Solving The Most Common Relationship Issues: We Argue Over Every Little Thing

September 30, 2019 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Does this scenario sound familiar in your relationship–you and your partner are having a great time spending quality time together on a rare kid-free day. You begin talking about how the kids are doing in school and suddenly you begin disagreeing about how to handle a situation that arose with a teacher. The disagreement escalates, and before you know it, there are raised voices, angry words and a perfectly good day feels ruined. Do you feel that you and your partner are stuck in this pattern of constant arguing and bickering-even over things that feel minor?

Contrary to what may be popular belief, arguing is not a bad thing. Actually, as a couples counselor, it raises a red flag to me when a couple will tell me “We never fight.” That may let me know that the couple is avoiding discussing any conflict or differences due to fear of those discussions escalating into fights. Conflict is a natural part of every relationship. When you have two people with different backgrounds, perspectives and personalities trying to navigate through the many hurdles of a relationship, of course there will be conflict along the way. And these conflicts will likely lead to arguments at times. So, the arguing itself is not the problem; but the WAY you argue and manage your conflict may be!

If you find your relationship is plagued with constant bickering, here are some tips that may help in managing the conflict.

Share opinions respectfully-You likely will disagree on a lot of subjects and that is okay. Share your “side” in a way that doesn’t indicate blame or attack. Use “I” statements to focus on your thoughts and feelings on the subject. It may seem like a minor difference but beginning with the word “you” will automatically feel like attack towards your partner. Think of the difference in the way this sentence would be heard and perceived: “You are so lazy. Why can’t you load the dishwasher correctly!” VS. “I would find it helpful if the silverware was loaded facing out so they don’t need to be rewashed.”
Stay focused on the present subject-How often do you and your partner start out arguing about one subject, and suddenly you are each bringing up grievances from long ago? It is common to want to use what we perceive as past mistakes for “evidence”, and suddenly we are arguing about something that happened years ago. The problem with this is people cannot effectively resolve several issues in one discussion. Limit your talk to just one occurrence or item.
Don’t try to WIN- In other words, allow for the possibility that you may still disagree. Instead, the goal should be increased understanding of your partner and and vise versa. Not every problem is solvable and that is okay! While there may be some conflicts that require an ultimate resolution, many of our day to day conflicts will never be resolved. Instead of arguing to “win”, work to give your opinions and feelings in as calm and neutral manner as you can. When listening, be curious about your partner’s opinions and feelings. This skill sets the two of you up as not adversaries, but allies working to find a commonality. This skill, employed consistently, increases the likelihood of coming to a solution you both feel okay about.
Acceptance-In the end, accepting that our partner is a different person than us is crucial to managing any conflict. The two of you grew up in different families with different rules of engagement and maybe different values. At its most mature level, love is accepting another human, as is – faults and all.

Managing conflict can be one of the toughest challenges in a relationship, but learning these skills can allow you to do so in an effective way that helps bring you even closer to your partner! For more information or help with these skills, please contact us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or at 908-246-3074.

The Professional Single

March 28, 2019 by admin in Uncategorized | Comments Off

Our most recent blog highlighted the professional couple. Another type of client that gets A LOT from working with us is the professional ‘single’’. Perhaps you see yourself in the professional ‘single’…

-A successful professional/leader in their company or a proud business owner

-In a dating relationship and starting to notice small issues (such as how the partner handles one’s kids or where to spend holidays)

-Perhaps you are noticing frustration or anxiety (or that past issues are being triggered) causing increasing conflict in your current relationship.

Because you’re a professional, you tend to like a structured approach to therapy – processes where you can learn and implement interpersonal skills. You also like the way the therapy process helps with gaining insight into yourself. From working with us, you learn how to be in a healthier partnership (and effective skills around the complicated dynamics of interacting with the other’s child(ren)). You can work on resolving past issues, so you no longer get triggered and come to intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle you. As a result, the relationship improves even when the partner never joins therapy, because one person is learning and growing.

If you can relate to some of the struggles of these types of clients, or are interested in achieving some of these results, email us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com , or call us at (908) 246-3074 to schedule an appointment. Don’t fit these descriptions exactly, that’s fine. We do a phone chat prior to scheduling to determine how we can be of service.

8 Demands on Marriage That Contribute to Divorce

February 25, 2019 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Might you have unrealistic expectations for your relationship that are leaving you feeling disappointed in your partner? In general in our culture, we have the expectation that our marriage should meet a wide variety of our needs. Think about the messages we are consistently exposed to whether they come from television shows, romantic novels or what we see from other people on social media. There are eight needs that we are continually expecting our partners to meet. Consider that we are told our partners should…

be our best friend
be a good financial provider
participate in household responsibilities like cooking and cleaning
be a good parent
support us in pursuit of our goals
be our romantic partner
be our erotic partner
be a source of security and stability.

That is a tall order! Believing that any one person can fulfill all those needs for us is a recipe for disappointment! Having these expectations is often leaving us let down by our partners when they fail to meet all these needs. It even leads to thinking that the grass is greener if we move on to another relationship with a ‘better partner’.

Think back to what you may heard about why people married generations ago. People may have married to join two families and make a political alliance. People may have married a partner who was a good worker and knew they would run the family business or family farm well together. People married to procreate. They certainly didn’t expect their partner would meet all these eight needs.

With this information about expectations, ask yourself two questions.

First, how can you accept your partner as is? How can you accept them knowing they have certain strengths, but also certain weaknesses?

Secondly, how can you strengthen your network and your support system around you so that you do have these various eight needs met, but without unrealistically demanding them from any one person?

We hope asking yourself these questions will challenge you to think differently about your marriage. If you would like help thinking differently about your marriage, call us at 908-246-3074, or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment with one of our relationship experts.

My Partner Makes Me Want to Scream!

January 29, 2019 by admin in Emotions, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Have you ever had one of those conversations where your partner says something minor that leaves you enraged or bursting into tears? What do you do when your partner triggers intense emotions in you? The first response in most of us is to want our partner to stop it. We want our partner to change so we don’t have to feel that distress. Another thing we tend to do is distract ourselves; we pull out a smart phone, look for something to eat, make a drink, or do some other compulsive behavior. We want to numb the pain we are feeling. At times what we want is to stuff our feelings away. It is like shoving them in a bottle and putting a cork in it. We want to contain them and hope that they will go away. Unfortunately, that is a myth. Now we are walking around with bottled up painful emotions, and that cork can blow at any time! When it does, that’s when we get triggered by something minor. We have an intense response to a very small event because our emotions have been locked away. The other problem with these unhealthy methods of dealing with your painful emotions is that any further conversation with your partner at this time will likely lead to arguments. You will not be able to effectively discuss anything when flooded with intense emotions. When your partner makes you want to scream, how do you deal with it in a better way? We want to share our 3-step method to help bring you back to a calm, peaceful centered place, and deal with these intense emotions in a healthy manner.

The first thing you can do is first simply notice your emotion(s). Rather than pull out your phone or distract yourself, pay attention and ask what am I feeling right now? Maybe your emotion shows up as a physical sensation. For some people, they might have a nervous habit of picking nails, they may fear feel in their gut, or tension or stress in their jaw or shoulders. Maybe you experience strong emotion in another way. Your first action is to pause and simply notice what you are feeling right now.

Step two is to name the feeling. Often people call most of their feelings ‘frustration’. However, there is a wide range of painful experiences we can have. Give yourself a second to consider exactly what the feeling is at the time. Perhaps its loneliness, rejection, sadness or loss. It could be fear, concern, worry, shame or embarrassment. Naming the emotion can be difficult, but helpful in better understanding what’s going on inside of you.

The third step is to give yourself a healthy way to get those emotions out. For some people it means talking to someone they trust. If you do this, be careful who you pick. For example, don’t pick someone who is quick to talk about themselves or quick to give you advice. You likely won’t feel heard or satisfied. Find someone who is a good listener so you are able to really get the painful emotions out. Another healthy way people get emotions out is by engaging in an activity. Some people express themselves by creating art, writing about it, or creating or listening to music. Some people get emotions out simply by crying, walking or running, even cleaning. All these suggestions are ways to get emotions out that get them released in a healthy way; a way that isn’t going to damage other people and is not stuffing them down and hoping they go away.

If your partner was the one who triggered these emotions, you need at least 20 minutes to do this 3- step technique to bring yourself back to center before talking with them. Once you are coming from a calm peaceful place you will be able to approach your partner about what you are unhappy with, and have a productive and effective conversation. Do you need the tools to have a productive and effective conversation with your partner? If so, call us at 908-246-3074, or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment with one of our relationship experts.

What The Scandinavians Know About Happiness That We Don’t

August 31, 2018 by admin in Giving Thanks, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Scandinavian countries consistently rank as the happiest countries in the world. It seems surprising that the cold climate, almost no daylight during winter months and infrequent sunny days isn’t causing sadness and despondency? Are they also the wealthiest countries, allowing for their citizens to gain happiness from a lot of material possessions? Are they all on antidepressants? What’s going on up there?

One of my favorite definitions of happiness is not wanting to be anywhere else in this moment. Take a second to consider that more deeply: allowing, and being at peace with, whatever and wherever you are in a given moment. Not longing for the next event. Not thinking about ways in which this moment is inadequate. Simply noticing the present without judgment. Just being here and now, without overthinking. When you’re happy, you don’t want the moment to end. You’re not thinking about the past or future.

Contrast that worldview with the messages we’re sent via mass media. Commercials and many television shows are showcasing the next/better version of things we already own (cars is a great example of this). Both for products and services, the underlying message is “You are/your stuff is inadequate. So, buy this and THEN you’ll be happy”.

Many movies (especially romantic comedies and kids movies from when we were growing up) promote the myth “If only you find the right partner, then you’ll be happy.” For singles, they can feel inadequate not being in a relationship in the present. For couples, they can come to see their relationship as not as fulfilling as those in the movies apparently are. (Thankfully, modern kids’ movies are no longer consistently promoting the idea of finding a mate and THEN living happily ever after.)

Social media can also contribute to dissatisfaction with what we have or are doing in the present moment. Your friends/acquaintances are most likely posting beautiful photos of their latest vacation, their kid’s achievements, or groups of family members in apparent harmony. Repeatedly seeing images of only the best moments of others’ lives can lead us to ‘compare and despair’.

The Swedes have a word that describes how much a person needs – just enough and not too little. It’s called lagom. And when you have just enough and not too little (whether its material possessions, relationships of any type or anything else we pursue here in the States) you come to realize your happiness has been available all along. It’s no longer about obtaining a certain degree/ job, a certain home, an awesome vacation, or a partner. You can feel happy right here and now. There’s a parable that describes this:

An old cat came across a young kitten running in circles chasing its own tail in frantic pursuit. The old cat asked “What are you doing?” The kitten replied “I was told my tail is my happiness. I’m just trying to catch it so I can be happy.” The old cat smiled and said “You know, when I was young I was told the same thing. I spent years trying to catch it. I was exhausted and unhappy waiting for the day to come when I would finally be happy. Finally, I gave up trying. It was then that I noticed something.” “Noticed what?” the kitten asked impatiently. The old cat replied “It was there all along. I was too busy in the pursuit of happiness to notice my tail already there. I didn’t realize how good the present moment was because I kept looking ahead.”

Now, consider for yourself how you can let go of…

Wanting to be somewhere else?

Wanting to be with someone (or someone else)?

Wanting this moment to be different than it is?

Wanting this moment to be over so you can go onto the next moment?

Wanting someone to behave other than they are behaving right now?

As long as you have just enough and not too little, your happiness has likely been here all along. You just weren’t realizing your tail has been with you this whole time.

Making Summer a Time to Connect With Your Spouse—And Your Kids!

June 21, 2018 by admin in Uncategorized | Comments Off

Summer brings longer days and brighter sunshine. In books and movies, it’s a time for love- spending days relaxing and taking romantic strolls. The reality may look a little different for parents. As a parent, I feel very torn this time of year. Part of me is singing Hallelujah at the thought of no more rousing sleepy children up for school and fighting to get homework done. But the other part of me is thinking about months with little routine and kids who may be bored and constantly hungry!

With some creative thinking, summertime can be quality family time you may be missing during the school year AND quality time with your partner in different ways than you can during the winter months.

Take advantage of warm weather and go outdoors- Do something fun with your partner, like playing mini golf, hiking, dining on an outdoor patio or renting a jet ski together. Take a similar creative view and find family activities that you can only do in the summer-visit a water park, head to the beach or go to an outdoor concert.
Take advantage of less running- Throughout the school year, our time tends to be filled with the practicalities of homework and chauffeuring. The summer can bring a break from all that. Enjoy more leisurely family dinners on weeknights without having to eat in between activities. Take the kids to a farmer’s market and try a new fruit or vegetable. Extra time with your partner can allow for coming home from work when it is still light outside and do something as simple as sitting out in the backyard and catching up on your day.
Take the vacations with and without the kids- Enjoy a family getaway at places with a range of activities (from roller coasters to museums) so family members with different interests find something each one likes. Living in the northeast corridor affords lots of opportunities for spouses to visit a winery, a historic site or the city.
On a rainy day, stay home and look through old photos and have an indoor ‘picnic’. Take out family albums and tell your spouse or kids about where you grew up and what activities your family did. Put your digital photos up on the TV and view the more recent ones on a big screen. Then spread out an old blanket or tablecloth on the living room floor and have an indoor ‘picnic’ free from ants!
Allow each family member to have a say in the activity or alternate choosing the activity. It’s possible to unconsciously cater to one child’s needs and interests and the rest of the family gets dragged along. Each day let a different family member choose the activity or put out options to vote on (and the parents make the final decision). Explain that a family is a system that needs to work together to function at its best – each member can sometimes lead and sometimes follow, but always with a positive attitude.
Allow for miscommunication and mishaps. Having expectations can cause disappointment when the reality doesn’t live up to what we envisioned. Taking that one step further – we often don’t verbalize these expectations to the other(s) so they have no idea what we had in mind! No wonder arguments can break out in the middle of something that’s supposed to be fun. Communicate ahead of time and be adaptable when needed. Keep your focus on the fact that everyone’s safe, healthy and you are all together. After all, that’s the whole point

Don’t Avoid Fights—Just Fight Fairly!

April 16, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

We’ve all been in this scenario with our partner-we get angry over something they’ve done (or not done) and we approach our partner with our anger. It’s likely we have the expectation that they will understand why we are upset, apologize and all will be right again. But how often does this scenario take place instead? Our partner reacts to our anger with their own, comes back at us with defensiveness, and suddenly a full-blown argument is taking place. Maybe it includes yelling, maybe it includes mean things said in anger—but it is likely that the result is hurt feelings and resentment. Over time, if these types of fights are occurring frequently, they can be very damaging to a relationship as the anger and resentment will only keep building!

So, how do we avoid these damaging fights? Some couples feel they should avoid fighting altogether. They may be very uncomfortable with confrontation and conflict, and therefore tend to not express any unhappiness with their partner. This extreme can lend itself to damage down the road as well. If we always bottled up our emotions, they are highly likely to come out at some point in an unhealthy way. Consider a bottle that you keep stuffing things in and trying to put a cork on it. Eventually the cork is going to pop if the bottle gets too filled!

So, knowing that avoiding all arguing is unhealthy, how do we have fights that are fair, healthy and, very importantly, productive?

-Stay on topic! How often have you start fighting over one subject and suddenly your partner is bringing up things from years past? It is easy to get caught up in throwing things at your partner that have happened and listing every injustice you feel you have ever suffered. Unfortunately, this tends to lead to more anger and can easily escalate a fight. In addition, we tend not to resolve the current issue when we lose focus on it and begin arguing about related topics. Do your best to stay on the topic that needs to be discussed and work on reminding each other to refocus if one partner is beginning to stray to the past.

-Try to move towards compromise! As competitive beings, many of us often focus on “winning” the argument. Often, this leads to our pride getting in the way of focusing on a better outcome-resolving the fight in fair and effective way that leaves both individuals feeling that they’ve been heard and understood. There are going to be times when the outcome does need to be ‘let’s agree to disagree’ and that is okay. But, often if we stay open to compromise, the two of you will feel closer to one another during the discussion thus making a good outcome more likely.

-Avoid labeling and blaming! When our own anger is met with defensiveness, it is likely because we are explaining ourselves to our partner by assigning blame. In addition, when we use labels, you are adding to the blame by giving the impression that the person is completely at fault. For example, if you are angry that they are not helping around the house as much as you’d like, a simple statement such as “you’re so lazy” sets the argument up for disaster! The label implies that it is more than just their behavior that you don’t like, but them as a whole. This of course will bring on defensives, which almost always will escalate the argument. Instead, try to use “I” statements, describe how the person’s behavior makes you feel and make a specific request. If you approached your partner in the above scenario with the statement, “I am feeling overwhelmed and would really appreciate if you cleaned up the kitchen after dinner”, you are so much more likely to get a positive response.

It is important to remember that arguing is not only a part of every relationship, but can be healthy because it means we are expressing our true feelings to our partner and opening up the possibility for working effectively together. Learning to fight fair is a skill that many of us don’t have and a skill that takes practice. But this skill can go a long way in improving your relationship satisfaction and happiness. To learn more about how to fight fair, and other relationship skills, contact us to schedule an appointment at 908-246-3074, or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Parenting in The Age of Social Media Frenzy

March 22, 2018 by admin in Family, Relationships, Teens, Uncategorized | Comments Off

When young couples dream of having children, they dream about such things like holding their newborn infant for the first time, watching them take their first steps and experiencing countless moments of pure joy and love for a child they’ve created together. And while all those things do happen, the reality we come to understand is that parenting is hard! And parenting in today’s world of technology is even harder! As a mother of four kids, I often find myself saying ‘I wish I was a parent years ago before phones and social media existed. It was probably so much easier.’ Of course, parenting in any generation came with its own set of issues, but the advent and influence technology and social media has on our children has certainly caused many extra layers of complexity as we raise our young children into pre-teens and especially through the rough teenage years. Let’s take a closer look at some of the pitfalls we can run into navigating our children through these social media times.

-“But mom everyone has a phone except me!”-It seems like the “appropriate” age to provide your child with a phone keeps getting younger and younger. So how do you determine when is it the right time to put the phone in your child’s hands? First, as difficult as it may be, try not be swayed by the ‘but everyone else has one’ argument. Generally, when kids make that statement, we realize their idea of everyone is likely to be skewed. No one knows your child better than you, so base your decision on them personally. There is no right age and as parents, we have to be comfortable with the timing. It is also important to remember that allowing your kids to have a phone and allowing them to join social media sites can be two different things! Consider…

Are they responsible enough to take care of a phone?
What are the needs they (and you) have that the phone would serve?
How would you guide them in making decisions on who to friend, who to accept, and what to post?

Understand the lure of the smartphone. These devices are designed to get users addicted by offering variable reward. Meaning, we don’t know if each time we check, there will be a new message or ‘friend’ for us. Sometimes there is and this gives us a dopamine hit which feels good. Other times, there isn’t. It’s the possibility of ‘reward’ that keeps us coming back (adults too). It is a powerful force and you will need to set consistent guidelines for its use.

-“I guess I wasn’t invited to Julia’s party that everyone is posting about”-Being an adolescent is hard enough with issues such as trying to fit in and make friends. Years ago, kids may have heard about a party they were left out of after the fact. But in today’s social media age, kids are seeing all social activities every other kid is doing on any given day. This provides a lot of opportunity for them to feel left out or bad about themselves, ultimately potentially affecting their self-esteem. As parents, it is important to teach our kids how to feel confident in themselves and not compare their social lives to anyone else’s or base their worth on how many followers they have. This is a tough lesson; after all, how many of us have seen a Facebook post about a night out that we weren’t included in and felt badly? We need to share the lessons we remind ourselves with our kids…

Focus on the friends you have
Not everyone gets invited to every event and how to accept that
One’s worth is not determined by how many (often superficial) online friends one has

– “I’ll put down the phone in a minute. I just want to send this Snap”-We have likely all read countless articles about how much time adolescents spend on their phones today, and how detrimental that can be. But how much time is too much? And how do we get our kids to actually enjoy other activities when the lure of social media is so huge? As with the “right” age, there is also no magical amount of screen time that is appropriate. Again, every child is different and you want to consider how much time is appropriate for your child. But, engaging them in other activities is certainly an important element in this dilemma. It’s hard enough to connect with our adolescents, but even harder when having to fight for their attention with the screen. So don’t hesitate to make certain activities technology free! Consider…

Involving them in other (offline) activities
Establish phone-free times, such as mealtime
Make family movie nights – take turns who chooses the film and make special snacks for the occasion
Initiate in-person conversation with your kids (riding together in the car is a great time for this).

The technology won’t stop evolving, and parenting will always be hard! But with some focus on the rewards, we can all get to continue experiencing those daily moments of pure joy we dream about. If you need help with parenting in these tough times, please feel free to contact us at 908-246-3074 or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

What is the One Crucial Skill You May Not be Teaching Your Children?

October 19, 2017 by admin in Family, Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

If you’re focused on your kids’ academics and sports, you may be missing the boat. More than ever, society defines success for our children as good grades, how many activities/sports they participate in, and even how many friends they have. Beyond participation, we’re taught they need to excel in order to succeed in life. Consequently, we invest tons of time, energy and money into these areas of our child’s development. We bend over backwards to chauffeur them to activities, to study with them, hire tutors and send them to the best schools, or to hire private coaches and get them on the travel teams. Of course, these are worthwhile and valuable aspects of life. But, if your relationship with their other parent is suffering in the meantime, you’re missing the boat on a crucial aspect of your child’s development.

There’s a meme on social media that states something like “Don’t worry about watching your children’s behavior. Worry about your children watching yours.” Regardless of their age, our children ARE watching us: how we love their other parent, argue with their other parent, and how we handle our own emotions. (They’re also observing how we manage other areas of our life (spiritual, health and fitness, involvement with extended family, career, financial et cetera). If your relationship with their other parent is limping along or in conflict, that can have a huge impact on what a child learns about relationships and have repercussions well into their adulthood. We may not be aware of the lessons we are teaching, but as their parents, we are unconsciously modeling for them how to act and react. If we are easily annoyed with, or contemptuous of, our spouse, kids learn that’s how married couples view one another. If we play the victim and feel sorry for ourselves, kids learn that’s how to handle feelings of hurt or loneliness. If we turn to alcohol, overeating, or another compulsive behavior to numb our own emotions, kids learn that’s how to handle painful feelings.

While we may be busy raising children who are achieving academically, or who are involved in many activities, as parents we may be missing the opportunity to develop something much more important to a child’s development –their ability to establish and maintain healthy relationships. Who cares if they become a prize winner, champion or professional success if their personal life is in shambles? Or if they’re lonely? Or in conflict with those closest to them? I bet we all could think of at least one person in history who made a significant contribution to society but who left a wake of hurt in their personal relationships and/or was depressed, addicted, and even suicidal. It is likely that these people did not have enough skills in interpersonal relationships and dealing with emotion, even though they were what society defines as “successful”.

Our children are watching and learning how we handle interpersonal interactions every day. Therefore, they need us to develop OUR ability to handle conflict well, to give and receive love, and to deal with our own emotions effectively. Our schools have begun to teach these skills, but not nearly enough. Do not underestimate the amount they are observing and concluding just from witnessing you.

Ask yourself how you rate on the following statements:

I am actively engaged in learning how to be a better spouse, parent and/or friend.
I take responsibility for all relationship conflicts when they arise.
I recognize when I need support and am continually seeking help.
I read/listen to something instructional or inspirational for at least 30 minutes each day.
I acknowledge my feelings, express them appropriately, and decide what’s the best course of action.

I’m suggesting you spend as much time and effort on yourself as you do on your children because BOTH of you benefit – you’ll have a better relationship with their other parent, your kids will be watching positive and healthy interactions, and you’ll feel calmer and better able to handle what life throws at you. Success in sports and academics is not the be-all end-all for our children. Success in relationships (intimate, familial, collegiate) will have a tremendous impact on your future adult-child’s happiness and success in life, for we are humans who live in community and need one another.

Navigating the Blurred Lines of Step Parenting

November 15, 2016 by admin in Remarriage, Uncategorized | Comments Off

by Debby Derioan, Student-Therapist under the Supervision of Meredith Keller, LPC, ACS

Our culture has shown us only two possible extremes for being a step parent—effortless as in the Brady family from TV or torturous as in the wicked stepmother. Who doesn’t recall The Brady Bunch—the iconic television example of the happy couple who easily blended their two families? Sure, they had some small problems along the way, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed in under a half hour. On the reverse side of that, fantasy in children’s fairy tales and movies portrays the evil stepmother. Yet somewhere in the middle of these two extremes lies the reality.

The reality is: step parenting is hard, takes time, and the stresses can challenge even the strongest of relationships. But, with a lot of love, compromise and communication, you can find the middle ground that will keep your relationship strong and your blended family together. So, how do we walk that fine line that represents the middle ground?

Make sure your expectations of step parenting are realistic.
Communicate with you partner and set your protectiveness to the side.
Be on the same team as your partner.

First, false expectations can set us up for disaster! Most of us dream about getting remarried and starting a new life with that false vision from TV. It is easy to think we will love a stepchild just as much as our biological children. After all, we deeply love their parent. And, of course, we hope and expect they will love us in return.

It is important to remember that developing a blended family is a slow progression. Developing a relationship with a stepchild takes time as well and a good dose of patience. Remember that a biological parent begins their bond with their child from the day they enter the world, and regardless of the age of a stepchild, you are starting behind to build a relationship. In addition, loyalty issues children have toward their other biological parent that may inhibit them from wanting to get to close to you. Or perhaps there will be jealousy because they’ve had their parent to themselves for a while, and they feel threatened by having to now share him or her with someone else. Heading into step parenting with realistic expectations of the time and patience it will take to develop a new family unit and a good relationship with your stepchildren will go a long way in easing the pressure you will likely feel for an instant love and bond.

Communication with your partner on this subject is crucial! This subject can be especially touchy between partners. As parents, our instinct is to protect and defend our children. So often, this could lead to defensiveness when discussing discipline or a conflictual conversation with your partner regarding the children. A conflictual conversation can then lead to the sense that the child is being prioritized over our partner. While our child needs will often come first, it is possible to balance that with our partner’s needs if it is being discussed with open and honest communication. Listening to understand is key. Feeling heard and understood can ease a lot of the defensiveness and allow for more constructive conversations about touchy topics.

Be on the same team and work together with your partner to navigate the difficulties you may run into in the day-to-day duties of step parenting. When it comes to parenting a stepchild, roles can be very fuzzy, not clearly discussed in advance, and not necessarily agreed upon. For example, can a step parent feel comfortable with discipline if it’s not their biological child? Perhaps you and your partner want to divide roles following the rule ‘your child, you make the decisions and handle all discipline’; or perhaps you want to truly co-parent and both are responsible for all children regardless who is a biological parent and who is a step parent. There is no right or wrong answer, and each couple must decide what works best for them. The key is for you and your partner to be on the same page regarding roles and other aspects of parenting. Be on the lookout for the tendency to automatically defend ‘your’ child and instead make every attempt to stay united with your partner.

It’s by being realistic, communicating, and parenting together that you’ll have the best chance of creating a healthy blended family.

If you are having trouble navigating the complexities of a blended family, we can help teach you strategies like these. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment. Doing it sooner rather than later could save you years of unnecessary hassle and make your current relationship stronger than ever.

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