Broadening Our Definition of Sex

November 12, 2019 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

How do you define ‘sex’? Is it when one or both partners orgasm? For heterosexual couples, PIV only? How about oral sex, mutual masturbation, or sexting – does that ‘count’? Over the years of working with couples, we have heard many partners express feeling unfulfilled with their sex life. If a partner brings this up in session, we dig deeper as to what is causing the dissatisfaction. For many couples, one partner wants sex more frequently. In other couples, one partner is dissatisfied with the level of intimacy and love expressed during sex – as if their partner is there just to get off.

But, one consistent finding is that HOW each partner defines sex can be an issue in and of itself – adding to the perception that it’s unfulfilling.

In helping each partner to understand this better, we ask “How do you define sex”? Very often, for heterosexual couples the person says (using their own language) vaginal penetration with a penis. They may have a partner who defines sex to include other forms of contact, even sexting when one partner is away. But what if sex is any contact (physical or not) that’s both pleasurable and connecting? Here’s how broadening one’s definition of sex to any contact that’s both pleasurable and connecting can help a couple.

It relaxes pressure to perform. Men can feel pressure to get and maintain an erection and ejaculate in an amount of time that’s satisfying for both persons. If sex is not only defined by vaginal penetration, men can feel more relaxed and comfortable knowing that they are providing the intimacy their partner is looking for, even without a long-lasting or firm enough erection.
It allows both persons to let go of orgasm being the ‘goal’ of the encounter. Ironically, letting go of that ‘goal’ is sometimes what’s needed for orgasm to happen! Instead, be relaxed and in the moment noticing physical sensations, sights, sounds, and the scent of one’s partner. If the goal is simply to feel pleasure and connection, so many activities can help you achieve this with your partner, with or without orgasm.
It creates more opportunities for connection if more things ‘count’. If pleasurable contact (such as massage, hair brushing, showering together, sexy talk on the phone, sending a racy photo, masturbating in the presence of one’s partner) are part of this broader definition of sex, partners can come to see their sex life in a more positive light. They can also come to feel that it is more vibrant and fun and intimate than they previously thought.
It highlights the moments in a relationship that do contain love, fondness, play and/or intimacy. While we tend to notice, remember, and even stay focused on the negative moments in our relationship, it is crucial to focus on the positives as well. With a broadened definition of sex, you will likely find you are having more positive interactions to focus on. When we are grateful for what we do have, that builds upon itself and inspires more pleasurable connections.

Broadening our definition of sex can have the effect of creating more intimate moments and increase satisfaction with the relationship as a whole. If you are struggling and feeling unfulfilled with your sex life, please contact us at 908-246-3074 , or email us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? Schedule an individual appointment for yourself. Good things can happen in a relationship even when only one person is in therapy. Remember: we help couples AND individuals to improve their relationships.

How To Argue Less About Sex and Enjoy it More

July 20, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Ask any couple- what is the most frequent source of arguments in relationships? We have all heard it before; what do couples fight about-money and sex! While this may be a true statement and there may be a lot of fighting happening around your sex life, sex and intimacy can be one of the best parts of your relationship. While it can provide us with the obvious physical connection and pleasure, sex has the added benefit of allowing you to feel more emotionally connected, and can be a great way to express your love and passion for each other. It can also be a great source of fun in our relationship! So, how do we prevent sex from becoming something that we battle about?

Worry more about quality vs. quantity-We often get hung up on quantity and the “magic number” of times to have sex in a week that makes for a good sex life. While there may be some discrepancy between you and your partner as to how often is “enough”, try to focus on finding a happy medium and then pay attention to the quality. Notice- are you both having fun during sex, or just going through the motions because you need to get in a certain number of times a week? If you and your partner are enjoying your time together, having fun and feeling satisfied, (both physically and emotionally!) after sex, then take the pressure off the burning question “how often should we be having sex?” Another key to this is to not compare your sex lives to others. It can be easy to feel like your own sex life is “bad” if your friends are having twice as much sex in their relationships. But remember, every couple is different, they may be making it sound better (or worse) than it really is, and your satisfaction shouldn’t be based on anything but your own relationship.
Think outside the box-We can all remember that wonderful time at the beginning of our relationship when sex was amazing-spontaneous, frequent and filled with passion. But, the reality is that as we progress through stages of relationships and out of “Romantic Love” and stressors such as work and family start to impact our relationship, sex often turns into something routine. Be creative with timing. Couples with busy lives often feel they have no choice but to wait until the very end of the day, leaving them tired and more interested in zoning in front of the television or sleeping than having sex at that point. While it may be hard to “squeeze” in sex in between work, chores and taking care of your kids, think about times when you can get creative. Take advantage of napping kids, a fun break from chores, or some after dinner fun if the kids are occupied with their own activities.
Let’s talk about sex-Communicating with your partner about this topic may be difficult. Although your partner is someone you likely share the most intimate of thoughts with, not all of us feel comfortable talking about sex. While it may feel awkward, as with most things in our relationships, communication is key! The more we can share our likes and dislikes with our partner, the more satisfied we are likely to be. And, as with most things, the more we do talk about it, the more comfortable we are likely to get. As an added bonus, the intimacy you can feel from just having these discussions and sharing your desires can provide a feeling of emotional connection that can be just as good as the connection you get from the act itself.
Focus on more fun and less romance-When we read books and watch movies, we often see that sex is all about the romance. We are bombarded with scenes of candlelit bedrooms or steamy sex in the shower. Romance is certainly great and we all crave that at times, but sometimes we get so caught in trying to be romantic, that we forget that sex should also be fun! Remember that is okay to talk during sex and suggest something that might be different and fun for you. And it’s even okay to laugh during sex if things don’t go exactly as planned! I once had a couple tell me “I knew our sex life was good when we could both start cracking up while we were having sex.”
Make sex a time for togetherness rather than achieving a “goal” – In movies and on TV, it seems that sex always includes intercourse and both partners always have an orgasm. In real life, that’s not the case. If you believe that for sex to “count”, you both have to have to climax, that can put subtle pressure on one or both of you. Instead, broaden your definition of “sex”. It could include togetherness, touching, playing, arousal, laughing, role playing, and/or closeness but not necessarily an orgasm. If orgasm(s) happen, great. If they don’t, that’s okay too. If you don’t make that the unstated “goal” of sex, you’ll be more relaxed. Let whatever happens, happen (as long as you both consent) because the real purpose is togetherness and connection.

If you need help reconnecting and bringing the intimacy back in your relationship, contact us at getsupport@therapycenterofnj.com or 908-246-3074.

Three Myths About Marriage

December 19, 2016 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Here are three of the most popular myths about marriage:

1. I’ll never feel lonely again
2. If we have good sex, we’ll have a good marriage
3. My spouse should make me happy

We assume that securing a life partner will ‘cure’ us of feeling lonely (and a host of other painful emotions). But as humans, we’re endowed with the ability to experience ALL EMOTIONS from time to time throughout our lives. It’s normal to feel painful emotions (including loneliness) from time to time, whether or not we’re partnered up.

Great sex is awesome and might imply that the rest of the ways to connect with our partner will also be good. However, good sex is very different from the skills needed for a good marriage: the ability to express and receive love in several ways, the tools to communicate effectively, and the desire and effort to resolve differences in a healthy way.

We’re sold the idea that if we choose the right spouse, he or she will complete us/fulfill what’s been missing/make us feel happy. In reality, it’s our job to get our own needs met, to find our own happiness and purpose, and to be able to meet life on life’s terms. It is not our partner’s job to fill our lives or to make us feel good.

I hope this new perspective normalizes why your own marriage hasn’t been meeting these popular myths – your marriage isn’t supposed to be! Instead, having a spouse can be a unique and wonderful intimate relationship to add to an already full and fulfilling life.

If these myths are causing issues in your marriage, we can help you to set realistic expectations for your partner. Please feel free to contact us at 908-246-3074, or email us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment.

Does Intimacy Mean Sharing Absolutely Everything?

October 12, 2015 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Comments Off

What is Intimacy? Is it tender and emotional sex each and every time? Is it sharing everything with one another? Is it constant closeness and togetherness? Popular belief says that those things make up intimacy, but that’s misleading AND unrealistic in a long-term partnership. For how could we possibly be together with our partner all the time? Quit work, neglect the kids, and abandon our responsibilities? Of course not. And sharing absolutely everything isn’t the ideal either. We know that too much familiarity dampens eroticism.

Couples therapy promotes intimacy but it certainly needs defining first. Yet, before I do that, I’m going to say more about what intimacy is NOT. Here are three pretty obvious ways to know when you are not in intimate connection with your partner. In fact, these actions are common and ineffective means of dealing with difficult emotions that sometimes arise in relationships…

1. Being preoccupied with changing something about your partner
2. Reacting in a habitual (often defensive) way to your partner
3. Exiting the partnership (doing things to get away from or avoid your partner)

Instead, intimacy is allowing your essence, your soul or spirit, to be seen by your partner. This means being open and vulnerable about what you truly think and feel but doing so without a motive or agenda. It also means allowing your true self to be present and show up fully in any situation, including during sex. You’re conscious and aware. And when your partner is available in an open and vulnerable way with you, you remain curious, non judgmental, and try to be understanding. You’re focused on what your partner is saying rather than on your thoughts about what he/she is saying. You’re in the present moment rather than focused on the past or future. This includes when difficult emotions arise.

It’s a myth that closeness occurs only when partners are feeling happy and peaceful together. Closeness can also occur when painful emotions are present and handled with vulnerability, understanding and empathy. This can be very hard to do at first, especially when one partner may be feeling hurt, sad, lonely, or rejected. Often our first instinct is to do one or more of those three behaviors I listed earlier. Remember – those behaviors hamper closeness and intimacy. Instead, sharing painful feelings in a healthy way can build a relationship and deepen intimacy.

Here are three ways to practice intimacy and closeness…
1. Ask for an Imago Dialogue (the structure to talk and listen in an open, understanding way)
2. Learn to tolerate your own painful emotions and to contain your reactions when your partner is bearing his or her soul to you
3. Learn to give and receive love in various ways (via your body, your words, and your actions).

When you view intimacy this way, you’ll have an accurate and realistic picture of what it is. All humans need closeness with at least one other person. It is my hope that you use these guidelines to get started or to deepen intimacy with the person you love most in the world.

Sex: How It Changes Through Each Stage of Relationships

October 20, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

New clients often come into our offices saying, “I’ve fallen out of love,” or “We’re having intimacy problems,” or “The sex is not like it used to be.” Feeling like this is a disappointment, indeed. This often makes people view themselves as having a bad relationship or having chosen the wrong partner when that is not the case at all. A changing sexual connection is a normal part of all relationships. That intense heat and passion doesn’t last. How could it? We’d never get anything productive done!

More seriously, the reason that the passion doesn’t last is because it’s partly ignited by the exploration of this new person. Over time, the mystery of who this person is (their scent, their preferences, their reactions) gets answered. This leaves us with familiarity, and familiarity is NOT as erotic as newness. If couples don’t know this is the normal course of all committed relationships (and that it’s signaling that it’s time to create new ways of relating) they find themselves unhappy.

In session, we teach the Stages of Relationships – a concept from Harville Hendrix, PhD, who developed Imago Relationship Therapy. These stages are Romantic Love, the Power Struggle, Re-committment, Doing the Work and Awakening. They are characterized by the following:

Romantic Love – freely receiving and giving love because we feel accepted and desired by this new person; each person shows his/her best self
Power Struggle or Difficult Stage – we now know each other’s shortcomings, some of which drive us crazy; we are challenged to work together despite differences; we must deal with unpleasantness; we often demand the partner make changes; this stage is colored by blame and criticism
Re-committment – deciding to stay together and try to work it out
Doing the Work – fueled by curiousity about oneself; learning and using communication tools; moderating one’s affect (emotions); choosing reactions that enhance the relationship
Awakening and Real Love – stage of personal growth; a deep and true love based on knowing your partner fully AND still accepting them; being accepted for who you are as well.

So, how does sexual connection change throughout these stages? Here are the stages again, but this time let’s look at how they affect the sexual side:

Romantic Love – exploring this new person; lowered inhibitions add to more sexual expression and responsiveness; fueled by pheromones
Power Struggle or Difficult Stage – familiarity; same positions, same place and time; decreased desire; demanding the partner change either by reigniting their passionate side or cooling off their passionate side
Re-committment – deciding to stay together and redefine sex and intimacy
Doing the Work – learning to communicate needs and preferences; expand your definition of sex beyond intercourse; learning to love your body & its imperfections
Awakening and Real Love – sexual attraction based on self and sexual confidence; intimacy based on allowing one’s true self, feelings, and preferences to be seen

IT’S NORMAL for your sex life with your partner to ebb and flow throughout the relationship. In fact, it’s an opportunity for the two of you to evolve and grow together. As a result, your bond is strengthened and deepened. Is it easy? No. It takes a good deal of introspection, moderating your emotions, controlling your impulsive reactions, and understanding/empathizing with one another. Is it worth all that work? Most definitely.

Navigating through the Power Struggle/Difficult Stage can be so challenging without support and good information about relationships. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

What Many Wives Don’t Know About Sex

February 20, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Sex-in-Marriage Are you married to a loyal and loving partner who’s been asking you for more sex? Does the thought of more sex make you roll your eyes or leave you feeling completely uninspired? Often, in relationships, there are times when one partner has a higher sex drive than the other. In some cases, it is the woman who wants more intimacy in the bedroom, but many times, it is the man who is asking for more. There could be a deeper meaning underneath his wish that many wives don’t even consider: for true and caring men, sex can be the most important way they show and receive love.

For these men, sexual intimacy is their opportunity to be as close as possible to you. They may not show love as easily with words, gifts, or by doing things around the house. Instead, they may show their love sexually. They want to please you and see you excited and enjoying yourself. They want to share fun and playfulness and eroticism with you. They’ve been wanting YOU specifically; wanting access to you in a world in which you’re not preoccupied with the kids, your work, running the household, caring for elderly parents and any number of other responsibilities. They want all of you because they love you.

Because sex can be such an important expression of love to many men, it is important that you allow yourself the time to enjoy sex and alone time with your husband. It’s easy to say “no” or turn away from his advances. After all:

Is it going to take time away from the kids? Yes.
Is it going to take time away from taking care of the house? Yes.
Is it going to take time away from your other responsibilities? Yes.
Is it inconvenient and messy? Yes.
Does it lack the spontaneity it used to have? Yes.
Do you need to work harder at it to make it happen? Most likely, yes.

So, is it worth all the inconvenience? YES! All of these minor obstacles and inconveniences are easily overcome and the payoffs are HUGE.

If your husband feels connected to you, he’ll do most anything for you.
If you’re experiencing sex on a regular basis, you’ll feel happier and more relaxed.
You’ll like your body more because sex can be a reminder of the amazing ways it works and how good it can make you feel.

Perhaps most importantly, sex generates more closeness between the two of you. In turn, this generates a sense of partnership which generates a loving and fun attitude toward each other. When all of these things fall into place, the two of you feel like you can conquer any obstacle together, just like you felt when you first were attracted to one another.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Sex in Marriage: Where Has The Passion Gone?

January 21, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

If you and your spouse have been together for some time, it’s possible that you’ve been having the same, uninspired sex for a while now: same positions, same day/time/place, same techniques. It may be enjoyable and comforting to be together, you may like the physical release, or both, but it’s definitely not as hot as when you first got together. This is fairly common and it’s a big disappointment for many, many couples. They are left wondering: where has the passion gone?

Then, add to the mix an attractive acquaintance, long-time friend, or even a stranger and you might find yourself becoming sexually aroused around someone other than the person you committed yourself to. Many people take this attraction to the next level and an affair starts. Even when there’s no affair, people are surprised they’ve become attracted to another person. Most people never intended that to happen. There are multiple reasons affairs can start. Perhaps…

your sexual needs weren’t being met in your marriage.
you were craving feeling wanted, desired, and sexy again.
you were angry at your spouse and wanted covert, or overt, revenge.
you liked who you were when you were with this other person.
it was scarier to allow yourself to be deeply vulnerable with your spouse than to have a more limited relationship.
it was scarier to deeply love and be loved by a long-term partner than to have a sex-only relationship.

Let’s go back to your primary partnership. The relationship with your long-term partner certainly didn’t start out this way. If you are like many couples, you probably were ecstatic being sexual together early in your relationship: tender, loving and on fire all at the same time. You were discovering your partner, his/her preferences, his/her body, and who this new person was. This mystery was exciting and sexy. Bridging your two worlds to connect was thrilling and hot.

But now, the intense, passionate sex has subsided with your spouse because she/he is familiar. A fellow Imago therapist, Esther Perel, describes this in her compellingly titled book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic. And, no, it has nothing to do with the mating habits of apes living in zoos.

So how do we bring attraction and hot sex back into marriage?

Re-envision your partner as a mystery to be rediscovered.
Don’t assume you know all about your partner. Be curious about the sides of him/her that you don’t typically ask about.
Make a ‘sex date’ once a week for erotic touch or talk, not necessarily intercourse. Don’t discount this one. It makes your sex life at least as important as other parts of your lives together, which was likely the case at the beginning of your relationship when things were hot.
Remember that having a strong marriage is an essential part of being a good parent. Make sure you focus on your partner as well as your children.
Talk to your physician about any physical issues that may be interfering with sex.
Talk to your therapist about any emotions that may be interfering.

To learn more about how to pump up the passion and/or to work though an affair, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Infidelity: How Working Through it Can STRENGTHEN a Marriage

November 25, 2013 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

We think we should be strong enough to survive alone. Regarding
marriage, we think that if we are betrayed by an unfaithful partner, we should
leave. Well-meaning friends tend to tell the spouse who was betrayed, “You
should leave the bastard!” as if that’s the right, and only, response.

But, leaving immediately is a poor solution because…

1) It oversimplifies the issue. Anyone who has experienced
infidelity (and marriage) for themselves knows the choices are not so black or
white.

2) The ability to work through conflict is actually a higher level
skill than surviving on one’s own. It takes more maturity to resolve
issues than it does to escape them.

3) It indicates that the cheating partner is solely to blame,
ignoring all the tension and distance that led up to the affair. It places all
the responsibility for the affair on the partner who was unfaithful and implies
that the other person was an innocent victim. Although the partner who was
unfaithful DID MAKE bad choices and going through a rough patch in a marriage
doesn’t excuse actually having an affair, it’s highly unlikely that the
cheating partner is 100% the source of the problem.

When both partners work through the aftermath of an affair, it can
ultimately lead to a stronger marriage. A good recovery needs several
things to happen.

First, the couple needs to find a way to discuss their feelings about
what happened. The one cheated on needs to let their spouse know how
shocked, devastated, betrayed and angry they feel. Also, the cheater needs to
talk about their feelings about the marriage leading up to the affair.

This is very hard to do. Some couples scream, shout, or let
the spouse know in some other unproductive way how they are feeling. When this
happens, the feelings don’t get talked about in a way that allows the partner
to hear and take them in. That’s why, during this first stage of shock and
intense feelings, you need the support and help of a skilled couples
counselor like those here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey. A
good couples counselor will help both partners to get out what needs to be
expressed in a productive way. They will also help the other partner
to withstand this stage of intense feelings and find a way to have empathy for
their partner. Understanding and empathy for one
another are crucial to the repair process.

In the second stage, the couple explores what led up
to the infidelity. Affairs happen for numerous reasons and do not always
indicate that things were ‘bad’ in the marriage. They will look at
what was going on in their relationship, whether it was lack of connection,
hostility, having lost touch with oneself, falling into a role they believed
they needed to be in, or an unmet longing to feel desired, wanted, and
cherished. Couples need to ask, “What was occurring between us at that time?
How did we each contribute to the state of the marriage back then? How were we
each behaving that got in our own way of getting our needs met?”

Notice a very important shift here: from ‘you’ to ‘us’. A
knowledgeable couples therapist will lead the couple in exploring, not from a
place of blame and criticism but from a wish to learn from what has happened.
This will help the couple to honestly and maturely face what was going
on. This shift indicates a new perspective in the partners: The affair
happened to us. We were both involved in some way in this
unfolding, whether one partner was actively driving the other away with
negative behavior, being inactive in the relationship by not reaching out to
make things better, or if something else was going on. This shift is a
different way of saying, “something wasn’t right between us.” Often,
prior to an affair happening, the couple had tried numerous ways to make things
better but wasn’t successful. Then, one of them unconsciously upped the ante –
the affair raised the stakes. What they were trying wasn’t working so they
forced a change by committing the infidelity. In doing so, whether they knew it
or not, their relationship HAD to change then.

The third stage is all about creating a new relationship with your
‘old’ spouse. The two of you can’t go back to how things were before.
After all, that’s what lead to the infidelity in the first place. During this
third stage the sense of partnership, union, or ‘we’ is evident as the
couple discusses what needs to be different between them in order for them to
move forward together. Again, the counselor moves the couple away from
blaming the other (you need to change X) to help them jointly take
responsibility for the climate between them.

At this point, it’s also important that the relationship gets repaired
on a sexual level as well because the betrayal deeply impacted that
part of each spouse. A repaired sexual relationship is one in which each person
has asked him/herself, “What parts of my sexuality was I suppressing in my
marriage and could only experience with the ‘other’ person? How can I bring
more of my whole self into my sexual connection with my spouse?” Both partners find
the courage to express fantasies, alternate sides of personality, and
non-politically correct impulses in the marital sex. THAT takes real courage. Working
with an accepting therapist who knows that humans are complicated
beings with all sorts of deeper, shameful impulses that are okay to allow to
show up in a long-term union can help couples repair sexual
relationships and achieve this intimacy.

Although it can seem like it’s the ultimate betrayal, infidelity doesn’t have
to be a deal breaker. In fact, marriages can become stronger, leading
to new beginnings and deeper connections. Here at Couples
Therapy Center we can help.

To
learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call
908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Sex: An Expression of Many Parts of Yourself

October 26, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

If you’ve been with your partner a long time, it’s likely that your sex life is vastly different now than it used to be. Couples in long-term relationships tell me all the time that they’re having less (or no) sex, and that it’s plain vanilla – the same tried and true position, or quick and to the point because of the kids and schedules.

When I talk about ‘sex’ I’m including all types of intimate contact. This includes:

holding hands
back scratches
foot rubs
kissing
oral and anal sex
masterbation
intercourse

In other words, any interaction between consenting adults. People engage in sex for many different reasons:

adult play
stress relief
expression of power and aggression
expression of sexuality
physical relief
a ‘reset button’ (a means to repair after a conflict)
love and closeness

Sex is a form of play for adults. Think of the ways kids know instinctively how to play. They climb on the playground, have pillow fights, dress-up and role-play both tender and aggressive characters. Sex can be an adult-version of play which serves many purposes:

physical stimulation
role-play and fantasy
a chance to be aggressive
a chance to relax, laugh, and have fun.

Hearing that sex is a chance to be aggressive may surprise you. Many people, especially women, are uncomfortable with their aggressive side. By aggression during sex, I don’t mean abuse, shaming or forcing someone to do something they don’t want to. I mean a healthy expression of aggression like taking control, being on-top, and making sure to get your own needs met. Sexual play gives us the chance to explore and express this assertive and powerful side of ourselves.

On the other side is passivity and submission. Again, I’m not talking about being unwantedly intruded upon or forced to do something you’re not into. Healthy passivity is allowing yourself to lay back, to receive pleasure, to let go emotionally and physically, to be held, and to receive love. Often it’s men who are uncomfortable with this side of themselves. Many times, if men are conflicted about this side of themselves they don’t allow it to be seen elsewhere and the only time they allow it to show up is during sex when they’re in connection with someone they trust.

Other people do the opposite: they only feel comfortable acting out these conflicted sides of themselves with a total stranger or someone they know they’ll never see again. If you’ve done this, I invite you to consider sharing this side of yourself with your long-term partner. Find the courage to let your partner know about these other sides of you. It can be highly erotic to discover something new about someone you’ve been with for a long time and thought you knew fully. Take it slowly until you know it’s safe emotionally. You could begin simply by telling your partner what you’d like or showing them without words. If you’re scared, preface it with “Please don’t laugh at me, but there’s something I’ve been thinking about…” Who knows, maybe the two of you will end up laughing together to relieve the tension. Maybe it will be a big hit – the new thing! Or maybe a big flop. The expression and the exploration is the best part here.

Sex with a long-term partner can be a safe place for all different aspects of ourselves to be expressed, explored, and played with. I keep choosing words with double meanings – DO take this both ways! Just talking about sex should be fun and playful.

Using sex to express other sides of yourself in the safety of someone you trust, even if you expresses things that don’t seem to be what men and women are typically ‘supposed to’ like, is good and healthy and normal. It’s an intimacy builder and a form of adult play. And we all need more play in our lives!

To learn more or to schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center, call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com and use our online scheduler.

Sex In Marriage: Keeping the Passion Alive, Post Children

April 17, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Remember when you were newlyweds and you couldn’t get enough of each other?

You’d dress up for dates so that you looked and felt sexy and then eagerly anticipate returning home together? And other evenings when you weren’t going anywhere, you’d slip something sexy on to spice things up in the bedroom? But now you are parents, and things have changed dramatically. Where did the excitement, passion, and anticipation go? How do we, as parents, maintain our sexual selves?

In our culture, good parents are presented as nurturing, self-sacrificing, and asexual. There is a disconnect between being a parent and being a sexual being. Many parents pass down this sense of detachment from their own sexuality in several ways:

disapproving of a child’s first sexual exploration (masturbation)
not speaking of sex
avoiding direct and factual discussions of the body

If you are like many couples, you probably enjoyed being sexual together early in your relationship. You could plan elaborate dates and spend time on foreplay. You took time to relax and explore one another during sex. It was hot. You felt sexy; you needed and wanted sex. Then you became parents and your sex life took a backseat.

It can be all too easy to put sex on the backburner, but in a world full of career, childrearing, running a household, and giving to others, sex can be a respite from the demands of everyday life. Both the mundane and the stress of daily living are transcended during sex play between married partners. It’s a way to close the door on the world and explore oneself and one’s partner with the only purpose being to experience pleasure and express love. It is a means for couples to connect in a way that they don’t with anyone else.

Most couples counseling emphasizes talking as the primary way to communicate. While talking is important, our bodies can communicate as much or more than our words. Sexual touch is a powerful communicator. It reminds us that ‘We really are connected. We DO love one another. It is safe to let go in front of my partner. He still desires me. She still gets excited at my touch.’ After an argument or disconnect, sex can feel like hitting the reset button for the marriage. It lets us know that, ‘We hit a rough patch, but now we’re connected once again.’

How do we bring good sex back into marriage? Finding new ways to think about sex can help.

Value your partner as a person who is different from you – think of him/her as a mystery to be rediscovered.
Think of foreplay as beginning hours or days before you plan to be together; flirt, enjoy each other’s company and let the anticipation build.
Value sex as a way to reconnect after an argument or rupture.
Remember that as a human, you are a sexual being and this is a gift.
Remember that having a strong marriage is an essential part of being a good parent; make sure you focus on your partner too, rather than just your children.
Talk to your physician about any physical issues that may be interfering with sex.
Talk to your therapist about any emotions that may be interfering.

To learn more about how to pump up the passion after you’ve had children, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

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