Archives for partner

Different From Your Partner? How This Can Be A Strength Rather Than A Problem

Do you sometimes wish your partner acted, thought, or did things more like you?  Instead of being frustrated by your differences, it would be a better use of your time and energy to acknowledge your partner’s strengths and find ways they can benefit your relationship.

Everyone has areas of natural talent and areas where they are weaker.  However, our society mistakenly emphasizes that we need to excel in most areas, be “well-rounded” or – at the very least – competent at most things.  But since humans are meant to be in relationships with others, we really don’t have to be good at everything, or even good at most things.  As humans, we’ve always lived in communities.  We are interdependent: connected with and relying on one another.  Instead of trying so hard to be good at everything, we should focus on using our own strengths in conjunction with our partner’s. Read More

Yikes! Your Partner Is Angry With You: What Should You Do?

You’re making a conscious effort to be more and more mindful lately.  You’re noticing what’s going on in the present moment.  You’re paying closer attention to your partner and his/her cues.  Perhaps you are even making gentle observations about your partner’s behavior and asking him/her about it.  Being mindful can really go a long way towards changing old habits in your marriage.

But what’s next?  What do you do when your spouse is showing signs of upset on the outside AND tells you they are upset on the inside?  And what if his/her upset or anger is about you??

You may have been hoping your partner wasn’t angry with you.  Most of us want to sidestep conflict.  It’s uncomfortable.  Angry people are scary on some level. Read More

Can You Avoid Impending Arguments? How Mindfulness Can Help

You can tell there’s a storm brewing in your relationship.  Your partner looks angry – you can see it.  You know he/she is getting close to the boiling point.  What do you do?  Do you leave (or run!)?  Do you brace yourself for the fight that’s coming?  Do you attack first?

You don’t have to do any of these things.  Instead, by being mindful of what’s going on with your partner, you (and your partner) can learn to avoid arguments.

Yes – by being mindful you can help avoid fights and diffuse tension.  How?  Mindfulness can be used to help bring your attention to the situation before it escalates.

The easiest way to bring your partner’s attention to what you see is to simply comment on what you’re noticing on the outside.  You might say: Read More

Words Are Crucial: How Speaking Your Unfiltered Thoughts Could Be Impacting Your Relationship

Words have so much power.  Depending on how we use them, words have the power to inspire, to hurt, or to heal.  Notice what you say to your partner.  Are you saying words that support and inspire your spouse?  Are you using words that soothe and heal him/her?  Or are you using words that criticize or shame your partner?

We often fail to consider the impact that our words have on others because we spend so much time talking.  We think that our words don’t really matter, or won’t have much of an effect on anyone else.  The rationale is, “I talk all day.  Each thing I say doesn’t really have that much of an impact on others.”  Put that together with the fact that most people are poor listeners and it’s easy to convince ourselves that our words won’t have a very big impact on someone else’s life.  However, this is not true.  Our words DO make a difference to others. Read More

What Does It Mean To Love Your Spouse?

What Does It Mean To Love Your Spouse?In my therapy practice, I often hear married couples say, “We’ve fallen out of love” or “I’m not sure I love her/him anymore.”  These statements are made with great sadness and a clear sense of hopelessness.  The couples, who feel that the romantic love is gone from their relationships, begin to doubt the value of their marriages and question their choice of partners. This sense of doubt is strengthened by the messages society sends about our partner being our soul mate, “other half” or someone who completes us. Read More

Relationships Are SO DIFFICULT At Times: Does It Mean We Chose The Wrong Partner OR Can We Somehow Learn From All This?

At times, your marriage brings joy and fulfillment.  At other times, it can be full of frustration, conflict or boredom.  During these difficult times, you may wonder, “Is this all there is?” or “Why is this so hard?”  These thoughts or feelings can be especially discouraging when you compare this to a time earlier in your relationship when things felt wonderful.  Rest assured – there is more to marriage.  In fact, through these conflicts and difficult times you can grow to experience a hidden reward of marriage: it can help you grow into your whole self.  That’s right; one reward of your unique partnership is that it can actually help you grow as an individual. Read More

What Was THAT All About?! Why Your Partner is Freaking Out Over Nothing and What You Can Do About It

Being upsetHave you ever seen someone have a very strong reaction to something that seems minor?  From your perspective, you’re wondering what the big deal is.  Why are they getting so upset?
Of course, this happens all the time in marriage and other intimate relationships.  We see our spouse “freak out” over something small.  Often, we don’t even know what triggered their anger or upset.  When one partner witnesses the other get upset about something that seems trivial, it can be very confusing.  Many times, people in my office will tell me that their partner got very upset – and they had no idea why. Read More