How to Give a Meaningful Gift That Can Help You Reconnect With Your Partner

December 20, 2013 by admin in Emotions, Holidays, Relationships | Leave a comment

You’re online or in a store shopping for a present for your partner and you don’t have a clue what would make a good gift. Maybe you don’t know what he or she wants. Maybe one of you is out of work or you are feeling the recession in some other way. Maybe there’s a chill in the relationship and neither of you is feeling particularly motivated to buy a gift. Whatever the case, you want to get something and you want it to be something that your partner will appreciate.

I’ve written before on how to find the perfect gift. If you are looking to buy something for your partner you can:

Do the re-romanticizing exercise to get a list of the exact things your partner wants.
Listen closely to what your partner says when you’re out at a store, reading the paper, or out with friends.
Find out if your partner keeps a file of wish list items (on paper or stored with online retailers).
Ask your partner’s friends, or the kids, if they know what your partner wants.

But you don’t have to spend a lot of money to give your partner a meaningful gift. How about a gift that is thoughtful rather than material? Have you ever received a gift that was created by someone that reflects the relationship, history, or values that the two of you share? These can be the most precious gifts of all. In a culture marked by consumerism and disposable goods, gifts like this can be a welcome departure from buying more THINGS and spending more MONEY.

To create a meaningful gift:

Create an album of photos of the good times you’ve shared together.
Do the Flooding Exercise to shower your partner with appreciations.
If you’re artistic, draw, paint, or sculpt a symbol of your union.
If you’re musical, compose something for him/her.
If you’re poetic, personalize lyrics of an existing song and sing it (or have it sung by a professional if your singing sounds like nails on a chalkboard).
If you’re physical, give your partner an amazing massage on a date night that you’ve planned. Include massage oil and music in an uninterrupted and relaxing space.
If you’re visual, create a paper chain and write the name of a special place, a memory, or a joke the two of you share on each link.

What if there IS tension and distance between the two of you right now? Sure, it’d be emotionally easier to give a new tie or even a new car. For one, at least you got them something. Secondly, a hot new toy can serve as a distraction from what’s going on in your relationship. I want you to consider going out on a limb instead. If you create a meaningful gift, it will be as if you’re extending an olive branch or peace offering to your partner. Even if your partner has been giving you the cold shoulder or has been nitpicking at you, underneath their hard shell, he or she is likely longing to be close to you. You partner may have difficulty admitting it, but it’s likely that he or she is dying to receive your love and attention.

Imago therapists like to say, “The conflict is a cry for connection.” A meaningful gift can be a great way to help move past the conflict and connect with one another. Be the one to extend your hand to connect – even for a moment. Be the person who is brave enough to admit that, you too, want this closeness. Be the change you want to see by giving a truly meaningful gift.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Valentine’s Day and The Myth That Couples Should Always Be Close

February 26, 2013 by admin in Emotions, Family, Holidays, Relationships | Leave a comment

The common (and incorrect) assumption about relationships is that if we just find the right person, then we’ll always be close. We start in Romantic Love where we can’t get enough of each other. During this early stage of love, we are each other’s most passionate supporter and in sync sexually. Most people believe that as time goes on, if we’ve chosen the right person, we’ll learn more and more about each other, we’ll come to agree on most things, and we’ll get closer and more intimate with each passing year. The myth is that we shouldn’t argue or disagree, there should always be harmony, and that if our partner cares enough he/she will know all about us – our wishes and needs. It follows, then, that we shouldn’t need to verbalize our wishes and needs because, ‘if she/he really cared, she/he would just know’. These myths have gotten many couples in a lot of conflict.

Part of what characterizes real love is quite different from that misconception. Real love vacillates between closeness and distance, between moments of love and moments of hurt/loneliness/hopelessness. It moves from one to the other and back again the way a fan moves from side to side countless times. It’s normal for people in long-term relationships to sometimes love and sometimes hate, yes, even hate, the other. (Actually hate is closer to love than you’d expect. Hate, although it’s painful and difficult, indicates that we DO care enough to have a strong opinion. It indicates that we are invested in this person and what he/she does and thinks and feels. The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is, in fact, disinterest, not caring, and not being impacted by the other.)

Real love is a relationship in which we experience intense feelings, not lack of feelings. We are sometimes close, intimate, understanding and empathetic and other times we are angry, hurt, lonely, and distant. And of course, the other in-between feelings also exist in real love: peacefulness, contentedness, frustration, happiness, sadness – and the list goes on. Remember that feelings come and go. Relationships, on the other hand, require commitment and personal responsibility to weather the storms and last for the long-term.

What makes a good, strong relationship is the ability to move FROM distance BACK TO closeness. How do couples do that? They do it with:

a new perspective on how relationships are meant to help us grow those unfinished parts of ourselves
tools such as listening, understanding, and empathy
the support of others.

These are all the tools you’ve seen me writing about for years. You can find many of these articles on my website.

So whether this Valentine’s Day was one of the best celebrations of your love, one of the worst times between you, OR somewhere in between, know that you can expect your relationship to move from one state to another as time progresses. If things are great right now, its likely that you will have a rupture coming up and the opportunity to re-establish closeness following that. If things are crappy right now, your challenge is to learn to move closer to each other again. Recognizing that it’s a myth that couples should always be close (AND learning what IS true for long-term relationships) can help you to do what you need to do to bring back the closeness, love, and fondness you long for.

To find out more, come work with us here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Getting What You Want: How Asking the Right Way Can Help You Get It

December 4, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Most people are good at complaining and making negative comments about the things they aren’t happy with. It’s so easy to nag, pressure, nitpick and criticize. The critical comments roll off our tongues so easily; we often make them without giving them a second thought. Think about it – how many times have you voiced a complaint out of frustration? How often have you grumbled a comment at your spouse or partner like, “You’re never home?” When you stop and think about it, will that comment make your spouse want to be home more often? Most likely it will not. Asking for what you want in a different way can have dramatically different results – and just might get you the things you are hoping for.

Perhaps we don’t realize that our critical comments won’t get us what we really want. In fact, negative comments, complaints and criticisms are likely to cause arguments and drive our partners further away. How can we change the way we handle these situations so that we get the results we want?

Learn to ask for things effectively. There are three simple steps.

Identify exactly, specifically what you want. (For example, instead of focusing on the fact that your spouse is never home, think of a time you’d like him or her to be home – perhaps for dinner together on Wednesday nights.)
Keep the request brief.
Put it into words so that your spouse is much more likely to oblige. Asking kindly is far more likely to be successful than making an insistent demand would be.

You’ll find that asking for what you want in this simple and direct manner will have wonderful results. Your comments will no longer become a point of contention or cause an argument. Instead, you’ll find that when you stop criticizing and complaining and ask specifically for what you want that you will be far more likely to get it.

Many clients I’ve worked with in the past have found this to be very powerful in areas of their lives where they used to feel powerless. Now they know what they want and can verbalize it. I’ve had clients tell me they’re amazed that now that they ask for things differently from their spouses, their spouses give them much more of what they want. In fact, one of my clients wrote in a testimonial on my website: “I can’t believe it was this easy all along, I just had to ask differently!”

Of course using these three simple steps to ask for what you want is not a magic spell. There will still be times when your spouse says, “no.” Even so, your relationship will benefit. Instead of becoming an argument or cold war, you can both move on. In cases where your spouse won’t or can’t do or give the things you are asking of him/her find a healthy way to get that need met elsewhere.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center, call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com and use our online scheduler to find an appointment right now.

Relationships: Finding Harmony, Even During Hardships

November 15, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships | Leave a comment

Every once in awhile, something unprecedented happens and we suddenly find ourselves out of our normal routine and dealing with either minor inconveniences or extreme difficulties caused by circumstances beyond our control. Many of us found ourselves in just such a situation recently when Hurricane Sandy blew through.

During the aftermath of the storm, our lives were disrupted. Most of our normal activities were put on hold. Families found themselves spending hour upon hour together with no one leaving for work or school and without the distractions of lights in other rooms, TV, Internet or phone. In addition, many found themselves living with extended family and friends who don’t normally live with them as they sheltered together to help cope with the storm’s destruction.

Extended time together, along with limited or no essentials such as water, heat, and electricity magnifies the normal family dynamics. If things are good, situations like this can help you pull together even more. If things are not so good, the additional stress can bring out the difficulties that were already brewing. Family patterns arise even more intensely under this type of stress. The same is true for couples.

If couples and families were working well together, it’s likely that there was harmony doing tasks like:

getting generators running
finding alternate ways to cook and stay warm
cleaning up together
helping loved ones and neighbors and those in hardest hit communities
taking on projects
identifying who is good at which task and divvying up chores
modeling for your children resiliency, gratitude, and philanthropy
increased sex/physical closeness

If there was discord, the tension likely got worse and included:

more arguing
more disagreements (about the big stuff AND the small stuff)
emotional distance

How can we ensure that we will work together when difficulties arise and avoid breaking apart? First, we need to recognize some things that are essential in order to have harmony in marriage:

know that your partner is different from you and value his/her strengths
have gratitude that this person is your partner in life
be able to ask clearly for what you want and, if your partner can’t give it, find another healthy way to get it
take good care of yourself
view your marriage as a source of strength, companionship, and passion rather than focusing on what’s lacking
nurture the relationship by asking, “What does the relationship need?” as opposed to “What do I need from this relationship?”
allow yourself to receive the love that your partner is already giving
know that the occasional argument/hurt/anger is normal even in healthy relationships – it’s your ability to repair afterwards which makes the difference.

Experiencing hardship can strain any relationship. Learning to find harmony in these situations and in your everyday life will help you weather hardships and grow together.

Reactions: How Your Own Responses May be Adding To Your Relationship Troubles

November 7, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

When you’re upset, do you tend to pull yourself inside or express yourself outwardly? Do you clam up or rain down imaginary hail on everyone around you? Which is your ‘go to’ reaction? And, could your reactions be making things worse? What you say or do may be ADDING TO the conflict and REDUCING the passion in your relationship.

If you pull energy inward, you may…

become quiet or mumble
make your body smaller by cowering
move behind something
leave the room
appear unaffected
block out what you’re hearing
construct a protective shell

If you expand energy outward, you may…

get louder or shout
make your body larger by standing up
use big hand and arm gestures
pace or stomp around the room
have an urgent need to talk about the issue NOW
follow or chase your partner around the house to get things resolved

Whether people contain their reactions or react outwardly, it is often because INSIDE they’re upset, frustrated or any number of painful feelings such as hurt, fear, rejection, or jealousy. We often have painful feelings because one or more of our needs are going unmet.

Needs such as…

being heard and validated
being understood and empathized with
getting affection and sexual stimulation
feeling valued and important
being loved and cared for.

Now, think about it from your partner’s perspective: if your reactions are any of the above, you may, in fact, be interfering with getting your own needs met. Here are a few examples: It’s going to be extremely difficult for your partner to validate you when you’re screaming. It’s also going to be difficult for your partner to understand you if you’re not telling her/him what you’re upset about. It’s going to be difficult for your partner to reach out to be affectionate if you are stomping around the room. Likewise it’s going to be difficult for your partner to express caring if you’re blocking out what’s being said.

In other words, your reaction may be ADDING TO the conflict and REDUCING the passion in your relationship. You may be getting in your own way and preventing yourself from getting your needs met and therefore contributing to your relationship troubles! How can you avoid doing this?

Next time you feel yourself getting upset, try to step back and think. What’s upsetting you?
Is it a need you have that’s not getting met? Then take it to the next level by asking yourself: “Will my reaction help me get that need met or will it ensure the opposite – that I don’t get that need met?”

You CAN control your reaction to a large extent. If you normally react inwardly and keep a neutral expression, make sure your partner sees that you feel hurt. If you normally clam up or leave, make sure you speak up (in a non-attacking way) and let your partner know what you are feeling. If you normally react outwardly and become louder, larger or more intimidating, try to react in a less dramatic fashion, so that your partner hears you and gets your point. This will give your partner the chance to see your needs and meet them rather than pushing him/her away. Don’t let your own reactions increase the conflict and reduce the passion in your relationship. You can create a happy, loving relationship where your needs are being met.

Sex: An Expression of Many Parts of Yourself

October 26, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

If you’ve been with your partner a long time, it’s likely that your sex life is vastly different now than it used to be. Couples in long-term relationships tell me all the time that they’re having less (or no) sex, and that it’s plain vanilla – the same tried and true position, or quick and to the point because of the kids and schedules.

When I talk about ‘sex’ I’m including all types of intimate contact. This includes:

holding hands
back scratches
foot rubs
kissing
oral and anal sex
masterbation
intercourse

In other words, any interaction between consenting adults. People engage in sex for many different reasons:

adult play
stress relief
expression of power and aggression
expression of sexuality
physical relief
a ‘reset button’ (a means to repair after a conflict)
love and closeness

Sex is a form of play for adults. Think of the ways kids know instinctively how to play. They climb on the playground, have pillow fights, dress-up and role-play both tender and aggressive characters. Sex can be an adult-version of play which serves many purposes:

physical stimulation
role-play and fantasy
a chance to be aggressive
a chance to relax, laugh, and have fun.

Hearing that sex is a chance to be aggressive may surprise you. Many people, especially women, are uncomfortable with their aggressive side. By aggression during sex, I don’t mean abuse, shaming or forcing someone to do something they don’t want to. I mean a healthy expression of aggression like taking control, being on-top, and making sure to get your own needs met. Sexual play gives us the chance to explore and express this assertive and powerful side of ourselves.

On the other side is passivity and submission. Again, I’m not talking about being unwantedly intruded upon or forced to do something you’re not into. Healthy passivity is allowing yourself to lay back, to receive pleasure, to let go emotionally and physically, to be held, and to receive love. Often it’s men who are uncomfortable with this side of themselves. Many times, if men are conflicted about this side of themselves they don’t allow it to be seen elsewhere and the only time they allow it to show up is during sex when they’re in connection with someone they trust.

Other people do the opposite: they only feel comfortable acting out these conflicted sides of themselves with a total stranger or someone they know they’ll never see again. If you’ve done this, I invite you to consider sharing this side of yourself with your long-term partner. Find the courage to let your partner know about these other sides of you. It can be highly erotic to discover something new about someone you’ve been with for a long time and thought you knew fully. Take it slowly until you know it’s safe emotionally. You could begin simply by telling your partner what you’d like or showing them without words. If you’re scared, preface it with “Please don’t laugh at me, but there’s something I’ve been thinking about…” Who knows, maybe the two of you will end up laughing together to relieve the tension. Maybe it will be a big hit – the new thing! Or maybe a big flop. The expression and the exploration is the best part here.

Sex with a long-term partner can be a safe place for all different aspects of ourselves to be expressed, explored, and played with. I keep choosing words with double meanings – DO take this both ways! Just talking about sex should be fun and playful.

Using sex to express other sides of yourself in the safety of someone you trust, even if you expresses things that don’t seem to be what men and women are typically ‘supposed to’ like, is good and healthy and normal. It’s an intimacy builder and a form of adult play. And we all need more play in our lives!

In the Heat of the Moment: Keeping Your Emotions from Causing More Damage

May 29, 2012 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

You’ve just had a huge fight with your partner. You’re still fuming. Does the situation seem hopeless, insurmountable, or like there’s no way out? Does your mind immediately turIn to thoughts of separation/divorce? When you have those feelings, what do you do with them? Do you explode them out or keep them hidden?

Conflicts can seem hopeless when you are in the heat of the moment. At times, these feelings are so strong that the entire marriage seems like a mistake. You feel as if the only solution is to get out permanently by leaving or divorcing.

Even though it may seem that way during these blowups, ending the relationship is not the only option. When you can’t change your partner or leave easily, there is still one area you do have influence over: yourself. It’s time to consider how your reaction might be exacerbating things. Whether your reaction to these emotions is to show them on the outside OR to keep them bottled up, your reaction might be adding to the difficulties. Most likely, you’re so focused on what your spouse did or said wrong that you aren’t considering how you may be contributing to the problem. It takes two people to have an argument.

People behave differently when they’re emotional. Some people overreact and others underreact. An overreactor is very obvious. When something upsets them, you can usually see it their body. They might clench their fists or jaw, stomp around, point, or stand up to appear bigger. You can see their emotions in their face: anger, sadness and crying, or disappointment. They can also react by yelling, raging, cursing, using sarcasm, bemoaning, complaining, or talking non-stop. Generally, overreactors get more expressive when they’re upset.

An underreactor can be harder to see. They tend to shut down and close off from others. In fact, at times they may not even know they are feeling anything! Underreactors often do things like cross their arms, turn to some distraction like the computer, go off to bed, or just leave the room. They say very little. There’s hardly any change in their expression, yet they can have an elevated heartrate or blood pressure.

Many times, your emotion – or what looks like your lack of emotion – deeply affects your spouse and adds to the conflict. You are so closely connected to your spouse (even if you currently feel distant) that your spouse picks up on your feelings. Now, both of you are experiencing painful emotions and you are both reacting to them. For most couples, this pattern is a big problem in and of itself.

Rather than continuing to freak out OR to shut down:

Stop and think before you overreact or underreact.
Notice what you are feeling.
Think about how you could react in a way that will not cause a secondary problem.
Reach out to talk to someone who supports your marriage and will help you sort through things.

Learning to control your reactions will have a profound effect on your spouse. You’ll feel more in control of yourself the next time a dispute arises. It’s your skill in handling the difficult times in relationships that is the most crucial, and most difficult, to learn.

Here at the Couples Therapy Center, we teach people what to do with their emotions: how to identify them, how emotions are showing up in your body as tension or illness, AND how to react to them in a way that keeps your relationship intact.

To learn more about how we can help, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Light up Your Partner’s Holiday With A Gift That’s Just Right

November 29, 2011 by admin in Holidays | Leave a comment

You know it’s coming soon: an important holiday and you need to buy your partner a gift. But what to buy? You have NO IDEA. You’re wondering what it is they’d like, you’re trying to guess, and as the date gets closer, the stress is setting in. You want to get him/her just the right thing, but you don’t know what that is!

You CAN light up your partner’s holiday with a gift that’s just right. It starts with an Imago teaching that says each person has his or her unique way of seeing the world. Therefore, one person cannot claim to know how the other sees the world until the other person communicates it to him/her. What does this have to do with gift giving? More than you think! Read More

The Art of Gift Giving: The Platinum Rule

November 21, 2011 by admin in Holidays | Leave a comment

Remember hearing the Golden Rule when you were a child? It simply means treat others as you would like to be treated. It is a great standard. Well, it’s since been upgraded to the Platinum Rule. The Platinum Rule means treat others as they would like to be treated. Wow, what a difference! The best way we can treat another is the way they would like! This tenent fits so beautifully with Imago Relationship Therapy. Imago teaches that each person has his or her unique way of seeing the world. One person cannot claim to know what is true for another person until the other person communicates it to us.

What does this have to do with gift giving? A few weeks ago, someone dear to me read aloud an article listing gift ideas for your Valentine. What struck me was: how could we choose a gift for someone from a list written by someone else? Reminds me of the Golden Rule: buying gifts that, to us, sound like a great idea. Read More

Giving Thanks for Your Partner: How Appreciating the Good Can Transform Your Relationship

November 15, 2011 by admin in Giving Thanks | Leave a comment

Are you taking your partner for granted OR, even worse, focusing on what she/he isn’t doing or saying? If you wish your partner would change, and have already asked, pleaded or begged for these changes to be made, it’s time to stop. Not only will this fail to bring about the changes you desire, it will actually hurt your relationship! Instead of focusing on what is wrong in your relationship, taking time to appreciate what is right can dramatically improve the way you feel about your partner AND your relationship.

Lots of us take our partner (and our relationship) for granted. Our significant other is just ‘there’: living alongside of us and doing whatever they do. Or maybe it goes beyond taking him/her for granted. Maybe you’re locked in conflict and actively dislike your partner. You may be reading this and thinking, “Gratitude and appreciation?! For MY partner? No way! Not when she/he doesn’t _______!” Read More

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