Archives for words

How to Talk To A Real Live Person: 4 Tools for Clear, Effective, In-person Communication

October 17, 2016 by admin in Relationships | Comments Off on How to Talk To A Real Live Person: 4 Tools for Clear, Effective, In-person Communication

couple-talking-in-bed

by Lauren Roberts, Practicum Student-Therapist under the Supervision of Meredith Keller LPC, ACS

 

Talking has changed drastically in recent years: for many, the majority of ‘conversations’ are held through technology. These advances, however, can also have their faults. Have you ever felt like you were speaking to someone and it was like talking to a brick wall? Or maybe you go back and forth with each other over texting, but find that nothing gets resolved. When debating through text or email, words or phrases can easily be misinterpreted, causing an even bigger argument.  Or maybe you do talk in person and think an issue has been resolved, only to find that it continues to annoy you. These are all signs of a decrease in effective communication.

In any relationship, whether you are married or dating, clear, effective communication is KEY. More importantly, understanding each other can deepen a connection you have to your partner. Many couples think they do not have a problem with the way they communicate, yet they repeatedly find themselves feeling frustrated during an exchange.  Assumptions and misinterpretations can run rampant. There may be little listening going on as each person is busy formulating their response.  Even something as simple as the phrasing of a question or tone of voice may prompt misunderstanding. In order to improve communication with your partner, you need to be ready to make the effort to do so and make sure that you have the proper skills and tools.

Here are four simple tools for clear, effective communication with your partner:

  1. Stop and listen, force yourself to hear

More often than not, we pretend to listen to our partners when they are talking to us. Maybe thoughts about the game are on your mind, or worrying about making dinner. Rarely do we give our partners our 100% undivided attention and really listen to what they are saying. Listening is more than just looking at them or saying “yeah I got it”. It involves reflection and understanding of what the message is that your partner is trying to convey. Through effective listening, understanding is developed and you may be able to connect on a deeper level to your partner.

  1. Ask questions from a place of curiosity

Asking questions often shows interest in what the other has done or is doing. This can also show your partner that you care about their day or the issues they are bringing to you. Being actively engaged in the conversation will improve your communication skills, as well as listening skills.

  1. Talk it out in person

For many, communicating has become focused around technology. Having serious arguments or conversations is being masked by a screen. Being able to talk to your partner in person allows for a deeper connection and can prompt more understanding and is especially needed when discussing important or emotional topics.

  1. Pay attention to non verbal signals

Being able to notice subtle signals that your partner gives off can aid communication significantly. For example, if you say something and your partner starts looking down and playing with their shirt or clenches their fists, this could be a clue as to what your partner may be thinking or feeling. But don’t assume.  Instead, say that you notice what they’re doing and ask them to tell you what’s going on for them right now.  Noticing and talking about non verbal signals can be used to deepen the conversation.

Using these four simple steps, you can vastly improve the communication between you and your partner. I challenge you to try these and see the influence they have on your relationship. If you are having trouble communicating with your partner, we can assist you in developing effective communication styles that will reduce arguments and deepen connection. Please feel free to contact us at 908-246-3074, or email us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment.

My Mother Turns 75 This Month: How the family plans to express our appreciation of her

November 2, 2015 by admin in Events, Family, Giving Thanks, Holidays, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off on My Mother Turns 75 This Month: How the family plans to express our appreciation of her

Mom On Carousel

My brother, sister and I are throwing a party in her honor. As fun as it will be connecting with family and friends, there’s one aspect of her birthday celebration I’m most excited about: a scrapbook of notes from those who love her and photos of them with her. When I realized this scrapbook is really about the appreciation people feel for my mother, I decided to share this with my followers. This coincides nicely with Thanksgiving approaching because it’s typically the time of year when we reflect on that which we’re grateful for. I’ll tell you how we’re doing it and it may inspire you to do the same for your loved one.

We mailed out blank white cards for people to use if they wish and instructed them to mail them to me (with a photo, if they can find one) in advance of the party. Then I’ve been sliding the notes and photos into the sheets of the book. It’s not fancy but the love and appreciation that it contains is astounding. I’ve been surprised and touched by what I’ve received.

For one, my cousin sent me an old photo I don’t remember ever seeing: It’s my mother age 6 or so riding a horse on a carousel. She’s in her 1940’s Sunday best and smiling from ear to ear. The photo is adorable, nostalgic, and touching. My heart was overcome with fondness to think of my cousins and aunt and uncle making time to find that old photo for this project.

Also, beautiful, funny and sentimental notes are arriving. They’ve described their appreciation for my mother helping their aging or ill parent AND just how much that meant to them. One person wrote about her gratitude when my mother sat with HER during a recovery. A former neighbor wrote about how his wife looked forward to walking to my mother’s house to retrieve items they picked up for each other on their last trip to the grocery store and looked forward to the companionship. My note is about how I admire my mother’s sense of adventure. She was and, to a lesser extent now, is always up for an outing, a social event, or going to the beach or the mountains. I love that about her and I’m sure it’s part of what made me in the person I’ve become: willing to explore, be active and to try new things.

I’m so excited to present the book of gratitude (and love) to her at the party. She’ll briefly look through it that day but I imagine the true scope of the book will reveal itself later when she has quiet time at home to savor each note. She’ll take in all the words of love and appreciation people feel for her, but so rarely express. This is true for most of us: we hardly make the time to tell those we love or admire how we feel about them. We have busy lives. We’re doing THINGS but not making time to connect with others.

I hope you’re considering doing something like this for your loved one even if the relationship isn’t always wonderful. My mother’s and my relationship certainly isn’t. We’ve had, and continue to have, our share of ups and downs, disagreements, misunderstandings and hurts. Yet the process of compiling this book has reminded me of the value of expressing the positives we do feel.

Here’s how you can create something similar.
• Purchase a scrapbook that contains clear sheets you can slide things into
• Ask friends and family if they’d be willing to write a brief note about the person you have in mind
• Give them ideas of what to write about (a fond or hilarious memory, something they appreciate or admire about this person, or words of love)
• Ask them to include a photo if possible
• Instruct them as to how to get the notes and photos to you
• Slide them into the scrapbook pages & use photo safe tape to hold the photos in place
• Present the completed book to your loved one
• Allow them to look through the book privately if they prefer

November is a great time to reflect on what we’re thankful for, including the people in our lives. May you find a way to express to those you love exactly what you love about them.

Hurt By Hearsay? How Therapy Rebuilds Your Sense of Safety

September 29, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

close-up-18753_1280Gossip – sometimes it seems we’re surrounded by it.  We hear it all the time.  It glares at us from nearly every grocery store headline.  Have you seen so-and-so’s new haircut?  What was he/she thinking?  And what about those two?  Can you believe they did that?!

On the surface, gossiping can seem like harmless, idle chatter.  It goes on all the time – and not just on the newsstands.  I’m sure we’ve all been in a situation where the conversation turned to pointing out the flaws or misfortunes of others behind their backs.  But think twice before you chime in – gossiping about someone else can hurt YOU, in ways you may not even suspect.  Believe it or not, gossiping about others leads to unease, insecurity, and even to deciding not to trust anyone ever again.

Initially, sharing negative information about someone else can make you feel close to the person you’re talking to.  But, deep down you know that he/she has the capability to talk hurtfully about you when you’re not around.  The temporary closeness you feel is not true intimacy.  In fact, there’s very little closeness here.  Being genuinely connected to another person involves each person sharing their feelings ABOUT THEMSELVES, not feelings they have about another person.  If this is the way your family communicated when you were growing up, it’s likely you rarely had a sense of relationships being safe and trustworthy.

And don’t forget the flip side of gossip.  Sadly, almost all of us have had some time in our life when WE were the one who was being talked about.  Think back to how you felt: mildly embarrassed, completely betrayed, hurt, humiliated, mortified?  Whether we are the one doing the talking or the one being talked about, gossip chips away at our sense of trust, safety, comfort, and security.

If you find it hard to trust that others won’t turn on you, or if you have ever been betrayed or gossiped about, it can be a huge relief to talk to a therapist who is bound by law to keep sessions confidential . For some, the experience of safety and trust they feel with their therapist is quite new.  Not only are therapists bound by law to do this, we also WANT to keep what you say confidential.  We want to give you the experience of feeling secure and knowing that you will not be mocked, made fun of, or talked negatively about for something you said, did, or thought.

Once you feel this genuine security that therapy can provide, you can begin to open up.  Finally, there is someone you can share your inner world with.  What a relief to talk about the thoughts you have rarely, if ever, verbalized! Your therapist will be there for you to share the feelings you really feel about people and situations.  But this is not done with the intention of bad-mouthing someone else. Instead, it is done with the intention of learning about yourself and why that person triggers an intense reaction in you.  As a result, you will learn to handle these situations better in the future.

Feeling safe to finally open up to someone again is both powerful and beautiful. It sets the stage for you to put an end to feelings of insecurity, to learn to banish toxic talk, and to learn to trust again.

Don’t you deserve to create this type of relationship for yourself again?

Maintaining a happy, healthy, long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world.  Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results.  Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily.  The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help.   We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships.  We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you?  No problem!  We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment.  Don’t wait any longer.  Start making positive changes today.

Words Are Crucial: How Speaking Your Unfiltered Thoughts Could Be Impacting Your Relationship

August 11, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

face-63980_640Words have so much power. Depending on how we use them, words have the power to inspire, to hurt, or to heal. Notice what you say to your partner. Are you saying words that support and inspire your spouse? Are you using words that soothe and heal him/her? Or are you using words that criticize or shame your partner?

We often fail to consider the impact that our words have on others because we spend so much time talking. We think that our words don’t really matter, or won’t have much of an effect on anyone else. The rationale is, “I talk all day. Each thing I say doesn’t really have that much of an impact on others.” Put that together with the fact that most people are poor listeners and it’s easy to convince ourselves that our words won’t have a very big impact on someone else’s life. However, this is not true. Our words DO make a difference to others.

Think back to a specific childhood memory. Try to recall an instance when you were with a teacher, a parent, a friend, a sibling, or a bully. Can you recall exactly what that person said to you? Chances are, you can. Now notice the feelings you have in connection to that incident. Do you remember feeling loved, encouraged, threatened, or demeaned? Often, we can remember exactly what someone said to us years, or even decades later, because it had an emotional impact on us. The words that person chose to speak at that time served to inspire, hurt, or heal us.

The words you use now have this same power. The people in your life can feel touched by your supportive words. They can be healed by your loving words. By the same token, they can feel demeaned or hurt by your critical words. That’s why it’s so important that you think about what you say to your partner. Which type of words do you use most with your spouse? It’s important for you to realize that the way you talk to your spouse IS impacting him/her – even if he/she tries not to let you see it. If you look carefully, you might notice a slight smile or see their body relax when you speak words of caring. Or you might see their brow crease or body tense when you speak words of judgment.

Here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey, we teach couples and individuals to be more aware of the words they use. We can show you how to choose your words with deliberation and care so that they will have a positive impact on your relationship. We want you to pick your words knowing full well that they will affect the person you love. We want to help you learn to choose the words that will bring those you love closer rather than drive them away. The words you choose have the power to inspire, to hurt or to heal. Which ones are you choosing? Call or email us. We can set up a time to chat so that you can become more aware of how your words might be impacting the most important relationship of your life. Working with us will help you learn when to filter your thoughts and when to speak your mind so that your words will help and heal your relationship, rather than harm it.

Maintaining a happy, healthy long-term relationship can be so difficult with all the pressures and challenges in today’s fast-paced world. Maybe you’ve tried counseling before with little to no results. Maybe you ended up more frustrated or things improved a little, but only temporarily. The therapists at Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help. We’re all specialists in the area of intimate relationships. We can give you the support, new perspective, and tools you need to have more love and excitement in your relationship. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? No problem! We see individuals, too. Call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsuppport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com now to schedule your appointment. Don’t wait any longer. Start making positive changes today.

Vulnerable Language: An Important Way to Connect With Loved Ones

October 23, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

It is so easy to be careless with our words, even though words have tremendous power to either connect us or distance us from others.  Choosing words more carefully can improve communication and result in a closer connection with those we love.  A more careful way of communicating is by using Vulnerable Language.  Using Vulnerable Language means using words that show our true thoughts and feelings to the listener.

We are vulnerable when we use feeling words such as, “I felt (happy, hurt, scared) when …” Speaking these words allows the listener to see into our internal world.  Sharing our feelings with those who respect us can increase closeness and encourage true understanding.  However, not every feeling word is vulnerable.  Some feeling words, like anger and frustration, are not vulnerable because they keep us distant from the listener. Read More

Words Are Crucial: How Speaking Your Unfiltered Thoughts Could Be Impacting Your Relationship

June 9, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Words have so much power.  Depending on how we use them, words have the power to inspire, to hurt, or to heal.  Notice what you say to your partner.  Are you saying words that support and inspire your spouse?  Are you using words that soothe and heal him/her?  Or are you using words that criticize or shame your partner?

We often fail to consider the impact that our words have on others because we spend so much time talking.  We think that our words don’t really matter, or won’t have much of an effect on anyone else.  The rationale is, “I talk all day.  Each thing I say doesn’t really have that much of an impact on others.”  Put that together with the fact that most people are poor listeners and it’s easy to convince ourselves that our words won’t have a very big impact on someone else’s life.  However, this is not true.  Our words DO make a difference to others. Read More