Ways to Stop an Ex from Damaging Your Relationship: Three Guidelines for Communication

September 20, 2016 by admin in Divorce, Relationships, Remarriage | Comments Off

by Debby Deroian, Practicum Student-Therapist under the supervision of Meredith Keller LPC, ACS

Imagine: You and your partner are finally having a much needed date night. This took a month to happen due to several cancellations with work and kids’ schedules! You are in the middle of dinner when your partner’s phone rings, and as soon as you hear the dreaded ringtone you feel annoyed. Your partner answers the phone call from their ex, the anger rises in you and you know date night will be ruined. If this scenario sounds familiar, you may be (unintentionally) allowing an ex to communicate in a way that interferes with your current relationship. Over time, continued arguments and resentments over an ex can start to do damage to your relationship.

With the commonality of divorce and remarriage, subsequent marriages bring a new set of hurdles. Learning to deal with exes, especially those that may be more demanding, can be one of the biggest challenges for remarried couples. Of course, exes do need to remain part of your life when you share children, so learning to balance your relationship with your ex and your current partner can be tricky, but is very doable. How can you avoid this potential damage? Prevent an ex from being in the middle of your relationship by setting solid guidelines for communication such as…

Talk about how and when to communicate with the ex
Talk about what and what NOT to communicate with the ex
Keep the power

First, boundaries are key. Not only is it important to set boundaries around means of communication with your ex, but equally important is that both partners feel like they have a say in defining those boundaries. Let’s say your partner replies to emails or texts from their ex anytime and every time, but this interferes with your time together. You and your partner discuss how and when this type of communication will take place that you both feel okay with. Perhaps you decide together that any communication will not take place when the two of you are enjoying alone time, or when you are enjoying family time. Try to be as specific as possible in deciding how and when to communicate: such as date nights are a definite no, but if we are out running errands together you can reply. Try to respect your partner’s feelings as much as possible. While an ex certainly may not cooperate with this, your partner can implement the boundaries by continuing to let their ex know when they are unavailable and that they’ll get back to them at a more convenient time- (unless it’s a health or safety emergency with one of the kids). Eventually, the ex will learn they can’t have 24/7 access to their former partner.

Talk about appropriate communication. While you want to have an amicable relationship with your ex, there is necessary communication and there is communication that may make your partner uncomfortable. Talk openly about what each one of you feels is appropriate for the type of relationship you should have with an ex. Discuss with each other what and what NOT to communicate about. For example, it’s ok to say, “I don’t feel comfortable when your ex calls and wants to chat about his/her personal life with you.” Or, “When we have an argument, I don’t want you telling your ex about it.” Again, there may be some compromise necessary, but if you listen to (and try to understand) how your partner feels, it will go a long way in keeping your relationship healthy and strong. The goal here is making your partner feel like you and your current relationship is the priority.

Keep the power. We all know that there are some exes out there that want to try to maintain power over their former partner. They may be doing things such as purposely calling or texting when they know you might be enjoying some kid-free time or trying to maintain an inappropriate relationship. Even if this is happening, you have the power to control only your own behavior. They only have the power that you allow them to have. Remember, if you let a phone call at an inopportune time cause a fight, the only night that will be ruined is yours!

If you’re having trouble with an ex, we can help you (and your partner) set and maintain boundaries like these. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment. Doing it sooner rather than later could save you years of unnecessary hassle and make your current relationship stronger than ever.

Does Intimacy Mean Sharing Absolutely Everything?

October 12, 2015 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Comments Off

What is Intimacy? Is it tender and emotional sex each and every time? Is it sharing everything with one another? Is it constant closeness and togetherness? Popular belief says that those things make up intimacy, but that’s misleading AND unrealistic in a long-term partnership. For how could we possibly be together with our partner all the time? Quit work, neglect the kids, and abandon our responsibilities? Of course not. And sharing absolutely everything isn’t the ideal either. We know that too much familiarity dampens eroticism.

Couples therapy promotes intimacy but it certainly needs defining first. Yet, before I do that, I’m going to say more about what intimacy is NOT. Here are three pretty obvious ways to know when you are not in intimate connection with your partner. In fact, these actions are common and ineffective means of dealing with difficult emotions that sometimes arise in relationships…

1. Being preoccupied with changing something about your partner
2. Reacting in a habitual (often defensive) way to your partner
3. Exiting the partnership (doing things to get away from or avoid your partner)

Instead, intimacy is allowing your essence, your soul or spirit, to be seen by your partner. This means being open and vulnerable about what you truly think and feel but doing so without a motive or agenda. It also means allowing your true self to be present and show up fully in any situation, including during sex. You’re conscious and aware. And when your partner is available in an open and vulnerable way with you, you remain curious, non judgmental, and try to be understanding. You’re focused on what your partner is saying rather than on your thoughts about what he/she is saying. You’re in the present moment rather than focused on the past or future. This includes when difficult emotions arise.

It’s a myth that closeness occurs only when partners are feeling happy and peaceful together. Closeness can also occur when painful emotions are present and handled with vulnerability, understanding and empathy. This can be very hard to do at first, especially when one partner may be feeling hurt, sad, lonely, or rejected. Often our first instinct is to do one or more of those three behaviors I listed earlier. Remember – those behaviors hamper closeness and intimacy. Instead, sharing painful feelings in a healthy way can build a relationship and deepen intimacy.

Here are three ways to practice intimacy and closeness…
1. Ask for an Imago Dialogue (the structure to talk and listen in an open, understanding way)
2. Learn to tolerate your own painful emotions and to contain your reactions when your partner is bearing his or her soul to you
3. Learn to give and receive love in various ways (via your body, your words, and your actions).

When you view intimacy this way, you’ll have an accurate and realistic picture of what it is. All humans need closeness with at least one other person. It is my hope that you use these guidelines to get started or to deepen intimacy with the person you love most in the world.

Save Yourself From An Argument On Your Next Vacation

June 2, 2015 by admin in Family, Relationships | Comments Off

Imagine: you and your partner have planned a trip to a great summer destination. You each pack your own bags, arrive together, and unpack when you get to your room. Your bag contains: books, boardgames, movies, candles, an eye mask, massage oil, and an assortment of teas. You’ve been looking forward to lazy days lounging around indoors so you can unwind on this trip. You look over as your partner unpacks her bag and can’t believe your eyes! Her bag contains: a snorkel, flippers, sport glasses, daypack, hiking boots, cycling shoes, shorts & helmet. What?!

Now your thoughts begin to run wild: “She isn’t planning on spending any time with me this trip. She prefers doing activities to being with me. She’s here to enjoy the locale, not to enjoy MY company. How could she not know we’re here to lounge and RELAX?!?” Maybe your partner’s thoughts begin to run wild as she can see what things you’ve packed. She may be telling herself: “She isn’t planning on spending any time with me this trip. She prefers lounging around to being with me. She’s here for R&R, not to enjoy MY company. How could she not know we’re here to have fun exploring TOGETHER?!?”

What can get generated by this stuff we’re telling ourselves? Feelings! Both partners may come to feel hurt, disappointed, concerned, sad, annoyed. And if there’s any similarity between this scenario and your childhood, this situation is being exacerbated by your history of past hurts. And all this on a vacation you’ve spent effort and money to make happen!

Not verbalizing what you’re thinking BEFOREHAND, gets couples in alot of trouble. In addition to the time it takes to plan your trip, book your flight, & arrange for the house to be taken care of, add in time to talk about your expectations. Touch on…

• When we first arrive, I want to…
• During the trip, I’d like to…
• It’s not a big deal to me if we don’t get to…
• My intention for this vacation is…
• How you and I can enjoy each other’s company is…
• I imagine how much time we’ll spend with others vs. by ourselves is…

A 30 minute conversation before you leave could save you from conflict, arguing, and hurt feelings when you’re there. It will allow for more time for what you’ve traveled for: to enjoy each other, to relax and/or feel excited, and to reconnect with yourself.

Old Hurts: How Being Mindful Can Help You Move Past Them

October 27, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

There are many people who think that their past doesn’t have any influence on them today. They may feel this way because their childhood was years or decades ago, or perhaps because they’ve created a different life for themselves now. Others might discount the importance of their childhood on their present because they no longer live with their parents or may have told themselves they moved beyond it. However, it is not accurate to believe our past is completely in the past. Why? Because our crucial development took place in childhood and hurts or events from our past can have a negative influence on our current relationships without us even being aware of it.

Our brains, how we think, feel, and behave, were largely being formed between birth and our teenage years. More development continued into adulthood, but the majority of our learning and molding occurred in childhood. During these early years, we learned basic, crucial life skills, like trusting others, exploring our world, coming to know ourselves, being competent, having concern for others, and learning to be in close relationships. If we had deep or repeated hurts during this time, it left a scar on us emotionally and may have prevented us from fully learning certain skills or completing certain developmental tasks. Our purpose here is not to blame our parents. They probably did the best they knew how to do at the time. Instead, the reason for looking back to our past is to determine how past hurts are showing up in the present day and learn to move beyond them.

Being mindful can move us beyond past hurts. Mindfulness means being aware of what is happening inside of you in the present: right here and right now. When we are not mindful, we are reacting. Reacting happens when you do or say what your initial impulse is, often without even being aware of what you’re doing or saying.

When we are not mindful, our past hurts can creep into present day situations and influence how we see and react to things. How do you know the present situation is colored by your past? It’s when you freak out or shut down or otherwise feel very unsettled where others around you remain calm. In your intimate relationship, these are the areas that deeply upset you.

Here’s an example of how childhood hurts can crop up, and how being mindful can help you release painful feelings, move on, and improve your relationship.

Imagine two married women were talking (not difficult to imagine, I’m sure). One women casually mentioned that her husband was planning to golf all day that coming weekend. The other was surprised to hear that her friend was okay with that. She certainly wouldn’t be okay with her husband doing the same thing!! She wondered to herself, “How can she be all right with her husband making those plans?!” The surprised feeling was a clue that imagining her partner’s absence for the day was touching on something from her past. It was a trigger for her: her past was intermingling with present day circumstances. Her usual reaction when her husband planned all day outings was to get very upset with him. Without thinking, she would accuse him of doing something wrong. “How can you even think of planning a day of fun and relaxation for yourself and not consider me!?” He would say “It’s not a big deal! I’ll be home by 4:00 and I’ll be home all the next day! You want me around ALL the time. You’re so demanding!” They would end up in a big argument.

When she chooses to be mindful instead of just reacting angrily, the outcome can be very different. Being mindful is slowing down, noticing what’s occurring inside of you, and choosing a different reaction. In this scenario, when her husband made plans the woman actually had to stop herself from accusing her husband. In fact, she couldn’t talk to him at the moment those feelings came up because she would have reacted angrily. Instead of reacting, she paid close attention to the thoughts in her head. She realized she was telling herself, “He should want to be home with me and the kids on weekends. What right does he have to go out and have fun all day? He doesn’t really want to be with us. He doesn’t truly care about us.”

Remember: she didn’t say these thoughts – that would have been reacting/doing. She did nothing on the outside. She asked herself what she was feeling. Feelings are one word each. She felt jealous, rejected, angry, and lonely. Next, she connected it to the past. It came to mind that being home on weekends with her father when she was a girl felt similar, somehow. He was home but unavailable to her because he was working on his model train hobby for hours each day. They had no interaction. She didn’t know it at the time, but she felt lonely as a child.

Now back to the present: even though the circumstances weren’t exactly the same, there was a link between past and present. Naming the feelings and coming to know she felt lonely allowed her to make this connection. What did she do with these feelings? She did exactly the right thing. She ‘sat’ with them. She allowed herself to feel them, even though it is difficult and painful to feel jealousy, rejection and loneliness. She let them come up as opposed to trying to stuff them down. She noticed where they appeared in her body instead of distracting herself from them (by blaming and accusing her husband). She sat and experienced them until they subsided.

She was mindful in the sense that she decided to become curious about herself. Rather than doing or saying anything in the moment, she went inside of herself to explore what was coming up. Instead of telling herself that her husband was the cause of her anger, she made the conscious choice to see what was inside of her that was the source of her anger. It turns out that imaging that her husband was going out was just the trigger that touched on the past hurt.

Now here’s the next big step: deliberately choosing to have a different reaction. In this case, the woman decided to find a new way to react to her husband’s plans to leave the house. Now that she realized that it was loneliness underneath the upset, she could find a better way to get the loneliness soothed. She asked for two things: a hug right then and for time together when he got home. This was a HUGE shift because she moved away from blaming him. She stopped making him out to be the bad guy. She now could see that him going out golfing for a day wasn’t abusive or neglectful. She could remember that there were, indeed, many other times that he made plans to be with her and many other times when he reached out to hold her when they were home. She came to know that her initial upset had much more to do with what she experienced in childhood than it had to do with her husband going out.

Amazingly, because she recognized and could ask CALMLY for what she really wanted, her husband WANTED to be home with her more. I see this often in my work with couples: as one partner becomes calmer, the other partner is drawn to be with them. A shift in one spouse brings about a positive shift in the other spouse. Not necessarily right away, but over time, partners inch closer to one another.

Being mindful is the key to getting relationship problems resolved. In every moment with your partner, you have the ability to be curious about yourself and make a conscious choice to act differently. This is what brings about change in your life. Being mindful means you stop and notice what’s going on inside of yourself BEFORE doing anything. Being curious about yourself and deciding to do things differently will bring about healing for you AND will enable you to get your needs met. As you do things better in the present, you are leaving past hurts behind. You will begin to create the marriage you’ve always longed for: loving, supportive, and a safe haven for you both.

Maintaining a happy, healthy, long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Sex: How It Changes Through Each Stage of Relationships

October 20, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

New clients often come into our offices saying, “I’ve fallen out of love,” or “We’re having intimacy problems,” or “The sex is not like it used to be.” Feeling like this is a disappointment, indeed. This often makes people view themselves as having a bad relationship or having chosen the wrong partner when that is not the case at all. A changing sexual connection is a normal part of all relationships. That intense heat and passion doesn’t last. How could it? We’d never get anything productive done!

More seriously, the reason that the passion doesn’t last is because it’s partly ignited by the exploration of this new person. Over time, the mystery of who this person is (their scent, their preferences, their reactions) gets answered. This leaves us with familiarity, and familiarity is NOT as erotic as newness. If couples don’t know this is the normal course of all committed relationships (and that it’s signaling that it’s time to create new ways of relating) they find themselves unhappy.

In session, we teach the Stages of Relationships – a concept from Harville Hendrix, PhD, who developed Imago Relationship Therapy. These stages are Romantic Love, the Power Struggle, Re-committment, Doing the Work and Awakening. They are characterized by the following:

Romantic Love – freely receiving and giving love because we feel accepted and desired by this new person; each person shows his/her best self
Power Struggle or Difficult Stage – we now know each other’s shortcomings, some of which drive us crazy; we are challenged to work together despite differences; we must deal with unpleasantness; we often demand the partner make changes; this stage is colored by blame and criticism
Re-committment – deciding to stay together and try to work it out
Doing the Work – fueled by curiousity about oneself; learning and using communication tools; moderating one’s affect (emotions); choosing reactions that enhance the relationship
Awakening and Real Love – stage of personal growth; a deep and true love based on knowing your partner fully AND still accepting them; being accepted for who you are as well.

So, how does sexual connection change throughout these stages? Here are the stages again, but this time let’s look at how they affect the sexual side:

Romantic Love – exploring this new person; lowered inhibitions add to more sexual expression and responsiveness; fueled by pheromones
Power Struggle or Difficult Stage – familiarity; same positions, same place and time; decreased desire; demanding the partner change either by reigniting their passionate side or cooling off their passionate side
Re-committment – deciding to stay together and redefine sex and intimacy
Doing the Work – learning to communicate needs and preferences; expand your definition of sex beyond intercourse; learning to love your body & its imperfections
Awakening and Real Love – sexual attraction based on self and sexual confidence; intimacy based on allowing one’s true self, feelings, and preferences to be seen

IT’S NORMAL for your sex life with your partner to ebb and flow throughout the relationship. In fact, it’s an opportunity for the two of you to evolve and grow together. As a result, your bond is strengthened and deepened. Is it easy? No. It takes a good deal of introspection, moderating your emotions, controlling your impulsive reactions, and understanding/empathizing with one another. Is it worth all that work? Most definitely.

Navigating through the Power Struggle/Difficult Stage can be so challenging without support and good information about relationships. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Words Are Crucial: How Speaking Your Unfiltered Thoughts Could Be Impacting Your Relationship

August 11, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Words have so much power. Depending on how we use them, words have the power to inspire, to hurt, or to heal. Notice what you say to your partner. Are you saying words that support and inspire your spouse? Are you using words that soothe and heal him/her? Or are you using words that criticize or shame your partner?

We often fail to consider the impact that our words have on others because we spend so much time talking. We think that our words don’t really matter, or won’t have much of an effect on anyone else. The rationale is, “I talk all day. Each thing I say doesn’t really have that much of an impact on others.” Put that together with the fact that most people are poor listeners and it’s easy to convince ourselves that our words won’t have a very big impact on someone else’s life. However, this is not true. Our words DO make a difference to others.

Think back to a specific childhood memory. Try to recall an instance when you were with a teacher, a parent, a friend, a sibling, or a bully. Can you recall exactly what that person said to you? Chances are, you can. Now notice the feelings you have in connection to that incident. Do you remember feeling loved, encouraged, threatened, or demeaned? Often, we can remember exactly what someone said to us years, or even decades later, because it had an emotional impact on us. The words that person chose to speak at that time served to inspire, hurt, or heal us.

The words you use now have this same power. The people in your life can feel touched by your supportive words. They can be healed by your loving words. By the same token, they can feel demeaned or hurt by your critical words. That’s why it’s so important that you think about what you say to your partner. Which type of words do you use most with your spouse? It’s important for you to realize that the way you talk to your spouse IS impacting him/her – even if he/she tries not to let you see it. If you look carefully, you might notice a slight smile or see their body relax when you speak words of caring. Or you might see their brow crease or body tense when you speak words of judgment.

Here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey, we teach couples and individuals to be more aware of the words they use. We can show you how to choose your words with deliberation and care so that they will have a positive impact on your relationship. We want you to pick your words knowing full well that they will affect the person you love. We want to help you learn to choose the words that will bring those you love closer rather than drive them away. The words you choose have the power to inspire, to hurt or to heal. Which ones are you choosing? Call or email us. We can set up a time to chat so that you can become more aware of how your words might be impacting the most important relationship of your life. Working with us will help you learn when to filter your thoughts and when to speak your mind so that your words will help and heal your relationship, rather than harm it.

Maintaining a happy, healthy long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Wow! My spouse can be just like my mother/father! How did that happen?

July 28, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Have you ever been going about your daily life, when suddenly something your spouse says or does is so reminiscent of what your mother or father once said or did, you can hardly believe it? It can be quite surprising – and sometimes unsettling – to see certain traits of your parents in your spouse!

The positive traits are understandable. It makes sense that we would choose to be with someone who has some of the same positive characteristics of our parents. On the other hand, the negative traits can be disturbing.

By traits, I mean certain aspects of a person’s character that define who they are most of the time, including in times of crisis. Some positive traits that you might have seen in your parents – and your spouse – are warmth, bravery, trustworthiness, gentleness, confidence, tolerance, fairness, lending support, being dependable, generous, hardworking and loving. It seems natural that we would choose to be with someone who has the same positive traits as our parents because we grew up with those things and those parts felt good.

On the other hand, when you see the negative traits of your parents reflected in your spouse it can be very upsetting. Examples of negative traits include being inflexible, fearful, sneaky, grumpy, attacking, stingy, impatient, intrusive and, at the extreme, neglectful or abusive. We may wonder, “Why didn’t I see that BEFORE we got married?” “How could I have chosen someone who says or does things my parent(s) used to do that I hated?” Or even, “How did this happen?”

Like everyone, your spouse has both positive and negative traits. Of course, many of his/her traits are quite different from your parent’s. However, in this article, we’re talking about the traits that are the same. You were unconsciously drawn to a person with the same traits as your parents because they were familiar. This is what you grew up with. This is what you know.

The contact you had (or didn’t have) with your parents was your first experience with being in a relationship. From that, you learned how people behave. You learned this on both a conscious level (meaning you know this) and an unconscious level (meaning you aren’t aware of this but it’s affecting your life anyway). Later in our lives, when we find a person with similar traits, we tend to gravitate towards them because we learned that that’s just how people behave.

It’s shocking to consider that you unconsciously chose to be with a person because they have one or more of the same negative traits you grew up with. This didn’t happen because you wanted it to, it happened because this is what you learned a relationship feels like.

A good example of this is a woman who keeps getting involved with men who are unavailable. She hates that she falls in love with men who are this way. It doesn’t make sense to her until she gains insight into herself and considers that her mother was absent. (It doesn’t matter if it’s the same sex or opposite sex parent.) Being in a relationship with someone who isn’t around or isn’t emotionally available is familiar to her. She may not like it, but it’s what she knows and what she has gravitated towards.

The good news here is that once we learn the things our unconscious is drawing us to, we can change them. We can decide with the conscious, knowing part of our brain to begin to do things differently. Changing this part of yourself may mean deliberately dating someone different next time or finally learning how to deal effectively with your spouse who has this trait.

The first step to making this change is awareness. Write down all the positive and negative traits of your parents or caregivers. Next, write down all the traits of your current or past partners and look for similarities. As a child, you just had to cope with, or survive living with, the negative traits of your parents. As an adult, you can learn to deal effectively with people who have these same traits. You don’t have to live stuck in a time warp!

If this insight intrigues you, call us. Helping clients to gain insight and do things differently is exactly what the therapists and coaches here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey do every day. We can help you make positive changes so that you can stop blindly repeating what doesn’t feel right.

Get a Grip: How to Keep Emotional Reactions From Hurting Your Marriage

July 7, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Events, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Your emotions have a huge impact on your marriage. Whether your reaction to these emotions is to show them on the outside OR to keep outside of your awareness, your reaction might be driving your partner away. After many times of reacting similarly, a pattern sets in. This pattern may be a big contributor to the difficulties in your marriage.

People react differently when they have an emotion inside. Some people are overreactors and some are underreactors. An overreactor is very obvious. When they’re emotionally triggered by something, they can react with their body. They might clench their fists or jaw, stomp around, point, or stand up to appear bigger. You can see their emotions in their face: anger, sadness, crying, or disappointment. They can also react with their voice by yelling, raging, cursing, using sarcasm, bemoaning, complaining, or non-stop talking.

An underreactor is trickier to see. These people tend to shut down and close off from others. They may not even know they are feeling anything. Underreactors may leave the room or the house, curl up their shoulders, go off to bed, or turn to some distraction like the computer. It might show up if they say very little, are silent, or speak quietly. Often you can hardly tell by their face that anything is going on because there’s hardly any change in their expression. Many times you can hardly tell that an underreactor is having any feeling at all because they hardly show it. They’re just as upset on the inside as an overreactor; it’s just that it isn’t evident on the outside.

Your emotion (or what looks like your lack of emotion) is deeply affecting your spouse. You are so closely connected to your spouse, even if you currently feel distant, that your spouse can pick up on your feelings. And it DOES affect us to be in the presence of someone who feels angry, sad, or disappointed. Unless your spouse can stay calm and connected to you, your spouse likely has difficulty with your emotion and your reaction to your emotion. So, when you have a painful feeling, your spouse reacts to it.

Whether your spouse is an underreactor or overreactor will determine just how your spouse reacts to your emotion. Now, the two of you are experiencing painful emotions and reacting to them. For most couples in conflict or with great distance between them, this pattern is a big problem in and of itself.

All humans have emotions. We definitely have emotions when it comes to our spouse because we are so connected to this person. Rather than continuing to freak out OR to shut down:

Stop and think before you overreact or underreact.
Notice what it is you are feeling.
Think about how you would like to react instead that will not cause a secondary problem.
Reach out to talk to someone who supports your marriage and will help you sort through things.

This skill ALONE will have a profound effect on your spouse and everyone around you. Plus it’s your duty as an adult to know how to handle yourself and your emotional reaction to what life throws your way. You’re going to continue to have feelings about life’s events. Here at the Couples Therapy Center, we teach people what to do with their emotions: how to identify them, how emotions are showing up in your body as tension or illness, AND how to react to them in a way that keeps your relationship intact! Taking these steps can go a long way to achieving a stronger, more peaceful relationship. Here, you’ll learn the skills needed to stop overreacting or underreacting. Once you learn to react appropriately to all that life throws your way, you’ll find more peace and harmony both in your life and with your spouse.

To schedule an appointment to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Don’t Let a Lack of Fun Lead to an Infidelity

June 23, 2014 by admin in Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Has your relationship been going just fine, but every so often you realize the two of you don’t have much fun together anymore? This might seem like no big deal, but be warned: this can set the stage for infidelity.

As life and responsibilities get in the way, many couples inadvertently put their relationship on the back burner. While you may be managing the other aspects of your life pretty well, it’s all too easy to lose sight of the love, fun and laughter you once shared. But without fun and shared laughter, your relationship can weaken. The years can pass by like this almost without realizing it. If then, your spouse (or you!) happen(s) to meet someone else, that longing for stimulating conversation, playful banter, and sexual eroticism can be activated and can lead to an affair. Many affairs happen because the opportunity presented itself at a time when the primary relationship was weakened, but not in crisis yet. Don’t let this happen to the two of you. Don’t lose sight of just how vital fun and laughter are to the health of your relationship.

So, how do you bring fun back into your relationship? How can you strengthen and deepen your connection with joy and shared laughter? A good place to start is to think back to your early romance. What did you used to enjoy doing as a couple when you first got together?

Think about the fun activities you once shared.

Did the two of you participate in or attend sporting events together?
Do you share a love of music – either playing or listening together?
Did you have fun traveling together, either to far-off places or to places closer to home?
Did you enjoy eating out together, either at a favorite spot, or trying new restaurants and cuisines?
Did you enjoy picnicking in a romantic spot or perhaps even cooking together to create a delicious meal?
Did you enjoy working on projects together for a shared sense of accomplishment?
Did you enjoy spending active time together outdoors or relaxing together indoors playing cards or board games?

Make it a point to spend time together, just the two of you, doing some of the things that initially brought you a sense of partnership and pleasure in your early romance. Or, do something new together. This can help you rediscover just how much fun your partner can be. Sharing laugher, reminiscing and making new memories can help keep your marriage strong and is just plain FUN.

To learn more, visit us atwww.couplestherapycenterofnj.com, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Containing Our Emotions: When It’s Helpful To Hold Back

June 9, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I usually write about allowing our feelings to be felt, to be talked about, and to be shown. Today, I’ve been thinking about the opposite: containing them – and how to know when to do what!
Containing our emotions means to hold back how we’re feeling from someone else. It’s what we do when we know something’s going on inside of us because we have strong emotions about something, but we choose not to let it show on the outside. We deliberately decide not to say anything. We choose to stay quiet. We limit what our face expresses by refraining from rolling our eyes or frowning. We still our body and do not shrug our shoulders, cross our arms, or tap our feet.

Why would we want to do this? We do it to create safety for another person. Let’s say your spouse comes home with a scowl on his face. You’ve known him for a long time, you’re certain he is angry about something and you hope to God it’s not you! In the past, you may have had an emotional reaction to seeing him like this. Maybe it made you curious and you went into interrogation-mode. Maybe you felt frustrated with a long-standing pattern of him scowling and it made you want to roll your eyes in a “there-he-goes-again” sort of way. Maybe you felt scared that he was angry with you and you tried to assuage him by making a joke or offering him something to eat. Maybe your fear of his look made you want to get away: go upstairs, call a friend, do something with the kids – anything! – just to avoid him.

To hold back your emotions means that you keep whatever you’re feeling from showing on the outside. In this case, the wife wouldn’t question her spouse, mock him with or without words, offer him food (or a drink!), or run away from him. Instead, she would notice (with her mind) what she feels and what she has the impulse to do. She would make a mental note of what’s going on inside of her without talking out loud. A mini-light bulb goes off inside her head: “Oh, I’m feeling ______ when he comes home like that!” Then she makes a deliberate decision to keep the feeling from showing with words, a look on her face, a move of her body, or an action she takes.

Containing our emotions from our married partner is an important tool that great relationships have. It’s a valuable tool that comes in handy in some situations, but not all. Just as a hammer is great for putting a nail in the wall but not for screwing in a screw, this is a relationship tool that works great when it’s needed.

How do we know when containment is what’s needed? Containment is needed when we want to create a space for our spouse to open up about him/herself, to work something through, or to get out what’s going on with him/her. It can work especially well when our spouse is hurting or ashamed. At those times, questioning is the last thing most people want. When you contain your feelings (because you see your spouse has a difficult feeling that needs to be worked out), you are doing something important for your partner. Rather than add your feelings to what your spouse is already going through, you keep things separate. Your emotions stay separate from his. This separation gives your spouse the space and time to experience, work though, or talk about what the scowl is about. It creates in your home and your relationship a safety for each spouse to have whatever feeling they have without having to worry about their partner’s reaction to it. It’s hard enough to feel hurt, lonely, discouraged, or hopeless without having to deal with your partner’s feelings about your feelings. It gets complicated, quick! And those kinds of complications set the stage for arguments and feeling misunderstood.

You can ask to talk about your own reactions or feelings at a later time, after your spouse has worked it through or calmed down. But, for now, respect that your spouse is allowed to have his/her feelings. Sit and listen if your partner will talk or give him/her space if that’s what he/she wants: all with the intention of making your relationship a safe place for you both to turn when you need love and comfort.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment, call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

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