Relationships: Finding Harmony, Even During Hardships

November 15, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships | Leave a comment

Every once in awhile, something unprecedented happens and we suddenly find ourselves out of our normal routine and dealing with either minor inconveniences or extreme difficulties caused by circumstances beyond our control. Many of us found ourselves in just such a situation recently when Hurricane Sandy blew through.

During the aftermath of the storm, our lives were disrupted. Most of our normal activities were put on hold. Families found themselves spending hour upon hour together with no one leaving for work or school and without the distractions of lights in other rooms, TV, Internet or phone. In addition, many found themselves living with extended family and friends who don’t normally live with them as they sheltered together to help cope with the storm’s destruction.

Extended time together, along with limited or no essentials such as water, heat, and electricity magnifies the normal family dynamics. If things are good, situations like this can help you pull together even more. If things are not so good, the additional stress can bring out the difficulties that were already brewing. Family patterns arise even more intensely under this type of stress. The same is true for couples.

If couples and families were working well together, it’s likely that there was harmony doing tasks like:

getting generators running
finding alternate ways to cook and stay warm
cleaning up together
helping loved ones and neighbors and those in hardest hit communities
taking on projects
identifying who is good at which task and divvying up chores
modeling for your children resiliency, gratitude, and philanthropy
increased sex/physical closeness

If there was discord, the tension likely got worse and included:

more arguing
more disagreements (about the big stuff AND the small stuff)
emotional distance

How can we ensure that we will work together when difficulties arise and avoid breaking apart? First, we need to recognize some things that are essential in order to have harmony in marriage:

know that your partner is different from you and value his/her strengths
have gratitude that this person is your partner in life
be able to ask clearly for what you want and, if your partner can’t give it, find another healthy way to get it
take good care of yourself
view your marriage as a source of strength, companionship, and passion rather than focusing on what’s lacking
nurture the relationship by asking, “What does the relationship need?” as opposed to “What do I need from this relationship?”
allow yourself to receive the love that your partner is already giving
know that the occasional argument/hurt/anger is normal even in healthy relationships – it’s your ability to repair afterwards which makes the difference.

Experiencing hardship can strain any relationship. Learning to find harmony in these situations and in your everyday life will help you weather hardships and grow together.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center, call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com and use our online scheduler.

Reactions: How Your Own Responses May be Adding To Your Relationship Troubles

November 7, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

When you’re upset, do you tend to pull yourself inside or express yourself outwardly? Do you clam up or rain down imaginary hail on everyone around you? Which is your ‘go to’ reaction? And, could your reactions be making things worse? What you say or do may be ADDING TO the conflict and REDUCING the passion in your relationship.

If you pull energy inward, you may…

become quiet or mumble
make your body smaller by cowering
move behind something
leave the room
appear unaffected
block out what you’re hearing
construct a protective shell

If you expand energy outward, you may…

get louder or shout
make your body larger by standing up
use big hand and arm gestures
pace or stomp around the room
have an urgent need to talk about the issue NOW
follow or chase your partner around the house to get things resolved

Whether people contain their reactions or react outwardly, it is often because INSIDE they’re upset, frustrated or any number of painful feelings such as hurt, fear, rejection, or jealousy. We often have painful feelings because one or more of our needs are going unmet.

Needs such as…

being heard and validated
being understood and empathized with
getting affection and sexual stimulation
feeling valued and important
being loved and cared for.

Now, think about it from your partner’s perspective: if your reactions are any of the above, you may, in fact, be interfering with getting your own needs met. Here are a few examples: It’s going to be extremely difficult for your partner to validate you when you’re screaming. It’s also going to be difficult for your partner to understand you if you’re not telling her/him what you’re upset about. It’s going to be difficult for your partner to reach out to be affectionate if you are stomping around the room. Likewise it’s going to be difficult for your partner to express caring if you’re blocking out what’s being said.

In other words, your reaction may be ADDING TO the conflict and REDUCING the passion in your relationship. You may be getting in your own way and preventing yourself from getting your needs met and therefore contributing to your relationship troubles! How can you avoid doing this?

Next time you feel yourself getting upset, try to step back and think. What’s upsetting you?
Is it a need you have that’s not getting met? Then take it to the next level by asking yourself: “Will my reaction help me get that need met or will it ensure the opposite – that I don’t get that need met?”

You CAN control your reaction to a large extent. If you normally react inwardly and keep a neutral expression, make sure your partner sees that you feel hurt. If you normally clam up or leave, make sure you speak up (in a non-attacking way) and let your partner know what you are feeling. If you normally react outwardly and become louder, larger or more intimidating, try to react in a less dramatic fashion, so that your partner hears you and gets your point. This will give your partner the chance to see your needs and meet them rather than pushing him/her away. Don’t let your own reactions increase the conflict and reduce the passion in your relationship. You can create a happy, loving relationship where your needs are being met.

Sex: An Expression of Many Parts of Yourself

October 26, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

If you’ve been with your partner a long time, it’s likely that your sex life is vastly different now than it used to be. Couples in long-term relationships tell me all the time that they’re having less (or no) sex, and that it’s plain vanilla – the same tried and true position, or quick and to the point because of the kids and schedules.

When I talk about ‘sex’ I’m including all types of intimate contact. This includes:

holding hands
back scratches
foot rubs
kissing
oral and anal sex
masterbation
intercourse

In other words, any interaction between consenting adults. People engage in sex for many different reasons:

adult play
stress relief
expression of power and aggression
expression of sexuality
physical relief
a ‘reset button’ (a means to repair after a conflict)
love and closeness

Sex is a form of play for adults. Think of the ways kids know instinctively how to play. They climb on the playground, have pillow fights, dress-up and role-play both tender and aggressive characters. Sex can be an adult-version of play which serves many purposes:

physical stimulation
role-play and fantasy
a chance to be aggressive
a chance to relax, laugh, and have fun.

Hearing that sex is a chance to be aggressive may surprise you. Many people, especially women, are uncomfortable with their aggressive side. By aggression during sex, I don’t mean abuse, shaming or forcing someone to do something they don’t want to. I mean a healthy expression of aggression like taking control, being on-top, and making sure to get your own needs met. Sexual play gives us the chance to explore and express this assertive and powerful side of ourselves.

On the other side is passivity and submission. Again, I’m not talking about being unwantedly intruded upon or forced to do something you’re not into. Healthy passivity is allowing yourself to lay back, to receive pleasure, to let go emotionally and physically, to be held, and to receive love. Often it’s men who are uncomfortable with this side of themselves. Many times, if men are conflicted about this side of themselves they don’t allow it to be seen elsewhere and the only time they allow it to show up is during sex when they’re in connection with someone they trust.

Other people do the opposite: they only feel comfortable acting out these conflicted sides of themselves with a total stranger or someone they know they’ll never see again. If you’ve done this, I invite you to consider sharing this side of yourself with your long-term partner. Find the courage to let your partner know about these other sides of you. It can be highly erotic to discover something new about someone you’ve been with for a long time and thought you knew fully. Take it slowly until you know it’s safe emotionally. You could begin simply by telling your partner what you’d like or showing them without words. If you’re scared, preface it with “Please don’t laugh at me, but there’s something I’ve been thinking about…” Who knows, maybe the two of you will end up laughing together to relieve the tension. Maybe it will be a big hit – the new thing! Or maybe a big flop. The expression and the exploration is the best part here.

Sex with a long-term partner can be a safe place for all different aspects of ourselves to be expressed, explored, and played with. I keep choosing words with double meanings – DO take this both ways! Just talking about sex should be fun and playful.

Using sex to express other sides of yourself in the safety of someone you trust, even if you expresses things that don’t seem to be what men and women are typically ‘supposed to’ like, is good and healthy and normal. It’s an intimacy builder and a form of adult play. And we all need more play in our lives!

Improving Your Communication In 5 Simple Steps

July 10, 2012 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

Do you find that many of your conversations quickly change direction?
Do you start out talking about one thing, and before you know it you are talking about something completely different?
Do your conversations tend to become emotional instead of logical?
Do you often end up feeling frustrated because you didn’t get what you wanted out of the exchange?

This is normal. It’s not out of the ordinary for conversations to take sudden turns. It’s also not unusual for emotions to get involved without warning. Many times we begin a conversation thinking one thing and come away thinking another. And most of us have also come out of a conversation to find that we have committed to something we didn’t really want to do.

Conversations don’t have to be a mystery. They don’t have to end with you feeling unhappy, dissatisfied or frustrated with the outcome. You can increase your likelihood of getting what you want and need out of an exchange with these five simple, yet powerful tips.

That’s right, just five things! These simple steps can help you communicate more effectively. They will help keep your discussions on track, allow you to take into account what’s NOT being said, become more aware of yourself, and become more aware of the other person.

1. Define your goal/intention.

Do you want to:

persuade?
build trust and safety?
ask for something you want?
gain information?

Be clear on what you’re hoping to accomplish without being rigid. When conversations start to veer, stay on task by saying, “That’s a different subject. Let’s get back to…”

2. Notice non-verbal cues.

Much of our communication happens without words. Non-verbal signals account for 65% of what we communicate to others, tone of voice accounts for 30% and the words we speak, only 5%. Look for non-verbal evidence of annoyance or guardedness. Does the person you are speaking to have arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed, mouth frowning, or poor eye contact? Is there evidence of the opposite? Does the person have a soft, neutral face, open stance turned toward you or a smile?

3. Truly Listen.

Give the person who is speaking your undivided attention. In order to truly listen you must remain quiet, look at the speaker, and take in what they’re trying to say. You should NOT be multi-tasking or trying to formulate your next sentence. You will find that when you really listen, people will tell you about who they are as a person and how to connect with them.

4. Pay Attention to your Tone of Voice.

Become more aware of your own tone of voice and that of the person you are speaking with. If the person trails off at the end of the sentence, talks in a pressured, hurried way, or speaks very softly, he/she may be feeling unimportant. Is the tone of voice communicating unspoken anger? Is the tone of voice communicating caring and concern? Pay attention and it will give you a clue to how the other person is feeling.

5. Think Before You Speak.

Many, many people have gotten into BIG trouble by saying the first thing that came to mind. Slow down, especially if you’re nervous, tense or angry. Pause. Think first about what you really want to communicate before putting it into words.

Being aware of these five simple tips can make a huge difference in your conversations. But doing these five things on a regular basis takes insight and practice. We can help you with this. In fact, Couples Therapy Center has always taught clients to be more effective communicators because that enhances all relationships.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

In the Heat of the Moment: Keeping Your Emotions from Causing More Damage

May 29, 2012 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

You’ve just had a huge fight with your partner. You’re still fuming. Does the situation seem hopeless, insurmountable, or like there’s no way out? Does your mind immediately turIn to thoughts of separation/divorce? When you have those feelings, what do you do with them? Do you explode them out or keep them hidden?

Conflicts can seem hopeless when you are in the heat of the moment. At times, these feelings are so strong that the entire marriage seems like a mistake. You feel as if the only solution is to get out permanently by leaving or divorcing.

Even though it may seem that way during these blowups, ending the relationship is not the only option. When you can’t change your partner or leave easily, there is still one area you do have influence over: yourself. It’s time to consider how your reaction might be exacerbating things. Whether your reaction to these emotions is to show them on the outside OR to keep them bottled up, your reaction might be adding to the difficulties. Most likely, you’re so focused on what your spouse did or said wrong that you aren’t considering how you may be contributing to the problem. It takes two people to have an argument.

People behave differently when they’re emotional. Some people overreact and others underreact. An overreactor is very obvious. When something upsets them, you can usually see it their body. They might clench their fists or jaw, stomp around, point, or stand up to appear bigger. You can see their emotions in their face: anger, sadness and crying, or disappointment. They can also react by yelling, raging, cursing, using sarcasm, bemoaning, complaining, or talking non-stop. Generally, overreactors get more expressive when they’re upset.

An underreactor can be harder to see. They tend to shut down and close off from others. In fact, at times they may not even know they are feeling anything! Underreactors often do things like cross their arms, turn to some distraction like the computer, go off to bed, or just leave the room. They say very little. There’s hardly any change in their expression, yet they can have an elevated heartrate or blood pressure.

Many times, your emotion – or what looks like your lack of emotion – deeply affects your spouse and adds to the conflict. You are so closely connected to your spouse (even if you currently feel distant) that your spouse picks up on your feelings. Now, both of you are experiencing painful emotions and you are both reacting to them. For most couples, this pattern is a big problem in and of itself.

Rather than continuing to freak out OR to shut down:

Stop and think before you overreact or underreact.
Notice what you are feeling.
Think about how you could react in a way that will not cause a secondary problem.
Reach out to talk to someone who supports your marriage and will help you sort through things.

Learning to control your reactions will have a profound effect on your spouse. You’ll feel more in control of yourself the next time a dispute arises. It’s your skill in handling the difficult times in relationships that is the most crucial, and most difficult, to learn.

Here at the Couples Therapy Center, we teach people what to do with their emotions: how to identify them, how emotions are showing up in your body as tension or illness, AND how to react to them in a way that keeps your relationship intact.

To learn more about how we can help, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Health and Marriage: How Caring For Your Body Can Enhance Your Relationship

May 15, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Do you find that you are often sleepy, exhausted, or just plain out of energy? Do you feel insecure about your body and uncomfortable about being naked in front of your partner? Do you wish that you and your partner shared an activity that would help you both improve your health AND give you a chance to talk and connect?

Your body needs care. This is a fact that you cannot ignore. People who do not care for their bodies properly often end up with illness, injury, or their body breaking down. We often put the things we “should” do to keep our bodies healthy last on our list of priorities. After all, there are only so many hours in a day and we have many other important things to tend to. But, for the sake of your health AND your relationship, it’s essential that you don’t ignore your body

Getting the exercise you need to stay healthy doesn’t have to feel like blood, sweat and tears. It doesn’t mean you have to lift weights in a sweaty gym or run your heart rate up so high that you feel like your heart is going to burst out of your chest – unless you like that – and there are people who do!

My guess is that all people who exercise long-term do so not just for the health benefits, but also because they enjoy it. That’s the key to making your workout a permanent part of your lifestyle: finding some way to move your body that you enjoy. What would make working out more fun for you? Here are a few ideas:

Take a class to improve your skills or learn something new.
Is there a sport you like? Check out your recreation department or YMCA for adult teams/leagues.
Hire a personal trainer to work out with you both, together. (This can be a great source of shared laughter!)
Find a way to work out with your spouse. Reminisce about ways you used to exercise together when you first fell in love and find ways to do them again.
Think back to which healthy activities you loved to do as a kid and incorporate them into your routine.
If there’s a sport your kids compete in, look for ways you can get more involved.
Remember that sex is a form of exercise. Are you having the type and frequency of sex you most enjoy or is there a need to communicate with your partner to make it better?

When trying something new or just beginning a workout routine, start small. You want these healthy changes to last, so that they become an enjoyable part of your life, rather than a burden.

Being healthy can have many positive effects on your relationship such as:

feeling better about being naked together
being more sexually responsive
feeling more energetic and adventurous
spending time together playing, having fun, and talking
reduced medical expenses which leads to more money for saving and playing.

You’ll improve your health AND your relationship. Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help you discover new ways to get healthy together. We have resources for area fitness centers, physical trainers, nutrition experts, and medical weight loss centers. And, as always, we can help you improve your connection with one another as you incorporate this new activity into your lives.

To learn more about how we can help, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Summer’s Coming: What Are You Going To Do With Your Kids??

April 27, 2012 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

The weather is warming up quickly. Summer camp registration is well underway. Before you know it, the pool will be open and it will be time for the beach, picnics and barbeques. It won’t be long before your kids come home from school shouting, “School’s out for summer!!”

Do those words bring you a feeling of excitement and happy anticipation as thoughts of summer stretch out before you? Or do they bring you a feeling of dread?

For many of us, knowing that we’ll have to help our young children and teens occupy the long days of summer can be daunting. It can be a source of worry, stress and tension. For the next two months, you will be expected to play the role of events coordinator to your children – who seem to feel entitled to fabulous vacations, extravagant daytrips, specialty camps, and movies – all arranged for and paid for by you! Maybe you have a teen who needs to get a summer job and is dragging his/her feet. Perhaps you dread the expected and all-too-common refrains of, “I’m bored. There’s nothing to do. I don’t want to go outside.” Then again, maybe it’s the inevitable bickering between siblings who are together all day that makes you cringe.

In addition to these unpleasant prospects, you’d like it if your children’s brains didn’t turn to mush over the 10 weeks of summer vacation. How do you get them to read or practice some type of academics? On top of that, you still have your own responsibilities. How are you going to get your own work done?! Is it possible for you to enjoy the summer with the kids home from school?

You CAN enjoy the summer with your kids. It does take a healthy dose of planning and patience. Try some of these ideas:

Invite your kids to try a hobby or sport that you enjoy, like golf or cycling. Pick something that you can do together. That way you’ll be having fun alongside your kids.
Make time for yourself to get things done AND to relax and recharge. Schedule dinner or drinks with friends, or perhaps a weekend away, to ensure you have time for both work and play.
Structure your days at home with the kids. Set a routine so that you spend mornings reading together on the couch, make time to go to the pool after lunch every day, or take a regular evening walk after dinner. The school year/day is highly structured and that works well for kids. Make sure you implement some structure into your summer too. That way the kids will know what to expect and will relax into the routine.
Hire help. Take advantage of neighborhood teens who are looking for extra income and have more time over the summer. You can hire them at a moderate cost to provide temporary or long term childcare or household help.
Involve your kids in planning larger trips. Research vacations, day trips or activities that are within your budget and then have each child choose one or more of their favorites and put it on the calendar. Knowing that some bigger fun is planned can help kids get through the days at home.
Check community resources. Many communities provide fun options that can be entertaining and economical when money is a concern. Do you have a town pool? Does the recreation department offer summer camp? Perhaps your library has free programs for children. How about the local churches? You can enrich your child’s religious education by enrolling them in one or more vacation bible schools.
Swap with other parents. Set up a regular schedule or agreement where each parent takes a turn watching all the kids so the other parent(s) can have time to themselves. Your kids will have built-in social time with playmates and you’ll have time to focus on your own tasks – or just relax!

To learn more about how to make summer fun for the whole family, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.

Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Sex In Marriage: Keeping the Passion Alive, Post Children

April 17, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Remember when you were newlyweds and you couldn’t get enough of each other?

You’d dress up for dates so that you looked and felt sexy and then eagerly anticipate returning home together? And other evenings when you weren’t going anywhere, you’d slip something sexy on to spice things up in the bedroom? But now you are parents, and things have changed dramatically. Where did the excitement, passion, and anticipation go? How do we, as parents, maintain our sexual selves?

In our culture, good parents are presented as nurturing, self-sacrificing, and asexual. There is a disconnect between being a parent and being a sexual being. Many parents pass down this sense of detachment from their own sexuality in several ways:

disapproving of a child’s first sexual exploration (masturbation)
not speaking of sex
avoiding direct and factual discussions of the body

If you are like many couples, you probably enjoyed being sexual together early in your relationship. You could plan elaborate dates and spend time on foreplay. You took time to relax and explore one another during sex. It was hot. You felt sexy; you needed and wanted sex. Then you became parents and your sex life took a backseat.

It can be all too easy to put sex on the backburner, but in a world full of career, childrearing, running a household, and giving to others, sex can be a respite from the demands of everyday life. Both the mundane and the stress of daily living are transcended during sex play between married partners. It’s a way to close the door on the world and explore oneself and one’s partner with the only purpose being to experience pleasure and express love. It is a means for couples to connect in a way that they don’t with anyone else.

Most couples counseling emphasizes talking as the primary way to communicate. While talking is important, our bodies can communicate as much or more than our words. Sexual touch is a powerful communicator. It reminds us that ‘We really are connected. We DO love one another. It is safe to let go in front of my partner. He still desires me. She still gets excited at my touch.’ After an argument or disconnect, sex can feel like hitting the reset button for the marriage. It lets us know that, ‘We hit a rough patch, but now we’re connected once again.’

How do we bring good sex back into marriage? Finding new ways to think about sex can help.

Value your partner as a person who is different from you – think of him/her as a mystery to be rediscovered.
Think of foreplay as beginning hours or days before you plan to be together; flirt, enjoy each other’s company and let the anticipation build.
Value sex as a way to reconnect after an argument or rupture.
Remember that as a human, you are a sexual being and this is a gift.
Remember that having a strong marriage is an essential part of being a good parent; make sure you focus on your partner too, rather than just your children.
Talk to your physician about any physical issues that may be interfering with sex.
Talk to your therapist about any emotions that may be interfering.

To learn more about how to pump up the passion after you’ve had children, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Focus on Family: How To Get Kids Motivated

April 3, 2012 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

It’s a beautiful spring day, but instead of spending it outside your child has been sitting in front of the TV for hours.
You know your child is smart but he/she only puts forth minimal effort and doesn’t seem to care about schoolwork and getting into college.
Getting your child to do his/her chores had become such a battle that lately you just do them yourself – it’s so much easier.

You’ve tried everything to motivate your kids but nothing seems to work. You’ve asked nicely, you’ve demanded, you’ve threatened and you’ve punished but it’s either the same old battle or you’ve just given up.

The good news here is that things CAN change. Kids can develop new ways of acting. Even habits that have been in place for years can be unlearned and replaced by new habits. Make no mistake, it takes a lot of patience, optimism, and commitment on the part of the parents, but the rewards are well worth it. In my personal experience, introducing something new in my household is initially met with resistance. It can take several weeks, months, or even up to a year before the new habit is in place and it can feel like a long haul until we get there. Often, we feel tired out; tired of working on it and tired of having to find energy and resolve especially when:

it’s late at night
we’re stressed about something else
the family is hungry or irritable
the adults could do it faster themselves.

We have to call forth strength to continue to help our kids get motivated, but it IS possible.

Positive reward motivates kids very effectively. Think about what motivates adults to go to work: the paycheck, the benefits, or the feelings of importance and contribution to the world. For each of us it’s different.

What would motivate your child to do what you ask? What does your child light up over? What have you seen your child go through substantial effort to get? Here are some possibilities:

use of electronics: TV, phone, computer, video games, texting
spending time together: doing the activity WITH YOU
time with friends
gifts: money, small trinkets/candy, large items that are earned over time
recognition and praise: words of acknowledgment, posting the achievement on the fridge or framing it for the living room wall

As your child’s needs and interests change, so will the things that motivate him/her. Keep your eye out for new motivators. Here are two that worked with my kids at different ages.

When my daughter asked for her first phone, it felt way too early for us to get her one. But then it dawned on us that this could be a major motivator. We agreed that if she got certain grades or above, we’d get her a phone. In order for her to keep it, she needed to maintain those grades. It worked: we found ourselves at the phone store two days after the first report card came home. She felt proud of what she had accomplished and we were relieved we no longer had to remind her to do her homework daily. It wasn’t a perfect fix (she still needs gentle reminders from time to time) but the battling has stopped.

My son is younger. We struggled to get him to be responsible with chores like making his bed, brushing his teeth, wiping the sink when he’s done, and scooping the cat litter. When we noticed that he was regularly asking us for cash to buy gum or soda – and he was stoked when we gave him as little as a dollar- we decided to tie the two together. When he did all his chores, he earned $1 that day. Because he was younger and needed a more immediate reward we chose something he got right away rather than something that would take him a few months to earn. At first his tasks weren’t done perfectly: making the bed looked more like pulling the covers up in a haphazard fashion! But we settled for that because we wanted him to get used to the new routine and feel successful. As he got older, we guided him to do a better job. And as he continues to get older, we add new tasks and increase the reward to match.

Another powerful motivator is the idea of doing tasks together. When your kids want your time and attention this works well. Begin by doing a task with them so it’s enjoyable rather than boring. If you want your child to:

get up from the TV and go outside, offer to play catch or take a walk with him.
read, go to a bookstore and choose a book you’ll BOTH read (aloud or concurrently) and then talk about it.
cook one dinner a week, start by choosing a recipe and cooking it together.

Over time, a new habit will form. You’ll be able to give your child more and more independence and the new behavior will become routine.

To learn more about how to motivate your child, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.

Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Focus on Family: Keeping Your Cool With The Kids

March 21, 2012 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Have you ever felt so frustrated at your kids that you’ve reacted in ways you NEVER thought you would? Have you done things like:

screamed your head off at them?
hit them and then felt terrible afterwards?
said things to them in anger that you didn’t really mean?
found yourself thinking, “This is not the kind of parent I ever thought I’d be?”

In today’s hectic world many parents are under a lot of stress and, as a result, there are times when they overreact to their children. Because we’re so close to those we love, our loved ones sometimes end up getting the bulk of our anger/discontent, even when they aren’t the cause of it. But you can learn to manage your emotions about life so that you don’t take things out on your kids.

It’s not uncommon for parents to be upset or preoccupied about one thing when something else the kids do or say pushes them over the edge. It may be totally unrelated to what’s going on, but the next thing you know, your unsettled emotions are spilling over onto your kids.

Let’s say you’re stressed about work. You have an important project and the deadline is getting closer and closer. Your boss is breathing down your neck and the client is putting more and more pressure on you. You’re concerned and maxed out. You come home and before you know it you are yelling at your teen for something he/she did. Many times it’s about something that started out relatively small, like your teen eating junk food before dinner or not turning off the TV when you tell her to.

In that moment, or later, you realize that you overreacted and took your emotions out on your child. You feel regretful and know that isn’t the kind of parent you want to be. So, how do you become the loving parent that you’d like to be; the parent who is a fun companion when it’s appropriate and a caring disciplinarian when it’s needed? You do this by becoming more aware of what’s going on inside yourself. Turn your attention inward and become aware of what you’ve been feeling by asking yourself:

Am I overreacting to something relatively minor?
Am I preoccupied with a concern that’s unrelated to my kids?
What’s been on my mind, and in my heart, recently?
Was my child’s action or lack of action the final straw for me today?
How can I take care of my own needs so that I don’t take things out on my child/children?

As parents, it’s crucial that we be mindful of ourselves or we can end up inadvertently dumping our anger or stress out onto our kids. We need to make sure we’re not releasing emotion on them that’s really about something else. Our kids are going to do things that are irritating and bothersome. However, we can become more loving parents,by asking, “How can I do a better job of taking care of my needs so that I don’t take my own stress out on my child/children?”

In order to find out better ways to handle your emotions, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

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