Inspire Your Kids To Love The Sports You Love

November 21, 2014 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Families loving sports When we first had children, we wanted to get them involved with skiing, but wondered how we could pass our love of the sport along to them. After all, how do you explain to any beginner that spending most of the day trying (with some, but not much, success) will indeed pay off when they’re experts? How do you explain to them that this learning process will take not just days or weeks but years to master? How do you convince them that the fun and excitement to be had will make them feel fully alive like nothing else on Earth? There are several key concepts that can help you encourage your children to love what you love and they can be applied to any sport, hobby or whatever you are passionate about. Here, we’re using skiing as an example, but these same concepts can be used to help share YOUR passion with your children. Here’s how to inspire children…

#1 – Make it fun. Your children are beginners and don’t yet know the fun that awaits them up on top of the mountain. We need to make the shuffling on flat beginner terrain – actually the whole experience- fun for them. If that includes time spent climbing piles of snow outside the lodge and then sliding down on cafeteria trays, let them. True, the cost per run ratio is pretty poor at that moment, but you are allowing them to find joy in simply being on the hill. It will come, in good time, that they’ll find as much joy actually doing the sport. At this early stage, shoot for a fun experience.

#2 – Have patience and understanding for your child’s developmental stage. Starting around age 18 months, children are working on exploring their world. Their task at this stage is trying something, maybe succeeding or failing, looking for whether you are around and paying attention, and then trying again. Expect any new activity to be touch and go. Their behavior will not be goal directed: they are simply exploring and curious about what the outcome may be. You may plan to get a certain number of runs in, but for kids this age, that’s not where their brain is at.
Later, during early childhood, they want to emulate you. Be the model for what you’d like them to become. If you’re on a snowboard, don’t be surprised when they say they want to do that. On the other hand, if you drop them off at the base lodge, then drive into town for a big breakfast and shopping, they’ll ask to go. So, be aware of what you’re modeling for your kids because surely they’ll want to do that too.

One thing that is consistent throughout all developmental stages is their wish for your attention and approval, no matter whether they’re ‘succeeding’ or not. Our children desperately want us to notice them and be pleased by their exploration and emulation of us. Be ‘around’ for them, notice them, and delight in whichever developmental stage they’re at.

#3 – Watch your language. I’m not talking about swearing. Notice what you say about skiing, whether your comments be related to the gear, the weather, the traveling, the expense, or the terrain. Kids listen to everything we say, even when it seems as if they’re not. Over time, our way of thinking becomes theirs, especially at the younger ages. The reason is that neuropathways are being created in a child’s developing brain. When they hear, or see, the same behavior from us again and again, their brains ‘learn’ this way of thinking. So, if we complain again and again about carrying all the heavy gear, eventually they will too.

#4 – No matter how technical your ability is, have a professional teach your kids. This was a difficult one for us. We’ve been skiing for years; we know how to carry our skis properly, stand up from falling, initiate turns, et cetera. The expense of hiring someone else to teach what we were perfectly capable of teaching was a hard pill to swallow. What we weren’t capable of doing was keeping our emotions under control. Most kids act differently (read: better) for most anyone who is not their parent. Teaching our own loved ones can be exasperating. One moment things are fine and next thing you know, you’re one of those parents you swore you’d never be: yelling at your kids on the slopes. Now, no one’s having fun AND you’re paying for this whole miserable experience! Delegate the teaching, no matter how proficient you are, to a neutral 3rd party instructor (who, by the way, is also an expert at dealing with young children’s antics.)

#5 – Go to places that cater to young children. It’s not about you anymore. We chose a smaller hill as our home mountain when we moved the family back East because of their excellent children’s programs, not because of the mountain’s acreage or vertical rise.

#6 – Connect your children with other kids doing the same activity. It’s not realistic to think that any kid over the age of 8 would want to ski with their parents. They’d rather be with friends (which is developmentally normal). Whether you sign them up for ski school with their friend OR you find a season-long program where they ski with the same kids and the same coach every day, have them be with their peers. Skiing, like most sports, is a social endeavor as much as an athletic one. They’ll be so much more eager to go there when they have social connections on the hill.

You can inspire your children to love your sport or hobby as much as you do. But it takes countless instances of you being understanding of their developmental needs and setting them up for success. Becoming proficient at a new activity or hobby can take many years. When they develop a love for it, the reward will pay off for them for decades. And, one day they will want to ski with you again -perhaps when they become parents themselves and can appreciate all the hard work and investment you gave to get them there. And if you see them doing the same things for their own children that you once did for them, you’ll know that you did, indeed, inspire them.
Developing good relationships with your kids can be challenging, especially with all the pressures in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried family counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We are experts in building healthy relationships – of all types. We serve families and adolescents in addition to couples. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Most people wait months, even years, before coming in. Instead, reach out to us to start making positive changes today.

Focus on Family: Showing Love By Listening

March 17, 2014 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Listening shows children we love them. As parents, we listen to our kids by paying attention to the words they are saying and by repeating back to them what we’ve heard them say. In Imago Therapy, this is called “mirroring.” Parents do this by saying, “What I heard you say was…” Parents can also help by remarking on what the child has said that makes sense to them. Listening, repeating, and understanding helps kids feel valued by their parents. There are times this is all that’s needed to help your child cope with something challenging.

As a parent myself, I have witnessed firsthand how listening and mirroring has helped my child. Once on vacation, my daughter wanted us to buy her a hermit crab after her friend got one. My first thought was, “Oh no, not another pet to clean up after.” I held that thought inside of me and said to my daughter and husband, “Let’s talk together about it tomorrow.” On our drive out of town, we took turns talking. My husband began by saying his thoughts. Then my daughter stated why she wanted a hermit crab: “We could buy it colored rocks and all we’d have to do is feed it. I REALLY, REALLY want one.” I mirrored her by saying, “I know you REALLY, REALLY want a hermit crab. I heard you say we could buy it colored rocks and all we would have to do is give it food. Did I get it?” She responded “Yes.” She added more and I mirrored that too. When it was my turn I told her that I understood her wish because I liked having a hermit crab as a pet when I was a child. Soon, we were onto a different subject. A few days passed. My husband and I realized that she hadn’t mentioned the hermit crab again. We were amazed because she had been so adamant! We were further amazed when she saw the friend with the hermit crab again and made no further mention of her wish for one as a pet.

What I realized was this: my daughter had felt heard and understood. And that was enough. By choosing not to say anything at first, I gave her the “space” to fully tell us how she saw things. She felt loved by us in this way. The content of her wish (wanting the hermit crab) wasn’t nearly as important as the process of being listened to. All children want their parents’ love and attention more than they want any material thing. Just as you do with your spouse, give your child the gift of being truly heard.

To schedule an appointment to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Focus on Family: How To Get Kids Motivated

April 3, 2012 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

It’s a beautiful spring day, but instead of spending it outside your child has been sitting in front of the TV for hours.
You know your child is smart but he/she only puts forth minimal effort and doesn’t seem to care about schoolwork and getting into college.
Getting your child to do his/her chores had become such a battle that lately you just do them yourself – it’s so much easier.

You’ve tried everything to motivate your kids but nothing seems to work. You’ve asked nicely, you’ve demanded, you’ve threatened and you’ve punished but it’s either the same old battle or you’ve just given up.

The good news here is that things CAN change. Kids can develop new ways of acting. Even habits that have been in place for years can be unlearned and replaced by new habits. Make no mistake, it takes a lot of patience, optimism, and commitment on the part of the parents, but the rewards are well worth it. In my personal experience, introducing something new in my household is initially met with resistance. It can take several weeks, months, or even up to a year before the new habit is in place and it can feel like a long haul until we get there. Often, we feel tired out; tired of working on it and tired of having to find energy and resolve especially when:

it’s late at night
we’re stressed about something else
the family is hungry or irritable
the adults could do it faster themselves.

We have to call forth strength to continue to help our kids get motivated, but it IS possible.

Positive reward motivates kids very effectively. Think about what motivates adults to go to work: the paycheck, the benefits, or the feelings of importance and contribution to the world. For each of us it’s different.

What would motivate your child to do what you ask? What does your child light up over? What have you seen your child go through substantial effort to get? Here are some possibilities:

use of electronics: TV, phone, computer, video games, texting
spending time together: doing the activity WITH YOU
time with friends
gifts: money, small trinkets/candy, large items that are earned over time
recognition and praise: words of acknowledgment, posting the achievement on the fridge or framing it for the living room wall

As your child’s needs and interests change, so will the things that motivate him/her. Keep your eye out for new motivators. Here are two that worked with my kids at different ages.

When my daughter asked for her first phone, it felt way too early for us to get her one. But then it dawned on us that this could be a major motivator. We agreed that if she got certain grades or above, we’d get her a phone. In order for her to keep it, she needed to maintain those grades. It worked: we found ourselves at the phone store two days after the first report card came home. She felt proud of what she had accomplished and we were relieved we no longer had to remind her to do her homework daily. It wasn’t a perfect fix (she still needs gentle reminders from time to time) but the battling has stopped.

My son is younger. We struggled to get him to be responsible with chores like making his bed, brushing his teeth, wiping the sink when he’s done, and scooping the cat litter. When we noticed that he was regularly asking us for cash to buy gum or soda – and he was stoked when we gave him as little as a dollar- we decided to tie the two together. When he did all his chores, he earned $1 that day. Because he was younger and needed a more immediate reward we chose something he got right away rather than something that would take him a few months to earn. At first his tasks weren’t done perfectly: making the bed looked more like pulling the covers up in a haphazard fashion! But we settled for that because we wanted him to get used to the new routine and feel successful. As he got older, we guided him to do a better job. And as he continues to get older, we add new tasks and increase the reward to match.

Another powerful motivator is the idea of doing tasks together. When your kids want your time and attention this works well. Begin by doing a task with them so it’s enjoyable rather than boring. If you want your child to:

get up from the TV and go outside, offer to play catch or take a walk with him.
read, go to a bookstore and choose a book you’ll BOTH read (aloud or concurrently) and then talk about it.
cook one dinner a week, start by choosing a recipe and cooking it together.

Over time, a new habit will form. You’ll be able to give your child more and more independence and the new behavior will become routine.

To learn more about how to motivate your child, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.

Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Focus on Family: Keeping Your Cool With The Kids

March 21, 2012 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Have you ever felt so frustrated at your kids that you’ve reacted in ways you NEVER thought you would? Have you done things like:

screamed your head off at them?
hit them and then felt terrible afterwards?
said things to them in anger that you didn’t really mean?
found yourself thinking, “This is not the kind of parent I ever thought I’d be?”

In today’s hectic world many parents are under a lot of stress and, as a result, there are times when they overreact to their children. Because we’re so close to those we love, our loved ones sometimes end up getting the bulk of our anger/discontent, even when they aren’t the cause of it. But you can learn to manage your emotions about life so that you don’t take things out on your kids.

It’s not uncommon for parents to be upset or preoccupied about one thing when something else the kids do or say pushes them over the edge. It may be totally unrelated to what’s going on, but the next thing you know, your unsettled emotions are spilling over onto your kids.

Let’s say you’re stressed about work. You have an important project and the deadline is getting closer and closer. Your boss is breathing down your neck and the client is putting more and more pressure on you. You’re concerned and maxed out. You come home and before you know it you are yelling at your teen for something he/she did. Many times it’s about something that started out relatively small, like your teen eating junk food before dinner or not turning off the TV when you tell her to.

In that moment, or later, you realize that you overreacted and took your emotions out on your child. You feel regretful and know that isn’t the kind of parent you want to be. So, how do you become the loving parent that you’d like to be; the parent who is a fun companion when it’s appropriate and a caring disciplinarian when it’s needed? You do this by becoming more aware of what’s going on inside yourself. Turn your attention inward and become aware of what you’ve been feeling by asking yourself:

Am I overreacting to something relatively minor?
Am I preoccupied with a concern that’s unrelated to my kids?
What’s been on my mind, and in my heart, recently?
Was my child’s action or lack of action the final straw for me today?
How can I take care of my own needs so that I don’t take things out on my child/children?

As parents, it’s crucial that we be mindful of ourselves or we can end up inadvertently dumping our anger or stress out onto our kids. We need to make sure we’re not releasing emotion on them that’s really about something else. Our kids are going to do things that are irritating and bothersome. However, we can become more loving parents,by asking, “How can I do a better job of taking care of my needs so that I don’t take my own stress out on my child/children?”

In order to find out better ways to handle your emotions, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Share Your Passion: Teach Your Children To Love What You Love

January 14, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

What is it you love to do? Are you passionate about a sport, hobby, career or music? As parents, we want our kids to love the same things we do. We want them to experience the same joy we experience. Is there a way to make this happen? Can we teach our children to share our passion for something?

It’s likely that you know someone with his/her own passion who has been unable to get his/her kids involved. Maybe the child refuses to try. Or maybe the child participates, and even excels, at something the parents love, but doesn’t really feel any passion for it him/herself. The child might only participate because he/she has been pressured into it or feels it’s one way to get attention and praise.

That’s not what we want for our children. We expose them to the sport or hobby we are passionate about with good intentions: to share our excitement and joy with them. We long for them to feel the same enthusiasm that we do. We want them to incorporate this into their lives as they grow into adulthood. And naturally, we want them to excel at it, to go beyond the limits we reached ourselves.

We cultivate in our children a love for something by making it fun for them. We can do this by ensuring that there’s no pressure to perform or excel in competition. We can help them enjoy the learning process and teach them it’s okay to make mistakes. We should allow kids to experience our hobby the way that they naturally do, even though this might not necessarily be our way. It’s important to put aside your own agenda and goals. Really notice what your kids are experiencing and respond:

Is your child relaxed and laughing? Great, continue.
Is your child getting stressed or tense? Ask them what help they need and do your best to give it to them.
Does your child need a break? Then, by all means, take a break! This is not a race or competition.

Your goal at this early stage isn’t to develop her/him into a world class athlete or musician. Your goal is to grow your child’s love for this activity.

If teaching your child has been challenging at times, hire someone else to teach him/her. Enroll your child in a class or program with other children the same age. You don’t have to be the teacher, you only have to expose your child to it and make it a fun experience.

To make things fun for your children, you must also be connected with them. When I say connect with your child, I’m talking about sharing in his/her small accomplishments with enthusiasm, not criticism. Don’t focus on what needs to be done differently. You want them to feel happy, curious, and eager to try. Here’s how to connect with your child’s learning experience:

Notice and comment on times your child is trying his/her best.
Give praise when a task is performed correctly.
Do the activity yourself so you can model how much happiness this brings you.
Attend and watch practices and performance.
Don’t check email while you are there.
Don’t just drop off and pick up.

Showing interest in your child’s learning experience will show him/her your love for this endeavor and will also show your love for him/her.

To learn how to grow your child’s interests without pushing them too hard, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Focus On Family: Children Need Affection

October 18, 2011 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

We love our children deeply, in a way that is difficult to measure. Much of our time is spent caring for them, thinking of them, teaching them, and helping them grow. Since we invest so much of our time, thoughts and caring in our children, most parents would probably say, “Of course my child knows I love him/her.” But how often do we really express our love and affection to our children?

This month, I’ll focus on one important way of expressing love for our children: appropriate physical affection.

A parent can show affection to their child in many ways, including Read More

Focus on Family: Allowing Children What They Need

November 11, 2010 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

What do our kids really need to grow up to be healthy and successful? There is a lot of pressure for kids to excel in school and at test taking, to join numerous extra-curricular activities, and from themes in the media to be advanced, and even sexy. In the past, I’ve touched on some of the things children need, including love, attention, affection, to be heard, and to be disciplined with respect. My focus now is on noticing what your kids are telling you they need. Read More

Focus on Family: New Habit For The New School Year

September 11, 2010 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Each new school year brings with it a fresh start for you and your family. I would like you to consider a habit that will have a positive effect on your child’s success; eat dinner as a family most nights of the week. This simple act of sharing a meal brings countless rewards for children. It builds relationships within your family and builds your child’s self-esteem. These two ingredients make for a child who is successful academically, socially, and physically. Read More

Focus On Family: Showing Love By Listening

July 9, 2010 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Listening shows children we love them. As parents, we listen to our kids by paying attention to the words they are saying and by repeating back to them what we’ve heard them say . In Imago Therapy, this is called “mirroring”. Parents do this by saying, “What I heard you say was…” Parents can also help by remarking on what the child has said that makes sense to them. Listening, repeating, and understanding helps kids feel valued by their parents. There are times this is all that’s needed to help your child cope with something challenging. Read More

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