Archives for Improving relationship

It IS Possible to Heal After an Affair!

December 12, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off on It IS Possible to Heal After an Affair!

Have you ever heard someone declare “If my partner ever had an affair, our relationship would be over. I would be done!”?  Although that’s easy to say, in reality, if you are the one in that situation, it is a lot more complicated, especially if there are children involved.  At Couples Therapy Center of NJ, we help couples to figure out if repair and healing is even possible.

When there’s been infidelity, it’s our job to get them through the initial intensity of the revelation and to evaluate whether this relationship is salvageable.  We use a three step approach that focuses first on the present, second on the past, and third on the future:

  1. We help the couple deal with intense emotions that they are feeling in the present. An affair brings on many difficult emotions in the relationship, including rage, grief, confusion, guilt and shame. Navigating these intense emotions is an important step in stabilizing the relationship.  Stabilization is critical in order for the couple to move to the next step.
  2. We guide couples in looking at the history of the relationship. The purpose is to examine, and learn from, what may have led up to the affair. In this stage, couples make amends and begin healing this huge rupture.  If both partners are willing to acknowledge their contributions to the relationship, they can actually grow from this painful experience.  It’s not our job to point fingers and lay blame.  Instead, we help the couple take ownership of their past behaviors which, in turn, shines a light on what needs to be different going forward.
  3. We focus couples on the future. With our tools and techniques, they co-create a better and stronger relationship. Both partners work on what they need to do differently to rebuild trust and closeness.  Often couples who come to our office will say “We just want to go back to the way things were.” Our response is that we would like to help them go forward and not backwards because something about your past lead to the infidelity.  We seek to change the dysfunctional pieces together so trust is rebuilt and this never happens again.

It is possible to heal after an affair, and we have helped many couples through this process and onto a better, stronger relationship.  Plus, these couples have been able to spare their kids from a painful divorce.  If you’d like our help, call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to set an appointment with one of our relationship experts.

How To Argue Less About Sex and Enjoy it More

July 20, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off on How To Argue Less About Sex and Enjoy it More

Ask any couple- what is the most frequent source of arguments in relationships?  We have all heard it before; what do couples fight about-money and sex!  While this may be a true statement and there may be a lot of fighting happening around your sex life, sex and intimacy can be one of the best parts of your relationship. While it can provide us with the obvious physical connection and pleasure, sex has the added benefit of allowing you to feel more emotionally connected, and can be a great way to express your love and passion for each other. It can also be a great source of fun in our relationship! So, how do we prevent sex from becoming something that we battle about?

  • Worry more about quality vs. quantity-We often get hung up on quantity and the “magic number” of times to have sex in a week that makes for a good sex life. While there may be some discrepancy between you and your partner as to how often is “enough”, try to focus on finding a happy medium and then pay attention to the quality. Notice- are you both having fun during sex, or just going through the motions because you need to get in a certain number of times a week? If you and your partner are enjoying your time together, having fun and feeling satisfied, (both physically and emotionally!) after sex, then take the pressure off the burning question “how often should we be having sex?” Another key to this is to not compare your sex lives to others. It can be easy to feel like your own sex life is “bad” if your friends are having twice as much sex in their relationships. But remember, every couple is different, they may be making it sound better (or worse) than it really is,  and your satisfaction shouldn’t be based on anything but your own relationship.
  • Think outside the box-We can all remember that wonderful time at the beginning of our relationship when sex was amazing-spontaneous, frequent and filled with passion. But, the reality is that as we progress through stages of relationships and out of “Romantic Love” and stressors such as work and family start to impact our relationship, sex often turns into something routine. Be creative with timing. Couples with busy lives often feel they have no choice but to wait until the very end of the day, leaving them tired and more interested in zoning in front of the television or sleeping than having sex at that point. While it may be hard to “squeeze” in sex in between work, chores and taking care of your kids, think about times when you can get creative. Take advantage of napping kids, a fun break from chores, or some after dinner fun if the kids are occupied with their own activities.
  • Let’s talk about sex-Communicating with your partner about this topic may be difficult. Although your partner is someone you likely share the most intimate of thoughts with, not all of us feel comfortable talking about sex. While it may feel awkward, as with most things in our relationships, communication is key! The more we can share our likes and dislikes with our partner, the more satisfied we are likely to be. And, as with most things, the more we do talk about it, the more comfortable we are likely to get. As an added bonus, the intimacy you can feel from just having these discussions and sharing your desires can provide a feeling of emotional connection that can be just as good as the connection you get from the act itself.
  • Focus on more fun and less romance-When we read books and watch movies, we often see that sex is all about the romance. We are bombarded with scenes of candlelit bedrooms or steamy sex in the shower. Romance is certainly great and we all crave that at times, but sometimes we get so caught in trying to be romantic, that we forget that sex should also be fun! Remember that is okay to talk during sex and suggest something that might be different and fun for you. And it’s even okay to laugh during sex if things don’t go exactly as planned! I once had a couple tell me “I knew our sex life was good when we could both start cracking up while we were having sex.”
  • Make sex a time for togetherness rather than achieving a “goal” – In movies and on TV, it seems that sex always includes intercourse and both partners always have an orgasm.  In real life, that’s not the case.  If you believe that for sex to “count”, you both have to have to climax, that can put subtle pressure on one or both of you.  Instead, broaden your definition of “sex”.  It could include togetherness, touching, playing, arousal, laughing, role playing, and/or closeness but not necessarily an orgasm.  If orgasm(s) happen, great.  If they don’t, that’s okay too.  If you don’t make that the unstated “goal” of sex, you’ll be more relaxed.  Let whatever happens, happen (as long as you both consent) because the real purpose is togetherness and connection.

If you need help reconnecting and bringing the intimacy back in your relationship, contact us at getsupport@therapycenterofnj.com or 908-246-3074.

 

 

Don’t Avoid Fights—Just Fight Fairly!

April 16, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Don’t Avoid Fights—Just Fight Fairly!

We’ve all been in this scenario with our partner-we get angry over something they’ve done (or not done) and we approach our partner with our anger.  It’s likely we have the expectation that they will understand why we are upset, apologize and all will be right again. But how often does this scenario take place instead? Our partner reacts to our anger with their own, comes back at us with defensiveness, and suddenly a full-blown argument is taking place. Maybe it includes yelling, maybe it includes mean things said in anger—but it is likely that the result is hurt feelings and resentment. Over time, if these types of fights are occurring frequently, they can be very damaging to a relationship as the anger and resentment will only keep building!

So, how do we avoid these damaging fights? Some couples feel they should avoid fighting altogether. They may be very uncomfortable with confrontation and conflict, and therefore tend to not express any unhappiness with their partner. This extreme can lend itself to damage down the road as well. If we always bottled up our emotions, they are highly likely to come out at some point in an unhealthy way. Consider a bottle that you keep stuffing things in and trying to put a cork on it. Eventually the cork is going to pop if the bottle gets too filled!

So, knowing that avoiding all arguing is unhealthy, how do we have fights that are fair, healthy and, very importantly, productive?

-Stay on topic! How often have you start fighting over one subject and suddenly your partner is bringing up things from years past? It is easy to get caught up in throwing things at your partner that have happened and listing every injustice you feel you have ever suffered. Unfortunately, this tends to lead to more anger and can easily escalate a fight. In addition, we tend not to resolve the current issue when we lose focus on it and begin arguing about related topics. Do your best to stay on the topic that needs to be discussed and work on reminding each other to refocus if one partner is beginning to stray to the past.

-Try to move towards compromise! As competitive beings, many of us often focus on “winning” the argument. Often, this leads to our pride getting in the way of focusing on a better outcome-resolving the fight in fair and effective way that leaves both individuals feeling that they’ve been heard and understood. There are going to be times when the outcome does need to be ‘let’s agree to disagree’ and that is okay. But, often if we stay open to compromise, the two of you will feel closer to one another during the discussion thus making a good outcome more likely.

-Avoid labeling and blaming! When our own anger is met with defensiveness, it is likely because we are explaining ourselves to our partner by assigning blame. In addition, when we use labels, you are adding to the blame by giving the impression that the person is completely at fault. For example, if you are angry that they are not helping around the house as much as you’d like, a simple statement such as “you’re so lazy” sets the argument up for disaster! The label implies that it is more than just their behavior that you don’t like, but them as a whole. This of course will bring on defensives, which almost always will escalate the argument. Instead, try to use “I” statements, describe how the person’s behavior makes you feel and make a specific request. If you approached your partner in the above scenario with the statement, “I am feeling overwhelmed and would really appreciate if you cleaned up the kitchen after dinner”, you are so much more likely to get a positive response.

It is important to remember that arguing is not only a part of every relationship, but can be healthy because it means we are expressing our true feelings to our partner and opening up the possibility for working effectively together. Learning to fight fair is a skill that many of us don’t have and a skill that takes practice. But this skill can go a long way in improving your relationship satisfaction and happiness. To learn more about how to fight fair, and other relationship skills, contact us to schedule an appointment at 908-246-3074, or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

 

Make Your Relationship Your New Year’s Resolution

January 16, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off on Make Your Relationship Your New Year’s Resolution

It is a New Year and a great time for self-reflection, growth and making positive changes in our lives! It also becomes a great time to look at our relationships, and see how we can make them more satisfying and stronger. Often, when we reflect on how to improve our relationship we focus on our partner. Haven’t we all made comments like “If only my husband would help more around the house, things would be so much better between us.” Or “If my wife could just be more interested in having sex than sleeping, our relationship would be great!” We erroneously think that in order for our relationship to improve, our partner should be doing things differently.

One of the first concepts we teach couples when they come to our office is “Stages of Relationships” from Imago Relationship Therapy. While it may be at different paces, almost all couples will go through various stages over the course of their relationship, beginning with Romantic Love and moving into the Power Struggle stage-the one that usually drives them to seek therapy. Regardless of the power struggle that is occurring and causing them difficulty in their marriage, there is a pattern of blame that is usually happening. Each partner is focusing outwards, pointing fingers and wanting to tell us all their partner is doing wrong, or not doing right! When we begin moving them on the next stage “being committed to working on the relationship”, a key factor is to move the focus from outward to inward. In order for a relationship to improve, each partner needs to look at their own contribution to the relationship, and how their actions are affecting the relationship. Below are three things YOU can do in this new year to improve your relationship.

  • Improve your speaking and listening skills-While it’s no secret that relationships need good communication, we often don’t pay attention to how we speak to our partner or how well we really listen. When you want to talk about something that your partner is doing that is bothering you, ask yourself how you speak to your partner about it. Think of the difference in these two statements—“You never appreciate anything I do around here!” OR “I would like to talk to you about something. Is now a good time?  I have really been feeling unappreciated lately and when I do things around the house, it would make me happy to hear you express your thanks.” Imagine the defensive reaction you may get from the first statement as opposed to the willingness to listen you may get from the second.
  • Practice gratitude and appreciation for your partner-Just as couples love to come into our office and talk about all the things their partner is doing wrong, they are also generally talking a lot about these grievances at home too. So often in relationships, we spend so much time talking to our partner about our frustrations with them, we forget to ever tell them the things they do right. Expressing the things we love and appreciate about our partner goes such a long way in improving a relationship, and strengthening the fondness, affection and connection. Plus, neuroscience is now showing us that the brain reinforces neural connections that get used often.  So, if you’re noticing and remarking positive behaviors, that is what will grow in importance to your brain thus making you feel better.  When you’re more positive, your partner is highly likely to make positive changes (consciously or unconsciously) as well.
  • Look for more ways to connect with your partner-In therapy, we teach how to “bid (or ask) for connection”. Think about how you connect with your partner. Do you ask to spend time together? Do you call or text during the day just to check in and see how their day is going? Do you do nice gestures for your partner, such as picking up their dry cleaning on your way home? Do you reach out to touch or hold your partner? Connection can be done in so many ways; it can be verbal or non-verbal.  We need to think outside the box about doing more than just the occasional “date nights” or special celebrations on Valentine’s Day and anniversaries and, instead, look for ways we can connect with our partner on a daily basis. These daily connections, even thought they may seem small, are what keeps a solid foundation of friendship, love and intimacy strong in our relationship.

If you’re ready to focus on what you can do to improve your intimate relationship, call us at (908) 246-3074 or visit our website www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment.  We’re here to help you create the best relationship possible this year.