Defining Imago: What It Is and How It Can Improve Your Relationship

Welcome to the Power Struggle.  This is a normal stage of marriage, but it certainly doesn’t feel normal.  In fact, it feels awful.

All of us want love and attention.  When we received these things from our spouse early in the relationship it felt wonderful.  Now we find ourselves feeling hurt and angry.  In response, we do what we used to do as children to get love and attention: yell, scream, withdraw, and pout.  The power struggle is a cry for connection.  It occurs, in part, because we are doing what we know how to do in order to get love and attention.  Ironically, doing these things gets us the opposite of what we want.  Although we long for connection, we are unconsciously sabotaging ourselves from getting it.

As adults, we need to find new ways to get the love, attention, and connection we desire.  Imago Relationship Therapy helps us accomplish this by teaching couples to use language as a tool of connection and by helping couples reconnect in fun and meaningful ways.

Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt created Imago out of their therapeutic work with couples and work on their own relationship. Their book, Getting The Love You Want, details this process and is a New York Times bestseller.

Imago therapy teaches couples to choose words with the intention of connecting with their spouse.  “Connection,” in this case, means talking openly about ourselves with our partner and listening when they talk openly about themselves.  The marriage is a safe place.  It is safe because both partners seek to understand each other in an environment free of blame, shame, and criticism.  We feel connected to our spouse, we have their attention, and we feel loved.

In my work with couples, I help them create a loving and connected relationship by:

• Defining their ideal relationship
• Getting into the habit of appreciating one another and noticing what’s going well
• Choosing words with the purpose of increasing connection
• Learning to truly listen to their partner and step into his/her shoes
• Finding the caring and empathy they had for one another when they first got together
• Making time for fun and sexual connection so spending time together is pleasurable
• Approaching and resolving conflict as a team working for the benefit of the marriage.

Couples can awaken the love and closeness they used to feel for one another.  As Cindy Ricardo, a wise, fellow Imago therapist wrote, “Imago: Create the relationship of your dreams.”

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074 or email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com