Focus on Family: Showing Love By Listening

March 17, 2014 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Listening shows children we love them. As parents, we listen to our kids by paying attention to the words they are saying and by repeating back to them what we’ve heard them say. In Imago Therapy, this is called “mirroring.” Parents do this by saying, “What I heard you say was…” Parents can also help by remarking on what the child has said that makes sense to them. Listening, repeating, and understanding helps kids feel valued by their parents. There are times this is all that’s needed to help your child cope with something challenging.

As a parent myself, I have witnessed firsthand how listening and mirroring has helped my child. Once on vacation, my daughter wanted us to buy her a hermit crab after her friend got one. My first thought was, “Oh no, not another pet to clean up after.” I held that thought inside of me and said to my daughter and husband, “Let’s talk together about it tomorrow.” On our drive out of town, we took turns talking. My husband began by saying his thoughts. Then my daughter stated why she wanted a hermit crab: “We could buy it colored rocks and all we’d have to do is feed it. I REALLY, REALLY want one.” I mirrored her by saying, “I know you REALLY, REALLY want a hermit crab. I heard you say we could buy it colored rocks and all we would have to do is give it food. Did I get it?” She responded “Yes.” She added more and I mirrored that too. When it was my turn I told her that I understood her wish because I liked having a hermit crab as a pet when I was a child. Soon, we were onto a different subject. A few days passed. My husband and I realized that she hadn’t mentioned the hermit crab again. We were amazed because she had been so adamant! We were further amazed when she saw the friend with the hermit crab again and made no further mention of her wish for one as a pet.

What I realized was this: my daughter had felt heard and understood. And that was enough. By choosing not to say anything at first, I gave her the “space” to fully tell us how she saw things. She felt loved by us in this way. The content of her wish (wanting the hermit crab) wasn’t nearly as important as the process of being listened to. All children want their parents’ love and attention more than they want any material thing. Just as you do with your spouse, give your child the gift of being truly heard.

To schedule an appointment to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Infidelity: How Working Through it Can STRENGTHEN a Marriage

November 25, 2013 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

We think we should be strong enough to survive alone. Regarding
marriage, we think that if we are betrayed by an unfaithful partner, we should
leave. Well-meaning friends tend to tell the spouse who was betrayed, “You
should leave the bastard!” as if that’s the right, and only, response.

But, leaving immediately is a poor solution because…

1) It oversimplifies the issue. Anyone who has experienced
infidelity (and marriage) for themselves knows the choices are not so black or
white.

2) The ability to work through conflict is actually a higher level
skill than surviving on one’s own. It takes more maturity to resolve
issues than it does to escape them.

3) It indicates that the cheating partner is solely to blame,
ignoring all the tension and distance that led up to the affair. It places all
the responsibility for the affair on the partner who was unfaithful and implies
that the other person was an innocent victim. Although the partner who was
unfaithful DID MAKE bad choices and going through a rough patch in a marriage
doesn’t excuse actually having an affair, it’s highly unlikely that the
cheating partner is 100% the source of the problem.

When both partners work through the aftermath of an affair, it can
ultimately lead to a stronger marriage. A good recovery needs several
things to happen.

First, the couple needs to find a way to discuss their feelings about
what happened. The one cheated on needs to let their spouse know how
shocked, devastated, betrayed and angry they feel. Also, the cheater needs to
talk about their feelings about the marriage leading up to the affair.

This is very hard to do. Some couples scream, shout, or let
the spouse know in some other unproductive way how they are feeling. When this
happens, the feelings don’t get talked about in a way that allows the partner
to hear and take them in. That’s why, during this first stage of shock and
intense feelings, you need the support and help of a skilled couples
counselor like those here at Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey. A
good couples counselor will help both partners to get out what needs to be
expressed in a productive way. They will also help the other partner
to withstand this stage of intense feelings and find a way to have empathy for
their partner. Understanding and empathy for one
another are crucial to the repair process.

In the second stage, the couple explores what led up
to the infidelity. Affairs happen for numerous reasons and do not always
indicate that things were ‘bad’ in the marriage. They will look at
what was going on in their relationship, whether it was lack of connection,
hostility, having lost touch with oneself, falling into a role they believed
they needed to be in, or an unmet longing to feel desired, wanted, and
cherished. Couples need to ask, “What was occurring between us at that time?
How did we each contribute to the state of the marriage back then? How were we
each behaving that got in our own way of getting our needs met?”

Notice a very important shift here: from ‘you’ to ‘us’. A
knowledgeable couples therapist will lead the couple in exploring, not from a
place of blame and criticism but from a wish to learn from what has happened.
This will help the couple to honestly and maturely face what was going
on. This shift indicates a new perspective in the partners: The affair
happened to us. We were both involved in some way in this
unfolding, whether one partner was actively driving the other away with
negative behavior, being inactive in the relationship by not reaching out to
make things better, or if something else was going on. This shift is a
different way of saying, “something wasn’t right between us.” Often,
prior to an affair happening, the couple had tried numerous ways to make things
better but wasn’t successful. Then, one of them unconsciously upped the ante –
the affair raised the stakes. What they were trying wasn’t working so they
forced a change by committing the infidelity. In doing so, whether they knew it
or not, their relationship HAD to change then.

The third stage is all about creating a new relationship with your
‘old’ spouse. The two of you can’t go back to how things were before.
After all, that’s what lead to the infidelity in the first place. During this
third stage the sense of partnership, union, or ‘we’ is evident as the
couple discusses what needs to be different between them in order for them to
move forward together. Again, the counselor moves the couple away from
blaming the other (you need to change X) to help them jointly take
responsibility for the climate between them.

At this point, it’s also important that the relationship gets repaired
on a sexual level as well because the betrayal deeply impacted that
part of each spouse. A repaired sexual relationship is one in which each person
has asked him/herself, “What parts of my sexuality was I suppressing in my
marriage and could only experience with the ‘other’ person? How can I bring
more of my whole self into my sexual connection with my spouse?” Both partners find
the courage to express fantasies, alternate sides of personality, and
non-politically correct impulses in the marital sex. THAT takes real courage. Working
with an accepting therapist who knows that humans are complicated
beings with all sorts of deeper, shameful impulses that are okay to allow to
show up in a long-term union can help couples repair sexual
relationships and achieve this intimacy.

Although it can seem like it’s the ultimate betrayal, infidelity doesn’t have
to be a deal breaker. In fact, marriages can become stronger, leading
to new beginnings and deeper connections. Here at Couples
Therapy Center we can help.

To
learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call
908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Valentine’s Day and The Myth That Couples Should Always Be Close

February 26, 2013 by admin in Emotions, Family, Holidays, Relationships | Leave a comment

The common (and incorrect) assumption about relationships is that if we just find the right person, then we’ll always be close. We start in Romantic Love where we can’t get enough of each other. During this early stage of love, we are each other’s most passionate supporter and in sync sexually. Most people believe that as time goes on, if we’ve chosen the right person, we’ll learn more and more about each other, we’ll come to agree on most things, and we’ll get closer and more intimate with each passing year. The myth is that we shouldn’t argue or disagree, there should always be harmony, and that if our partner cares enough he/she will know all about us – our wishes and needs. It follows, then, that we shouldn’t need to verbalize our wishes and needs because, ‘if she/he really cared, she/he would just know’. These myths have gotten many couples in a lot of conflict.

Part of what characterizes real love is quite different from that misconception. Real love vacillates between closeness and distance, between moments of love and moments of hurt/loneliness/hopelessness. It moves from one to the other and back again the way a fan moves from side to side countless times. It’s normal for people in long-term relationships to sometimes love and sometimes hate, yes, even hate, the other. (Actually hate is closer to love than you’d expect. Hate, although it’s painful and difficult, indicates that we DO care enough to have a strong opinion. It indicates that we are invested in this person and what he/she does and thinks and feels. The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is, in fact, disinterest, not caring, and not being impacted by the other.)

Real love is a relationship in which we experience intense feelings, not lack of feelings. We are sometimes close, intimate, understanding and empathetic and other times we are angry, hurt, lonely, and distant. And of course, the other in-between feelings also exist in real love: peacefulness, contentedness, frustration, happiness, sadness – and the list goes on. Remember that feelings come and go. Relationships, on the other hand, require commitment and personal responsibility to weather the storms and last for the long-term.

What makes a good, strong relationship is the ability to move FROM distance BACK TO closeness. How do couples do that? They do it with:

a new perspective on how relationships are meant to help us grow those unfinished parts of ourselves
tools such as listening, understanding, and empathy
the support of others.

These are all the tools you’ve seen me writing about for years. You can find many of these articles on my website.

So whether this Valentine’s Day was one of the best celebrations of your love, one of the worst times between you, OR somewhere in between, know that you can expect your relationship to move from one state to another as time progresses. If things are great right now, its likely that you will have a rupture coming up and the opportunity to re-establish closeness following that. If things are crappy right now, your challenge is to learn to move closer to each other again. Recognizing that it’s a myth that couples should always be close (AND learning what IS true for long-term relationships) can help you to do what you need to do to bring back the closeness, love, and fondness you long for.

To find out more, come work with us here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Relationships: Finding Harmony, Even During Hardships

November 15, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships | Leave a comment

Every once in awhile, something unprecedented happens and we suddenly find ourselves out of our normal routine and dealing with either minor inconveniences or extreme difficulties caused by circumstances beyond our control. Many of us found ourselves in just such a situation recently when Hurricane Sandy blew through.

During the aftermath of the storm, our lives were disrupted. Most of our normal activities were put on hold. Families found themselves spending hour upon hour together with no one leaving for work or school and without the distractions of lights in other rooms, TV, Internet or phone. In addition, many found themselves living with extended family and friends who don’t normally live with them as they sheltered together to help cope with the storm’s destruction.

Extended time together, along with limited or no essentials such as water, heat, and electricity magnifies the normal family dynamics. If things are good, situations like this can help you pull together even more. If things are not so good, the additional stress can bring out the difficulties that were already brewing. Family patterns arise even more intensely under this type of stress. The same is true for couples.

If couples and families were working well together, it’s likely that there was harmony doing tasks like:

getting generators running
finding alternate ways to cook and stay warm
cleaning up together
helping loved ones and neighbors and those in hardest hit communities
taking on projects
identifying who is good at which task and divvying up chores
modeling for your children resiliency, gratitude, and philanthropy
increased sex/physical closeness

If there was discord, the tension likely got worse and included:

more arguing
more disagreements (about the big stuff AND the small stuff)
emotional distance

How can we ensure that we will work together when difficulties arise and avoid breaking apart? First, we need to recognize some things that are essential in order to have harmony in marriage:

know that your partner is different from you and value his/her strengths
have gratitude that this person is your partner in life
be able to ask clearly for what you want and, if your partner can’t give it, find another healthy way to get it
take good care of yourself
view your marriage as a source of strength, companionship, and passion rather than focusing on what’s lacking
nurture the relationship by asking, “What does the relationship need?” as opposed to “What do I need from this relationship?”
allow yourself to receive the love that your partner is already giving
know that the occasional argument/hurt/anger is normal even in healthy relationships – it’s your ability to repair afterwards which makes the difference.

Experiencing hardship can strain any relationship. Learning to find harmony in these situations and in your everyday life will help you weather hardships and grow together.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center, call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com and use our online scheduler.

Summer’s Coming: What Are You Going To Do With Your Kids??

April 27, 2012 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

The weather is warming up quickly. Summer camp registration is well underway. Before you know it, the pool will be open and it will be time for the beach, picnics and barbeques. It won’t be long before your kids come home from school shouting, “School’s out for summer!!”

Do those words bring you a feeling of excitement and happy anticipation as thoughts of summer stretch out before you? Or do they bring you a feeling of dread?

For many of us, knowing that we’ll have to help our young children and teens occupy the long days of summer can be daunting. It can be a source of worry, stress and tension. For the next two months, you will be expected to play the role of events coordinator to your children – who seem to feel entitled to fabulous vacations, extravagant daytrips, specialty camps, and movies – all arranged for and paid for by you! Maybe you have a teen who needs to get a summer job and is dragging his/her feet. Perhaps you dread the expected and all-too-common refrains of, “I’m bored. There’s nothing to do. I don’t want to go outside.” Then again, maybe it’s the inevitable bickering between siblings who are together all day that makes you cringe.

In addition to these unpleasant prospects, you’d like it if your children’s brains didn’t turn to mush over the 10 weeks of summer vacation. How do you get them to read or practice some type of academics? On top of that, you still have your own responsibilities. How are you going to get your own work done?! Is it possible for you to enjoy the summer with the kids home from school?

You CAN enjoy the summer with your kids. It does take a healthy dose of planning and patience. Try some of these ideas:

Invite your kids to try a hobby or sport that you enjoy, like golf or cycling. Pick something that you can do together. That way you’ll be having fun alongside your kids.
Make time for yourself to get things done AND to relax and recharge. Schedule dinner or drinks with friends, or perhaps a weekend away, to ensure you have time for both work and play.
Structure your days at home with the kids. Set a routine so that you spend mornings reading together on the couch, make time to go to the pool after lunch every day, or take a regular evening walk after dinner. The school year/day is highly structured and that works well for kids. Make sure you implement some structure into your summer too. That way the kids will know what to expect and will relax into the routine.
Hire help. Take advantage of neighborhood teens who are looking for extra income and have more time over the summer. You can hire them at a moderate cost to provide temporary or long term childcare or household help.
Involve your kids in planning larger trips. Research vacations, day trips or activities that are within your budget and then have each child choose one or more of their favorites and put it on the calendar. Knowing that some bigger fun is planned can help kids get through the days at home.
Check community resources. Many communities provide fun options that can be entertaining and economical when money is a concern. Do you have a town pool? Does the recreation department offer summer camp? Perhaps your library has free programs for children. How about the local churches? You can enrich your child’s religious education by enrolling them in one or more vacation bible schools.
Swap with other parents. Set up a regular schedule or agreement where each parent takes a turn watching all the kids so the other parent(s) can have time to themselves. Your kids will have built-in social time with playmates and you’ll have time to focus on your own tasks – or just relax!

To learn more about how to make summer fun for the whole family, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.

Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Focus on Family: How To Get Kids Motivated

April 3, 2012 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

It’s a beautiful spring day, but instead of spending it outside your child has been sitting in front of the TV for hours.
You know your child is smart but he/she only puts forth minimal effort and doesn’t seem to care about schoolwork and getting into college.
Getting your child to do his/her chores had become such a battle that lately you just do them yourself – it’s so much easier.

You’ve tried everything to motivate your kids but nothing seems to work. You’ve asked nicely, you’ve demanded, you’ve threatened and you’ve punished but it’s either the same old battle or you’ve just given up.

The good news here is that things CAN change. Kids can develop new ways of acting. Even habits that have been in place for years can be unlearned and replaced by new habits. Make no mistake, it takes a lot of patience, optimism, and commitment on the part of the parents, but the rewards are well worth it. In my personal experience, introducing something new in my household is initially met with resistance. It can take several weeks, months, or even up to a year before the new habit is in place and it can feel like a long haul until we get there. Often, we feel tired out; tired of working on it and tired of having to find energy and resolve especially when:

it’s late at night
we’re stressed about something else
the family is hungry or irritable
the adults could do it faster themselves.

We have to call forth strength to continue to help our kids get motivated, but it IS possible.

Positive reward motivates kids very effectively. Think about what motivates adults to go to work: the paycheck, the benefits, or the feelings of importance and contribution to the world. For each of us it’s different.

What would motivate your child to do what you ask? What does your child light up over? What have you seen your child go through substantial effort to get? Here are some possibilities:

use of electronics: TV, phone, computer, video games, texting
spending time together: doing the activity WITH YOU
time with friends
gifts: money, small trinkets/candy, large items that are earned over time
recognition and praise: words of acknowledgment, posting the achievement on the fridge or framing it for the living room wall

As your child’s needs and interests change, so will the things that motivate him/her. Keep your eye out for new motivators. Here are two that worked with my kids at different ages.

When my daughter asked for her first phone, it felt way too early for us to get her one. But then it dawned on us that this could be a major motivator. We agreed that if she got certain grades or above, we’d get her a phone. In order for her to keep it, she needed to maintain those grades. It worked: we found ourselves at the phone store two days after the first report card came home. She felt proud of what she had accomplished and we were relieved we no longer had to remind her to do her homework daily. It wasn’t a perfect fix (she still needs gentle reminders from time to time) but the battling has stopped.

My son is younger. We struggled to get him to be responsible with chores like making his bed, brushing his teeth, wiping the sink when he’s done, and scooping the cat litter. When we noticed that he was regularly asking us for cash to buy gum or soda – and he was stoked when we gave him as little as a dollar- we decided to tie the two together. When he did all his chores, he earned $1 that day. Because he was younger and needed a more immediate reward we chose something he got right away rather than something that would take him a few months to earn. At first his tasks weren’t done perfectly: making the bed looked more like pulling the covers up in a haphazard fashion! But we settled for that because we wanted him to get used to the new routine and feel successful. As he got older, we guided him to do a better job. And as he continues to get older, we add new tasks and increase the reward to match.

Another powerful motivator is the idea of doing tasks together. When your kids want your time and attention this works well. Begin by doing a task with them so it’s enjoyable rather than boring. If you want your child to:

get up from the TV and go outside, offer to play catch or take a walk with him.
read, go to a bookstore and choose a book you’ll BOTH read (aloud or concurrently) and then talk about it.
cook one dinner a week, start by choosing a recipe and cooking it together.

Over time, a new habit will form. You’ll be able to give your child more and more independence and the new behavior will become routine.

To learn more about how to motivate your child, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center.

Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Focus on Family: Keeping Your Cool With The Kids

March 21, 2012 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Have you ever felt so frustrated at your kids that you’ve reacted in ways you NEVER thought you would? Have you done things like:

screamed your head off at them?
hit them and then felt terrible afterwards?
said things to them in anger that you didn’t really mean?
found yourself thinking, “This is not the kind of parent I ever thought I’d be?”

In today’s hectic world many parents are under a lot of stress and, as a result, there are times when they overreact to their children. Because we’re so close to those we love, our loved ones sometimes end up getting the bulk of our anger/discontent, even when they aren’t the cause of it. But you can learn to manage your emotions about life so that you don’t take things out on your kids.

It’s not uncommon for parents to be upset or preoccupied about one thing when something else the kids do or say pushes them over the edge. It may be totally unrelated to what’s going on, but the next thing you know, your unsettled emotions are spilling over onto your kids.

Let’s say you’re stressed about work. You have an important project and the deadline is getting closer and closer. Your boss is breathing down your neck and the client is putting more and more pressure on you. You’re concerned and maxed out. You come home and before you know it you are yelling at your teen for something he/she did. Many times it’s about something that started out relatively small, like your teen eating junk food before dinner or not turning off the TV when you tell her to.

In that moment, or later, you realize that you overreacted and took your emotions out on your child. You feel regretful and know that isn’t the kind of parent you want to be. So, how do you become the loving parent that you’d like to be; the parent who is a fun companion when it’s appropriate and a caring disciplinarian when it’s needed? You do this by becoming more aware of what’s going on inside yourself. Turn your attention inward and become aware of what you’ve been feeling by asking yourself:

Am I overreacting to something relatively minor?
Am I preoccupied with a concern that’s unrelated to my kids?
What’s been on my mind, and in my heart, recently?
Was my child’s action or lack of action the final straw for me today?
How can I take care of my own needs so that I don’t take things out on my child/children?

As parents, it’s crucial that we be mindful of ourselves or we can end up inadvertently dumping our anger or stress out onto our kids. We need to make sure we’re not releasing emotion on them that’s really about something else. Our kids are going to do things that are irritating and bothersome. However, we can become more loving parents,by asking, “How can I do a better job of taking care of my needs so that I don’t take my own stress out on my child/children?”

In order to find out better ways to handle your emotions, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Focus On Family: Children Need Affection

October 18, 2011 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

We love our children deeply, in a way that is difficult to measure. Much of our time is spent caring for them, thinking of them, teaching them, and helping them grow. Since we invest so much of our time, thoughts and caring in our children, most parents would probably say, “Of course my child knows I love him/her.” But how often do we really express our love and affection to our children?

This month, I’ll focus on one important way of expressing love for our children: appropriate physical affection.

A parent can show affection to their child in many ways, including Read More

Focus on Family: Allowing Children What They Need

November 11, 2010 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

What do our kids really need to grow up to be healthy and successful? There is a lot of pressure for kids to excel in school and at test taking, to join numerous extra-curricular activities, and from themes in the media to be advanced, and even sexy. In the past, I’ve touched on some of the things children need, including love, attention, affection, to be heard, and to be disciplined with respect. My focus now is on noticing what your kids are telling you they need. Read More

Focus on Family: New Habit For The New School Year

September 11, 2010 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Each new school year brings with it a fresh start for you and your family. I would like you to consider a habit that will have a positive effect on your child’s success; eat dinner as a family most nights of the week. This simple act of sharing a meal brings countless rewards for children. It builds relationships within your family and builds your child’s self-esteem. These two ingredients make for a child who is successful academically, socially, and physically. Read More

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