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Infidelity: How Working Through it Can STRENGTHEN a Marriage

November 25, 2013 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

We think we should be strong enough to survive alone. Regarding
marriage, we think that if we are betrayed by an unfaithful partner, we should
leave. Well-meaning friends tend to tell the spouse who was betrayed, “You
should leave the bastard!” as if that’s the right, and only, response.

But, leaving immediately is a poor solution because…

1) It oversimplifies the issue. Anyone who has experienced
infidelity (and marriage) for themselves knows the choices are not so black or
white.

2) The ability to work through conflict is actually a higher level
skill than surviving on one’s own. It takes more maturity to resolve
issues than it does to escape them.

3) It indicates that the cheating partner is solely to blame,
ignoring all the tension and distance that led up to the affair. It places all
the responsibility for the affair on the partner who was unfaithful and implies
that the other person was an innocent victim. Although the partner who was
unfaithful DID MAKE bad choices and going through a rough patch in a marriage
doesn’t excuse actually having an affair, it’s highly unlikely that the
cheating partner is 100% the source of the problem.

When both partners work through the aftermath of an affair, it can
ultimately lead to a stronger marriage. A good recovery needs several
things to happen.

First, the couple needs to find a way to discuss their feelings about
what happened. The one cheated on needs to let their spouse know how
shocked, devastated, betrayed and angry they feel. Also, the cheater needs to
talk about their feelings about the marriage leading up to the affair.

This is very hard to do. Some couples scream, shout, or let
the spouse know in some other unproductive way how they are feeling. When this
happens, the feelings don’t get talked about in a way that allows the partner
to hear and take them in. That’s why, during this first stage of shock and
intense feelings, you need the support and help of a skilled couples
counselor like those here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey. A
good couples counselor will help both partners to get out what needs to be
expressed in a productive way. They will also help the other partner
to withstand this stage of intense feelings and find a way to have empathy for
their partner. Understanding and empathy for one
another are crucial to the repair process.

In the second stage, the couple explores what led up
to the infidelity. Affairs happen for numerous reasons and do not always
indicate that things were ‘bad’ in the marriage. They will look at
what was going on in their relationship, whether it was lack of connection,
hostility, having lost touch with oneself, falling into a role they believed
they needed to be in, or an unmet longing to feel desired, wanted, and
cherished. Couples need to ask, “What was occurring between us at that time?
How did we each contribute to the state of the marriage back then? How were we
each behaving that got in our own way of getting our needs met?”

Notice a very important shift here: from ‘you’ to ‘us’. A
knowledgeable couples therapist will lead the couple in exploring, not from a
place of blame and criticism but from a wish to learn from what has happened.
This will help the couple to honestly and maturely face what was going
on. This shift indicates a new perspective in the partners: The affair
happened to us. We were both involved in some way in this
unfolding, whether one partner was actively driving the other away with
negative behavior, being inactive in the relationship by not reaching out to
make things better, or if something else was going on. This shift is a
different way of saying, “something wasn’t right between us.” Often,
prior to an affair happening, the couple had tried numerous ways to make things
better but wasn’t successful. Then, one of them unconsciously upped the ante –
the affair raised the stakes. What they were trying wasn’t working so they
forced a change by committing the infidelity. In doing so, whether they knew it
or not, their relationship HAD to change then.

The third stage is all about creating a new relationship with your
‘old’ spouse. The two of you can’t go back to how things were before.
After all, that’s what lead to the infidelity in the first place. During this
third stage the sense of partnership, union, or ‘we’ is evident as the
couple discusses what needs to be different between them in order for them to
move forward together. Again, the counselor moves the couple away from
blaming the other (you need to change X) to help them jointly take
responsibility for the climate between them.

At this point, it’s also important that the relationship gets repaired
on a sexual level as well because the betrayal deeply impacted that
part of each spouse. A repaired sexual relationship is one in which each person
has asked him/herself, “What parts of my sexuality was I suppressing in my
marriage and could only experience with the ‘other’ person? How can I bring
more of my whole self into my sexual connection with my spouse?” Both partners find
the courage to express fantasies, alternate sides of personality, and
non-politically correct impulses in the marital sex. THAT takes real courage. Working
with an accepting therapist who knows that humans are complicated
beings with all sorts of deeper, shameful impulses that are okay to allow to
show up in a long-term union can help couples repair sexual
relationships and achieve this intimacy.

Although it can seem like it’s the ultimate betrayal, infidelity doesn’t have
to be a deal breaker. In fact, marriages can become stronger, leading
to new beginnings and deeper connections. Here at Couples
Therapy Center we can help.

To
learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call
908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

When The Pot Calls The Kettle Black: Dealing with Projection

March 6, 2012 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

When The Pot Calls The Kettle Black: Dealing with Projection

“You’re so passive! Why can’t you stand up for yourself?!”

“You’re over-involved with your family. Don’t you consider me!?”

“You’re too emotional! You need to be more logical.”

“You get enraged over the smallest things. You should be more accepting.”

 

 

Ever find yourself hating something about your partner? Who hasn’t? Once the initial romance wears off, we get to see many more sides of our partners – both the good and the ugly. Most people dislike some things about their partner for two reasons:

  • Our partner’s traits and actions affect us negatively.
  • We dislike in our partners the very same traits we dislike in ourselves.

The first statement probably doesn’t surprise you, but the second might be a little hard to swallow. In therapy terms, this is called ‘projection’. The idea is that it’s more palatable to see characteristics we dislike in other people than it is to see them in ourselves. It’s so much easier for the pot to call the kettle black. We tend to hate a trait in others (especially if the person is our spouse) rather than to recognize, “Oh, I do this too, sometimes.”

Let me give you an example. In this scenario, a wife tells her husband that an out of town cousin will stay at their house in a few weeks. It’s going to be on a night when the husband usually works late and she says “If you can be here that night, great.  If not, that’s okay.” Even though she says this, the husband knows it’s important to her that he be there and it’s important to him too. Although it’s not easy, the husband manages to change his work schedule. The morning before the cousin’s arrival, the wife tells him that the plans have changed and her cousin is coming a different night instead.  Right away, the husband feels anger swell up inside him. He yells, “What?!  You didn’t even ask me – you went ahead without talking to me first?! Do you know what I had to do to get coverage for that night!? Change it back!” When the wife refuses and says that he doesn’t have to be there, he moves into attack mode with, “You won’t ask her because you let others dictate your schedule. You can’t stand up for us or for yourself. You’re so passive! You’re weak!”

Why did the husband get so angry in this situation? There are several reasons. The first is totally legitimate: It’s not okay for one spouse to make unilateral decisions about things that affect both partners. It’s not that one spouse needs the other’s permission to do something; it’s just that couples should talk about things before deciding.

There are other valid reasons here, but the reason I want to focus on is this: the husband projected traits that he, himself, wrestles with onto his spouse. One clue to this was the way he labeled her behavior by calling her passive and weak. The husband got angry because, on some level, he realizes there are times he can be passive or fail to stand up for himself.  Since this is hard for him, he becomes enraged when he sees the same trait in his spouse.

How can the husband turn his anger or ‘energy’ into something productive? He can own his own passivity and develop the opposite trait: assertiveness. This is an opportunity for him to grow part of himself. Buried in this conflict is the chance to be different.

In this situation, the husband has the opportunity to be assertive by talking to his wife and cousin. He could say, “I felt hurt when you changed the plans without talking to me first. I was annoyed. I had to go through a lot to make that night available, and then you changed it. I wanted to be there. Next time, please talk to me before you decide what to do.” Instead of resenting his wife’s passivity, he can take this opportunity to grow his own assertiveness.

When you find yourself triggered by something that your partner does or says, you can take it to the next level by being curious about yourself. Ask yourself:

  • What is the trait or characteristic that’s angering or hurting me?
  • Do I struggle with that same trait sometimes?
  • What is this an opportunity for me to learn to be instead?

To find out more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com 

What Does It Mean To Love Your Spouse?

October 10, 2010 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

What Does It Mean To Love Your Spouse?In my therapy practice, I often hear married couples say, “We’ve fallen out of love” or “I’m not sure I love her/him anymore.”  These statements are made with great sadness and a clear sense of hopelessness.  The couples, who feel that the romantic love is gone from their relationships, begin to doubt the value of their marriages and question their choice of partners. This sense of doubt is strengthened by the messages society sends about our partner being our soul mate, “other half” or someone who completes us. Read More