SERENITY NOW: Why George Costanza’s Father Had Half of it Right

September 22, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

If you’re like most of us, your partner can trigger you like no one else can – with the possible exception of your mother! Sometimes all it takes is a few words or the wrong look and your reaction is immediate and intense – you’re angry, upset, hurt and reacting with a lot of emotion.

Think of a time when your partner said or did something that triggered your emotions. Now measure your emotional intensity on a scale of 0 to 10 with the following:

0 = you feel no emotions other than calm and peaceful
5 = your emotions are moderately strong, whether it’s frustration, sadness, rejection, isolation or something else
10 = your emotions are the most intense you can feel and you act impulsively, doing and thinking things that shock even you.

What number did you get to from 0 to 10? Was your emotion instant or gradually building?

Did you find yourself reacting with words or behaviors (exploding or shutting down)? Can you feel your self get triggered with:

a rising up in your chest
tension in your jaw
moving anxiously

Can you hear yourself get triggered with:

defensiveness
blaming
shaming
criticism
slipping into silence

What would it be like to keep your cool instead? This seems easy to consider when you’re calm, but can be very difficult to actually begin doing. Although you should address whatever your spouse did or said that triggered you, the time for doing so is not when your emotions are heightened.

Here are some things that can help stop or slow down those instant reactions in the moments when you feel triggered:

take a deep breath
drink a glass of water or make yourself a hot, soothing, non-alcoholic drink
go into the bathroom to remove yourself for a minute
say a prayer
imagine yourself settling back down
Have a phrase you tell yourself silently to settle yourself down to a 1 or 2 such as
- “I can stay calm and be okay right in this moment.”
- “I could react right now but I’m choosing not to.”
- “To react right now would only do more damage.”
- “Just because my spouse is emotional (at a 5 or above), I can stay at a much lower number.”

Remember George Costanza’s father yelling, “SERENITY NOW”on Seinfeld? Mr. Costanza used a good phrase- he had the right idea- but his emotional intensity was clearly at an 8 or so. Used properly, the phrase you choose should help calm you back down to a much less intense level of emotion.

When you’ve calmed back down to a 0, 1 or 2, it’s a better time to talk about whatever triggered you. Ask your partner for a dialogue. For example, you might say, “I noticed I had a reaction yesterday to ___ and would like to talk to you about it. Is now a good time?”

Your ability to contain your feelings and reactions shows maturity. Keeping your cool is a huge factor in a healthy marriage. It will help you deal effectively and productively with hot button issues and is an essential skill all couples must learn in order to progress in couples counseling.

Maintaining a happy, healthy, long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

What Your Therapist Won’t Say: Keeping it Confidential

September 8, 2014 by admin in Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Can you keep a secret? For many people, keeping something confidential can be quite difficult. Think back – was there ever a time when someone confided in you and you had a hard time keeping it private? Or how about a time when you trusted a close friend or family member with a secret of your own, only to discover that your secret had been revealed? Having your confidences exposed in this way can be devastating. It can leave you feeling embarrassed, hurt, and betrayed. Sadly, some people make the decision not to trust anyone ever again. That decision may leave you feeling protected, but you also end up feeling isolated. Therapy offers you the chance to try trusting again. Because your confidences are protected legally and ethically, anything you discuss with your therapist will stay between you. Your secrets ARE safe here and this is very valuable and healing on many different levels.

When you begin therapy here at Couples Therapy Center of NJ you will sign a ‘Consent to Treat’ form. This simple form spells out the legal mandate regarding patient confidentiality – but in reality, it is much more. Client confidentiality is not simply an ethical and legal mandate, but it is an emotional pact you are making with your therapist. This pact has VAST healing potential in and of itself and lays the foundation of trust which your relationship with your therapist is built upon. From here, your sense of safety will grow and your healing can begin.

For some of you, this confidentiality clause marks the first time someone has agreed to keep private what you tell him/her and you know they will actually do it! This is not just because your therapist is bound ethically and legally to keep your confidences, but also because your therapist WANTS to protect your privacy. Your therapist here at Couples Therapy Center of NJ knows that you deserve to feel safe and protected. So many of us have not had that in our past.

A good therapist truly longs to help you and to give you new, positive experiences of being in relationships. Keeping your confidences is one way to do that. There ARE people in the world who are safe and trustworthy and we want to be that person for you. It’s possible that your therapist here may even be the FIRST person in your world you grow to trust and feel safe with.

The safety and trust you begin to develop with your therapist will also touch you on a deeper level. It’s not just that your therapist will keep what you tell her/him private, but that she/he will still accept you, even knowing about your deeper thoughts and feelings. If you’re like most people, you have things about yourself that you don’t like or accept. Most people feel shame or embarrassment about some aspect of their emotional world, their thoughts and fantasies, or their bodies. When we feel shame, we tend to keep those parts of ourselves hidden from the world because we’re convinced that others won’t like them either. We believe that others would reject us if they knew certain things about us.

Many times we don’t feel safe telling someone else what is going on inside of us because we fear we’ll be mocked or talked about. We may not even feel comfortable telling our spouse! Instead of letting our true self shine through, we put up a façade and show others little of our true selves. Therapy gives us a chance to share our real self, slowly, step by step.

With a therapist, one can slowly test the waters. You can tell your therapist one smaller aspect about yourself to see how the therapist reacts. When your therapist reacts with calm and understanding, you will learn that this part of you is accepted by another. It’s a huge relief to be accepted by someone who comes to know you more deeply. Now these areas of shame inside can begin to heal. The confidentiality, safety, and trust between a client/couple and therapist can start the healing process. From this beginning, couples will grow and heal until they, too, create a cocoon of safety and trust where they can share their innermost selves with one another.

Maintaining a happy, healthy long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Words Are Crucial: How Speaking Your Unfiltered Thoughts Could Be Impacting Your Relationship

August 11, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Words have so much power. Depending on how we use them, words have the power to inspire, to hurt, or to heal. Notice what you say to your partner. Are you saying words that support and inspire your spouse? Are you using words that soothe and heal him/her? Or are you using words that criticize or shame your partner?

We often fail to consider the impact that our words have on others because we spend so much time talking. We think that our words don’t really matter, or won’t have much of an effect on anyone else. The rationale is, “I talk all day. Each thing I say doesn’t really have that much of an impact on others.” Put that together with the fact that most people are poor listeners and it’s easy to convince ourselves that our words won’t have a very big impact on someone else’s life. However, this is not true. Our words DO make a difference to others.

Think back to a specific childhood memory. Try to recall an instance when you were with a teacher, a parent, a friend, a sibling, or a bully. Can you recall exactly what that person said to you? Chances are, you can. Now notice the feelings you have in connection to that incident. Do you remember feeling loved, encouraged, threatened, or demeaned? Often, we can remember exactly what someone said to us years, or even decades later, because it had an emotional impact on us. The words that person chose to speak at that time served to inspire, hurt, or heal us.

The words you use now have this same power. The people in your life can feel touched by your supportive words. They can be healed by your loving words. By the same token, they can feel demeaned or hurt by your critical words. That’s why it’s so important that you think about what you say to your partner. Which type of words do you use most with your spouse? It’s important for you to realize that the way you talk to your spouse IS impacting him/her – even if he/she tries not to let you see it. If you look carefully, you might notice a slight smile or see their body relax when you speak words of caring. Or you might see their brow crease or body tense when you speak words of judgment.

Here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey, we teach couples and individuals to be more aware of the words they use. We can show you how to choose your words with deliberation and care so that they will have a positive impact on your relationship. We want you to pick your words knowing full well that they will affect the person you love. We want to help you learn to choose the words that will bring those you love closer rather than drive them away. The words you choose have the power to inspire, to hurt or to heal. Which ones are you choosing? Call or email us. We can set up a time to chat so that you can become more aware of how your words might be impacting the most important relationship of your life. Working with us will help you learn when to filter your thoughts and when to speak your mind so that your words will help and heal your relationship, rather than harm it.

Wow! My spouse can be just like my mother/father! How did that happen?

July 28, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Have you ever been going about your daily life, when suddenly something your spouse says or does is so reminiscent of what your mother or father once said or did, you can hardly believe it? It can be quite surprising – and sometimes unsettling – to see certain traits of your parents in your spouse!

The positive traits are understandable. It makes sense that we would choose to be with someone who has some of the same positive characteristics of our parents. On the other hand, the negative traits can be disturbing.

By traits, I mean certain aspects of a person’s character that define who they are most of the time, including in times of crisis. Some positive traits that you might have seen in your parents – and your spouse – are warmth, bravery, trustworthiness, gentleness, confidence, tolerance, fairness, lending support, being dependable, generous, hardworking and loving. It seems natural that we would choose to be with someone who has the same positive traits as our parents because we grew up with those things and those parts felt good.

On the other hand, when you see the negative traits of your parents reflected in your spouse it can be very upsetting. Examples of negative traits include being inflexible, fearful, sneaky, grumpy, attacking, stingy, impatient, intrusive and, at the extreme, neglectful or abusive. We may wonder, “Why didn’t I see that BEFORE we got married?” “How could I have chosen someone who says or does things my parent(s) used to do that I hated?” Or even, “How did this happen?”

Like everyone, your spouse has both positive and negative traits. Of course, many of his/her traits are quite different from your parent’s. However, in this article, we’re talking about the traits that are the same. You were unconsciously drawn to a person with the same traits as your parents because they were familiar. This is what you grew up with. This is what you know.

The contact you had (or didn’t have) with your parents was your first experience with being in a relationship. From that, you learned how people behave. You learned this on both a conscious level (meaning you know this) and an unconscious level (meaning you aren’t aware of this but it’s affecting your life anyway). Later in our lives, when we find a person with similar traits, we tend to gravitate towards them because we learned that that’s just how people behave.

It’s shocking to consider that you unconsciously chose to be with a person because they have one or more of the same negative traits you grew up with. This didn’t happen because you wanted it to, it happened because this is what you learned a relationship feels like.

A good example of this is a woman who keeps getting involved with men who are unavailable. She hates that she falls in love with men who are this way. It doesn’t make sense to her until she gains insight into herself and considers that her mother was absent. (It doesn’t matter if it’s the same sex or opposite sex parent.) Being in a relationship with someone who isn’t around or isn’t emotionally available is familiar to her. She may not like it, but it’s what she knows and what she has gravitated towards.

The good news here is that once we learn the things our unconscious is drawing us to, we can change them. We can decide with the conscious, knowing part of our brain to begin to do things differently. Changing this part of yourself may mean deliberately dating someone different next time or finally learning how to deal effectively with your spouse who has this trait.

The first step to making this change is awareness. Write down all the positive and negative traits of your parents or caregivers. Next, write down all the traits of your current or past partners and look for similarities. As a child, you just had to cope with, or survive living with, the negative traits of your parents. As an adult, you can learn to deal effectively with people who have these same traits. You don’t have to live stuck in a time warp!

If this insight intrigues you, call us. Helping clients to gain insight and do things differently is exactly what the therapists and coaches here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey do every day. We can help you make positive changes so that you can stop blindly repeating what doesn’t feel right.

Does Your Relationship Feel Difficult? Let Us Guide You Through This Stage And On To Create an Even Better Relationship Together

July 20, 2014 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Do you sometimes wonder if you married the wrong person? Have you asked yourself: How could I have been so clueless? Why didn’t I listen to my friends (or my mother) who warned me? What was I attracted to, anyway? When the difficult stage of a relationship hits, people think they should…

change their partner (nag, beg, manipulate, demand, threaten)
stay in an unhappy marriage and get fulfillment elsewhere OR
leave.

Couples therapy offers a third option: to guide you through this difficult, but expected, stage so you grow and mature as individuals and as a couple. It’s a chance to work through these difficulties, to re-create the relationship so you’re both better at giving and receiving love and to find new and better ways to communicate.

People commonly think one was either lucky/smart and chose a ‘good partner’ or one was unlucky/stupid and chose a ‘bad partner.’ Turns out it’s way more nuanced (and unconscious) than that! The reality is that we were drawn to our spouse because they were at the same level of development we were back then. We’re supposed to not only love, but also be in conflict with this person because the conflict points to the areas we most need to work on. Oh, why aren’t we told to expect this challenging stage BEFORE walking down the aisle!

So, you’re in this difficult stage that all relationships get to – what do you do now?

Take good care of your body with exercise and enough sleep and healthy food – you’re not the greatest spouse, either, when you’re less than healthy.

Connect with a therapist (your former one or get started now) – you need support and guidance to move forward.

Make time for sex and fun as a couple – it will help you weather this difficult stage and remind you why you got together in the first place.

Become curious about your role in the relationship – how do you act out that adds to the conflict or distance between you two?

Get a new perspective – realize that the conflicts are an opportunity to learn and grow.

Refresh your communication tools – it’s likely they’ve gotten sloppy after months or years with the same person.

Get a Grip: How to Keep Emotional Reactions From Hurting Your Marriage

July 7, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Events, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Your emotions have a huge impact on your marriage. Whether your reaction to these emotions is to show them on the outside OR to keep outside of your awareness, your reaction might be driving your partner away. After many times of reacting similarly, a pattern sets in. This pattern may be a big contributor to the difficulties in your marriage.

People react differently when they have an emotion inside. Some people are overreactors and some are underreactors. An overreactor is very obvious. When they’re emotionally triggered by something, they can react with their body. They might clench their fists or jaw, stomp around, point, or stand up to appear bigger. You can see their emotions in their face: anger, sadness, crying, or disappointment. They can also react with their voice by yelling, raging, cursing, using sarcasm, bemoaning, complaining, or non-stop talking.

An underreactor is trickier to see. These people tend to shut down and close off from others. They may not even know they are feeling anything. Underreactors may leave the room or the house, curl up their shoulders, go off to bed, or turn to some distraction like the computer. It might show up if they say very little, are silent, or speak quietly. Often you can hardly tell by their face that anything is going on because there’s hardly any change in their expression. Many times you can hardly tell that an underreactor is having any feeling at all because they hardly show it. They’re just as upset on the inside as an overreactor; it’s just that it isn’t evident on the outside.

Your emotion (or what looks like your lack of emotion) is deeply affecting your spouse. You are so closely connected to your spouse, even if you currently feel distant, that your spouse can pick up on your feelings. And it DOES affect us to be in the presence of someone who feels angry, sad, or disappointed. Unless your spouse can stay calm and connected to you, your spouse likely has difficulty with your emotion and your reaction to your emotion. So, when you have a painful feeling, your spouse reacts to it.

Whether your spouse is an underreactor or overreactor will determine just how your spouse reacts to your emotion. Now, the two of you are experiencing painful emotions and reacting to them. For most couples in conflict or with great distance between them, this pattern is a big problem in and of itself.

All humans have emotions. We definitely have emotions when it comes to our spouse because we are so connected to this person. Rather than continuing to freak out OR to shut down:

Stop and think before you overreact or underreact.
Notice what it is you are feeling.
Think about how you would like to react instead that will not cause a secondary problem.
Reach out to talk to someone who supports your marriage and will help you sort through things.

This skill ALONE will have a profound effect on your spouse and everyone around you. Plus it’s your duty as an adult to know how to handle yourself and your emotional reaction to what life throws your way. You’re going to continue to have feelings about life’s events. Here at the Couples Therapy Center, we teach people what to do with their emotions: how to identify them, how emotions are showing up in your body as tension or illness, AND how to react to them in a way that keeps your relationship intact! Taking these steps can go a long way to achieving a stronger, more peaceful relationship. Here, you’ll learn the skills needed to stop overreacting or underreacting. Once you learn to react appropriately to all that life throws your way, you’ll find more peace and harmony both in your life and with your spouse.

To schedule an appointment to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

The FIRST Step in Getting What You Want

June 30, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Events, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

When I first talk to clients about how to set goals I am always met with strange looks and disbelief. The conversation usually begins with people telling me what’s not going well in their lives, what’s difficult for them, or what they have too much or too little of. I always ask them, “What do you want instead?” Often, just naming what they do want is a stretch for people.

I ask them to describe to me, being specific and using plenty of detail, what they want. I hear things like, “I want to trust my spouse again.” “ I want to land a great job.” And “I want my kids to listen to me.” We then take these statements and make them a lot more specific.

For example, “I want to trust my spouse again” becomes “I want to feel calm and loved when my spouse is talking to or texting someone I don’t know.” “I want to land a great job” becomes “I want to be offered a job in my career with a great salary and benefits in a city I want to be in doing what I love to do.” “I want my kids to listen to me” becomes “I want my kids to hear my directions and calmly, directly follow through with what I just asked.”

Now come the strange looks and disbelief: I instruct clients to put that same statement in the present tense. Say it and write it as if it’s happening NOW – even if it isn’t. Why is this important? Because what we tell ourselves unfolds in our lives. So, if your goals are stated in the future tense, they will remain in the future. You will always be striving or longing for them. Those goals now become “I DO feel calm and loved when my spouse is talking or texting someone I don’t know. “I AM offered a job in my career with a great salary and benefits in a city I want to be in doing what I love to do.” “My kids HEAR my directions and they calmly, directly follow through with what I just asked.”

Go ahead and write your own goals down. They can be about any area of your life. Make them specific, positive, and in the PRESENT (as if they are already happening). It may feel awkward because you’re writing things that haven’t happened yet. My response to that is that it’s okay to feel awkward. There’s no harm in doing it anyway. Then, put the goals away someplace special. You can choose to read them again if you wish, but you don’t have to: the power of goal setting is that you have first created in your mind what you long for in your world. Everything we do and have was first created in our mind. This exercise does that for you.

Goal setting in this way is EXTREMELY POWERFUL, even though it appears benign and inconsequential. Write your own goals down today. Then, be patient and watchful for clues and you’ll see them unfolding in your life!

Of course you will still take action on these goals: many small steps taken one at a time. But you’ve done the most basic and important piece first by setting out for yourself exactly where you’re headed! When you know where you’re headed, you are SO much more likely to get there.

To learn more or schedule an appointment call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Don’t Let a Lack of Fun Lead to an Infidelity

June 23, 2014 by admin in Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Has your relationship been going just fine, but every so often you realize the two of you don’t have much fun together anymore? This might seem like no big deal, but be warned: this can set the stage for infidelity.

As life and responsibilities get in the way, many couples inadvertently put their relationship on the back burner. While you may be managing the other aspects of your life pretty well, it’s all too easy to lose sight of the love, fun and laughter you once shared. But without fun and shared laughter, your relationship can weaken. The years can pass by like this almost without realizing it. If then, your spouse (or you!) happen(s) to meet someone else, that longing for stimulating conversation, playful banter, and sexual eroticism can be activated and can lead to an affair. Many affairs happen because the opportunity presented itself at a time when the primary relationship was weakened, but not in crisis yet. Don’t let this happen to the two of you. Don’t lose sight of just how vital fun and laughter are to the health of your relationship.

So, how do you bring fun back into your relationship? How can you strengthen and deepen your connection with joy and shared laughter? A good place to start is to think back to your early romance. What did you used to enjoy doing as a couple when you first got together?

Think about the fun activities you once shared.

Did the two of you participate in or attend sporting events together?
Do you share a love of music – either playing or listening together?
Did you have fun traveling together, either to far-off places or to places closer to home?
Did you enjoy eating out together, either at a favorite spot, or trying new restaurants and cuisines?
Did you enjoy picnicking in a romantic spot or perhaps even cooking together to create a delicious meal?
Did you enjoy working on projects together for a shared sense of accomplishment?
Did you enjoy spending active time together outdoors or relaxing together indoors playing cards or board games?

Make it a point to spend time together, just the two of you, doing some of the things that initially brought you a sense of partnership and pleasure in your early romance. Or, do something new together. This can help you rediscover just how much fun your partner can be. Sharing laugher, reminiscing and making new memories can help keep your marriage strong and is just plain FUN.

To learn more, visit us atwww.couplestherapycenterofnj.com, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

What Makes Your Therapist Tick?

June 16, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

When people learn that I’m a therapist, they often ask me how I can spend all day listening to other people’s problems. Many people imagine that my job is very difficult and draining. For some people it might be, but it’s not that way for me. I do this job because I love it. I was drawn to doing this type of work and it’s perfect for me. Why?

Because I notice people and their relationships. I can feel what they’re feeling. I can feel their painful feelings and I know how to help them feel better. I may be in a restaurant and notice a couple at another table who haven’t said more than two words to each other the whole meal. I can see the discouragement and disconnection on their faces. The passion and excitement is gone and I feel for them.

I notice how couples talk to one another. I recognize the small jabs they take at each other as criticisms disguised as jokes . I can feel how much it hurts them to be criticized by their partners and have to be ‘on guard’ in front of them. I also hear some couples’ constant bickering. It’s almost as if their only way to communicate is to argue or debate over every little thing. There’s a tension that goes along with always debating with someone. People who are always challenged don’t feel free to say what they’re really thinking for fear that their partner will take issue with it.

People tell me about their compelling need to check up on their spouse: reading their texts or emails and looking at their call log for evidence that their love is elsewhere. It is so unsettling not to be able to trust your spouse, who is the person you love most in the world and who is supposed to love you back.

I also see couples who spend most of their free time apart. Their interests lie outside of their marriage to the point that they hardly do anything fun and enjoyable together as a couple. I feel the loneliness and distance they feel in their marriage.

And then there’s divorce. Divorce is so painful. There is so much loss. There is the loss of the life you built together, the loss of the dreams you shared for your future, the loss of the person you once were deeply in love with, the loss of friends and the loss of your partner’s family. There is the financial setback as well, which includes the astronomical cost of the divorce proceedings and the cost of running a household with no other adult. There is the impact on the kids to consider. Divorce can feel devastating for children who long for their parents to be together or who feel caught in the middle of warring parents. Kids can feel uncertain and anxious after their world has been turned upside down. Kids feel the grief and sadness of their family breaking apart. Many people think things are going to be better once they divorce. In reality, it can take years to recover and feel okay again.

If you see yourself in what I’ve described, I want you to know that I feel what you feel. I can help you. I know that it doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to continue to feel these things. I know how to help with these problems. In fact, I love helping people with these problems and knowing that I’ve been part of their recovery process!

I give you the understanding and empathy you have been longing for. I give you the information that you need about how to deal with your difficult feelings and how to be a better spouse. We talk about what you want in your life and how you can take steps to get it. To finally get it! My work is so rewarding in this way. That’s why I do what I do. And it’s not just me. Here at the Couples Therapy Center, I have very carefully selected therapists who are similar to me in their ability to be understanding, empathetic, to feel what others feel, to have the same outlook on clients and know how to help them as I do.

To schedule an appointment call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Containing Our Emotions: When It’s Helpful To Hold Back

June 9, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I usually write about allowing our feelings to be felt, to be talked about, and to be shown. Today, I’ve been thinking about the opposite: containing them – and how to know when to do what!
Containing our emotions means to hold back how we’re feeling from someone else. It’s what we do when we know something’s going on inside of us because we have strong emotions about something, but we choose not to let it show on the outside. We deliberately decide not to say anything. We choose to stay quiet. We limit what our face expresses by refraining from rolling our eyes or frowning. We still our body and do not shrug our shoulders, cross our arms, or tap our feet.

Why would we want to do this? We do it to create safety for another person. Let’s say your spouse comes home with a scowl on his face. You’ve known him for a long time, you’re certain he is angry about something and you hope to God it’s not you! In the past, you may have had an emotional reaction to seeing him like this. Maybe it made you curious and you went into interrogation-mode. Maybe you felt frustrated with a long-standing pattern of him scowling and it made you want to roll your eyes in a “there-he-goes-again” sort of way. Maybe you felt scared that he was angry with you and you tried to assuage him by making a joke or offering him something to eat. Maybe your fear of his look made you want to get away: go upstairs, call a friend, do something with the kids – anything! – just to avoid him.

To hold back your emotions means that you keep whatever you’re feeling from showing on the outside. In this case, the wife wouldn’t question her spouse, mock him with or without words, offer him food (or a drink!), or run away from him. Instead, she would notice (with her mind) what she feels and what she has the impulse to do. She would make a mental note of what’s going on inside of her without talking out loud. A mini-light bulb goes off inside her head: “Oh, I’m feeling ______ when he comes home like that!” Then she makes a deliberate decision to keep the feeling from showing with words, a look on her face, a move of her body, or an action she takes.

Containing our emotions from our married partner is an important tool that great relationships have. It’s a valuable tool that comes in handy in some situations, but not all. Just as a hammer is great for putting a nail in the wall but not for screwing in a screw, this is a relationship tool that works great when it’s needed.

How do we know when containment is what’s needed? Containment is needed when we want to create a space for our spouse to open up about him/herself, to work something through, or to get out what’s going on with him/her. It can work especially well when our spouse is hurting or ashamed. At those times, questioning is the last thing most people want. When you contain your feelings (because you see your spouse has a difficult feeling that needs to be worked out), you are doing something important for your partner. Rather than add your feelings to what your spouse is already going through, you keep things separate. Your emotions stay separate from his. This separation gives your spouse the space and time to experience, work though, or talk about what the scowl is about. It creates in your home and your relationship a safety for each spouse to have whatever feeling they have without having to worry about their partner’s reaction to it. It’s hard enough to feel hurt, lonely, discouraged, or hopeless without having to deal with your partner’s feelings about your feelings. It gets complicated, quick! And those kinds of complications set the stage for arguments and feeling misunderstood.

You can ask to talk about your own reactions or feelings at a later time, after your spouse has worked it through or calmed down. But, for now, respect that your spouse is allowed to have his/her feelings. Sit and listen if your partner will talk or give him/her space if that’s what he/she wants: all with the intention of making your relationship a safe place for you both to turn when you need love and comfort.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment, call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

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