Does Intimacy Mean Sharing Absolutely Everything?

October 12, 2015 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Comments Off

What is Intimacy? Is it tender and emotional sex each and every time? Is it sharing everything with one another? Is it constant closeness and togetherness? Popular belief says that those things make up intimacy, but that’s misleading AND unrealistic in a long-term partnership. For how could we possibly be together with our partner all the time? Quit work, neglect the kids, and abandon our responsibilities? Of course not. And sharing absolutely everything isn’t the ideal either. We know that too much familiarity dampens eroticism.

Couples therapy promotes intimacy but it certainly needs defining first. Yet, before I do that, I’m going to say more about what intimacy is NOT. Here are three pretty obvious ways to know when you are not in intimate connection with your partner. In fact, these actions are common and ineffective means of dealing with difficult emotions that sometimes arise in relationships…

1. Being preoccupied with changing something about your partner
2. Reacting in a habitual (often defensive) way to your partner
3. Exiting the partnership (doing things to get away from or avoid your partner)

Instead, intimacy is allowing your essence, your soul or spirit, to be seen by your partner. This means being open and vulnerable about what you truly think and feel but doing so without a motive or agenda. It also means allowing your true self to be present and show up fully in any situation, including during sex. You’re conscious and aware. And when your partner is available in an open and vulnerable way with you, you remain curious, non judgmental, and try to be understanding. You’re focused on what your partner is saying rather than on your thoughts about what he/she is saying. You’re in the present moment rather than focused on the past or future. This includes when difficult emotions arise.

It’s a myth that closeness occurs only when partners are feeling happy and peaceful together. Closeness can also occur when painful emotions are present and handled with vulnerability, understanding and empathy. This can be very hard to do at first, especially when one partner may be feeling hurt, sad, lonely, or rejected. Often our first instinct is to do one or more of those three behaviors I listed earlier. Remember – those behaviors hamper closeness and intimacy. Instead, sharing painful feelings in a healthy way can build a relationship and deepen intimacy.

Here are three ways to practice intimacy and closeness…
1. Ask for an Imago Dialogue (the structure to talk and listen in an open, understanding way)
2. Learn to tolerate your own painful emotions and to contain your reactions when your partner is bearing his or her soul to you
3. Learn to give and receive love in various ways (via your body, your words, and your actions).

When you view intimacy this way, you’ll have an accurate and realistic picture of what it is. All humans need closeness with at least one other person. It is my hope that you use these guidelines to get started or to deepen intimacy with the person you love most in the world.

Hurt By Hearsay? How Therapy Rebuilds Your Sense of Safety

September 29, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Gossip – sometimes it seems we’re surrounded by it. We hear it all the time. It glares at us from nearly every grocery store headline. Have you seen so-and-so’s new haircut? What was he/she thinking? And what about those two? Can you believe they did that?!

On the surface, gossiping can seem like harmless, idle chatter. It goes on all the time – and not just on the newsstands. I’m sure we’ve all been in a situation where the conversation turned to pointing out the flaws or misfortunes of others behind their backs. But think twice before you chime in – gossiping about someone else can hurt YOU, in ways you may not even suspect. Believe it or not, gossiping about others leads to unease, insecurity, and even to deciding not to trust anyone ever again.

Initially, sharing negative information about someone else can make you feel close to the person you’re talking to. But, deep down you know that he/she has the capability to talk hurtfully about you when you’re not around. The temporary closeness you feel is not true intimacy. In fact, there’s very little closeness here. Being genuinely connected to another person involves each person sharing their feelings ABOUT THEMSELVES, not feelings they have about another person. If this is the way your family communicated when you were growing up, it’s likely you rarely had a sense of relationships being safe and trustworthy.

And don’t forget the flip side of gossip. Sadly, almost all of us have had some time in our life when WE were the one who was being talked about. Think back to how you felt: mildly embarrassed, completely betrayed, hurt, humiliated, mortified? Whether we are the one doing the talking or the one being talked about, gossip chips away at our sense of trust, safety, comfort, and security.

If you find it hard to trust that others won’t turn on you, or if you have ever been betrayed or gossiped about, it can be a huge relief to talk to a therapist who is bound by law to keep sessions confidential . For some, the experience of safety and trust they feel with their therapist is quite new. Not only are therapists bound by law to do this, we also WANT to keep what you say confidential. We want to give you the experience of feeling secure and knowing that you will not be mocked, made fun of, or talked negatively about for something you said, did, or thought.

Once you feel this genuine security that therapy can provide, you can begin to open up. Finally, there is someone you can share your inner world with. What a relief to talk about the thoughts you have rarely, if ever, verbalized! Your therapist will be there for you to share the feelings you really feel about people and situations. But this is not done with the intention of bad-mouthing someone else. Instead, it is done with the intention of learning about yourself and why that person triggers an intense reaction in you. As a result, you will learn to handle these situations better in the future.

Feeling safe to finally open up to someone again is both powerful and beautiful. It sets the stage for you to put an end to feelings of insecurity, to learn to banish toxic talk, and to learn to trust again.

Don’t you deserve to create this type of relationship for yourself again?

Maintaining a happy, healthy, long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

What Your Therapist Won’t Say: Keeping it Confidential

September 8, 2014 by admin in Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Can you keep a secret? For many people, keeping something confidential can be quite difficult. Think back – was there ever a time when someone confided in you and you had a hard time keeping it private? Or how about a time when you trusted a close friend or family member with a secret of your own, only to discover that your secret had been revealed? Having your confidences exposed in this way can be devastating. It can leave you feeling embarrassed, hurt, and betrayed. Sadly, some people make the decision not to trust anyone ever again. That decision may leave you feeling protected, but you also end up feeling isolated. Therapy offers you the chance to try trusting again. Because your confidences are protected legally and ethically, anything you discuss with your therapist will stay between you. Your secrets ARE safe here and this is very valuable and healing on many different levels.

When you begin therapy here at Couples Therapy Center of NJ you will sign a ‘Consent to Treat’ form. This simple form spells out the legal mandate regarding patient confidentiality – but in reality, it is much more. Client confidentiality is not simply an ethical and legal mandate, but it is an emotional pact you are making with your therapist. This pact has VAST healing potential in and of itself and lays the foundation of trust which your relationship with your therapist is built upon. From here, your sense of safety will grow and your healing can begin.

For some of you, this confidentiality clause marks the first time someone has agreed to keep private what you tell him/her and you know they will actually do it! This is not just because your therapist is bound ethically and legally to keep your confidences, but also because your therapist WANTS to protect your privacy. Your therapist here at Couples Therapy Center of NJ knows that you deserve to feel safe and protected. So many of us have not had that in our past.

A good therapist truly longs to help you and to give you new, positive experiences of being in relationships. Keeping your confidences is one way to do that. There ARE people in the world who are safe and trustworthy and we want to be that person for you. It’s possible that your therapist here may even be the FIRST person in your world you grow to trust and feel safe with.

The safety and trust you begin to develop with your therapist will also touch you on a deeper level. It’s not just that your therapist will keep what you tell her/him private, but that she/he will still accept you, even knowing about your deeper thoughts and feelings. If you’re like most people, you have things about yourself that you don’t like or accept. Most people feel shame or embarrassment about some aspect of their emotional world, their thoughts and fantasies, or their bodies. When we feel shame, we tend to keep those parts of ourselves hidden from the world because we’re convinced that others won’t like them either. We believe that others would reject us if they knew certain things about us.

Many times we don’t feel safe telling someone else what is going on inside of us because we fear we’ll be mocked or talked about. We may not even feel comfortable telling our spouse! Instead of letting our true self shine through, we put up a façade and show others little of our true selves. Therapy gives us a chance to share our real self, slowly, step by step.

With a therapist, one can slowly test the waters. You can tell your therapist one smaller aspect about yourself to see how the therapist reacts. When your therapist reacts with calm and understanding, you will learn that this part of you is accepted by another. It’s a huge relief to be accepted by someone who comes to know you more deeply. Now these areas of shame inside can begin to heal. The confidentiality, safety, and trust between a client/couple and therapist can start the healing process. From this beginning, couples will grow and heal until they, too, create a cocoon of safety and trust where they can share their innermost selves with one another.

Maintaining a happy, healthy long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Infidelity: How Working Through it Can STRENGTHEN a Marriage

November 25, 2013 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

We think we should be strong enough to survive alone. Regarding
marriage, we think that if we are betrayed by an unfaithful partner, we should
leave. Well-meaning friends tend to tell the spouse who was betrayed, “You
should leave the bastard!” as if that’s the right, and only, response.

But, leaving immediately is a poor solution because…

1) It oversimplifies the issue. Anyone who has experienced
infidelity (and marriage) for themselves knows the choices are not so black or
white.

2) The ability to work through conflict is actually a higher level
skill than surviving on one’s own. It takes more maturity to resolve
issues than it does to escape them.

3) It indicates that the cheating partner is solely to blame,
ignoring all the tension and distance that led up to the affair. It places all
the responsibility for the affair on the partner who was unfaithful and implies
that the other person was an innocent victim. Although the partner who was
unfaithful DID MAKE bad choices and going through a rough patch in a marriage
doesn’t excuse actually having an affair, it’s highly unlikely that the
cheating partner is 100% the source of the problem.

When both partners work through the aftermath of an affair, it can
ultimately lead to a stronger marriage. A good recovery needs several
things to happen.

First, the couple needs to find a way to discuss their feelings about
what happened. The one cheated on needs to let their spouse know how
shocked, devastated, betrayed and angry they feel. Also, the cheater needs to
talk about their feelings about the marriage leading up to the affair.

This is very hard to do. Some couples scream, shout, or let
the spouse know in some other unproductive way how they are feeling. When this
happens, the feelings don’t get talked about in a way that allows the partner
to hear and take them in. That’s why, during this first stage of shock and
intense feelings, you need the support and help of a skilled couples
counselor like those here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey. A
good couples counselor will help both partners to get out what needs to be
expressed in a productive way. They will also help the other partner
to withstand this stage of intense feelings and find a way to have empathy for
their partner. Understanding and empathy for one
another are crucial to the repair process.

In the second stage, the couple explores what led up
to the infidelity. Affairs happen for numerous reasons and do not always
indicate that things were ‘bad’ in the marriage. They will look at
what was going on in their relationship, whether it was lack of connection,
hostility, having lost touch with oneself, falling into a role they believed
they needed to be in, or an unmet longing to feel desired, wanted, and
cherished. Couples need to ask, “What was occurring between us at that time?
How did we each contribute to the state of the marriage back then? How were we
each behaving that got in our own way of getting our needs met?”

Notice a very important shift here: from ‘you’ to ‘us’. A
knowledgeable couples therapist will lead the couple in exploring, not from a
place of blame and criticism but from a wish to learn from what has happened.
This will help the couple to honestly and maturely face what was going
on. This shift indicates a new perspective in the partners: The affair
happened to us. We were both involved in some way in this
unfolding, whether one partner was actively driving the other away with
negative behavior, being inactive in the relationship by not reaching out to
make things better, or if something else was going on. This shift is a
different way of saying, “something wasn’t right between us.” Often,
prior to an affair happening, the couple had tried numerous ways to make things
better but wasn’t successful. Then, one of them unconsciously upped the ante –
the affair raised the stakes. What they were trying wasn’t working so they
forced a change by committing the infidelity. In doing so, whether they knew it
or not, their relationship HAD to change then.

The third stage is all about creating a new relationship with your
‘old’ spouse. The two of you can’t go back to how things were before.
After all, that’s what lead to the infidelity in the first place. During this
third stage the sense of partnership, union, or ‘we’ is evident as the
couple discusses what needs to be different between them in order for them to
move forward together. Again, the counselor moves the couple away from
blaming the other (you need to change X) to help them jointly take
responsibility for the climate between them.

At this point, it’s also important that the relationship gets repaired
on a sexual level as well because the betrayal deeply impacted that
part of each spouse. A repaired sexual relationship is one in which each person
has asked him/herself, “What parts of my sexuality was I suppressing in my
marriage and could only experience with the ‘other’ person? How can I bring
more of my whole self into my sexual connection with my spouse?” Both partners find
the courage to express fantasies, alternate sides of personality, and
non-politically correct impulses in the marital sex. THAT takes real courage. Working
with an accepting therapist who knows that humans are complicated
beings with all sorts of deeper, shameful impulses that are okay to allow to
show up in a long-term union can help couples repair sexual
relationships and achieve this intimacy.

Although it can seem like it’s the ultimate betrayal, infidelity doesn’t have
to be a deal breaker. In fact, marriages can become stronger, leading
to new beginnings and deeper connections. Here at Couples
Therapy Center we can help.

To
learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call
908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

It’s Mid-January and Your Resolutions Have Already Fallen To The Wayside: What Happened?

January 23, 2013 by admin in Holidays, Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

You said, “Next year I’m going to do things differently. Next year is the year I’ll finally stop doing ____ or start doing _____”. You start out with a firm resolve to make the changes last.

But will they last? Many people begin the year strong and then eventually fall back into old patterns. It’s not easy to make permanent, lasting change. But it IS possible. How?

Contrary to what you may believe, change is not simply a matter of having strong willpower. Making improvements is not only about toughing it out. Lasting change happens when you’re in a supportive relationship. You need someone to support you, to be there when you stumble, and to help you get back on track. Permanent, lasting change happens when you are in relationship with someone:

trustworthy and genuine
accepting of you as you are
who makes you feel safe when you are with them
who is there for you even when you stumble or fail, encouraging you to get back up
who is able to put aside their own “stuff” when they are supporting you
who challenges you or confronts you when that’s what you need
whose primary motive for helping you is your growth, rather than their gain

You don’t have to be in a ‘relationship’ per say. Do you know someone, including a friend or professional, who can give you this kind of support? It could be a:

spouse
mentor
friend
clergy member
coach
therapist

Here at Couples Therapy Center, we have therapists who can provide this kind of support for you so your resolutions last beyond January and become permanent changes.

We do this by truly listening to you and by seeking to understand you – without judgment. Together you and your therapist will learn WHY you think, feel and behave the way you do. As you talk about what you want to change and come to understand why, you will come to accept yourself. Over time, you will have created a healthy, supportive, caring relationship. Out of this relationship, you will grow and be able to make the changes in your life that you desire.

Remember: people mistakenly believe they can change if they have enough willpower. That’s not true. People change deeply and permanently when they’re in a caring relationship with a spouse, caregiver, friend, coach, or therapist. It is this relationship that sets the foundation for change.

To find a supportive relationship or learn how to transform your existing relationship into one that can help you bring about lasting change, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Hurt by Hearsay? How Therapy Rebuilds Your Sense of Safety

August 9, 2011 by admin in Therapist | Leave a comment

Gossip – sometimes it seems we’re surrounded by it. We hear it all the time. It glares at us from nearly every grocery store headline. Have you seen so-and-so’s new haircut? What was he/she thinking? And what about those two? Can you believe they did that?!

On the surface, gossiping can seem like harmless, idle chatter. It goes on all the time – and not just on the newsstands. I’m sure we’ve all been in a situation where the conversation turned to pointing out the flaws or misfortunes of others behind their backs. But think twice before you chime in – gossiping about someone else can hurt YOU, in ways you may not even suspect. Believe it or not, gossiping about others leads to unease, insecurity, and even to deciding not to trust anyone ever again. Read More

What Your Therapist Won’t Say: Keeping it Confidential

July 9, 2011 by admin in Therapist | Leave a comment

Archives for trust

Does Intimacy Mean Sharing Absolutely Everything?

Hurt By Hearsay? How Therapy Rebuilds Your Sense of Safety

What Your Therapist Won’t Say: Keeping it Confidential

Infidelity: How Working Through it Can STRENGTHEN a Marriage

It’s Mid-January and Your Resolutions Have Already Fallen To The Wayside: What Happened?

Hurt by Hearsay? How Therapy Rebuilds Your Sense of Safety

What Your Therapist Won’t Say: Keeping it Confidential

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Relationship Essentials by Meredith Keller MA LPC ACS

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