Three Myths About Marriage

December 19, 2016 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Here are three of the most popular myths about marriage:

1. I’ll never feel lonely again
2. If we have good sex, we’ll have a good marriage
3. My spouse should make me happy

We assume that securing a life partner will ‘cure’ us of feeling lonely (and a host of other painful emotions). But as humans, we’re endowed with the ability to experience ALL EMOTIONS from time to time throughout our lives. It’s normal to feel painful emotions (including loneliness) from time to time, whether or not we’re partnered up.

Great sex is awesome and might imply that the rest of the ways to connect with our partner will also be good. However, good sex is very different from the skills needed for a good marriage: the ability to express and receive love in several ways, the tools to communicate effectively, and the desire and effort to resolve differences in a healthy way.

We’re sold the idea that if we choose the right spouse, he or she will complete us/fulfill what’s been missing/make us feel happy. In reality, it’s our job to get our own needs met, to find our own happiness and purpose, and to be able to meet life on life’s terms. It is not our partner’s job to fill our lives or to make us feel good.

I hope this new perspective normalizes why your own marriage hasn’t been meeting these popular myths – your marriage isn’t supposed to be! Instead, having a spouse can be a unique and wonderful intimate relationship to add to an already full and fulfilling life.

If these myths are causing issues in your marriage, we can help you to set realistic expectations for your partner. Please feel free to contact us at 908-246-3074, or email us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment.

Ways to Stop an Ex from Damaging Your Relationship: Three Guidelines for Communication

September 20, 2016 by admin in Divorce, Relationships, Remarriage | Comments Off

by Debby Deroian, Practicum Student-Therapist under the supervision of Meredith Keller LPC, ACS

Imagine: You and your partner are finally having a much needed date night. This took a month to happen due to several cancellations with work and kids’ schedules! You are in the middle of dinner when your partner’s phone rings, and as soon as you hear the dreaded ringtone you feel annoyed. Your partner answers the phone call from their ex, the anger rises in you and you know date night will be ruined. If this scenario sounds familiar, you may be (unintentionally) allowing an ex to communicate in a way that interferes with your current relationship. Over time, continued arguments and resentments over an ex can start to do damage to your relationship.

With the commonality of divorce and remarriage, subsequent marriages bring a new set of hurdles. Learning to deal with exes, especially those that may be more demanding, can be one of the biggest challenges for remarried couples. Of course, exes do need to remain part of your life when you share children, so learning to balance your relationship with your ex and your current partner can be tricky, but is very doable. How can you avoid this potential damage? Prevent an ex from being in the middle of your relationship by setting solid guidelines for communication such as…

Talk about how and when to communicate with the ex
Talk about what and what NOT to communicate with the ex
Keep the power

First, boundaries are key. Not only is it important to set boundaries around means of communication with your ex, but equally important is that both partners feel like they have a say in defining those boundaries. Let’s say your partner replies to emails or texts from their ex anytime and every time, but this interferes with your time together. You and your partner discuss how and when this type of communication will take place that you both feel okay with. Perhaps you decide together that any communication will not take place when the two of you are enjoying alone time, or when you are enjoying family time. Try to be as specific as possible in deciding how and when to communicate: such as date nights are a definite no, but if we are out running errands together you can reply. Try to respect your partner’s feelings as much as possible. While an ex certainly may not cooperate with this, your partner can implement the boundaries by continuing to let their ex know when they are unavailable and that they’ll get back to them at a more convenient time- (unless it’s a health or safety emergency with one of the kids). Eventually, the ex will learn they can’t have 24/7 access to their former partner.

Talk about appropriate communication. While you want to have an amicable relationship with your ex, there is necessary communication and there is communication that may make your partner uncomfortable. Talk openly about what each one of you feels is appropriate for the type of relationship you should have with an ex. Discuss with each other what and what NOT to communicate about. For example, it’s ok to say, “I don’t feel comfortable when your ex calls and wants to chat about his/her personal life with you.” Or, “When we have an argument, I don’t want you telling your ex about it.” Again, there may be some compromise necessary, but if you listen to (and try to understand) how your partner feels, it will go a long way in keeping your relationship healthy and strong. The goal here is making your partner feel like you and your current relationship is the priority.

Keep the power. We all know that there are some exes out there that want to try to maintain power over their former partner. They may be doing things such as purposely calling or texting when they know you might be enjoying some kid-free time or trying to maintain an inappropriate relationship. Even if this is happening, you have the power to control only your own behavior. They only have the power that you allow them to have. Remember, if you let a phone call at an inopportune time cause a fight, the only night that will be ruined is yours!

If you’re having trouble with an ex, we can help you (and your partner) set and maintain boundaries like these. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment. Doing it sooner rather than later could save you years of unnecessary hassle and make your current relationship stronger than ever.

Does Intimacy Mean Sharing Absolutely Everything?

October 12, 2015 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Comments Off

What is Intimacy? Is it tender and emotional sex each and every time? Is it sharing everything with one another? Is it constant closeness and togetherness? Popular belief says that those things make up intimacy, but that’s misleading AND unrealistic in a long-term partnership. For how could we possibly be together with our partner all the time? Quit work, neglect the kids, and abandon our responsibilities? Of course not. And sharing absolutely everything isn’t the ideal either. We know that too much familiarity dampens eroticism.

Couples therapy promotes intimacy but it certainly needs defining first. Yet, before I do that, I’m going to say more about what intimacy is NOT. Here are three pretty obvious ways to know when you are not in intimate connection with your partner. In fact, these actions are common and ineffective means of dealing with difficult emotions that sometimes arise in relationships…

1. Being preoccupied with changing something about your partner
2. Reacting in a habitual (often defensive) way to your partner
3. Exiting the partnership (doing things to get away from or avoid your partner)

Instead, intimacy is allowing your essence, your soul or spirit, to be seen by your partner. This means being open and vulnerable about what you truly think and feel but doing so without a motive or agenda. It also means allowing your true self to be present and show up fully in any situation, including during sex. You’re conscious and aware. And when your partner is available in an open and vulnerable way with you, you remain curious, non judgmental, and try to be understanding. You’re focused on what your partner is saying rather than on your thoughts about what he/she is saying. You’re in the present moment rather than focused on the past or future. This includes when difficult emotions arise.

It’s a myth that closeness occurs only when partners are feeling happy and peaceful together. Closeness can also occur when painful emotions are present and handled with vulnerability, understanding and empathy. This can be very hard to do at first, especially when one partner may be feeling hurt, sad, lonely, or rejected. Often our first instinct is to do one or more of those three behaviors I listed earlier. Remember – those behaviors hamper closeness and intimacy. Instead, sharing painful feelings in a healthy way can build a relationship and deepen intimacy.

Here are three ways to practice intimacy and closeness…
1. Ask for an Imago Dialogue (the structure to talk and listen in an open, understanding way)
2. Learn to tolerate your own painful emotions and to contain your reactions when your partner is bearing his or her soul to you
3. Learn to give and receive love in various ways (via your body, your words, and your actions).

When you view intimacy this way, you’ll have an accurate and realistic picture of what it is. All humans need closeness with at least one other person. It is my hope that you use these guidelines to get started or to deepen intimacy with the person you love most in the world.

Save Yourself From An Argument On Your Next Vacation

June 2, 2015 by admin in Family, Relationships | Comments Off

Imagine: you and your partner have planned a trip to a great summer destination. You each pack your own bags, arrive together, and unpack when you get to your room. Your bag contains: books, boardgames, movies, candles, an eye mask, massage oil, and an assortment of teas. You’ve been looking forward to lazy days lounging around indoors so you can unwind on this trip. You look over as your partner unpacks her bag and can’t believe your eyes! Her bag contains: a snorkel, flippers, sport glasses, daypack, hiking boots, cycling shoes, shorts & helmet. What?!

Now your thoughts begin to run wild: “She isn’t planning on spending any time with me this trip. She prefers doing activities to being with me. She’s here to enjoy the locale, not to enjoy MY company. How could she not know we’re here to lounge and RELAX?!?” Maybe your partner’s thoughts begin to run wild as she can see what things you’ve packed. She may be telling herself: “She isn’t planning on spending any time with me this trip. She prefers lounging around to being with me. She’s here for R&R, not to enjoy MY company. How could she not know we’re here to have fun exploring TOGETHER?!?”

What can get generated by this stuff we’re telling ourselves? Feelings! Both partners may come to feel hurt, disappointed, concerned, sad, annoyed. And if there’s any similarity between this scenario and your childhood, this situation is being exacerbated by your history of past hurts. And all this on a vacation you’ve spent effort and money to make happen!

Not verbalizing what you’re thinking BEFOREHAND, gets couples in alot of trouble. In addition to the time it takes to plan your trip, book your flight, & arrange for the house to be taken care of, add in time to talk about your expectations. Touch on…

• When we first arrive, I want to…
• During the trip, I’d like to…
• It’s not a big deal to me if we don’t get to…
• My intention for this vacation is…
• How you and I can enjoy each other’s company is…
• I imagine how much time we’ll spend with others vs. by ourselves is…

A 30 minute conversation before you leave could save you from conflict, arguing, and hurt feelings when you’re there. It will allow for more time for what you’ve traveled for: to enjoy each other, to relax and/or feel excited, and to reconnect with yourself.

Wow! My spouse can be just like my mother/father! How did that happen?

July 28, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Have you ever been going about your daily life, when suddenly something your spouse says or does is so reminiscent of what your mother or father once said or did, you can hardly believe it? It can be quite surprising – and sometimes unsettling – to see certain traits of your parents in your spouse!

The positive traits are understandable. It makes sense that we would choose to be with someone who has some of the same positive characteristics of our parents. On the other hand, the negative traits can be disturbing.

By traits, I mean certain aspects of a person’s character that define who they are most of the time, including in times of crisis. Some positive traits that you might have seen in your parents – and your spouse – are warmth, bravery, trustworthiness, gentleness, confidence, tolerance, fairness, lending support, being dependable, generous, hardworking and loving. It seems natural that we would choose to be with someone who has the same positive traits as our parents because we grew up with those things and those parts felt good.

On the other hand, when you see the negative traits of your parents reflected in your spouse it can be very upsetting. Examples of negative traits include being inflexible, fearful, sneaky, grumpy, attacking, stingy, impatient, intrusive and, at the extreme, neglectful or abusive. We may wonder, “Why didn’t I see that BEFORE we got married?” “How could I have chosen someone who says or does things my parent(s) used to do that I hated?” Or even, “How did this happen?”

Like everyone, your spouse has both positive and negative traits. Of course, many of his/her traits are quite different from your parent’s. However, in this article, we’re talking about the traits that are the same. You were unconsciously drawn to a person with the same traits as your parents because they were familiar. This is what you grew up with. This is what you know.

The contact you had (or didn’t have) with your parents was your first experience with being in a relationship. From that, you learned how people behave. You learned this on both a conscious level (meaning you know this) and an unconscious level (meaning you aren’t aware of this but it’s affecting your life anyway). Later in our lives, when we find a person with similar traits, we tend to gravitate towards them because we learned that that’s just how people behave.

It’s shocking to consider that you unconsciously chose to be with a person because they have one or more of the same negative traits you grew up with. This didn’t happen because you wanted it to, it happened because this is what you learned a relationship feels like.

A good example of this is a woman who keeps getting involved with men who are unavailable. She hates that she falls in love with men who are this way. It doesn’t make sense to her until she gains insight into herself and considers that her mother was absent. (It doesn’t matter if it’s the same sex or opposite sex parent.) Being in a relationship with someone who isn’t around or isn’t emotionally available is familiar to her. She may not like it, but it’s what she knows and what she has gravitated towards.

The good news here is that once we learn the things our unconscious is drawing us to, we can change them. We can decide with the conscious, knowing part of our brain to begin to do things differently. Changing this part of yourself may mean deliberately dating someone different next time or finally learning how to deal effectively with your spouse who has this trait.

The first step to making this change is awareness. Write down all the positive and negative traits of your parents or caregivers. Next, write down all the traits of your current or past partners and look for similarities. As a child, you just had to cope with, or survive living with, the negative traits of your parents. As an adult, you can learn to deal effectively with people who have these same traits. You don’t have to live stuck in a time warp!

If this insight intrigues you, call us. Helping clients to gain insight and do things differently is exactly what the therapists and coaches here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey do every day. We can help you make positive changes so that you can stop blindly repeating what doesn’t feel right.

Maintaining a happy, healthy long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Get a Grip: How to Keep Emotional Reactions From Hurting Your Marriage

July 7, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Events, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Your emotions have a huge impact on your marriage. Whether your reaction to these emotions is to show them on the outside OR to keep outside of your awareness, your reaction might be driving your partner away. After many times of reacting similarly, a pattern sets in. This pattern may be a big contributor to the difficulties in your marriage.

People react differently when they have an emotion inside. Some people are overreactors and some are underreactors. An overreactor is very obvious. When they’re emotionally triggered by something, they can react with their body. They might clench their fists or jaw, stomp around, point, or stand up to appear bigger. You can see their emotions in their face: anger, sadness, crying, or disappointment. They can also react with their voice by yelling, raging, cursing, using sarcasm, bemoaning, complaining, or non-stop talking.

An underreactor is trickier to see. These people tend to shut down and close off from others. They may not even know they are feeling anything. Underreactors may leave the room or the house, curl up their shoulders, go off to bed, or turn to some distraction like the computer. It might show up if they say very little, are silent, or speak quietly. Often you can hardly tell by their face that anything is going on because there’s hardly any change in their expression. Many times you can hardly tell that an underreactor is having any feeling at all because they hardly show it. They’re just as upset on the inside as an overreactor; it’s just that it isn’t evident on the outside.

Your emotion (or what looks like your lack of emotion) is deeply affecting your spouse. You are so closely connected to your spouse, even if you currently feel distant, that your spouse can pick up on your feelings. And it DOES affect us to be in the presence of someone who feels angry, sad, or disappointed. Unless your spouse can stay calm and connected to you, your spouse likely has difficulty with your emotion and your reaction to your emotion. So, when you have a painful feeling, your spouse reacts to it.

Whether your spouse is an underreactor or overreactor will determine just how your spouse reacts to your emotion. Now, the two of you are experiencing painful emotions and reacting to them. For most couples in conflict or with great distance between them, this pattern is a big problem in and of itself.

All humans have emotions. We definitely have emotions when it comes to our spouse because we are so connected to this person. Rather than continuing to freak out OR to shut down:

Stop and think before you overreact or underreact.
Notice what it is you are feeling.
Think about how you would like to react instead that will not cause a secondary problem.
Reach out to talk to someone who supports your marriage and will help you sort through things.

This skill ALONE will have a profound effect on your spouse and everyone around you. Plus it’s your duty as an adult to know how to handle yourself and your emotional reaction to what life throws your way. You’re going to continue to have feelings about life’s events. Here at the Couples Therapy Center, we teach people what to do with their emotions: how to identify them, how emotions are showing up in your body as tension or illness, AND how to react to them in a way that keeps your relationship intact! Taking these steps can go a long way to achieving a stronger, more peaceful relationship. Here, you’ll learn the skills needed to stop overreacting or underreacting. Once you learn to react appropriately to all that life throws your way, you’ll find more peace and harmony both in your life and with your spouse.

To schedule an appointment to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Containing Our Emotions: When It’s Helpful To Hold Back

June 9, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I usually write about allowing our feelings to be felt, to be talked about, and to be shown. Today, I’ve been thinking about the opposite: containing them – and how to know when to do what!
Containing our emotions means to hold back how we’re feeling from someone else. It’s what we do when we know something’s going on inside of us because we have strong emotions about something, but we choose not to let it show on the outside. We deliberately decide not to say anything. We choose to stay quiet. We limit what our face expresses by refraining from rolling our eyes or frowning. We still our body and do not shrug our shoulders, cross our arms, or tap our feet.

Why would we want to do this? We do it to create safety for another person. Let’s say your spouse comes home with a scowl on his face. You’ve known him for a long time, you’re certain he is angry about something and you hope to God it’s not you! In the past, you may have had an emotional reaction to seeing him like this. Maybe it made you curious and you went into interrogation-mode. Maybe you felt frustrated with a long-standing pattern of him scowling and it made you want to roll your eyes in a “there-he-goes-again” sort of way. Maybe you felt scared that he was angry with you and you tried to assuage him by making a joke or offering him something to eat. Maybe your fear of his look made you want to get away: go upstairs, call a friend, do something with the kids – anything! – just to avoid him.

To hold back your emotions means that you keep whatever you’re feeling from showing on the outside. In this case, the wife wouldn’t question her spouse, mock him with or without words, offer him food (or a drink!), or run away from him. Instead, she would notice (with her mind) what she feels and what she has the impulse to do. She would make a mental note of what’s going on inside of her without talking out loud. A mini-light bulb goes off inside her head: “Oh, I’m feeling ______ when he comes home like that!” Then she makes a deliberate decision to keep the feeling from showing with words, a look on her face, a move of her body, or an action she takes.

Containing our emotions from our married partner is an important tool that great relationships have. It’s a valuable tool that comes in handy in some situations, but not all. Just as a hammer is great for putting a nail in the wall but not for screwing in a screw, this is a relationship tool that works great when it’s needed.

How do we know when containment is what’s needed? Containment is needed when we want to create a space for our spouse to open up about him/herself, to work something through, or to get out what’s going on with him/her. It can work especially well when our spouse is hurting or ashamed. At those times, questioning is the last thing most people want. When you contain your feelings (because you see your spouse has a difficult feeling that needs to be worked out), you are doing something important for your partner. Rather than add your feelings to what your spouse is already going through, you keep things separate. Your emotions stay separate from his. This separation gives your spouse the space and time to experience, work though, or talk about what the scowl is about. It creates in your home and your relationship a safety for each spouse to have whatever feeling they have without having to worry about their partner’s reaction to it. It’s hard enough to feel hurt, lonely, discouraged, or hopeless without having to deal with your partner’s feelings about your feelings. It gets complicated, quick! And those kinds of complications set the stage for arguments and feeling misunderstood.

You can ask to talk about your own reactions or feelings at a later time, after your spouse has worked it through or calmed down. But, for now, respect that your spouse is allowed to have his/her feelings. Sit and listen if your partner will talk or give him/her space if that’s what he/she wants: all with the intention of making your relationship a safe place for you both to turn when you need love and comfort.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment, call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

What Does It Mean To Love Your Spouse?

April 14, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

In my therapy practice I often hear married couples say, “We’ve fallen out of love” or “I’m not sure I love her/him anymore.” These statements are made with great sadness and a clear sense of hopelessness. The couples, who feel that the romantic love is gone from their relationships, begin to doubt the value of their marriages and question their choice of partners. This sense of doubt is strengthened by the messages society sends about our partner being our soul mate, “other half” or someone who completes us.

In reality, it is normal to experience different feelings for our partners as a marriage progresses. Feelings of caring can seem to fade; at times we may dislike or even hate someone we love. Although these feelings are upsetting and confusing, they are completely normal. In order to better understand them, it helps to clarify the definition of love. In spite of the impression conveyed by Hollywood and fairytales, love is not a feeling. “Falling in love” is not love, nor is needing someone or having someone need you. Love is not sacrificing yourself, being a martyr for someone else, always doing things for others or spending money on others.

What is love, then? Love is caring deeply about another person’s growth. According to M. Scott Peck, M.D., love is “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” Love is an action you take – something that you do- to nurture yourself or someone else. When a person is treated lovingly, they feel validated and cared for. Love grows from this nurturance. People do not grow when they are criticized, blamed or shamed. They grow when they are loved.

When we think about what it means to love our spouse, it helps to consider another question. How do we love someone? We love them through our actions: doing something with the purpose of nurturing his or her growth. The action might be temporarily putting aside the things that occupy us and focusing completely on our spouse so they feel attended to. The action might be to truly listen when they speak; hear their words, look at them, and respect their view, even when it differs from your own. The action might be spending time together, whether you are doing something your spouse enjoys or something you both enjoy. The action might simply be spending quiet time together while feeling connected, such as taking a walk, cuddling, sitting on a park bench next to one another, or spending time in spiritual worship.

In couples groups and private sessions, we teach partners a new way to act with love using the Imago dialogue. During the dialogue, each partner has time to talk while the other partner simply listens. The listener then confirms what she/he heard and offers a statement of understanding. The Imago dialogue is a form of love as a willful action. Its purpose is to nurture one another by attending to them lovingly.

Loving our spouse helps him/her grow toward the best he/she can be. As they grow, they are more likely to love us back in this same way. Love is action. Ultimately, the action of loving our spouse brings growth, intimacy and joy for both partners.

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Defining Imago: What is it and how can it improve your relationship?

March 28, 2014 by admin in Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Do you ever wonder if you married the wrong person? Are you sometimes frustrated that you can’t seem to discuss anything important without it escalating into an argument? Do you wonder why your partner changed from the person you fell in love with? Do you rarely have fun and laugh together anymore? Do you feel that, except for the children, your marriage was a mistake? If you answered yes to any of these questions, know that you are not alone.

You can probably recall the beginning of your relationship when you were in love. You may have noticed the relationship “just felt right” or you may have seen your new spouse as “the only one for me.” When these initial feelings subside, as they do in all marriages, it leaves us wondering what happened. In place of the fondness, we might feel angry, lonely, hurt, or sad. People react to this tremendous change any number of ways.

Some become angry, pleading, demanding or quiet. Others spend more time doing things without their spouse because they feel better elsewhere. We may view our spouse as our adversary and words become weapons. Resentments build. Some couples consider divorce. Welcome to the Power Struggle. This is a normal stage of marriage, but it certainly doesn’t feel normal. In fact, it feels awful.

All of us want love and attention. When we received these things from our spouse early in the relationship it felt wonderful. Now we find ourselves feeling hurt and angry. In response, we do what we used to do as children to get love and attention: yell, scream, withdraw, and pout. The power struggle is a cry for connection. It occurs, in part, because we are doing what we know how to do in order to get love and attention. Ironically, doing these things gets us the opposite of what we want. Although we long for connection, we are unconsciously sabotaging ourselves from getting it.

As adults, we need to find new ways to get the love, attention, and connection we desire. Imago Relationship Therapy helps us accomplish this by teaching couples to use language as a tool of connection and by helping couples reconnect in fun and meaningful ways.

Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt created Imago out of their therapeutic work with couples and work on their own relationship. Their book, Getting The Love You Want, details this process and is a New York Times bestseller.

Imago therapy teaches couples to choose words with the intention of connecting with their spouse. “Connection,” in this case, means talking openly about ourselves with our partner and listening when they talk openly about themselves. The marriage is a safe place. It is safe because both partners seek to understand each other in an environment free of blame, shame, and criticism. We feel connected to our spouse, we have their attention, and we feel loved.

In my work with couples, I help them create a loving and connected relationship by:

Defining their ideal relationship
Getting into the habit of appreciating one another and noticing what’s going well
Choosing words with the purpose of increasing connection
Learning to truly listen to their partner and step into his/her shoes
Finding the caring and empathy they had for one another when they first got together
Making time for fun and sexual connection so spending time together is pleasurable
Approaching and resolving conflict as a team working for the benefit of the marriage.

Couples can awaken the love and closeness they used to feel for one another. As Cindy Ricardo, a wise, fellow Imago therapist wrote, “Imago: Create the relationship of your dreams.”

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Relationships Are SO DIFFICULT At Times: Does It Mean We Chose The Wrong Partner?

March 10, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Woman Looking at a Man Sitting Beside Her

At times, your marriage brings joy and fulfillment. At other times, it can be full of frustration, conflict or boredom. During these difficult times, you may wonder, “Is this all there is?” or “Why is this so hard?” These thoughts or feelings can be especially discouraging when you compare this to a time earlier in your relationship when things felt wonderful. Rest assured – there is more to marriage. In fact, through these conflicts and difficult times you can grow to experience a hidden reward of marriage: it can help you grow into your whole self. That’s right; one reward of your unique partnership is that it can actually help you grow as an individual.

The early euphoria of the relationship, and the times of conflict in marriage, are often rooted in the same thing – aspects of our true selves that were lost to us during childhood. With our partner’s help we can recognize and recapture these lost qualities, grow as individuals and strengthen our marriage. Using the principles of Imago Relationship Therapy, we will begin by briefly describing how what we learn in childhood affects our marriage.
When we are born, our spirit becomes housed in our body. And our body has four ways of expressing our spirit to others: thinking, sensing (our bodily senses), feeling, and acting (moving our body and taking action). One duty of parenting is to help children develop all four of these areas of expression. A parent does this by noticing and encouraging a child to express him/her self by thinking, sensing, feeling, and acting. Unfortunately, many parents directly or indirectly discourage their child’s expression in one or more of these areas. When this happens repeatedly, these forms of expression can become lost to us. Each of us still has the capacity to think, sense, feel, and act, however, as children we may have learned that it’s not OK to express ourselves that way. We may have only developed the parts that our parents encouraged us to.

In adulthood, we become involved in committed relationships. During the first stage, the Romantic Stage, we feel wonderful, we feel loved, and we feel loving. Some of this attraction is because the other person has access to the parts of ourselves that are lost to us (and vice versa). For example, one partner may love the fact that his wife takes action and is accomplished because his “acting” is all or partially lost to him. At the same time, the wife may love that her husband is intellectual because her “thinking” is all or partially lost to her. Men and women in the early stages of love sometimes say, “He/she completes me”. This is because when we’re with our new partner, we have access to all four ways of expressing ourselves again. It is safe to experience thinking, sensing, feeling, and acting.

During the second stage of the relationship, the Power Struggle, conflicts enter our relationship and we feel hurt. We wonder, “What happened? Things used to feel so great.” We then revert back to what we learned in childhood: only using those parts which were approved of. In addition, we disapprove of our partner for using the means of expression that have been lost to us. Since using those forms of expression resulted in disapproval when we were children, we now disapprove of others who use them. As a result, you now hate the very thing that you used to love about him/her.

A committed relationship provides you with a unique opportunity to grow into your whole self. Your partner is inviting you (unwittingly) to regain the parts of yourself that were lost to you. First, your partner notices what is lost to you. He or she often presents it in a negative way. For example, when your partner may mutter, “Why are you so ditsy?”, he is noticing that “thinking” is lost to you. Your partner can also be the one to show you how to develop it. In this example, your partner may carefully think things through. He can be a model for how you can grow this lost part. Although no one likes to have shortcomings pointed out to them, these situations are actually opportunities to grow into an individual who is effective at using all four means of expression.

You may notice that your partner has already helped you grow as an individual. You may also notice that some areas have been more challenging for you or are hot buttons in your relationship. We are trained in helping individuals identify their lost parts, overcome obstacles, and grow into wholeness. Our therapists are skilled in assisting couples as they talk this out together in order to turn conflict into a growth opportunity.

Remember, your marriage is an opportunity for you to grow into all four ways of expressing your self and to be whole again.