Hurt By Hearsay? How Therapy Rebuilds Your Sense of Safety

September 29, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Gossip – sometimes it seems we’re surrounded by it. We hear it all the time. It glares at us from nearly every grocery store headline. Have you seen so-and-so’s new haircut? What was he/she thinking? And what about those two? Can you believe they did that?!

On the surface, gossiping can seem like harmless, idle chatter. It goes on all the time – and not just on the newsstands. I’m sure we’ve all been in a situation where the conversation turned to pointing out the flaws or misfortunes of others behind their backs. But think twice before you chime in – gossiping about someone else can hurt YOU, in ways you may not even suspect. Believe it or not, gossiping about others leads to unease, insecurity, and even to deciding not to trust anyone ever again.

Initially, sharing negative information about someone else can make you feel close to the person you’re talking to. But, deep down you know that he/she has the capability to talk hurtfully about you when you’re not around. The temporary closeness you feel is not true intimacy. In fact, there’s very little closeness here. Being genuinely connected to another person involves each person sharing their feelings ABOUT THEMSELVES, not feelings they have about another person. If this is the way your family communicated when you were growing up, it’s likely you rarely had a sense of relationships being safe and trustworthy.

And don’t forget the flip side of gossip. Sadly, almost all of us have had some time in our life when WE were the one who was being talked about. Think back to how you felt: mildly embarrassed, completely betrayed, hurt, humiliated, mortified? Whether we are the one doing the talking or the one being talked about, gossip chips away at our sense of trust, safety, comfort, and security.

If you find it hard to trust that others won’t turn on you, or if you have ever been betrayed or gossiped about, it can be a huge relief to talk to a therapist who is bound by law to keep sessions confidential . For some, the experience of safety and trust they feel with their therapist is quite new. Not only are therapists bound by law to do this, we also WANT to keep what you say confidential. We want to give you the experience of feeling secure and knowing that you will not be mocked, made fun of, or talked negatively about for something you said, did, or thought.

Once you feel this genuine security that therapy can provide, you can begin to open up. Finally, there is someone you can share your inner world with. What a relief to talk about the thoughts you have rarely, if ever, verbalized! Your therapist will be there for you to share the feelings you really feel about people and situations. But this is not done with the intention of bad-mouthing someone else. Instead, it is done with the intention of learning about yourself and why that person triggers an intense reaction in you. As a result, you will learn to handle these situations better in the future.

Feeling safe to finally open up to someone again is both powerful and beautiful. It sets the stage for you to put an end to feelings of insecurity, to learn to banish toxic talk, and to learn to trust again.

Don’t you deserve to create this type of relationship for yourself again?

Maintaining a happy, healthy, long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Words Are Crucial: How Speaking Your Unfiltered Thoughts Could Be Impacting Your Relationship

August 11, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Words have so much power. Depending on how we use them, words have the power to inspire, to hurt, or to heal. Notice what you say to your partner. Are you saying words that support and inspire your spouse? Are you using words that soothe and heal him/her? Or are you using words that criticize or shame your partner?

We often fail to consider the impact that our words have on others because we spend so much time talking. We think that our words don’t really matter, or won’t have much of an effect on anyone else. The rationale is, “I talk all day. Each thing I say doesn’t really have that much of an impact on others.” Put that together with the fact that most people are poor listeners and it’s easy to convince ourselves that our words won’t have a very big impact on someone else’s life. However, this is not true. Our words DO make a difference to others.

Think back to a specific childhood memory. Try to recall an instance when you were with a teacher, a parent, a friend, a sibling, or a bully. Can you recall exactly what that person said to you? Chances are, you can. Now notice the feelings you have in connection to that incident. Do you remember feeling loved, encouraged, threatened, or demeaned? Often, we can remember exactly what someone said to us years, or even decades later, because it had an emotional impact on us. The words that person chose to speak at that time served to inspire, hurt, or heal us.

The words you use now have this same power. The people in your life can feel touched by your supportive words. They can be healed by your loving words. By the same token, they can feel demeaned or hurt by your critical words. That’s why it’s so important that you think about what you say to your partner. Which type of words do you use most with your spouse? It’s important for you to realize that the way you talk to your spouse IS impacting him/her – even if he/she tries not to let you see it. If you look carefully, you might notice a slight smile or see their body relax when you speak words of caring. Or you might see their brow crease or body tense when you speak words of judgment.

Here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey, we teach couples and individuals to be more aware of the words they use. We can show you how to choose your words with deliberation and care so that they will have a positive impact on your relationship. We want you to pick your words knowing full well that they will affect the person you love. We want to help you learn to choose the words that will bring those you love closer rather than drive them away. The words you choose have the power to inspire, to hurt or to heal. Which ones are you choosing? Call or email us. We can set up a time to chat so that you can become more aware of how your words might be impacting the most important relationship of your life. Working with us will help you learn when to filter your thoughts and when to speak your mind so that your words will help and heal your relationship, rather than harm it.

Maintaining a happy, healthy long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Get a Grip: How to Keep Emotional Reactions From Hurting Your Marriage

July 7, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Events, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Your emotions have a huge impact on your marriage. Whether your reaction to these emotions is to show them on the outside OR to keep outside of your awareness, your reaction might be driving your partner away. After many times of reacting similarly, a pattern sets in. This pattern may be a big contributor to the difficulties in your marriage.

People react differently when they have an emotion inside. Some people are overreactors and some are underreactors. An overreactor is very obvious. When they’re emotionally triggered by something, they can react with their body. They might clench their fists or jaw, stomp around, point, or stand up to appear bigger. You can see their emotions in their face: anger, sadness, crying, or disappointment. They can also react with their voice by yelling, raging, cursing, using sarcasm, bemoaning, complaining, or non-stop talking.

An underreactor is trickier to see. These people tend to shut down and close off from others. They may not even know they are feeling anything. Underreactors may leave the room or the house, curl up their shoulders, go off to bed, or turn to some distraction like the computer. It might show up if they say very little, are silent, or speak quietly. Often you can hardly tell by their face that anything is going on because there’s hardly any change in their expression. Many times you can hardly tell that an underreactor is having any feeling at all because they hardly show it. They’re just as upset on the inside as an overreactor; it’s just that it isn’t evident on the outside.

Your emotion (or what looks like your lack of emotion) is deeply affecting your spouse. You are so closely connected to your spouse, even if you currently feel distant, that your spouse can pick up on your feelings. And it DOES affect us to be in the presence of someone who feels angry, sad, or disappointed. Unless your spouse can stay calm and connected to you, your spouse likely has difficulty with your emotion and your reaction to your emotion. So, when you have a painful feeling, your spouse reacts to it.

Whether your spouse is an underreactor or overreactor will determine just how your spouse reacts to your emotion. Now, the two of you are experiencing painful emotions and reacting to them. For most couples in conflict or with great distance between them, this pattern is a big problem in and of itself.

All humans have emotions. We definitely have emotions when it comes to our spouse because we are so connected to this person. Rather than continuing to freak out OR to shut down:

Stop and think before you overreact or underreact.
Notice what it is you are feeling.
Think about how you would like to react instead that will not cause a secondary problem.
Reach out to talk to someone who supports your marriage and will help you sort through things.

This skill ALONE will have a profound effect on your spouse and everyone around you. Plus it’s your duty as an adult to know how to handle yourself and your emotional reaction to what life throws your way. You’re going to continue to have feelings about life’s events. Here at the Couples Therapy Center, we teach people what to do with their emotions: how to identify them, how emotions are showing up in your body as tension or illness, AND how to react to them in a way that keeps your relationship intact! Taking these steps can go a long way to achieving a stronger, more peaceful relationship. Here, you’ll learn the skills needed to stop overreacting or underreacting. Once you learn to react appropriately to all that life throws your way, you’ll find more peace and harmony both in your life and with your spouse.

To schedule an appointment to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Don’t Let a Lack of Fun Lead to an Infidelity

June 23, 2014 by admin in Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Has your relationship been going just fine, but every so often you realize the two of you don’t have much fun together anymore? This might seem like no big deal, but be warned: this can set the stage for infidelity.

As life and responsibilities get in the way, many couples inadvertently put their relationship on the back burner. While you may be managing the other aspects of your life pretty well, it’s all too easy to lose sight of the love, fun and laughter you once shared. But without fun and shared laughter, your relationship can weaken. The years can pass by like this almost without realizing it. If then, your spouse (or you!) happen(s) to meet someone else, that longing for stimulating conversation, playful banter, and sexual eroticism can be activated and can lead to an affair. Many affairs happen because the opportunity presented itself at a time when the primary relationship was weakened, but not in crisis yet. Don’t let this happen to the two of you. Don’t lose sight of just how vital fun and laughter are to the health of your relationship.

So, how do you bring fun back into your relationship? How can you strengthen and deepen your connection with joy and shared laughter? A good place to start is to think back to your early romance. What did you used to enjoy doing as a couple when you first got together?

Think about the fun activities you once shared.

Did the two of you participate in or attend sporting events together?
Do you share a love of music – either playing or listening together?
Did you have fun traveling together, either to far-off places or to places closer to home?
Did you enjoy eating out together, either at a favorite spot, or trying new restaurants and cuisines?
Did you enjoy picnicking in a romantic spot or perhaps even cooking together to create a delicious meal?
Did you enjoy working on projects together for a shared sense of accomplishment?
Did you enjoy spending active time together outdoors or relaxing together indoors playing cards or board games?

Make it a point to spend time together, just the two of you, doing some of the things that initially brought you a sense of partnership and pleasure in your early romance. Or, do something new together. This can help you rediscover just how much fun your partner can be. Sharing laugher, reminiscing and making new memories can help keep your marriage strong and is just plain FUN.

To learn more, visit us atwww.couplestherapycenterofnj.com, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

What Makes Your Therapist Tick?

June 16, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

When people learn that I’m a therapist, they often ask me how I can spend all day listening to other people’s problems. Many people imagine that my job is very difficult and draining. For some people it might be, but it’s not that way for me. I do this job because I love it. I was drawn to doing this type of work and it’s perfect for me. Why?

Because I notice people and their relationships. I can feel what they’re feeling. I can feel their painful feelings and I know how to help them feel better. I may be in a restaurant and notice a couple at another table who haven’t said more than two words to each other the whole meal. I can see the discouragement and disconnection on their faces. The passion and excitement is gone and I feel for them.

I notice how couples talk to one another. I recognize the small jabs they take at each other as criticisms disguised as jokes . I can feel how much it hurts them to be criticized by their partners and have to be ‘on guard’ in front of them. I also hear some couples’ constant bickering. It’s almost as if their only way to communicate is to argue or debate over every little thing. There’s a tension that goes along with always debating with someone. People who are always challenged don’t feel free to say what they’re really thinking for fear that their partner will take issue with it.

People tell me about their compelling need to check up on their spouse: reading their texts or emails and looking at their call log for evidence that their love is elsewhere. It is so unsettling not to be able to trust your spouse, who is the person you love most in the world and who is supposed to love you back.

I also see couples who spend most of their free time apart. Their interests lie outside of their marriage to the point that they hardly do anything fun and enjoyable together as a couple. I feel the loneliness and distance they feel in their marriage.

And then there’s divorce. Divorce is so painful. There is so much loss. There is the loss of the life you built together, the loss of the dreams you shared for your future, the loss of the person you once were deeply in love with, the loss of friends and the loss of your partner’s family. There is the financial setback as well, which includes the astronomical cost of the divorce proceedings and the cost of running a household with no other adult. There is the impact on the kids to consider. Divorce can feel devastating for children who long for their parents to be together or who feel caught in the middle of warring parents. Kids can feel uncertain and anxious after their world has been turned upside down. Kids feel the grief and sadness of their family breaking apart. Many people think things are going to be better once they divorce. In reality, it can take years to recover and feel okay again.

If you see yourself in what I’ve described, I want you to know that I feel what you feel. I can help you. I know that it doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to continue to feel these things. I know how to help with these problems. In fact, I love helping people with these problems and knowing that I’ve been part of their recovery process!

I give you the understanding and empathy you have been longing for. I give you the information that you need about how to deal with your difficult feelings and how to be a better spouse. We talk about what you want in your life and how you can take steps to get it. To finally get it! My work is so rewarding in this way. That’s why I do what I do. And it’s not just me. Here at the Couples Therapy Center, I have very carefully selected therapists who are similar to me in their ability to be understanding, empathetic, to feel what others feel, to have the same outlook on clients and know how to help them as I do.

To schedule an appointment call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Containing Our Emotions: When It’s Helpful To Hold Back

June 9, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I usually write about allowing our feelings to be felt, to be talked about, and to be shown. Today, I’ve been thinking about the opposite: containing them – and how to know when to do what!
Containing our emotions means to hold back how we’re feeling from someone else. It’s what we do when we know something’s going on inside of us because we have strong emotions about something, but we choose not to let it show on the outside. We deliberately decide not to say anything. We choose to stay quiet. We limit what our face expresses by refraining from rolling our eyes or frowning. We still our body and do not shrug our shoulders, cross our arms, or tap our feet.

Why would we want to do this? We do it to create safety for another person. Let’s say your spouse comes home with a scowl on his face. You’ve known him for a long time, you’re certain he is angry about something and you hope to God it’s not you! In the past, you may have had an emotional reaction to seeing him like this. Maybe it made you curious and you went into interrogation-mode. Maybe you felt frustrated with a long-standing pattern of him scowling and it made you want to roll your eyes in a “there-he-goes-again” sort of way. Maybe you felt scared that he was angry with you and you tried to assuage him by making a joke or offering him something to eat. Maybe your fear of his look made you want to get away: go upstairs, call a friend, do something with the kids – anything! – just to avoid him.

To hold back your emotions means that you keep whatever you’re feeling from showing on the outside. In this case, the wife wouldn’t question her spouse, mock him with or without words, offer him food (or a drink!), or run away from him. Instead, she would notice (with her mind) what she feels and what she has the impulse to do. She would make a mental note of what’s going on inside of her without talking out loud. A mini-light bulb goes off inside her head: “Oh, I’m feeling ______ when he comes home like that!” Then she makes a deliberate decision to keep the feeling from showing with words, a look on her face, a move of her body, or an action she takes.

Containing our emotions from our married partner is an important tool that great relationships have. It’s a valuable tool that comes in handy in some situations, but not all. Just as a hammer is great for putting a nail in the wall but not for screwing in a screw, this is a relationship tool that works great when it’s needed.

How do we know when containment is what’s needed? Containment is needed when we want to create a space for our spouse to open up about him/herself, to work something through, or to get out what’s going on with him/her. It can work especially well when our spouse is hurting or ashamed. At those times, questioning is the last thing most people want. When you contain your feelings (because you see your spouse has a difficult feeling that needs to be worked out), you are doing something important for your partner. Rather than add your feelings to what your spouse is already going through, you keep things separate. Your emotions stay separate from his. This separation gives your spouse the space and time to experience, work though, or talk about what the scowl is about. It creates in your home and your relationship a safety for each spouse to have whatever feeling they have without having to worry about their partner’s reaction to it. It’s hard enough to feel hurt, lonely, discouraged, or hopeless without having to deal with your partner’s feelings about your feelings. It gets complicated, quick! And those kinds of complications set the stage for arguments and feeling misunderstood.

You can ask to talk about your own reactions or feelings at a later time, after your spouse has worked it through or calmed down. But, for now, respect that your spouse is allowed to have his/her feelings. Sit and listen if your partner will talk or give him/her space if that’s what he/she wants: all with the intention of making your relationship a safe place for you both to turn when you need love and comfort.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment, call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Stopping Triangulation: How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Involving a Third Person in Your Problems

June 2, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Most of my clients have some kind of challenge in their relationships with others. The struggle may be with a spouse, a friend, a family member, a co-worker, a child, a neighbor, or a landlord. No matter who the struggle is with, we often discuss what someone else said or did and how my client felt hurt or angry about it during our sessions. When we dig deeper, many times I find that a big part of the problem is triangulation. Triangulation is when a third person gets involved in a conflict. It might feel good temporarily, but it will hurt you in the long run.

Think of an imaginary triangle of three people. An issue may come up between two of them: maybe something one person said or did that upset the other. Triangulation occurs when one of the two individuals involved in the issue ‘invites’ a third person into the debate or argument. By ‘invite’ I mean talks to the third person about the individual they have the issue with or talks about the issue itself. The original issue has little or nothing to do with the third person! The problem here is when we use this as a way to vent our feelings.

This is what talking behind someone’s back is all about. Let’s say it starts when you take issue with what someone said. You then ‘invite’ a third person in by talking about it with them INSTEAD of talking directly to the person you had the issue with.

This feels good temporarily because it gives you a chance to vent your feelings and feel understood by someone else. And putting someone else down is a means of getting revenge.

Triangulation, however, is NOT helpful in the long run. It complicates the original problem because now another person’s thoughts and feelings are involved. More importantly, it denies us the means to solving the issue. The best way of solving an issue is talking directly to the person who hurt or angered us. So, what do you do instead?

First, realize who the issue is really with. Identify which two people the original debate, hurt or anger is between.

Second, don’t ‘invite’ a third person into the discussion (in other words, don’t triangulate). It is OK, and quite beneficial, if you do choose to talk to a very specific 3rd person: that person being your therapist. It is a therapist’s job to help you figure out your personal relationships. Talking to your therapist is different from triangulation because the therapist’s intention is to help you decide how you’re going to resolve the issue. Your therapist will offer you tools and ideas for solving the problem and your therapist will encourage you to talk directly to the person involved in order to get it worked through.

Are you not in therapy, but you can see how you triangulate? Sorting this out is one of the many benefits of being in a supportive therapy relationship. We are here to help you find solutions to your problems.

Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to find out how we can work with you to find tools and ideas that will help you productively work through the issues in your relationships.

What’s Your Limit? Find Out How Much Love, Success and Happiness You Can Handle and What’s Stopping You From Having MORE

May 19, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

I recently read a FABULOUS book that I’m eager to share with you. The title is, “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks and it’s chock full of new learnings that can have a profound influence on you. It certainly did for me. According to the book, there is only one thing that is holding you back from receiving more love, success, and money in your life. What do you think that one thing is? It’s the limit you’ve unconsciously created for yourself.

When asked that question, some people will think the thing holding them back is an external situation such as a dead end job or a limited amount of resources. For others, it’s blaming someone else’s faults for their own limitations, like a difficult boss or a shortcoming of your spouse’s. While these may seem like the things that are responsible for holding you back, according to Gay, they are not. What is actually holding you back is not something outside of yourself. It is not caused by your environment and it is not about those you associate with. In fact, and we know this as therapists, what holds each person back is his or her own beliefs – both conscious and unconscious.

Gay calls this the “Upper Limit Problem” and defines it as a glass ceiling you have created for yourself. This glass ceiling limits the quantity of love, success, and money in your life. You are used to living below this ceiling because you’ve done so for many years. Yet when life presents us with more than we are accustomed to and the quantity approaches this Upper Limit, we freak out and do something to sabotage the goodness presented to us.

We are not comfortable with MORE love, money and success than we’ve been used to having. When we sabotage, we do it unconsciously. Perhaps if we’re experiencing love and affection with our spouse as we approach the Upper Limit, we become uncomfortable and pick a fight.

This has happened to me. My husband and I were making the bed together, putting on brand new, very soft flannel sheets. I was delighted to think that in a few hours, we’d be climbing into the softness and comfort. I was also pleased that he and I were doing this task together. In a larger sense, we were working together for the greater good of our marriage and our family. Apparently it was too much goodness for me: rather than say aloud that I felt delighted and appreciative, I picked a fight about something else. Next thing I know, we’re arguing and I ruined a wonderful moment between us. And it happened so fast: I just reacted by picking the fight without thinking through what I was about to say and without noticing that I was feeling good. I had an unconscious reaction as I approached my Upper Limit of how much love I am used to. My Upper Limit Problem was that I stopped myself from receiving the love that was available to me. Unfortunately, many of us do this without realizing it.

Another example you may have heard about is lottery winners. Hendricks writes “One study found that over 60 percent of them had blown the money within two years and returned to the same net worth as before they won the lottery. Add to their financial woes the large number of divorces, family squabbles, and conflicts with friends that lottery winners often experience, and you have a classic example of the Upper Limit Problem at work.”

I also see the Upper Limit Problem with my clients in therapy when I ask them what it is they want in their lives. Often, after clients have talked about what is not going well for them or couples bemoan the state of their marriage, I ask people what they’d like instead. Many, many people don’t know. To use Hendricks’ wording, they are communicating to me, “Meredith, I don’t know what is above my Upper Limit because I’ve never let myself receive that much love, or success or money. I don’t even know what that much goodness would look like in my life.” We need to become aware of what upper limits we’ve set for ourselves so that we can break through our self-imposed glass ceilings and achieve greater happiness. How have you freaked out when more goodness, success or love came your way?

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

What Does It Mean To Love Your Spouse?

April 14, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

In my therapy practice I often hear married couples say, “We’ve fallen out of love” or “I’m not sure I love her/him anymore.” These statements are made with great sadness and a clear sense of hopelessness. The couples, who feel that the romantic love is gone from their relationships, begin to doubt the value of their marriages and question their choice of partners. This sense of doubt is strengthened by the messages society sends about our partner being our soul mate, “other half” or someone who completes us.

In reality, it is normal to experience different feelings for our partners as a marriage progresses. Feelings of caring can seem to fade; at times we may dislike or even hate someone we love. Although these feelings are upsetting and confusing, they are completely normal. In order to better understand them, it helps to clarify the definition of love. In spite of the impression conveyed by Hollywood and fairytales, love is not a feeling. “Falling in love” is not love, nor is needing someone or having someone need you. Love is not sacrificing yourself, being a martyr for someone else, always doing things for others or spending money on others.

What is love, then? Love is caring deeply about another person’s growth. According to M. Scott Peck, M.D., love is “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” Love is an action you take – something that you do- to nurture yourself or someone else. When a person is treated lovingly, they feel validated and cared for. Love grows from this nurturance. People do not grow when they are criticized, blamed or shamed. They grow when they are loved.

When we think about what it means to love our spouse, it helps to consider another question. How do we love someone? We love them through our actions: doing something with the purpose of nurturing his or her growth. The action might be temporarily putting aside the things that occupy us and focusing completely on our spouse so they feel attended to. The action might be to truly listen when they speak; hear their words, look at them, and respect their view, even when it differs from your own. The action might be spending time together, whether you are doing something your spouse enjoys or something you both enjoy. The action might simply be spending quiet time together while feeling connected, such as taking a walk, cuddling, sitting on a park bench next to one another, or spending time in spiritual worship.

In couples groups and private sessions, we teach partners a new way to act with love using the Imago dialogue. During the dialogue, each partner has time to talk while the other partner simply listens. The listener then confirms what she/he heard and offers a statement of understanding. The Imago dialogue is a form of love as a willful action. Its purpose is to nurture one another by attending to them lovingly.

Loving our spouse helps him/her grow toward the best he/she can be. As they grow, they are more likely to love us back in this same way. Love is action. Ultimately, the action of loving our spouse brings growth, intimacy and joy for both partners.

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

What Was THAT All About?! Why Your Partner is Freaking Out Over Nothing and What You Can Do About it

April 7, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Have you ever seen someone have a very strong reaction to something that seems minor? From your perspective, you’re wondering what the big deal is. Why are they getting so upset?

Of course, this happens all the time in marriages and other intimate relationships. We see our spouse “freak out” over something small. Often, we don’t even know what triggered their anger or upset. When one partner witnesses the other get upset about something that seems trivial, it can be very confusing. Many times, people in my office will tell me that their partner got very upset – and they had no idea why.

So, why ARE they getting so upset? It boils down to this – their apparent “overreaction” is actually 20% triggered by whatever just happened and 80% triggered by something from the upset person’s past. In other words, the incident that just occurred touched upon something deeper inside that person. It may have brought to the surface an old hurt that hasn’t been worked through fully. This old hurt could be something that happened earlier in the current relationship, during a former relationship, or during childhood. As gifted Imago Master Trainer, Maya Kollman M.A., taught me, “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”

This may help the witnessing partner to keep things in perspective. It’s likely that when you see someone very upset, her/his own past issue has been activated. Of course, the exception to this is if you did something to intentionally hurt your partner, or did something that was abusive, neglectful, or unacceptable to them. In these cases, the level of upset would be proportionate to the level of pain you inflicted and is quite different from what I’m discussing in this article. What I’m describing here are those times when a partner has intense reactions to minor events – where the reaction is way out of proportion to the actual incident.

So, how does knowing that the reaction may be rooted in the past help your relationship? What do you do when your partner is having a strong reaction to something that seems minor to you? Use the basic Imago tool of mirroring. With mirroring, you paraphrase your partner’s comments back to him/her. For example you would say, “I hear that you’re very angry that the dishwasher was loaded that way.” Mirroring is different from agreeing. Just because you reflect back what was said doesn’t mean you agree. OR, you may decide to acknowledge your 20% responsibility for the trigger by saying something like, “Yes, I did try to fit as much as I could in the dishwasher and the dishes didn’t come out clean.” When dealing with a very upset person, the most important role you can take is that of a calm witness and understanding presence. Try to stay with them through their upset (unless they are attacking or shaming you).

Realizing that they are not just reacting to the dishes, but also to something from their past that hasn’t been resolved yet will help you to remain a calm witness for them. In this example, perhaps your partner grew up in a filthy house and hated that filth because they felt uncared for. Having dishes come out of the dishwasher dirty would touch upon that historical hurt and cause a major reaction to a minor incident. Keeping the historical perspective in mind will help you to stop taking things so personally and help you begin to understand your partner better. Knowing the reaction was triggered by something out of your partner’s past will help you to stay calm and mirror your partner’s words. In turn, your unruffled presence and mirroring will have a calming effect. This is one more way we can show love to our partner.

To schedule an appointment or to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

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