Three Myths About Marriage

December 19, 2016 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Here are three of the most popular myths about marriage:

1. I’ll never feel lonely again
2. If we have good sex, we’ll have a good marriage
3. My spouse should make me happy

We assume that securing a life partner will ‘cure’ us of feeling lonely (and a host of other painful emotions). But as humans, we’re endowed with the ability to experience ALL EMOTIONS from time to time throughout our lives. It’s normal to feel painful emotions (including loneliness) from time to time, whether or not we’re partnered up.

Great sex is awesome and might imply that the rest of the ways to connect with our partner will also be good. However, good sex is very different from the skills needed for a good marriage: the ability to express and receive love in several ways, the tools to communicate effectively, and the desire and effort to resolve differences in a healthy way.

We’re sold the idea that if we choose the right spouse, he or she will complete us/fulfill what’s been missing/make us feel happy. In reality, it’s our job to get our own needs met, to find our own happiness and purpose, and to be able to meet life on life’s terms. It is not our partner’s job to fill our lives or to make us feel good.

I hope this new perspective normalizes why your own marriage hasn’t been meeting these popular myths – your marriage isn’t supposed to be! Instead, having a spouse can be a unique and wonderful intimate relationship to add to an already full and fulfilling life.

If these myths are causing issues in your marriage, we can help you to set realistic expectations for your partner. Please feel free to contact us at 908-246-3074, or email us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment.

How to Talk To A Real Live Person: 4 Tools for Clear, Effective, In-person Communication

October 17, 2016 by admin in Relationships | Comments Off

by Lauren Roberts, Practicum Student-Therapist under the Supervision of Meredith Keller LPC, ACS

Talking has changed drastically in recent years: for many, the majority of ‘conversations’ are held through technology. These advances, however, can also have their faults. Have you ever felt like you were speaking to someone and it was like talking to a brick wall? Or maybe you go back and forth with each other over texting, but find that nothing gets resolved. When debating through text or email, words or phrases can easily be misinterpreted, causing an even bigger argument. Or maybe you do talk in person and think an issue has been resolved, only to find that it continues to annoy you. These are all signs of a decrease in effective communication.

In any relationship, whether you are married or dating, clear, effective communication is KEY. More importantly, understanding each other can deepen a connection you have to your partner. Many couples think they do not have a problem with the way they communicate, yet they repeatedly find themselves feeling frustrated during an exchange. Assumptions and misinterpretations can run rampant. There may be little listening going on as each person is busy formulating their response. Even something as simple as the phrasing of a question or tone of voice may prompt misunderstanding. In order to improve communication with your partner, you need to be ready to make the effort to do so and make sure that you have the proper skills and tools.

Here are four simple tools for clear, effective communication with your partner:

Stop and listen, force yourself to hear

More often than not, we pretend to listen to our partners when they are talking to us. Maybe thoughts about the game are on your mind, or worrying about making dinner. Rarely do we give our partners our 100% undivided attention and really listen to what they are saying. Listening is more than just looking at them or saying “yeah I got it”. It involves reflection and understanding of what the message is that your partner is trying to convey. Through effective listening, understanding is developed and you may be able to connect on a deeper level to your partner.

Ask questions from a place of curiosity

Asking questions often shows interest in what the other has done or is doing. This can also show your partner that you care about their day or the issues they are bringing to you. Being actively engaged in the conversation will improve your communication skills, as well as listening skills.

Talk it out in person

For many, communicating has become focused around technology. Having serious arguments or conversations is being masked by a screen. Being able to talk to your partner in person allows for a deeper connection and can prompt more understanding and is especially needed when discussing important or emotional topics.

Pay attention to non verbal signals

Being able to notice subtle signals that your partner gives off can aid communication significantly. For example, if you say something and your partner starts looking down and playing with their shirt or clenches their fists, this could be a clue as to what your partner may be thinking or feeling. But don’t assume. Instead, say that you notice what they’re doing and ask them to tell you what’s going on for them right now. Noticing and talking about non verbal signals can be used to deepen the conversation.

Using these four simple steps, you can vastly improve the communication between you and your partner. I challenge you to try these and see the influence they have on your relationship. If you are having trouble communicating with your partner, we can assist you in developing effective communication styles that will reduce arguments and deepen connection. Please feel free to contact us at 908-246-3074, or email us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment.

Ways to Stop an Ex from Damaging Your Relationship: Three Guidelines for Communication

September 20, 2016 by admin in Divorce, Relationships, Remarriage | Comments Off

by Debby Deroian, Practicum Student-Therapist under the supervision of Meredith Keller LPC, ACS

Imagine: You and your partner are finally having a much needed date night. This took a month to happen due to several cancellations with work and kids’ schedules! You are in the middle of dinner when your partner’s phone rings, and as soon as you hear the dreaded ringtone you feel annoyed. Your partner answers the phone call from their ex, the anger rises in you and you know date night will be ruined. If this scenario sounds familiar, you may be (unintentionally) allowing an ex to communicate in a way that interferes with your current relationship. Over time, continued arguments and resentments over an ex can start to do damage to your relationship.

With the commonality of divorce and remarriage, subsequent marriages bring a new set of hurdles. Learning to deal with exes, especially those that may be more demanding, can be one of the biggest challenges for remarried couples. Of course, exes do need to remain part of your life when you share children, so learning to balance your relationship with your ex and your current partner can be tricky, but is very doable. How can you avoid this potential damage? Prevent an ex from being in the middle of your relationship by setting solid guidelines for communication such as…

Talk about how and when to communicate with the ex
Talk about what and what NOT to communicate with the ex
Keep the power

First, boundaries are key. Not only is it important to set boundaries around means of communication with your ex, but equally important is that both partners feel like they have a say in defining those boundaries. Let’s say your partner replies to emails or texts from their ex anytime and every time, but this interferes with your time together. You and your partner discuss how and when this type of communication will take place that you both feel okay with. Perhaps you decide together that any communication will not take place when the two of you are enjoying alone time, or when you are enjoying family time. Try to be as specific as possible in deciding how and when to communicate: such as date nights are a definite no, but if we are out running errands together you can reply. Try to respect your partner’s feelings as much as possible. While an ex certainly may not cooperate with this, your partner can implement the boundaries by continuing to let their ex know when they are unavailable and that they’ll get back to them at a more convenient time- (unless it’s a health or safety emergency with one of the kids). Eventually, the ex will learn they can’t have 24/7 access to their former partner.

Talk about appropriate communication. While you want to have an amicable relationship with your ex, there is necessary communication and there is communication that may make your partner uncomfortable. Talk openly about what each one of you feels is appropriate for the type of relationship you should have with an ex. Discuss with each other what and what NOT to communicate about. For example, it’s ok to say, “I don’t feel comfortable when your ex calls and wants to chat about his/her personal life with you.” Or, “When we have an argument, I don’t want you telling your ex about it.” Again, there may be some compromise necessary, but if you listen to (and try to understand) how your partner feels, it will go a long way in keeping your relationship healthy and strong. The goal here is making your partner feel like you and your current relationship is the priority.

Keep the power. We all know that there are some exes out there that want to try to maintain power over their former partner. They may be doing things such as purposely calling or texting when they know you might be enjoying some kid-free time or trying to maintain an inappropriate relationship. Even if this is happening, you have the power to control only your own behavior. They only have the power that you allow them to have. Remember, if you let a phone call at an inopportune time cause a fight, the only night that will be ruined is yours!

If you’re having trouble with an ex, we can help you (and your partner) set and maintain boundaries like these. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment. Doing it sooner rather than later could save you years of unnecessary hassle and make your current relationship stronger than ever.

My Mother Turns 75 This Month: How the family plans to express our appreciation of her

November 2, 2015 by admin in Events, Family, Giving Thanks, Holidays, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Mom On Carousel

My brother, sister and I are throwing a party in her honor. As fun as it will be connecting with family and friends, there’s one aspect of her birthday celebration I’m most excited about: a scrapbook of notes from those who love her and photos of them with her. When I realized this scrapbook is really about the appreciation people feel for my mother, I decided to share this with my followers. This coincides nicely with Thanksgiving approaching because it’s typically the time of year when we reflect on that which we’re grateful for. I’ll tell you how we’re doing it and it may inspire you to do the same for your loved one.

We mailed out blank white cards for people to use if they wish and instructed them to mail them to me (with a photo, if they can find one) in advance of the party. Then I’ve been sliding the notes and photos into the sheets of the book. It’s not fancy but the love and appreciation that it contains is astounding. I’ve been surprised and touched by what I’ve received.

For one, my cousin sent me an old photo I don’t remember ever seeing: It’s my mother age 6 or so riding a horse on a carousel. She’s in her 1940’s Sunday best and smiling from ear to ear. The photo is adorable, nostalgic, and touching. My heart was overcome with fondness to think of my cousins and aunt and uncle making time to find that old photo for this project.

Also, beautiful, funny and sentimental notes are arriving. They’ve described their appreciation for my mother helping their aging or ill parent AND just how much that meant to them. One person wrote about her gratitude when my mother sat with HER during a recovery. A former neighbor wrote about how his wife looked forward to walking to my mother’s house to retrieve items they picked up for each other on their last trip to the grocery store and looked forward to the companionship. My note is about how I admire my mother’s sense of adventure. She was and, to a lesser extent now, is always up for an outing, a social event, or going to the beach or the mountains. I love that about her and I’m sure it’s part of what made me in the person I’ve become: willing to explore, be active and to try new things.

I’m so excited to present the book of gratitude (and love) to her at the party. She’ll briefly look through it that day but I imagine the true scope of the book will reveal itself later when she has quiet time at home to savor each note. She’ll take in all the words of love and appreciation people feel for her, but so rarely express. This is true for most of us: we hardly make the time to tell those we love or admire how we feel about them. We have busy lives. We’re doing THINGS but not making time to connect with others.

I hope you’re considering doing something like this for your loved one even if the relationship isn’t always wonderful. My mother’s and my relationship certainly isn’t. We’ve had, and continue to have, our share of ups and downs, disagreements, misunderstandings and hurts. Yet the process of compiling this book has reminded me of the value of expressing the positives we do feel.

Here’s how you can create something similar.
• Purchase a scrapbook that contains clear sheets you can slide things into
• Ask friends and family if they’d be willing to write a brief note about the person you have in mind
• Give them ideas of what to write about (a fond or hilarious memory, something they appreciate or admire about this person, or words of love)
• Ask them to include a photo if possible
• Instruct them as to how to get the notes and photos to you
• Slide them into the scrapbook pages & use photo safe tape to hold the photos in place
• Present the completed book to your loved one
• Allow them to look through the book privately if they prefer

November is a great time to reflect on what we’re thankful for, including the people in our lives. May you find a way to express to those you love exactly what you love about them.

Does Intimacy Mean Sharing Absolutely Everything?

October 12, 2015 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Comments Off

What is Intimacy? Is it tender and emotional sex each and every time? Is it sharing everything with one another? Is it constant closeness and togetherness? Popular belief says that those things make up intimacy, but that’s misleading AND unrealistic in a long-term partnership. For how could we possibly be together with our partner all the time? Quit work, neglect the kids, and abandon our responsibilities? Of course not. And sharing absolutely everything isn’t the ideal either. We know that too much familiarity dampens eroticism.

Couples therapy promotes intimacy but it certainly needs defining first. Yet, before I do that, I’m going to say more about what intimacy is NOT. Here are three pretty obvious ways to know when you are not in intimate connection with your partner. In fact, these actions are common and ineffective means of dealing with difficult emotions that sometimes arise in relationships…

1. Being preoccupied with changing something about your partner
2. Reacting in a habitual (often defensive) way to your partner
3. Exiting the partnership (doing things to get away from or avoid your partner)

Instead, intimacy is allowing your essence, your soul or spirit, to be seen by your partner. This means being open and vulnerable about what you truly think and feel but doing so without a motive or agenda. It also means allowing your true self to be present and show up fully in any situation, including during sex. You’re conscious and aware. And when your partner is available in an open and vulnerable way with you, you remain curious, non judgmental, and try to be understanding. You’re focused on what your partner is saying rather than on your thoughts about what he/she is saying. You’re in the present moment rather than focused on the past or future. This includes when difficult emotions arise.

It’s a myth that closeness occurs only when partners are feeling happy and peaceful together. Closeness can also occur when painful emotions are present and handled with vulnerability, understanding and empathy. This can be very hard to do at first, especially when one partner may be feeling hurt, sad, lonely, or rejected. Often our first instinct is to do one or more of those three behaviors I listed earlier. Remember – those behaviors hamper closeness and intimacy. Instead, sharing painful feelings in a healthy way can build a relationship and deepen intimacy.

Here are three ways to practice intimacy and closeness…
1. Ask for an Imago Dialogue (the structure to talk and listen in an open, understanding way)
2. Learn to tolerate your own painful emotions and to contain your reactions when your partner is bearing his or her soul to you
3. Learn to give and receive love in various ways (via your body, your words, and your actions).

When you view intimacy this way, you’ll have an accurate and realistic picture of what it is. All humans need closeness with at least one other person. It is my hope that you use these guidelines to get started or to deepen intimacy with the person you love most in the world.

Save Yourself From An Argument On Your Next Vacation

June 2, 2015 by admin in Family, Relationships | Comments Off

Imagine: you and your partner have planned a trip to a great summer destination. You each pack your own bags, arrive together, and unpack when you get to your room. Your bag contains: books, boardgames, movies, candles, an eye mask, massage oil, and an assortment of teas. You’ve been looking forward to lazy days lounging around indoors so you can unwind on this trip. You look over as your partner unpacks her bag and can’t believe your eyes! Her bag contains: a snorkel, flippers, sport glasses, daypack, hiking boots, cycling shoes, shorts & helmet. What?!

Now your thoughts begin to run wild: “She isn’t planning on spending any time with me this trip. She prefers doing activities to being with me. She’s here to enjoy the locale, not to enjoy MY company. How could she not know we’re here to lounge and RELAX?!?” Maybe your partner’s thoughts begin to run wild as she can see what things you’ve packed. She may be telling herself: “She isn’t planning on spending any time with me this trip. She prefers lounging around to being with me. She’s here for R&R, not to enjoy MY company. How could she not know we’re here to have fun exploring TOGETHER?!?”

What can get generated by this stuff we’re telling ourselves? Feelings! Both partners may come to feel hurt, disappointed, concerned, sad, annoyed. And if there’s any similarity between this scenario and your childhood, this situation is being exacerbated by your history of past hurts. And all this on a vacation you’ve spent effort and money to make happen!

Not verbalizing what you’re thinking BEFOREHAND, gets couples in alot of trouble. In addition to the time it takes to plan your trip, book your flight, & arrange for the house to be taken care of, add in time to talk about your expectations. Touch on…

• When we first arrive, I want to…
• During the trip, I’d like to…
• It’s not a big deal to me if we don’t get to…
• My intention for this vacation is…
• How you and I can enjoy each other’s company is…
• I imagine how much time we’ll spend with others vs. by ourselves is…

A 30 minute conversation before you leave could save you from conflict, arguing, and hurt feelings when you’re there. It will allow for more time for what you’ve traveled for: to enjoy each other, to relax and/or feel excited, and to reconnect with yourself.

Old Hurts: How Being Mindful Can Help You Move Past Them

October 27, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

There are many people who think that their past doesn’t have any influence on them today. They may feel this way because their childhood was years or decades ago, or perhaps because they’ve created a different life for themselves now. Others might discount the importance of their childhood on their present because they no longer live with their parents or may have told themselves they moved beyond it. However, it is not accurate to believe our past is completely in the past. Why? Because our crucial development took place in childhood and hurts or events from our past can have a negative influence on our current relationships without us even being aware of it.

Our brains, how we think, feel, and behave, were largely being formed between birth and our teenage years. More development continued into adulthood, but the majority of our learning and molding occurred in childhood. During these early years, we learned basic, crucial life skills, like trusting others, exploring our world, coming to know ourselves, being competent, having concern for others, and learning to be in close relationships. If we had deep or repeated hurts during this time, it left a scar on us emotionally and may have prevented us from fully learning certain skills or completing certain developmental tasks. Our purpose here is not to blame our parents. They probably did the best they knew how to do at the time. Instead, the reason for looking back to our past is to determine how past hurts are showing up in the present day and learn to move beyond them.

Being mindful can move us beyond past hurts. Mindfulness means being aware of what is happening inside of you in the present: right here and right now. When we are not mindful, we are reacting. Reacting happens when you do or say what your initial impulse is, often without even being aware of what you’re doing or saying.

When we are not mindful, our past hurts can creep into present day situations and influence how we see and react to things. How do you know the present situation is colored by your past? It’s when you freak out or shut down or otherwise feel very unsettled where others around you remain calm. In your intimate relationship, these are the areas that deeply upset you.

Here’s an example of how childhood hurts can crop up, and how being mindful can help you release painful feelings, move on, and improve your relationship.

Imagine two married women were talking (not difficult to imagine, I’m sure). One women casually mentioned that her husband was planning to golf all day that coming weekend. The other was surprised to hear that her friend was okay with that. She certainly wouldn’t be okay with her husband doing the same thing!! She wondered to herself, “How can she be all right with her husband making those plans?!” The surprised feeling was a clue that imagining her partner’s absence for the day was touching on something from her past. It was a trigger for her: her past was intermingling with present day circumstances. Her usual reaction when her husband planned all day outings was to get very upset with him. Without thinking, she would accuse him of doing something wrong. “How can you even think of planning a day of fun and relaxation for yourself and not consider me!?” He would say “It’s not a big deal! I’ll be home by 4:00 and I’ll be home all the next day! You want me around ALL the time. You’re so demanding!” They would end up in a big argument.

When she chooses to be mindful instead of just reacting angrily, the outcome can be very different. Being mindful is slowing down, noticing what’s occurring inside of you, and choosing a different reaction. In this scenario, when her husband made plans the woman actually had to stop herself from accusing her husband. In fact, she couldn’t talk to him at the moment those feelings came up because she would have reacted angrily. Instead of reacting, she paid close attention to the thoughts in her head. She realized she was telling herself, “He should want to be home with me and the kids on weekends. What right does he have to go out and have fun all day? He doesn’t really want to be with us. He doesn’t truly care about us.”

Remember: she didn’t say these thoughts – that would have been reacting/doing. She did nothing on the outside. She asked herself what she was feeling. Feelings are one word each. She felt jealous, rejected, angry, and lonely. Next, she connected it to the past. It came to mind that being home on weekends with her father when she was a girl felt similar, somehow. He was home but unavailable to her because he was working on his model train hobby for hours each day. They had no interaction. She didn’t know it at the time, but she felt lonely as a child.

Now back to the present: even though the circumstances weren’t exactly the same, there was a link between past and present. Naming the feelings and coming to know she felt lonely allowed her to make this connection. What did she do with these feelings? She did exactly the right thing. She ‘sat’ with them. She allowed herself to feel them, even though it is difficult and painful to feel jealousy, rejection and loneliness. She let them come up as opposed to trying to stuff them down. She noticed where they appeared in her body instead of distracting herself from them (by blaming and accusing her husband). She sat and experienced them until they subsided.

She was mindful in the sense that she decided to become curious about herself. Rather than doing or saying anything in the moment, she went inside of herself to explore what was coming up. Instead of telling herself that her husband was the cause of her anger, she made the conscious choice to see what was inside of her that was the source of her anger. It turns out that imaging that her husband was going out was just the trigger that touched on the past hurt.

Now here’s the next big step: deliberately choosing to have a different reaction. In this case, the woman decided to find a new way to react to her husband’s plans to leave the house. Now that she realized that it was loneliness underneath the upset, she could find a better way to get the loneliness soothed. She asked for two things: a hug right then and for time together when he got home. This was a HUGE shift because she moved away from blaming him. She stopped making him out to be the bad guy. She now could see that him going out golfing for a day wasn’t abusive or neglectful. She could remember that there were, indeed, many other times that he made plans to be with her and many other times when he reached out to hold her when they were home. She came to know that her initial upset had much more to do with what she experienced in childhood than it had to do with her husband going out.

Amazingly, because she recognized and could ask CALMLY for what she really wanted, her husband WANTED to be home with her more. I see this often in my work with couples: as one partner becomes calmer, the other partner is drawn to be with them. A shift in one spouse brings about a positive shift in the other spouse. Not necessarily right away, but over time, partners inch closer to one another.

Being mindful is the key to getting relationship problems resolved. In every moment with your partner, you have the ability to be curious about yourself and make a conscious choice to act differently. This is what brings about change in your life. Being mindful means you stop and notice what’s going on inside of yourself BEFORE doing anything. Being curious about yourself and deciding to do things differently will bring about healing for you AND will enable you to get your needs met. As you do things better in the present, you are leaving past hurts behind. You will begin to create the marriage you’ve always longed for: loving, supportive, and a safe haven for you both.

Maintaining a happy, healthy, long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Sex: How It Changes Through Each Stage of Relationships

October 20, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

New clients often come into our offices saying, “I’ve fallen out of love,” or “We’re having intimacy problems,” or “The sex is not like it used to be.” Feeling like this is a disappointment, indeed. This often makes people view themselves as having a bad relationship or having chosen the wrong partner when that is not the case at all. A changing sexual connection is a normal part of all relationships. That intense heat and passion doesn’t last. How could it? We’d never get anything productive done!

More seriously, the reason that the passion doesn’t last is because it’s partly ignited by the exploration of this new person. Over time, the mystery of who this person is (their scent, their preferences, their reactions) gets answered. This leaves us with familiarity, and familiarity is NOT as erotic as newness. If couples don’t know this is the normal course of all committed relationships (and that it’s signaling that it’s time to create new ways of relating) they find themselves unhappy.

In session, we teach the Stages of Relationships – a concept from Harville Hendrix, PhD, who developed Imago Relationship Therapy. These stages are Romantic Love, the Power Struggle, Re-committment, Doing the Work and Awakening. They are characterized by the following:

Romantic Love – freely receiving and giving love because we feel accepted and desired by this new person; each person shows his/her best self
Power Struggle or Difficult Stage – we now know each other’s shortcomings, some of which drive us crazy; we are challenged to work together despite differences; we must deal with unpleasantness; we often demand the partner make changes; this stage is colored by blame and criticism
Re-committment – deciding to stay together and try to work it out
Doing the Work – fueled by curiousity about oneself; learning and using communication tools; moderating one’s affect (emotions); choosing reactions that enhance the relationship
Awakening and Real Love – stage of personal growth; a deep and true love based on knowing your partner fully AND still accepting them; being accepted for who you are as well.

So, how does sexual connection change throughout these stages? Here are the stages again, but this time let’s look at how they affect the sexual side:

Romantic Love – exploring this new person; lowered inhibitions add to more sexual expression and responsiveness; fueled by pheromones
Power Struggle or Difficult Stage – familiarity; same positions, same place and time; decreased desire; demanding the partner change either by reigniting their passionate side or cooling off their passionate side
Re-committment – deciding to stay together and redefine sex and intimacy
Doing the Work – learning to communicate needs and preferences; expand your definition of sex beyond intercourse; learning to love your body & its imperfections
Awakening and Real Love – sexual attraction based on self and sexual confidence; intimacy based on allowing one’s true self, feelings, and preferences to be seen

IT’S NORMAL for your sex life with your partner to ebb and flow throughout the relationship. In fact, it’s an opportunity for the two of you to evolve and grow together. As a result, your bond is strengthened and deepened. Is it easy? No. It takes a good deal of introspection, moderating your emotions, controlling your impulsive reactions, and understanding/empathizing with one another. Is it worth all that work? Most definitely.

Navigating through the Power Struggle/Difficult Stage can be so challenging without support and good information about relationships. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Date Night Ideas

October 6, 2014 by admin in Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Do you have a date night but are getting bored with dinner and a movie? Here are some fun ideas to keep you in connection with each other.

Go to an arcade or boardwalk and play those games with each other that you haven’t played since you were dating: skee ball, air hockey, PacMan.
On a map of a state or country you’ve lived or traveled, highlight all the towns and sites you visited together. Bring your map to a coffee house and reminisce together.
After the kids have gone to bed, dust off photo albums containing pictures of when your relationship first began. Spread a blanket on the living room floor and pour over them.
Keep affection alive in your marriage by making time for non-sexual touch: a back massage, foot massage, cuddling, or holding hands in public.
Hire a chef to come to your home, cook a full meal, serve it to you, and do all the cleanup. Enjoy time with each other and not have to lift a finger or drive home.
Listen to music from your teenage years or download a routine from your favorite comedian and go parking at a scenic spot.

Hurt By Hearsay? How Therapy Rebuilds Your Sense of Safety

September 29, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Gossip – sometimes it seems we’re surrounded by it. We hear it all the time. It glares at us from nearly every grocery store headline. Have you seen so-and-so’s new haircut? What was he/she thinking? And what about those two? Can you believe they did that?!

On the surface, gossiping can seem like harmless, idle chatter. It goes on all the time – and not just on the newsstands. I’m sure we’ve all been in a situation where the conversation turned to pointing out the flaws or misfortunes of others behind their backs. But think twice before you chime in – gossiping about someone else can hurt YOU, in ways you may not even suspect. Believe it or not, gossiping about others leads to unease, insecurity, and even to deciding not to trust anyone ever again.

Initially, sharing negative information about someone else can make you feel close to the person you’re talking to. But, deep down you know that he/she has the capability to talk hurtfully about you when you’re not around. The temporary closeness you feel is not true intimacy. In fact, there’s very little closeness here. Being genuinely connected to another person involves each person sharing their feelings ABOUT THEMSELVES, not feelings they have about another person. If this is the way your family communicated when you were growing up, it’s likely you rarely had a sense of relationships being safe and trustworthy.

And don’t forget the flip side of gossip. Sadly, almost all of us have had some time in our life when WE were the one who was being talked about. Think back to how you felt: mildly embarrassed, completely betrayed, hurt, humiliated, mortified? Whether we are the one doing the talking or the one being talked about, gossip chips away at our sense of trust, safety, comfort, and security.

If you find it hard to trust that others won’t turn on you, or if you have ever been betrayed or gossiped about, it can be a huge relief to talk to a therapist who is bound by law to keep sessions confidential . For some, the experience of safety and trust they feel with their therapist is quite new. Not only are therapists bound by law to do this, we also WANT to keep what you say confidential. We want to give you the experience of feeling secure and knowing that you will not be mocked, made fun of, or talked negatively about for something you said, did, or thought.

Once you feel this genuine security that therapy can provide, you can begin to open up. Finally, there is someone you can share your inner world with. What a relief to talk about the thoughts you have rarely, if ever, verbalized! Your therapist will be there for you to share the feelings you really feel about people and situations. But this is not done with the intention of bad-mouthing someone else. Instead, it is done with the intention of learning about yourself and why that person triggers an intense reaction in you. As a result, you will learn to handle these situations better in the future.

Feeling safe to finally open up to someone again is both powerful and beautiful. It sets the stage for you to put an end to feelings of insecurity, to learn to banish toxic talk, and to learn to trust again.

Don’t you deserve to create this type of relationship for yourself again?

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