My Mother Turns 75 This Month: How the family plans to express our appreciation of her

November 2, 2015 by admin in Events, Family, Giving Thanks, Holidays, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Mom On Carousel

My brother, sister and I are throwing a party in her honor. As fun as it will be connecting with family and friends, there’s one aspect of her birthday celebration I’m most excited about: a scrapbook of notes from those who love her and photos of them with her. When I realized this scrapbook is really about the appreciation people feel for my mother, I decided to share this with my followers. This coincides nicely with Thanksgiving approaching because it’s typically the time of year when we reflect on that which we’re grateful for. I’ll tell you how we’re doing it and it may inspire you to do the same for your loved one.

We mailed out blank white cards for people to use if they wish and instructed them to mail them to me (with a photo, if they can find one) in advance of the party. Then I’ve been sliding the notes and photos into the sheets of the book. It’s not fancy but the love and appreciation that it contains is astounding. I’ve been surprised and touched by what I’ve received.

For one, my cousin sent me an old photo I don’t remember ever seeing: It’s my mother age 6 or so riding a horse on a carousel. She’s in her 1940’s Sunday best and smiling from ear to ear. The photo is adorable, nostalgic, and touching. My heart was overcome with fondness to think of my cousins and aunt and uncle making time to find that old photo for this project.

Also, beautiful, funny and sentimental notes are arriving. They’ve described their appreciation for my mother helping their aging or ill parent AND just how much that meant to them. One person wrote about her gratitude when my mother sat with HER during a recovery. A former neighbor wrote about how his wife looked forward to walking to my mother’s house to retrieve items they picked up for each other on their last trip to the grocery store and looked forward to the companionship. My note is about how I admire my mother’s sense of adventure. She was and, to a lesser extent now, is always up for an outing, a social event, or going to the beach or the mountains. I love that about her and I’m sure it’s part of what made me in the person I’ve become: willing to explore, be active and to try new things.

I’m so excited to present the book of gratitude (and love) to her at the party. She’ll briefly look through it that day but I imagine the true scope of the book will reveal itself later when she has quiet time at home to savor each note. She’ll take in all the words of love and appreciation people feel for her, but so rarely express. This is true for most of us: we hardly make the time to tell those we love or admire how we feel about them. We have busy lives. We’re doing THINGS but not making time to connect with others.

I hope you’re considering doing something like this for your loved one even if the relationship isn’t always wonderful. My mother’s and my relationship certainly isn’t. We’ve had, and continue to have, our share of ups and downs, disagreements, misunderstandings and hurts. Yet the process of compiling this book has reminded me of the value of expressing the positives we do feel.

Here’s how you can create something similar.
• Purchase a scrapbook that contains clear sheets you can slide things into
• Ask friends and family if they’d be willing to write a brief note about the person you have in mind
• Give them ideas of what to write about (a fond or hilarious memory, something they appreciate or admire about this person, or words of love)
• Ask them to include a photo if possible
• Instruct them as to how to get the notes and photos to you
• Slide them into the scrapbook pages & use photo safe tape to hold the photos in place
• Present the completed book to your loved one
• Allow them to look through the book privately if they prefer

November is a great time to reflect on what we’re thankful for, including the people in our lives. May you find a way to express to those you love exactly what you love about them.

Old Hurts: How Being Mindful Can Help You Move Past Them

October 27, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

There are many people who think that their past doesn’t have any influence on them today. They may feel this way because their childhood was years or decades ago, or perhaps because they’ve created a different life for themselves now. Others might discount the importance of their childhood on their present because they no longer live with their parents or may have told themselves they moved beyond it. However, it is not accurate to believe our past is completely in the past. Why? Because our crucial development took place in childhood and hurts or events from our past can have a negative influence on our current relationships without us even being aware of it.

Our brains, how we think, feel, and behave, were largely being formed between birth and our teenage years. More development continued into adulthood, but the majority of our learning and molding occurred in childhood. During these early years, we learned basic, crucial life skills, like trusting others, exploring our world, coming to know ourselves, being competent, having concern for others, and learning to be in close relationships. If we had deep or repeated hurts during this time, it left a scar on us emotionally and may have prevented us from fully learning certain skills or completing certain developmental tasks. Our purpose here is not to blame our parents. They probably did the best they knew how to do at the time. Instead, the reason for looking back to our past is to determine how past hurts are showing up in the present day and learn to move beyond them.

Being mindful can move us beyond past hurts. Mindfulness means being aware of what is happening inside of you in the present: right here and right now. When we are not mindful, we are reacting. Reacting happens when you do or say what your initial impulse is, often without even being aware of what you’re doing or saying.

When we are not mindful, our past hurts can creep into present day situations and influence how we see and react to things. How do you know the present situation is colored by your past? It’s when you freak out or shut down or otherwise feel very unsettled where others around you remain calm. In your intimate relationship, these are the areas that deeply upset you.

Here’s an example of how childhood hurts can crop up, and how being mindful can help you release painful feelings, move on, and improve your relationship.

Imagine two married women were talking (not difficult to imagine, I’m sure). One women casually mentioned that her husband was planning to golf all day that coming weekend. The other was surprised to hear that her friend was okay with that. She certainly wouldn’t be okay with her husband doing the same thing!! She wondered to herself, “How can she be all right with her husband making those plans?!” The surprised feeling was a clue that imagining her partner’s absence for the day was touching on something from her past. It was a trigger for her: her past was intermingling with present day circumstances. Her usual reaction when her husband planned all day outings was to get very upset with him. Without thinking, she would accuse him of doing something wrong. “How can you even think of planning a day of fun and relaxation for yourself and not consider me!?” He would say “It’s not a big deal! I’ll be home by 4:00 and I’ll be home all the next day! You want me around ALL the time. You’re so demanding!” They would end up in a big argument.

When she chooses to be mindful instead of just reacting angrily, the outcome can be very different. Being mindful is slowing down, noticing what’s occurring inside of you, and choosing a different reaction. In this scenario, when her husband made plans the woman actually had to stop herself from accusing her husband. In fact, she couldn’t talk to him at the moment those feelings came up because she would have reacted angrily. Instead of reacting, she paid close attention to the thoughts in her head. She realized she was telling herself, “He should want to be home with me and the kids on weekends. What right does he have to go out and have fun all day? He doesn’t really want to be with us. He doesn’t truly care about us.”

Remember: she didn’t say these thoughts – that would have been reacting/doing. She did nothing on the outside. She asked herself what she was feeling. Feelings are one word each. She felt jealous, rejected, angry, and lonely. Next, she connected it to the past. It came to mind that being home on weekends with her father when she was a girl felt similar, somehow. He was home but unavailable to her because he was working on his model train hobby for hours each day. They had no interaction. She didn’t know it at the time, but she felt lonely as a child.

Now back to the present: even though the circumstances weren’t exactly the same, there was a link between past and present. Naming the feelings and coming to know she felt lonely allowed her to make this connection. What did she do with these feelings? She did exactly the right thing. She ‘sat’ with them. She allowed herself to feel them, even though it is difficult and painful to feel jealousy, rejection and loneliness. She let them come up as opposed to trying to stuff them down. She noticed where they appeared in her body instead of distracting herself from them (by blaming and accusing her husband). She sat and experienced them until they subsided.

She was mindful in the sense that she decided to become curious about herself. Rather than doing or saying anything in the moment, she went inside of herself to explore what was coming up. Instead of telling herself that her husband was the cause of her anger, she made the conscious choice to see what was inside of her that was the source of her anger. It turns out that imaging that her husband was going out was just the trigger that touched on the past hurt.

Now here’s the next big step: deliberately choosing to have a different reaction. In this case, the woman decided to find a new way to react to her husband’s plans to leave the house. Now that she realized that it was loneliness underneath the upset, she could find a better way to get the loneliness soothed. She asked for two things: a hug right then and for time together when he got home. This was a HUGE shift because she moved away from blaming him. She stopped making him out to be the bad guy. She now could see that him going out golfing for a day wasn’t abusive or neglectful. She could remember that there were, indeed, many other times that he made plans to be with her and many other times when he reached out to hold her when they were home. She came to know that her initial upset had much more to do with what she experienced in childhood than it had to do with her husband going out.

Amazingly, because she recognized and could ask CALMLY for what she really wanted, her husband WANTED to be home with her more. I see this often in my work with couples: as one partner becomes calmer, the other partner is drawn to be with them. A shift in one spouse brings about a positive shift in the other spouse. Not necessarily right away, but over time, partners inch closer to one another.

Being mindful is the key to getting relationship problems resolved. In every moment with your partner, you have the ability to be curious about yourself and make a conscious choice to act differently. This is what brings about change in your life. Being mindful means you stop and notice what’s going on inside of yourself BEFORE doing anything. Being curious about yourself and deciding to do things differently will bring about healing for you AND will enable you to get your needs met. As you do things better in the present, you are leaving past hurts behind. You will begin to create the marriage you’ve always longed for: loving, supportive, and a safe haven for you both.

Maintaining a happy, healthy, long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Date Night Ideas

October 6, 2014 by admin in Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Do you have a date night but are getting bored with dinner and a movie? Here are some fun ideas to keep you in connection with each other.

Go to an arcade or boardwalk and play those games with each other that you haven’t played since you were dating: skee ball, air hockey, PacMan.
On a map of a state or country you’ve lived or traveled, highlight all the towns and sites you visited together. Bring your map to a coffee house and reminisce together.
After the kids have gone to bed, dust off photo albums containing pictures of when your relationship first began. Spread a blanket on the living room floor and pour over them.
Keep affection alive in your marriage by making time for non-sexual touch: a back massage, foot massage, cuddling, or holding hands in public.
Hire a chef to come to your home, cook a full meal, serve it to you, and do all the cleanup. Enjoy time with each other and not have to lift a finger or drive home.
Listen to music from your teenage years or download a routine from your favorite comedian and go parking at a scenic spot.

Hurt By Hearsay? How Therapy Rebuilds Your Sense of Safety

September 29, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Gossip – sometimes it seems we’re surrounded by it. We hear it all the time. It glares at us from nearly every grocery store headline. Have you seen so-and-so’s new haircut? What was he/she thinking? And what about those two? Can you believe they did that?!

On the surface, gossiping can seem like harmless, idle chatter. It goes on all the time – and not just on the newsstands. I’m sure we’ve all been in a situation where the conversation turned to pointing out the flaws or misfortunes of others behind their backs. But think twice before you chime in – gossiping about someone else can hurt YOU, in ways you may not even suspect. Believe it or not, gossiping about others leads to unease, insecurity, and even to deciding not to trust anyone ever again.

Initially, sharing negative information about someone else can make you feel close to the person you’re talking to. But, deep down you know that he/she has the capability to talk hurtfully about you when you’re not around. The temporary closeness you feel is not true intimacy. In fact, there’s very little closeness here. Being genuinely connected to another person involves each person sharing their feelings ABOUT THEMSELVES, not feelings they have about another person. If this is the way your family communicated when you were growing up, it’s likely you rarely had a sense of relationships being safe and trustworthy.

And don’t forget the flip side of gossip. Sadly, almost all of us have had some time in our life when WE were the one who was being talked about. Think back to how you felt: mildly embarrassed, completely betrayed, hurt, humiliated, mortified? Whether we are the one doing the talking or the one being talked about, gossip chips away at our sense of trust, safety, comfort, and security.

If you find it hard to trust that others won’t turn on you, or if you have ever been betrayed or gossiped about, it can be a huge relief to talk to a therapist who is bound by law to keep sessions confidential . For some, the experience of safety and trust they feel with their therapist is quite new. Not only are therapists bound by law to do this, we also WANT to keep what you say confidential. We want to give you the experience of feeling secure and knowing that you will not be mocked, made fun of, or talked negatively about for something you said, did, or thought.

Once you feel this genuine security that therapy can provide, you can begin to open up. Finally, there is someone you can share your inner world with. What a relief to talk about the thoughts you have rarely, if ever, verbalized! Your therapist will be there for you to share the feelings you really feel about people and situations. But this is not done with the intention of bad-mouthing someone else. Instead, it is done with the intention of learning about yourself and why that person triggers an intense reaction in you. As a result, you will learn to handle these situations better in the future.

Feeling safe to finally open up to someone again is both powerful and beautiful. It sets the stage for you to put an end to feelings of insecurity, to learn to banish toxic talk, and to learn to trust again.

Don’t you deserve to create this type of relationship for yourself again?

What Your Therapist Won’t Say: Keeping it Confidential

September 8, 2014 by admin in Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Can you keep a secret? For many people, keeping something confidential can be quite difficult. Think back – was there ever a time when someone confided in you and you had a hard time keeping it private? Or how about a time when you trusted a close friend or family member with a secret of your own, only to discover that your secret had been revealed? Having your confidences exposed in this way can be devastating. It can leave you feeling embarrassed, hurt, and betrayed. Sadly, some people make the decision not to trust anyone ever again. That decision may leave you feeling protected, but you also end up feeling isolated. Therapy offers you the chance to try trusting again. Because your confidences are protected legally and ethically, anything you discuss with your therapist will stay between you. Your secrets ARE safe here and this is very valuable and healing on many different levels.

When you begin therapy here at Couples Therapy Center of NJ you will sign a ‘Consent to Treat’ form. This simple form spells out the legal mandate regarding patient confidentiality – but in reality, it is much more. Client confidentiality is not simply an ethical and legal mandate, but it is an emotional pact you are making with your therapist. This pact has VAST healing potential in and of itself and lays the foundation of trust which your relationship with your therapist is built upon. From here, your sense of safety will grow and your healing can begin.

For some of you, this confidentiality clause marks the first time someone has agreed to keep private what you tell him/her and you know they will actually do it! This is not just because your therapist is bound ethically and legally to keep your confidences, but also because your therapist WANTS to protect your privacy. Your therapist here at Couples Therapy Center of NJ knows that you deserve to feel safe and protected. So many of us have not had that in our past.

A good therapist truly longs to help you and to give you new, positive experiences of being in relationships. Keeping your confidences is one way to do that. There ARE people in the world who are safe and trustworthy and we want to be that person for you. It’s possible that your therapist here may even be the FIRST person in your world you grow to trust and feel safe with.

The safety and trust you begin to develop with your therapist will also touch you on a deeper level. It’s not just that your therapist will keep what you tell her/him private, but that she/he will still accept you, even knowing about your deeper thoughts and feelings. If you’re like most people, you have things about yourself that you don’t like or accept. Most people feel shame or embarrassment about some aspect of their emotional world, their thoughts and fantasies, or their bodies. When we feel shame, we tend to keep those parts of ourselves hidden from the world because we’re convinced that others won’t like them either. We believe that others would reject us if they knew certain things about us.

Many times we don’t feel safe telling someone else what is going on inside of us because we fear we’ll be mocked or talked about. We may not even feel comfortable telling our spouse! Instead of letting our true self shine through, we put up a façade and show others little of our true selves. Therapy gives us a chance to share our real self, slowly, step by step.

With a therapist, one can slowly test the waters. You can tell your therapist one smaller aspect about yourself to see how the therapist reacts. When your therapist reacts with calm and understanding, you will learn that this part of you is accepted by another. It’s a huge relief to be accepted by someone who comes to know you more deeply. Now these areas of shame inside can begin to heal. The confidentiality, safety, and trust between a client/couple and therapist can start the healing process. From this beginning, couples will grow and heal until they, too, create a cocoon of safety and trust where they can share their innermost selves with one another.

Maintaining a happy, healthy long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Wow! My spouse can be just like my mother/father! How did that happen?

July 28, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Have you ever been going about your daily life, when suddenly something your spouse says or does is so reminiscent of what your mother or father once said or did, you can hardly believe it? It can be quite surprising – and sometimes unsettling – to see certain traits of your parents in your spouse!

The positive traits are understandable. It makes sense that we would choose to be with someone who has some of the same positive characteristics of our parents. On the other hand, the negative traits can be disturbing.

By traits, I mean certain aspects of a person’s character that define who they are most of the time, including in times of crisis. Some positive traits that you might have seen in your parents – and your spouse – are warmth, bravery, trustworthiness, gentleness, confidence, tolerance, fairness, lending support, being dependable, generous, hardworking and loving. It seems natural that we would choose to be with someone who has the same positive traits as our parents because we grew up with those things and those parts felt good.

On the other hand, when you see the negative traits of your parents reflected in your spouse it can be very upsetting. Examples of negative traits include being inflexible, fearful, sneaky, grumpy, attacking, stingy, impatient, intrusive and, at the extreme, neglectful or abusive. We may wonder, “Why didn’t I see that BEFORE we got married?” “How could I have chosen someone who says or does things my parent(s) used to do that I hated?” Or even, “How did this happen?”

Like everyone, your spouse has both positive and negative traits. Of course, many of his/her traits are quite different from your parent’s. However, in this article, we’re talking about the traits that are the same. You were unconsciously drawn to a person with the same traits as your parents because they were familiar. This is what you grew up with. This is what you know.

The contact you had (or didn’t have) with your parents was your first experience with being in a relationship. From that, you learned how people behave. You learned this on both a conscious level (meaning you know this) and an unconscious level (meaning you aren’t aware of this but it’s affecting your life anyway). Later in our lives, when we find a person with similar traits, we tend to gravitate towards them because we learned that that’s just how people behave.

It’s shocking to consider that you unconsciously chose to be with a person because they have one or more of the same negative traits you grew up with. This didn’t happen because you wanted it to, it happened because this is what you learned a relationship feels like.

A good example of this is a woman who keeps getting involved with men who are unavailable. She hates that she falls in love with men who are this way. It doesn’t make sense to her until she gains insight into herself and considers that her mother was absent. (It doesn’t matter if it’s the same sex or opposite sex parent.) Being in a relationship with someone who isn’t around or isn’t emotionally available is familiar to her. She may not like it, but it’s what she knows and what she has gravitated towards.

The good news here is that once we learn the things our unconscious is drawing us to, we can change them. We can decide with the conscious, knowing part of our brain to begin to do things differently. Changing this part of yourself may mean deliberately dating someone different next time or finally learning how to deal effectively with your spouse who has this trait.

The first step to making this change is awareness. Write down all the positive and negative traits of your parents or caregivers. Next, write down all the traits of your current or past partners and look for similarities. As a child, you just had to cope with, or survive living with, the negative traits of your parents. As an adult, you can learn to deal effectively with people who have these same traits. You don’t have to live stuck in a time warp!

If this insight intrigues you, call us. Helping clients to gain insight and do things differently is exactly what the therapists and coaches here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey do every day. We can help you make positive changes so that you can stop blindly repeating what doesn’t feel right.

Get a Grip: How to Keep Emotional Reactions From Hurting Your Marriage

July 7, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Events, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Your emotions have a huge impact on your marriage. Whether your reaction to these emotions is to show them on the outside OR to keep outside of your awareness, your reaction might be driving your partner away. After many times of reacting similarly, a pattern sets in. This pattern may be a big contributor to the difficulties in your marriage.

People react differently when they have an emotion inside. Some people are overreactors and some are underreactors. An overreactor is very obvious. When they’re emotionally triggered by something, they can react with their body. They might clench their fists or jaw, stomp around, point, or stand up to appear bigger. You can see their emotions in their face: anger, sadness, crying, or disappointment. They can also react with their voice by yelling, raging, cursing, using sarcasm, bemoaning, complaining, or non-stop talking.

An underreactor is trickier to see. These people tend to shut down and close off from others. They may not even know they are feeling anything. Underreactors may leave the room or the house, curl up their shoulders, go off to bed, or turn to some distraction like the computer. It might show up if they say very little, are silent, or speak quietly. Often you can hardly tell by their face that anything is going on because there’s hardly any change in their expression. Many times you can hardly tell that an underreactor is having any feeling at all because they hardly show it. They’re just as upset on the inside as an overreactor; it’s just that it isn’t evident on the outside.

Your emotion (or what looks like your lack of emotion) is deeply affecting your spouse. You are so closely connected to your spouse, even if you currently feel distant, that your spouse can pick up on your feelings. And it DOES affect us to be in the presence of someone who feels angry, sad, or disappointed. Unless your spouse can stay calm and connected to you, your spouse likely has difficulty with your emotion and your reaction to your emotion. So, when you have a painful feeling, your spouse reacts to it.

Whether your spouse is an underreactor or overreactor will determine just how your spouse reacts to your emotion. Now, the two of you are experiencing painful emotions and reacting to them. For most couples in conflict or with great distance between them, this pattern is a big problem in and of itself.

All humans have emotions. We definitely have emotions when it comes to our spouse because we are so connected to this person. Rather than continuing to freak out OR to shut down:

Stop and think before you overreact or underreact.
Notice what it is you are feeling.
Think about how you would like to react instead that will not cause a secondary problem.
Reach out to talk to someone who supports your marriage and will help you sort through things.

This skill ALONE will have a profound effect on your spouse and everyone around you. Plus it’s your duty as an adult to know how to handle yourself and your emotional reaction to what life throws your way. You’re going to continue to have feelings about life’s events. Here at the Couples Therapy Center, we teach people what to do with their emotions: how to identify them, how emotions are showing up in your body as tension or illness, AND how to react to them in a way that keeps your relationship intact! Taking these steps can go a long way to achieving a stronger, more peaceful relationship. Here, you’ll learn the skills needed to stop overreacting or underreacting. Once you learn to react appropriately to all that life throws your way, you’ll find more peace and harmony both in your life and with your spouse.

To schedule an appointment to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

The FIRST Step in Getting What You Want

June 30, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Events, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

When I first talk to clients about how to set goals I am always met with strange looks and disbelief. The conversation usually begins with people telling me what’s not going well in their lives, what’s difficult for them, or what they have too much or too little of. I always ask them, “What do you want instead?” Often, just naming what they do want is a stretch for people.

I ask them to describe to me, being specific and using plenty of detail, what they want. I hear things like, “I want to trust my spouse again.” “ I want to land a great job.” And “I want my kids to listen to me.” We then take these statements and make them a lot more specific.

For example, “I want to trust my spouse again” becomes “I want to feel calm and loved when my spouse is talking to or texting someone I don’t know.” “I want to land a great job” becomes “I want to be offered a job in my career with a great salary and benefits in a city I want to be in doing what I love to do.” “I want my kids to listen to me” becomes “I want my kids to hear my directions and calmly, directly follow through with what I just asked.”

Now come the strange looks and disbelief: I instruct clients to put that same statement in the present tense. Say it and write it as if it’s happening NOW – even if it isn’t. Why is this important? Because what we tell ourselves unfolds in our lives. So, if your goals are stated in the future tense, they will remain in the future. You will always be striving or longing for them. Those goals now become “I DO feel calm and loved when my spouse is talking or texting someone I don’t know. “I AM offered a job in my career with a great salary and benefits in a city I want to be in doing what I love to do.” “My kids HEAR my directions and they calmly, directly follow through with what I just asked.”

Go ahead and write your own goals down. They can be about any area of your life. Make them specific, positive, and in the PRESENT (as if they are already happening). It may feel awkward because you’re writing things that haven’t happened yet. My response to that is that it’s okay to feel awkward. There’s no harm in doing it anyway. Then, put the goals away someplace special. You can choose to read them again if you wish, but you don’t have to: the power of goal setting is that you have first created in your mind what you long for in your world. Everything we do and have was first created in our mind. This exercise does that for you.

Goal setting in this way is EXTREMELY POWERFUL, even though it appears benign and inconsequential. Write your own goals down today. Then, be patient and watchful for clues and you’ll see them unfolding in your life!

Of course you will still take action on these goals: many small steps taken one at a time. But you’ve done the most basic and important piece first by setting out for yourself exactly where you’re headed! When you know where you’re headed, you are SO much more likely to get there.

To learn more or schedule an appointment call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Don’t Let a Lack of Fun Lead to an Infidelity

June 23, 2014 by admin in Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Has your relationship been going just fine, but every so often you realize the two of you don’t have much fun together anymore? This might seem like no big deal, but be warned: this can set the stage for infidelity.

As life and responsibilities get in the way, many couples inadvertently put their relationship on the back burner. While you may be managing the other aspects of your life pretty well, it’s all too easy to lose sight of the love, fun and laughter you once shared. But without fun and shared laughter, your relationship can weaken. The years can pass by like this almost without realizing it. If then, your spouse (or you!) happen(s) to meet someone else, that longing for stimulating conversation, playful banter, and sexual eroticism can be activated and can lead to an affair. Many affairs happen because the opportunity presented itself at a time when the primary relationship was weakened, but not in crisis yet. Don’t let this happen to the two of you. Don’t lose sight of just how vital fun and laughter are to the health of your relationship.

So, how do you bring fun back into your relationship? How can you strengthen and deepen your connection with joy and shared laughter? A good place to start is to think back to your early romance. What did you used to enjoy doing as a couple when you first got together?

Think about the fun activities you once shared.

Did the two of you participate in or attend sporting events together?
Do you share a love of music – either playing or listening together?
Did you have fun traveling together, either to far-off places or to places closer to home?
Did you enjoy eating out together, either at a favorite spot, or trying new restaurants and cuisines?
Did you enjoy picnicking in a romantic spot or perhaps even cooking together to create a delicious meal?
Did you enjoy working on projects together for a shared sense of accomplishment?
Did you enjoy spending active time together outdoors or relaxing together indoors playing cards or board games?

Make it a point to spend time together, just the two of you, doing some of the things that initially brought you a sense of partnership and pleasure in your early romance. Or, do something new together. This can help you rediscover just how much fun your partner can be. Sharing laugher, reminiscing and making new memories can help keep your marriage strong and is just plain FUN.

To learn more, visit us atwww.couplestherapycenterofnj.com, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

What Makes Your Therapist Tick?

June 16, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

When people learn that I’m a therapist, they often ask me how I can spend all day listening to other people’s problems. Many people imagine that my job is very difficult and draining. For some people it might be, but it’s not that way for me. I do this job because I love it. I was drawn to doing this type of work and it’s perfect for me. Why?

Because I notice people and their relationships. I can feel what they’re feeling. I can feel their painful feelings and I know how to help them feel better. I may be in a restaurant and notice a couple at another table who haven’t said more than two words to each other the whole meal. I can see the discouragement and disconnection on their faces. The passion and excitement is gone and I feel for them.

I notice how couples talk to one another. I recognize the small jabs they take at each other as criticisms disguised as jokes . I can feel how much it hurts them to be criticized by their partners and have to be ‘on guard’ in front of them. I also hear some couples’ constant bickering. It’s almost as if their only way to communicate is to argue or debate over every little thing. There’s a tension that goes along with always debating with someone. People who are always challenged don’t feel free to say what they’re really thinking for fear that their partner will take issue with it.

People tell me about their compelling need to check up on their spouse: reading their texts or emails and looking at their call log for evidence that their love is elsewhere. It is so unsettling not to be able to trust your spouse, who is the person you love most in the world and who is supposed to love you back.

I also see couples who spend most of their free time apart. Their interests lie outside of their marriage to the point that they hardly do anything fun and enjoyable together as a couple. I feel the loneliness and distance they feel in their marriage.

And then there’s divorce. Divorce is so painful. There is so much loss. There is the loss of the life you built together, the loss of the dreams you shared for your future, the loss of the person you once were deeply in love with, the loss of friends and the loss of your partner’s family. There is the financial setback as well, which includes the astronomical cost of the divorce proceedings and the cost of running a household with no other adult. There is the impact on the kids to consider. Divorce can feel devastating for children who long for their parents to be together or who feel caught in the middle of warring parents. Kids can feel uncertain and anxious after their world has been turned upside down. Kids feel the grief and sadness of their family breaking apart. Many people think things are going to be better once they divorce. In reality, it can take years to recover and feel okay again.

If you see yourself in what I’ve described, I want you to know that I feel what you feel. I can help you. I know that it doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to continue to feel these things. I know how to help with these problems. In fact, I love helping people with these problems and knowing that I’ve been part of their recovery process!

I give you the understanding and empathy you have been longing for. I give you the information that you need about how to deal with your difficult feelings and how to be a better spouse. We talk about what you want in your life and how you can take steps to get it. To finally get it! My work is so rewarding in this way. That’s why I do what I do. And it’s not just me. Here at the Couples Therapy Center, I have very carefully selected therapists who are similar to me in their ability to be understanding, empathetic, to feel what others feel, to have the same outlook on clients and know how to help them as I do.

To schedule an appointment call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

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