt you in the long run.

Think of an imaginary triangle of three people. An issue may come up between two of them: maybe something one person said or did that upset the other. Triangulation occurs when one of the two individuals involved in the issue ‘invites’ a third person into the debate or argument. By ‘invite’ I mean talks to the third person about the individual they have the issue with or talks about the issue itself. The original issue has little or nothing to do with the third person! The problem here is when we use this as a way to vent our feelings.

This is what talking behind someone’s back is all about. Let’s say it starts when you take issue with what someone said. You then ‘invite’ a third person in by talking about it with them INSTEAD of talking directly to the person you had the issue with.

This feels good temporarily because it gives you a chance to vent your feelings and feel understood by someone else. And putting someone else down is a means of getting revenge.

Triangulation, however, is NOT helpful in the long run. It complicates the original problem because now another person’s thoughts and feelings are involved. More importantly, it denies us the means to solving the issue. The best way of solving an issue is talking directly to the person who hurt or angered us. So, what do you do instead?

First, realize who the issue is really with. Identify which two people the original debate, hurt or anger is between.

Second, don’t ‘invite’ a third person into the discussion (in other words, don’t triangulate). It is OK, and quite beneficial, if you do choose to talk to a very specific 3rd person: that person being your therapist. It is a therapist’s job to help you figure out your personal relationships. Talking to your therapist is different from triangulation because the therapist’s intention is to help you decide how you’re going to resolve the issue. Your therapist will offer you tools and ideas for solving the problem and your therapist will encourage you to talk directly to the person involved in order to get it worked through.

Are you not in therapy, but you can see how you triangulate? Sorting this out is one of the many benefits of being in a supportive therapy relationship. We are here to help you find solutions to your problems.

Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to find out how we can work with you to find tools and ideas that will help you productively work through the issues in your relationships.

What Was THAT All About?! Why Your Partner is Freaking Out Over Nothing and What You Can Do About it

April 7, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Have you ever seen someone have a very strong reaction to something that seems minor? From your perspective, you’re wondering what the big deal is. Why are they getting so upset?

Of course, this happens all the time in marriages and other intimate relationships. We see our spouse “freak out” over something small. Often, we don’t even know what triggered their anger or upset. When one partner witnesses the other get upset about something that seems trivial, it can be very confusing. Many times, people in my office will tell me that their partner got very upset – and they had no idea why.

So, why ARE they getting so upset? It boils down to this – their apparent “overreaction” is actually 20% triggered by whatever just happened and 80% triggered by something from the upset person’s past. In other words, the incident that just occurred touched upon something deeper inside that person. It may have brought to the surface an old hurt that hasn’t been worked through fully. This old hurt could be something that happened earlier in the current relationship, during a former relationship, or during childhood. As gifted Imago Master Trainer, Maya Kollman M.A., taught me, “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”

This may help the witnessing partner to keep things in perspective. It’s likely that when you see someone very upset, her/his own past issue has been activated. Of course, the exception to this is if you did something to intentionally hurt your partner, or did something that was abusive, neglectful, or unacceptable to them. In these cases, the level of upset would be proportionate to the level of pain you inflicted and is quite different from what I’m discussing in this article. What I’m describing here are those times when a partner has intense reactions to minor events – where the reaction is way out of proportion to the actual incident.

So, how does knowing that the reaction may be rooted in the past help your relationship? What do you do when your partner is having a strong reaction to something that seems minor to you? Use the basic Imago tool of mirroring. With mirroring, you paraphrase your partner’s comments back to him/her. For example you would say, “I hear that you’re very angry that the dishwasher was loaded that way.” Mirroring is different from agreeing. Just because you reflect back what was said doesn’t mean you agree. OR, you may decide to acknowledge your 20% responsibility for the trigger by saying something like, “Yes, I did try to fit as much as I could in the dishwasher and the dishes didn’t come out clean.” When dealing with a very upset person, the most important role you can take is that of a calm witness and understanding presence. Try to stay with them through their upset (unless they are attacking or shaming you).

Realizing that they are not just reacting to the dishes, but also to something from their past that hasn’t been resolved yet will help you to remain a calm witness for them. In this example, perhaps your partner grew up in a filthy house and hated that filth because they felt uncared for. Having dishes come out of the dishwasher dirty would touch upon that historical hurt and cause a major reaction to a minor incident. Keeping the historical perspective in mind will help you to stop taking things so personally and help you begin to understand your partner better. Knowing the reaction was triggered by something out of your partner’s past will help you to stay calm and mirror your partner’s words. In turn, your unruffled presence and mirroring will have a calming effect. This is one more way we can show love to our partner.

To schedule an appointment or to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

How to Know if Your Relationship is Worth Working On

March 21, 2014 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Many couples come to us when they are experiencing difficulties and ask, “Is this relationship worth saving or are we just not a good match? Maybe my partner isn’t the ‘right’ person for me and I should just cut my losses now.” When things are difficult, it often feels like we made a mistake and married the wrong person. We sometimes think we’d be better off alone or with a ‘better’ partner. So – how do you know if your relationship is worth trying to save?

If you have kids together, the answer is usually yes – of course you should try to work it through. Your kids desperately need you and their other parent living together in harmony. Divorce is very painful and disruptive and you owe it to your kids to get these issues resolved. Plus, you must figure out how to get along even if your marriage does end in divorce because you’ll still need to parent together, to make decisions together, and to celebrate the child’s accomplishments together.

There are two other quick measures that can help gauge whether your relationship is worth saving:

1. If you felt intense attraction at the beginning of the romance, the two of you are a good Imago match.

According to Imago Relationship Therapy, you felt this intense attraction early in the relationship because your unconscious deliberately chose this person to give you the opportunity to finish your developmental growth. It is only in a marriage or a long-term relationship that we get this unique opportunity to learn and grow into wholeness. If you felt intense attraction when you were newly in love, in most cases it is worth trying to work through the difficulties.

Of course, it is important that we don’t allow ourselves to be abused or mistreated in the hope of completing our growth. Take for example, a woman who grew up with an alcoholic parent. As an adult, the woman keeps finding herself dating alcohol or drug abusers even though she hates this and desperately wants to attract a good partner. Is there an opportunity buried within this problem? Yes, there is. The woman can decide to work on becoming conscious about why she does what she does and she can develop new healthy ways of coping with people who exhibit the traits that abusers exemplify. However, it would be unhealthy for her to continue to live with the chaos, unpredictability, vagueness, lies, and violence that can also come with these relationships. People rarely grow under these conditions.

The second determining factor that’s a good measure of whether a relationship is worth saving is:

2. If both partners are willing to work on the relationship.

If both are willing to put in the effort to try to fix things (even major difficulties like affairs, mental illness, and addictions) the relationship is worth the effort. Any of these things can be worked through if BOTH partners are willing to:

gain insight into the issue.
understand how his/her partner feels.
resolve to make changes.

But don’t be fooled into thinking your partner isn’t willing to work on the relationship just because he/she isn’t willing to AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME. Your partner may need a little time to get to a place where he or she is ready to put in the work of repairing the relationship. An elderly couple I met in the Imago community of therapists told me that one reason their marriage lasted for decades is that neither of them wanted a divorce at the same time. It is natural for partners’ interest in improving things to vacillate and alternate. Their desire to work things out may not always be in sync, but this doesn’t mean they don’t (or won’t) both have an interest in making things better. As long as there’s no ongoing abuse, know that it could take your partner some time before he/she is ready.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.comor go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

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