Reactions: How Your Own Responses May be Adding To Your Relationship Troubles

November 7, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

When you’re upset, do you tend to pull yourself inside or express yourself outwardly? Do you clam up or rain down imaginary hail on everyone around you? Which is your ‘go to’ reaction? And, could your reactions be making things worse? What you say or do may be ADDING TO the conflict and REDUCING the passion in your relationship.

If you pull energy inward, you may…

become quiet or mumble
make your body smaller by cowering
move behind something
leave the room
appear unaffected
block out what you’re hearing
construct a protective shell

If you expand energy outward, you may…

get louder or shout
make your body larger by standing up
use big hand and arm gestures
pace or stomp around the room
have an urgent need to talk about the issue NOW
follow or chase your partner around the house to get things resolved

Whether people contain their reactions or react outwardly, it is often because INSIDE they’re upset, frustrated or any number of painful feelings such as hurt, fear, rejection, or jealousy. We often have painful feelings because one or more of our needs are going unmet.

Needs such as…

being heard and validated
being understood and empathized with
getting affection and sexual stimulation
feeling valued and important
being loved and cared for.

Now, think about it from your partner’s perspective: if your reactions are any of the above, you may, in fact, be interfering with getting your own needs met. Here are a few examples: It’s going to be extremely difficult for your partner to validate you when you’re screaming. It’s also going to be difficult for your partner to understand you if you’re not telling her/him what you’re upset about. It’s going to be difficult for your partner to reach out to be affectionate if you are stomping around the room. Likewise it’s going to be difficult for your partner to express caring if you’re blocking out what’s being said.

In other words, your reaction may be ADDING TO the conflict and REDUCING the passion in your relationship. You may be getting in your own way and preventing yourself from getting your needs met and therefore contributing to your relationship troubles! How can you avoid doing this?

Next time you feel yourself getting upset, try to step back and think. What’s upsetting you?
Is it a need you have that’s not getting met? Then take it to the next level by asking yourself: “Will my reaction help me get that need met or will it ensure the opposite – that I don’t get that need met?”

You CAN control your reaction to a large extent. If you normally react inwardly and keep a neutral expression, make sure your partner sees that you feel hurt. If you normally clam up or leave, make sure you speak up (in a non-attacking way) and let your partner know what you are feeling. If you normally react outwardly and become louder, larger or more intimidating, try to react in a less dramatic fashion, so that your partner hears you and gets your point. This will give your partner the chance to see your needs and meet them rather than pushing him/her away. Don’t let your own reactions increase the conflict and reduce the passion in your relationship. You can create a happy, loving relationship where your needs are being met.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center, call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com and use our online scheduler.

Sex: An Expression of Many Parts of Yourself

October 26, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

If you’ve been with your partner a long time, it’s likely that your sex life is vastly different now than it used to be. Couples in long-term relationships tell me all the time that they’re having less (or no) sex, and that it’s plain vanilla – the same tried and true position, or quick and to the point because of the kids and schedules.

When I talk about ‘sex’ I’m including all types of intimate contact. This includes:

holding hands
back scratches
foot rubs
kissing
oral and anal sex
masterbation
intercourse

In other words, any interaction between consenting adults. People engage in sex for many different reasons:

adult play
stress relief
expression of power and aggression
expression of sexuality
physical relief
a ‘reset button’ (a means to repair after a conflict)
love and closeness

Sex is a form of play for adults. Think of the ways kids know instinctively how to play. They climb on the playground, have pillow fights, dress-up and role-play both tender and aggressive characters. Sex can be an adult-version of play which serves many purposes:

physical stimulation
role-play and fantasy
a chance to be aggressive
a chance to relax, laugh, and have fun.

Hearing that sex is a chance to be aggressive may surprise you. Many people, especially women, are uncomfortable with their aggressive side. By aggression during sex, I don’t mean abuse, shaming or forcing someone to do something they don’t want to. I mean a healthy expression of aggression like taking control, being on-top, and making sure to get your own needs met. Sexual play gives us the chance to explore and express this assertive and powerful side of ourselves.

On the other side is passivity and submission. Again, I’m not talking about being unwantedly intruded upon or forced to do something you’re not into. Healthy passivity is allowing yourself to lay back, to receive pleasure, to let go emotionally and physically, to be held, and to receive love. Often it’s men who are uncomfortable with this side of themselves. Many times, if men are conflicted about this side of themselves they don’t allow it to be seen elsewhere and the only time they allow it to show up is during sex when they’re in connection with someone they trust.

Other people do the opposite: they only feel comfortable acting out these conflicted sides of themselves with a total stranger or someone they know they’ll never see again. If you’ve done this, I invite you to consider sharing this side of yourself with your long-term partner. Find the courage to let your partner know about these other sides of you. It can be highly erotic to discover something new about someone you’ve been with for a long time and thought you knew fully. Take it slowly until you know it’s safe emotionally. You could begin simply by telling your partner what you’d like or showing them without words. If you’re scared, preface it with “Please don’t laugh at me, but there’s something I’ve been thinking about…” Who knows, maybe the two of you will end up laughing together to relieve the tension. Maybe it will be a big hit – the new thing! Or maybe a big flop. The expression and the exploration is the best part here.

Sex with a long-term partner can be a safe place for all different aspects of ourselves to be expressed, explored, and played with. I keep choosing words with double meanings – DO take this both ways! Just talking about sex should be fun and playful.

Using sex to express other sides of yourself in the safety of someone you trust, even if you expresses things that don’t seem to be what men and women are typically ‘supposed to’ like, is good and healthy and normal. It’s an intimacy builder and a form of adult play. And we all need more play in our lives!

Improving Your Communication In 5 Simple Steps

July 10, 2012 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

Do you find that many of your conversations quickly change direction?
Do you start out talking about one thing, and before you know it you are talking about something completely different?
Do your conversations tend to become emotional instead of logical?
Do you often end up feeling frustrated because you didn’t get what you wanted out of the exchange?

This is normal. It’s not out of the ordinary for conversations to take sudden turns. It’s also not unusual for emotions to get involved without warning. Many times we begin a conversation thinking one thing and come away thinking another. And most of us have also come out of a conversation to find that we have committed to something we didn’t really want to do.

Conversations don’t have to be a mystery. They don’t have to end with you feeling unhappy, dissatisfied or frustrated with the outcome. You can increase your likelihood of getting what you want and need out of an exchange with these five simple, yet powerful tips.

That’s right, just five things! These simple steps can help you communicate more effectively. They will help keep your discussions on track, allow you to take into account what’s NOT being said, become more aware of yourself, and become more aware of the other person.

1. Define your goal/intention.

Do you want to:

persuade?
build trust and safety?
ask for something you want?
gain information?

Be clear on what you’re hoping to accomplish without being rigid. When conversations start to veer, stay on task by saying, “That’s a different subject. Let’s get back to…”

2. Notice non-verbal cues.

Much of our communication happens without words. Non-verbal signals account for 65% of what we communicate to others, tone of voice accounts for 30% and the words we speak, only 5%. Look for non-verbal evidence of annoyance or guardedness. Does the person you are speaking to have arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed, mouth frowning, or poor eye contact? Is there evidence of the opposite? Does the person have a soft, neutral face, open stance turned toward you or a smile?

3. Truly Listen.

Give the person who is speaking your undivided attention. In order to truly listen you must remain quiet, look at the speaker, and take in what they’re trying to say. You should NOT be multi-tasking or trying to formulate your next sentence. You will find that when you really listen, people will tell you about who they are as a person and how to connect with them.

4. Pay Attention to your Tone of Voice.

Become more aware of your own tone of voice and that of the person you are speaking with. If the person trails off at the end of the sentence, talks in a pressured, hurried way, or speaks very softly, he/she may be feeling unimportant. Is the tone of voice communicating unspoken anger? Is the tone of voice communicating caring and concern? Pay attention and it will give you a clue to how the other person is feeling.

5. Think Before You Speak.

Many, many people have gotten into BIG trouble by saying the first thing that came to mind. Slow down, especially if you’re nervous, tense or angry. Pause. Think first about what you really want to communicate before putting it into words.

Being aware of these five simple tips can make a huge difference in your conversations. But doing these five things on a regular basis takes insight and practice. We can help you with this. In fact, Couples Therapy Center has always taught clients to be more effective communicators because that enhances all relationships.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

In the Heat of the Moment: Keeping Your Emotions from Causing More Damage

May 29, 2012 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

You’ve just had a huge fight with your partner. You’re still fuming. Does the situation seem hopeless, insurmountable, or like there’s no way out? Does your mind immediately turIn to thoughts of separation/divorce? When you have those feelings, what do you do with them? Do you explode them out or keep them hidden?

Conflicts can seem hopeless when you are in the heat of the moment. At times, these feelings are so strong that the entire marriage seems like a mistake. You feel as if the only solution is to get out permanently by leaving or divorcing.

Even though it may seem that way during these blowups, ending the relationship is not the only option. When you can’t change your partner or leave easily, there is still one area you do have influence over: yourself. It’s time to consider how your reaction might be exacerbating things. Whether your reaction to these emotions is to show them on the outside OR to keep them bottled up, your reaction might be adding to the difficulties. Most likely, you’re so focused on what your spouse did or said wrong that you aren’t considering how you may be contributing to the problem. It takes two people to have an argument.

People behave differently when they’re emotional. Some people overreact and others underreact. An overreactor is very obvious. When something upsets them, you can usually see it their body. They might clench their fists or jaw, stomp around, point, or stand up to appear bigger. You can see their emotions in their face: anger, sadness and crying, or disappointment. They can also react by yelling, raging, cursing, using sarcasm, bemoaning, complaining, or talking non-stop. Generally, overreactors get more expressive when they’re upset.

An underreactor can be harder to see. They tend to shut down and close off from others. In fact, at times they may not even know they are feeling anything! Underreactors often do things like cross their arms, turn to some distraction like the computer, go off to bed, or just leave the room. They say very little. There’s hardly any change in their expression, yet they can have an elevated heartrate or blood pressure.

Many times, your emotion – or what looks like your lack of emotion – deeply affects your spouse and adds to the conflict. You are so closely connected to your spouse (even if you currently feel distant) that your spouse picks up on your feelings. Now, both of you are experiencing painful emotions and you are both reacting to them. For most couples, this pattern is a big problem in and of itself.

Rather than continuing to freak out OR to shut down:

Stop and think before you overreact or underreact.
Notice what you are feeling.
Think about how you could react in a way that will not cause a secondary problem.
Reach out to talk to someone who supports your marriage and will help you sort through things.

Learning to control your reactions will have a profound effect on your spouse. You’ll feel more in control of yourself the next time a dispute arises. It’s your skill in handling the difficult times in relationships that is the most crucial, and most difficult, to learn.

Here at the Couples Therapy Center, we teach people what to do with their emotions: how to identify them, how emotions are showing up in your body as tension or illness, AND how to react to them in a way that keeps your relationship intact.

To learn more about how we can help, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

When The Pot Calls The Kettle Black: Dealing with Projection

March 6, 2012 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

“You’re so passive! Why can’t you stand up for yourself?!”

“You’re over-involved with your family. Don’t you consider me!?”

“You’re too emotional! You need to be more logical.”

“You get enraged over the smallest things. You should be more accepting.”

Ever find yourself hating something about your partner? Who hasn’t? Once the initial romance wears off, we get to see many more sides of our partners – both the good and the ugly. Most people dislike some things about their partner for two reasons:

Our partner’s traits and actions affect us negatively.
We dislike in our partners the very same traits we dislike in ourselves.

The first statement probably doesn’t surprise you, but the second might be a little hard to swallow. In therapy terms, this is called ‘projection’. The idea is that it’s more palatable to see characteristics we dislike in other people than it is to see them in ourselves. It’s so much easier for the pot to call the kettle black. We tend to hate a trait in others (especially if the person is our spouse) rather than to recognize, “Oh, I do this too, sometimes.”

Let me give you an example. In this scenario, a wife tells her husband that an out of town cousin will stay at their house in a few weeks. It’s going to be on a night when the husband usually works late and she says “If you can be here that night, great. If not, that’s okay.” Even though she says this, the husband knows it’s important to her that he be there and it’s important to him too. Although it’s not easy, the husband manages to change his work schedule. The morning before the cousin’s arrival, the wife tells him that the plans have changed and her cousin is coming a different night instead. Right away, the husband feels anger swell up inside him. He yells, “What?! You didn’t even ask me – you went ahead without talking to me first?! Do you know what I had to do to get coverage for that night!? Change it back!” When the wife refuses and says that he doesn’t have to be there, he moves into attack mode with, “You won’t ask her because you let others dictate your schedule. You can’t stand up for us or for yourself. You’re so passive! You’re weak!”

Why did the husband get so angry in this situation? There are several reasons. The first is totally legitimate: It’s not okay for one spouse to make unilateral decisions about things that affect both partners. It’s not that one spouse needs the other’s permission to do something; it’s just that couples should talk about things before deciding.

There are other valid reasons here, but the reason I want to focus on is this: the husband projected traits that he, himself, wrestles with onto his spouse. One clue to this was the way he labeled her behavior by calling her passive and weak. The husband got angry because, on some level, he realizes there are times he can be passive or fail to stand up for himself. Since this is hard for him, he becomes enraged when he sees the same trait in his spouse.

How can the husband turn his anger or ‘energy’ into something productive? He can own his own passivity and develop the opposite trait: assertiveness. This is an opportunity for him to grow part of himself. Buried in this conflict is the chance to be different.

In this situation, the husband has the opportunity to be assertive by talking to his wife and cousin. He could say, “I felt hurt when you changed the plans without talking to me first. I was annoyed. I had to go through a lot to make that night available, and then you changed it. I wanted to be there. Next time, please talk to me before you decide what to do.” Instead of resenting his wife’s passivity, he can take this opportunity to grow his own assertiveness.

When you find yourself triggered by something that your partner does or says, you can take it to the next level by being curious about yourself. Ask yourself:

What is the trait or characteristic that’s angering or hurting me?
Do I struggle with that same trait sometimes?
What is this an opportunity for me to learn to be instead?

To find out more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Experiencing Your Full Range of Emotions: Why It’s Important

December 16, 2011 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

Everyone experiences painful feelings from time to time. This is a normal part of the human experience, just as joy and excitement are part of being human. Times of sorrow, grief, despair and fear are unavoidable. In spite of the fact that experiencing these painful feelings is normal, many of us have spent a lifetime trying to avoid feeling them.

When painful feelings come, we want them to go away. Some people try to push these feelings down by blinking back the tears. Others try to move away from the pain by focusing on something else, constantly keeping busy, or trying to convince themselves they are being irrational. Some people try to numb the pain in a more extreme way, by using drugs or alcohol. Still others allow only their anger to come out by becoming physical, yelling, or demeaning others while suppressing painful feelings. Read More

Open to Love: Freeing Yourself From Being Protected, yet Isolated

December 14, 2011 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

Let me tell you a story I heard from a gifted Imago therapist and trainer named Maya Kollman. The story is about a woman who loves walking on the beach. The woman’s bare feet sink into the warm sand with each step. Without shoes, she feels free and natural. The woman walks like this every day, until she steps on a sharp shell and cuts her foot. The woman is surprised. Her foot is bleeding and it hurts. The next time she walks on the beach, she wears flip-flops to protect her feet from shells. After several days, the side of her foot brushes against a beached jellyfish. The woman’s foot stings and itches. So, the next time she walks on the beach the woman wears sneakers. This works for several days, until the woman stubs her toe on the rocks of the jetty. Frustrated, the woman decides to wear boots for her walks on the sand. She has been hurt so many times and she has finally found a way to keep her feet safe. However, the woman has become so concerned with protecting her feet that she has lost the wonderful experience of feeling the sand beneath her feet and between her toes. She misses feeling the texture, coarse and dry or silky and cool, and she misses feeling the connection to nature. Read More

Get A Grip: How to Keep Emotional Reactions from Hurting Your Marriage

May 11, 2011 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

Your emotions have a huge impact on your marriage. Whether your reaction to these emotions is to show them on the outside OR to keep outside of your awareness, your reaction might be driving your partner away. After many times of reacting similarly, a pattern sets in. This pattern may be a big contributor to the difficulties in your marriage.

People react differently when they have an emotion inside. S ome people are overreactors and some are underreactors. An overreactor is very obvious. When they’re emotionally triggered by something, they can react with their body. They might clench their fists or jaw, stomp around, point, or stand up to appear bigger. You can see their emotions in their face: anger, sadness and crying, or disappointment. They can also react with their voice by yelling, raging, cursing, using sarcasm, bemoaning, complaining, or non-stop talking. Read More

Containing Our Emotions: When It’s Helpful To Hold Back

April 9, 2011 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

I usually write about allowing our feelings to be felt, to be talked about, and to be shown. Today, I’ve been thinking about the opposite: containing them – and how to know when to do what!

Containing our emotions means to hold back how we’re feeling from someone else. It’s what we do when we know something’s going on inside of us because we have a strong emotion(s) about something, but we choose not to let it show on the outside. We deliberately decide not to say anything. We choose to stay quiet. We limit what our face expresses by refraining from rolling our eyes or frowning. We still our body and do not shrug our shoulders, cross our arms, or tap our feet. Read More

The Transformational Power of Love?

January 9, 2011 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

This time of year, we are hearing so much about New Year’s Resolutions. The idea of starting new habits in January is all over magazines and TV. Naturally, we think about doing things differently going forward. We can have the best intentions, yet, ever wonder why people resolve to make a change and the change only lasts a short time? Has this happened to you and then did you criticize yourself for not having stronger willpower? If so, you may be surprised to learn that change is not about willpower and toughing it out. Lasting change happens when we’re in a loving relationship. This is the transformational power of love. Read More

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