What Does It Mean To Love Your Spouse?

April 14, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

In my therapy practice I often hear married couples say, “We’ve fallen out of love” or “I’m not sure I love her/him anymore.” These statements are made with great sadness and a clear sense of hopelessness. The couples, who feel that the romantic love is gone from their relationships, begin to doubt the value of their marriages and question their choice of partners. This sense of doubt is strengthened by the messages society sends about our partner being our soul mate, “other half” or someone who completes us.

In reality, it is normal to experience different feelings for our partners as a marriage progresses. Feelings of caring can seem to fade; at times we may dislike or even hate someone we love. Although these feelings are upsetting and confusing, they are completely normal. In order to better understand them, it helps to clarify the definition of love. In spite of the impression conveyed by Hollywood and fairytales, love is not a feeling. “Falling in love” is not love, nor is needing someone or having someone need you. Love is not sacrificing yourself, being a martyr for someone else, always doing things for others or spending money on others.

What is love, then? Love is caring deeply about another person’s growth. According to M. Scott Peck, M.D., love is “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” Love is an action you take – something that you do- to nurture yourself or someone else. When a person is treated lovingly, they feel validated and cared for. Love grows from this nurturance. People do not grow when they are criticized, blamed or shamed. They grow when they are loved.

When we think about what it means to love our spouse, it helps to consider another question. How do we love someone? We love them through our actions: doing something with the purpose of nurturing his or her growth. The action might be temporarily putting aside the things that occupy us and focusing completely on our spouse so they feel attended to. The action might be to truly listen when they speak; hear their words, look at them, and respect their view, even when it differs from your own. The action might be spending time together, whether you are doing something your spouse enjoys or something you both enjoy. The action might simply be spending quiet time together while feeling connected, such as taking a walk, cuddling, sitting on a park bench next to one another, or spending time in spiritual worship.

In couples groups and private sessions, we teach partners a new way to act with love using the Imago dialogue. During the dialogue, each partner has time to talk while the other partner simply listens. The listener then confirms what she/he heard and offers a statement of understanding. The Imago dialogue is a form of love as a willful action. Its purpose is to nurture one another by attending to them lovingly.

Loving our spouse helps him/her grow toward the best he/she can be. As they grow, they are more likely to love us back in this same way. Love is action. Ultimately, the action of loving our spouse brings growth, intimacy and joy for both partners.

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

What Was THAT All About?! Why Your Partner is Freaking Out Over Nothing and What You Can Do About it

April 7, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Have you ever seen someone have a very strong reaction to something that seems minor? From your perspective, you’re wondering what the big deal is. Why are they getting so upset?

Of course, this happens all the time in marriages and other intimate relationships. We see our spouse “freak out” over something small. Often, we don’t even know what triggered their anger or upset. When one partner witnesses the other get upset about something that seems trivial, it can be very confusing. Many times, people in my office will tell me that their partner got very upset – and they had no idea why.

So, why ARE they getting so upset? It boils down to this – their apparent “overreaction” is actually 20% triggered by whatever just happened and 80% triggered by something from the upset person’s past. In other words, the incident that just occurred touched upon something deeper inside that person. It may have brought to the surface an old hurt that hasn’t been worked through fully. This old hurt could be something that happened earlier in the current relationship, during a former relationship, or during childhood. As gifted Imago Master Trainer, Maya Kollman M.A., taught me, “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”

This may help the witnessing partner to keep things in perspective. It’s likely that when you see someone very upset, her/his own past issue has been activated. Of course, the exception to this is if you did something to intentionally hurt your partner, or did something that was abusive, neglectful, or unacceptable to them. In these cases, the level of upset would be proportionate to the level of pain you inflicted and is quite different from what I’m discussing in this article. What I’m describing here are those times when a partner has intense reactions to minor events – where the reaction is way out of proportion to the actual incident.

So, how does knowing that the reaction may be rooted in the past help your relationship? What do you do when your partner is having a strong reaction to something that seems minor to you? Use the basic Imago tool of mirroring. With mirroring, you paraphrase your partner’s comments back to him/her. For example you would say, “I hear that you’re very angry that the dishwasher was loaded that way.” Mirroring is different from agreeing. Just because you reflect back what was said doesn’t mean you agree. OR, you may decide to acknowledge your 20% responsibility for the trigger by saying something like, “Yes, I did try to fit as much as I could in the dishwasher and the dishes didn’t come out clean.” When dealing with a very upset person, the most important role you can take is that of a calm witness and understanding presence. Try to stay with them through their upset (unless they are attacking or shaming you).

Realizing that they are not just reacting to the dishes, but also to something from their past that hasn’t been resolved yet will help you to remain a calm witness for them. In this example, perhaps your partner grew up in a filthy house and hated that filth because they felt uncared for. Having dishes come out of the dishwasher dirty would touch upon that historical hurt and cause a major reaction to a minor incident. Keeping the historical perspective in mind will help you to stop taking things so personally and help you begin to understand your partner better. Knowing the reaction was triggered by something out of your partner’s past will help you to stay calm and mirror your partner’s words. In turn, your unruffled presence and mirroring will have a calming effect. This is one more way we can show love to our partner.

To schedule an appointment or to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Defining Imago: What is it and how can it improve your relationship?

March 28, 2014 by admin in Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Do you ever wonder if you married the wrong person? Are you sometimes frustrated that you can’t seem to discuss anything important without it escalating into an argument? Do you wonder why your partner changed from the person you fell in love with? Do you rarely have fun and laugh together anymore? Do you feel that, except for the children, your marriage was a mistake? If you answered yes to any of these questions, know that you are not alone.

You can probably recall the beginning of your relationship when you were in love. You may have noticed the relationship “just felt right” or you may have seen your new spouse as “the only one for me.” When these initial feelings subside, as they do in all marriages, it leaves us wondering what happened. In place of the fondness, we might feel angry, lonely, hurt, or sad. People react to this tremendous change any number of ways.

Some become angry, pleading, demanding or quiet. Others spend more time doing things without their spouse because they feel better elsewhere. We may view our spouse as our adversary and words become weapons. Resentments build. Some couples consider divorce. Welcome to the Power Struggle. This is a normal stage of marriage, but it certainly doesn’t feel normal. In fact, it feels awful.

All of us want love and attention. When we received these things from our spouse early in the relationship it felt wonderful. Now we find ourselves feeling hurt and angry. In response, we do what we used to do as children to get love and attention: yell, scream, withdraw, and pout. The power struggle is a cry for connection. It occurs, in part, because we are doing what we know how to do in order to get love and attention. Ironically, doing these things gets us the opposite of what we want. Although we long for connection, we are unconsciously sabotaging ourselves from getting it.

As adults, we need to find new ways to get the love, attention, and connection we desire. Imago Relationship Therapy helps us accomplish this by teaching couples to use language as a tool of connection and by helping couples reconnect in fun and meaningful ways.

Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt created Imago out of their therapeutic work with couples and work on their own relationship. Their book, Getting The Love You Want, details this process and is a New York Times bestseller.

Imago therapy teaches couples to choose words with the intention of connecting with their spouse. “Connection,” in this case, means talking openly about ourselves with our partner and listening when they talk openly about themselves. The marriage is a safe place. It is safe because both partners seek to understand each other in an environment free of blame, shame, and criticism. We feel connected to our spouse, we have their attention, and we feel loved.

In my work with couples, I help them create a loving and connected relationship by:

Defining their ideal relationship
Getting into the habit of appreciating one another and noticing what’s going well
Choosing words with the purpose of increasing connection
Learning to truly listen to their partner and step into his/her shoes
Finding the caring and empathy they had for one another when they first got together
Making time for fun and sexual connection so spending time together is pleasurable
Approaching and resolving conflict as a team working for the benefit of the marriage.

Couples can awaken the love and closeness they used to feel for one another. As Cindy Ricardo, a wise, fellow Imago therapist wrote, “Imago: Create the relationship of your dreams.”

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

How to Know if Your Relationship is Worth Working On

March 21, 2014 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Many couples come to us when they are experiencing difficulties and ask, “Is this relationship worth saving or are we just not a good match? Maybe my partner isn’t the ‘right’ person for me and I should just cut my losses now.” When things are difficult, it often feels like we made a mistake and married the wrong person. We sometimes think we’d be better off alone or with a ‘better’ partner. So – how do you know if your relationship is worth trying to save?

If you have kids together, the answer is usually yes – of course you should try to work it through. Your kids desperately need you and their other parent living together in harmony. Divorce is very painful and disruptive and you owe it to your kids to get these issues resolved. Plus, you must figure out how to get along even if your marriage does end in divorce because you’ll still need to parent together, to make decisions together, and to celebrate the child’s accomplishments together.

There are two other quick measures that can help gauge whether your relationship is worth saving:

1. If you felt intense attraction at the beginning of the romance, the two of you are a good Imago match.

According to Imago Relationship Therapy, you felt this intense attraction early in the relationship because your unconscious deliberately chose this person to give you the opportunity to finish your developmental growth. It is only in a marriage or a long-term relationship that we get this unique opportunity to learn and grow into wholeness. If you felt intense attraction when you were newly in love, in most cases it is worth trying to work through the difficulties.

Of course, it is important that we don’t allow ourselves to be abused or mistreated in the hope of completing our growth. Take for example, a woman who grew up with an alcoholic parent. As an adult, the woman keeps finding herself dating alcohol or drug abusers even though she hates this and desperately wants to attract a good partner. Is there an opportunity buried within this problem? Yes, there is. The woman can decide to work on becoming conscious about why she does what she does and she can develop new healthy ways of coping with people who exhibit the traits that abusers exemplify. However, it would be unhealthy for her to continue to live with the chaos, unpredictability, vagueness, lies, and violence that can also come with these relationships. People rarely grow under these conditions.

The second determining factor that’s a good measure of whether a relationship is worth saving is:

2. If both partners are willing to work on the relationship.

If both are willing to put in the effort to try to fix things (even major difficulties like affairs, mental illness, and addictions) the relationship is worth the effort. Any of these things can be worked through if BOTH partners are willing to:

gain insight into the issue.
understand how his/her partner feels.
resolve to make changes.

But don’t be fooled into thinking your partner isn’t willing to work on the relationship just because he/she isn’t willing to AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME. Your partner may need a little time to get to a place where he or she is ready to put in the work of repairing the relationship. An elderly couple I met in the Imago community of therapists told me that one reason their marriage lasted for decades is that neither of them wanted a divorce at the same time. It is natural for partners’ interest in improving things to vacillate and alternate. Their desire to work things out may not always be in sync, but this doesn’t mean they don’t (or won’t) both have an interest in making things better. As long as there’s no ongoing abuse, know that it could take your partner some time before he/she is ready.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.comor go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Relationships Are SO DIFFICULT At Times: Does It Mean We Chose The Wrong Partner?

March 10, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Woman Looking at a Man Sitting Beside Her

At times, your marriage brings joy and fulfillment. At other times, it can be full of frustration, conflict or boredom. During these difficult times, you may wonder, “Is this all there is?” or “Why is this so hard?” These thoughts or feelings can be especially discouraging when you compare this to a time earlier in your relationship when things felt wonderful. Rest assured – there is more to marriage. In fact, through these conflicts and difficult times you can grow to experience a hidden reward of marriage: it can help you grow into your whole self. That’s right; one reward of your unique partnership is that it can actually help you grow as an individual.

The early euphoria of the relationship, and the times of conflict in marriage, are often rooted in the same thing – aspects of our true selves that were lost to us during childhood. With our partner’s help we can recognize and recapture these lost qualities, grow as individuals and strengthen our marriage. Using the principles of Imago Relationship Therapy, we will begin by briefly describing how what we learn in childhood affects our marriage.
When we are born, our spirit becomes housed in our body. And our body has four ways of expressing our spirit to others: thinking, sensing (our bodily senses), feeling, and acting (moving our body and taking action). One duty of parenting is to help children develop all four of these areas of expression. A parent does this by noticing and encouraging a child to express him/her self by thinking, sensing, feeling, and acting. Unfortunately, many parents directly or indirectly discourage their child’s expression in one or more of these areas. When this happens repeatedly, these forms of expression can become lost to us. Each of us still has the capacity to think, sense, feel, and act, however, as children we may have learned that it’s not OK to express ourselves that way. We may have only developed the parts that our parents encouraged us to.

In adulthood, we become involved in committed relationships. During the first stage, the Romantic Stage, we feel wonderful, we feel loved, and we feel loving. Some of this attraction is because the other person has access to the parts of ourselves that are lost to us (and vice versa). For example, one partner may love the fact that his wife takes action and is accomplished because his “acting” is all or partially lost to him. At the same time, the wife may love that her husband is intellectual because her “thinking” is all or partially lost to her. Men and women in the early stages of love sometimes say, “He/she completes me”. This is because when we’re with our new partner, we have access to all four ways of expressing ourselves again. It is safe to experience thinking, sensing, feeling, and acting.

During the second stage of the relationship, the Power Struggle, conflicts enter our relationship and we feel hurt. We wonder, “What happened? Things used to feel so great.” We then revert back to what we learned in childhood: only using those parts which were approved of. In addition, we disapprove of our partner for using the means of expression that have been lost to us. Since using those forms of expression resulted in disapproval when we were children, we now disapprove of others who use them. As a result, you now hate the very thing that you used to love about him/her.

A committed relationship provides you with a unique opportunity to grow into your whole self. Your partner is inviting you (unwittingly) to regain the parts of yourself that were lost to you. First, your partner notices what is lost to you. He or she often presents it in a negative way. For example, when your partner may mutter, “Why are you so ditsy?”, he is noticing that “thinking” is lost to you. Your partner can also be the one to show you how to develop it. In this example, your partner may carefully think things through. He can be a model for how you can grow this lost part. Although no one likes to have shortcomings pointed out to them, these situations are actually opportunities to grow into an individual who is effective at using all four means of expression.

You may notice that your partner has already helped you grow as an individual. You may also notice that some areas have been more challenging for you or are hot buttons in your relationship. We are trained in helping individuals identify their lost parts, overcome obstacles, and grow into wholeness. Our therapists are skilled in assisting couples as they talk this out together in order to turn conflict into a growth opportunity.

Remember, your marriage is an opportunity for you to grow into all four ways of expressing your self and to be whole again.

To schedule an appointment to learn more about how feeling gratitude for your partner can greatly improve your relationship, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

What Many Wives Don’t Know About Sex

February 20, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Sex-in-Marriage Are you married to a loyal and loving partner who’s been asking you for more sex? Does the thought of more sex make you roll your eyes or leave you feeling completely uninspired? Often, in relationships, there are times when one partner has a higher sex drive than the other. In some cases, it is the woman who wants more intimacy in the bedroom, but many times, it is the man who is asking for more. There could be a deeper meaning underneath his wish that many wives don’t even consider: for true and caring men, sex can be the most important way they show and receive love.

For these men, sexual intimacy is their opportunity to be as close as possible to you. They may not show love as easily with words, gifts, or by doing things around the house. Instead, they may show their love sexually. They want to please you and see you excited and enjoying yourself. They want to share fun and playfulness and eroticism with you. They’ve been wanting YOU specifically; wanting access to you in a world in which you’re not preoccupied with the kids, your work, running the household, caring for elderly parents and any number of other responsibilities. They want all of you because they love you.

Because sex can be such an important expression of love to many men, it is important that you allow yourself the time to enjoy sex and alone time with your husband. It’s easy to say “no” or turn away from his advances. After all:

Is it going to take time away from the kids? Yes.
Is it going to take time away from taking care of the house? Yes.
Is it going to take time away from your other responsibilities? Yes.
Is it inconvenient and messy? Yes.
Does it lack the spontaneity it used to have? Yes.
Do you need to work harder at it to make it happen? Most likely, yes.

So, is it worth all the inconvenience? YES! All of these minor obstacles and inconveniences are easily overcome and the payoffs are HUGE.

If your husband feels connected to you, he’ll do most anything for you.
If you’re experiencing sex on a regular basis, you’ll feel happier and more relaxed.
You’ll like your body more because sex can be a reminder of the amazing ways it works and how good it can make you feel.

Perhaps most importantly, sex generates more closeness between the two of you. In turn, this generates a sense of partnership which generates a loving and fun attitude toward each other. When all of these things fall into place, the two of you feel like you can conquer any obstacle together, just like you felt when you first were attracted to one another.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Rules for Fair Fighting: How to Keep Your Head in the Middle of a Heated Argument

January 29, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

You’re seeing red. You’re in the middle of a heated argument with your spouse when the gloves come off:

Do things get ugly?
Are you screaming your head off?
Does the argument veer off the original topic until you’ve covered just about everything you’ve ever been upset about?
Do you follow your partner around the house because you just have to finish the discussion now?
Do you bring up the things you know will most hurt your partner?
Are you so angry that you forget the kids are within earshot OR right there witnessing the whole thing?

Our feelings ARE intense, particularly in the middle of an argument. Anger seems to take over, compelling us to do and say things we’d never say otherwise. When our emotions are in full swing it’s almost as if we can’t think straight. In fact, this isn’t far from the truth. When emotions fire from the most primitive part of our brain, the thinking functions of our logical neo-cortex are compromised. We go into fight or flight mode. The rational part of our brain no longer works in its full capacity and our cognitive skills aren’t fully functional.

Sometimes the rational side does peek through while all this is going on, even if it’s a fleeting thought such as:

I’m acting like a 3 year old!
I’ve lost control of myself.
What were we originally arguing about?
If anyone else knew I get like this, they’d be shocked.

It’s important to know that all partners get angry with each other at times. Anger is an intense emotion that is okay to feel, just like all of our emotions. However, we need to make a distinction between feeling anger and acting on it. All feelings are okay, but not all actions are.

In moments of anger, the adult in you must stop the three year-old in you from acting out. Since you want things to be different in your relationship, you must act differently. You must deliberately choose what to do and say, even when you’re enraged.

This is why we all need ground rules around fighting. This is even more important if you grew up seeing abusive or violent arguing. Here are the rules for fair fighting:

Don’t name call or curse. Talk about your anger directly. Say, “I’m enraged at you right now!”
Don’t leave or hang up abruptly. Exit like an adult with, “I can’t talk about this right now. I’m too angry. I’ll be back in (give a time.)”
Don’t chase your partner around the house. Give him/her the space needed and talk about it later when you’re both calmer.
Don’t bring up all the other incidents you’re still upset about. Learn to say, “That’s a different topic for another discussion.”
Don’t let things get physical. Stay in control of your body and if that feels too hard to do, get yourself into anger management treatment.

And most importantly:

Start couples counseling so you can both learn to discuss issues calmly.

Next time you’re in an argument, choose one rule to adhere to. You NEED to control yourself. That means finding FAIR ways to handle any anger between you and your partner. Remember: if you want your relationship to get better, you must begin to do things differently.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Sex in Marriage: Where Has The Passion Gone?

January 21, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

If you and your spouse have been together for some time, it’s possible that you’ve been having the same, uninspired sex for a while now: same positions, same day/time/place, same techniques. It may be enjoyable and comforting to be together, you may like the physical release, or both, but it’s definitely not as hot as when you first got together. This is fairly common and it’s a big disappointment for many, many couples. They are left wondering: where has the passion gone?

Then, add to the mix an attractive acquaintance, long-time friend, or even a stranger and you might find yourself becoming sexually aroused around someone other than the person you committed yourself to. Many people take this attraction to the next level and an affair starts. Even when there’s no affair, people are surprised they’ve become attracted to another person. Most people never intended that to happen. There are multiple reasons affairs can start. Perhaps…

your sexual needs weren’t being met in your marriage.
you were craving feeling wanted, desired, and sexy again.
you were angry at your spouse and wanted covert, or overt, revenge.
you liked who you were when you were with this other person.
it was scarier to allow yourself to be deeply vulnerable with your spouse than to have a more limited relationship.
it was scarier to deeply love and be loved by a long-term partner than to have a sex-only relationship.

Let’s go back to your primary partnership. The relationship with your long-term partner certainly didn’t start out this way. If you are like many couples, you probably were ecstatic being sexual together early in your relationship: tender, loving and on fire all at the same time. You were discovering your partner, his/her preferences, his/her body, and who this new person was. This mystery was exciting and sexy. Bridging your two worlds to connect was thrilling and hot.

But now, the intense, passionate sex has subsided with your spouse because she/he is familiar. A fellow Imago therapist, Esther Perel, describes this in her compellingly titled book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic. And, no, it has nothing to do with the mating habits of apes living in zoos.

So how do we bring attraction and hot sex back into marriage?

Re-envision your partner as a mystery to be rediscovered.
Don’t assume you know all about your partner. Be curious about the sides of him/her that you don’t typically ask about.
Make a ‘sex date’ once a week for erotic touch or talk, not necessarily intercourse. Don’t discount this one. It makes your sex life at least as important as other parts of your lives together, which was likely the case at the beginning of your relationship when things were hot.
Remember that having a strong marriage is an essential part of being a good parent. Make sure you focus on your partner as well as your children.
Talk to your physician about any physical issues that may be interfering with sex.
Talk to your therapist about any emotions that may be interfering.

To learn more about how to pump up the passion and/or to work though an affair, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

You’re Ready for Couples Counseling: Now How Do You Ask Your Spouse?

January 15, 2014 by admin in Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

Have things been distant between you and your spouse for some time? Have you felt unhappy or stuck in the relationship? Are you finally ready to reach out to a professional rather than continue to stick your head in the sand, hoping things will magically improve? Are you ready to take that step BUT the thought of suggesting counseling to your partner fills you with dread?

We often hear from people who want to begin therapy but aren’t sure if their spouse is willing. Some don’t know how to approach their partner and as a result, stay stuck in the same unhappy or unhealthy patterns for far longer than they could have. Keep in mind, though that if you’ve been feeling distant and unhappy for some time, there’s a good chance that your partner has been feeling this distance as well. Perhaps he/she also longs for things to be different.

When approaching your partner about therapy, there are certain things you should be mindful of.

Be careful not to assume that he or she will say ‘no.’ In fact, your partner may be pleased to know that you are concerned and invested enough in the marriage to reach out for help. After all, the life you’ve built together is at stake.
Talk to your spouse about the fact that you want to improve things and you know that couples therapy is the place to start.
Don’t blame or criticize your partner for the issues. Make it clear that you realize you’ve BOTH unintentionally created this situation and it needs to get fixed now before it gets any worse.
If your spouse isn’t immediately agreeable to getting started, give him/her a little more time to get used to the idea. Sometimes a spouse needs to think about it before they’re ready to begin. In the meantime, keep communicating that you love him/her and want to make things better.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Infidelity: How Working Through it Can STRENGTHEN a Marriage

November 25, 2013 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

We think we should be strong enough to survive alone. Regarding
marriage, we think that if we are betrayed by an unfaithful partner, we should
leave. Well-meaning friends tend to tell the spouse who was betrayed, “You
should leave the bastard!” as if that’s the right, and only, response.

But, leaving immediately is a poor solution because…

1) It oversimplifies the issue. Anyone who has experienced
infidelity (and marriage) for themselves knows the choices are not so black or
white.

2) The ability to work through conflict is actually a higher level
skill than surviving on one’s own. It takes more maturity to resolve
issues than it does to escape them.

3) It indicates that the cheating partner is solely to blame,
ignoring all the tension and distance that led up to the affair. It places all
the responsibility for the affair on the partner who was unfaithful and implies
that the other person was an innocent victim. Although the partner who was
unfaithful DID MAKE bad choices and going through a rough patch in a marriage
doesn’t excuse actually having an affair, it’s highly unlikely that the
cheating partner is 100% the source of the problem.

When both partners work through the aftermath of an affair, it can
ultimately lead to a stronger marriage. A good recovery needs several
things to happen.

First, the couple needs to find a way to discuss their feelings about
what happened. The one cheated on needs to let their spouse know how
shocked, devastated, betrayed and angry they feel. Also, the cheater needs to
talk about their feelings about the marriage leading up to the affair.

This is very hard to do. Some couples scream, shout, or let
the spouse know in some other unproductive way how they are feeling. When this
happens, the feelings don’t get talked about in a way that allows the partner
to hear and take them in. That’s why, during this first stage of shock and
intense feelings, you need the support and help of a skilled couples
counselor like those here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey. A
good couples counselor will help both partners to get out what needs to be
expressed in a productive way. They will also help the other partner
to withstand this stage of intense feelings and find a way to have empathy for
their partner. Understanding and empathy for one
another are crucial to the repair process.

In the second stage, the couple explores what led up
to the infidelity. Affairs happen for numerous reasons and do not always
indicate that things were ‘bad’ in the marriage. They will look at
what was going on in their relationship, whether it was lack of connection,
hostility, having lost touch with oneself, falling into a role they believed
they needed to be in, or an unmet longing to feel desired, wanted, and
cherished. Couples need to ask, “What was occurring between us at that time?
How did we each contribute to the state of the marriage back then? How were we
each behaving that got in our own way of getting our needs met?”

Notice a very important shift here: from ‘you’ to ‘us’. A
knowledgeable couples therapist will lead the couple in exploring, not from a
place of blame and criticism but from a wish to learn from what has happened.
This will help the couple to honestly and maturely face what was going
on. This shift indicates a new perspective in the partners: The affair
happened to us. We were both involved in some way in this
unfolding, whether one partner was actively driving the other away with
negative behavior, being inactive in the relationship by not reaching out to
make things better, or if something else was going on. This shift is a
different way of saying, “something wasn’t right between us.” Often,
prior to an affair happening, the couple had tried numerous ways to make things
better but wasn’t successful. Then, one of them unconsciously upped the ante –
the affair raised the stakes. What they were trying wasn’t working so they
forced a change by committing the infidelity. In doing so, whether they knew it
or not, their relationship HAD to change then.

The third stage is all about creating a new relationship with your
‘old’ spouse. The two of you can’t go back to how things were before.
After all, that’s what lead to the infidelity in the first place. During this
third stage the sense of partnership, union, or ‘we’ is evident as the
couple discusses what needs to be different between them in order for them to
move forward together. Again, the counselor moves the couple away from
blaming the other (you need to change X) to help them jointly take
responsibility for the climate between them.

At this point, it’s also important that the relationship gets repaired
on a sexual level as well because the betrayal deeply impacted that
part of each spouse. A repaired sexual relationship is one in which each person
has asked him/herself, “What parts of my sexuality was I suppressing in my
marriage and could only experience with the ‘other’ person? How can I bring
more of my whole self into my sexual connection with my spouse?” Both partners find
the courage to express fantasies, alternate sides of personality, and
non-politically correct impulses in the marital sex. THAT takes real courage. Working
with an accepting therapist who knows that humans are complicated
beings with all sorts of deeper, shameful impulses that are okay to allow to
show up in a long-term union can help couples repair sexual
relationships and achieve this intimacy.

Although it can seem like it’s the ultimate betrayal, infidelity doesn’t have
to be a deal breaker. In fact, marriages can become stronger, leading
to new beginnings and deeper connections. Here at Couples
Therapy Center we can help.

To
learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call
908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

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