8 Demands on Marriage That Contribute to Divorce

February 25, 2019 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Might you have unrealistic expectations for your relationship that are leaving you feeling disappointed in your partner? In general in our culture, we have the expectation that our marriage should meet a wide variety of our needs. Think about the messages we are consistently exposed to whether they come from television shows, romantic novels or what we see from other people on social media. There are eight needs that we are continually expecting our partners to meet. Consider that we are told our partners should…

be our best friend
be a good financial provider
participate in household responsibilities like cooking and cleaning
be a good parent
support us in pursuit of our goals
be our romantic partner
be our erotic partner
be a source of security and stability.

That is a tall order! Believing that any one person can fulfill all those needs for us is a recipe for disappointment! Having these expectations is often leaving us let down by our partners when they fail to meet all these needs. It even leads to thinking that the grass is greener if we move on to another relationship with a ‘better partner’.

Think back to what you may heard about why people married generations ago. People may have married to join two families and make a political alliance. People may have married a partner who was a good worker and knew they would run the family business or family farm well together. People married to procreate. They certainly didn’t expect their partner would meet all these eight needs.

With this information about expectations, ask yourself two questions.

First, how can you accept your partner as is? How can you accept them knowing they have certain strengths, but also certain weaknesses?

Secondly, how can you strengthen your network and your support system around you so that you do have these various eight needs met, but without unrealistically demanding them from any one person?

We hope asking yourself these questions will challenge you to think differently about your marriage. If you would like help thinking differently about your marriage, call us at 908-246-3074, or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment with one of our relationship experts.

Mindfulness in Relationships: Advanced Couples Techniques

May 15, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Mindfulness has been a buzzword lately. It means being in the present moment – noticing where you are, what’s around you and what you’re feeling. It’s being aware of what’s right here, right now without judgment, without wishing it were different in some big or small way.

I’m going to show you how mindfulness applies to relationships, but first let’s start with some examples of the opposite of mindfulness. Not being mindful would be thinking about (and perhaps, regretting) the past or planning (and perhaps, anxious about) the future. You might be staying in the present, but instead of taking it for what it is, be caught up in your own narrative (or the meaning you make of) the present event. It can be distraction, only half paying attention or wishing this moment was over to get to the next moment. Pause to consider how often you may do that last one. It could be begrudgingly loading the dishwasher so you can ‘get to’ sitting on the couch, or wishing you weren’t standing on line and you were already at the counter, or watching the clock at work so you can ‘get to’ the end of the day. All these are examples of ways we can individually not be mindful.

In my work with couples, I’ve expanded the concept of mindfulness to apply to relationships. It’s an advanced concept because it stretches people not only to be present in the moment with their partner, but to do so without judgment of one’s partner. Judgment here means longing for them or the situation to be different in some big or small way.

One type of the opposite of mindfulness in relationships is wishing your partner was different in behavior or character. Here are some examples: You and your partner are sitting on the back deck sipping wine together but you’re wishing he/she would talk more. You and your partner are texting while at work and you wish he/she would send you loving/sexy texts without being prompted. You’re affectionate and like having sex but dislike that it only happens if you initiate. Your partner makes a nice dinner but burns the garlic bread. You think your partner works too much, talks to much, eats too much and so on. All these are examples of wanting him/her to be/do something else than they are presently.

Another type of the opposite of mindfulness in relationships is being caught up in your own narrative, or your interpretation of the present event. Here are examples of this: Your partner says they don’t have time today to investigate a billing error you found and you say to yourself “She never makes time for things that take effort.” Your partner forgets something important you told her and you say to yourself “She never pays attention when I tell her something.” Your partner is out for the evening and doesn’t return your text and you say to yourself “I wonder who she’s really with.” All these are examples of not taking what your partner is saying or doing at face value, but instead allowing your thinking to layer on a story, or narrative, over it. Often, this thinking comes from past occurrences (you’re bringing the past into the present moment) or from future concerns (bringing the future into the present moment).

What if you could be in the present moment in interactions with your partner without judgment and without bringing in the past or future? It would mean you’re accepting of him/her as they are right now – an imperfect human being (as we all are). You would be aware of, and okay with, what IS occurring rather than what (according to you) SHOULD BE occurring. This is, of course, excluding abuse. I’m not implying you should be okay with being abused. Putting that aside, mindfulness in relationships would mean noticing what your partner is doing or saying right here and right now and being at peace with it. You would feel centered and calm with the current reality because you are no longer wrestling against it (either silently or aloud). This would require you to find your center and your sense of peace in order to handle what life (and your partner) presents in that moment. In other words, if you are able to say calm and focused in the present, it will be easier to accept your partner’s actions or words, simply for what they are.

It’s important to remember that being mindful does not negate that you still may have specific needs you would like your partner to meet. You can still make requests of your partner. The purpose of marriage is to grow into our best selves and (if we’re not too highly defended) our partner can be our best critic because they know us very well and still love us. You can both continue to ask for what you’re needing and wanting, but the key is to be okay if your partner cannot, or is not yet ready to, give that. They might be ready in the future, but for now, you can be in the present moment with him/her without judgment. Think of what a gift this would be to your relationship – to love and accept one another as we are now. It’s what we’re all longing for as humans – to be known and, despite having faults, still loved.

Don’t Avoid Fights—Just Fight Fairly!

April 16, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

We’ve all been in this scenario with our partner-we get angry over something they’ve done (or not done) and we approach our partner with our anger. It’s likely we have the expectation that they will understand why we are upset, apologize and all will be right again. But how often does this scenario take place instead? Our partner reacts to our anger with their own, comes back at us with defensiveness, and suddenly a full-blown argument is taking place. Maybe it includes yelling, maybe it includes mean things said in anger—but it is likely that the result is hurt feelings and resentment. Over time, if these types of fights are occurring frequently, they can be very damaging to a relationship as the anger and resentment will only keep building!

So, how do we avoid these damaging fights? Some couples feel they should avoid fighting altogether. They may be very uncomfortable with confrontation and conflict, and therefore tend to not express any unhappiness with their partner. This extreme can lend itself to damage down the road as well. If we always bottled up our emotions, they are highly likely to come out at some point in an unhealthy way. Consider a bottle that you keep stuffing things in and trying to put a cork on it. Eventually the cork is going to pop if the bottle gets too filled!

So, knowing that avoiding all arguing is unhealthy, how do we have fights that are fair, healthy and, very importantly, productive?

-Stay on topic! How often have you start fighting over one subject and suddenly your partner is bringing up things from years past? It is easy to get caught up in throwing things at your partner that have happened and listing every injustice you feel you have ever suffered. Unfortunately, this tends to lead to more anger and can easily escalate a fight. In addition, we tend not to resolve the current issue when we lose focus on it and begin arguing about related topics. Do your best to stay on the topic that needs to be discussed and work on reminding each other to refocus if one partner is beginning to stray to the past.

-Try to move towards compromise! As competitive beings, many of us often focus on “winning” the argument. Often, this leads to our pride getting in the way of focusing on a better outcome-resolving the fight in fair and effective way that leaves both individuals feeling that they’ve been heard and understood. There are going to be times when the outcome does need to be ‘let’s agree to disagree’ and that is okay. But, often if we stay open to compromise, the two of you will feel closer to one another during the discussion thus making a good outcome more likely.

-Avoid labeling and blaming! When our own anger is met with defensiveness, it is likely because we are explaining ourselves to our partner by assigning blame. In addition, when we use labels, you are adding to the blame by giving the impression that the person is completely at fault. For example, if you are angry that they are not helping around the house as much as you’d like, a simple statement such as “you’re so lazy” sets the argument up for disaster! The label implies that it is more than just their behavior that you don’t like, but them as a whole. This of course will bring on defensives, which almost always will escalate the argument. Instead, try to use “I” statements, describe how the person’s behavior makes you feel and make a specific request. If you approached your partner in the above scenario with the statement, “I am feeling overwhelmed and would really appreciate if you cleaned up the kitchen after dinner”, you are so much more likely to get a positive response.

It is important to remember that arguing is not only a part of every relationship, but can be healthy because it means we are expressing our true feelings to our partner and opening up the possibility for working effectively together. Learning to fight fair is a skill that many of us don’t have and a skill that takes practice. But this skill can go a long way in improving your relationship satisfaction and happiness. To learn more about how to fight fair, and other relationship skills, contact us to schedule an appointment at 908-246-3074, or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Busting The Myths of Marriage That Cause Disappointment

February 20, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed recently and came across an article that intrigued me but, as I read it, made me increasingly angry. It was entitled “10 Signs You’re Going to Marry Your Boyfriend Someday”. As a marriage and family therapist, of course I find these articles interesting and they often do have good tips. But this was inadvertently promoting a false reality of what marriage “should” be. Let’s take a closer look at some of the signs the author points to as proof you have found your perfect mate.

“You’ll feel attracted to him all the time.”- We all know that feeling when everything’s new. We call it the Romance stage of relationships. In this initial phase, everything feels good and we can’t get enough of our partner in all ways, including physically. Sex is new and therefore is erotic and exciting. But is it realistic to believe that in a long-lasting marriage, we will feel attracted to our partner all the time? The reality beyond this myth is that as the relationship develops and goes through different stages (such as the Power Struggle phase where the relationship is experiencing more conflict) our attraction likely ebbs and flows. When we are in conflict, or when our relationship is struggling under stress, or simply because we’ve been together so long, it makes sense that we don’t feel a daily attraction to our partner. But sex and intimacy can be great in your relationship – with realistic expectations!

“You’ll feel like you can work anything out without a fight”- Sure, we may have disagreements at the beginning, but we are much more willing to overlook our partner’s faults or annoying habits and we tend to find most things about our partner endearing, leaving us little to fight about. The reality beyond this myth is that arguing is a normal part of every healthy relationship. As two separate individuals with our own unique perspectives on life, we will naturally disagree at times. And just as intimacy is affected by increased stressors, naturally, increased stressors give us more to fight about. The key to success in the relationship is not so much about the content of the fighting, or even how you fight; but it is about learning how to repair after the fight. Repair includes coming together after the fight and being able to have an effective conversation, hug, or shift your focus back onto what you do appreciate about your partner.

“You’ll Feel Like His Little Quirks Are More Adorable Than Irritating”-Sure, at the beginning his little quirks are adorable, because all the good feelings of a new love make us look at everything about our partner in a positive light. The reality beyond this myth is that we wouldn’t be human if we weren’t irritated by our partner at times. As compatible as we may be with any person, being in a committed relationship, living with another person, and sharing our lives with another person involves feeling irritated at times. Feeling irritated with our partner is as normal and healthy as fighting! Again, the key is to nurture the fondness and admiration you have for your partner’s other traits.

When I take a closer look at this article, I notice the author has only been married for a few months, and I wonder if she would have a different perspective years into her own marriage. The danger in an article like this is that all these positive thoughts and feelings that are occurring in the Romance stage of the relationship and are not necessarily going to continue through the life of the marriage. If we believe they will, we are often left feeling disappointed and disillusioned, and perhaps even thinking our partner is not the “right’ one. Rather, let’s teach couples to have an understanding that it is normal for these positive feelings to ebb and flow, just as other emotions come and go like the ocean’s tide. Of course, this doesn’t mean a relationship beyond the Romance stage is destined for a life of lack of sex, fighting and discord. On the contrary, once we move through the stages of Power Struggle and Commitment to making our relationship work, we ultimately reach an even better place that we refer to as Mature Love. Mature love has the same positivity as Romance; in fact, we can be having even better sex and better connection, love and friendship in this stage because we have come to accept that both our partner and ourselves are flawed. But, we love them despite these flaws!

If you want to learn more about how to work through the Stages of Relationships and how to have realistic expectations of a long term relationship, contact us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or 908-246-3074.

Validation Does Not Equal Agreement

November 18, 2017 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Has your partner ever said to you “You’re being too sensitive”, “It’s silly to feel that way”, or “Don’t be sad, just cheer up.”? Often, responses like these to our partner’s emotions are said out of caring and a desire to make our partner feel better. After all, when we love someone, we never want to see them feeling sad, angry, or disappointed. But, in saying these things, we are missing out on the opportunity to do something that can make a relationship so much stronger and more satisfying—we are missing the opportunity to validate our partner!

Validation means telling your partner you understand. It’s phrases like “I get it” or “You make sense” or “I can see your point”. It’s simple to do, but many couples get caught in the traps that prevent validation from happening. One of the biggest obstacles is that people assume that validation equals agreement. Yet, this is not the case at all. Let’s look at an example: A couple is having a discussion about their child wanting to go to college out of state. The mother feels she should stay closer to home because she is concerned she will be too homesick and not able to come home as easily. The father feels it will be good for their daughter and allow her to gain some independence. Think about the reaction the father may get if he says to his wife “You are being ridiculous for worrying. Of course, she will be just fine.” Although his intention would be to get his partner to stop worrying, it likely has the effect of making her feel dismissed or as if her feelings are unimportant. In contrast, consider this validating statement –“I can understand your concern about her being so far away; she tends to get homesick when she is gone”. Can you see how this statement would make his wife feel very differently? It is likely that with this validation, it would help to make his wife feel heard and understood. While the husband disagrees and feels completely differently, he can still relay his understanding of his wife’s feelings. (NOTE: He did not say “You’re right” or “I agree” or “Yes, she should stay in state”. THOSE would be agreements.) Validation communicates that we are accepted and understood for our point of view, even if there is not agreement or a decision.

Since validation seems easier said than done, here are some tips on engaging in this important pattern of communication:

Listen for the sake of listening-Listening is a skill that takes practice. But in order to validate, we need to be sure we are listening effectively. Very often, when we listen to our partner, we are thinking about what we want to say in response. By doing this, we prevent ourselves truly hearing our partner. Try putting your own thoughts and opinions on the back burner while your partner is speaking and listen just for the sake of listening. This will allow for more understanding of your partner’s viewpoint. In addition, being fully present while listening is equally important. Be sure to put down the phone, turn off the television and provide your partner with your full attention.

Try to put yourself into your partner’s shoes-Validation requires you to look at the world from your partner’s lens rather than what we are used to doing, which is viewing it from our own. We all have biological differences, personality differences and past experiences that affect the way we view present issues. If you are disagreeing with your partner about something, it is likely because you both are viewing it from your own lenses. When you are able to look at it from your partner’s lens and be willing to see it how they may see it, it allows for you to validate it. Again, you may disagree, but be able to say a validating statement such as “You make sense to me” when understanding our partner’s viewpoint.

Validation is a skill, like many others in a relationship, that will take practice. But it enhances closeness, lets defenses loosen and fall away, and paves the way for coming to a solution you both can feel good about. It’s not easy, but it can have a powerful, uniting effect. If you and your partner need help with this skill, or other relationship skills, please feel free to call us at 908-246-3074 or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

What is the One Crucial Skill You May Not be Teaching Your Children?

October 19, 2017 by admin in Family, Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

If you’re focused on your kids’ academics and sports, you may be missing the boat. More than ever, society defines success for our children as good grades, how many activities/sports they participate in, and even how many friends they have. Beyond participation, we’re taught they need to excel in order to succeed in life. Consequently, we invest tons of time, energy and money into these areas of our child’s development. We bend over backwards to chauffeur them to activities, to study with them, hire tutors and send them to the best schools, or to hire private coaches and get them on the travel teams. Of course, these are worthwhile and valuable aspects of life. But, if your relationship with their other parent is suffering in the meantime, you’re missing the boat on a crucial aspect of your child’s development.

There’s a meme on social media that states something like “Don’t worry about watching your children’s behavior. Worry about your children watching yours.” Regardless of their age, our children ARE watching us: how we love their other parent, argue with their other parent, and how we handle our own emotions. (They’re also observing how we manage other areas of our life (spiritual, health and fitness, involvement with extended family, career, financial et cetera). If your relationship with their other parent is limping along or in conflict, that can have a huge impact on what a child learns about relationships and have repercussions well into their adulthood. We may not be aware of the lessons we are teaching, but as their parents, we are unconsciously modeling for them how to act and react. If we are easily annoyed with, or contemptuous of, our spouse, kids learn that’s how married couples view one another. If we play the victim and feel sorry for ourselves, kids learn that’s how to handle feelings of hurt or loneliness. If we turn to alcohol, overeating, or another compulsive behavior to numb our own emotions, kids learn that’s how to handle painful feelings.

While we may be busy raising children who are achieving academically, or who are involved in many activities, as parents we may be missing the opportunity to develop something much more important to a child’s development –their ability to establish and maintain healthy relationships. Who cares if they become a prize winner, champion or professional success if their personal life is in shambles? Or if they’re lonely? Or in conflict with those closest to them? I bet we all could think of at least one person in history who made a significant contribution to society but who left a wake of hurt in their personal relationships and/or was depressed, addicted, and even suicidal. It is likely that these people did not have enough skills in interpersonal relationships and dealing with emotion, even though they were what society defines as “successful”.

Our children are watching and learning how we handle interpersonal interactions every day. Therefore, they need us to develop OUR ability to handle conflict well, to give and receive love, and to deal with our own emotions effectively. Our schools have begun to teach these skills, but not nearly enough. Do not underestimate the amount they are observing and concluding just from witnessing you.

Ask yourself how you rate on the following statements:

I am actively engaged in learning how to be a better spouse, parent and/or friend.
I take responsibility for all relationship conflicts when they arise.
I recognize when I need support and am continually seeking help.
I read/listen to something instructional or inspirational for at least 30 minutes each day.
I acknowledge my feelings, express them appropriately, and decide what’s the best course of action.

I’m suggesting you spend as much time and effort on yourself as you do on your children because BOTH of you benefit – you’ll have a better relationship with their other parent, your kids will be watching positive and healthy interactions, and you’ll feel calmer and better able to handle what life throws at you. Success in sports and academics is not the be-all end-all for our children. Success in relationships (intimate, familial, collegiate) will have a tremendous impact on your future adult-child’s happiness and success in life, for we are humans who live in community and need one another.

The ‘Bad’ Emotions: What to do with Anger & Sadness

September 15, 2017 by admin in Emotions, Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

by Meredith Keller & Debby Deroian

Some emotions have a very bad reputation! Sadness, fear, shame and jealousy are all considered negative and things we ‘shouldn’t’ feel. We get these messages from society, from mass media and from our families (both when growing up and presently). The reality is that no emotion is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ because humans are endowed with the ability to feel ALL emotions. They can serve to process loss, to keep us safe and to guide us to do the right thing. The trick with painful emotions is in HOW you express (or act on) them. In this article, we’ll focus on anger and sadness.

It was our parents or caregivers who originally taught us (intentionally or unintentionally) how to deal with ‘bad’ emotions. How often have you heard a parent say to a crying child “Don’t cry. It will be okay”? Or how about when a child expresses fear and we say, “Don’t worry; you have nothing to be afraid of”? As parents, we don’t do this with malintent, of course. We don’t want to see our child sad, afraid or in pain because we experience the pain alongside them. But, what many parents fail to realize is: by trying to prevent our children from experiencing any painful emotions, we are only hindering their ability to learn how to deal with them effectively. One thing is certain; they will feel a variety of feelings throughout their lives, no matter how much we try to protect them.

Consider a scenario where a child is crying and a caregiver handles it in a different way. “I understand why you feel sad about your friend being mean to you.” This statement sends out a completely different message: “It’s okay to feel what you feel and I am with you right now”. Taking it one step further, the parent could help the child come up with a course of action such as “Let’s go together to talk to your friend and his/her parent about what happened.”

Regardless of how we learned to manage our emotions, as adults we are faced with feeling a wide range of them, and being able to manage them in healthy ways is key to strong relationships. So what are some ways we can manage our emotions when they arise?

-Find constructive ways to deal with them, not destructive

Anger is a great example. Let’s say we are angry at our partner for forgetting our birthday. If we have never learned how to manage anger in a healthy way, we may approach our partner with harshness or berating. OR we don’t speak to them for days. This certainly doesn’t remove our anger; in fact, it tends to have the opposite effect of fueling the anger. On the other hand, we could go to our partner and say, “I want to let you know I am really angry that you forgot my birthday.” Think about how the outcome might be different. Speaking aloud your feelings or writing them down are constructive ways to deal with them.

-Learn how to self-soothe

This is again, a hard thing as adult to know how to do, especially if we had the caregivers who jumped in to try to make us feel better immediately and weren’t comfortable with our painful emotions. While it is important, especially in relationships, for our partners to validate our emotions, we are all ultimately responsible for being able to manage our own emotions in a healthy way. Learning techniques, such as relaxation, breathing, connecting with a Higher Power, or any method that allows you to deescalate will be incredibly useful in relationships, and all aspects of our daily lives.

-Check in with yourself to see if you are expressing the emotion underneath anger

Often, we mask one emotion with another (because one might be more acceptable or ‘easier’ to feel than another). Let’s look at the above example of our partner forgetting our birthday. We may feel really hurt. But hurt or disappointment may be emotions we don’t think we should have a right to feel. We may tell ourselves “I’m being silly. It’s only a birthday and I’m sure he/she just had a busy day and forgot.” But since we don’t want to allow ourselves to feel the hurt, we allow it to come out as anger instead because anger is a less vulnerable feeling than admitting we are hurt. It would be okay to say, “I was hurt and disappointed that you forgot my birthday this year.”

Managing our emotion is a skill that, like many others, can be learned in adulthood and practiced. If you’d like help in learning how to manage your emotions, please contact us at 908-246-3074, or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment. We are blessed to have the privilege of helping people like you lead more peaceful, centered lives. We look forward to hearing from you.

Tools to Communicate So Your Partner Can Actually Hear You

August 14, 2017 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

by Meredith Keller & Debby Deroian

Most every couple has experienced that argument in which you escalate one another until you are caught in a negative cycle of defensiveness, anger and/or hurt feelings. When couples get caught up in these types of arguments, the original issue has little to no chance of being resolved. These interactions are characterized by a) very little listening, b) each partner focusing on what they want their partner to change, and c) blame, shame & criticism. This is ineffective communication at its finest. So how can we learn new ways to talk, and equally as important, listen to our partners to have effective communication instead?

Constructive speaking includes:

Asking your partner if now is a good time to talk-Timing is key. Even though a topic is on your mind at the moment, now is not always a good time for your partner. This can be difficult because we might feel a burning desire to say it immediately. But if your partner has just walked in the door from work, or has had a tough day with the kids, it is important to remember they won’t be in the most receptive frame of mind. A simple question like “I would really like to talk to you about something, is now a good time?” can set you up for having a productive conversation. Just as important, of course, is being able to take no for an answer.
Talk about yourself-As we talked about, during arguments, the fingers are generally pointed towards our partners in blame. Rather than talking about your partner, talk about yourself using statements such as “I think, I feel, I’d like…” These “I” statements will go a long way to ward off reactions like defensiveness and help your partner be able to actually hear what it is you’re saying.
Verbalize how this conversation may be connected to your past-Sometimes our partner doesn’t understand where our strong feelings are coming from. If we can verbalize how a present issue is similar to, or even the opposite of, your past, it can assist your partner in understanding why a given topic is important to you.

Constructive listening includes:

Responding to your partner’s request for a dialogue- If you are not in a good space for really listening (if you’re cold, tired, hungry, preoccupied, or your foot hurts (!)), you can say no to your partner’s request for dialogue. However, it is important that you do offer up a different time, such as “How about tomorrow morning before I leave for work?” You want to be sure that your partner does not feel dismissed and you can accomplish this even if “now” is not the right time. However, if you are in a good space at that moment, turn towards them by saying “Yes”.
Listening to understand-Listening is a very hard skill. It’s one that most of us assume we do correctly but, in fact, are often doing incorrectly. For example, rather than listening to understand, we wait (or not) for the chance to respond. Our partner may be speaking, but all we are doing is thinking about what we want to say next. Instead, go in with the intention of taking turns speaking, so the listener can focus on just the listening knowing that they will get their turn. We have two ears and only one mouth – we can choose to listen more than speak.
Validate-Validation means stating what you can understand about what your partner is saying if you were in their shoes. Many couples get very stuck on this because they have the false idea that understanding equals agreement. It is okay if you don’t agree with your partner; but you can still find one thing about what they are saying that makes sense to you and tell them what that is! Validation during listening will go such a long way in making your partner feel not only heard, but understood-something that we all long for in a relationship.

Talking and listening in this way has the power to deepen your knowledge and understanding of one another. It moves you closer to each other, and over time, being closer is what builds fondness and enables people to work together. When you practice and learn a new way to talk and listen, connection, friendship and intimacy deepen, ultimately improving the relationship for both of you. If you and your partner need help implementing some of these effective communication strategies, please feel free to call us at 908-246-3074, or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Why Is It Couples Come to Hate the Very Trait that First Drew Them To Their Partner?

May 24, 2017 by admin in Divorce, Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Imagine a love story where opposites attract: the popular guy becomes drawn to the shy bookworm, or the rich sophisticated woman falls for the hardworking blue collared man. In the movies, the ending is always the same-the couple brings out the best in each other with their opposite qualities and they live happily ever after. But for many couples, the trait that first drew them to their partner becomes a source of friction between them later on. Can the old adage “opposites attract” transfer into a solid, long-lasting relationship?

The reverse would seem to be closer to the truth: we want a partner who is similar, who has the same likes and dislikes, who enjoys the same activities. Yet, for many couples, they were drawn to a partner who has traits that are in fact opposite of theirs. In my and my husband’s story, I was first drawn to his athletic ability. It was exciting and not an ability I thought I had. With him, I was now mountain biking, rock climbing and going to the gym – things I had never done before and, turns out, I love doing. This is why we often hear new lovers say “He/she completes me!” They’re being exposed to new ways of being. These differences are so attractive in the beginning stage of a relationship when you feel loved and accepted. When we’re feeling connected and cherished, we are open to newness and dissimilarity in our loved one.

But often, that fondness for difference doesn’t last. The relationship naturally moves out of that beginning phase and into a stage of challenge and difficulty. At some point, and unintentionally, I began to resent my husband spending time doing sports. It became the source of arguments between us. The very quality/talent/trait I once found so endearing had become a source of conflict. I was angry that he spent so much time cycling and working out. Why the change? Because in this difficulty stage, we are, at times, feeling challenged, hurt, lonely or scared (for reasons not connected to any trait). The relationship feels SO different from how it used to. And when we have these painful feelings, we unconsciously revert to our old ways of coping and our old ways of behaving in the world. For me, it was to return my focus to academics and career. At this stage, that characteristic in our partner is threatening, not exhilarating, because that trait wasn’t something our parents encouraged in us as children. We can come to hate the very trait we used to love in this person.

I overcame this by trying to understand my husband, turning my attention toward what this was bringing up in me and by changing my perspective. I thought about the role athleticism played in his childhood – it was a source of joy and his escape from a not-so-great adolescence. For him, it was more than just going on a ride – he did it to feel good and feel accomplished. Next I had to explore myself – I was discouraged from doing many sports and adventures as a kid. My parents balked when I asked to play ice hockey (granted, it was the 70’s and not the young-girl-power movement we’re seeing today). From numerous experiences like that, I learned it’s not emotionally safe (and wasn’t developed in me) to be athletic and adventurous. When feeling hurt as an adult, I turned to what had felt emotionally safe (what had been accepted by others) and turned away from the trait my husband exemplified. Lastly, I changed my perspective. I realized that my husband has been modeling for me an aspect that needed to be developed in me (athleticism) AND I came to know its value (to take care of my body with exercise and to have fun and excitement). After a long journey, and many of my own therapy sessions spent talking about this, I am grateful. He has been showing me all along how to do something I need to develop in myself.

Here are how opposites can have successful long-term relationships:

-Understand how this trait operated in your partner’s childhood or adolescence

-Reflect on what messages you heard growing up about this trait and whether it was emotionally safe to do or not

-Consider how this trait is a good and valuable one that you may need to develop

If differences in personalities are causing you difficulty in your relationship, we can help you implement these strategies, as well as others, to create a mutually satisfying relationship for both partners. Please feel free to call us at 908-246-3074, or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

My Teens Are Driving Me Crazy! And They Aren’t Even Mine: A Step Parent’s Frustration

March 16, 2017 by admin in Divorce, Family, Marriage, Relationships, Remarriage | Comments Off

“You’re not my real mother, so why should I listen to you?”
“I hate you! I wish my father NEVER EVEN MET YOU!”
“If it wasn’t for you, my parents would still be together.”
If you’re a step parent of teens, it’s likely you’ve heard statements like these at times. How can a (newly remarried) couple navigate the intense feelings of their teens while keeping their marriage healthy and strong? Working together as a team is always the first order of business, especially with teenagers whose job it is to test parental boundaries. But there are also helpful ways for the step parent to make the road smoother. If you are the step parent of a teenager, here are three tips to keep in mind:
Don’t take it personally
Teenagers, experiencing a multitude of changes in their bodies and raging hormones, are emotional creatures under any circumstances. They are likely experiencing many feelings around this time of change in their family, especially if they are still holding on to hope of their parents getting back together. While divorce is hard on children of all ages, if a divorce occurred when the child is older, they often have a harder time. It’s harder for them to accept that their parents won’t be together anymore and they may feel their family has been torn apart. It’s normal for children to have a deep-seated desire for their parents to ultimately get back together. This, then, makes it seems as if the step parent is the person getting in the way of their fantasy. As a step parent, you may end up being the target of their anger, betrayal, and other painful emotions. It can help to know that the painful emotions your step child is feeling likely has little to nothing to do with you personally.
Don’t attempt to compete with the biological parent
With younger children, there tends to be more of an acceptance of a step parent as long as you are loving and attentive. But with teenagers, this acceptance of a new parental figure in their lives doesn’t usually come easily and you can inadvertently end up ‘competing’ with the bio parent. If there is a good relationship with their other biological parent, chances are loyalty will be fierce. It is important to never say anything bad about your step child’s biological parent, as much as it may be tempting at times. If the relationship with your new partner and their ex isn’t so amicable, be sure to keep those conversations away from children at all times! They need to know and believe that their loyalty to their biological parent is absolutely okay. As the newcomer, try to remind children that you are never looking to replace their biological parent. To avoid seeming to compete with your partner’s ex, always respect the role the bio parent plays in the teen’s life. Another important way to stay away from a competing stance is by sharing big decisions and important information with the biological parent. For example, if your teenager gets in trouble in school, be sure to work with your partner AND THEIR EX to decide on how discipline will be handled. If your teenager sees that parenting is being done in conjunction with both of their biological parents, they will have a clearer understanding that you as the step parent are not trying to be a replacement parent.

Talk openly and honestly with your ‘new’ teenager
While getting teenagers to talk is generally challenging, they tend to appreciate when adults are able to be honest with them. While they are by no means your peer and the parent/child roles need to be reinforced, talking honestly with them about issues in the family will help. For example, if you as the step parent are struggling to relate to them or finding it hard to find a common interest, don’t be afraid to confide this struggle to them. Doing so will not only open avenues of communication, but will have the added bonus of letting them see that you are human and doing your best.

While being the step parent of an adolescent can bring its own unique set of challenges, some simple actions can go a long way in keeping peace in your blended family. These attitudes and actions can even help to get you on your way to a strong healthy relationship with your new stepchild. At Couples Therapy Center of NJ, we help remarried couples with parenting issues to develop healthy communication AND grow a strong, stable family. And if you can’t get your spouse to come in with you, that’s okay. We also see individual clients because good work on the marriage (and family) can take place even if we never meet your partner.

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